Okay.You can stop shooting me now...

I'm feeling good today.

The MLU seminar ran pretty smoothly.

I was supposed to be in school by 8 but I overslept and reached school at 8.10.

After all the briefing by Cikgu Zul, me and Hidayah got prepared.

All 600 teachers were reporting so there were some who strayed all the way to our booth.

Argh. My bahasa baku is so damn rusty and I stuttered the first few times and used un-baku malay. haha.

At 9.45 sharp, the teachers went for break.

Meaning 600++ of them were at the foyer.

Cikgu left us to mingle around and we handed out Saujana Pujangga, the magazine that TPJC and IJC produced together last year.

And Mr Masagos made his rounds and talked to both of us.

He asked what is saujana and my mind decided it was the right time to go blank.
Somehow we salvaged the situation and he was really nice and fun to talk to.

After the teachers all went up to LT1 again, we were technically free all the way until 1 plus.

So we had breakfast and we talked to cikgu zul.

He's cool. Havoc. haha.

And since the J2's were setting up their broadcasting stuff, me and hidayah decided to steal borrow RI's congkak board and played congkak.

I kept losing cos I wasn't really concentrating.

Cikgu Tetty came soon after and she sat down with us and played a turn against me.

By that time, it started raining and after the $10,000 white screen almost toppled, we decided to help out again.

Fast forward, the whole booth was wrapped up much earlier than usual.

After eating lunch, I hung around, trying to help them all pack but I got shooed away instead.

So I wandered off to the other booths and then helped carry the stuff back into the mlep room.

By the time they all started playing batu serembat and lastik each other with blue tack, I got shooed away for real so I went home.

All in all, the day went pretty smoothly and put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

I have a friend made out of lava.

Hot shit.

No wonder it burns.

:)

*

I can't remember what you look like anymore

Fuck is a good word to describe it

I just got home from MLU Seminar Rehearsal.

I'm not gonna comment much on how it went.

Let's just say if you know how gemilang rehearsals went, it's pretty much the same.

Except for different protagonists that is.

Apparently I did a totally stupid thing on my way home 2 hours ago.

I took 161 to Sengkang, crossed the over head bridge and my luck wasn't in so i missed 89.

So I waited, whilst coughing like shit. I have no idea why my cough is getting worse when I have been eating my meds. (I swear I have.)

Then along came a bus.

I saw the number plate and I boarded it.

Fell asleep a minute later.

And I woke up with dense forest surrounding me.

I took a deep breath and tried really hard not to panic.

My phone was dying so I can't call out to anyone for help (like say my dad so he can pick me up)

So the bus continued its journey, passing more and more trees.

Until it reached punggol pier.

I just went "oh fuck."

By then, I was the only one on the bus.

I guess the driver must have thought what the hell a school girl is doing going to punggol pier.

And then, after the bus loops and I still didn't press the bell,

I imagine he must have thought where the hell I was actually heading since I didn't drop at punggol pier or any of the bustops afterward.

To my huge relief, the bus turned into a place I actually recognised and I finally pressed the bell.

And ended up exactly where I was half an hour ago.

So I had to cross the overhead bridge again and wait for 89 again.

This time I made sure I read the number plate correctly and it stated 89 instead of 82.

(don't ask me how the hell I read 82 as 89)

Oh ya, apparently, I'm developing what I think is gastric.

Cos, I haven't been eating properly due to my poor appetite since the time I have been sick.

Hidayah said I actually looked like I was forcing myself to eat the burger I was eating for breakfast cum lunch cum maybe dinner (blame the rehearsal for that) at BK after the whole thing was finally over.

In a sense I kinda was cos something in the burger tasted salty on my tongue.

So I tried taking out the turkey bacon and it went down much easier.

I'm now down 7 kg since 3 weeks ago.

I'm wondering whether the weight will stop plummeting.

I'm only going to write this next bit because I know you won't read it.

Just because I know you don't read my blog.

And I don't want to hurt you by saying this to your face cos I know coming from me, it will hurt.

I'm just feeling a little bit peeved at you.

Cos you weren't there for me yet you expect me to be there for you all the way.

I'm not saying that I won't.

I'm just trying to reiterate that it's a two way thing.

I can't keep on giving if you won't let me do the taking.

Whatever it is that I'm feeling, I know it will pass soon.

I just had to write it down somewhere so I don't crack under more shits.

Just know that I still love you loads.

*

On a page inside a spiral notebook

It's your name over again

Intertwined around the cold black lines

How do I make you fade away

Mummy said there will be days like this

Last count.

10 breakdowns in 5 days.

Drained is really an understatement for me right now.

At least its some comfort to my eyes that the last 8 breakdowns weren't as major as the first 2.

I guess the reason for all the succesive breakdowns is simple.

