Take me as I am

Well, i just read those tags posted on my tagboard.

Hmm.

interesting food for thought.

anyway, i'm not going to waste any time defending myself or what I said.

But;

i've just got this to say:

I am who i am and hell, if you can't take that, that is unfortunately your loss.

Thing is, i've gotten much worse shit than that and i've learned not to let it affect me.

swallow the meat and not the bones. :)

I know who i am and my friends know who i am and that's good enough for me.

Hmm...

though, i got a feeling i know who you might be 'cool'.

I got a very good feeling who you are but hey, i'll let you have the benefit of the doubt huh?

anyway, i've always said that I tend to read too much between the lines.

I'm taking a tiny break from studying. Been studying since 5 or something and my brain is exhausted from trying to cramp Venice into my brain cells.

You know, everytime i think of brain cells and memory, i think of those grey metal filing cabinets filled with loads of files.

then anytime you want to extract a memory, the right drawer will open and a file will emerge and you get your memory.

heh. weird. but then, that's just me.

I've got a couple of shout outs to a couple of people:

Xin Min: Hey girl. Don't be afraid. I know what it's like to have to depend on meds for a long period of time. But look at it this way, if it makes you better, go for it. it's a huge step to take and i know you hate to go back to that goddamn sterile place but really, let the doctors give you something to help. you'll get better so much faster.all the best darling. much love from me.

Nadia: Hey darling! it's been such a long time since we talked. I know it's kinda hard with our schedules being the way they are, but we should try meet up sometime. I know you've got a hell lot going on in there and hey, its not good keeping it in kay. I know we generally don't talk about that kinda stuffs but i want you to know that i'm here for you if you ever need me. take care. much love from me.

Shasha: Thanks girl for making me feel better. you really are a gem! geez, i wonder what i would do without people like you to colour my life. heh.and hey! you still owe me lunch and coffee. after my o's yeah? :) take care. Love ya to bits gorgeous.

that's all i gotta say.

night all. Sail into the unknown in your dreams.

and hey, reach out for the stars.

If you had 15 seconds

Today was a jam-packed day.

full of nerves and strangely, lotsa support and love and motivation.

I shall start at the begining then shall i?

well, the journey to school is as usual a little uneventful except for the same-old stories about farhan or abbas or james or awie(is that how you spell his name asy?) or idris or kamarul or zul or(recently added to the list) ayie or haqi or khai and of course how could i forget the (uncute in my opinion) zafir.

yes yes, i know that's a whole lot of guys. what can i say? we're all hott and gorgeous and sexy so naturally we rein in the testosterones. :)

so 1st period was english which we were all treated to a highly descriptive and detailed version of gerry's oral exam yesterday and which caused me to lose my mood for the entire day after that.

2nd period was supposed to be PE and since i didn't want to run, i was thinking of going to the sickbay but then i remembered that Mrs. Yeo wanted to see me so i might as well go troop along to her room and see her. i mean, better get it over and done with right?

so we talked and she agreed that my idea wasn't such a bad one although she did warn me to expect the worst. she said sometimes, we all just gotta be a little pessimistic.

so after the bell rang for 3rd period, i went back to class only to leave again to see Mdm Lee.

she had a nice heart-to-heart talk with me.

weird i know but she just listened while i cried my heart out about everything.

the lack of money. the uncertainty on whether i can ever continue my studies, which incidentally is why i really really REALLY need that UWC scholarship. and also the helplessness i feel watching my parents struggle for just that pathetic scrap of gold in the form of a dollar coin.

she told me straight that although my intention to quit school and help out financially is noble, it won't benefit me and besides, my parents are giving it their all to keep me in school so i really shouldn't put that to waste.

she held my hand and told me that i could do it no matter how horrible my maths grades are and that's because she knows that deep down, i have it in me and she has faith in me.

(that only made me cry harder really)

She told me to never give up and keep on fighting for my dreams.

At the end of it, she let me off and suddenly, without really knowing why, i kinda asked for a hug and she smiled and said "of course" and hugged me tight for a second or two, not caring that my tears were staining her shirt.

Thank you Mdm Lee.

So after recess was double bio and chem.

and Mrs Ngin, gave us another motivational talk that got me all inspired and motivated. She never fails to make me and the rest of us, feel that way.

I think the school should have more teachers like her just so that we students get the right motivation to study.

I will always remember that there's a star in me.

Thank you Mrs Ngin.

And damn, there was that time for oral.

time is one annoying thing really, when you're dreading something, it has this irritating habit of speeding up.ergh.

i was the last to go so naturally, i had a long wait.

slowly, people dwindled out of the hall until there was only me and Tian left.

I looked over at her and gave her the thumbs up and then we were ready to go.

my first thought when i saw the picture was "oh fuck".

i mean it's not a totally incoherent picture. just, very difficult to describe.

so i read and told myself to not make all the stupid mistakes i always make like reading too fast.

then before i could grasp my answers properly it was time.

i tell you, the walk up to the examiner's table was excruciating.

it also doesn't help that they are looking at you as though they think you're a stubborn piece of dirt on their shoe.

