Please

As I'm typing this, my breathing is ragged.

My eyes are turning misty.

My heart is clenching and unclenching.

I can't take anymore and I know it.

I'm at the breaking point and I know it.

I don't wanna cry.

I don't wanna let it all out but I know I need it.

I hate feeling like this.

There are so many things running around inside my head like a suspended vortex.

I'm not even sure what I'm typing right now.

Am I even making sense?

What I need right now is to cry.

Cry and let it all out.

But I can't cos there's no catalayst.

I need you to break me down.

I need you to force me to talk about it.

I need you to tell me what I don't want to hear.

I need you to resist me pushing you away.

I just fucking need you.

Please.

I gotta do this now cos they're getting louder.

Promise of Abstinence

Today I woke up and decided to take that promise of abstinence.

Abstinence from drinking and smoking and cutting.

I don't drink a lot, just a couple of sips when I get the chance.

I don't smoke a lot either except for the occasional puff of marlboro when i feel like it.

And i haven't cut since April of 2006.

So this promise i'm sealing with you would bring an end to all the puffs and sips and cuts.

for the rest of my life.

I never like making such promises purely based on the fact that I might end up breaking them.

But this morning or rather afternoon, when I got up, I decided to make a final promise.

A promise that I dare say I won't break.

I know I can do it because i've been abstaining from it since april.

The sipping and puffing I can abstain from since it's so occasional it hardly has a hold on my life.

I'm pretty sure I can keep this promise.

Cos frankly, it's about time.

And there's just something about the person I'm sealing this promise with that makes me not want to break it and disappoint.

To said person, (you know who you are) deal's on.

:)

Thank you and I love you

My purpose of posting today is to thank some very special and important people in my life that I've gotten close to in 2006 and the start of 2007.

Firstly, got to mention Fadh.

So here's your little bit:

We got close in such a short space of time.

Yet, you understand more than I can ever comprehend.

And that's saying something.

You're probably one of the few people in my life that can read me like I'm an open book.

Maybe you have an instruction manual hidden somewhere.

Anyway, the fact is, you can somehow guess what I'm feeling or thinking about just by looking at the way I fidget, the slightest tremor in my voice, the slightest look in my eyes.

You see me as I am, with my defences down cos you care enough to knock down all the walls I put up.

I've learnt a lot from you since we got closer.

Like how silence is golden.

And laughter is the best medicine.

And how to have faith be it in friendship or any relationship with anyone you meet.

And many other philosophical and also random things.

So, I just wanna say that I'm thankful that you've graced my life with your prescence and made it that much easier to bear.

Thank you.

Love ya, cinta.

Next, to the one and only, Shaf:

We've gotten much closer in 2006.

You're that twin sister I never had.

You always support me in whatever I do even if sometimes, you think I'm crazy for doing it.

You're my life support system and with you around, life gets a little easier.

Its great knowing that I'll always have you around no matter what different paths we may go to this year.

And yes, ever though you can irritate the hell lot out of me, I still love you;

For being there when no one else was,

For making me believe in myself,

For showing me friendship,

For listening all those times,

For letting me cry on your shoulder,

For laughing with me and crying with me.

You'll always have a special place deep down inside, as cheesy as that sounds.

You're out of this world, E.T.

And I am so lucky to count you as a friend.

Love ya, alien.

And of course to Bani,the colour to my world

And Asy, my confidante

And Gerry, my ink and paper twin

And Bea, my gossip partner

And Farhan, my Mr. Guyfriend

And of course my beloved cousin,Nadia

Thank you all.

G'nite loves.

Harley Davidsons

I was just in the kitchen peeling the skin off chicken drumsticks.

Needless to say, it was gross.

Not to mention slippery and slimy.

I did three drumsticks before giving up seeing as how I would be taking the whole night to finish them since I'm averaging 5 minutes for one drumstick.

(And there were a lot of drumsticks)

In a strange moment of realisation, me and Fadh realise that it's the third week of January and we've been to KFC to visit Bani once each week.

Of course we realised this when we were sitting there and waiting for Bani to finish.

I spent 12 bucks on food and we sinfully indulged in chicken and crispy fattening skin.

And we ate every single last one with Fadh cleaning off the bones for me cos I'm an extremely picky eater and I leave a lot of meat behind for some strange reason or other.

After we were all fed an watered, this conversation happened.

Me: Eh, I need to buy earphones. Is there anywhere here that sells shit like that?

Bani: (thinks for a while.) upstairs ah.

Me: upstairs? ader eh?

Bani: Harley Davidson pe! *shoots me a 'duh' look*

Utter silence for 15 seconds with me and Fadh staring at Bani.