I kept it in too long.

I burst.

End of story.

After the breakdowns, Life had to deal me another bad hand.

Somehow, (I have no idea how) I contracted another 39 degrees celsius fever.

Less than a month since my bacterial infection.

in the last 3 weeks alone, I've lost a total of 6 kg.

3/4 of my pants are all dropping off me.

Even my school uniform skirt is getting a tad too lose.

If I lose anymore weight I swear I'm gonna be like an anorexic satay stick.

Anyway, since I had a high fever again,

the weekend has seen me lazing around, resting and sleeping mainly.

I went to Abg Zul's wedding with the damn pretty pelamin.

Sial ah, when I get married, I'll make sure it's on a cruise ship with a pelamin just as exquisite, black satin velvet and all. ceh mcm btol jer aku ni.

I stayed a total of 2 hours before I went off home.

The heat and the noise and my coughing just made me miss home.

Bani and Dilah came over right after I reached home and changed, coughing my way through everything.

We chilled a while before Bani had to go off for work which left Dilah at my house until late afternoon.

Bnyk kau nyer nk balek at 4pm.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're on cloud 9 and then suddenly lightning strikes?

and you fall head first to the ground miles below?

And you lie there in a pool of your own blood, not feeling aything because there is too much adrenaline coursing through your veins , it numbs the pain?

And then finally after a long while, the pain comes rushing back and that's when you really wished the fall had killed you instead.

It's funny isn't it?

How you try to run away from everything and it all catches up with you sooner.

And then you're caught blind trying to find your way out of all the things suffocating you.

Just so you can run away again.

I've been running all my life.

As much as I tell myself I've stopped.

I haven't.

I'm just running faster, trying to kid myself that I can get away from it all.

*

I stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring.

And I wanna make it worth the fight.

This is all for you

Tak ingin lagi
Dan tak mahu lagi berpisah
Bukan dengan kerelaan hati
Penyesalan yang tiada kesudahan
Ku tersepit dalam jerat sendiri


Ku genggam kenangan indah
Simpanlah senda gurauan
Andainya kau kerinduan
Itulah jadi penanwar
Sungguh ku terharu dan pilu
Kasih kusemai kau abaikan
Putusnya ikatan cinta
Mungkin tiada jodoh kita


Berdosakah diriku
Terpaksa melepaskan
Cintamu yang serapuh
Dahan nan kering usang
Yang akhirnya kan patah
Terhempa gemeretap
Oh sungguh memilukan
Tak dapat ku bayangkan
Seribu kali sayang
Sangkaku kan ke mati
Cerita kasih kita
Rupanya seketika
Setelah merelakan
Setelah kau bisikkan
Segugus janji-janji
Tergamak kau mungkiri
Apakah sebenar yang terjadi
Hingga kau bersikap demikian
Sedangkan kau
Sesungguhnya percaya
Kasihku tak berbelah bagi
Aduhai
Tak sanggup ku kenangkan
Semua telah nyata
Cintamu gurauan
Datang dan hilang
Semahu hatimu
Itulah falsafah
Pegangan cintamu
Namun harus kau ingat
Hati yang manakah
Selamanya kan sabar


Terasa bagai ditusuk sembilu bisa
Pedihnya entah bila akan terhenti
Berkasih di rimba asmara berapi
Terbakar hanya ku sendiri
Oh mengapa...
Ke mana hilang janji dan sumpah setia
Ke mana tumpah selaut harum kasturi
Apakah mungkin kan terulang kembali
Asyiknya cinta bagai dulu
Atau serapuhnya mimpi
Yang pulang pagi...
Semakin ingin aku lupakan
Dan semakin bayang wajahmu kan menjelma
Di manakah puncanya derita
Kusendiri tidak pasti.. sayang...

Jikalau pelangi enggan bermain

Wewarnanya…

Jikalau mentari enggan berkongsi

Berbahangnya.. (ohhh…)

Barulah aku mengaku

Cinta kita telah musnah

Barulah aku mengaku

Cinta kita kekal padah

It's paradigm shifts all over again

This week has been full of shit for me.

I feel and look like crap.

Been breaking down since Monday night after Shaf left my house.

All together I think I've broken down a total of 6 times in 3 days.

Very bad for my eyes.

Apparently, its paradigm shifts all over again.

I'm just scared I'm not strong enough to stand it all.

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why Am I searching for perfection?
Knowing it's something I won't find
In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I runTill it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

It's all about the pictures.

These are all the pictures from Sunday night's Midsummer Night's Dream.

I'm too tired and lazy to blog about it in detail.

So this post is just pics.

As a group, with Dil in some photos.

Me and Lasse.

And this is my shit companion Nami.

Vani the gangsta.

