I don't want to make you sway

This is my second time blogging today.

Apparently the lure of blogger.com is too great for me to resist.

The Perisher's Sway is playing on and on in my head.

So i just thought i'd do a little dedication.

To:

Shasha, my sister from another mother

Abg Wan, my in-built life support system

Kak Ann, my idol and inspiration

Nadia, my personal SOS

Shafiqah, my pillar of strength

'Asyura, my biggest confidante

Albaniah, the colour to my world

Afiq, the big brother i never had

Raihan, the best telepathic guy friend i can ever wish for

Farhan, my literal life saviour

and lastly, to you. you know who you are.

It's your favourite Perisher's song.

It was you who picked

the pieces up

When I was a broken soul

And then glued me

back together

Returned to me what

others stole

I don't wanna hurt you

I don't wanna make you sway

Like I know I've done before

I will not do it anymore

I've always been a dreamer

I've had my head among

the clouds

Now that I'm coming down

Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend

I hope that's what you wanna be

Are we back now where

it all began?

Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in

When they all blew away

And then tricked them

back into me

You saved me I was

almost dead

Sugar-coated and covered in chocolate

It's already 3.57.

Gotta be getting home soon or i'm gonna be late for buker.

Hope my mum whips up something delish today.

Anyway, i'm at one end of the abysmal row of computers in the school library and those 3 goons are at the other end and laughing their ass off.

Kind of nice to get some alone space without having shaf poke me in the ribs every five minutes or so.

I'm desperately trying to ignore the chilling cold travelling throuh the veins of my fingers, wrapping itself layer by layer over my bones.

I really think the air-con is on too low.

or maybe it's just me.

noone else around me seems to be suffering the effects of severe frostbite.

Hmm.

I'm in a very reflective mood today.

there's quite a tornado ravaging through my brain.

there's just so much i want to say but then i don't want to overkill and besides, don't think my fingers will permit anything lengthy.

Something someone said to me last night right before i close my eyes hit a little nerve i didn't even know existed.

Yet, i admit, what said person told me is full of truth.

which incidentally was the subject in question.

truth.

I learned the hard way that i must always tell the truth.

sure, we all lie but sometimes, a small white lie can turn huge in the blink of an eye.

and that's when you'll be struggling to find a foothold just to keep up with the small little white lie that has morphed into something so huge you barely can believe it.

and then of course there's always the problem that even you will start to believe your own lies.

and trust me when that happens, it's gonna be damn hard to extract the fact from fiction.

Then you'll find yourself living a lie through your teeth and in the end, when it all gets too much(supposing that this happens)

you'll struggle to define the real truth in the first place.

and you fight like shit to keep the lie going.

According to the experts, that's what pathological and serial liars do.

the extreme at which they go to keep their lies going is surprising yet chillingly believable. (but that's the point right?)

my point it that if you have to even travel to other countries and send letters home attached with documents of various acheivements, there is seriously something wrong.

And i suppose the unintended consequence behind this is that you not only deceive your loved ones but technically, you're also deceiving yourself.

And that's just not on.

I'm thinking that in the end, it all comes down to trust.

The fact is that even if you take the effort to sugar-coat and cover your words in chocolate, if people don't trust you, nothing you ever say is going to be taken in by them.

and that is a sad fact.

moral of the story?

Don't abuse the trust someone has granted you because it may take forever for the person to trust you again.

hmm.

enough on the subject for now.

shall explore the depths at which the topic can be exploited at a later time.

When pain is all that you give me

I thought things between us is over.

i thought we could move on.

i thought i could move on.

Why do you keep coming back and hurting me?

why?

i know i did you wrong.

I cursed you to hell.

But you didn't have to say all that about me ok.

Why are you doing this to me?

Why do you keep wanting to hurt me?

i haven't shed a single tear over you and now i'm crying so hard i cant even see the keyboard properly.

I say i hate you but i can't.

why can't god just let me hate you?

won't things be so much easier.

love is so beautiful.

loving you was wonderful.

but i guess god gave me your love so that i can know the true meaning of pain at your hands.

why is god doing this to me?

it's like i haven't suffered enough hurt.

it's like i haven't been through enough pain.

ergh

i hate crying.

Strange as it seems

Finally. Finally all the major papers are past.

Prelims is finally coming to a close after more than a month.

Of course the end of prelims spells the start of a very short-lived celebration by practically

every single one of the sec. 4s.

it's like what ms. lui said, if you want to enjoy, enjoy all you want now because

after the end of the weekend, there will be no more enjoying until after the big O's are over.

so to start of the start of my celebration, i went out wif Iq.

Went home first to freshen up a little and change and then headed over to causeway point to

watch a movie with him.

Being me, i made the mistake of deciding to take the train there.

Now, those who has experienced doing that before will understand why i said its a mistake.

27 stops.