(I was trying to think what a Harley Davidson shop was doing at Tampines Mart and more importantly why it was selling earphones.)

Turns out she meant Harvey Norman and she only figures that out after she sang the tune for the advert on TV.

I laughed my ass off.

The silly things that peopledo to make me laugh.

After all, "laughter is the best medicine."

No matter what I do

No matter what I do, I have to think of you.

It's not always easy to do what I want to do.

Cos your feelings matter in it too.

Honestly sometimes I don't know why I bother cos it's killing me inside.

I just pray to god to grant me that strength to face you every day and keep it all in.

I just hope I can continue taking every hit you shoot at me.

And i hope i can still numb myself.

My dear twin sister I never had,

Where are you?

Everytime I reach out to you, I find myself blocked by this invisible wall.

Maybe we're both been too busy to catch up.

I hope what I think is happening to us isn't gonna happen.

Cos shit like that is not supposed to happen to us.

You know, you'll always have a place in my heart, as cheesy as that sounds.

I just have a freaking soft spot for you basically.

Well, I just gotta say that I miss you like fuck.

And I love ya girl.

Hope you know that.

That look gets me everytime

Anger I can deal with.

But disappointment, that's something I can't deal with.

It's what makes me feel so incomplete and inadequate.

And so not good enough.

I hate that feeling.

That look of disappointment from anyone I love is enough to send me reeling and over the edge.

The thing is, if they throw rage or anger at me, i'll just numb myself and let it bounce off.

It's easy enough once you've mastered the art of putting up a solid wall around your heart so that their bullets just ricochet off and miss their mark.

Anger is subjective.

But disappointment...

Now that's something else.

Anger stings and then you'll probably forget it.

Disappointment haunts you.

As much as I hate hearing "I'm disappointed in you." or see that look coming my way,

I think I'm gonna warrant one of those looks soon.

And when that happens, I can only say I'm sorry and hope that's enough even though I know it isn't.

On a lighter note, working with my family even if it is a pain in the ass at times,

taught me a couple of things I would never find out otherwise.

Here's a little list;

1) One of the main ingredients in making the gravy of mee rebus is curry powder.

2) To make Nasi Lemak, the rice has to be soaked in milk or santan and then left to cook.

3) Onions go rotten in layers. Meaning to say that if you peel the skin off and notice it is rotten, just peel off the rotten layer and you'll have a perfect onion.

4) When an Onion goes bad, the rotten part is white and not black or something.

5) Nuggets can be cooked in portable toasters and it tastes twice as nice and also much healthier with no deep frying involved.

Yup. See all these useful things I have had the fortunate luck to learn.

That's just what the ****

I'm sitting at home while Muse is playing at fort canning right this very instant.

Damn.

I really want to go even though Muse isn't my all-time favourite band but still, its MUSE.

What are the chances of them coming back soon?

The chances of me shaving all my hair off and painting my bald scalp neon orange and then migrating to the Hawaii in a grass skirt is higher.

This is really one of those times when I'm wishing heartily that my dad's a famous rockstar or actor and we're rolling in cash.

(you know like those ball pits at the entrance of IKEA except it's money instead of balls.)

But he's not and we're not rolling in anything and especially not cash.

Still, I had a nice time out today.

I followed Fadh to her interview at The Oriental Hotel.

I ended up waiting for an hour in the carpark for her and her friend to finish.

After that we headed over to the library at the Esplanade.

She learnt a valuable lesson about following me to the library.

I take forever to choose something to read.

Fadh actually remarked that she thought this was how it must feel like to be a boyfriend and wait for your girlfriend when she's choosing something to try on in This Fashion.

I still maintained that since she mostly rearranged her hair and pulled up her jeans and straightened her top with the aid of the glass walls while i was searching, she can't really complain due to the fact she had something to do.

We read or rather she read and I kept interrupting to ask questions and make statements.

We gave up reading since I couldn't stop talking and she couldn't concentrate cos I couldn't shut myself up.

We talked and krapped a bit before she had to go meet Shameen and the others for the Muse concert.

By the time we got to City Hall, it was damn fucking packed.

Probably form everyone who was going to walk to Fort Canning from there.

I felt so small and insignificant and irked out since I'm not going.

After a couple of confusing and vague phonecalls from shameen and i think marr(whom we bumped into with nurul earlier on), it was decided that I was to escort (more of like obliged and forced to) Fadh to the LJS on NorthBridge Road.

Literally escort. And I mean escort all the way up to the door of LJS.

So she won't get lost. (according to her that is.)

After I making sure she met up wit the other Muse concert goers safely, I went home.

So that was my day.

It went okay just like the days before and hopefully the days to come.

