Let's just not go there

I am severely jealous of my sister. She has completed all of her work and she's spent the last 2 weeks watching various shows online.
She just started on Gossip Girl because she finished Project Runway and ANTM and god knows what else.
Did I mention that she's only 14?!?
I was never that zealous when I was 14 for god's sake.
There must be something off with the cosmic balance because I need to be zealous and turn into a nerd but I am not.
What the hell is wrong with me?
ergh.


I shall not even go anywhere near explaining my day.
It's just not even worth it and besides, it will just make me even more irked.
I think the only highlight was meeting Sue to get my book back from her and seeing the look on her face when I gave her the fantabulous present I made. :)
A special 18 picture (cos she's 18) TOP collage (cos he's always on TOP of her list.) and a few Big Bang pictures too.
It was greatly satisfying and I feel extremely accomplished.
So Sue, Happy Birthday again!
Make an awesome collage for my bdae too okay?!? Donghae would be nice. Or you can just buy me Donghae himself. :)


Okay, I'm off to study a bit before sleeping because I promised Dilah I would.
She thinks I don't take care of myself enough. I think so too.
Then I think she'll kill me if she finds out that I'm sleeping less than 7 hours a day and not eating properly cos I've just got no appetite.


Randomly, I think this is super cute and kinda hot. heh.
They're all wearing Big Bang Boxers! :)

Gomawayo

I feel extremely light headed and disorientated.
It's almost 5 in the morning and I'm in need of sleep even though the coffee has done a good job in keeping me awake long enough to complete mindmapping lecture 7.


After I posted that last post, I forced myself to continue mindmapping, to at least fill up the whole page even though I'm so tired and my brain is like a pile of smoosh or something equally disgusting.
I'd actually let videos load while I work so I can watch after I'm done.
Was going to watch Goong(Princess Hours), but I decided it was too much to take in so I decided to complete watching Idol World starring Suju T and I'm glad I did. :)
I feel a little better because they made me laugh so much.
I was literally shaking with the effort of trying to hold my laughter in because my sister is sleeping on the bed at the other end of the room.
I just really really am thankful that I got to know them because nobody can make me laugh like Super Junior can.
They are such dorks and losers and so hilariously funny that it's unbelievable sometimes. -_-
Still, thank you Lee Soo Man for forming them and letting them debut even though I still disagree with your decision to split them up into sub groups and sending half of them to China (with my beloved Donghae as well...).
And even though SJ have been disappointing me this past few months due to their split up nature and lack of togetherness and new exciting singles and songs (like BB and Battle), I've just got this to say;
Super Junior, gomawayo. Sarangheyo. :)

I'd rather have it tested and true

I'm starting to feel extremely jittery and scared shit, not to mention nervous that Prelim 1 is in about 10 days and I am extremely not prepared.
I'm even more freaked out by the fact that I'm not in total panic mode yet by now.
I've still got a ton to do and the whole thing just seems so daunting that I just don't know where to start.
I haven't finished mindmapping my history notes and I've got to get it done by Sunday(which is impossible) so I can go through it and hopefully get something in my head.
History is just killing me right now because there is no way I can bullshit my way through a paper if I don't know my facts properly.
At least I feel sort of secure for lit because it's something that doesn't scare me but History and the past and all the freaking wars and mistakes and countries all over the place is terrifying me.


There's this part of me that feels like just screwing this and just not caring.
I want to do the things I want to do like stay in bed the whole day and sleep or just watch vidoes and online TV the whole day, read 10 books in a day because I can.
I want to go somewhere, anywhere, that's not here.
Maybe some exotic place, some uncharted island or the Alps, the ivory coasts, underwater
where I can just forget everything because the future is really just this big huge dark looming mass that just seems impossible to me.
I need school to start again because then I'll have something to distract me from all this thinking and thinking and thinking.


I just feel like breaking down right now because I can't stand anymore of this.
I'm getting exhausted and so drained of fighting my own self and I can't even get my head over how ironic that is.


