Last words

As of 20/11/08, this blog will not be updated any longer.
It's simply because I'm getting increasingly irked out about updating here.
Mostly because I don't want RL people to read all my innermost thoughts and my fangirl spazzes.
It's irksome because in RL, I'm different from when I blog and it irks me when people pretend to understand and think that they know me when in reality it's not always the case.
So I'm abandoning this blog.
It's been a really great 3 years but in a sense, that is long enough and it's time to make a change.
To all those who've read and tagged etc, thanks.

P.S. I'm not disclosing where I've moved to for the above mentioned reason. You could ask me but they may be a chance I may not tell you anyway.

MKMF 2008

And so its been 2 days since MKMF and everybody's still talking about it.
In particular TOP's kiss with Hyori.
Whoa. Lucky her but then again, all the antis may start hating her now cos she got to kiss TOP.
I mean, who wouldn't? tsk.
Big Bang's special stage with Hyori was good. I liked how they sang bits from all their hits and taeyang! :)
But I still think DBSK's performance was the best that night.
They totally owned the stage even though they were freaking exhausted.
Jae had gigantic eyebags and all that. tsk. the boys need rest urgently.
I still didn't get what he was wearing though, the fur and all that but hey, he showed off his abs again. His coat button came mysteriously undone halfway through Wrong number. heh.
Speaking of outfits I don't get,
Minho and Taemin were clad in literally shiny gold coats and Minho looked like a freaking Mafia boss or something.
And Yunho looked like a Mafia boss too. he had something that looked like a dead raccoon over his shoulder and Jae as usual was wearing nothing under his coat. -_-
BB had lots of fur action going on too.
I really don't get the fur thing. >_<
And surprise surprise, SJ wasn't there. As always. I'm so disappointed I'm not even going to talk about it.
Anyway, Shinee won best newcomer award!!
They deserve it. Their live performances have all been amazingly on the mark.
Key of course started crying on stage. Jonghyun too. Even Minho showed emotion which is so rare for him.
Only magnae was calm as always and smiling away at the camera.
And onew! he tried so hard to not burst out crying when he was giving his speech.
and the shot of Yoochun and Junsu clapping along like proud parents during Onew's speech made me laugh. lol.
Big Bang won Best Artist and Best Male Group!! Yay. :)
they totally deserve it too after working so bloody hard this year and all the quality albums they've produced.
DBSK won Best Album! I'm thrilled for them since they've only been back in Korea for 2 months or so and given the many other good albums this year, they did good. :)
Oh and magnae cried really hard when they received the award.
A bit shocking that he out of all the 5,was the one bawling his eyes out.
Chunface gave him a hug and tried to comfort him but he only succeeded in making Changmin cry more. Not to mention that he was trying not to burst into tears as well cos he has to play the hyung role. -_-
Changmin's so going to be on next year's best tearful acceptance speeches or something. :)


Yup so that's MKMF 2008.
Hopefully MKMF 2009 features more MIA artists esp SJ and Battle and hopefully more DBSK and BB too. :)

Remember

I'm eating pisang kukus with a bit of nutella and sweetened milk.
guhh. so sinful but so very nice.
I remember eating that all the time in Indon.
Sometimes with just chocolate rice on top and sometimes it's sweetened milk with grated cheese.
Sounds like a weird combi but it's delish. :)




My sister actually listened to me talk yesterday about, well about whatever is happening.
I even told her about that relapse in August.
She doesn't judge me for it and she just listens even when I keep repeating the same thing over and over.
I'm just really glad that she's much more mature than most girls her age.
It makes it so much more easier to talk to her properly.
And I stayed up all the way with her until 4 plus.
Cos we both have horrible insomnia and we can't sleep.
I dragged my fan into her room and we slept on the new futons my grandma brought back from indon and we played songs and sang along.
Mostly a lot of FTI songs. A bit of SHINee and lee ji hoon's doll and Kyuhyun's version of Dahl Paeng Ee.
She's really converted me into a Shinee fan(I got over the pedophile thingy) and now stuffing with me loads of FTI (I think jonghun is really good looking. sue will kill me for saying that. haha.) and other random stuff like Younha and Minwoo's Don't Trust Men.
-_-


And Big Bang's 2nd Album rocks. As always.
They're really the shits.
And not to mention hardcore as well.
They've released so many things this year alone and every song is really good stuff.
Clearly, BB never disappoints. :)


I just realised that the later of the year was filled with many good stuff from all the boys.
there's BB naturally.
And DBSK of course. (Mirotic! Jaejoong arms!)
And Shinee's Shinee World and Amigo.
And FTI.
whoa.
The only one missing is SJ's 3rd album and Battle's long awaited album. -_-
Soon. soon.

haru haru mudyeojyeogane

...to stay numb.


It'll hurt a lot less


to want everything and yet nothing at the same time

Eoddeokhae?

A's are finally drawing to a close.
I only have 3 more papers to go and then I'm done, 2 years of mugging and hell already over.
I just can't wait for it all to be over.
I just want to get it over and done with and get it out of the way.
I'm not going to comment on the papers I've sat for so far.
Like someone told me, there's no point anyway cos it's already over.