And i read and damn i made that same stupid mistake of reading as though i'm trying to catch after a speeding bullet.

geez. after all that psycho talk to myself, it was all such a waste.

And i am pretty sure i screwed up the picture section because i said it was a chinese new year sale. I mean do department stores have CNY sales?!??

ergh. could have killed myself.

i just totally forgot all that i planned to say and i honestly thought that the examiners were a bit shall i say in pain and wincing? cos they were looking as though they got dildos stuck up their asses and nostrils.

not that they had. i mean even if they did, i won't be able to see but that's besides the point.

so next was the convo.

it went okay i suppose. the topic was not too hard. shopping.

i just blabbed non-stop and i think i overused a couple of words like 'retail therapy' and 'addictive' and 'waste of time'

but all in all, i think i might be able to scrape a decent grade. i need to. think UWC scholarship.

so after the exam, me and shaf decided to really do some retail therapy and we went up to century square's department store and hehe, we had shall i dare say fun?

we tried out clothes that i swear to god we wouldn't have dared try if our mother's knew.

but hey, they make us look incredibly HOTT and GORGEOUS and SEXAYE. really.

i tried on this super super super mini skirt with a gorgeous halter top and shaf had the same skirt with this hott black top that i'm sure will send cum flying if i may be allowed to be direct. :)

and then we headed over to This Fashion and tried on some more clothes. all evidence of this is imprinted on my phone.

heh, i lurrvee shopping with her. It's like i'm not afraid to show what i like and try out stuff i wouldn't normally try and give my opinions on stuffs.

So yeah. She got on 3 with me and it was hilarious the way we were talking to each other on the phone when we were only 2 meters apart due to the fact that she joined the queue late.

oh and she said something that made me smile.

"That's what i like about you. The fact that you can read other people so easily and relate to them. Like how you can know what someone's down and more importantly why they're down. You're a gift from god girl."

heh. yup. i like that part of me too. it seems like i've gotten more perceptive and observant. maybe 4 months and 21 days taught me all i needed to know.

Anyway, like what i told lollie, after having my own wounds opened up and examined like i'm some corpse being subjected to a post mortem has thought me how to open up the wounds of others and let them feel the pain so they can move on.

A thought: "if you knew i had 15 seconds to live, what would you tell me?"

haqi: "I'll tell you that i love you. more than the stars in the sky, more than every breath i take and more than life itself." :)

bie, did i ever mention to you how adorably sweet and romantic you can be?

anyway, this post is long enough so i'll take my leave.

goodnight world.

much love to all my loves.

Waiting for forever

I had a great time just now. Like always.

You just never fail to make my day.

As usual on every tues and wed, i'll drop by his house.

so today was no different.

Headed over to his house after i sent shaf home cos that poor girl got a serious headache.

Honestly, the number of ailments she has amazes me.

so yeah, reached his house and lounged around on the bed while waiting for the pizza to come.

and just when things were starting to get a little hot, the pizza delivery guy rang the doorbell.

damn.

We dragged the entire box (after leaving some for Is and Ari in the kitchen) up to his room.

and by a sudden goddknowswhathithim stroke of inspiration, he decided we should watch the notebook(yes the notebook. yes. i know. the notebook.) while devouring the pizza which as usual is half hawaiian and half BBQ Chicken

so naturally, he pulled a slice of hawaiian and started picking out all the pineapples and mutely handing it to me when he's done and waiting patiently while i pick out all the capsicums for him from the BBQ Chicken side.

lolz...its a kinda habit we developed after sharing so many pizzas.

so there we were cuddled under the covers with the air-con on full blast and watching notebook(of all things)

since i was pretty tired, i fell asleep 10 mins into the movie.

(I must say that it's quite comfy. :) )

and i woke up to him cursing at Noah and Allie abt how they didnt have enough make up sex. (WTF?? They were at it the whole night bie you horny dude!)

and he teared quite a bit too nearing the end of the movie and there i was laughing my head off at him.

tsk. sometimes, i can't help wondering who is the man exactly.

Bie, u just make me fall in love with you more each day. :)

aniwei, enough about that.

do you know that i can't remember what you look like sometimes?

especially when I'm reflecting.

there's a saying that the stronger you feel about someone, the harder it is to picture their face when you are away from them.

and it's true. i reali can't seem to form the contours of your face when i try to.

i can't seem to capture how your hair frames your face and that twinkle in your hazel eyes.

I can't remember you also. I can't seem to get the way you have that same twinkle in your eye in my mind. The way you smile in that half-grin of yours.

maybe, i'm not supposed to be able to remember how you look.

hmm.

I was looking into the mirror (no shaf, i was not exclaiming at how gorgeous i am) when i realised that i had the look of someone who is waiting.

i'm still waiting for you to come back even though i know you're never going to.

i'm still holding out for something that isn't going to happen.

release me. let me go.

so i don't have to wait anymore.