And it's dawning on me that as the days go by, I'm getting more and more cynical and jaded.
Of life, of the value of trust, of the value of genuine friendship, of love, of people, of everything.
I see myself sometimes like as though I'm a robot on a mechanical drive, doing things just because I have to and getting by because that is what is expected of me.
I find myself searching for the reason, the meaning, the zest.
And I can't find it.
I've shielded myself with this whole layer of cynicism and concrete walls and for the most part, I always manage to protect myself, to run away and indulge in some form of escapism, at least for a while before I'll have to bear the consequences of pushing it all away.
But as it always is with life, there's a catch.
Being cynical and jaded doesn't come without a price.
Because the only way for you to not get hurt is by not letting anyone in at all.
And that's the price I'm paying, the reason for my cynicism and my almost "contempt dislike" of social interactions with particular people.
It's just so much easier to keep everyone away.


And of course, the most bitter irony is the fact that even though I'm starting to reach that level of cynical and jaded as hell, and I tell myself I don't give a damn about the people that have disappointed, that don't show up,
despite all that, the most bitter irony is the fact that I still care, I still love and I still miss.

Look only at me

It's almost 3.15 in the morning and I'm in a mood that is too chipper for such an insane time.
It's probably from all the Battle and Big Bang and Youngbae playing on repeat on my iTunes.
And it's making me really happy and in a good mood. :)
I've even transfered ringtones onto my phone so that BB's With U can be my message alert tone and YB's Gido is my alarm and his Look only at me is my ringtone. :)
Hahah. My sister said I'm certified crazy.
But I can't help it. I think YB is super hotstuffs. heh.
And his songs are so addictive! (so is Battle and BB.heh)
Even dilah is getting into it.
I got so super excited because she was asking for more and more YB and Big Bang MVs when I gave her the link to With U. :)
Thanks cinta! You made my day that night. (how totally paradoxical. -_-)
Oh and sue's got her HOT album and I'm freaking jealous and envious because I want it really badly but I'm so broke it's impossible.
Besides, yesasia needs a freaking credit card and I don't have one. sheesh.
Nevermind, I'll just get it when I start working and earn lots of money to splurge.

And because I've been totally addicted to their songs this past few days, I'll do a mini pic spam. :)

Battle!Lio, Hwichan, Taehwa!!, Ryu and Chris :)

Taehwa looks adorable. :)


And Big Bang!Daesung, YB, TOP, GD and Seungri. :)



And of course, there has to be Youngbae photos. hee.


:)


It's almost 4.30 now and I'm off to bed before YB wakes me up at 7 plus.
Night world.
Sweet dreams.

For tonight, I'm only meant to know

You know how life works in weird ways and one moment you're laughing your heart
out and the next moment you're scared shitless and you feel totally off balance?
I had one of those kinds of days on Wednesday.
I can't remember what happened throughout the day.
I only remember studying with my sister in the living room, singing aloud to Secondhand Serenade and Mayday Parade and laughing over some stupid thing when Li called and I swear it
just threw me off balance.
When I heard that fiqa got into a pretty bad accident, the first thing I thought was oh my god.
Then I froze and couldn't even think clearly for the next hour or so while I was calling people to spread the news and arranging a time to meet with Nad.
When we went to see her the next day, it shocked me a little bit more that she's in the high dependency ward but I'm thankful that she didn't sustain any major internal injuries.
Hell, she could she still converse pretty well and joke around albeit a little bit weak.
She fractured the whole of her left leg and her right thigh as well.
I know its going to take her some time to fully recover and learn how to walk again but I'm confident that she can do it.
It's just that on the way back from the hospital, I just couldn't get the image of her laying there all pale and weak, with monitors attached to her and drips all over.
I just couldn't get over the fact that I even witnessed her like that.
Maybe because I know that things like that happens but I never thought that it'll happen in my life, to me or to someone I know.
It's like some rude wake up call.
Hey you're not invincible and don't for a second let yourself think you are.
It just hit so close to the bone.


Other than that, I've had a pretty great weak so far.
Been spending more and more time with my sister.
We study together in the living room (I don't get why she is so semangat when she's not even taking O's yet. -_-) until late at night.
And I've been sleeping on the floor in her room for half of the week too.
It feels good to have someone to talk to late into the night.
And my sister, she can have a decent conversation with me and that counts for something given her age.
Sometimes I forget she's only 14 because she can talk about anything and everything and she's really mature in her thinking too.
Kinda like me sometimes.
Like right now, I'm typing this while sitting on a mattress in her room, with the laptop on her bed.
She's doing her own online stuff on her study table.
I think without my sister, even though we have our fights and all that, I'd probably not be half the person I am today.
All those times sleeping on the floor with her on countless other nights before this one.
I think they kinda shaped me to be who I am today although I'm sure the nights we spent singing every single hi-5 song out loud don't count.
Yeah believe it or not, I used to memorise every single one. -_-




Short sidenote: I'm totally in love with Battle's single and Youngbae's mini album!! I've been playing them on repeat since yesterday. :)
Oh and super junior finally did a full 13 member comeback at the dream concert yesterday even if they're going their separate ways again after this. -_-
Still, it's so good seeing them together again though they all look like they've lost weight.
And kibum looks damn cute again. haha.