Except of course last thursday when my beloved Romie passed away.

I miss him like fuck.

His body was already taken away to be buried then it hit me that he's really gone.

It's just that on wednesday night he was so warm and alive and extra manja with me.

Maybe that was he's way of saying goodbye since he doesn't even make a noise.

Although it's been some time, it's still what the fuck to me.

I Held The Devil's Hand

I'm in a pretty reflective mood today.

I guess it might be because of the rain.

Or it might just be one of those days.

I realised I haven't been thinking deep since the start of the new year.

The thing with me is that I reflect quite often.

My mum says I think too much but then again, that's just who I am.

A deep thinker?

Yeah. Pretty Much.

I haven't found the time to reflect in between work, rest and chilling out with Fadh and Bani.

Hell, I don't even have much time to socialise with anyone else other than those two goons.

And they don't even count cos well, they're goons.

Today, I reflected on mortality.

On how much time God has already given me and how much time I have left.

About life.

How fragile it is and how you can just be snatched away.

I don't know how much time I have left.

Noone does.

The thing is I know that we are all going to die but it just never really hit me that I am going to be six feet under one fine day.

I always take it for granted that I'll wake up the next morning and take another breath.

Hell, I always take it for granted that I'm gonna draw breath again the next second.

But death is real.

And it scares me how I might not have enough time to do all the things I want to do.

It scares me how I might get a chance to tell people things I somehow can't find the courage to say now.

Like how sorry I am for all the hurt and wrong I did them.

And how much I treasure their presence.

And how grateful I am for every single thing they've done for me and for the love and friendship they've given me.

And how much I love them.

(So hey, I love all of you out there kay. my family and my friends.really.literally)

but mostly, I'm scared of not having enough time to seek forgiveness for all the things I did.

For all the sins that I've committed.

And for all the times I've held the Devil's hand.

I Forgot The Simplicity Of Normal

It's been a long time since I last posted.

Fadh's sitting beside me(again) msging and telling me about her "potential" shit.

I'm tuning her out so I get a bit of time to blog.

A lot of things happened with the turn of the new year.
Personally for me, I don't really care much for the new year.

As in I'm just living my life.

Each day is the same but with small twists and surprises.

It's the same story but just a different version.

The first week of the new year's been packed though.

And it slipped through my fingers before I could properly grasp it.

I spent the actual new year lazing around.

The next day me and Fadh went to Bani's workplace.

The plan was to grab a quick bite.

A quick bite turned out to be a six hour stay at KFC.

It's surprising how much you can find out about another person when you're stuck with them for six hours straight and with nothing to do but talk.

It goes to show that you should change your first impressions of people and just let them suprise you.

I guess after all that, it's not surprising that she can just pop over after i get home from work and just chill.

And use the computer since hers "meletop".

Literally.

With the sparks and all.

Mostly Bani comes over too but she's not here today.

And she wasn't there the day Fadh slept over.

It was a Friday.

We ended up sleeping at almost 6 in the morning.

It was a little weird when I woke up and saw her lying on the bed,sleeping her ass off.

Weird but a fact of reality.

Sometimes I'm struck by how far I've come from who I was.

It's not that I'm not happy with who I am now.

Cos I am.

It's just a little surreal.

But surreal in a good way.

If you told me I'd be where I am now a few years back, when I just started in TKGS, i'd laugh out loud at your face.

And i'd tell you I'd never change.

But that's preposterous cos nothing will ever be the same.

And once you or something in your routine changes, you can't change it back.

Life's not alike a car.

It can't go in reverse.

If we could all do that, we'd live to be 80 and still trying to reverse and redo our teen years.

And really, you can't just blame it on life.

Cos honestly, what would life be without the people.

Us actors on this huge stage laid out for us.

And people; they're even more unpredictable than life itself.

In episode nine of Season 1 of One Tree Hill, Lucas said "What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages and dials and registers. And we can only read a few. And those perhaps not accurately."

That quote sums it all up.

I'm getting distracted by a certain someone beside me and it's like some annoying mosquito buzzing continuously so i'd better go and swat it before it starts sucking my precious blood.

All I Want For Christmas Is....

Once again, it's that time of the year.

I always regard Christmas as a personal reminder to me that the year is drawing to an end.

Naturally, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's a nice time of the year nonetheless.

Especially with the current weather.

And what with the happy vibes going around.

I'm waiting for Bani's call to confirm on whether we're going out or she's coming over.

I was thinking of going to town to see the Christmas lights but then I realised that it might be packed and most of the shops will be closed early since it's Christmas Eve.

Bea made me a good offer the other day I bumped into her.

I'm still debating on whether I should accept her offer of working at her work place.