That's the number of stops it took to reach woodlands from pasir ris.

I reached there around 2.40 and waited for him to make his appearance.

I wasn't really nervous but somehow, i could not conjure up the image of his face in my mind.

in simpler words, i can't remember what exactly he looks like.

Then suddenly this tall,thin and fair guy materialised in front of me and grinned.

my first impression of him?

well, he doesn't look 19 for one. he looks about 16 or 17 cos' he has this boyish air around him.

at least the plus point is that he's the kind of guy i get attracted to- tall and lean.

I can't stand buffed guys for some reason.

So we walked into causeway point and i'm just struck by how tall he is.

and when i say that, i mean taller then most average singaporean guys.

So we headed to cathay to get the tickets.

I was tempted to watch heart cos according to shaf, it's worth watching but then again, i didn't want to be crying my heart out in front of iq.

so i thought of watching hot jesse metcalfe in john tucker but we missed the earliest show by 15 minutes so we bought tickets for heart or rather he bought tickets for heart.

then, since he knows i haven't eaten anything since 5 in the morning, he suggested lunch at kfc.

so we had lunch and talked.

I don't know why but its pretty easy talking to him.

we never run out of topics to talk about.

So after that we went up again and went in.

Strange as it seems, we apparently were the only two watching the show.

lolz.

so the show started and then 3 more people showed up so it was only 5 of us.

The show was so sad.

One of the saddest shows i've watched.

There were so many touching moments and i honestly felt like crying but i couldn't cos of iq.

besides, the cinema was too cold.

it was literally freezing.

I'm surprised both of us didn't turn to popsicles.

I was in long sleeves and wearing my converses but i could still feel the cold paralysing my veins.

iq ended up clutching my arm for warmth and there were parts that weren't funny at all but we were laughing.

and hah. he teared a little.

he offered to send me home but that's a little ridiculous cos' he would just have to go all the way back.

anyway, i had a nice time.it was a good start to the celebration bit.

the troublr started on the way home.

i took 168 and i fell asleep and ended up in bedok.

took the train back and then realised that my ez-link card has zilch cents in it so i had to walk home.

it took a freaking half and hour.

but it's good exercise so i'm not complaining.

and iq: i don't care, you are so going to learn how to ice-skate. don't worry about falling down cos' i'm no pro either so between us, there willbe plenty of falls.

Lastly,

to the he-who-must-not-be-named-and-will-henceforth-cease-in-my-life mat rep,

i just have to say that i am not going to bother with the likes of you anymore.

after last night, i've seen your true colours and it disgusts me.

you're one to talk about respect when the first thing you said when i answered the phone was ;

"eh pompuan, kau asal?"

i supposed you'll like it if i call you "eh jantan"?

and your're an MCP. male chauvinist pig.

a sexist.

a player.

and goddamn contradictory.

good riddance.

Anyway, to all the sec 4 people out there, happy enjoying the end of prelims.

preservere. its only a month or so more and then the chains will be lifter and we're all gonna be free.

we can do this.

good night world.

lotsa love.

and remember,always smile.

Sometimes doing what's right hurts

Technically, right now, i'm numb.

indifferent.

I'm not allowing myself to feel.

I've put up this concrete wall around my heart so darts of pain can't penetrate through.

constantly, i'm telling myself that i'm okay.

and that it doesn't hurt.

But that's all bullshit.

it does hurt.

doing what's right hurts.

the moment it dawned on me what i had to do, that concrete wall was already set up.

And when shaf told me what you said to her to tell me,

it hit hard but i just let it bounce off.

I know that if i allow myself to feel, i won't stop crying.

and i know i can't afford that what with prelims still on going.

i've got a sneaking suspicion that i've just let got of something that i should have held on to.

i lacked faith.

And i'm sorry.

I know i've hurt you real bad.

I know I promised you so much yet i went ahead and broke evey single one of them.

i don't know what to say.

If your asking me whether i still love you.

yes. i still do.

a lot.

But i had to do what's right.

even if it hurts like shit.

It's not fair to you to continue letting you feel guilty.

you deserve so much better.

i'm not good enough for you.

I'm too plain. Outdated.

not for you.

you need someone better than me.

I'm sorry it has to come down to this.

I'm sorry i hurt you.

I just got this to say. You're not the only one battered in this.

fuck.

This is why i hate doing what's right.

I hate doing what people want me to do.

Sometimes, fact is, doing what's right hurts.

And he's back in the game

It's 9.21 and i just got home roughly an hour ago.

Lit paper just now went better than i expected owing to the fact that i didn't study.

it was okay though.

partly because i didn't expect the British education system to come out since we've totally exhausted the topic in class.

But, to my utter surprise, it came out.

I could definately hear the sighs of relief all around me.

Renee was actually exclaiming "yes!" and shaking her fist in the air as though she just won the hundred-meter dash.

The unseen sucked though.

