Remember the pain and stay with it

Have you ever wondered why relationships just fall apart?

I mean you could have something really special with someone. Something only both of you share.

The depth of which noone else will understand.

And i suppose that's when your relationship points are a 100%, rather like in Sims.

But then again, what went wrong?

The solution is simple really.

More often than not, we all forget this common enemy we all have - Time.

There's this saying by Stephen King: "Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

So my point is: "Time takes it all whether we want it to or not."

Because of time, even the closest of relationships fall apart and disintegrate and thus "in the end there is only darkness"

And why is this so?

we humans, fail to realise that it matters not how much time you spend together. Friendship and especially love, is not defined in that way.

Just because you stay together with someone, doesn't mean that your relationship with said person is going well.

What is more important is the substance. What is the point of being in constant company with each other but substance, the most important ingredient of any relationship is reduced to taking about guys and their various distinctive antomies?

My point is, take the time to tell each other about ordinary things for even ordinary things can turn extraordinary.

And if you keep on searching for things to talk about, as in wonder what to talk about, you will never find it.

Don't search for it. Let it come naturally.

If you force something to occur, it is not sincere.

That unfortunately is a lesson we all have to learn.

So to all those whose relationships are rocky or fading away, take steps to get it back.

Before it fades away and is gone forever.

regretting then is pointless.

So before it slips through your fingers, snatch it safely and hold on.

Just imagine that person whose realtionship you have with supposedly dies tomorrow.

What would you feel?

Do you feel that pain?

that horrible pain that claws at your insides and tears you up inside.

now, stay with the pain.

someone once told me that pain is good if you learn to use it to your own advantage.

Why let something control you?

Are we staying with the pain?

good.

imagine the regret you feel. if only you had taken steps to ensure that your relationship never slipped away.

but then it'll be too late right?

so my point is, if you ever doubt a relationship or most importantly a friendship, remember that pain and stay with it.

It'll help you remember what you will stand to lose cos fact is, in life,nothing lasts forever and you never know when it may be taken away from you.

wow. i sound so deep.

hmm, i hope i've made things for those in question.

trust me, you do NOT want to learn it the hard way like me.

toodles loves.

and a shoutout to one special person : Muhammad Baihaqi Ilham Bin Muhammad Wan Hakim.

Bie, i love you.

good night stars.

Never say goodbye

God. I am so dead tired.

Got home an hour or so ago.

watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna with shaf just now.

i know, i know, comin from me, that's just bizarre seeing as how i dislike watching tear-jerking and over-emotional hindi movies.

BUT

i must say that it was a nice experience.

i had quite an enjoyable time.

the movie was a delicate balance of the humourous and the tragic.

needless to say, by the end of the movie, an entire packet of tissues was gone and both of us looked like we just broke up with our boyfriends (touchwood) with me looking worse and that was 'cos i was crying non-stop through half of the movie.

honestly, i surprised even myself.

i never realised that i actually had that many tears to spill.

my stance on hindi movies now?

well, they're not so bad really. other than the disturbing fact that all the plots are typicallly similar and very predictable, it provides good entertainment nonetheless.

well,it looks as though i'll be adding Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna to my (surprisingly growing) list of movies that make me cry like someone just died.

Movies that make my list?

The all ever classic Titanic. I mean seriously who doesn't cry?

And i will never forget A Walk To Remember. (god that was lame)

And the one movie that really made me cry, using up a whole box of tissues,was The Notebook.

(my mum thought i had gone mad)

Anyway, to you:

I have an idea!

and don't worry, it's a brilliant one. :)

whipped potato.

*licks lips*

we should try one day aightz?

So to all the people out there, never say goodbye.

Night.

Chasing cars just to waste time

Goodness. People around me are breaking down left right and centre

I think it's the exams.

Had a long talk with one of them just now (i'm not going to mention who so she won't get embarassed)

and the things she told me about what they did to her made me cry.

actually, wat she told me made me cry.

leave. leaving. left.

And i just kinda realised that i'm pretty good at reading people.

the benefits of being a pure lit student?

it's come in very handy.

i'd rather like to think i'm an empath?

i mean not to boast or anything but sometimes it amazes even me when random strangers that i hardly talk to come up to me and pour their heart out.

now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind. i love listening and my own experiences with the counsellor has thought me how to read in between the lines and think positively and be glass half-full.

and now,that's truly important in life.

maybe counselling isn't such a bad path to choose after all.

hmm.

am talking to my darling shasha now.

she's feeding me a lot of insights to being an 18 year old. wait. or is it 19?

god, some friend i am not even knowing her age

and damn she said i should have sent in that story i wrote.

about it.

she insists that i would have made it quite far.

oh well, i might just try sending it in just for the sake of it.

no harm right?

hey. guess what.

I'm thinking of you.

love.

Goodnight world. and always remember there's always a star in you.