It's a restaurant at the esplanade.

It has plenty of pros but I still gotta think about it.

Charlotte told me to try Cafe Cartel and Farhan said try Taka and Ashraf keeps telling me to work as a helper to pump oil into MRT trains for 12 bucks an hour. (FYI, MRT trains do NOT run on oil)

Irfan just said go out with him to find a job.

I'm leaving it till Tuesday.

If you're being technical, I already have one.

It's just my bad luck to get a job that's not only tiring, but krappy and also has racial discrimination.

Sure, it's a lot to work for 7.50 and hour but 12 hours straight for 6 days is insane.

Not to mention that I got "cheated"(I'm using the word loosely here.) by them twice already and I'm not about to make it a hat trick.

Besides, if I still can't get a job, I'll just help mom out at her new stall at Bartley Sec.

At least I get some to cover my phone bills and save a little for whatever I might need after postings next year.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be Paris Hilton and not have to worry about money.

Missing everything that's anything

Today was a day for me to rekindle old friendships and meet people I haven't met in a long time.

Naturally i went out with Shaf again.

Seems that if i'm not out with her, I'm out with Bani.

Not that i mind.

It's just hard when everybody else is either working or on holiday.

And it doesn't help either that I still can't use my phone.

Meaning that I'm uncontactable.

I really need to get a proper job and not some BS stint in a factory.

I had lunch with Irfan who I vaguely remember from my first primary school.

He turned out to be a really nice guy and it was great getting to know him again after 8 or 9 years of no contact.

After lunch I left Shaf and her guy to go to whitesands.

The plan being to find a job there.

My plan failed miserably when I bumped into Bea.

She dragged me around, walking aimlessly and sipping bubble tea provided generously by her.

It hit me when I was being dragged around the entire first floor by an over-enthusiastic Beatrice whose high on honey green tea, that I really miss school.

I miss eating instant noodles at video world.

I miss bubble tea from the shop near the overhead bridge.

I miss lunch at banquet.

I miss studying in the freezing cold library.

I miss the line of girls primping in the toilets in between lessons and after school.

I miss going to my seat in the morning and getting good morning wishes from everyone around me.

I miss writing 6-way krappy stories during history and SS.

I miss running to get to the class line on time when the music starts.

I miss the music.

I miss the canteen food.

I miss the long bus rides home with the girls.

I miss lessons in general.

I miss not paying attention in class and then regretting it when a spring test springs up.

Basically, i miss all the hype and chaos but most of all, i miss the people especially those I haven't seen or heard from in a long time.

I miss;

Laughing to Asy's jokes and teasing her about James

Joking around or just plain talking to Bani

Gossiping and bitching with Bea

Writing stories and having "witty banter" with Gerry

Arguing on Johnny Depp, Steven Tyler and Orlando Bloom with Renee

Listening to Suriani's rant about her guy

Jillian's hugs and linking arms with her down the corridor

Charlotte's hyper babble during extra e-maths lessons

Trying to concentrate doing sums with Nicole

Mixing up chemicals and testing for gasses with Mabel

And so many other people.

I'm just missing eveything that's anything.

Searching for that breath of a dream

It's been raining on and off these past few days.

It's like the sky can't make up its mind on whether it should drench us mortals on earth or save us the trouble of whipping open battered umbrellas and pulling on warm sweaters.

My mood's kinda like that now.

I just can't seem to decide between melancholic emo or bubbly hyper-ness.

Right now, I'm more of the former.

Although it's a little more than just plain melancholic emo.

It's that same feeling I get from time to time.

That whole detached feeling that I can't describe no matter how hard I try.

I hate it when I get that feeling.

It makes me feel so hollow and empty inside.

And I know it's just a step away from the point where all the demons I try to run away from catches up with me.

I hope to intercept it before it happens.

There's this whole plethora of thoughts racing through my head and a superfluity of disconnected words.

The thing is, I feel inspired but I can't seem to pen down the inspiration that inspired me.

I take a piece of blank paper or open up a new Microsoft Word Document and try to scribble something but I end up with a blank page staring admonishingly back at me.

Also with the now inspired me, I open up my collection of incomplete stories and reread them, hoping to find a silver of the continuing line to the story.

So far, I have failed miserably in the aspect of furthering the story plot but I have tweaked the story a little here and there.

Which in other words means that I change both the protagonist and antagonist's names.

Needless to say, by the end of a year, said story would have seen the likes of fifty or so different versions of its protagonist and antagonist.

I know Shakespeare says "What's in a name?" since "That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.", but I'm more of the opinion that a name does matter.

If you go by the saying which claims that a rose called any other name would still smell as sweet as a rose, you can technically call it any word.