Good night.
Sweet dreams.

Because I was tagged by Jia

I don't normally do this but since Jia tagged me and since I've got nothing better to do, I'll just do a quick one.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?

When I've settled down and found my mr. right.

2.If you can turn into anything, what do you wish you can turn into?

A phoenix. So I can live forever. (I don't know. sheesh)

3. What job are u doing now?

A professional student

4.Where is the place that you want to go most?

Anywhere but here so I can forget. But since it doesn't exist. Back to UK would be good.

5.If you have one dream to come true, what would it be?

For my mum to be worry free.

6.Do you believe in seeing the rainbow after the rain?

No. Because I know that I don't have to see it to believe.

7.What are you afraid to lose the most right now?
My reason to live.

8. What cheers you up for the rest of the day?

Smiles and laughter. My cats. Coffee and gelato. Super Junior and DBSK and Battle and Big Bang. And Aiden Lee Donghae, Micky Park Yoochun, Jin Taehwa and Youngbae.

9. If you could have any kind of gift in the world, what would it/they be and why?

The power to heal. So that no one needs to hide the scars and wounds anymore.

10.List out three good things of the person who tagged you.

She genuinely cares.
She makes me smile.
She's a good friend.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?

He needs to be taller than me so he can protect me. But more importantly, he needs to be able to hold everlasting conversations with me, make me laugh and love me more than the stars in the sky.

12.What type of person do you hate the most?

I don't know. I think its too superficial to say that there is a particular type. There could be a hundred reasons why you hate someone anyway.

13.What would you do if you won a million dollars?

Donate half of the money. Invest 1/4 and splurge the rest on kpop stuff, books, a new house for my parents etc

14.What is your ambition?

To look back when I'm 80 and think that I've truly lived my life to the fullest I can.

15.What would you wanna be after you’re dead?

What's there to be? I'll just be 6 feet under anyway. -_-

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?

my flaw of running away.

17. What is your favourite color?l

Blue. Black. Red.

18.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

Everything.

19. What’s the last thing you think of before you go to sleep?

random stuff.

20. What would you do if tomorrow was the last day of the world?

I would spend every second with someone I love so that they know I love them. And I wanna try a lot of crazy and risky things just because I can.

I'm really on a kpop high right now. Haha.
Sue just sent me Big Bang's For The World.
And I've downloaded almost all of DBSK songs. :)
And Battle's single rocks!
And so does Young Bae's album!!
For the record, he's my favourite Big Bang member and I think he's super hot. :)

You gotta go there to come back

I've been thinking a lot this past few days.

Thinking of things that I didn't want to think about because I'm afraid to see

what's there under the surface.

Things that I'd rather run away from.

I've realised many things in the short space of time since my last blog post and this one.

They're all whirling around in my mind and I don't know how best to put them all in a coherent order.

There's just too many things that are going on in my mind that I can't really separate one from the other.

I think the only reason why I came to terms with losing my best friend is the fact that I knew that place she used to occupy in my heart will always just belong to her.

And that probably no one will be able to take her place.

It took me a really long time to reach this stage because the whole thing sucks.

It's only right to be broken after the loss of someone so important to you, especially when you thought that the friendship is invincible and you never imagined that one day, it'll all just disappear.

And it sucks even more when you have to watch it disintegrate right in front of your eyes.

It's hard to explain it and I swear that only people who have gone through the exact same thing will understand.

Which brings me to my next realisation, that I'm really glad that I went through loss (be it that of my bestfriend or my late grandfather) because only by going through that did I really learn how to live and how to feel and how to appreciate.

You gotta go there in order to fully understand life, to fully appreciate what you have, to fully realise that life isn't just about being strong against all the challenges, but also about being able to feel weak and vulnerable too.

Because, in essence, that is the very thing that defines us as humans. Our humanity.

