The fire in your eyes

Finally i'm blogging. Just couldn't squeeze in the time to

blog these days.

In the space between this entry and my last one, plenty of things happened.

Raya passed and it was an okay day for me.

Strangely, raya is always an eye-opener and the day where i i get to know things i swear i have no idea about.

in a way, its always the day for serious talk.

sometimes, its the five of us; wild and unstoppable Nadia, mature and practical Mohsin, Fadly the family rebel, Qai the quiet emo kid and me.

but this year, it was just me and mohsin.

i was extremely touched when he cried with me.

coming from him who normally avoids showing raw emotion in the prescence of anyone was kinda huge.

but, whatever it is, i'm very thankful i'll always have him.

so after raya it was back to studying.

camped out in sch in the morning and jalan raya-ed at night.

damn tiring but it worked in the sense that i got to study and collect duit raya which god knows i really need.

by the time friday came around, me and shaf decided to go study at the airport.

so after an indulgent lunch at swenson's, we plonked ourselves at the viewing mall and started studying. somehow we made 6 hours straight.

i thought it was a miracle that we even made 1 hour straight without losing our focus or getting distracted.

plus the bone chilling cold penetrating our skin and the pretty uncomfortable positions we have to study in, namely, sprawling ourselves on the floor or studying with our knees drawn.

kinda hurts the ass part of our anatomies.

and this continued on for the past 3 days and tomorrow's gonna be another study marathon.

i'm gonna loving it actually.

cos i can focus so much more.

whoa. i think the pressure's getting to everyone.

on top of that, some of us are just going through a down in life.

i'd say it happens and there's nothing you can do to stop it so you just have to stay strong and hold on cos the ride's almost over.

for shaf: darling, stay strong. you know you will always have me and you don't have to be afraid. i will never walk away from you. so i can assure you that you've got me tagging along every step of the way. you know like some annoying bulldog. :) you can do this princess. and always remember, i will always be here for you, even if the entire world isn't. love ya loads girl.

for asy: hey there princess. cheer up kay. i understand how you feel. i'm sorry i can't do much to help you but i can listen and you will always have me to listen. anytime you need me, just look me up. promise i'll pick up your call even if it's at 3 in the morning. stay strong love. bersabar banyak-banyak kay? love ya loads too girl.

Sidetrack: i lost my wallet yesterday. along with my NRIC, my ez-link card, my house keys,my nametag, my eyeliner and the poem you wrote for me. my only copy of it. great. i hope i get my wallet back. please pray for me.

lastly, so long and good night to all my loves.

love you all loads.

The long run home

Finally i managed to get into the blogger page.

am on a short break as the ligaments and tendons in my wrist and fingers are screaming for a rest.

(not surprising seeing as how i copied 6 pages of lecture by mrs lopez just now and also finished up merger and separation for ss.)

so i thought i'd just post something today.

been a while since i did anyway.

As usual, i'm in the school library.

there's a whole troupe of sec. 4's cooped up here studying our butts off.

it's all been pretty lucid these few days.

filled with ups and downs which is normal so i just go with the flow.

Thank you an for being there for me and listening to me talk about everything.

thanks for being patient and waiting for me to find my voice and understanding that it's hard for me to open up like that.

i don't know whether what you said is true.

i don't think she's dead yet.

she's still living inside me and i suppose waiting for the right time to break free.

you call her phoenix.

i ask why and you said because she is so full of passion and fiery angst that even a phoenix pales in comparison.

sometimes, she makes a little appearance and let me catch a glimpse of her and it scares me so much.

i'm so scared she'll take control again.

i can't let that happen. i'm not strong enough for the consequences if that happens.

you told me that you'll be my saviour and you'll keep phoenix caged and you'll help me destroy her so she will really be dead.

thank you.

strangely, i don't know why i trust you so much.

maybe it's cos your're an.

Oh yeah, i've been writing more and more now.

and i'm loving it.

I'm on my long run home.

Sidetrack: apparently, there are just some people out there who take it in their stride to intentionally hurt others . to them it's like sportful malice. seriously, get a life. it's disgusting the way you just have to pull stupid totally unfunny pranks on people you don't even know just to get a little kick. despicable

Silence of the unintended

Salahkah aku kerana terlalu mencintaimu

Salahkah aku kerana kau ku anggap sebagai duniaku

Mengapakah dikau hukum diri ini kerana salah yang seharusnya membawa seribu erti

Mengapa dilerai ikatan utuh yang lahir tulus dari hati

Mengapakah kau berpaling arah, ku takkan bisa mengerti

Seakan laut yang tidak bisa mendakap syurga

Seakan bayu ketandusan kiriman cinta

Bak merpati putih yang terbang pergi

Kegersangan hati ini, hanya menunggu saat dikau kembali

Namun, kerana tidak disuratkan Ilahi,

Hati ini hanya mampu pasrah menunggu cinta bertandang lagi

I wrote this during SS block period just now.

Suddenly inspiration struck and i just wrote.

it's been such a long time since i wrote anything especially in malay so it was a refreshing and gratifying experience.

And if you're wondering, yes. it's dedicated to you.