I somehow got the feeling that Mrs. Loe set the set text question and Mrs. Hoe set the unseen.

It's kinda typical of her to spring something that unexpected on us.

so then came the moment for the outing.

You could say that it was fun.Another "wow". :)

I thoroughly enjoyed watching shaf panic and turn into a nervous wreck the moment we were dismissed from the hall.

Both of them, being naz and farihin who i'm learning to call in, were supposed to be outside school at the famed TKGS bustop on Haig road at exactly 1 pm.

Since we had to make a detour to the main gate to get our asses out of school, we arrived at the bustop at around 1.30.

no sign of them. not even a shadow.

Naturally, we called and were told they just reached Paya Lebar and were walking to the bustop in question.

But, being them, they got lost and we wasted half an hour walking back and forth from Haig road to Dunman road trying to find them.

When we did find the two goons, tempers as well as the temperature was sky high.

So we got on the bus and walked to East Coast.

Sat down at the food court according to Shaf's sitting plan.

Ate western food then we just chilled at a corner of the park.

Naz was singing and krapping as usual.

I have a good feeling that he's made an enemy in shaf cos' he kept on teasing her and in.

Then we walked to Parkway Parade since both of them have never been there due to the fact that they're west side boys.

Then since it was running late, we decided to head home.

And, being the perfect gentlemen, both of them decided to send us home.

Shaf and in were listening to my iPod and me and naz were just sitting.

(yeah. i can hear you thinking "yeah right" but hey, we're on the bus you know.)

then suddenly in turned to naz;

"Naz. uh...6 years ah. we together ah."

"Oh...So 6 years than ehem 3 months?"

"Yup. Then together register ah."

"haha...ok ok. then after that 9 months ah. same hospital. same operation theatre. side by side."

"Yup. heh."

Honestly. lolz. i was laughing my ass off but shaf didn't get it.

So no more mention of the topic although me and naz kept throwing both of them covert looks.

then, we passed by Changi General Hospital.

"Naz. That's the hospital."

"Nope. I don't want. Gleanagles."

"Shit ah. expensive."

"if you want budget version, go back kampung ah. free. mak bidan ader."

honestly.

Such bright guys but so full of nonsense and krap.

Anyway, me and naz have got a bet going on about those two.

and bie, i've got a feeling i'm going to win and you're going to owe me a movie treat.

:)

I've just got this to say to in; "hey. you're back in the game."

All the best.

The ironies of life

Once again, I am warming the same chair in the same cold library.

History exam just ended about 15 minutes ago.

It went alright by standards.

Much better than disastrous SS.

At least now i'm quite sure i can somehow scrape a pass in combined humans.

Maths earlier in the morning went much better than expected.

The paper was manageable and i found myself wishing heartily that i had bothered to put in the effort to study.

Anyway like what darling bie likes to say, "Let bygones be bygones."

Oh yay. tomorrow is Thursday.

Please let everything be alright so i can meet you tomorrow.

Plus, Shaf is all excited to meet Farihin.

Strange isn't it.

Of all the people on alamak chat. She happened to meet the close friend of Naz.

Fate?

yup. I like to think that fate has a hand in all these.

Speaking of fate, irony is closely tied with fate.

Take this convo between me and Naz.

Randomly saying; "I hate mats and minahs."

silence

"U...I'm a mat."

silence.

Oh dear god. I fell in love with a mat. a mat rep somemore.

lolz.

I know all those who know me will see the humour in this.

Since, i make my sentiments on mats and minahs known to one and all.

This is what you call the irony of life.

Thank You

I know I'm supposed to be studying.

Yes bie i know you want me to focus and study my ass off.

But, right now, my brain really can't take in anymore about any kind of war and political reforms and whatnot.

so the hols just flew by.

and before i could properly grasp it, it slipped through my fingers.

I had one hell of a time yesterday.

Yup i acknowledged that my feet is suffering from the mother of all blisters and it's aching like shit. (the effects of trying to walk from the esplanade to orchard via fort canning park.Yes, i know the government created transportation systems like the MRT for a reason but we just wanted to walk)

BUT

all of that is worth every single second of the day i had with you yesterday.

The only word i can think of to describe yesterday is "wow" and actually, that's not even a word.

anyway, my purpose blogging today is to thank all the people that have been in my life.