Strangely, I found strength in the most unlikely of places.
In people that resurfaced back in my life from somwhere from the past.
In a way it's good cos I get to keep fairly sane enough to get through this last 3 papers, but then again, none has even come close




Editing 634 pages is really really taxing.
And reading everything all over again is taxing too.
It's the memories that resurface really.
or maybe I'm just being too nostalgic.




I can't do this anymore.
I can't deny feelings that I try to deny.
I can't keep telling myself reasons I don't believe.
Cos that's the truth.
I don't believe in this anymore.
Maybe its Time or maybe it's just me.


Eoddeokhae?


Half of me is screaming to let this go cos it hurts more not to.


And because now I don't know what to say to you.


It's just time.


Or so I keep telling myself.

what's the difference now?

And so I'm 18 now.
It really feels no different than being 17.
Today feels no different than any other day too.
Except for the birthday wishes of course(thanks dilah,ying,sue,bani asy,diy and my lj fandomers)
I think except the fact that now I'm already legal to consume and buy alcohol, there's nothing really special about it.
But that's just maybe cos I've never considered my birthday to be anything special.
I don't count time. I never have.
Why count time anyway when it takes away so much from you?
And besides, the cynic in me is saying that it's only a year close to when you die.
Hmm, I miss being young and carefree and still believing in fairytales and prince charming and happy endings.




Fandom girl mode:
SHINee is really starting to grow on me.
A lot.
They're just so talented. Fantastic dancing and live singing.
And they're all pretty good looking too, young as they are.
They'll all grow up dashingly good looking really.
everytime I watch a live performance from them, I'm awed at the superb talent and how very young they are and how they have 10 more years ahead of them to just keep getting better.


And DBSK is really so much love.
I love watching them sing live cos they're just own the stage with their voices alone.
amazing singing.
it gives me goosebumps everytime.
guhh.
they're not as funny or hilarious or loser as SJ but they still make me happy. :)


And SJ.
they just need to get back together.
I miss them together.
No wonder Teukie's like so emo nowadays.
They're all over the place.
tsk.




I'm going on hiatus until my exams are over.
Good luck with me going cold turkey from all the kpop love.
And good luck to me for the backlogging (i hate backlogging)
Oh well, I can just ask my sis for everything. :)
It pays having a sister who is just as crazy as you about kpop boys. heh.

unsaid

It's really not nothing at all




Because I need you

Nothing at all

I don't know.
Should I be worried?


It's probably nothing at all.


If something happens.
If something happens to you


I just...I can't deal.

Robert Oxton Bolton once wrote, "A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind."

We have no time to stand and stare

I am utterly sad because I just realised I left my thumbdrive stuck to the USB port of one of the school's computers when I went to print out essays and practice papers yesterday.
Aaaarrrghhhh.
I hope its with the librarian.
If it's really lost, this is the second time in this year alone that I've lost my thumbdrive.
And this thumbdrive is even more valuable cos there's a whole load of stuff inside.
MSN convos, phone messages, GP stuff, Malay stuff, ALL MY FICS. oh god.
please please please let it still be there. :(


I was supposed to go to the airport just now to study but I changed my mind since I'm going to be having the whole house to myself.
My dad will be out to work soon and my mum and sis went jalan raya with my mum's side.
I was so tempted to go cos it's been so long since they hired a bus to go jalan raya but well, GP papers and Malay papers and Lit PC and History ASEAN is somehow more appealing. :)


Anyway, my DVD's only going to get posted on monday.
I'm psyched to get it but I'm not going to be watching it anyway.
At least not until after A's.
My sister freaked out when I told her she can't watch it until I've watched it since it's mine and that she'll have to wait until after Nov 24.
haha.

E.E. Cummings once wrote: 'To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'

run,baby,run, don't ever look back

It's getting really late but strangely, I'm still wide awake.
Maybe cos I just stopped studying at 12 plus.
Today is one of the most accomplished days I've had in a really long time.
I completed 5 Bahasa papers so cikgu can mark it for me and 2 themes of SEA.
I only have political structures to do tomorrow and I'm done re-consolidating for the thousandth time.
I swear I've got many sets of the same content from the lecture notes written in different forms.
It helps me remember. :)
And I've also completed consolidation of The Guide and DOM.
The plan is that after I'm done with the whole consolidation process, I'll have to go on intensive reinforcement of all the info to make sure it gets stuck in my head.
Next week is hectic though.
It's consultation week. >_<


Now that all that is over with,
I had a dream last night about someone from the past. (i think it's safe to count it as that)
The dream had that whole familiar air about it and even though some small part of me does miss you, I know it's unrealistic to think it'll ever get back to the way it was.
Life changes people, you included.
And life disillusions people, me included.
No regrets though. It was a good ride, excluding all the downsides.
I just hope that somewhere in the near future, you'll come to self-realisation and don't screw up your life.
But, by then, I don't think I'll be all that willing to welcome you back.
It'll be too late for that.
Time doesn't exactly heal everything.




I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year.
That much is true.
But I'm not regretting it, and I'm not going to ever look back.

Monday morning, rain is pouring...

it's raining really heavily.
I'm all dressed to go off to study at my usual spot at the airport but it's pouring.
I hope it stops soon.
If not, I'll have to contend with studying at home.


