Running to stand still

Its yet another day of boredom.

honestly, im starting 2 nt lyk e hols veri much.

got woken up an hr earlier than i wanted 2 by mom

grandmommy ws cumin 2 visit.

n surprise surprise

she dragged my cousins along.

:)

havent seen em in abt a yr or so.

dey've grown up.

funi ting is, last tym, b4 all e irk-ness, i always had

dis notion dat i'll watch em grow up u noe.

bt guess i missed out.

bt it amazes me reali.

ws playing game of life wif em n sis

n afiq calculated money out pretty fast 4 a boy his age.

cool.

i'll see him having no probs wif maths n sciences. yupp.

got e brain 4 it.

he seems 2 have a fetish 4 malay 2. guess it runs in e family.

mayb he cn b a malay dude lyk me n sis.

n aziq seems 2 haf dis flair 4 languages.

see myself in him reali.

lolz.

ergh.

my eyes r itching wif tiredness.

slept close 2 5 yest.

watched OC followed by CSI n den tossed ard in bed till 5-ish.

tink my insomnia's jus got a hell lot worse.

aniwaez,

sori i havent been replying taggs so here goes:

Jell: hey! i miss ur sms-es 2. :) n btw, u r NOT fat. sheesh. tc. lurve.

Nissa: so sad u cant follow tmr. bt mayb next tym yeah? :) lurve.

Lollie: Hey! u tagged! lolz. c ya ard yeah? :)

Snam: hey. i miss u 2. :) tc. lurve

Sometimes you wonder whether family pride is all that important

Between order and randomness

It's only 4.35 pm n i'm alrdy bored.

sigh

want to go out bt mom's in a bitchy mood so gotta stick ard home.

urgh

Goin out on wed wif loll n jell n dunno hu else.

*journey to e west* or so jell-o says

shld b fun.

god i miss everyone.

nikki hu's diligently doing hw. god, dat girl nds sth else 2 do. :)

snam hu's pining 4 her guy 2 b hm frm wherever he went. she even has a countdown tingy goin on. lolz. tok abt being in love :)

lollie hu i bet is playing vid games wif her bro or watching him. yups. tok 2 her till 4 or sth few days ago. interesting convo thou. she's dead hyper at nyt. all bouncy n all. :)

omi hu's stuck sumwhere in malaysia. no fun. at least she gets 2 go on a holiday. i'm prolly stuck here till start of term. dad's plan 2 fly us 2 china kinda backfired wat wif probs wif his treasurer n all.

jellie. dun noe wat she's doing. prolly lounging ard watching tv n eating her brownies or smt.:)

Nissa. dunno wat she's doing either. shopping mayb? :)

n everyone else 2. :)

can't wait 2 c em soon. hopefully.

Aniwei, randomness;

"If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was."-Norman R. Augustine

seems dat i've been having a fetish 4 quotes lately. :)

Aniwei, haf been trying 2 figure dat out bt cant.

mayb my brains 2 muddled or smt.

Sis gave it a go 2.

heck, she even drew models n all. u noe lyk e kind u draw 4 maths back in pri sch.

bt still fail 2 grasp its true meaning.

so if anyone manages 2 figure dat out, explain 2 me yeah?

Sometimes you wonder whether you're all that you make yourself out to be

The truth doesn't make a noise

These few days have been a real eye-opener for me.

Now i noe hu reali truly care n hu's only pretending.

wat cn i say?

all these while i've blinded myself with illusions

now i've finally been granted sight.

i guess maybe i've jus been deluding myself all this while.

i knew bt i never wanted 2 listen

i thot if i kept denying it, it won't b true.

bt den again, it alrdy is

Surprisingly, i dun feel an ounce of misery

sure dere's e initial hurt

bt i got over it.

n sad 2 say, i'm nt missing anyting.

makes one wonder i suppse on how exactly the planetary divisions of frenships work.

Hmm.

I always knew. you're the one hu never wanted to see.

Guess ur ryt. always ryt.

Funny reali. The actual irony of it all.

Tried to protect u bt i failed miserably.

So u left?

Sad dat i dun actually miss u.

Hmm.

Well, now i noe;

The truth doesn't make a noise.