Afiqah Mazlan and Afiqah Alias.
aka
Fi and Fiqa

I love this photo and I love the babe beside me. 5 years and counting. :)

Random pictures of the lovebirds, nami and dil. fiqa and shaf emo.

ilham and fiqa emo. and the lovebirds and the bro and sis.

Next up are photos taken the day after.

I'm compiling them all on 1 slide cos I'm too lazy to upload them up one by one.

These past two days havent been good to me at all.

Dilah thanks. i love you for everything you've ever done for me and for understanding me beyond what i can ever expect out of anyone. thanks cinta. and feel honoured yeah? haha.

I can't believe I broke down in front of you.

There's no roads left

So I came home at a record time of 1 am yesterday.

Thank god I managed to catch the last bus.

If not I would have had to walk home and probably reached close to 2am.

i'm not gonna blog about yesterday just yet cos I wanna add the photos as well.

so i'll blog about it later at night (after i'm done with my lit essay) and after Ilham and shaf and dil(sorry nasz, i can't call you that.) send me the photos.

Am in the library right now.

Apparently today is a damn slack.

cos cikgu's not here which means malay and PW is self study.

and ms universe is out at the pre-u seminar with my ying ling.

ahh. i'm gonna miss her.

it really surprise me how i'm so attached to all the bitches in my class.

I love all of them like shit.

haha.

When there's no roads left, we somehow still find our way regardless of whether we'll get hurt along the way.

The msgs me and Shaf send each other

Me:
Dedaun melayang ditiup bayu
menghujani bumi tanpa henti
kau mmg muker tk tau malu
perasan puji diri sendiri


Her:
Eh... taik hidung kau dala masin
nk step tak miss aku langsung
aku tk heran lau kau tk miss ku satu sen
aku tau kau miss si sotong


Me:
HAHA! siak ah kau! rabak ah buat pantun...memandai jer.


Her:
Haha. kate spontan beb. syg nga uat pe ar syg?


Me:
i nga buat karangan. syg i pat saner nga buat pe?


Her:
Syg u nga tryign to do karangan bt tk leh buat. tink of you too muchla syg. biler ntah kite dapat bertemu eh. dala keluarga u slalu tk suker dgn i. kiter elope aje la syg.


Me:
tkleh ah syg. i tk de duit. tkpe. bersabarlah sygku. nnt kiter bertemu di syurgawi.

HAHA! mepek je.

Waste sms aku jer.

See what boredom can inspire us to do.

HAHA.

I laugh everytime I read them.

I remember the stupid msges we msg each other in the mornings when on the way to tampines mrt.

And i'll be sniggering on my own on the bus and people will give me weird looks.

HAHA.

those were the times.

whatever it is, i love you shaf!

:)

What if there's nothing there?

I haven't been cam-whoring a lot lately.

Partly because I've been too caught up with work and partly because of the eye bags that have permanently stuck themselves to the underside of my eyes.

I see them staring starkly out at me whenever I place myself before a mirror.

I still look pretty much the same but when I look closer, I see the weariness etched into the subtle lines of my face, the slant of my eyebrows.

I see the luminescent sheen of my irises, like there are unshed tears brimming just below the surface.

I know for a fact that last year changed who I was.

Revamped my whole being and transformed my whole outlook of life.

I could never be content being the same person I was or hanging out with the same people I used to.

It strikes me how I never thought I would go anywhere yet now, a mere year later, I'm miles away from where I was.

It's just too hard to travel back to that same place that once gave me comfort and made me feel safe.

And if you gave me a choice, I'd tell you I never want to.

To travel back that is.

and that's only because I've seen what's on the other side of the door.

I'm not really sure whether I'm making sense.

Just take it as me rambling as usual.

I've been established as a people person.

Not that I mind.

I was just thinking how true it is.

How my every move is fueled by the people that I love and care for.

And how I feel for other what they can't feel.

Mrs. Nathan asked me "Do you ever feel yourself so burdened?"

I looked at her and I answered honestly that yes, I've felt like that.

She gave me this look that I cant quite decipher and said "You're carrying every one else's burden as well."

I found myself at a loss as to what to say.

Sometimes when I breakdown, it's not because of me.

It's because everything just got too much.

Those who know me well will know this part of me.

How I rarely cry over myself and you'll never get to see me do that.

Most of the time, whatever shit life throws at me plus all the worry I feel for whoever it is all piles up and just burst.

And its a real catharsis of emotions.

Because I will do my damn best to hold it all in until it cracks and bursts on its own self.

I guess I'm just afraid that if someone ever took the trouble to fight me off and knock down all my walls, they'll find nothing there.

This is gonna be random

You take the breath right out of me.

You left a hole where my heart should be.

You got to fight just to make it through,

'cause I will be the death of you.