It's just like any other day

Once again, i'm sitting in the same old chair in the good old library and typing this.

I know i haven't updated in a long time so here i go.

So much has been happening what with the national day hols. and all that

but then it's all cool. :)

oh, shaf's asking me right now why i look so serious like almost constipated.

hmm, maybe cos i'm missing you.

you with that charming smile and the way you look at me like you never EVER want to blink.

maybe, we shall meet up sometime this week?

was gonna ask you over yesterday but the elders were home so since i value my head as well as your gorgeous one, i decided to not take the risk.

sigh.

-where are you when i'm high?-

krap. we're supposed to be studying our butts off.

lit test tomorrow on the stupid english teacher.

honestly, it is the most boring and depressing book i have ever had the misfortune to have read.

i swear i am going to burn it to hell once O's is over. and good riddance.

oh yeah, i realised that i'm good at lecturing people.

shaf got a full 10 mins just now.

i love lecturing. in a sick sadistic kinda way.

maybe i should be a lecturer?

hmm.

interesting thought.

oh yes. before it slips my mind,

chocolate sauce is the most sinful thing ever.

.grins.

goodbye love.

Band aid covers the bullet hole

Life is simple. It's us who make it complicated.

Just like how i was scared to talk to you and make the first move because i thought you hated me.

and somehow, you thought the same thing too.

silly huh?

and that was why it dragged on so long, battering and sapping all the energy out from both you and me.

"You're not the only one battered in this."

it felt good being with you.

like nothing ever happened.

nothing to signal that forever was only up until the point i walked away.

As i'm typing this, i'm smiling.

it felt good to hear someone especially you calling me fee again.

you know, i can't remember the last time we hugged.

cos the fact is, you never bother to remember the last time because you always take it for granted that there's gonna be other times.

but we all fail to realise that in life, nothing last forever and you can never ever take anything for granted. because you may never know when it's gonna be taken away from you.

Its the little things i guess that acts as a band aid and cover the bullet hole.

both for you and me.

Looking out the window

As I'm sitting here typing this, my muscles are aching like mad.

the effects of napha. thank god it's almost over.

i only have to retake 2.4 and standing broad jump.

today was a very dreary day.

skipped school again but not on purpose.

something happened that i'd just rather not talk about.

Sent Kiara for her vaccination just now.

it amazes me how pets even have their own hospital and all that.

Kinda cool come to think about it.

The operation room was bitterly cold and goddamn sterile.

it just gives you a very foreboding feeling.

just goes to show that once you see someone dying on an operating table, you'll never ever forget it.

moving on, have you ever gotten that feeling like you're watching the world through someone else's eyes?

its this odd feeling of detachment and oddly mixed with a twinge of pain.

it's like looking out a window but you can't see anything distinct.

i hate getting that feeling.

it always hits when i least expect it. especially when i let my guard down.

especially when i'm thinking of past memories and reflect on all the people i've ever met.

hmm, wonder why.

maybe god is trying to tell me something?

i honestly have no idea.

oh yeah, i got a message from abg wan.

something about mars being the brightest in the sky or something or that sort.

supposedly, at 12.30 am on the 27th of august, mars will be the closest ever to earth that it'll be like the earth having 2 moons.

and supposedly the next time mars ever gets that close is in 2287.

so i guess we'll just see if that happens on the 27th.

A question, if someone from your past that you'd rather forget gets himself landed in the hospital, would you go visit him?

even if you know it'll bring back painful memories and reopen healed wounds?

that's the question i'm currently asking myself about you.

have no idea why in the world your brother called me when he easily could have called a thousand other people.

somehow i can't help marvelling at your stupidity. go and get yourself beaten up again.

it's just so typical of you.

always one to court danger, take risks.

whenever are you going to learn your lesson?

i hope you do.

all i can do for you is just wish you all the best and have a speedy recovery.

if i do visit you which there's a very slim chance i will, don't expect me to kiss you like i used to and heal all your wounds and mop up your blood or something like that.

those days are over.

i've moved on and apparently so have you.

oh yes before i forget, i'm about done with tolerating your nonsense.

aren't you happy now that you've got your dearest best friend back again?

that you two are now the bestest of friends?

i still remember how you used to go on and on and on about her.

it's like never-ending.

day in and out, i and a hell lot of other people had to bear with all the hatred you poured out like a waterfall that will never cease.

but now, wow, you rush to her defence like a mother cat protecting her kittens.

why am i not surprised?

you know like the malay saying "kacang lupakan kulit"

you are really something that same saying can be truly proud of.

so much for all the rubbish you uttered.

oh well, for people like you, i've got absolutely no problem in letting you go.

people like you can be found everywhere. after all, the world is never short of hypocrites.

and unfortunately, you just happen to the the crux of hypocrisy.

it's okay. i know for a fact that none day, you'll get yours.

karma darling.

what goes around comes around.

