she didn't col me back...she doesnt care enuff...she didnt listen...she cldnt hear me scream...mayb she doesnt want to...am i dat bad? till even she gave up on me...wen she said she wont, she lied...

I thot ur e onli 1 hu wld actuali understand wifout judging...guess u proved me wrong again...cos wen i wan 2 tell u, im hit wif e realization dat i cant...i cant get thru 2 u...bt its okay.. cos behind my smile, is sth u'll nvr be able to understand...n i wont want 2 make u get it...

she senses everyone else but me...wen im so down n on e window ledge, she cldnt find me...she doesnt care enuff...she cld find every1 else...feel their pain...but sumhow, she cant feel mine...wen she said she cld and understood, she lied...

I thot i cld tell u anything...bt i dun wan 2 be a burden 2 u...i dun want 2 taint ur life even though i noe i tainted it b4...not dis tym...its okay...u dun haf 2 b my saviour...i wont want to put u thru all dat...

she said she loved me...she said im next on her frenship list... i was dere 4 her wen she needed me...bt im yesterdays news 2 her now..she doesnt care 2 noe...she doesnt care at all...wen she said "i'll always b dere 4 u...", she lied...

i thot u'd always b dere 4 me lyk how im always here 4 u...guess im a fool 4 thinking dat...cos i dunno where u are now...i cant seem 2 find u...bt its okay...i noe u nd ur space n it was superficial frm e start anyway...i wont want 2 put u thru e pain of knowing me and e disappointment i noe u'll feel...

she said i was her saviour...she said i was e onli 1 hu cared...but now, shes not dere...she cant understand anyway even wen she try so hard to...wen she said "I'm here 4 u...jus col me..." , she lied...

I thot u will b e last 1 2 leave cos of e bond we had...apparently, it wasnt strong enuff...bt its okay...i noe sumhow maybe u cld still b dere...bt not now...i wont want to put u thru another headache dat goes by the name of me...u haf enuff on ur plate...





~Only enemies speak the truth. Friends lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty...~

I'm not Penthesilea

Just ignore the last post...E person i wrote it 2 will nvr ever read it so no point wondering if its u or wat shyt...

Charles Bukowski once wrote; ‘There will always be something to ruin our lives. It all depends on what or which finds us first You’re always ripe and ready to be taken.'

Guess i found dat ting dats ruining my life. me. right back where i started. Happy? Not even close. Wat do i feel? i dunno..i dun noe anything anymore...

escape. we all want it. we're all looking for a safe place in a non-safe world. dat place doesn't exist.

Bt we all have our little spots where we can feel a lil safe.for me, home's not an option...school, in front of every1 is just weird n 2 hard...so i go 2 e only place i can go...where it all started, stopped and now started again...i hope no1 finds me...cos i dun wan 2 b found...yet...col it my dirty lil secret..


Pain doesn't hurt...When its all you've ever felt...

I'm not that naive...

why are you treating me lyk im something that happened to you? i mean you...and you...and you too...oh, don't 4get you too... you ask me why am i so pessismistic...wat e fuck do you care, after all dat u've done to me...you have no bloody right...you have no bloody fucking right to ask me dat...any of all the fucking yous...i cant even tell u anything cos u've fucking build up a fucking wall...dun you fucking deny it...u noe its true...or maybe ur jus scared ur gonna c a little of u in me...u dun wanna go dere again...den, fuck off...i dun need you...u wanna leave? go ahead. im not stopping you...im getting fucking used to it anyway...

Strange isn't it, i find it easier to tell random strangers abt it all...at least dey'll understand me...made me feel a lot better wen i wanted 2 literally kill myself...my saviour; not you...wont be you...its either me or a stanger hu's more of a fren 2 me den u haf been ryt now...

where were u during all dat shit? where r u now? ask urself dat b4 u go judging me...

Maybe we've jus changed 2 much...u dun let me in n i dun let u in...seems 2 work well so stop asking me fucking qns lyk dat...cos face it, u dun fucking care...brush it off lyk always...used 2 dat 2...wanna noe why i lost my voice??? ask urself dat bloody fucking qns! every single fucking tym i wanna tell u, i cant cos u wont fucking listen...i jus fucking gave up ever trying 2 fucking tell u...u haf urself 2 blame 4 dat...dun u fucking deny dis 2...u bloody well noe its true...jus fucking leave me alone...go on wif ur fucking optimistic life...u cant stand how i've turned out?

Well then, fucking LEAVE lyk u wanted 2 all along! I don't care.don't wanna noe.don't give a fucking fuck.