I'm really really glad that school is over.
Not because I can finally get time to do all my work but more of the fact that I'm so relieved at finally being able to get away from it all.
School has been really ergh and I have a strong aversion to it.
It ceased being my safe haven and really, I'm just so thankful it's over.
(I don't know why but I don't have a strong attachment to IJC as I did with TKG.
I think it maybe the people? the spirit? yeah. TK just wins hands down.)
As such, I'm only going to go back to IJ if I really need to because I can't bring myself to go back there and study or to interact socially anymore.
I think the only people that matter a lot to me now are my family and dilah.
And occasionally Haqi when he listens to my rants.
While we're on the topic, I hate it when people pretend that they understand me enough to know how I am as a person, what are my believes, what drives me.
Yes, it's easy reading me superficially but there's so much more underneath all the layers.
I just hate it when people pretend to know and I especially hate it when people make conclusions about me that are all wrong. (this applies to you btw)
If you haven't already realised, I don't show my true self in front of everyone and so what you see is NOT who I really am.
Also, I still think all your reasons are bullshit so much so that it's so ridiculous, even my sister laughed when I told her and my sister is 14 btw. -_-
Ergh.
Whatever it is, I'm just glad school is over.
:)


Hanchul and Jaechun is such love. really.
Their friendship is so best friend epic it hurts. :)
But god, Heechul is impossible to write. I can't get him right -that snarky and witty attitude he uses to cover up all his insecurities. and it's so frustrating.
I love my kpop boys. :)


Rain's stopped. Gotta go eat my lunch(roti kirai!) and then head off to the airport.

Super Show DVD

Super Junior - Super Show DVD
Price: $50
Date of Release: 30/09/2008
Concert Day : 2008 Feb 22th-24th
Region: All
Includes: 2 DVDs + Concert Photo Book + Poster
Running Time: Disc 1 - 73 minutes and Disk 2 - 114 Minutes
Disc 1: CONCERT Part 1
Disc 2: CONCERT Part 2 / Bonus - MAKING FILM
Subtitles: Korean, Japanese, Chinese


DISC ONE
01. Intro
02. Twins (Knock Out)
03. Rock This House
04. 돈 돈! (Don't Don)
05. 갈 증 (Remix)
06. 거 울
07. 멘트
08. 사랑이 떠나다 (She's Gone)
09. You're My Endless Love
10. Dancing Out (Rock ver.)
11. The Night Chicago Died
12. My Everything (동해)
13. 처음 느낌 그대로 (려욱, 규현)
14. 인형 (이특, 예성)
15. 걸음을 멈추고
16. 룩셈부르크 (희철, 시원, 성민, 강인)

DISC TWO
01. 로꾸거!!!
02. 첫 차
03. 나 같은건 없는 건가요
04. H.I.T - 히트
05. One love (은혁+K.R.Y)
06. 미워
07. 멘트
08. Marry U
09. Y.M.C.A
10. Wonder Boy
11. 퍼포먼스 (은혁, 동해, 신동, 한경)
12. 첫눈이 와
13. 멘트
14. 마지막 승부
15. U
16. 행복
17. 차근차근
18. 멘트
19. Believe
20. Final 멘트
21. 앵콜송 Miracle

BONUS - Making Film

I just placed an order for this.
Yes I know I must be crazy cos this will burn a hole right through my savings which I am suppose to use for other more noble purposes. >_<
Somebody just kill me now before I go and order other stuff like DBSK's mirotic album.
*dies*

the beauty of walking away

I'm starting to feel that I'm losing my zest for writing in this blog.
I'm considering of deleting this and just keeping my lj for fics and all that.
But I don't knowww, I love this blog and I've written close to three years worth of stuff here.
I'd hate to lose all that.
Hmm.


Rayer is coming so soon.
I'm not all that excited over it.
I'd like to think that it's just because of my A's around the corner and not because of that fact that I'm just getting more and more disillusioned as I get older.


I know for a fact that I'm keeping my distance, even from people who are around me most of the time.
I don't know what changed and I don't know if this is a conscious action on my part.
It probably is though and that realisation does not in anyway make me feel better about it.
I'm not proud of it, of distancing myself because its easier than feeling something.
This is me taking the whole running away thing to a whole other level.
I wonder how many people realise this.
The fact that I consciously choose to do so, on purpose.
It's not because I don't care anymore.
I just don't want to, I can't afford to, not when A's are so near.
I don't want to get distracted by drama, by other people's lives, by political tensions in friendships, by whatever else there is to distract me.
It's selfish, yes, but I value my grades too much.
It seems to be working in a way.
I've improved a lot of maths and malay and even gp.
And because of that, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm starting to see that A's is not that impossible after all and there is still a chance I'll get my As.
I wonder why only now that I have total unwavering faith. -_-




I'm going out with cinta tomorrow. :)
I miss you la. A bit.
Stupid A's. heh.


And DBSK's new MV is so much love.
omg. Jaejoong is freaking tied to a freaking wall. with ropes.
And I cannot get over his hot arms. gahh
And Yunho looks good with his new hair and he's been tanning and he looks so hot.
And max is looking good too.
even Junsu is baring some skin.
But I have no idea why Yoochun is all covered up. whyyyy.
sheesh.
I love their new song. heh. bias showing.
And my sister has also effectively turned me into a SHINee fan.
I got over the whole being older than them thing.
They're so cute and goofy and -_-.
and Key is crazy. literally crazy.
And Taemin is so cutely innocent he grew on me.
And Minho. Minho is so sighhh...That noona he went out with is so lucky. first date and he secretly buys a cake for her and gave her his book after telling her he's going to the toilet.
I want a guy to do that for me. :)
It's so not fair that they have like what, 10 years to go and SJ doesn't have that much time anymore. Ergh.