Just the best I ever had

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so I

Run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't need me back

You're just the best I ever had

I can say now that it doesn't quite hurt so much.

it still does and i still get dat twinge everytym we exchange words or everytym i hear u laugh.

but its better now.

a little bit better at least.

it's still raw, still bleeding bt it's learning to heal.

i think without my mum and kak ann and shasha and abg wan and all, i won't survive.

the thing i hate most is not the empty void i feel, its the fact that so many goddamn things remind me of u.

even i remind me of u...its like everytime i look in2 e mirror, i see u staring ryt back out at me.
dat just makes it all dat more harder 2 forget.

oh well, lets jus take it slow shall we?

go with the flow.

time needs to heal all the wounds.

be it mine or urs.

ah fuck it, i miss u. i miss u so.

aniwae,

On a lighter note, i finally got a kitty!!

we named her kiara.

she's abt 2 months old.

she's all white wif a couple of grey patches.

got her at an adoption centre at punggol.

:)

oh yeah, now then ppl want to go gaga over ashley parker angel.

i got dat song 2 months ago. haha

dat jus shows how fast the human mind works.

n i finally decided wat 2 revamp my rm as...

trouble is i need sumone hu can help me paint a mural on e wall...hmm.

if things were the same, i wld have asked you.

Dats all from me 2dae..

gdnite stars. gdnite moon.

sweet dreams my love.

It's all out in the open

I cried again when you msg-ed yest.

just like all those times i cried at night. over u. over all of u.

i guess it's time to let it all out.

no good keeping it in.

i guess it's like wat u said, it was like any normal fight bt den it changed when i walked out.

when i blew up and left.

if i had the power to redo that day i would.

i'd sit there and take it like a true man and not flee like the coward that i am.

but i don't have that kind of power.

i cant undo wat's already been done.

i can't take back what i did and somehow, i wished you'd understand that.

i guess wen u said me walking away was wat put u off, i realised i have no else but myself to blame.

i accept full responsibility of wat happened cos i know i was in the wrong.

but somehow, i thot that by now, u'd see that maybe, just maybe both of us were wrong.

i was wrong because i chose to walk away instead of taking it.

i was wrong because i hurt u 2 much for so long u just cant take it anymore.

i was wrong because i took 2 much out of u, like a dementor, sucking the life slowly out of you.

but then, its not fair if i jus con't blaming myself for everything.

wat i mean is dat until now, i cant understand why for 2 whole months, 2 months u all left. jus silence.

why did u choose to jus let it be for 2 whole months wen maybe you could have i dunno, salvaged it or sth.

those 2 months were hell for me. did u noe i cried every night? did u noe how much i miss u?

ur hugs, ur comfort.

ur prescence.

maybe its true wat u said, maybe to you, i seem fake now.

maybe i was trying to prove to hard to you dat i can make it on my own without you.

dat i can literally live without you.

dat i'm stronger than u think i am.

dat i can pick myself up and not keep relying on you.

i guess yes. the truth is yes. i was tyring to prove all these to you.

ironically, i realise that prove isn't wat u wanted to see.

u never needed me to prove it did u?

no. u wanted to see something more.

u wanted to make me realise that i can make it on my own. dat i can pull myself up.

dat i'm strong. just like wat u always tell me.

god, if i can change time, i'd take it all back.

but i can't. and i'm accepting that.

i'm accepting that all those times, are gone.

remember that book we wrote in?

i smile everytime i read it.

just remembering the old times.

and wondering how fast life can change.

how we all wanted things to be e same always and never change.

how we all swear by the stars and the moon that we'd still be best friends even when we're 85 and rotting.

how we held on to so many dreams. dreams we'd build together.

but reality always gets in the way.

maybe things are meant to be this way.

maybe forever is just up till that time i walked away.

it's so funi how i keep saying i've moved on.

in a way yes. i've moved on with my life.

made new friends, tried not to hang on so much.

but now, i realised that a small part of me will always stay.

dat small part of me will never let go of the hope that maybe someday, i can make it up 2 u. 2 all of u.

i noe it's veri silly of me to still hope wen its pretty obvious e ride's over.

bt i cant help it.

u wonder y i keep looking over at you.

truth is, im a litte envious. just cos others get to have that fun wif u that i noe if i hadnt been so dumb, i might have with you.

haha..maybe a little envious is an understatement.

do u noe sometimes, wen i reali got nth else to do, i'd think back on all those memories we collected over the years.

its nice to know we had good times. lots of good times.

lastly, i just wanna thank you.

for all the good times and for everything.

remember how i used to say i love you more than the stars in sky?

dat small part of me that still hopes still love u in e same way and i'll never forget.

i'll never forget how lucky i am to have god grace me with people like you.

u've left an impact in my life and trust me, no matter how hard i try, i will never ever forget how gracious two best friends and 3 close friends were to me.