Enough's enough...

I cant do this anymore...continue fighting...dere has been tyms wen i jus say dat n i dun mean it...lots of tyms...but now, its all changed...am i falling deep down dere again? i don't want to but hu's gonna save me...frm me?

~it all depends on your will. if you say suddenly that you had enough but secretly you want that thing you’ve been fighting for so badly, you realise that you’re still holding on to it and you're still fighting indirectly. you say enough is enough but then you yourself know that somehow there's a glimmer of hope deep deep deep inside...~

I can't find dat glimmer of hope ryt now...im startin 2 give in...slowly...its gonna be e death of me...sonner or later...


I wish someone's here to cease my pain
I wish someone's here when i fall again
I wish someone would hold me tight
And guide me back to hope and light
I wish i can find my voice again
And tell someone about the stabbing pain
I wish i don't have to pretend i'm okay
I wish i don't have to put on a mask each day
I wish someone can pick me up each time i fall
I wish someone hears each time i call
I wish i can remember how to cry
I wish for all these to happen to me
but they're just wishes and are not meant to be...

Are you happy? Am I?

You tell me your love's with me everywhere
Now, it's not enough just to know its there
You say you're not but you're running away
Leaving me more alone each passing day
My heart got broken bit by bit
Every word you say, the harder it hit
You can't see it but you're really hurting me
And when you finally leave, i'll let you be
Even if it's killing everything in me
Cos people always always LEAVE

********

I'm happy...At the moment...

Heyz!!! Love your life!! hahaz... i'm hapi! Seriously...even though im still sick n kinda have lost my voice, im HAPPY!!! And HIGH 2!!! Cos, saw dat One Tree Hill episode with Chad naked save for sum strategically placed bballs n den dere was bobby jon on survivor!!! *SCREAMS* I am so gonna watch survivor frm now on till he goes, den i shall boycott it again...haha...

Hapi hapi hapi!! Can't stop smiling...haha...i noe dis wont last but hu cares...im hapi now so bite me...lolz...

Aniwaez, since i'm hapi, i shall get sum affairs in order...

*ahem*

Thank You to all hu made my day 2day! thank you bobby! thank you chad! thank you hu ever nd 2 b thank youed...lyk umm...e survivor producer 4 putting bobby in...lyk e channel 5 person for rerunning One Tree Hill...n yeah...ppl lyk dat..thank you frm me 2 u...dun say i dun appreciate it...tau.


I'm rambling and not making sense ryt? oh well, hu gives a shyt...except those hu bother 2 read dis la...which i dun tink is a lot of ppl... okay...*slaps myself* shut up fee...shut up...

Under the weather...

I'm sick...Ergh. Fever n all dat shit...went 2 e doc n got 2 days MC...i hate bein sick bt aniwaez...

~Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours...~

I think it's kinda true u noe...Don't let anyone take it from u...wat u have n wat made u hu u r 2dae...sure, dere are sum days wen u feel lyk giving up bt if u do, u'll regret it 4 life...dat's wat i kinda learned...i'm not going 2 let anybody take it away frm me...even if it kills me fighting jus 2 keep it, i will...Ppl dun haf 2 understand u...if u understand urself, dats gd enuff..the world u desire is jus sumwhere out dere waiting 4 u...n its all urs...dere's no one out dere dat can take it frm u n steal it away..if u dun let dem...we r hu we r nt because of the choices ppl make for us...we r hu we r 2dae because of the choices we make for ourselves...

Am i making sense???

My dream...or is it nightmare?

Slept late yest. Ard 3.30? 4? sth lyk dat... tossed and turned 4 quite a while...Maybe i shld get sleeping pills or sth...Cos how am i supposed 2 wake up 4 sch n all dat...Bt aniwaez...nvm...hu cares ryt? :)


Ergh...My sis belting out avril lavigne at the top of her voice...every single track or sth lyk dat...sheesh...no wonder it's raining...


Had a dream or maybe u cn col it nightmare last nyt or morning[up 2 u la]...i dunno. star of my dream/nightmare dis tym? Nikki n mirabelle. n kind of lyk a whole load of other ppl...