And it's because of that, that I half-regretted my move yesterday.

Because for once, when I chose to ignore that small voice in my head, I was only disappointed again.

Disappointed at the dearth of what I hoped for a change, would be there.

And I've also come to realise that it's no use of me trying to force myself to forget all about you.

Because it's just going to hurt more if I do.

I realise that I just need to let myself learn how to accept it and make peace with it.

So that I can think of you whenever I miss you, without feeling any hurt or pain.

Because I know that no matter what, I'm not ready to let go of you just yet.

Thanks Li for making me realise all this. I love you babe.

Sidenote: SM has just released another super junior sub group. SJ-H. as in H for Happy. -_-. I really think SM's only doing that because they're trying to distract all the Korean fans from protesting about SJM so that the boys can stay in china longer. I mean, this subgroup doesn't really need to be set up anyway because the genre they're specialising in is the exact same thing as Super Junior anyway. So it totally doesn't make sense to release such a subgroup when all 13 of them can just record the song anyway. And it's even more ridiculous because SJ-H is made up of all SJ-T members with only Heechul being replaced with Yesung. -_-.

So now there's SJ-T, SJ K.R.Y, SJ-M and SJ-H with kibum left over and not in any subgroup.

And then there's also rumours about SM doing a japan thing for suju. -_-.

And with SJ-H's debut, half of the boys are in China promoting SJ-M and half are in Korean promoting SJ-H and Heechul is as of now, doing his own things (resting from the looks of it) and kibum is busy with his drama.

really.

I hate this whole thing going on because they are so disunited and it irks me.

I think it's more worth it right now to concentrate on the upcoming Battle album and DBSK's new single nearing the end of july and their album in September-ish. :)

I love my kpop boys! :)

Living for the moment

I really should be asleep right now cos I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow.
Oh well.
I watched ayat-ayat cinta with dilah and her mum. :)
Nice show but I didn't cry though.
Probably cause I was watching it with her.


I was battle-ing today.
They're so cute. such dorks. haha.
And because I have nothing better to do, I'll just post my favourite member from Super Junior, Battle and DBSK.
I'm still quite undecided about BB.


Of course, the king of fishes is the top of my list. :)
I'm not going to comment on any pictures cos I think he doesn't need description. haha.

Next is Jin Taehwa from battle!
He has charm and I really really love his voice. :)

His new look for their album! He looks so different.
Mature and suave and handsome.
I'm loving it. :)

He reminds me of teukie somehow. hmm..


And lastly, Micky Park Yoochun from DBSK.
I'm in love with his smile and it makes my day. :)

So yeah, that's about it.
I'm going off to sleep now.
Night world.

Someone just enlightened me to what caused you to do the things you did.
You fell in love with me.
And then, you simply just fell out of love with me.
I'm wondering why I never saw it quite so simply put before.


I'm just going to go with the flow because I don't know where this will lead.
I'm not going to allow myself to forsee the future or anything of that sort.
I'm just going to live for the moment.
And thank you for making me smile. :)

Smiles :)

This is going to be a really short one because I'm extremely sleepy and I need to be up early to study more GP.
The week's been okay. Shan't go into details.
Although I think it's only now that I realise I've made some improvements in terms of my essay writing skills and all that.
My evaluation is getting better and hopefully, I'll be able to do a decent job in the A's.




Latest news: SM entertainment just released a new group called SHINee.
I really have mixed feelings about them due to a number of reasons;
1) they're really too young. the oldest is only 18 and the youngest is freaking 14. -_- Thus, I feel kinda old liking them..Like pedophilia or something. I mean the DBSK, Suju, Big Bang and Battle boys are different. hmm
2) They're like a girly version of Big Bang. Especially in terms of style and all that. That's totally wrong cos Big Bang is waaaayy better and are their own entity.
3) They remind me of the first time I saw Kim Heechul. I can't tell if they're boys or girls cos they look so androgynous . Worse still, they look so feminine that they don't even need long hair to pull it off. -_-
4) Even their group name sounds girly. SHINee. as in shiny. as in reminds me of barbie dolls and shimmy shimmy glitter lip gloss.
5) It doesn't help that their first single is a song about noonas who are so pretty. Noonas refers to older girls and I feel a little bit insulted that they're reinforcing the fact that I'm way older than half of them. -_-
6) Still, must admit that the song is pretty decently catchy. though nowhere as near as Big Bang's. (I love them! :) I'm leaning between GD and Younbae and Seungri..hmm..) and the lead singer is pretty good too.
7) And I must almost admit that their dance moves are sleek and smooth and a pleasure to watch.
8) And okay, they sounded good live in their first stage performance which is rare feat for SM artists that are just debuting.
9) Still, they are definitely too young!
10) And still girly-ish and taking the whole gay vibe thing a bit too far. Or maybe they just can't pull it off like their sunbaes. -_-
11) They are nowhere near DBSK and Suju. And definitely not Big Bang.
So, we'll just have to see how they turn out..hmm.