It's the things you say that make me smile

It's almost 12 and i'm sitting here blogging.

The week's been good.

full of little things that people say to me that just make me smile.

"Girl, i'm proud of you.I always knew you could do it."

"You're my precious and I'm your SNAG."

"Hey, there's something about the way your eyelashes frame your eyes."

"Hey, you're gorgeous in real life."

Lolz. I love the people in my life now.

they just somehow know how to make me smile and most importantly laugh.

i realised that my life used to be so devoid of laughter.

maybe that's one of the reasons we fell apart.

Moving on,

i'm missing quite a couple of people.

firstly i miss u. i miss ur kisses and u kissing my forehead and telling me it's all going to be ok just cos i have you.

i miss you messing up my hair and swinging me around.

i miss you singing yellow to me under the purrdy stars.

i miss the way you look at me, like you never want to blink

it's been months and suddenly i remember you again and it kinda hurts.

hope ur hapi with huever u're with. I'll always love you just cos that's a promise i made to you.

Secondly, i miss my SNAG. I miss ur smiles and u batting ur eyelashes at me jus cos u noe it'll make me smile.

i miss playing with your pinky fingers and the way you lick whipped cream of your lips in a failed attempt to turn me on.

i miss laughing my ass off with you and krapping about everything under the sun.

lolz, ur truly my SNAG. miss u even though its onli been 2 days since i last saw you.

and you ass. now u cant make it 2 drama nite. u owe me a date and u had better not forget it!

and lastly. I miss u. all of u.

no matter how hard i deny it, i do miss u.

i miss ur hugs and krapping with u.

i miss outings in town with u.

i miss ur smiles and grins and blushes.

i miss ur stories and calls.

i kinda miss everyting about u.

bt like wat u said, "it happened to me before and i moved on."

well, i'm moving on.

can't keep hanging on forever right?

and i'm glad to say, it doesn't hurt animore and i don't wonder whether you miss me.

Enough now. Night world.

Sweet dreams my loves. Miss me like how I miss you. :)

That look in your eyes

I know I just blogged a few hours ago but I can't resist the lure of blogging again.

I realise in a moment of self-reflection that i'm quite a sadistic bitch these days.

but i'm only sadistic to people like you

I feel this sense of satisfaction when I look into your eyes and see hurt.pain.

I'm not blind you know. I can feel your eyes burning a hole into my back when i'm busily laughing or having the time of my life with people who just happen to not be you.

I can see that there's something you want to say to me but I know nothing in the world will make you say it.

An the best thing is, I'm perfectly cool with it.

Girl, its that look in you eyes

sending me silent message through air and time

i feel you burning a hole through me

trying to break me bit by bit

well, sori girl, this time, you're not going to succeed

cos i'm stronger now

oh, if only you open your eyes and see

right now, your look means nothing to me

just wait for the day when i send that same letter back to you

and i'll sign it yours truly, friends forever.

(psst. don't flatter urself. im being sarcastic)

enough no more, tis not as sweet as it was before.

goodnight stars.

sweet dreams my loves.

Mummy said there'll be days like this

Yet again, you can find me stuck in the same old seat, in the cold as hell library,

typing or more like TRYING to type the lit notes me and steph are doing.

i mean seriously, its not my fault there are so many enticing stories to read on fanfiction right?

damn the writers. hrmph. :)

Been some time since i blogged.

Sat's concert was great. had a brilliant time getting in touch with my inner self under the pretty stars.

and oh god, eating mum's delish cream puffs!!

(psst. i ate almost 50 of em. hey don't give me that look, dey were minute.)

so its come as no surprise that i've put on 3 kg since e hols.

the horror. i seriously need to start working out.

Sunday was boring except for POTC and world cup where ITALIA won!!

thank god they won. at least it heals my wounded heart from FERNANDO TORRES's departure.

Monday was an okay kinda day. shaf was absent cos she had cramps again.

poor girl. i hate it when she gets cramps, cos i feel so helpless.

aniwei, since i'm such a nice soul and all, i sent the chem notes over to her house.

stayed for 5 freaking hours.

her sister is soooooo adorable! i jus feel lyk kidnapping her. lolz

She was drawing and singing while I was valiantly trying to teach Shaf organic chem.

We studied a bit then we had a break for some delish prata and bubble tea.

then me being the baby( can you believe my dad and mum call me dat?!!honestly!) that i am, insisted that we play with the barbie doll set she keeps in dis huge box in her room cos I just felt this sudden urge to fondle with barbie and her clothes.okay that came out wrong

(By the way, did u noe that she doesnt have nipples? or a proper hole? gasp! how in the world did she haf sex with Ken?!!? through her nose? eww. gross.)

so i whined and pleaded and got my way, as always. :)

so there we were, two 16 year olds, squealing and exclaiming over the oh so cute shoes and bags and tiny cups and plates.

we built barbie's house. or rather she helped while i did all the dirty work. hrmph.

then as appreciation of my masterpiece of a creation, i recorded a video of dearest barbie's house. hehe.