It was at dis party. The Killers were playing [what e heck were e killers doing dere? i haf no idea.] Aniwaez, Mr. Brightside was blasting and i was at the entry to the place, wherever it was la...i went in, wen i did, e doors slammed shut. Locked. dere was a lot of ppl...i felt lost...i cldnt see anybody i knew...Den i looked at the stage and i saw Nikki and Mirabelle standing dere, looking at me...Dey were jus standing dere...N dey were crying.. Lyk reali crying...Nikki was wearing her von dutch shirt tingy and mira was wearing dat drama shirt of hers n her beret...I tried pushing my way to them but ppl were jostling me n blocking my every move...I recognise omi n jack n shaf n jellie n nissa...dey kept pushing me back, keeping me off track...dey n all e other ppl...Sum1 or sth kept holding me back. no matter how hard i tried moving forward, i never reached e stage...Wen i look at the stage again, Nikki and Mirabelle had turned their backs on me...sumhow i heard dis voice saying "2 late..." [sth lyk dat...]den...dey were gone.. dere was dis change of scene...I tink it was in school or sth lyk dat...looks lyk behind e classroom block...I saw em again..dis tym, i reached em no problem...dey gave me dis box...pretty box...silver i tink with gold ribbons n a pic of orli on e cover[no idea wat his pic ws doin dere...]...I was gonna say thank you bt wen i look up, dey were gone again...So i opened e box and inside was two hearts[i suppose it was their's ryt?], bleeding...cuts all over...huge cuts lyk sum1 tried to rip e heart into pieces...den, i woke up crying...


nt e 1st tym i had dis kind of weird dream...wat do dey mean? i dunno...sum1 tell me...

Voices...

She's hearing voices warn her

She just can't sleep in her bed

She just can't sleep

She's falling down the stairs

She's screaming my name in the night

To keep her warm


She got a red pill blue pill

Red pill blue pill

Red pill blue pill

red pill blue pill

Milk of amnesia



And she screams out my name

In the dead of the night

She is leaving my room

She is crying on her side

Walking on eggshells

Walking on glass

Burnt by the mirror

Burnt by the light

[excerpt frm Bloc Party: She's hearing voices]
-------------------------------



Voices i wish i could stop
Someone help me stop it
Kill it out
Tune it down
Cos its making me hear things i'd rather forget
Making me insane, driving me up against the wall
Somebody help me
stop it screaming in my head
stop it...make it shut up
Cos i cant stop it
And i dont want to listen
So i haf only dis way out
2 save me frm myself...

[Princess of Death]

Confessions of Insomniac me...

Okaaay...all dis insomnia crap is reali starting 2 piss me off...Y e hell cant i jus go 2 sleep? im so dead tired bt no, my eyes jus wont close. insomniac. dats wat im supposed im called. A person hu suffers frm insomnia. duh. [if u r super blur n cant get y i'm rambling abt being an insomniac, check e tym at e end of dis post n u'll get y...duh.]


urgh...im sick as well..great combi. an insomniac hu's sick wif a goddamn headache and flu. Dis is all ur fault nikki. Pass ur icky sickness gems 2 me, y don't u? let dem haf a field day invading my cells... haiz...sori...im jus freakin tired n headache reali nt helping... :)


doesnt help dat 2dae marks e end of one tree hill...haiz...OC and lost ending soon 2...dis is so not happening...My thurs nyt marathons are so over...n no more CSI 2...onli highlight of my week frm next wk onward? ANTM and maybe if i bother 2 watch it[meaning it has 2 haf a cute guy lyk e last season...tink Bobby Jon..], survivor....yupz...pathetic huh? n exams cuming up 2...super great...im so thrilled..