The ability to forget is to consciously know when and how to let go of the unpleasant past.

transcendence

and this time there is strength, this time there is faith

and even with the scars, this time there is control

and this time there is hope, this time there is spirit

and this time there is everything, this time there is nothing

and this time there is apathy, because promises disappoint

this time there is care, because trust is abused too often

and because there is you, this time there will be transcendence

this time, this is rising up from the darken depths too deep to fathom; that true torturous hell, that is a mere mind's creation

degradation; echoes,silence, patience and grace

and this is all that is left unsaid, this is all that is left said

and this deafening silence, it echoes.

and this is hurt, this is pain

and this is heart fissures and breaks, this is numbness and indifference; this is dead.

and this, this is degradation; this is echoes,silence, patience and this is grace.

and this is spiralling, this is freefalling, like an elevator cut loose at the top, like a bad star crashing down to earth; this is falling from grace

and this is that moment, this is on that threshold, this is on the edge of every precipice; this is reality.

and so i'll have you know I'm scared to death;
for this is degradation; this is echoes, silence, patience and this is grace



and happiness is but a fleeting thing and if given a choice, i'd take it, even if it wasn't real.


maybe I'm not as apathetic as I would like to believe.

tangled up in paper dreams

I've haven't been blogging for what seems like the longest time. Still, I'm not going to bother summarizing/recounting/story-telling what happened in my sadly non-existent life. So this post is going to be really random and super short. Because, the paper dreams are just calling and I really time does not afford me any luxuries right now.

1. I feel horrible because I completely forgot my mum's birthday was yesterday and I only remembered today when she asked if I want to go out and eat a later supper to celebrate. arrgh.
2. Apathy is serving me pretty well when it comes to various political systems in the friendship sphere. Or so I would like to think
3. I am getting increasingly better and a super pro at numbing myself. It helps in this hellish paper chase.
4. Apparently, stress and the big A's have reduced me to absolute lethargy.
5. I absolutely hate it when anyone tells me that I have the potential because my results are not showing it damn it.
6. Talking about my past flings/no strings attached(or so it seems)/casual as well as serious no shit relationships has made me even more increasingly convinced that I don't believe in true love.
7. Co-habiting is a strangely appealing idea but my parents will murder me and besides, I believe more in the sanctity of marriage.
8. 1 year, 1 month and 3 days and counting.
9. I want to watch fireworks light up the sky like diamond glass explosions.
10. I am so tempted to take Lit in uni but Ying will kill me and I will only end up killing my career prospects. Thus why psychology is starting to seem more appealing. but oh god, i'll have to do maths
11. I miss writing fics and sajaks and I have tons of ideas, scenes that I craft out in my head but I just don't have the time to write. ergh.
12. I cannot make such STUPID mistakes in Prelim 2 or the A'levels ever
13. I think, therefore I am. I hurt, therefore I am.
14. If I can say anything to you, I'd say; doushite, kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou
15. I want to learn how to fly without having to learn how to fall first
16. I want to watch the sunset from the beach and stargaze on the carpark rooftop.
17. I think that; happiness is too fleeting, trust is too abstract, faith is not tangible, love is overrated, loss hurts too much, death is but the next great adventure and life in general is too transient.
18. I can't wait for starbucks coffee with my moron tomorrow because I haven't had it in ages and because she's the person for now.

And that's all I have to say. Given the 89 days left to A's, I'm tapping into a single-minded focus state of mind and thus, I'm going to go on

HIATUS

and I'll only blog if I really really need to(which I doubt I will). Until my freedom starts, this is it for now.

So until then, keep your chin up and take care.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I spent the whole of Friday and Saturday sleeping or doing equally useless stuff.
Spent some time with the girls on Friday and we went for donuts which was nice and we should do that more often. whenever the hell we can find the time to that is
I went home and slept for less than 2 hours before my mum woke me up to go for ngaji and I actually teared when I was getting out of bed cos it actually hurt to even lift myself off the bed.
And then I cried some more in the toilet during my shower because it hurt every time I move and I was just so tired and all I really wanted to do was curl up under the covers and sleep.
After ngaji, I slept at around 1 plus and then I had to wake up early the next day for madrasah but I was still so tired and my eyes looked like shit.
After I finally dragged myself home, I slept all the way until 7 and then lazed around while waiting for dilah to come over because I haven't seen her in a month
we watched a video which hurt my stomach so badly with all the laughing at SJ's retarded moments.
And then we talked. With the lights off.
I love doing that. One of my most favourite things to do and I won't trade it in for anything because it's that precious to me.


Today was only half productive with the stupid migraine I'm having.
It's coffee withdrawal and yes, I'm that dependent on coffee.
Unfortunately, the coffee my mum bought at home is the regular kind which is really too weak and doesn't have any effect on me whatsover. erghh.