I miss Battle. Thank god their comeback is real soon cos I miss Jin Tae Hwa's voice.
Although its kinda sad that kihyun won't be in the group anymore cos he wants to pursue acting. :(
And I miss super junior 13 too..Arrghhh...the super show live album is out already and I so badly want to get it! damn that I'm broke.
Anyone with an extremely kind heart, get it for me please? for an advance b'dae present maybe?? *hint*hint*nudge*nudge* If you do, I'll love you forever and ever. :)




I just reread this and I'm just wondering how the hell did I get to this stage in 6 months?
Kpop is too overpowering. haha.
Or maybe, it's all just sue's fault. :)

You can be my prozac because you make me smile.

Big Bang!

On a lighter note, I'm severely addicted to Big Bang's Always.
It's a must for me to listen to it at least 3 times whenever I switch on my iPod.
And every time I reread the post I just wrote, I'll make sure the song plays fully before I switch to another page.
It's just too bad that I really don't have time to find out more about them and watch their videos and what not.
I really wish the day had 36 hours instead. :(

That's a very thin line to walk on

The weather this past few days have been, to say the least, erratic.
It shifts from burning hot to freezing cold and I'm starting to get a little annoyed.
Not at the weather per se, but at my weather forecasting skills.
Every time I leave my hoodie at home, it rains and freezes to the bone.
And whenever I do think it's an auspicious day to drag it to school, it's so bloody hot that its so redundant.
Today for example was really really hot.
I was suffering outside the staff room while waiting for Mr Mahmood to come out for my consultation.
I think the fans they put there are really useless cos its doesn't seem to help in ventilation or cooling down the place anyway.


Other than that, I've had a pretty great weekend.
The highlights definitely being Saturday with cinta at the airport and Mr Yip's surprise birthday bash just now.
I'm not going to into details cos I think it's really dry and boring anyway and I'm too lazy to go on and on about it.
I'm only going to say that I've learned a lot though, especially at the airport.
I think cinta's the only one that I can really talk deeply with, without any inhibitions.
Anyway, there's no real need for inhibitions cos she can see through me like as though she has superman's xray vision or something. haha.


And now that's over with, on with the serious stuff.
There's a couple of things that I just want to get off my chest so yeah.
And as to whom they are dedicated and referring to, I'll just leave it as it is.
I don't see the point in blatantly stating anyway. If you get it, you get it.
If not, no harm.
And if it hurts you with me being honest, shoot me cos I'm not going to deny and pretend I don't feel that way.


To you(in general):
I really feel so indifferent now that I'm bordering on feeling utterly jaded.
I don't see the point in putting up fake facades anymore because its futile anyway.
Why should I bother if you're not going to be bothered?
I'm just plain sick and tired of repeating the same old thing again and again like some broken record machine.
I think you're old enough to think for yourself and really, I'm too tired to even care right now.
It's your life to live and it is clearly and totally your own prerogative.
If you want to screw your life, then go ahead.
Be my guest cos I'm sure as hell, am not going to stop you,


To you:
I know there's too many unsaid things. (among some well said ones of course)
I really don't know what else to say to you.
I'm already so tired of this whole issue.
Because the same thing keeps coming up again.
And even if it doesn't resurface verbally, I know it's brimming under the surface because I can see it in your eyes.
I think the whole thing is, if you want me to start trusting you, you've got to earn that trust first.
And at the rate you're going about doing it, you're never going to get there.
At least not in time.
And if you know me well enough, you'd know I'm not the kind of person you assume I am.