The silence of the unintended crafted solely by the mere thought of you.

Numbing the pain

Ahah. Criticism from the normal people on my tagboard.

Well, i must say that you missed my point entirely.

i'm not trying to say that crying inspires people.

where the hell did that come from?

my point is that if you numb yourself, like how that certain person i was talking about was doing,

you can't get anywhere.

numbing yourself renders you incapable of achieving your true potential.

take me for example.

i numbed myself for 6 whole years and look where that got me, a stint in the INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH and a flirt with clinical depression.

i know what it's like to numb yourself.

it's not good.

my point was that if breaking someone will help them to FEEL all the hurt and pain that they've pushed aside for such a long time, it'll will undoubtedly help them come to terms with the pain and accept it.

fact is, acceptance is one of the hardest things in life but we all have to go through it.

and only when we fully accept it then we can MOVE ON with our life.

there's a saying "in order to move on, we have to immerse and seep ourselves in our pain, not push it away."

so how are you going to immerse yourself in your pain and really FEEL it if you're numbing yourself?

my intention here is to HELP not to hurt more. yes it will hurt to feel after so long but its a way in order to move on.

I mean come on, i've had myself cut open as though i'm a cadaver undergoing autopsy and it's undoubtedly made me come to terms with all the bottled up hurt and pain.

I guess, the fact is that you will never understand it unless you have gone through it yourself.

Seeing with eyes that see

As usual, am in the cold and sterile library.

Shaf is sitting beside me, pondering on whether to message him or not.

apparently, making the first move is harder than people say it is.

hmm.

talked to an again yesterday or on actual terms, this morning.

been quite some time since i talked to him so it was nice as well as full of the normal lame comments and puns.

tsk.

apparently(an's counting the number of times i say this) i'm extremely lame when provoked.

and unfortunately for him,he's figured out my tendancy to beat around the bush as well as getting the last word in.

(not to worry, i've assured him i'll let him win one day as long as he doesn't bite my ears off when we meet. which incidentally, might be way after O's are over.)

Everyone's insisting it's not platonic cos' there seems to be a hint of attraction and powerful chemistry.

oh well, he's a nice guy and going with the flow is best.

we'll just see how it goes.

hmm.

i just got cornered by a certain someone to give her a pep talk.

i'd be more than happy to darling.

but you must remember that my pep talks are not like other pep talks.

i'll unwind you right down to your bones and make you feel like you've never felt before.

it's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck.

while it's true that i vary my pep talks according to different people,i think in your case, you need me to make you feel.

you haven't felt yet and its been so long.

almost 7 months.

you need to feel.

and i'm gonna make you feel.

it's not gonna be pretty though and that's why i asked if you're ready for it.

personally, no offence here, i think that you're not.

but if it's not done now, the consequences are gonna be far greater.

and if breaking you down and making you feel is the way to ensuring you raise your morale and get motivation, i'll gladly do it.

i just hope you won't hate me too much afterwards cos like i said, it's not gonna be pretty or nice.

and it's gonna freaking hurt.

you told me when we're moving out of class just now,

"you see right through me fee."

yeah i do.

it's an uncanny ability i have.

so no lies or keeping things from me.

proof? shaf can't.

she always says it's not fair that i can read her so well.

Like that time she was krapping about "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder".

subtle hint but i got it. haha.

hey girl? get used to it okay. you got the rest of your life ahead of you with me doing that. :)

And an, get used to it also. you're gonna get more of it where it came from.

(by the way, i cannot believe that you went for terawih at masjid istighfar and i went all the way to masjid mydin. subtle hint to catch that silver of a glimpse? in a way. )

it's 12.01 now and shaf's getting damn bored waiting for me to finish this (what seems to her as) a super long entry.

so to not antagonise her further, i'll stop now.

gotta go absorb more Mao facts anyway.

So ta to all the players in the stage of the world.

good acting guys.

lotsa love.

A minor sidetrack: I asked Mrs Cheong in chemistry on whether alcohols are acidic or alkali. she said they're neutral. now that will explain why when you down an alcoholic beverage, it burns your throat which in essence would means its acidic since acids are corrosive BUT booze also tastes bitter which is one of the properties of an alkali. thus, it makes sense that they're neutral with both acidic and alkali properties. eh wait, if they have both acidic and alkali properties, wouldn't they be amphoteric instead?

Transition through evolution

Oh my god. Shaf just had a totally SPASTIC moment.

she freaked out about some nonsense on deleting her own testi for 'asy or some thing like that.

I'm not going to even waste my brain cells trying to comprehend that.

so got back english and malay paper.

i guess i did pretty okay.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed.

missed bloody A1 by a range of 2.5 marks for both papers.

damn.

something tells me i should have studied peribahasa.

and i just figured out that i can not use my english marks for my LIR5.

hmm.

now i'm not sure which i wanna use- HML or english.

Oh well, shall just do my best and figure it out later.

oh ya, i've been sleeping at a rough average of 4 every night for 5 days now.

i swear i'm not going to pick up any more late night calls.

yeah right.

ops.

gotta go. ss now.

which i'm gonna screw up.

shit