I'm half dreading school tomorrow because I really do not want to see my history marks and also because my super packed study timetable with ying and jia(?) is starting from tomorrow onwards.
the rough plan(which took me and ying 2 freaking hours to argue and decide on) is that we'll study everyday in school until 9.
Ying's coming up with the extremely detailed timetable because she is anal-retentive like that.
Saturdays are free days that we're supposed to use to study and internalise the stuff we've already mindmapped. etc
Sunday is for meeting up to do 5-6 hours of papers with jia, either at my house or Singpost.
Technically, I will have absolutely no social life to speak off.
Except weekly saturday nights when dilah crashes.
But then again, she's technically the only one I still bother to see and interact with outside of the people in school.
(aren't you just so honured?)


With my timetable, it seems like I'll have no time whatsoever to date Haqi for the god knows how many lunch/dinner dates I owe him.
And I haven't seen or heard from him in ages.
It's like he dropped off the face of the planet. or maybe I'm just too busy to notice that he's still there, like always. >_<
And I've got no time to date Fan either.
Although I really want that meal he owes me cos I paid for the last one a few weeks back.
Besides, he grates on my nerves sometimes and that's not good.




Random: I'm totally in love with DBSK's new jap single. Technically it's been leaked like 2 months ago or something but I never bothered to go find it. Anyway, I'm super happy that they're coming back soon! and Big Bang too!
Battle should really go do their album like now. And SJ is just....I'll settle for them being back together as a united force before I pray for any albums.
Even more random: Jaejoong's voice is such love! Really really. I can just fall in love with him because of his voice. but sue will kill me if I say I love him the best. I want a guy who has a voice like jaejoong, looks like Donghae, has abs like Taehwa/Taeyang and has suave charm and charisma like Hankyung/Siwon.
I dream to much. -_-.

I'm scared to death

I just had what can possibly be termed as the most horrible scare in my life.
My mum got a msg from my dad that said that my aunt already gave birth to a baby boy.
And then somehow or other, my mum read the remainder of the msg (which asked the receivers to read Al Fathehah without mentioning that it's Fathehah syukur.) and came to the conclusion that
both my aunt and the baby passed away.
I just went numb by the time she passed the phone to me to read the msg for myself.
(Cos from her reaction, I already had the impression that all things bad happened)
And my mum just panicked even worse because my dad won't answer the phone, which only had the effect of making me feel even worse.
And she didn't help by bombarding me with panicked expressions and such.
Finally, she called my uncle and asked if my aunt gave birth and if the baby passed away and my uncle got a huge shock because the baby and my aunt are both fine.
-_-
I'm so relieved.
For a while there, I was bargaining and praying and trying to find some shred of reassurance and it just hit me how I really take so much for granted even though I try really hard not to.
Well, whatever it is, I'm just glad and happy that both my aunt and her baby are okay.
Probably going to visit tomorrow. :)


Other than that, my day today has been filled with pleasant surprises and rude shocks.
The pleasant surprise came in the form of my Lit Paper 1 PC which I got 17 for and I went "Huh" when I got the paper back because I know I misread one of the poems and only realised it half way through my 2nd page and I just somehow crapped a bit to salvage the situation.
So needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised that I got quite high for it given the facts of my mistakes.
As compared to that, MLL was a rude wake up call.
My sastera paper was disastrous.
I expected to not do well for the Karangan cos I did narrative and I expected to get what I did for Bahasa Paper.
But sastera just failed me.
It pulled my grades all the way down to a U.
yeah. I got a freaking U for freaking Malay.
sigh.
I was totally in shock that I couldn't pay attention when cikgu was going through the answers.
But, I've put it behind me for now because I know I can't afford to let it affect me.
And I just have to make sure I don't make stupid mistakes during the paper again because I can't afford that risk.
Anyway, like I was telling my friends, my NIE back up plan is starting to seem like a tangible reality if my grades continue at the rate they are.


Okay, that's all I have to say for now because GP is calling my name.
Oh ya, my cats are -_-.
I've seen them mating like twice already and it seems like over the past few days, witness sightings (my mum and sis) have seen them at it a few times already.
-_-

And everything about you is so beautidamnful

I'm on a Battle and Big Bang high right now.
Possibly because their songs are really such love!
And they get so addictive and they've all I've been listening to these past few weeks.
Oh and Sue passed me her HOT and With U album!!
Which simply equals more to Big Bang and Taeyang love. :)
Needless to say, I've been neglecting DBSK.
Not so much of Suju because my sister is currently super addicted to them and thus I have intense SJ discussions with her almost daily.
And besides, I'm still very much involved in the fandom although I haven't been keeping up so much with my writings.
Anyway, since I'm super bored, I'll do a mini pic spam of Battle and Big Bang. :)

Big Bang!

And Taeyang!

Battle!

And Taehwa!

And because Taeyang's abs was featured before, I thought Taehwa's abs deserve some attention too. :)
It's just too bad that Donghae is so freaking skinny that he is almost just bones.

Sleep. Sleep is good

I'm so sleepy that I'm in a state of brain comatose or something like that.
The cup of coffee I just drank doesn't seem to be working.
I don't think it's very good if I suddenly get immune to coffee because it's a huge part of my diet and I'm too addicted to it.
Well at least I only drank 2 cups instead of the normal 3 or 4 today.
And I had 3 proper meals instead of just coffee and some other munchies or nothing else.
I'm really need to continue mindmapping my history stuff but I can't seem to stay awake so I'm just going to go off and sleep.
Hopefully I can wake up a bit earlier and then meet Ying to study at Singpost.
Singpost. been ages since I went there.