Thank you to:

Ibu, for teaching me the meaning of life and how to smile

Ayah, for teaching me how to face the world head on and how to be a better person

Ira, my darling sister for everything and every night you stayed awake listening to me

Nazirul Muzakir, for showing me true love and for loving me with all your heart and soul

Shasha, my sister from another mother

Abg Wan, my SOS and my life saver

Raihan, my telepathic best guy friend

Afiq, my long lost big brother

Nadia, my closest cousin ever

Shafiqah, my pillar of strength

'Asyura, my confidant and longest friend

Albaniah, my very own Dolby surroud sound loudspeaker and my colour pencil

Syazana, my queen of sarcasm and my first saviour

Nashitah, my hazel-eyed princess and the friend that knows me most

Amirah, my ray of sunshine and another friend that knows me the most

Safinaz, my chill-out-to-music radiohead fanatic buddy

Farhana, my hyper driven one of a kind feline friend

Zawani, my blur yet so all knowing friend and my pull back to earth during that monday on the stairs

Beatrice, my bitching partner and in-built entertainment system

Gerry, my fellow Torres lover and my ink and paper twin

Abby, my hug-you-tight-until-you-die classmate

and everyone else that i might have missed out.

I love all of you and i can't imagine my life without any of you.

toodles love.

Love at first sight does exist

Whoa. The events of the past 2 days has left me reeling.

but, in a good way.

However, before i start,

a shoutout to one Muhd Baihaqi Ilham Mohd Wan Hakim:

I truly have nothing to say to you.

I realised that our relationship was just based purely on lust.

I find myself doubting whether i have ever really loved you or i was just with you because i felt good and needed.

I knew then that it's the end.

A relationship based purely on lust will never last.

So suffice to say, ours just didn't.

I can't even remember when we last had a proper conversation.

The only thing i remember is that rush of adrenalin and that whirlwind of kisses.

It's over Haqi.

I realised that you're not the one i really want.

You don't and never have appreciated me.

Sure, we had good times but it's not enough.

I want someone who will love me more than the sands on the seabed and more than the stars in the sky and more than every breath he takes.

Sure, you said you did but you never showed it.

You never got the fact that it's the little things that you do that truly matters.

somehow, my "prince charming" turned out to be a rusted tin man.

So,with that, i wish you all the best and may you find a girl who, you will love with all your heart.

please move on and stop bugging me.

Moving on, there's this poem i found on the internet that ends with the line "if you believe in love at first sight, you will never stop looking."

I never really believed in love at first sight.

until it happened to me.

I know it's strange and some people may not understand.

after all, i only got to know you 2 days ago and i've never even met you.

But, i'd like to think that it was fate that somehow made me click on your screen name in the chat room and it was also fate that made you decide to call me when you had 3 other numbers to call.

It's like you said, " sometimes feelings can appear when you least expect it and in very strange situations."

i'm still reeling.

It's just that feeling that is so hard to describe and only those who have been through it will know what i'm talking about.

As i'm typing this, i'm missing you a lot.

and it's really strange but somehow, i got a feeling you're the prince charming i've been waiting for.

I only have this to say to you:

"Cinta adalah anugerah yang kuasa.

Dan bila terasa betapa indahnya cinta pandang pertama.

Andai ku bisa, akan ku balas semua yang pernah engkau berikan.

Terima kasih dariku atas ketulusanmu menyayangi diriku."

[Love is a gift from god. And when you feel how wonderful love at first sight is.If i could, i would repay all that you have ever granted me. Thank you from me for your sincerity in loving me.]

So thank you for loving me Muhammad Nazirul Muzakir Muhammad Yusof.

Paint the lily

Heh. I expected a lot of tags after that last post of mine.

Anyway, just to clear things up, that post was just my own way of answering all the questions that are left hanging.

Mrs. Yeo said i should answer all this questions.

And so i did.

I don't see the harm in answering questions that would otherwise be left unanswered.

if no one wants to answer, then might as well i answer them right?

anyway, i assure you that i'm getting extremely tired with all this so this is going to be the last ever shit on the subject that you will hear from me.

And nikki dearest, what answer did you give me??

Cos truly, i don't remember you telling me WHY it was so long.

That's all i want to know. Why.

I'm not stupid enough or fool enough to think that tings are gonna get past what it is know.

And hey, i acknowledged my mistakes. Yes, i walked away.

But then, you just let me didn't you?

so honestly, its a two-way kinda thing.

We both made mistakes.

I acknowledged that i did. But will you ever?

I don't think so.

But no matter.

It makes no difference.

Cos now it just hit me that the answer i wanted, is never going to come.

And what's this rubbish about pets? i only have one pet and that is Kiara the kitty.

I know you've got feelings too cos you're humans. Just like me.

you're actually gonna tell that to me? of all people when you of all people should know full well the extent to which i understand feelings seeing as how i can read yours with no problem.

Heh. strange isn't it?

how life twists you in its little game.

I can say that i really really CANNOT wait to move on to another school and make new friends.

cos then, i won't have to see you again and get reminded of old times.

its called moving on and hey, i fully embrace it with open arms.

actually, truth is, i have moved on.

i moved on a long time ago when i realised that you're not coming back. (i think a part of me always realised it.)

Heh, nikki, you said it yourself. I've moved on with my life and i'm much happier now.

thank the good lord.

so anyway, thank you all of you for having some sort of impact on my life. The ride was sweet and cool while it lasted. gotta give you kudos for putting up with me all those times.