Then she showed me the collection of letters that she keep and all the song lyrics she collects.

i was so touched when i saw that she kept all my letters to her and even better, she pasted dis letter i wrote to her last year on her wall along with the "colour me beautiful" poem i wrote for her.

thanks shaf darl for making me smile more inside. :)

moving on, we had a nice talk while lazing on her bed and i noe it made us both feel much better knowing that whatever happens, we'll always have each other.

She's already asking me when i'm coming over again. told her that maybe we can make it a weekly sat ting. dat'll b great cos i can finally get my ass down and study properly since i can't bloody concentrate wen i'm at home.

Today's a good day. I sincerely enjoy answering questions in class now.

and voluntarily i may add. :)

oh and i luurvve distracting Mrs. Lopez in class, like asking her her fav world cup team(France) and her fav player (Zidane) and stoopid little things like dat.

I tink all the teachers are getting more friendly and open and dats good. it adds tons of fun and humour to otherwise dull and boring classes.

oh, me, gerry, mel and abby haf all decided to go on a world trip!

umm to Rome and Italy and Venice and Spain and Paris and Brazil and Portugal (cos SOMEONE wans to see cristiano ronaldo!) and California ( to see darling MR. Bloom) and Florida and Arizona and Canada and New York and Las Vegas, Nevada and London!

it'll be shitloads of fun. e tiny prob is dat we don't have the cash to make all those trips.

prolly end up in south-north Malaysia aniwei.

lolz.

Oh before i forget, SOMEBODY (*coughs*MeL*coughs*) got free tix to the POTC 2 grand premiere!! Lucky bitch! i'm sooo jealous.

but not to worry, i've told her (only about a hundred times) that if she gets any Orlando Bloom merchandise(counting the popcorn box), she is supposed to surrender it straight to me!

well, as my beloved mum always says, there always be days like this.

days that just make you feel all warm and fuzzly and cuddly inside and make you smile like a lunatic goon while waiting for the bus and forcing the people around you to assume( and make an "ass" of themselves, get it?) that you just escaped from IMH.

:)

Well, ta to one and all,

till next we meet.

All that you can't leave behind

it's been 60 days.

60 days ago everything was going well

60 days ago a life wasn't cruelly snatched

60 days ago it wasn't all torn apart

60 days ago a smile meant nothing

60 days ago life wasn't lived

now it has all changed.

now everything's going great. better then great even

now a life is gone and will be sorely missed even by those who don't know him well.

now everything's torn asaunder, cracks caused by numerous blunders

now a smile means everything. a smile means the world.

now life is lived to the fullest, every breath taken stretched to its maximum.

i feel like crying but NOT because i'm sad or its just another one of my depression for attention attacks. i feel like crying because i'm alive. i'm alive and breathing and allah has given me his grace and given me a chance to repent all my sins. to be a better person.

and honestly, that's all that matters to me now.

i truly don't care what you think of me or whether your view of me has changed.

i don't give a damn whether you even miss me or think of me though allah help me, i dream and think of you sometimes.

as long as i'm happy and i'm a better person, dat's all that matters to me.

i reali don't care whether you notice. you may not observe the change in me but i noe in my heart i have changed. and the best thing is its for the better.

i love my life now and i don't mind that you're not in it.

and that's because i realise a whole lot of other people care for me and love me for who i am, who see me with eyes wide open.

and i'm truly thankful to allah for his gifts.

i remember when i was in china, i had a dream.

a dream of you.

in my dream i called for you.

and i don't noe why but when you turned around to face me, i could see the hate in your eyes.

hate so strong it sent me reeling.

i woke up from that dream crying. i was so scared. scared of losing you.

irony is, my dream has come true.

strange how life works isn't it?

even a simple dream can become reality.

BUT

only if u truly fear it and let it consume u.

just like how i let my fear of losing you consume me.

but like what mummy says, "Sesuatu itu mungkin baik pada diri kita tetapi allah sahaja yang lebih tahu. Dia tarik balik kurniaanNya kerana dia lebih menyayangi diri kita"(maybe something is good to us but allah is all knowing. he takes back what's his because he loves us more)

Beautiful Disaster

Whoa. It's only the 3rd day of the term and i'm already starting to feel the heat.

got the wheels in motion. hopefully Mrs. Yeo can help find that PRC buddy 2 help me in maths.

cos u noe wat, i seriously SERIOUSLY need dat.

nonetheless, im proud of me for having managed to complete my lit notes for Act 1.

right now, i'm taking a little breather thus i'm here blogging.

god i'm freaking tired.

waited 1 whole freaking hour for dr fung.

he cut off my stellazine but he left the fluoxetine.

damn. i was hoping to be taken off it.

aniwei, boo to the world cup ryt now.

damn dat spain got kicked out.

dats jus a beautiful disaster.

no more David Villa and Iker Casillas and no more FERNANDO TORRES!