Remember the pain and stay with it

Have you ever wondered why relationships just fall apart?

I mean you could have something really special with someone. Something only both of you share.

The depth of which noone else will understand.

And i suppose that's when your relationship points are a 100%, rather like in Sims.

But then again, what went wrong?

The solution is simple really.

More often than not, we all forget this common enemy we all have - Time.

There's this saying by Stephen King: "Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

So my point is: "Time takes it all whether we want it to or not."

Because of time, even the closest of relationships fall apart and disintegrate and thus "in the end there is only darkness"

And why is this so?

we humans, fail to realise that it matters not how much time you spend together. Friendship and especially love, is not defined in that way.

Just because you stay together with someone, doesn't mean that your relationship with said person is going well.

What is more important is the substance. What is the point of being in constant company with each other but substance, the most important ingredient of any relationship is reduced to taking about guys and their various distinctive antomies?

My point is, take the time to tell each other about ordinary things for even ordinary things can turn extraordinary.

And if you keep on searching for things to talk about, as in wonder what to talk about, you will never find it.

Don't search for it. Let it come naturally.

If you force something to occur, it is not sincere.

That unfortunately is a lesson we all have to learn.

So to all those whose relationships are rocky or fading away, take steps to get it back.

Before it fades away and is gone forever.

regretting then is pointless.

So before it slips through your fingers, snatch it safely and hold on.

Just imagine that person whose realtionship you have with supposedly dies tomorrow.

What would you feel?

Do you feel that pain?

that horrible pain that claws at your insides and tears you up inside.

now, stay with the pain.

someone once told me that pain is good if you learn to use it to your own advantage.

Why let something control you?

Are we staying with the pain?

good.

imagine the regret you feel. if only you had taken steps to ensure that your relationship never slipped away.

but then it'll be too late right?

so my point is, if you ever doubt a relationship or most importantly a friendship, remember that pain and stay with it.

It'll help you remember what you will stand to lose cos fact is, in life,nothing lasts forever and you never know when it may be taken away from you.

wow. i sound so deep.

hmm, i hope i've made things for those in question.

trust me, you do NOT want to learn it the hard way like me.

toodles loves.

and a shoutout to one special person : Muhammad Baihaqi Ilham Bin Muhammad Wan Hakim.

Bie, i love you.

good night stars.

Never say goodbye

God. I am so dead tired.

Got home an hour or so ago.

watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna with shaf just now.

i know, i know, comin from me, that's just bizarre seeing as how i dislike watching tear-jerking and over-emotional hindi movies.

BUT

i must say that it was a nice experience.

i had quite an enjoyable time.

the movie was a delicate balance of the humourous and the tragic.

needless to say, by the end of the movie, an entire packet of tissues was gone and both of us looked like we just broke up with our boyfriends (touchwood) with me looking worse and that was 'cos i was crying non-stop through half of the movie.

honestly, i surprised even myself.

i never realised that i actually had that many tears to spill.

my stance on hindi movies now?

well, they're not so bad really. other than the disturbing fact that all the plots are typicallly similar and very predictable, it provides good entertainment nonetheless.

well,it looks as though i'll be adding Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna to my (surprisingly growing) list of movies that make me cry like someone just died.

Movies that make my list?

The all ever classic Titanic. I mean seriously who doesn't cry?

And i will never forget A Walk To Remember. (god that was lame)

And the one movie that really made me cry, using up a whole box of tissues,was The Notebook.

(my mum thought i had gone mad)

Anyway, to you:

I have an idea!

and don't worry, it's a brilliant one. :)

whipped potato.

*licks lips*

we should try one day aightz?

So to all the people out there, never say goodbye.

Night.

Chasing cars just to waste time

Goodness. People around me are breaking down left right and centre

I think it's the exams.

Had a long talk with one of them just now (i'm not going to mention who so she won't get embarassed)

and the things she told me about what they did to her made me cry.

actually, wat she told me made me cry.

leave. leaving. left.

And i just kinda realised that i'm pretty good at reading people.

the benefits of being a pure lit student?

it's come in very handy.

i'd rather like to think i'm an empath?

i mean not to boast or anything but sometimes it amazes even me when random strangers that i hardly talk to come up to me and pour their heart out.

now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind. i love listening and my own experiences with the counsellor has thought me how to read in between the lines and think positively and be glass half-full.

and now,that's truly important in life.

maybe counselling isn't such a bad path to choose after all.

hmm.

am talking to my darling shasha now.

she's feeding me a lot of insights to being an 18 year old. wait. or is it 19?

god, some friend i am not even knowing her age

and damn she said i should have sent in that story i wrote.

about it.

she insists that i would have made it quite far.

oh well, i might just try sending it in just for the sake of it.

no harm right?

hey. guess what.

I'm thinking of you.

love.