I truly salute you and especially your patience. And i mean every word i say.

Moving on from dysfunctional friendships and all that drama,

I went back to see Dr. Fung yesterday.

You know the thing i absolutely detest about hospitals is the waiting time.

I mean seriously, everytime i have an appointment with him, we gotta wait about 2 hours or so.

And the ironic thing is that the actual consultation lasts about 5 minutes.

Basically what he does is just ask a couple of routine questions, ask me to extend my arms to check for shaking and then promptly prescribes another month's worth of fluoxetine which is basically a nicer way of saying prozac.

This time round however, he decided to do me a favour and took me off the prozac (finally. Thank god.)and then he gave me something for the migraines i've been having.

So then we, being me and my mum, headed off to the counter tingy to fix another appointment.

Met a couple of nurses along the way.

I'm surprised they still knew my name.

Anway, its a bit strange the way they look at you. They have this wary look in their eyes and their expressions show just how tired they all are of dealing with patients like me.

I guess taking care of us is a lot of hard work.

gotta give them credit for the level of dedication they put into their work.

I'll admit, even i won't be able to stand kids like Brandon.

And god, i hope it never crosses their mind to employ someone like me cos i'll just lose all the keys seeing as how all the doors in and out of the place has to be locked and there are just so many layers of doors.

Actually, i kinda look forward to going back there.

Not because i have a crush on Dr Fung or something. (sorry but that's just way out of line.)

I look forward to the clamness and tranquility the place exudes.

It's a nice place really.

One where you can gather your thoughts and just relax.

I remember when I was there, we had group therapy and all that.

It was fun just doing simple things like painting and making pizza.

I remember how Ryan taught me how to make a dessert pizza which consisted of kaya spread on the base and peaches on top and then eating it with a generous scoop of chocolate ice cream when it's fresh out of the oven.

yummy.

We had lotsa good times playing scrabble too.

I remember how Seng Ho outwitted all of us.

Strange thing is, we all were good in english seeing as how we ALL take pure literature.

weird right?

coincidence?

i like to think it was karma that brought as all together at the same time at the sunrise wing of the hospital.

Karma helped us all bond together and share our troubles.

It was there, on the green coloured sofas, surrounded by dancing flowers on the walls, we all let go of all our inhibitions.

And it helped. a lot.

We still keep in touch even now.

Me, xin min, Ginger and Li Choo.

Friends that i have made through Karma's hand.

Sometimes, when i tell people i made friends there, they give me this sceptical look and i know they don't believe me cos to them, how can people with my condition be able to extend hands towards each other.

But they forgot, friendship doesn't discriminate.

It can be found anywhere and everywhere.

We're living proof.

Denial is painful

Sigh.

ok u know what, i am going to let off all the fucking steam i have kept in to myself for 4 months and 25 days.

geez. mrs yeo is right. i am doing a lot of counting these days.

wat's 4 months and 25 days you ask?

that's how long it's been.

That long? i hear you ask.

yes. it's been that long.

Can you just do me one favour, just answer this one simple question for me.

Why?

why did it take so long?

remember after that day when i walked away, we had a session with mrs yeo, you and you and you and me.

and on the way home, it was as though nothing ever happened.

you sat beside me when the seat next to you was vacated and we talked like normal. Like everyday. You told me about ashik and we laughed and talked.

then we took the bus home and as usual, u gave me my goodbye hug and i watched you cross the road. You turned and waved goodbye with that smile of yours and i headed home.

Then all of a sudden, the next day, it was like this huge gigantic brick wall was erected between us.

You avoided my eyes and i knew then that you all wanted space. distance.

so i granted you that.

It hurt to know that the space included cancelling my name off foolscapes and relabeling me as loser instead. and even one of you wishing me dead when i didn't come to school one day. or that you made out that you only had one best friend.

where did you go?

you were supposed to be my best friend.

i was a wreck okay.

a real wreck.

even my mum was shocked that i got affected so badly.

even goddamn teachers started being nicer to me, patting my shoulder, telling me it's all gonna be okay because i have my friends around me.

but i had noone.

for the first time since 3 years and 4 months and 2 days, (counting again. haha.) i had to grapple my way through life like a blind man.

i had to find footholds when nothing was there for me to foothold on.

But somehow, i survived even with all the hurt and pain and with seeing you all having the time of your lives. together.

you asked me why i didn't make the first move.

because i was scared. i was terrified that you would reject me and push me way. But still, i tried. i tried but then i stopped trying when you said that nothing i say has any effect on you anymore.

besides, there were six of you.

last time i heard, six is definately bigger than one.

you had each other for support. maybe that's why you didn't feel what i felt.