I finally paid for the Midsummer Night Dream tickets on Sunday.

Apparently the dress code for 0734A on the day is black.

No surprise really.

I'm wondering what to wear.

Hmm...

This post is gonna be random.

I'm in the whole reflective mood again.

Meaning that there are too many thoughts running around in my head that it's hard for me to pick one to write about.

I read your blog.

Somehow I find myself at a loss of what to say to you.

I always imagined that I knew what to say to you and make it all better.

But I realise that I can't afford to make it better for you anymore because you're too lost.

I don't know how to reel you back into life and tell you to stop what you're doing.

Just because it's not only hurting yourself but it's hurting everyone else too.

I don't know how to tell you that I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe if I was the one in your shoes, I would be exactly like you.

But then I found myself thinking that if anything like that ever happened to me, I'll be a different person.

I won't do what you are doing.

Because I'm like you in so many aspects yet I'm so different from you.

And I don't know how to tell you that.

I feel the fire burning in your eyes as you look at the world and the resentment pouring out of you scares me.

Even though I hate to admit that it does.

You're dancing with the devil and I wonder if you have any idea.

Love is when your heart aches and breaks when he's sad. Love is when you cry for his pain even when he's strong. Love is when his eyes sees your true heart and touches your soul so deeply it hurts. Love is when an incomprehensible mix of pain pulls you close and holds you to him. Love is when you accept his faults because that's part of who he is. Love is when you are attracted to others but stay with him faithfully, without regret. Love is when you give him your heart, your life and your death. Love is pain, agony, torture, a powerful death of self yet it is so addictive and that is the beauty of love.

I want so much to be able to fall in love unrestrainedly, kinda like how I did with you.

But deeper.

I want to feel that heart wrenching pain of love so deep it hurts.

I feel it all bubbling just under the surface, lapping at my insides like the ocean waves.

Yet I feel it's all held back.

It's like you left a hole right where my heart should be and now it's just an empty abyss.

I can't feel.

And I can't help but wonder why.

Stay with me, and I will show you the night; we will gaze upon the stars; the moon that I adore. All without the expectation that you should mimic their luminescence, my darling, but so that you will heighten your flame in faith as you see that you are not alone between the eons of twilight.

*

I am obsessed with beauty.

The true naked terror of it.

Because to me, nothing contains more incandescent beauty than pain.

I never asked if you could...

I'm finally able to blog after such a long period of time that blogger screwed up on me.

I've been missing quite a bit of school this past week.

Missed Monday from the bacterial infection I suffered from since the last thursday.

(I found it amusing that I had a bacterial infection a week after ying ling had a viral infection)

Came home late on Tuesday cos I went for my first ever debate session where I totally screwed up selection cos I totally forgot the new French presidents name and also because I got flustered when I was trying to deliver my speech.

Yesterday night was the night that I came home the latest on a school day.

Made it home at 12 since I had to travel from Nad's house in Sembawang all the way to Pasir Ris.

Was too tired to drag myself to school so I rested at home and studied for GP.

covered all that I need to cover so I'm just left with my 2 karangan-s to do.

I freaking miss talking to Muhammad Farhan bin Diab.

Seriously an, I miss you sia.

know you're damn busy and you'll call when you start missing me too much. haha.

I never asked if you could...But if I asked you to, would you?

The Fire In Your Eyes

Fire
it burns and destroys
ravage and devastate
spiralling out of control, unrestrained
a myriad of a thousand colours
the beauty of such a flame
that same fire in your eyes
burns yet it heals
heals though there's still pain
spiralling out of control, unrestrained
you took the breath right out of me
and left a hole where my heart should be

We'd reach forever and ever

I feel the fatigue wrapping itself layer by layer over my muscles, seeping into my veins.

Sometimes, I'm hit with a spasm that I can't control.

A fatigue so thorough that I can't bring myself to get out of the bed I flopped myself on a few mintues before.

It makes me miss the times when I had control. (or so I thought) during the period of self-inflicting tattoos on my skin.

In the brief moments where I am so tired, I severely crave those times yet feel angry at myself that I even allow myself to.

Maybe it's the weather. the rains have a tendency to bring out my melancholic side.

Or maybe it's just the journey back and forth each day. The routine.

The same bus routes.

I can take routine but I don't necessarily like it.

Yet when routine ends with change, I scream for familiarity.

It's easy to blame it all on Time.

Time that took away things I haven't begun to fully appreciate.

Indifferent is a very good way to describe my attitude towards Time.

I just don't count it.

It just passes. If I happen to notice the time, then I do. If I don't, then I just don't.

Hmm. I read the post over again and I realise I'm not coming to my point.

As usual, there's just too many things running around in my head.

If I took the time to string them all together, end to end, they'd reach forever.