Goodnight world. and always remember there's always a star in you.

It's just like any other day

Once again, i'm sitting in the same old chair in the good old library and typing this.

I know i haven't updated in a long time so here i go.

So much has been happening what with the national day hols. and all that

but then it's all cool. :)

oh, shaf's asking me right now why i look so serious like almost constipated.

hmm, maybe cos i'm missing you.

you with that charming smile and the way you look at me like you never EVER want to blink.

maybe, we shall meet up sometime this week?

was gonna ask you over yesterday but the elders were home so since i value my head as well as your gorgeous one, i decided to not take the risk.

sigh.

-where are you when i'm high?-

krap. we're supposed to be studying our butts off.

lit test tomorrow on the stupid english teacher.

honestly, it is the most boring and depressing book i have ever had the misfortune to have read.

i swear i am going to burn it to hell once O's is over. and good riddance.

oh yeah, i realised that i'm good at lecturing people.

shaf got a full 10 mins just now.

i love lecturing. in a sick sadistic kinda way.

maybe i should be a lecturer?

hmm.

interesting thought.

oh yes. before it slips my mind,

chocolate sauce is the most sinful thing ever.

.grins.

goodbye love.

Band aid covers the bullet hole

Life is simple. It's us who make it complicated.

Just like how i was scared to talk to you and make the first move because i thought you hated me.

and somehow, you thought the same thing too.

silly huh?

and that was why it dragged on so long, battering and sapping all the energy out from both you and me.

"You're not the only one battered in this."

it felt good being with you.

like nothing ever happened.

nothing to signal that forever was only up until the point i walked away.

As i'm typing this, i'm smiling.

it felt good to hear someone especially you calling me fee again.

you know, i can't remember the last time we hugged.

cos the fact is, you never bother to remember the last time because you always take it for granted that there's gonna be other times.

but we all fail to realise that in life, nothing last forever and you can never ever take anything for granted. because you may never know when it's gonna be taken away from you.

Its the little things i guess that acts as a band aid and cover the bullet hole.

both for you and me.

Looking out the window

As I'm sitting here typing this, my muscles are aching like mad.

the effects of napha. thank god it's almost over.

i only have to retake 2.4 and standing broad jump.

today was a very dreary day.

skipped school again but not on purpose.

something happened that i'd just rather not talk about.

Sent Kiara for her vaccination just now.

it amazes me how pets even have their own hospital and all that.

Kinda cool come to think about it.

The operation room was bitterly cold and goddamn sterile.

it just gives you a very foreboding feeling.

just goes to show that once you see someone dying on an operating table, you'll never ever forget it.

moving on, have you ever gotten that feeling like you're watching the world through someone else's eyes?

its this odd feeling of detachment and oddly mixed with a twinge of pain.

it's like looking out a window but you can't see anything distinct.

i hate getting that feeling.

it always hits when i least expect it. especially when i let my guard down.

especially when i'm thinking of past memories and reflect on all the people i've ever met.

hmm, wonder why.

maybe god is trying to tell me something?

i honestly have no idea.

oh yeah, i got a message from abg wan.

something about mars being the brightest in the sky or something or that sort.

supposedly, at 12.30 am on the 27th of august, mars will be the closest ever to earth that it'll be like the earth having 2 moons.

and supposedly the next time mars ever gets that close is in 2287.

so i guess we'll just see if that happens on the 27th.

A question, if someone from your past that you'd rather forget gets himself landed in the hospital, would you go visit him?

even if you know it'll bring back painful memories and reopen healed wounds?

that's the question i'm currently asking myself about you.

have no idea why in the world your brother called me when he easily could have called a thousand other people.

somehow i can't help marvelling at your stupidity. go and get yourself beaten up again.

it's just so typical of you.

always one to court danger, take risks.

whenever are you going to learn your lesson?

i hope you do.

all i can do for you is just wish you all the best and have a speedy recovery.

if i do visit you which there's a very slim chance i will, don't expect me to kiss you like i used to and heal all your wounds and mop up your blood or something like that.

those days are over.

i've moved on and apparently so have you.

oh yes before i forget, i'm about done with tolerating your nonsense.

aren't you happy now that you've got your dearest best friend back again?

that you two are now the bestest of friends?

i still remember how you used to go on and on and on about her.

it's like never-ending.

day in and out, i and a hell lot of other people had to bear with all the hatred you poured out like a waterfall that will never cease.

but now, wow, you rush to her defence like a mother cat protecting her kittens.

why am i not surprised?

you know like the malay saying "kacang lupakan kulit"

you are really something that same saying can be truly proud of.

so much for all the rubbish you uttered.

oh well, for people like you, i've got absolutely no problem in letting you go.

people like you can be found everywhere. after all, the world is never short of hypocrites.

and unfortunately, you just happen to the the crux of hypocrisy.

it's okay. i know for a fact that none day, you'll get yours.

karma darling.

what goes around comes around.