I wondered why you see.

you said you're glad we're not best friends anymore because life seems easier. and then you thanked me for the ride.

its like you already reached a decision to just let it go.

and i felt so stupid cos it seems like i'm the only one that's still fighting to somehow salvage whatever pieces that's left.

why did you give up so easily. whatever happened to "i promise i'll stick with you through thick and thin." ? i just can't help wondering.

You asked me why i keep bringing up the pain i feel everytime when i'm not the only one who was battered in this whole thing.

truth is, i want an answer. i want to know why.

make me understand why.

not why you left.

why it took so long for you to even look at me let alone talk.

enlighten me.

grant me understanding.

make me understand why then maybe, just maybe, i can fully let you go and accept that the ride is truly over.

To be a kid again

Heh. More hate tags.

Oh well, i'm thankful cos it shows that at least people bother to pay attention and actually take the time to react.

Weird. people will always be people.

honestly, i'm not fussed. universal popularity ain't everything and i know that i can't possibly please everyone.

But i know that all those who know me know that i'm generally like that and i say shit like that .

So i'm really not going to bother anymore.

Tag all you want.

It's YOUR own time you're wasting not mine.

And besides, i know dearest shasha is incredibly happy to have some subjects to test her prowess on.

So shasha, go ahead man, go flood my tagboard since it's "addictive" right?? lolz.

Moving on from ridiculously silly tagboard wars,

i went out with shaf just now to study ss since prelims officially start tomorrow.

plonked (love that word for some strange reason) ourselves at the macs at tamp.

And we didn't even open our books.

I was busy reading chicken soup and she was busy wasting my iPod battery and doodling.

We were like "let's study at 3."

3 became 3.30 and in the end, we just gave up.

And so we went off to town to just walk around.

I brought her to Takashimaya's 4th level to that adorable toy shop that smells of ikea according to her.

and we laughed ourselves silly playing with the games and stuffed animals there.

it was fun.

sometimes, i think it's all worth it just to be a kid again to get to experience that kinda of pure fun in the simplest of things.

So yeah, we walked around other parts of town for a bit then headed off home.

And i spent the next hour or so cramming stuff into my already crammed brain.

boy, i am going to be so glad when the big O's are over.

And somehow, i'm beginning to get the feeling that maybe, english teacher isn't the only book i'll be burning at the end of the year.

Take me as I am

Well, i just read those tags posted on my tagboard.

Hmm.

interesting food for thought.

anyway, i'm not going to waste any time defending myself or what I said.

But;

i've just got this to say:

I am who i am and hell, if you can't take that, that is unfortunately your loss.

Thing is, i've gotten much worse shit than that and i've learned not to let it affect me.

swallow the meat and not the bones. :)

I know who i am and my friends know who i am and that's good enough for me.

Hmm...

though, i got a feeling i know who you might be 'cool'.

I got a very good feeling who you are but hey, i'll let you have the benefit of the doubt huh?

anyway, i've always said that I tend to read too much between the lines.

I'm taking a tiny break from studying. Been studying since 5 or something and my brain is exhausted from trying to cramp Venice into my brain cells.

You know, everytime i think of brain cells and memory, i think of those grey metal filing cabinets filled with loads of files.

then anytime you want to extract a memory, the right drawer will open and a file will emerge and you get your memory.

heh. weird. but then, that's just me.

I've got a couple of shout outs to a couple of people:

Xin Min: Hey girl. Don't be afraid. I know what it's like to have to depend on meds for a long period of time. But look at it this way, if it makes you better, go for it. it's a huge step to take and i know you hate to go back to that goddamn sterile place but really, let the doctors give you something to help. you'll get better so much faster.all the best darling. much love from me.

Nadia: Hey darling! it's been such a long time since we talked. I know it's kinda hard with our schedules being the way they are, but we should try meet up sometime. I know you've got a hell lot going on in there and hey, its not good keeping it in kay. I know we generally don't talk about that kinda stuffs but i want you to know that i'm here for you if you ever need me. take care. much love from me.

Shasha: Thanks girl for making me feel better. you really are a gem! geez, i wonder what i would do without people like you to colour my life. heh.and hey! you still owe me lunch and coffee. after my o's yeah? :) take care. Love ya to bits gorgeous.

that's all i gotta say.

night all. Sail into the unknown in your dreams.

and hey, reach out for the stars.

If you had 15 seconds

Today was a jam-packed day.

full of nerves and strangely, lotsa support and love and motivation.

I shall start at the begining then shall i?

well, the journey to school is as usual a little uneventful except for the same-old stories about farhan or abbas or james or awie(is that how you spell his name asy?) or idris or kamarul or zul or(recently added to the list) ayie or haqi or khai and of course how could i forget the (uncute in my opinion) zafir.

yes yes, i know that's a whole lot of guys. what can i say? we're all hott and gorgeous and sexy so naturally we rein in the testosterones. :)

so 1st period was english which we were all treated to a highly descriptive and detailed version of gerry's oral exam yesterday and which caused me to lose my mood for the entire day after that.