I can't remember what else to say.
I'm intrigued by Greek philosophers but taking philosophy is a little dangerous for me because I know I'll think about it all too hard.


Taeyang is love. All of him. Really. Like who doesn't love him?
And "Unfadeable GD stun'em" and TOP's "so we can do those kinda things fantastic.
And Battle and all of Taehwa is love too.
"I love you never let me go." and Chris's "Everybody just get down neol wonhaneun nae mam dagaga slow down" and Ryu's "Saranghagoshipo flow with me"
And there should be more Donghae love in the world because everyone loves Donghae and I miss him and China should give him back to me like right now.


And I love goong because it's funny and I don't care that I only watch 10 minutes of 1 hour a day and I'm super slow cos there's so many other things to watch like Absolute Boyfriend which I really really want to watch because Night in the manga is super love and :)


I'm rambling. I'm sleepy and tired and I want to just drop dead now.


Did you know that Al-Ghazali wrote "the incoherence of the philosophers" to counter ibn Sina and then ibn Rushd countered his book with "the incoherence of the incoherence."?
I just learned that this morning and it half-amuses me.
The incoherence of the incoherence.
Like ADD Donghae and fail Eunhyuk and -_- Eeteuk's jokes.

"Until the end of forever."
"But there's no end to forever."
"Exactly."


If you can't see it, how sure are you that it's still there?
Like if you can't see love, how do you know it's still there?

Because I know this won't last

I had one of those rare good days where I just feel happy and content and at peace.
Its strange though because I was late for the Malay paper and I almost missed it totally which will be bad because I'm kind of banking on Malay to make up for my other sorry results.
And I did the narrative for karangan which I am NOT supposed to do because it's too risky but I was forced to as I totally blanked when I saw the other questions and I couldn't remember what the stupid definitions were.
Oh and I think the fact that someone, a super junior fan, bless her, actually stuck thumbtacks on the notice board in their initials and that somehow made me happy cos I'm just weird like that.
And Ying makes me happy too because I think she's the only one that lets me insult them really horribly and still give me nice hugs after that.
And she makes me happy because she's my study partner. :)
And sitting at the back of the Woodlands MRT station with Ramly burger and you tiao made me happy too because it just brings back all the memories and its nice to remember them.
And listening to Big Bang's Baby Baby and Youngbae and Battle over and over again makes me happy too. I desperately wanna go see YB's concert on the 20th but yeah right I can fly to Korea and back again to go see it.
Tvants offer some form of live coverage or something.


I'm only starting to feel slightly nostalgic now.
For some strange reason.
I miss TK really.
probably because I just saw pictures of my former niners and I'm just struck by how much we've all changed.
I miss my niners and oh, Gerry and her stories and bitching with her and B and Abby during social studies and writing stupid stories that don't make sense and gushing and fighting over Torres and telling Renee she's crazy for loving Steven Tyler to death.
The only time I ever talked to her this year was during that time Mdm C treated us to Swensen's and she was there but we couldn't really talk much because after a while, you just run out of things to say.


And I'm missing UK again.
So badly. ergh.
I wanna stare out the bus window at all the fluffy sheep and the green pastures and the valleys and the hills.
I wanna run to BK's without a winter coat and proper shoes again.
I wanna walk down the streets of London and sing that song again.
I wanna go into old and random bookstores that are cramped with books and sit there and choose books all day.
I wanna go shopping at Marks and Spencer and spend 45 minutes deciding whether Tuna bread or Egg and Watercress sandwich sounds better.
I wanna ride the Tube again and get lost in the London Underground.
I wanna play with the frost on the grass and see a rainbow at Covent Garden one more time.
And of course, I wanna cook maggi mee on Sue's hotplate and boil potatoes and have a slumber party again.
I just want to go back there and relive everything again because I feel that I didn't pay as much attention as I should have.
Dilah, you are so going there with me one day because I wanna share that amazing shit with you and then we can tour Europe and take the train to Paris and Rome and gahhh.


I'm also probably feeling nostalgic because today's the 26th of June.
One year already.
I didn't even realise until I was writing the date down on the exam paper.
I'm not thinking about it or dwelling on it because I'm not going to put myself through that.




Other than that, things have been going pretty okay-ish.
I've been writing more and getting more ideas and all the comments I've gotten really makes me feel so ...... it's hard to explain the joys of writing.
And I feel so touched that all the people who read my fics don't even technically know me and we've never met but their approval and their comments means so much to me already.
And dilah love, thank you very much for making my day. (and to a large extent, my week too)
because you have no idea how much what you said means to me.
Like way more than you can imagine.


My sister just asked me for the link to read my fics too and I feel strangely touched and honoured at the same time because I think her poems are wonderful and her approval and comments means just as much to me too.


I guess the one thing I love most about writing is the fact that I know no matter what happens, no matter what people take away from me or no matter how hard they break me, they're never going to be able to take that away from me.
And that's one reason why I live.


I've talked too much already.
I haven't even started my SEA mindmaps and Ying will murder me if I don't at least get started and complete one or two.


I need to remind myself to enjoy this while it lasts because I know it'll never last.
Life isn't built that way and happiness is a fleeting thing.