Just the best I ever had

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so I

Run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't need me back

You're just the best I ever had

I can say now that it doesn't quite hurt so much.

it still does and i still get dat twinge everytym we exchange words or everytym i hear u laugh.

but its better now.

a little bit better at least.

it's still raw, still bleeding bt it's learning to heal.

i think without my mum and kak ann and shasha and abg wan and all, i won't survive.

the thing i hate most is not the empty void i feel, its the fact that so many goddamn things remind me of u.

even i remind me of u...its like everytime i look in2 e mirror, i see u staring ryt back out at me.
dat just makes it all dat more harder 2 forget.

oh well, lets jus take it slow shall we?

go with the flow.

time needs to heal all the wounds.

be it mine or urs.

ah fuck it, i miss u. i miss u so.

aniwae,

On a lighter note, i finally got a kitty!!

we named her kiara.

she's abt 2 months old.

she's all white wif a couple of grey patches.

got her at an adoption centre at punggol.

:)

oh yeah, now then ppl want to go gaga over ashley parker angel.

i got dat song 2 months ago. haha

dat jus shows how fast the human mind works.

n i finally decided wat 2 revamp my rm as...

trouble is i need sumone hu can help me paint a mural on e wall...hmm.

if things were the same, i wld have asked you.

Dats all from me 2dae..

gdnite stars. gdnite moon.

sweet dreams my love.

It's all out in the open

I cried again when you msg-ed yest.

just like all those times i cried at night. over u. over all of u.

i guess it's time to let it all out.

no good keeping it in.

i guess it's like wat u said, it was like any normal fight bt den it changed when i walked out.

when i blew up and left.

if i had the power to redo that day i would.

i'd sit there and take it like a true man and not flee like the coward that i am.

but i don't have that kind of power.

i cant undo wat's already been done.

i can't take back what i did and somehow, i wished you'd understand that.

i guess wen u said me walking away was wat put u off, i realised i have no else but myself to blame.

i accept full responsibility of wat happened cos i know i was in the wrong.

but somehow, i thot that by now, u'd see that maybe, just maybe both of us were wrong.

i was wrong because i chose to walk away instead of taking it.

i was wrong because i hurt u 2 much for so long u just cant take it anymore.

i was wrong because i took 2 much out of u, like a dementor, sucking the life slowly out of you.

but then, its not fair if i jus con't blaming myself for everything.

wat i mean is dat until now, i cant understand why for 2 whole months, 2 months u all left. jus silence.

why did u choose to jus let it be for 2 whole months wen maybe you could have i dunno, salvaged it or sth.

those 2 months were hell for me. did u noe i cried every night? did u noe how much i miss u?

ur hugs, ur comfort.

ur prescence.

maybe its true wat u said, maybe to you, i seem fake now.

maybe i was trying to prove to hard to you dat i can make it on my own without you.

dat i can literally live without you.

dat i'm stronger than u think i am.

dat i can pick myself up and not keep relying on you.

i guess yes. the truth is yes. i was tyring to prove all these to you.

ironically, i realise that prove isn't wat u wanted to see.

u never needed me to prove it did u?

no. u wanted to see something more.

u wanted to make me realise that i can make it on my own. dat i can pull myself up.

dat i'm strong. just like wat u always tell me.

god, if i can change time, i'd take it all back.

but i can't. and i'm accepting that.

i'm accepting that all those times, are gone.

remember that book we wrote in?

i smile everytime i read it.

just remembering the old times.

and wondering how fast life can change.

how we all wanted things to be e same always and never change.

how we all swear by the stars and the moon that we'd still be best friends even when we're 85 and rotting.

how we held on to so many dreams. dreams we'd build together.

but reality always gets in the way.

maybe things are meant to be this way.

maybe forever is just up till that time i walked away.

it's so funi how i keep saying i've moved on.

in a way yes. i've moved on with my life.

made new friends, tried not to hang on so much.

but now, i realised that a small part of me will always stay.

dat small part of me will never let go of the hope that maybe someday, i can make it up 2 u. 2 all of u.

i noe it's veri silly of me to still hope wen its pretty obvious e ride's over.

bt i cant help it.

u wonder y i keep looking over at you.

truth is, im a litte envious. just cos others get to have that fun wif u that i noe if i hadnt been so dumb, i might have with you.

haha..maybe a little envious is an understatement.

do u noe sometimes, wen i reali got nth else to do, i'd think back on all those memories we collected over the years.

its nice to know we had good times. lots of good times.

lastly, i just wanna thank you.

for all the good times and for everything.

remember how i used to say i love you more than the stars in sky?

dat small part of me that still hopes still love u in e same way and i'll never forget.

i'll never forget how lucky i am to have god grace me with people like you.

u've left an impact in my life and trust me, no matter how hard i try, i will never ever forget how gracious two best friends and 3 close friends were to me.

It's the things you say that make me smile

It's almost 12 and i'm sitting here blogging.

The week's been good.

full of little things that people say to me that just make me smile.