I reali kinda need 2 get dis out of my system so i got 2 say dis...sumtyms i want out...being wif u is lyk dis one long never ending rollercoaster ride...n mostly its cos of me...im always e 1 swaying things...U, im reali sori, for all e hurt i've caused u...sumtyms, esp wen im in 1 of my in-built depression moods, i wish u wld jus leave me alone...e insecurity is always dere n at dis tyms i wish we'd nvr met, n ur life wld b much better off....i suppose if i did try harder i cld be e fren u want me 2 be...perfect lyk u r 2 me...bt i noe dat cn nvr happen...i tried n i failed...tym n tym again...i dunno wat i'd do wifout u bt i suppose i'll learn 2 survive ryt? i noe dat if u read dis its going 2 start dis whole tingy n mayb i wan dat...mayb i dun...i honestly dun noe...I've always tried 2 help so many ppl dat wen it cums 2 helping u, i cant...i suppose its retribution 4 all e tyms i was trying 2 be a good samaritan n help others n nt seen dat mayb u nd me 2..but now i realise dat all those ppl i've helped, i've lost em...n dey're nt goin 2 cum bak...sumtyms i tink i'm evil...cos i kinda pushed em away bt wen i tink of u, i noe it was all worth it...now, my world is getting smaller each day...n so many ppl r slipping away frm me...n u r 2...mayb u say im being ridiculous n paranoid...bt its true..2 a certain extent...baring our souls was so easy last tym...now, i dunno...things haf changed...i've changed...n u haf 2...i feel lyk i dun noe u...n u dun noe me...n its gonna stay dat way...tell me e last tym we had a gd talk dat doesnt involve 1 of us hurting e other? cn u remember? cos i can't...i miss it...e feeling dat i was safe, n loved by a whole load of ppl...now, those ppl r gone...at least e ones i know...dey're replaced wif ppl i dun noe...mutual liking is e word i suppose...dere r so many things i wan 2 tell u bt i cant cos u will prob hate me n nvr speak 2 me again...i noe u well enuff 2 noe dat dis will reali happen...am i a coward 4 nt telling u? am i jus keeping it frm u cos e truth will hurt u n tear u apart? am i scared cos i dun wan 2 be alone? am i selfish cos i wan u 2 nt go away? am i a hypocrite cos im nvr gonna tell u? yes. im all of e above...im a coward cos i cant bear 2 face u if u knew...n i am keeping it frm u cos it will hurt u n tear u apart...im scared cos i dun wanna be alone, wifout u...cos if u knew, u'd leave me...n yes. im selfish cos i still need u 2 keep me goin n i dun wan 2 go away n leave me 2 face it all alone...cos every1 will leave if dey knew...n im nt ready...n neither r u...i suppose i'll nvr be...n u'll nvr be either...cos e truth will hurt...both u n me...



Lo siento mucho tuvo que venir a esto. ..i nunca lo significó para ir a tal punto. ..But que lo hizo. ..N ahora, yo trato de pararlo. ..But es demasiado tarde y todo se hace. ..If que usted supo, U me odiará. ..you'll nunca confianza mí otra vez. ..Not jamás. ..I sabe eso. ..Cos que mentí. ..the tiempo entero que traicioné usted. ..and que mentí. ..and no asunto Mí..

Killing me...

You can sense everyone but you can't sense me

I wonder why...maybe its jus not meant to be

i guess i jus have 2 be e own saviour of me

Maybe we had no connection

Maybe i was looking at the wrong direction

or maybe its a lack of communication

Maybe its a matter of life untainted

urs so pure n free

closing ur eyes so u cant see

e secrets i hide inside of me

*******

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaing

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Don't speak

i know what you're thinking

i don't need your reasons

don't tell me cos' it hurts

I jus dun wan u 2 noe

Cos i noe u dun wan 2 hear me

Cos i'm lyk a mirror 2 u

u c hu ur afraid 2 be

a hypocrite...jus lyk me

so i haf no choice, i'll leave u be...

*******

I'm not a puppet on a shelf

I'm not a doll u can toy wif

i guess u'll never noe

cos ur 2 blinded

or mayb u choose nt 2 c

u've given up on me

i noe cos i feel it

u used up all ur energy

u dun wan 2 care

cos u've gone past caring for me

******

It killed u

n now its bak, its after me

disease so strong

it clouds my mind

is dis how u felt

dying inside out

waiting to go free

Time was the essence of all eternity

i guess i was jus 2 caught up in me

******

strumming my pain with ur fingers

ur jus killing me softly

but ur 2 blinded 2 c

i dun tink u noe how much ur reali hurting me

*****

Crave for release

one way out

but no i wont

i haf 2 live

jus 4 u...n u...

but u dun noe

n ur wasting it away

day after day

can u see the pain

in all our eyes

can u see it all

behind our smiles

but wait

ur pretending 2

its a grand masquerade

faces, masks

hiding the real you n me...

***************************************

Don't ask me wat all dis mean

read between e lines n u will see

i wont answer cos i dun wan 2

u dun wan 2 noe

cos e truth will only hurt u

simply cos i told u....

Bored....

~i am a work in progress

an intricate pattern of random questions

rhythms that are not in sync

and strengths that you still haven't seen

and maybe you never will...~

*********

Its lyk 1.30 in e morn n i still can't sleep. Insomnia? mayb...Haiz...Im tired bt eyes stubbornly won't close. Not my fault tau.


I'm bored so i've decided to ramble here since apparently EVERYONE in my godforsaken contact list happens 2 b fast asleep in lala land or apparently have offed their hp...hrmph. Okay okay fine. Exageration. I only msg n called lyk 3 ppl...Bt dats a lot okay. Reali.