Drained

I am so extremely exhausted mentally and physically.
I got home close to 11 because I was studying in school.
Me and Ying were working our asses off for the paper tomorrow.
I actually finished colour coding Tempest early but I helped Ying colour code her DOM and now my head is spinning with all sorts of freaking colour schemes and lines and random quotes.
We stayed until 9 plus because the uncle that normally closes the school didn't come to shoo us out and even though me and Ivan tried telling Ying that staying in school overnight is not so bad after all cos we'll get the whole canteen to ourselves, she decided to rush us off anyway cos we still needed to run to the photocopiers to zap copies of DOM mindmaps for me to read through for tomorrow.
I swear if I don't get at least a C I will either kill myself or quit school or do something equally drastic because I just dedicated 10 freaking hours colour coding and helping Ying mindmap language and Ferdinand and Cardinal.
Besides, I already know that my history is pretty much a gone case.
Suffice to say, the paper on monday was one of the worst papers I've ever sat for in my life, inclusive of all the maths papers.
There was no time.
And I already lost 25 marks because I only wrote 5 lines for an essay that is meant to be at least 2 and a half pages long.
Oh well, at least I'll have mindmaps all ready for A's. :)


Sidenote: My sister has Donghae as her msn display pic!!!
And Donghae's her favourite and she showed EHB to two other friends and now they like Hae too and I am not happy because now I have to share him! hrmph.
The only good thing about her obsession with EHB is the fact that she's slowly infecting her whole class with Super Junior germs. o.0


I'm going off, need to get my cup of coffee so I can stay up all night and indulge in literature.
*shudders*

Happiness is a state of mind

I've already decided that I'm going to screw the history paper on monday
I'm actually more concerned with mindmapping the rest of my notes and colourcoding my book.
Besides, I really don't think I can memorise everything in time by tomorrow night.
sigh.
History just kills me. over and over again like some bad dream.
I have no idea why I even bothered to take anything other than lit(in malay or english)
Oh yeah. Because my mind cannot stand to take in anything logical and theoretical such as Econs.
I was struggling a little with all the shits I just don't get when we did the Global economy for history.


I'm not even showing any signs of panic or stress or anything of that sort.
I think the only thing betraying the fact that I'm in anyway affected by all this pressure is the fact that I haven't eaten anything proper or in the right amounts in 3 days and I don't feel hungry at all.
It's like whenever I do eat something, I'll get really nauseas and feel like throwing it all up into the toilet bowl.
And also the fact that I get tired and sleepy but when I get into bed and the lights are off, I don't sleep until its early morning and I have to get up in a few hours.
Other than that, I'm still happily spending my day reading fics and writing some bits and pieces and trying to study all the times in between.
I've already decided that I'm not sleeping today cos my Mum brought real Nescafe and it's so potent I love it and I can stay up much better. :)
So at 12, I'm swearing off the internet and the computer in general so as to better facilitate the colour coding of my Tempest book and then start mindmapping a bit of SEA before I meet Ying and then start trying to cram all the hideous facts of the Cold War and other such things into my head.




I'm currently using the laptop while slumped against a wall beside my sister's bed because she's back from JB and I miss her. Kind of.
She's watchign Gossip Girl and EHB!! while waiting for Gossip Girl to load.
She keeps laughing her head off and everytime I look over at her and see the screen showing some hilarious or ridiculous SJ scene, I laugh along cos it's so funny and it makes me happy.
Oh and she made me really insanely happy again when she came home this evening.
The first thing she did was to open my room door, and ask me if I've got any Super Junior or DBSK albums because her friend wants to listen to them.
:) :) :)
I remember staring at her for a full minute before gushing off in a string of probably incoherent questions.
She says she loves watching EHB but she'll never ever for as long as she lives, listen to any songs that she can't understand.
But her friend is starting to get into SJ and DBSK and :)
I've decided to help her along by giving her a list of videos to watch cos that girl has already watched the whole lot of EHB.
sial. That's fast. I took so much longer. >_<
I'm still not sure how to tell her exactly where to begin because 1 thing is Super Junior is already a huge group to begin with and they have loads of variety shows that are hilarious to watch.
And I want to instill Big Bang and Battle love in her too but I'm worried that it's a bit of an overkill.
But I think the girl can stomach it, cos she already has a couple of Super Junior songs in her phone (my sis told me) 0.o
Though I should probably warn her that Kpop and all its fandoms can probably kill her and steal away all her available time and make her slightly insane cos she'll be laughing in front of the computer and sometimes crying too.
I think at the rate she's going though I can force her into the SJ fic fandom cos she seems to be getting through videos pretty fast.


Whoa. That was a whole load of stuff on Kpop. Sorry readers. >_<
I just can't help it cos it makes me so happy.
I don't get why no one else except Sue gets it. Oh and maybe Dilah does to.
And my sister and her friend.
Oh, I already made my new year's resolution for next year.
I'm going to try get into the Jpop scene as well as immerse myself completely in fandoms.
:)

The things we do

It's almost 1 in the morning.
My room's still a mess cos I was cleaning it and now there's stuff strewn all over the floor.
And I'm hungry. I haven't eaten anything since KFC with Shaf but there is absolutely nothing to eat.
:(


I had a semi-fulfilling day.
Went to school for history consultation and Mr Mahmood was impressed with our mindmaps and he wants a copy. lol.
I spent the next 2 hours photocopying stuff for him and fiqa in the library before heading off home to nap.
I haven't done anything much after I woke up at 8 other than clean my room and write another fic in between the breaks.
I'm too tired and exhausted from all the late nights and lack of proper sleep to study right now.
My brain feels fried and I think my brain cells are dead or something.