Sometimes, you wonder whether the person staring at you out of the mirror is who you really want to be

The trick is to keep breathing

Jalan rayer-ed jus now.

ws suppose 2 b us niners n sum of e eighters.

turned out 2 b the eighters n 3 sesat niners. lolz

was ok thou tiring.

suppose onli got myself n Ms. Nikki 2 blame.

slept at 3 sth. watched OC. :)

Seth n Summer so cute.

Reminds me of another couple. wonder who? :)

Aniwaez, ws stoning jus now as always.

thot about death.

i noe i noe.

bt hey, nt 2 wori, i dun wanna die yet.

i noe im nt e one hu decides wen im supposed 2 leave dis world.

bt i jus hope dat i get 2 do all e tings i wanna do.

Like;

Tour the world

Meet Orlando Bloom :)

get married 2 guy dat i love

haf my own kids

u noe, shyt lyk dat.

yeah. i mean life is precious ryt?

ting is, i've always realised dat bt its nt as thou wat i did ws becos i wan 2 die.

everytym i say i wan 2, i dun mean it.

cos i dun wanna die yet. its scary in e six feet deep hole.

n im reali nt ready 2 live dis world yet.

jus hope god knows dat.

Sigh. I still feel e hurt n pain.

i dun tink it'll ever go away.

bt im trying nt 2 tink n brood abt it.

yupps.

everytym i feel down, i'll jus haf 2 keep convincing myself dat i'll jus haf 2 get thru another day.

as in take a day at a tym u noe?

The trick is to keep breathing.

Sometimes, you wonder whether you're gonna live this world without a single regret

Quiet things that no one ever knows

It's been 5 days alrdy.

5 days only?

eh, it's a start. tau.

oh. yeah, it's a start. hey, i'm proud of u. tau. if u con't ryt, i'll b damn proud of u. reali.

-------------------

I need it. sigh.

rephrase dat. u don't need it. u miss it.

-------------------

I'm turning, i jus need to.

Hey, listen to me. u DUN reali. if u do it, i'll do it 2.

-------------------

Why do u haf 2 get mad at me?ur hurting me. cant u c?

Cos i noe u cn do better. n i've seen u suffer enuff.

------------------

i'm trying 2 stop. or so the story goes.

yeah dat i cn definately see. so stop it. cos every cut u make is lyk every burn i will make on myself.

u burn urself?

no la. i'm jus giving u an example of how u make others hurt wen u do wat u do.

-----------------

i feel guilty for pulling her in.

i feel guilty 4 pulling u n her in.

-----------------

ur nt ur own person. u hide behind e copycat of others.

isnt dis wat u told me last yr?

yeah. bt u havent changed.

-----------------

I don't wan u 2 change fi. i wan u 2 b urself which u arent. i dun noe hu e real fi is animore.

well, i dunno hu e real fi is either.

----------------

Y is everyting suddenly crashing down? fuck.

all dat happiness e last 2 weeks didnt last.

oh well. wat cn i say ryt?

stuff jus happens.

jus wish it wasnt all at e same tym.

Jellie

hey, im praying 4 u n him ok? u dun wori. tell me if u nd aniting tau. n DUN u fucking dare do aniting silly. TAU. love ya.

Nissa

Thanx 4 listening. ur a gr8 fren 2 haf. reali. take lotsa care. n rmbr u promised u'd try.

Mira

i'm sori.

Nikki

I'm sori. n i seriously do nt get y u had 2 say dat. bt its done so watevs.

Fungi

eh, i noe la i'm supposed 2 prasan it u asshole. bt nth ws wrong at dat tym ok? dats y im fucking asking u wat u mean. get it u idiot?

Sometimes, you wonder why your entire world suddenly topples over

Suddenly everything has changed

Love is watching someone die. i'm wondering, will u watch me die?