*gasp*

dats a crime unto itself.

before i sign off, i'd like to say a little something to a few people;

firstly; great thanks to Mrs S. Yeo for being a good counsellor and helping me get my life back in order. i will never forget all dat u've done for me. thnx for always lending a listening ear and giving great advice n guidance jus so i can find my own way out of the rut i got myself into. i truly appreciate all dat u've done. thank u. god bless.

secondly; to Xin Min. i hope u con't fighting and staying strong. it's ok girl. everything is going to be ok. i noe u can pull thru dis. the trick is to keep breathing and living ur life. ur a great girl. i jus wished i could help u look into the mirror and help u see dat. remember, u got 2 stay strong always and love yourself before u can love others. u haf a whole life ahead of u. don't throw it away.i wish u all the best. am always here for u. god bless.

thirdly; to Nadia. hey babe. i miss u loads. we havent seen each other in a long time huh? i noe ur going thru a rough patch right now but i also noe ur a strong girl and ur going to get thru dis jus fine. always believe in urself. my home is always open for u if u need a break frm home k.i will always be here for u girl. noe dat k. love loads darl. u take care. god bless.

lastly to all those out there; just go ahead and live life.do the things u wan n live it with no regrets. "life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away."

:)

Being afraid of fear

It's amaths now and i'm sitting here in the cold library blogging

it's been an interesting 1st day back.

lessons same old as usual with lit being the same old entertaining hype

grins.

honestly, Shakespeare has quite an imagination.

i swear that scene was perfectly written.

giggles.

sometimes i pity poor gerry. she has 2 tolerate all my outbursts of bullshit n dats quite often.

but oh well, even she needs a little bit of entertainment in her otherwise dull life.

ok enough on lit brokeback and toys.

somehow, i feel a little guilty.

i should be using this period to study reali.

prelims not far off now. 29th august.

reali hope i wake up and get my butt moving to study properly.

reali got to get my act together.

i'm still afraid. still unsure.

still cautious and trying to toe the line.

i guess im afraid of fear.

fear does things to your mind reali.

but no matter, i noe i can do it.

it's all in the mind and in the trick of living life to the fullest each day just so you don't waste it.

That's hot

I was going thru my memory box and i found this list.

THAT'S HOT:

1.blindfolds

2.ice cubes

3.handcuffs

4.leather

5.chocolate sauce

6.wine

7.showers together

8.whips

9.pre-cum

10.up against the fridge

11.in a glass elevator

12.on the washing machine

13.chains

14.role-playing

15.elf-ears

16.on the hood of a car

17.in the pool, skinny dipping

18.collars

19.ropes

20.stilettos

21.uniform

22.lube

23.lap dance

24.photoshoots

25.in a lecture theatre when noone's around

26.on the beach

27.dusting sugar

28.striptease

29.pole dancing

30.on the deck of a ship (pirate style)

31.on the counter top

32.velvet

33. while doing laundry

34.on the operating table

35.lollipops

36.on the roller coaster

37.in the midst of parachutes(think pearl habour)

LOLZ. i had a gd laugh remembering the time me gerry n omi wrote dat list. it was during ss if im not wrong.

now see wat social studies can inspire students to do. lolz.

to amirah:

i'm sorry. i didn't bring my hp out wif me dat time u msged back.

sorry if u tink dats me being aloof or if it got you confused.

n i msg for a reason. the reason is simple. to show that deep down i still somewhat care and think of u as my fren regardless of whether u reply or not.

bt wateva it is, i msg frm my heart whether u wan 2 believe me or not.

Karma goes around

I've realised the true meaning of friendship

friendship is about happiness

it's about making your friends happy and seeing them smile, hearing them laugh

it's about being happy for them even if you're not with them

it's about always being there for them even if they don't want you there

it's about all the smiles and all the good times.

but most of all its about being there for each other whether times are good or bad and not just during the good times.

I've realised lots of things during this whole period.

i realised who my true friends are.

there are those who look for you wen dey're in need but leave u wen ur the one in need.

dere are those who tell u they're always going to be there for you but turn around n leave you when things get a little on the rough side

so much for "i'll always have your back"

i'm only talking about one person. and dats the one that told me that not too long ago but now has deserted me.

it hurts but i'll get over it. it's ok. i'm stronger now to face all these.

jus wanna say i'm a little disappointed in u.

to all of u, nikki, snam, rum, loll, jell :

hey. i noe things aren't the same anymore but that's ok.

i'm glad to see u guys are happi and doing good.

hope everything's going ok for all of you.

jus wanna say thanks for giving me this chance to be stronger.

i'm veri much grateful for that.

i've learned a lot about our friendship and all the mistakes i've made

i'm reali doing my bestest to change whether u believe it or not.

i'm learning to let it all go.