Say for example; "shit".

Now I don't know about you but shit smells like shit to me.

Hmm.

I had a talk with Ira a couple of nights ago.

She's only 12 but she's pretty mature for her age.

I guess that's the outcome of being forced to grow up before you're fully ready.

Somehow, I think I shoulder a little of the burden for that.

It scares me a little when we talk and she shows raw emotion that is unconcealed by her usual wall of concrete.

She hides behind that wall all 24 hours of the day and it's so hard to get her to talk about it or show she's actually feeling something.

It's kinda like me but to a more deeper extent.

I guess that's why everytime her wall comes down for even a fraction of a second, I jump at the chance and fight to hold on to it, listening to every word that has the blessed fortune to cross her lips with an almost indecent ardency.

That reminds me of my mum when she's trying to get me to talk.

The thought elicits a strange concoction of feelings in me.

Something oddly like sadness and something else I can't fine the word to describe.

The people that walk in and out of your life

Dear Sister,

We were united by a mutual friend.

You were the sister I never had.

The one from another mother.

We got so close, and you told me your story.

I told you mine.

We were tied together by the unfathomable bonds of past lives and mistakes.

We held hands and faced the world which at that time seemed so hell bent on breaking each of us into pieces.

I remember we started talking after i visited the grave.

You had a look in your eyes that i couldn't fathom.

Now i realise it was a look of understanding.

You understood more than i can ever comprehend or imagine.

You were older than me, from a different time yet the same world.

That held us together.

Now i don't know where you've gone.

I know deep down that you're out there somewhere.

But i can't seem to find you.

Dear Friend,

You bolted into my life out of nowhere.

When noone else was awake, you stayed awake while i cleaned my room in an attempt to stop the flow of tears.

You never once told me to stop even though it was 3 in the morning.

You understood that i had to do something with my hands.

At that moment, it struck me just how very special you are.

We didn't know each other yet you read me like a book you've read for years.

You knew how to make me feel better even though it's in an unorthodox way.

You taught me so much in such a short space of time.

I remember how we'd talk all the way into the next morning about everything and anything.

Now we just say "hi", trying but failing to close the gaping chasm between us.

At the very least, I am deeply grateful that god graced my life with your prescence even if it was only for a fleeting moment.

Dear Love-d,

Whenever my mind happens to cast on your face, one word appears in bold in my mind -

"whirlwind."

I remeber how fast it all went.

You rivaled Katrina, raging through my life and shaking the very core of my being.

And i fell deeper and harder than i could ever comprehend.

You scared the shit out of me beacuse of how much i loved you in such a short space of time.

I remember how everyone thought i was crazy and i remember thinking i must be too.

It was all over before it even started.

I just wanted to tell you i don't think of you anymore.

Your're me love-d.

in past tense.

I want you to know how good it feels to be able to say that.

Dear Stranger,

I met you on a rainy day at the bus terminal.

I remember you smiled at me, warm and open.

I smiled back and i turned away thinking that was it.

You surprised me when you started talking.

As with typical conversations, you started with something mundane - the weather.

We talked about the falling rain until we exhausted all the adjectives and feelings associated with raindrops.

Then you gave me another smile.

This time reassuring.

And you just talked.

But mostly, you listened.

Somehow, you sensed that i desperately needed someone to just listen.

On that rainy day, sitting on bus 3, i talked more to a stranger than i ever have to any of the people i know.

It's like i know you from a past life or something.

And I just want to thank you for listening.

And i hope that one day, i'll meet if not you, people like you - strangers who's more of a friend.

The people that walk in and out of your life.

Unspoken and Unimaginable

Today is the first day since Monday that i've been at home at night.

The class chalet was great. i love it.

Me and Shaf headed for the chalet at 3 on Monday.

We waited for Anne who appeared with Char and Sheena, to show us directions.

They ended up telling us exactly where it is and went off somewhere.

So with a little apprehension, me and Shaf headed for block K, unit 2001 and found Geraldine Tan and Xinya inside watching the Doha Games.

We both changed and joined them for a while before they left to walk around.

It was extremely dull since everyone was off somewhere else.

So me and Shaf, turned up the fan, blasted the air-con, pulled the curtain shut and watched Chinese opera followed by The Ellen show and Tyra Banks.

It was nice, wrapped up in the knitted blanket and just chilling while waiting for everybody else to return.

By the end of the Tyra show, Char came back with the rest of them and we waited for Gourie before heading to Gashaus at Bugis.

The plan being that we'll hang out there for a while.

We stayed for three songs and went to Macs to get dinner but in the end we ate Nasi Lemak at a food court.