I'm sitting here blogging even thou i'm supposed to get ready

to go to uncle Sam's house.

bt wateva. lolz

got back my results.

not so bad.

did shit well for arab. :)

my sis's gaping in wonderment. silly. its jus arab la.

failed one subject thou. bt expected. didnt study 4 dat. :)

There's so many things i wanna say 2 u.

bt i dunno whether u cn take it.

i'm jus trying 2 find e ryt words 2 say it.

y can't u jus be dere? jus listen. dats all i need. am i asking 4 a lot out of u? i alrdy promised i wont. n i WONT. wat part of dat dun u understand? sigh. i noe ur sick of all dis shyt. look, i didnt mean 2 drag u in2 all of it ok? i wish i hadnt tainted ur life. bt i did. so get over it n jus b dere wen i need u e most. i onli need u 2 listen. dats all. cant u do dat? i dun nd u getting mad at me or saying tings dat will jus hurt me more.i dont need animore of dat. i jus nd u 2 listen. bt ting is, can u?

Please just don't play with me

My paper heart will bleed

This wait for destiny won't do

Be with me please i beseech you.

sigh. i tink i've alrdy lost u. a long tym ago. cracks r lyk surfacing? sumtyms, i wonder whether we're still strong onli cos dats wat other ppl expect out of us. cos ultimately, we're jus exactly lyk strangers aniwei. so many tings go unsaid between us dat i tink if we say it all out, it'll fill up a novel e length of the whole LOTR collection. and all e tears we've cried, will amount 2 gallons n gallons of water. bt den, wat cn i do except lament e loss of it all ryt? i cant bring e past back. i cant make things better. cos it's nt onli up 2 me. its US. bt i guess tings r jus gonna remain lyk dis huh? n i tink im right in saying dat we're jus scared 2 confront it. or maybe time just doesnt wan us 2.

Every memory of looking out the back door

I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor

It's hard to say it, time to say it

Goodbye, goodbye

Sometimes you wonder whether the people who say they love you really do

You can't always get what you want

It's been 4 days since i thot abt it

since i felt lyk i needed it.

dat proves e point dat i dun nd it.

n i never did.

i think u getting mad at me e last tym made me realise i still had a lot to live for.

n i still have ppl hu cared.

Thank u

Nikki

Mira

Jellie

and everyone else for ur direct and indirect support. :)

now, dat dats out of my system,

here's a list of things dat i reali reali REALI want bt cant get. :(

u noe jus 4 future references 4 b'dae, christmas n hari raya prezzies. :)

btw, dey're in random order. hehe.

Orlando Bloom 2006 calender

kitty from hallmark

Fluff [seems lyk dis stupid cat doesnt wan 2 b found]

Orlando Bloom's biography [i'm starting a collection ok.:)]

iPod Nano protective cover [4 extra protection :) ]

Hoodie

Mrs. Bloom handbag

Both seasons of One Tree Hill [Only available in JB. sobs.]

Both seasons of O.C.

Story Of The Year's 'In the wake of determination' [shld haf just bought dis instead of Page Avenue]

Jimmy Eat World's 'Stay on my side tonight'

The Strokes's 'Is this it'

The Strokes's 'Room on fire'

Interpol's 'Antics'

Interpol's 'Turn on the bright lights'

Ok. dats abt it if im nt wrong. n yes, i nd 2 update my music collection badly. i noe; thus, all e albums mentioned above. :)

n its nt dat i cant get em myself bt im super duper bloody hell broke.

so yea.

sigh.

you cant always get wat u wan.

how cliched bt how true.

.sobs.

Sometimes, you wonder whether the peace your're feeling is going to last

Where the streets have no name

Just got back from snam's hse.

ws supposed 2 leave lyk an hr or so ago?

lolz

Her n her confuzzling-ness.

dat confuzzled me?

sth lyk dat.

Hmm, i dunno y bt everyone's suddenly so nice 2 me. :)

Thank u!

appreciate all the nyc prezzies!

[psst. dun 4get christmas prezzies.tau. lolz.]

I'm wondering y i'm pretending everything's ok.

Maybe cos i feel guilty.

4 hurting u. again n again.

i'm sori.

i noe ur prolly sick of hearing me say dat. bt i reali am.

sometimes, i wish we'd nvr met and u'd nvr get dragged into my complicated web.

bt den, i dun tink i cn survive wifout u.