I jus wanna say that i'm not fighting to hang on to our frenship so much animore.

whatever it is, i still am always going to be here for you guys and i still treat u all as my friends.

and dats wat u'll always be.

i've said all that i've wanted to say, wish u all the best. god bless u.

The very essence of life

I'll start by stating 5 tings that have changed in me over the course of this past month.

1. I'm more positive now. learning 2 swallow e meat more instead of the bones.i mean dats wat u gotta learn in life. u got 2 have dat skill of eating fish n applying it in ur life. u haf 2 pick out the bones that are going 2 hurt and just take in wat nourishes you.

2. i'm not suicidal anymore. dats a big improvement. i love living life now. i noe dats kinda hard 2 believe coming from someone like me. lets jus say i've got shitloads of epiphanys. sometimes it takes a person's sorrow 2 wake u up from urs.

3. i haf an actual relationship wif my mum now. dat is e bestest ting ever. i love my mum. i jus never realised how much.

4. i'm more of my own person now. i realise dat i haf my own likes and dislikes. i haf my own stand and i noe wat i want.

5.i'm more independant now. i realise dat in this world, u gotta stand on ur own 2 feet. pick urself up. after all, ur living 4 urself.

hmm, I jus realised that my social circle has been widening.

dats a gd ting.

spent an entire day wif 4 other u cld call strangers.

abg wan, kak ina, shasha and yati.

had tons of fun.

went to e cemetry 1st ting in e morning.

i visited atok's grave again. read out e letter i wrote 2 him.

yes e letter was in eng n i dun tink he noes eng bt i noe he understands wat i wan 2 say.

surprisingly, i didnt cry. :)

went to upper pierce reservoir next to see monkeys. [seriously, im not kidding]

had a talk even though it was raining cats and dogs.

i must say its a nice place. peaceful and tranquil.

spent an hour or so there jus getting 2 noe each other and share our probs n all dat.

its amazing wat u have in common wif total strangers. only then will u realise dat u are never alone.

had lunch at bugis next n den went 2 bugis street for some much needed retail therapy.

bought 4 myself a handbag which is a 1st 4 me. it was a kinda impulse ting. :)

had coffee at starbucks after. i had a caramel java chip or sth lyk dat. damn nice. tastes kinda like rhummba actuali. [stoopid ting 2 do,taking off e rhummba frap. caramel rhummba fraps so rock my world]

went for x-men next. e movie so totally rocks. i loved every single moment of it. wanna watch it again.

in conclusion, i had a veri fun and great day. made some new frens and i love dat. e ability to meet new ppl and interact wif strangers.its amazing how much u can connect wif a person in jus under 12 hrs. strange isnt it how u can pour ur heart out to a total stranger and connect on a much deeper level.

its jus one of those things dat life does jus so u open ur eyes and see the true essence of life and give urself more reasons to live.

Danse Feline Sur Cordes

Danse Feline Sur Cordes

Cats on Strings.

it totally rocked!

except for the part where my heel strap broke.

lets start from the beginning shall we.

met jell and nikki at tanah merah.

we all looked damn hott and sexy. :)

walked around at raffles city 2 get 4 omi a nice prezzie.

got for her dis pretty flower tingy.

was walking 2 HMV cos Loll wanted 2 get 4 her e kaisers dvd.

dat was wen the unfortunate happened n my heel strap broke.

i had 2 walk e rest of e way to HMV barefoot.

[yes i noe its embarassing. do not remind me ok.]

den in HMV, nikki n jell sumhow figured out how 2 reposition my tudung since i had 2 use the pin 2 save my shoe.

n guess wat, us being the smart asses dat we are, we left the flower in HMV.

thank god the flower was salvaged by the HMV staff. whew.

was supposed 2 go out 4 supper after e show bt my dearest dad plonked himself outside VT since 9.30 at night jus 2 make sure i dun escape wif my frens.

hrmph.

but oh well, it was still a great night out and i loved every bit of it.

"Love sought is good but given unsought is better"

so true dun u tink?

Someone once told me

Until you walk that mile in my shoes

Until you hear my screams

Don't even claim you understand my pain

Don't say you know how it feels

I can't decide what hurts the most, you

laughing it off like you always do or the

fact that I hoped you wouldn't

it takes all my power to repair the damage you made

in this joke, this game, this masquerade

Someone once told me:

how our hearts are broken and

people continue to help piece them

back together again

and finally there'll be someone

who won't try to fix you,

who will only be there so it will

be just that much easier

for you to fix yourself

and that's when you know

the person is for you.

the person hu told me this is none other den darl nikki. so profound ryt. love u loads u profound poopie head.

:)

mira darl dun wori everyting is gonna b fine. i promise. love u loads my angel.