We popped into this shop and they got water guns and funky hats and whatnot.

By 10, we were back at the chalet.

Since there was nothing else to do, we either watched tv or tried to catch a breath of non-existent wind.

12 am saw us all squeeze on the bed, telling ghost stories.

My dad picked me and Shaf up at 1 in the morning so we could come back to my house to sleep.

The next morning, at 8, Shaf woke me up and we got dressed to go back to the chalet.

Nissa, Kiran and Naqiah turned up and we all went shopping for food.

After that, was a mixture of plans since everyone kept on suggesting different things to do.

We ended up separating.

Steph, Clarissa and Sheena went cycling.

Shao Fang, Gourie, Char and Nissa went swimming in the pool.

Anne went to meet her Mum and bought a dress in the process.

Beatrice was supposed to turn up at 1 but came at 5 instead.

me, Shaf, Kiran and Naqiah lazed around gossiping and all before Kiran had to leave.

while waiting for the cyclists to return, me,Naqiah, Shaf, Nissa and Char threw water bombs at each other.

By 6, we decided to get the barbeque started.

8 pm came and went and still, we couldn't even start the fire.

With the charm of some of the girls in the class, we enlisted the help of a guy from the opposite pit who thankfully helped us.

Almost everyone left by 11, leaving only those who are staying overnight.

Me, Jillian, Shaf, Anne and Beatrice gossiped and bitched all the way until 2 in the morning when my dad came to pick me up.

I had a great time talking with all of them.

Anne surprised me cos it was so easy to relate and talk to her.

it was sad to think that at the very last day that the class would be meeting for the year, then we got close.

Maybe it was because it was so hard to infiltrate the cliques.

However, we had lots of fun, talking about a whole host of subjects.

The plan was to meet up this morning for breakfast at Bugis at Macs.

Bea couldn't make it so it was only the 4 of us.

The conversation didn't flow as well since we were all comatose and zombie-like from the continuous late nights.

After a quick breakfast, we all headed off to our own separate beds to sleep,

with the unspoken promise that we would all meet again for shopping trips or just for dinner more times than we all could imagine before last night.

They're Nature's Band-Aids

I just read Fadh's testi for me on friendster.

She made me smile.

So sad to think it'll be another 4 weeks before i get to chat with her again.

unless she has internet connection and a computer there wherever she is?

somehow, i doubt so.

it still amazes me how easy it is to relate to her.

i guess all these years, i never bothered to find out.

and i never bothered to make friends outside of my used-to-be social circle.

Yes, i had connections but not the real friends that will have my back kind.

in a way, sometimes, it IS good to step out of your comfort zone.

granted, i learnt the hard way.

i got pushed into this alien world of almost political dimensions.

a world where you gotta learn how to survive on your own and how to pick yourself up when you've fallen.

I do have a great support system now but mostly, i pick myself up.

i've only ever cried in front of Asy that time in the library when i really couldn't take it anymore and that was in its own twisted way, mortifying.

There's not many people out there who knows the real me, inside out.

except maybe Shaf. and that also, is only a tiny percentage.

Every one of my friends see pieces of me, never the real thing.

That suits me just fine. I prefer to not overload someone with all of my problems or complications. That's also one of the reasons why I have a different bond with each and every one of them. It's like i'm tied to different people with totally different coloured strings.

And the list of special people in my life just keep growing but of course, there's people who walk out of the list but i realise it's no biggie cos they're not the ones that really matter.

Sure it hurts, but for every pain, there's always panadol or maybe just a band-aid,

that comes in the form of the people who REALLY care and matter.

It only takes 15 steps

This week has been good so far.

I've been going out everyday.

Mostly to find a job with Shaf.

Found one actually but then, on that same night, Ashraf told me it's a con company.

Naturally i was inclined to not believe him seeing as how he likes to joke around.

But then, while I was sitting on the fence, he gave me the link to forums where people actually confirmed the fact that the company was a scam by relating their bad experiences.

I also did my own research and I found out that the company's not on any certified company listing or in the yellow pages.

Then, all my doubts were futher erased when Fayyadh whom i was asking about job vacancies, told me the same thing about said company.

I told Shaf and we both decided to forgo the job.

I was relieved actually since that meant i had a whole day to myself at home.

But, once again, my plan was spoiled when Bani asked me hang out with her and Fadh at Pasir Ris Park.

So i met Bani at White Sands and we got her pumps (which after she bought them, realised they were redundant as Shaf had black shoes all along)

And we waited for Fadh who was as usual late again.

The three of us headed for the 4/7 chalet, the plan being that Fadh could go in and say all her hellos and what not before we go hang out at the beach.

In the end, we ended up staying and eating the food they were painstakingly grilling.