Snam

rmbr u promised tau.if nt, i'll kill u. Ok?

n i'm sori.

cos i tainted ur life wif all my complicated shit.

i nvr meant drag u in2 it all.

n im reali sori u haf 2 bear wif all e shyt.

i promise i'm trying.

sigh.

i dunno how many times i'm gonna keep saying dat.

i noe u must b sick of hearing it.

sori again.

i love u.

Nikki

Sori.

I hurt u.

it's just. sumtyms it jus gets 2 much.

i noe u understand cos ur gg thru it 2.

i promise i'll try harder.

pls believe me. i reali am.

i noe u mus b sick of hearing me say dat.

i'm sori.

bt u dun wori abt me ok?

i'll b fine cos u love me.

kan?

:)

i love u.

Jellie

Hey darl.

Thanx 4 always being dere 4 me.

i noe i cn pull thru dis cos ur dere watching over me.

thank u frm e bottom of my heart.

aniting, msg me aightz.

say hello 2 pumpkin 4 me k.

i love u.

Nissa

Hey, i miss toking 2 u 2.

one day we tok la k.

bt later cos now we're all so busy.

:)

u take care tau.

i love u.

Ira

I never realised until now how much i needed u.

n how much u actuali understand.

i'm sori 4 ever tinking u wld nvr understand.

n im also sori cos i forced u 2 mature b4 ur ready.

i love u.

Sometimes you wonder whether if you did something differently, things would have turned out better

Every night is a different story

Yesterday scared me.

Did it scare u 2?

I'm wondering wats going to happen.

Wat will happen?

If everynight it's a different story.

Yet it's the same plot.

I'm scared to find out.

Sigh.

Why must it be so hard and hurt so bad?

You said it always will.

I wonder whether i'm strong enough to last thru this.

I have no idea.

I suppse that's just the way life is.

It spins us all in a huge web of irony and twisted lies.

yupp.

You say you love me.

Sometimes i wish i could convince myself that's true.

Sometimes you wonder whether things are what they seem

Lost without you

Im so sad...

Bobby got voted out

nvr going 2 c him again.

*sobs*

It was sum miracle he ws given a 2nd chance..

n now...

hes gone...

*sobs**sniffle*

aniwae, got a lil sth 2 say 2 sum ppl.

Snam : wat r u sori 4 darl? im e one at fault. i'm reali sori. 4 hurting u all along. im sori 4 all dat i did. 4 everything. i'm trying. i promise i will try my bestest 2 stop. cross my heart. i love u. n thank u, 4 being dere always. esp wen i nd u, all those tyms i called u crying. n all those tyms i cldnt sleep. thank u 4 ur support n esp, thank u 4 being my best fren. i'll rmrbr all u did 4 me 4 life. n thank u 4 all ur care n love. take care. miss ya. i love u loads.

Nikki : hey sweetie. im sori abt jus nw. i jus...i wan 2 help u. bt if dats wat u wan, i wont sae aniting else..im sori i havent been a reali gd best fren 2 u. im sori 4 all those tyms i hurt u. im sori 4 everything i did n didn't do. i love u. reali. thank u 4 always being dere 4 me. esp wen im in dire need of comfort. thank u 4 caring even thou u urself nd care. thank u 4 all u support and love. thank u 4 being my best fren. if u nd me, im here ok? i promise i wont overeact or judge u darl. i'll jus listen. i promise. cross my heart. take care. miss ya. i love u loads.

Jellie : hey girl, i understand. i reali do. i'm going thru e exact same ting u r darl. its ok. reali. im not going 2 judge u bt im not saying u shld keep doing dat. u promised u'd try ryt? bt its ok. i get it. sumtyms promises r meant 2 b broken. u take lotsa care tau. im always here if u nd me. u noe dat ryt? n thank u 4 offering 2 accompany me. dat's reali sweet of u n i appreciate it. thank u. rmrbr im always here 4 u. take lotsa care. i love u.

Nissa : hey babe, seems lyk its been so long seen i las tok 2 u. how r u doing darl? i hope ur doing good. rmbr, if u ever nd aniting, im always here 4 u ok? take care. lurve.

Ok i'm done.

:)

ta.

lurve 2 all hu noe me.

Sometimes, you wonder whether you can keep all the promises that you make.