Realisation hits when you least expect it

All and everyting dats happening has thrown me into a whirlwind of realisation.

i realise my mistakes

and trust me, i'm doing all in my power to rectify all that i've done wrong

i guess all e other times i said i wanted out, i never managed to because i didnt put my whole heart into it

but now, i want out. and im going 2 fucking get out.

dats my promise to myself.

yupps.

this past few days have thot me the meaning of life. the meaning of frenship.

the meaning of a smile. and most of all, the meaning of a mum's love.

u noe wen u grow up, u always wanna b independant, u wan 2 prove dat u can survive n b strong wifout ur mum constantly hankering over u.

dats how i felt too.

bt now, after all dis, i realise dat i still need my mum veri veri much.

i need her love and her warm hugs and her prescence.

basically i just need her.

i love my mum loads.

i jus never bothered to realise how much exactly.

:)

before i sign out, i wanna say a little something to a special person

the person hu's always going to b dere 4 me 24/7 , 365 days in a year

so here's a little thank u frm me 2 u

i noe dat u got ur own frens and i got my own frens

but i also noe dat no matter wat, regardless of wat happens u always got my back.

u'll always b dere 4 me regardless of how annoying, irritating and goddamn bitchy i can get.

regardless of wat happened in the past

u'r still gonna b dere 4 me.always.

thnx shaf. 4 everyting.

The Movie called Life

Attended an inspirational talk jus now.

guess its high time i get my faith back.

something ustaz Aqil said struck me.

[he has a nice voice. used to be a rock singer. reali. no shit.]

"Kehidupan ini bagaikan sebuah filem. Dunia ini pentas lakonannya. Manusia itu pelakon dan pengarah utamanya. Al-Quran dan As-Sunnah itulah skripnya.Islam itulah jalan ceritanya.Kiamat itu kesudahan ceritanya.Padang Masyar itu tempat penganugerahannya. Nabi Muhammad itu adalah pelakon terbaiknya. Allah itu jurinya. Dan neraka dan syurga itu adalah trofi-trofinya."

[Life is like a movie. The world is the setting. Human beings are the main actors and directors.The Quran and the Sunnah is the script. Islam is the plot. Kiamat is the end of the story.Padang Masyar is the venue of the award show. The prophet Muhammad is the best actor. Allah is the judging jury. And Heaven and Hell are the trophies]

dats a rough translation.sori if its not 2 accurate.

i kinda suck at translating stuff.

anyway, i've had an epiphany.

the epitome of epiphanys.

i wanna get out of depression.

i wan 2 push open that door and step out into the light

i'm a little scared of what i'll find

but i'm pretty sure it's a hell lot better den wat i'm in now.

i jus hope dis time will be the last...

Letter to you

dis past few days have made me realise that life is kinda like a loan

its e time god gives you and u'll never noe wen ur time is up and ur loan is taken away.

death is death.

its never far away.

i guess its god's way of reminding me of wat i have lost and forgotten over e past years.

n damn did it hit hard.

its been 4 years and it onli felt like just yesterday.

someone once told me that the hardest ting in life is acceptance.

accepting wat ur heart refuses to accept.

acknowledging hurts and pains.

life's built on the word acceptance.

and at one point or other u jus gotta accept it [see wat i mean?]

dear atok,

its been 4 long years.

i've put aside all e hurt i feel wen u left for all these years

and now, im suddenly thrown into a whirlwind of rememberance of u.

n it hurts to feel after so long

i miss you

i miss the way you used to hold me close and rock me to sleep

i miss pretend playing with you

do you remember i used to sit on ur lap and put ur arms around me and pretend that i'm in a cab?

i miss those times

i miss listening 2 all ur stories of all ur voyages.

ur my captain remember? my very own pirate.

i remember the way you use to ruffle my hair and cup the back of my neck.

i can still feel your hand around the back of my neck

it killed me 2 watch u suffer thru those years after ur stroke.

it killed me to watch u slowly slip away

i guess dats wat made it more painful.

i miss you atok.

i can still hear your voice telling me that wen i get my PSLE results, i'd show u and i'd be ur protege. ur girl.

i'm sori i never got to show u...but u noe ryt?

i noe ur watching over me.

i'm so sori u never got 2 see me b4 u left. i'm sori i took so long 2 come to ur side.

i noe u tried 2 wait.

i'm so sori.

i'm sori i've neglected u all these years.

that i've put u aside all this while. that at sum point, i forgot.

i forgot the pain of losing you.

bt i feel it now. its cursing thru me like poison.

i'm visiting u on sun ok?

i'm sori if u hear me cry. it jus hurts.

its like i buried all e pain i felt deep deep in and now they're out in the open.

i'm sori for everyting atok.

i jus hope ur in a better place now. and dat u finally got wat u rightfully deserve.

i hope Allah blesses ur soul.

i love u loads atok.

rest in peace.