"Girl, i'm proud of you.I always knew you could do it."

"You're my precious and I'm your SNAG."

"Hey, there's something about the way your eyelashes frame your eyes."

"Hey, you're gorgeous in real life."

Lolz. I love the people in my life now.

they just somehow know how to make me smile and most importantly laugh.

i realised that my life used to be so devoid of laughter.

maybe that's one of the reasons we fell apart.

Moving on,

i'm missing quite a couple of people.

firstly i miss u. i miss ur kisses and u kissing my forehead and telling me it's all going to be ok just cos i have you.

i miss you messing up my hair and swinging me around.

i miss you singing yellow to me under the purrdy stars.

i miss the way you look at me, like you never want to blink

it's been months and suddenly i remember you again and it kinda hurts.

hope ur hapi with huever u're with. I'll always love you just cos that's a promise i made to you.

Secondly, i miss my SNAG. I miss ur smiles and u batting ur eyelashes at me jus cos u noe it'll make me smile.

i miss playing with your pinky fingers and the way you lick whipped cream of your lips in a failed attempt to turn me on.

i miss laughing my ass off with you and krapping about everything under the sun.

lolz, ur truly my SNAG. miss u even though its onli been 2 days since i last saw you.

and you ass. now u cant make it 2 drama nite. u owe me a date and u had better not forget it!

and lastly. I miss u. all of u.

no matter how hard i deny it, i do miss u.

i miss ur hugs and krapping with u.

i miss outings in town with u.

i miss ur smiles and grins and blushes.

i miss ur stories and calls.

i kinda miss everyting about u.

bt like wat u said, "it happened to me before and i moved on."

well, i'm moving on.

can't keep hanging on forever right?

and i'm glad to say, it doesn't hurt animore and i don't wonder whether you miss me.

Enough now. Night world.

Sweet dreams my loves. Miss me like how I miss you. :)

That look in your eyes

I know I just blogged a few hours ago but I can't resist the lure of blogging again.

I realise in a moment of self-reflection that i'm quite a sadistic bitch these days.

but i'm only sadistic to people like you

I feel this sense of satisfaction when I look into your eyes and see hurt.pain.

I'm not blind you know. I can feel your eyes burning a hole into my back when i'm busily laughing or having the time of my life with people who just happen to not be you.

I can see that there's something you want to say to me but I know nothing in the world will make you say it.

An the best thing is, I'm perfectly cool with it.

Girl, its that look in you eyes

sending me silent message through air and time

i feel you burning a hole through me

trying to break me bit by bit

well, sori girl, this time, you're not going to succeed

cos i'm stronger now

oh, if only you open your eyes and see

right now, your look means nothing to me

just wait for the day when i send that same letter back to you

and i'll sign it yours truly, friends forever.

(psst. don't flatter urself. im being sarcastic)

enough no more, tis not as sweet as it was before.

goodnight stars.

sweet dreams my loves.

Mummy said there'll be days like this

Yet again, you can find me stuck in the same old seat, in the cold as hell library,

typing or more like TRYING to type the lit notes me and steph are doing.

i mean seriously, its not my fault there are so many enticing stories to read on fanfiction right?

damn the writers. hrmph. :)

Been some time since i blogged.

Sat's concert was great. had a brilliant time getting in touch with my inner self under the pretty stars.

and oh god, eating mum's delish cream puffs!!

(psst. i ate almost 50 of em. hey don't give me that look, dey were minute.)

so its come as no surprise that i've put on 3 kg since e hols.

the horror. i seriously need to start working out.

Sunday was boring except for POTC and world cup where ITALIA won!!

thank god they won. at least it heals my wounded heart from FERNANDO TORRES's departure.

Monday was an okay kinda day. shaf was absent cos she had cramps again.

poor girl. i hate it when she gets cramps, cos i feel so helpless.

aniwei, since i'm such a nice soul and all, i sent the chem notes over to her house.

stayed for 5 freaking hours.

her sister is soooooo adorable! i jus feel lyk kidnapping her. lolz

She was drawing and singing while I was valiantly trying to teach Shaf organic chem.

We studied a bit then we had a break for some delish prata and bubble tea.

then me being the baby( can you believe my dad and mum call me dat?!!honestly!) that i am, insisted that we play with the barbie doll set she keeps in dis huge box in her room cos I just felt this sudden urge to fondle with barbie and her clothes.okay that came out wrong

(By the way, did u noe that she doesnt have nipples? or a proper hole? gasp! how in the world did she haf sex with Ken?!!? through her nose? eww. gross.)

so i whined and pleaded and got my way, as always. :)

so there we were, two 16 year olds, squealing and exclaiming over the oh so cute shoes and bags and tiny cups and plates.

we built barbie's house. or rather she helped while i did all the dirty work. hrmph.

then as appreciation of my masterpiece of a creation, i recorded a video of dearest barbie's house. hehe.