2nd period was supposed to be PE and since i didn't want to run, i was thinking of going to the sickbay but then i remembered that Mrs. Yeo wanted to see me so i might as well go troop along to her room and see her. i mean, better get it over and done with right?

so we talked and she agreed that my idea wasn't such a bad one although she did warn me to expect the worst. she said sometimes, we all just gotta be a little pessimistic.

so after the bell rang for 3rd period, i went back to class only to leave again to see Mdm Lee.

she had a nice heart-to-heart talk with me.

weird i know but she just listened while i cried my heart out about everything.

the lack of money. the uncertainty on whether i can ever continue my studies, which incidentally is why i really really REALLY need that UWC scholarship. and also the helplessness i feel watching my parents struggle for just that pathetic scrap of gold in the form of a dollar coin.

she told me straight that although my intention to quit school and help out financially is noble, it won't benefit me and besides, my parents are giving it their all to keep me in school so i really shouldn't put that to waste.

she held my hand and told me that i could do it no matter how horrible my maths grades are and that's because she knows that deep down, i have it in me and she has faith in me.

(that only made me cry harder really)

She told me to never give up and keep on fighting for my dreams.

At the end of it, she let me off and suddenly, without really knowing why, i kinda asked for a hug and she smiled and said "of course" and hugged me tight for a second or two, not caring that my tears were staining her shirt.

Thank you Mdm Lee.

So after recess was double bio and chem.

and Mrs Ngin, gave us another motivational talk that got me all inspired and motivated. She never fails to make me and the rest of us, feel that way.

I think the school should have more teachers like her just so that we students get the right motivation to study.

I will always remember that there's a star in me.

Thank you Mrs Ngin.

And damn, there was that time for oral.

time is one annoying thing really, when you're dreading something, it has this irritating habit of speeding up.ergh.

i was the last to go so naturally, i had a long wait.

slowly, people dwindled out of the hall until there was only me and Tian left.

I looked over at her and gave her the thumbs up and then we were ready to go.

my first thought when i saw the picture was "oh fuck".

i mean it's not a totally incoherent picture. just, very difficult to describe.

so i read and told myself to not make all the stupid mistakes i always make like reading too fast.

then before i could grasp my answers properly it was time.

i tell you, the walk up to the examiner's table was excruciating.

it also doesn't help that they are looking at you as though they think you're a stubborn piece of dirt on their shoe.

And i read and damn i made that same stupid mistake of reading as though i'm trying to catch after a speeding bullet.

geez. after all that psycho talk to myself, it was all such a waste.

And i am pretty sure i screwed up the picture section because i said it was a chinese new year sale. I mean do department stores have CNY sales?!??

ergh. could have killed myself.

i just totally forgot all that i planned to say and i honestly thought that the examiners were a bit shall i say in pain and wincing? cos they were looking as though they got dildos stuck up their asses and nostrils.

not that they had. i mean even if they did, i won't be able to see but that's besides the point.

so next was the convo.

it went okay i suppose. the topic was not too hard. shopping.

i just blabbed non-stop and i think i overused a couple of words like 'retail therapy' and 'addictive' and 'waste of time'

but all in all, i think i might be able to scrape a decent grade. i need to. think UWC scholarship.

so after the exam, me and shaf decided to really do some retail therapy and we went up to century square's department store and hehe, we had shall i dare say fun?

we tried out clothes that i swear to god we wouldn't have dared try if our mother's knew.

but hey, they make us look incredibly HOTT and GORGEOUS and SEXAYE. really.

i tried on this super super super mini skirt with a gorgeous halter top and shaf had the same skirt with this hott black top that i'm sure will send cum flying if i may be allowed to be direct. :)

and then we headed over to This Fashion and tried on some more clothes. all evidence of this is imprinted on my phone.

heh, i lurrvee shopping with her. It's like i'm not afraid to show what i like and try out stuff i wouldn't normally try and give my opinions on stuffs.

So yeah. She got on 3 with me and it was hilarious the way we were talking to each other on the phone when we were only 2 meters apart due to the fact that she joined the queue late.

oh and she said something that made me smile.

"That's what i like about you. The fact that you can read other people so easily and relate to them. Like how you can know what someone's down and more importantly why they're down. You're a gift from god girl."

heh. yup. i like that part of me too. it seems like i've gotten more perceptive and observant. maybe 4 months and 21 days taught me all i needed to know.

Anyway, like what i told lollie, after having my own wounds opened up and examined like i'm some corpse being subjected to a post mortem has thought me how to open up the wounds of others and let them feel the pain so they can move on.