And lastly, to you(in general):
If I'm truly honest with myself, I'll just filter everyone else out.
Because nobody merits my trust enough to be a full time keeper.
And I can forsee that 20 years down the road, when we meet, we'll have absolutely nothing to say to each other.
We're not the kind of friends that can go for months and even years without talking and just pick up where they left off.
And because, I can honestly say that I don't share anything remotely emotional with anybody, except maybe one or two and even then, its not exhaustive.
Then again, that's what everybody is doing nowadays, all hiding behind masks.
It's sad. Yes, I'm not foolish enough to deny that.
But we're not going anywhere, neither forward or backward.
We're all just stuck in limbo, neither here nor there.


And if this is what it'll be like, than so be it.
I'm just too jaded already.

Always

Finally I'm actually blogging after such a long span of time, not doing so.

A lot of things has happened. Obviously.

But I'm not going to summarise and write it all down because:

1) I'm too lazy to do so

2) I can't even remember most of what happened

3) I'm just plain lazy.

Now that I'm actually writing here, I can't seem to remember what was it that I wanted to say a few mintues ago.

So it's probably going to be incoherency again from me.

It seems that JC life has sapped all the deep, philosophical, chim thoughts from my brain cells, to replace them with ... wait. There's nothing that acts as a replacer.(is there even such a word?)

So the conclusion is, my brain is significantly empty.

That's really great and comforting to know.

Anyway, I'm supposed to by typing out my lit notes for the Tempest test later on.

But seeing as how I'm totally sick of studying about Caliban and Ariel and what not, I'm just going to read through them later and then probably regret my decision afterwards. -_-

My mum went to the cemetary on mother's day.

I was supposed to follow but I didn't manage to wake up that early and truthfully, I didn't really fancy going.

Not that I don't like it or anything.

It's just that when you try your hardest to forget, after all the years, and the scar is finally nothing more than a mark, it just sucks to have it reopen again when death and the whole finality of it is just staring you in the face.

I know people say time heals all wounds and yeah, to some extent, that's true.

But there are some wounds, like loss, that will never truly heal cos let's just face it, nobody can ever get away from it completely.

I still miss my late grandfather even though 6 years (god it's been that long?) has already gone by.

I just wished that for once, I can tell him all the thousand and one things that I never got to say because I was too young to properly appreciate his presecene.

But then again, life just doesn't work like that.

There's no playback button no matter how grand that sounds.

Speaking of which, I've been having so many dreams lately.

And that's already strange by itself because I never have dreams when I sleep.

But recently, all sorts of dreams have been haunting my sleep and always, always, I'll have someone walk away from me or just disappear or get taken away.

I'm terrified that it's some sort of omen cos I can't deal right now or maybe ever.

And I've been wondering strange things.

Like what would happen if you found out your best keeper and person has cancer?

Then what would you do?

or if you found out that your mum only has 6 months to live?

what would you do?

On a lighter note, I'm diversifying horribly in the whole k-pop thingy.

And while it's great to get to know and love more boys, it's just that I'm on an overload right now.

I haven't even finish downloading and fully appreciating all of DBSK's songs and vidoes and what not, and now there's Big Bang. (blame Sue)

They're nice! :)

And I love their songs although I don't think I can stomach their techno songs just yet.

But now I have a somewhat internal dilemma cos I don't know if I should abandon my DBSK immersion and start on Big Bang. (Sue will of course say the latter.haha)

Hmm.

I really hope Battle doesn't release their album anytime soon cos that means that I'll have an even more complicated dilemma to deal with.

And thank god Super Junior hasn't resumed activities as a whole, complete group yet, and are still laying low for now.

If not, I'll be in a deep mess now. Haha.

Speaking of which, I found this video on youtube when I was searching of DBSK banjun dramas.

It's a video taken in the very same TKG void deck(was that what it was called) that I used to pass by everyday when I was there!

Some girls were dancing to super junior's U. o.0

I had no idea that super junior actually reached all the way to TKGS.

I know that there are plenty in IJC but hmm...

oh well, for the fun of it, here's the video. (they're pretty good but they lack Suju's enthusiasm and smex.duh.)

The world is full of miracles

You all really have to watch this.
It's a 4 year old girl who can play the piano so well even though she has never had any formal lesson.
And she's blind. She plays by ear.
I cried buckets the first time I watched her.
Even though I don't necessarily understand the song, it's incredibly moving.
and I really hope that God blesses this little girl and protect her because, she's an angel and she deserves it.