Hmm, I have ideas for 10 other fics but I don't think I'll have time to write them all.
Maybe I can finish one or two more in between my study breaks tomorrow.
I'm just glad for once that I can control and rewrite something even though its purely fiction.

Echoes from the past

I had a very fulfilling day.
Managed to complete mindmapping another history book and colour code the whole of DOM.
All in under 6 hours. :)
Although I think studying in an air-con room for a long time has given me permanent sinus or something and its starting to get annoying because I never had it before! sheesh.


Then I met shaf for a late lunch/dinner.
To be honest, it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be.
We fell back into the same fluid flow of conversation just like always,
trying to fill in the gaps from all the time.
We just skirted around things that are meant to be left unsaid and I'm okay with it.
I had a good time because I really miss moments like that when it was just me and her talking endlessly over random nonsense.
If only everything else would be this easy.




I really really really hate how you keep popping up out of the blue without any warning whatsoever.
It's disconcerting, its disturbing and I just plain hate it.
Just stop.

Holding back the tears

I'm living with my tears
mugeopji anhge naui maeumeul maego georeoyo
gakkapjianhgo meolji anhgeun gose
dareun naega seoittjyo ulji anhayo nan..

I'm holding back the tears
gabyeopji anhge naui mideumeul maego ddwieoyo
nopjido anhgo natjianheun gose
ddo dareun naega seoittjyo
jageun misoro nan useulsuitjyo...
-DBSK, Holding Back The Tears

~
I'm living with my tears
I walk
Trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry...

I'm holding back the tears
I run
Adding to the weight of my faith
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a small smile, I can laugh...

I've been playing it on repeat for a while now.
Just because.
It mirrors how I feel right now.
I think I'll go crazy if I don't study because then I'll be faced with having to deal
with emotions I'd rather not deal with ever.
I can't figure out if I'm doing this because I really want to do well or because I just need something to occupy me so I won't crack.
I just can't figure it out.
I really want to curl under a blanket.
I really want someone to hold me until I crack so that I can cry on their shoulders.
So that I can get this out of me cos it's driving me crazy.
It hurts to breathe.
And it fucking hurts even more to want nothing yet everything at the same time.

400 :)

It's my 400th post. :)
I'm not going to post some celebratory thingy or anything like that.
Truly, I don't really have much to say except that Fandom is making me insanely happy and my sister made me insanely happy just now too!
She casually told me that she's currently watching EHB which I transfered to her comp.
And she says she thinks SJ are all cute in their own way and she likes Donghae and Siwon and Kibum too! :)
I love spreading any kpop love.
First Dilah with Taeyang and now my sister with Suju!
Heh. I feel accomplished.
Although I know my sister will probably never in her life listen to anything korean but no matter, she's watching EHB!! ^__^




I'm meeting you hopefully on thursday.
I'm looking forward to it because I miss you. Really.

Context is all

I'm down with a fever. Again.
That makes it twice in less than 2 weeks and thus why I didn't go for History this morning.
Other than the fact that I'm sick, I accidentally fell asleep at the study table at 5.30 in the morning when I was supposed to have already gone out of the house. -_-
Well whatever it is, I think studying overnight is really working well for me.
Most of the time, I study 2 hours straight before taking a short break where I'll either watch another installment of Princess Hours or continue writing another fic I've started.
Speaking of which, I posted 3 fics up on the Super Junior fic community and I've gotten really encouraging comments. :)
I'm happy and extremely satisfied because I've managed to actually write some quality fics.
And I feel damn accomplished too.
What with Sue's mega TOP collage and all the fics I'm writing and all the studying I'm getting done.
It makes me feel oddly comforted somehow

Very random people have made me smile this week.
Especially those who I've not seen in a really long time because of some falling out or other.
I miss the old times and in a way, I'm kinda happy that it's starting to fall back into something I can understand and grapple with.
Although, I'm still a little afraid of meeting up.
because I'm scared of all the awkward silences and I'm scared that I have no idea what to say.
But like what Dilah said, it's better to just let it out in the open then keep it all in because who knows what might happen tomorrow and you'll end up living with regrets the rest of your life.

Randomly, this is why I really love and adore Aiden Lee Donghae.
I took it out of Meitachi's LJ. Its translated from the 50 questions fans asked him back in 2006.
I only took out a few.
He makes me smile. :)

4. What is love: When it comes, it’s easy. But when it leaves, it’s like dying.
5. What’s the most important characteristic of your significant other: As long as I like them, it doesn’t matter.
18. What are the pros of dating: Always wearing a smile on your face
19. What are the cons of dating: You need to use love to embrace shortcomings
20. First love: My parents.
24. Someone you’ve loved since you first saw them: Mom
25. Love or friendship: Both are very important
27. When do you most miss people you love: Right now
28. What would you do for your girlfriend on your 100th day anniversary: Sing
35. What would you name your future children: Namhae (South Sea), Seohae (West Sea) haha
36. Where do you want to study abroad: Oh, Disneyworld.
40. Rate yourself: People all have incomparable charm..
49. Say something to someone who truly likes you: Let’s kiss, sweetheart!
50. After fifty questions, do you have any question to add: Do you like me?