The "we" here being Bani and me.

By 9.45 we started walking back to my house to chill and they stayed until 11.45.

It was nice just lounging around and talking, gossiping and laughing and strangely having moments where something deeper comes up.

"It must suck to lose your bestfriend."

"Yeah it does.you know that."

"Yeah i do.It sucks.Like how it sucked when i lost her and how it sucked for you when you lost them. But whatever. I don't care anymore."

"Actually, you still do care."

"Yeah.Like how you still care as well."

It's strange how me and Fadh bond so well.

And to think that there was a time when we saw each other at the bustop on the way to school, she'd raise her eyebrows in acknowledgement and I'd give a half-hearted nod.

She's leaving for Indonesia tomorrow.

I'm kinda going to miss chatting with her on MSN almost every night.

Was supposed to go to SP's concert with her and the guys but it didn't happen since

she had no way of contacting me and i was out with Shaf and her little sister.

The class chalet is on monday and i'm kinda looking forward to it.

I'm missing all my NINERS.

Shaf's already asking me to go through with her the list of things i'm bringing right down to which underwear i'm wearing on what day.

Now that's just crazy.

A right time doesn't exist half the time

Everytime i log on, i tell myself to blog.

at least write a little bit, even if its a few lines.

But, (there's always a but) i never manage to get down to it

due to no fault of my own.

Finally,for the first time in days, the bottom of my screen isn't blinking admonishingly, nagging me to click its orange-filled capacity.

That's part of my daily routine these past days since the last time i ventured out to school for the PAE briefing.

my day would start with me waking up disoriented, wondering why i'm not in school.

by the time i swallowed a late breakfast,mainly hot milo and cocoa pebbles, read the paper and tickled romie and wira under the chin, the clock on the wall would show roughly 2 pm.

Mum would be screaming at me to shower, that is if she happens to be home which is not often these past month or so.

so i'd take a shower and then laze around the house, reading an assortment of things ranging from Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibilty to archie comics and even coloured adverts issued by pizza hut to tempt us mortals into indulging in a slice of yummy cheesy pizza.

I'd read for an hour or so and then switch on the lap top and indulge in playing sims 2, controlling their every move and their lives with a fierce passion derived from the inability to somehow control mine.

The budding relationship between hotshot Carter and shy Krista, as well as the deteriorating marriage of Mary-Sue and Don, would occupy my brain cells for another hour until 5 where i'd stop and watch the Ellen Degeneras show followed by Tyra Banks if i'm up for it.

(this would be the moment when i would severely miss watching Oprah)

The night would be dedicated to watching shows until 10 when i would go online for my nightly rendezvous with Fadhilah and whoever else might just happen to be online.

By 12, Dad would be screaming for me to stop and i'd log off and go watch some movie or other until 3 in the morning when i would finally doze off.

Basically, that's my day. it's falling into such a predictable routine that i feel so encapsuled and restless with a growing need to get away from it all.

Shaf once told me that i run away from everything if i could help it.

Just run away, trying to get away from all of it.

With the misguided notion that if i run away from whatever it is, it won't be able to hurt me.

Knowing shaf, it was her own way of telling me to stop running. to stop being afraid to stare the past in the face, figuratively or literally.

In a way, it kinda worked. I'm not running anymore. maybe just jogging.

dedaun melayang ditiup bayu

menghujani bumi tanpa henti

aku berlari, diiringi daun

ingin kembali

bersendirian begini, aku benci

pelukan mesra, belaian manja

dambaan, harapan hati naluri

ku ingin ia dipenuhi erti

bukan sekadar wadah mengumpul memori

mengapa tidak saja lantang teriaknya

biar aku tahu dari mula

kau hanya berteman bersandarkan sepatah kata

akhirnya aku bersendirian berlari

berlari entah bila sudahnya

saat dikurniakan teman yang benar-benar sejati

Part of some big plan

Have you ever thought that something was gonna last forever

but of course it didn't?

Maybe it's not meant to be cos it's not part of the big plan.

that same plan that was written down before we even existed.

Sometimes, the plan doesn't make sense.

There are times when I myself don't get the plan.

And i question it until i exhaust myself.

And the thing is, until now, i still don't get it.

I just can't get my head wrapped around it.

You know, those points of time when everything around you is just so lucid?

Yesterday, things got so lucid that dejavu was so thick in the air, you could almost taste it.

I was so freaking scared.

I hate it when things like that happen.

I mean once is enough but maybe, it was all part of the plan.

Whatever the plan is, right now, at this moment, i'm liking the plan.

You think you know someone

You think you know someone.

You trusted enough to trust.

It's just like how I thought I knew you.