Stake that thru my heart

Today's not a gd day

But den again, wen will any day b a gd day?

I feel lyk shit.

And den u tell me i can't cut. n i can't cry.

Fuck.

Why r u making me do this 2 myself?

Bt i noe u want e best 4 me.

I want that too.

But it hurts.

it hurts

Fuck.

I wan it.

i nd it.

wld u understand?

i suppose dats a rhetorical qns.

Fuck.

I'm crying again.

I wan dis 2 b over.

I wan it 2 b all better.

Bt it's hurting me more.

I dun wan 2 keep bothering u.

I'll deal wif it myself.

Problem is, cn i?

Sometimes, you wonder why your hurting over something you shouldn't be hurting over

Bullet on butterfly wings

3rd day of raya.

Haven't blog 4 so long.

been busy.

Collecting money? lolz.

got umm...almost 300?

nt bad 4 2 days.

lolz.

cn go out a lot now!

yayness.

:)

1st day raya ws sort of fun.

went to dad's side 1st.

was ok.

a bit sad thinking abt auntie n atok.

aniwaez, menu was e same.

i dun tink it's ever gonna change.

every year eat same ting.

lolz.

sad thing is i'm gonna gain shitloads of weight.

ergh.

den wen over 2 mum's side.

celebrated me n fadly's b'dae.

utterly embarassing.

now everybody noes im old.... :(

bt mak nga gave me dis big cuddly teddy.

so fun.

Mr. Cuddlezz PB.

lolz.

gt more quid den my sis.

belated b'dae money.

:)

am hapi.

bt bt i haf no idea wat 2 do wif e money,

since i'm getting e nano free...

bt nvm, shall go shopping spree.

whee.

Oh no. Sch on mon.

dat jus sux.

ergh.

bt at least cn c everybody again.

miss em?

yup.

lots.

:)

Snam: I told nikki. secret's out? Btw, i was being paranoid dat day. she was fine. :)

n i still dunno wat's gonna happen. bt nvm. Fi misses n loves snam loads. :)

btw, raya kalau nak gi rumah sparky, gi sendiri ah k. bleh meet ur mak mertua kan??

lolz. :)

Nikki: Heyya. U kept ur promise. thank you. u dun noe how much dat means 2 me. ingat kiter always here 4 awak tau. :) Fall back any time k. Promise you'll say if it gets 2 much?

Love u loads. :)

Naddie: Gd luck 4 O's babe. Tink of me, sure cn do e paper. lolz. btw, lucky i remind u ryt? lolz. C ya on tmr at fadly's sweetie. Hapi mugging.

Lastly,

Selamat Hari Raya 2 all!!

Maaf Zahir batin.

kalau ada salah silap, minta maaf banyak2.

kalau tak maafkan dosa tau. hehe. :)

Btw, sori ah aku tk organize jln raya 2e3 dis yr.

busy la.

u all organize la eh.

da set date, tell me.

:)

3e9, wen u all nak gi???

set date tau.

after extended studies?

21st.

lolz.

Haiz, now i'm wondering, why did i make dat promise?

i haf no frigging idea.

Bt im trying. reali.

even thou its killing everything in me..

For all I know of you now...

It's 1.11 in e morning.

I'm sleepy bt i'm fighting it 2 write dis 1 post.

sigh.

Had a revelation kinda day

Seem 2 b getting a lot of those kinda days these few days.

For all that I know of you now...

Fear.

I fear i'll lose you.

It's a powerful emotion.

It makes you 4get hu u r.

wat u r doin

it kills u inside.

It's killing me inside.

Like how its killing u 2.

ppl say dat u haf 2 face ur fears.

sumtyms i tink its true. bt sumtyms, i tink its such bullshit.

i'm scared 2 tink of wat will happen if i face mine.

wat will become of us?

i'm veri scared.

i can't breathe.

We're all human. we plan in e fear dat we may nt haf a chance 2 live life the way we want to.

we plan; events, birthdays, anniversary

bt mostly, we all plan the future.

we did 2.

we had so many plans

so much going for us.

N sumtyms, god doesnt want us 2 go by our plan.

N it hurts.

We might as well be strangers

For all that I know of you now...