A thought: "if you knew i had 15 seconds to live, what would you tell me?"

haqi: "I'll tell you that i love you. more than the stars in the sky, more than every breath i take and more than life itself." :)

bie, did i ever mention to you how adorably sweet and romantic you can be?

anyway, this post is long enough so i'll take my leave.

goodnight world.

much love to all my loves.

Waiting for forever

I had a great time just now. Like always.

You just never fail to make my day.

As usual on every tues and wed, i'll drop by his house.

so today was no different.

Headed over to his house after i sent shaf home cos that poor girl got a serious headache.

Honestly, the number of ailments she has amazes me.

so yeah, reached his house and lounged around on the bed while waiting for the pizza to come.

and just when things were starting to get a little hot, the pizza delivery guy rang the doorbell.

damn.

We dragged the entire box (after leaving some for Is and Ari in the kitchen) up to his room.

and by a sudden goddknowswhathithim stroke of inspiration, he decided we should watch the notebook(yes the notebook. yes. i know. the notebook.) while devouring the pizza which as usual is half hawaiian and half BBQ Chicken

so naturally, he pulled a slice of hawaiian and started picking out all the pineapples and mutely handing it to me when he's done and waiting patiently while i pick out all the capsicums for him from the BBQ Chicken side.

lolz...its a kinda habit we developed after sharing so many pizzas.

so there we were cuddled under the covers with the air-con on full blast and watching notebook(of all things)

since i was pretty tired, i fell asleep 10 mins into the movie.

(I must say that it's quite comfy. :) )

and i woke up to him cursing at Noah and Allie abt how they didnt have enough make up sex. (WTF?? They were at it the whole night bie you horny dude!)

and he teared quite a bit too nearing the end of the movie and there i was laughing my head off at him.

tsk. sometimes, i can't help wondering who is the man exactly.

Bie, u just make me fall in love with you more each day. :)

aniwei, enough about that.

do you know that i can't remember what you look like sometimes?

especially when I'm reflecting.

there's a saying that the stronger you feel about someone, the harder it is to picture their face when you are away from them.

and it's true. i reali can't seem to form the contours of your face when i try to.

i can't seem to capture how your hair frames your face and that twinkle in your hazel eyes.

I can't remember you also. I can't seem to get the way you have that same twinkle in your eye in my mind. The way you smile in that half-grin of yours.

maybe, i'm not supposed to be able to remember how you look.

hmm.

I was looking into the mirror (no shaf, i was not exclaiming at how gorgeous i am) when i realised that i had the look of someone who is waiting.

i'm still waiting for you to come back even though i know you're never going to.

i'm still holding out for something that isn't going to happen.

release me. let me go.

so i don't have to wait anymore.

Remember the pain and stay with it

Have you ever wondered why relationships just fall apart?

I mean you could have something really special with someone. Something only both of you share.

The depth of which noone else will understand.

And i suppose that's when your relationship points are a 100%, rather like in Sims.

But then again, what went wrong?

The solution is simple really.

More often than not, we all forget this common enemy we all have - Time.

There's this saying by Stephen King: "Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

So my point is: "Time takes it all whether we want it to or not."

Because of time, even the closest of relationships fall apart and disintegrate and thus "in the end there is only darkness"

And why is this so?

we humans, fail to realise that it matters not how much time you spend together. Friendship and especially love, is not defined in that way.

Just because you stay together with someone, doesn't mean that your relationship with said person is going well.

What is more important is the substance. What is the point of being in constant company with each other but substance, the most important ingredient of any relationship is reduced to taking about guys and their various distinctive antomies?

My point is, take the time to tell each other about ordinary things for even ordinary things can turn extraordinary.

And if you keep on searching for things to talk about, as in wonder what to talk about, you will never find it.

Don't search for it. Let it come naturally.

If you force something to occur, it is not sincere.

That unfortunately is a lesson we all have to learn.

So to all those whose relationships are rocky or fading away, take steps to get it back.

Before it fades away and is gone forever.

regretting then is pointless.

So before it slips through your fingers, snatch it safely and hold on.

Just imagine that person whose realtionship you have with supposedly dies tomorrow.

What would you feel?

Do you feel that pain?

that horrible pain that claws at your insides and tears you up inside.

now, stay with the pain.

someone once told me that pain is good if you learn to use it to your own advantage.

Why let something control you?

Are we staying with the pain?

good.

imagine the regret you feel. if only you had taken steps to ensure that your relationship never slipped away.

but then it'll be too late right?

so my point is, if you ever doubt a relationship or most importantly a friendship, remember that pain and stay with it.

It'll help you remember what you will stand to lose cos fact is, in life,nothing lasts forever and you never know when it may be taken away from you.

wow. i sound so deep.

hmm, i hope i've made things for those in question.

trust me, you do NOT want to learn it the hard way like me.

toodles loves.

and a shoutout to one special person : Muhammad Baihaqi Ilham Bin Muhammad Wan Hakim.

Bie, i love you.

good night stars.