I thought you'd back off but it just goes to show that you are every bit as bitchy as everyone makes you out to be.

I'm horribly disgusted to even think i used to hang out with you.

God. What was i blinded by?

Honestly, you told me you weren't going to apologise and fine. That's okay.

But i expected you to stop it and back off.

The story's over so why are you raking up the buried hatchet?

Goodness. You're worse than I thought.

And hello, what planet are you living in? What's the point of bitching and hurting innocent bystanders?

only cowards do that and seeing as you're one yourself, it's no wonder that's the path you choose.

and how lame. changing your blogs just so you won't get hate tags from all of us.

cowardice is rife in the air.

and i just realised why you're doing all this.

your name is a perfect acronym to explain this disgusting attitude of yours.

E M M I (with the spaces) = Enhanced Malicious Manipulative Instrument

despicable.

you think you know someone.

In a suspended vortex

I've been so tired.

Spent the whole day curled under the covers in lala land.

i supposed sleeping at 3 talking to some alien *cough*shaf*cough* shouldered part of the blame.

the rest of it goes to the O's.

i've never been more drained and stressed.

i'm amazed my back muscles are still functioning.
i would have thought they'd be all worn our right now.

and my ass is still on me thank goodness.

i half-expected it to drop off after the frostbite i've been suffering from since me and shaf started studying at the airport.

at least O's are gonna be over soon.

just as well. i was getting quite tired of it.

the whole palpitating hearbeat when the paper is in front of you and the killing of brain cells during the entire duration of the paper and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise that you didn't do as well as you thought you did after exhausting all possibilities of answers with your friends afterwards.

now, i don't know.

i just feel a little rebellious.

i hope i don't start anymore new bad habits although i'm itching for a ________.

just to remember what it feels like.

needless to say my mom will kill me if she ever finds out.

actually she found out that time and strangely, she didn't kill me.

must be my lucky day.

right now, i feel like i'm in a suspended vortex.

its so sad to think that what was once there just isn't anymore.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

What would you do if you were given a choice?

A choice between doing what you know is right and doing what you think is right?

in other words, to follow your heart or your head?

what would you do?

would you be prepared to take the risk if you follow your heart?

i can't help thinking whether i'm prepared or not.

i know even if i ask all the people in the world, ultimately the choice has to be made by me.

and i'm so scared of doing what my heart tells me because i don't want to get hurt again.

but then, i can't just walk away and do what i know is right because i want to know what's on the other side of the door.

i want to know if the grass is greener there.

The thought of what if is haunting me.

I know that even after i'm done typing this, i still won't have a clear decision.

the thought of leaving it all up to fate is a little unbearable cos sometimes, you just can't leave things like this all up to fate.

it doesn't go like this.not in that way.

Someone told me "if you want it that badly, go for it. start chasing."

i would if only i didn't fear rejection so much.

i really don't know.

the truth is, i am so tired of loving you.

i wish i could stop but somehow, i just can't.

and i hate myself for it.

It's all about how to get to the next level

It just struck me how life is just like a game.

its all about how you play.

all the things that you do and all the things that you say plus all the decisions that you make can be likened to the moves you make in a game.

its all about your moves.

you are faced with a situation and you play it out.

you use all the resources available to you and you lay out all the best tactics you know.

all these just so you can get to the next level and be one up than the person next to you.

admit it, we all strive and try our best to be the best.

i suppose it's the strangely gratifying feeling you get when you move up a level is what makes us continue playing these almost addictive game.

its almost as though we weigh out all our options and choose the route that we feel will give us the most in return.

sometimes, we get a reward in the form of our heart's desire or some incentive or other but sometimes its just about making the right move.

ironically, the right move may not always be right.

But that is what is so enticing - the fact that we don't know what is on the other side of the door causes us to jump right in and take the risk even though sometimes we get hurt.

just like how we choose a particular route in a game and then we find out its the wrong move to make and we get hurt or worse, our "life" ends.

But unlike a game, our life doesn't end when we make the wrong move.

sure we may get hurt but life goes on.

that's what differs it from World Of Warcraft.

the mere fact that life is a continuous game that you just can't stop playing.

and when you've done all the things you want to do regardless of whether its the right move or not, only then can you say "Checkmate" with pride.

Sidetrack: Nine more papers to go. and next week is one packed week. i keep having to tell myself i can do this just so i don't break down and lose my mind. i don't understand how the generations before me went through O Levels. they make it sound so easy! i know perfectly well that after O's i'm going to be saying the same thing though. the irony of it. Mrs. Hoe would be proud. :) The ride's not even full launched and i already want it to stop. And the scary thing is i can't wait to get off.