Then she showed me the collection of letters that she keep and all the song lyrics she collects.

i was so touched when i saw that she kept all my letters to her and even better, she pasted dis letter i wrote to her last year on her wall along with the "colour me beautiful" poem i wrote for her.

thanks shaf darl for making me smile more inside. :)

moving on, we had a nice talk while lazing on her bed and i noe it made us both feel much better knowing that whatever happens, we'll always have each other.

She's already asking me when i'm coming over again. told her that maybe we can make it a weekly sat ting. dat'll b great cos i can finally get my ass down and study properly since i can't bloody concentrate wen i'm at home.

Today's a good day. I sincerely enjoy answering questions in class now.

and voluntarily i may add. :)

oh and i luurvve distracting Mrs. Lopez in class, like asking her her fav world cup team(France) and her fav player (Zidane) and stoopid little things like dat.

I tink all the teachers are getting more friendly and open and dats good. it adds tons of fun and humour to otherwise dull and boring classes.

oh, me, gerry, mel and abby haf all decided to go on a world trip!

umm to Rome and Italy and Venice and Spain and Paris and Brazil and Portugal (cos SOMEONE wans to see cristiano ronaldo!) and California ( to see darling MR. Bloom) and Florida and Arizona and Canada and New York and Las Vegas, Nevada and London!

it'll be shitloads of fun. e tiny prob is dat we don't have the cash to make all those trips.

prolly end up in south-north Malaysia aniwei.

lolz.

Oh before i forget, SOMEBODY (*coughs*MeL*coughs*) got free tix to the POTC 2 grand premiere!! Lucky bitch! i'm sooo jealous.

but not to worry, i've told her (only about a hundred times) that if she gets any Orlando Bloom merchandise(counting the popcorn box), she is supposed to surrender it straight to me!

well, as my beloved mum always says, there always be days like this.

days that just make you feel all warm and fuzzly and cuddly inside and make you smile like a lunatic goon while waiting for the bus and forcing the people around you to assume( and make an "ass" of themselves, get it?) that you just escaped from IMH.

:)

Well, ta to one and all,

till next we meet.

All that you can't leave behind

it's been 60 days.

60 days ago everything was going well

60 days ago a life wasn't cruelly snatched

60 days ago it wasn't all torn apart

60 days ago a smile meant nothing

60 days ago life wasn't lived

now it has all changed.

now everything's going great. better then great even

now a life is gone and will be sorely missed even by those who don't know him well.

now everything's torn asaunder, cracks caused by numerous blunders

now a smile means everything. a smile means the world.

now life is lived to the fullest, every breath taken stretched to its maximum.

i feel like crying but NOT because i'm sad or its just another one of my depression for attention attacks. i feel like crying because i'm alive. i'm alive and breathing and allah has given me his grace and given me a chance to repent all my sins. to be a better person.

and honestly, that's all that matters to me now.

i truly don't care what you think of me or whether your view of me has changed.

i don't give a damn whether you even miss me or think of me though allah help me, i dream and think of you sometimes.

as long as i'm happy and i'm a better person, dat's all that matters to me.

i reali don't care whether you notice. you may not observe the change in me but i noe in my heart i have changed. and the best thing is its for the better.

i love my life now and i don't mind that you're not in it.

and that's because i realise a whole lot of other people care for me and love me for who i am, who see me with eyes wide open.

and i'm truly thankful to allah for his gifts.

i remember when i was in china, i had a dream.

a dream of you.

in my dream i called for you.

and i don't noe why but when you turned around to face me, i could see the hate in your eyes.

hate so strong it sent me reeling.

i woke up from that dream crying. i was so scared. scared of losing you.

irony is, my dream has come true.

strange how life works isn't it?

even a simple dream can become reality.

BUT

only if u truly fear it and let it consume u.

just like how i let my fear of losing you consume me.

but like what mummy says, "Sesuatu itu mungkin baik pada diri kita tetapi allah sahaja yang lebih tahu. Dia tarik balik kurniaanNya kerana dia lebih menyayangi diri kita"(maybe something is good to us but allah is all knowing. he takes back what's his because he loves us more)

Beautiful Disaster

Whoa. It's only the 3rd day of the term and i'm already starting to feel the heat.

got the wheels in motion. hopefully Mrs. Yeo can help find that PRC buddy 2 help me in maths.

cos u noe wat, i seriously SERIOUSLY need dat.

nonetheless, im proud of me for having managed to complete my lit notes for Act 1.

right now, i'm taking a little breather thus i'm here blogging.

god i'm freaking tired.

waited 1 whole freaking hour for dr fung.

he cut off my stellazine but he left the fluoxetine.

damn. i was hoping to be taken off it.

aniwei, boo to the world cup ryt now.

damn dat spain got kicked out.

dats jus a beautiful disaster.

no more David Villa and Iker Casillas and no more FERNANDO TORRES!