Going to MP Lib tmr. 2 do wat u say? wat else? STUDY! had enuff of teachers drilling in2 my head e exams are lyk dat far...so haf resolved myself to study till i drop dead. I mean not literally la. Its a figure of speech u noe...Speaking of which, am thinking of dropping either 1 of my sciences... cos im damn sure im nt taking sci in JC. EVER. n i mean it.N taking sci is reali wasting precious tym dat cld b devoted 2 upgrading my maths grades. yupz...cos whether i wan 2 or nt, i simply cannot drop A maths cos wateva it is, haf 2 take A maths in JC. Its either dat or Maths C and frankly, A Maths sounds much easier. But havent decided yet la. Shall luk at my final term marks...yupz...


I miss my daddy! okay fine, not reali dat much. its jus cos i can get my ipod wen he gets bak.wenever dat is la. hope its soon. *crosses fingers*. Haiz, must give my songlist shyt 2 nikki tmr b4 it gets longer n longer cos i keep adding...must get dat ting away frm me!


Oh,speaking of Nikki, i ws having tuition jus nw n sum1 called my hse. (yup, u guessed it. Nikki!) Aniwei, dis person(Cough*Nikki*Cough) immediatly said wen e fone was picked up , "eh, did u col me?", thinking it was me, bt actuali it was my sissy! So my sis was lyk "umm ...no?" wen reali wat she wanted 2 say was "who e heck r u?"(which unfortunately she didnt...). So my dear Nikki went on "Alah. den hu col me?"(she still doesnt realise its nt me..tsk.) "umm...i dunno?" says my sis (who shld haf said she wasnt me. bt mayb nikki was toking 2 fast so she cldnt get a word in. Yup.dat mus b it.) den nikki said bye n put dowm e fone, STILL thinking it was lil old me. tsk...Sum ppl r jus blur??? lolz... oh btw, dats nt e 1st tym....One wld tink after god knows how long knowing me, she'd now how 2 tell my voice...bt nope, i tink she kinda needs more tym... :) :) :)


Nikki, no hard feelings kayz... :)

Letting you go...

I miss those days and I miss those ways

When I got lost in fantasies

In a cartoon land of mysteries

In a place you won't grow old

In a place you won't feel cold

Seems I'm lost in my reflection

Find a star for my direction

*****



The 3rd of September. I thought i could hold on longer but it's not meant to be. Last night, i saw so many flashes of memories. All wif u starring. yeah i admit i was dreading 2dae. dreading how i wld feel cos i wasnt ready 2 let u go.


2dae came b4 i knew it and i felt dis odd sense of relief. dat sumhow u were telling me its time 4 me 2 let go n move on wif my life. n sumhow both of u were telling me dat...i guess, at sum point i had 2 let u go whether i wanted 2 or nt...n i dunno, i feel free...unbound by the effort it took 2 keep holding on.


i guess wat dey say is ryt...i gotta let go n move on. onli thing i can do ryt?


Now, i think of u both n smile instead of cringing inward. thank you from e bottom of my heart for giving me dat chance 2 know u n 2 feel ur love n support 4 me...both of u....where ever u r out dere sumwhere, i hope u r happier n at peace...jus wanna say i'll never 4get...ever.

Tragic Life I Lead...

2 am. Jus watched One tree Hill. Opened up sum wounds i tried hard 2 ignore, 2 push away...now they're bleeding again n nth i do can stop it. the endless pain.hurt.


"There are only two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."


At the start of the year, I wished for happiness and love. To be anywhere in the world and knowing u mean e world to sum1 out dere. It was jus a harmless wish i made wen i saw a shooting star. But, i got my wish. I gained what my heart reali desired. 4 once, i felt hapi. it was a great feeling.


But then, i lost it. Some ppl say if sth hurts u dat badly, u shld let it go n 4get abt it bt i'll nvr gif it up or exchange it 4 sth else.nt in dis lifetime.


In a sick cruel way, i experienced both tragedies. I gained and i lost. But mostly, i realised that i've actually lost sth far more valuable. Myself.


Now, i dun noe hu i am animore. I've turned in2 sum1 i dun even regconise. Sum1 i dun noe n dun wanna be.I've become sum1 i despised. I hate it dat i haf 2 live wif e way i am now day in and day out. Cos i dun wan 2.


Maybe 2nite, wen i look out e window, i'll see another shooting star and i cn make another wish. Wat wld i wish for? For everyting 2 b e way it was. wen i was truly hapi being hu i am n nt having 2 hate me 4 it. Lyk e way i do nw.


Fact is, wen u've been thru a turning phase in ur life, it'll change u completely. Either 4 e better or 4 worse. Whether u change in2 a better person or u turn in2 sum1 totally different n nt hu u wan 2 b, its life's little game.