*gasp*

dats a crime unto itself.

before i sign off, i'd like to say a little something to a few people;

firstly; great thanks to Mrs S. Yeo for being a good counsellor and helping me get my life back in order. i will never forget all dat u've done for me. thnx for always lending a listening ear and giving great advice n guidance jus so i can find my own way out of the rut i got myself into. i truly appreciate all dat u've done. thank u. god bless.

secondly; to Xin Min. i hope u con't fighting and staying strong. it's ok girl. everything is going to be ok. i noe u can pull thru dis. the trick is to keep breathing and living ur life. ur a great girl. i jus wished i could help u look into the mirror and help u see dat. remember, u got 2 stay strong always and love yourself before u can love others. u haf a whole life ahead of u. don't throw it away.i wish u all the best. am always here for u. god bless.

thirdly; to Nadia. hey babe. i miss u loads. we havent seen each other in a long time huh? i noe ur going thru a rough patch right now but i also noe ur a strong girl and ur going to get thru dis jus fine. always believe in urself. my home is always open for u if u need a break frm home k.i will always be here for u girl. noe dat k. love loads darl. u take care. god bless.

lastly to all those out there; just go ahead and live life.do the things u wan n live it with no regrets. "life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away."

:)

Being afraid of fear

It's amaths now and i'm sitting here in the cold library blogging

it's been an interesting 1st day back.

lessons same old as usual with lit being the same old entertaining hype

grins.

honestly, Shakespeare has quite an imagination.

i swear that scene was perfectly written.

giggles.

sometimes i pity poor gerry. she has 2 tolerate all my outbursts of bullshit n dats quite often.

but oh well, even she needs a little bit of entertainment in her otherwise dull life.

ok enough on lit brokeback and toys.

somehow, i feel a little guilty.

i should be using this period to study reali.

prelims not far off now. 29th august.

reali hope i wake up and get my butt moving to study properly.

reali got to get my act together.

i'm still afraid. still unsure.

still cautious and trying to toe the line.

i guess im afraid of fear.

fear does things to your mind reali.

but no matter, i noe i can do it.

it's all in the mind and in the trick of living life to the fullest each day just so you don't waste it.

That's hot

I was going thru my memory box and i found this list.

THAT'S HOT:

1.blindfolds

2.ice cubes

3.handcuffs

4.leather

5.chocolate sauce

6.wine

7.showers together

8.whips

9.pre-cum

10.up against the fridge

11.in a glass elevator

12.on the washing machine

13.chains

14.role-playing

15.elf-ears

16.on the hood of a car

17.in the pool, skinny dipping

18.collars

19.ropes

20.stilettos

21.uniform

22.lube

23.lap dance

24.photoshoots

25.in a lecture theatre when noone's around

26.on the beach

27.dusting sugar

28.striptease

29.pole dancing

30.on the deck of a ship (pirate style)

31.on the counter top

32.velvet

33. while doing laundry

34.on the operating table

35.lollipops

36.on the roller coaster

37.in the midst of parachutes(think pearl habour)

LOLZ. i had a gd laugh remembering the time me gerry n omi wrote dat list. it was during ss if im not wrong.

now see wat social studies can inspire students to do. lolz.

to amirah:

i'm sorry. i didn't bring my hp out wif me dat time u msged back.

sorry if u tink dats me being aloof or if it got you confused.

n i msg for a reason. the reason is simple. to show that deep down i still somewhat care and think of u as my fren regardless of whether u reply or not.

bt wateva it is, i msg frm my heart whether u wan 2 believe me or not.

Karma goes around

I've realised the true meaning of friendship

friendship is about happiness

it's about making your friends happy and seeing them smile, hearing them laugh

it's about being happy for them even if you're not with them

it's about always being there for them even if they don't want you there

it's about all the smiles and all the good times.

but most of all its about being there for each other whether times are good or bad and not just during the good times.

I've realised lots of things during this whole period.

i realised who my true friends are.

there are those who look for you wen dey're in need but leave u wen ur the one in need.

dere are those who tell u they're always going to be there for you but turn around n leave you when things get a little on the rough side

so much for "i'll always have your back"

i'm only talking about one person. and dats the one that told me that not too long ago but now has deserted me.

it hurts but i'll get over it. it's ok. i'm stronger now to face all these.

jus wanna say i'm a little disappointed in u.

to all of u, nikki, snam, rum, loll, jell :

hey. i noe things aren't the same anymore but that's ok.

i'm glad to see u guys are happi and doing good.

hope everything's going ok for all of you.

jus wanna say thanks for giving me this chance to be stronger.

i'm veri much grateful for that.

i've learned a lot about our friendship and all the mistakes i've made

i'm reali doing my bestest to change whether u believe it or not.

i'm learning to let it all go.

I jus wanna say that i'm not fighting to hang on to our frenship so much animore.

whatever it is, i still am always going to be here for you guys and i still treat u all as my friends.

and dats wat u'll always be.

i've said all that i've wanted to say, wish u all the best. god bless u.