The first video is her first appearance on Star King and Kangin is there.
And there's this part where she accompanies the singing of a song she never heard before and she got all the right pitches. Wow.
The second video is her next appearance and Suju T are there and Heechul, even he, is crying buckets.

And because there's you

And finally, I'm actually typing in this box instead of just leaving it empty while I try to think of how exactly to best phrase the incoherent nonsense in my brain.
The last few days have been good.
I would say that the week, so far, has been an interesting contradiction of paradigms.
I'll just skip Monday cos you would probably have gathered from the previous post, that it didn't go down all too well.
Tuesday was a real "let's-all-test-fi's-patience-and-see-how-long-it-takes-before-she-snaps" day.
It started off a little offbalanced cos of the previous day and because Nad and Khai had bowling. (hey, I'm perfectly entitled to miss them)
It ended off significantly worse, with me fuming and being that close to actually losing my temper at certain people.
I swear that profanities (which I try valiantly not to use around my classmates) , were just waiting to burst from my mouth in this whole torrent/mantra, what have you.
Granted, a few did slip out when 3 of us were taking the lit test and decided to sacrifice a good 30 minutes or so, just discussing the whole shit situation.
(thus resulting in me writing a shit essay that will no doubt grant me a well deserved fail)
Anyway, since it has already passed and since Ying is now my idol and role model for such situations similar to this one, I am just going to shut up and not comment about it at all.
Wednesday was great because of Sports Evening.
It started of not so great though because the sun was out and it was really really hot and the architect who designed the school actually had the brilliance of mind to position the grandstand in the direct glare of the sun. seriously.
And somehow, I and my friends got roped in to become the cheering captains cos all the captains were in the cheerleading squad.
All of us screamed ourselves hoarse and it did not help at all that Taurus was flailing like a dead bull and we couldn't even get them to move their asses to cheer and what not.
But after khai's pep talk and more screaming on our part, Taurus got out act together and we delivered and emerged overall champion of the Sports Meet. :)
Victory was sweet and losing my voice that night was every bit worth it.
And it was nice, singing belting out the school song at the top of our lungs to end the whole event. haha.
I'll never forget how everyone simultaneously "reached for the stars". -_-


The fact that Taurus won, brought me back to remembering the good old days in TK.
I concluded that victory back then was so much sweeter because for one, we didn't have a house system and it was every class for itself.
And of course, being an all girls school, the victory(and losses) felt and meant so much more.
I think the best year is my Sec 2 year when 2e3 triumphed over a lot of odds to win both the cheerleading and dance competition.
I remember how the PA system screwed up both times and how the tears and hugs just came so naturally after we won. :)
Those were really the times.




And because you've made my day so many times, cinta,
thank you and I love you.
Because with you, it's never about the said things, but it's more of the unsaid things that I never have to say because you know and because you understand.
Because with you, time is immaterial.
Because with you, laughter and smiles come easy, and memories are an everyday occurence.
Because with you, the future and the rough times are not as scary and I have that faith because you believe in me.
Because with you, laughter is the best medicine, the night is still young, the unexpected is expected and silence is golden.
Because with you, if I ever lose you to time, it will kill me and break me apart.
And because with you, no matter how many words I say to express it all, no amount of words will ever be enough, and it doesn't matter cos we both know it all by heart anyway.
:)
I love you a lot a lot okay, cinta.
And because there's you, I'm happy. :)
Until the end of forever and even longer k. heh.
aishiteru.

And how can I find the right words to say it?

Falling is the first step in learning how to fly.
I wonder if I repeat this to myself a hundred, maybe a thousand times, I will start believing it.




And I wonder how do I tell you that yes, I have a problem.
How do I tell you why I do the things I do?
How do I explain to you this pain and hurt and loss I feel when even I can't explain it?
How do I tell you that I just need you around?
How do I even start telling you that I'm not okay?




I'm sorry, mum.

only a heartbeat away

First up, replies to tags.
(this mostly applies to Sue.haha)
Sue: HAHA! I can't believe you cried. -_-. but can't blame you la. Damn heartbreaking song. I'll change it soon so you can read my blog without crying k. :) And chill, I still haven't decided who I like best. So jaejoong is still safely yours (unless I decide to like him la. haha) But now, I'm kinda leaning more to yunho or yoochun or jaejoong. haha. We shall see. :)
Oh which reminds me, I'm supposed to wake you up now. Haha.


Khai: Yup yup DBSK-ing now.. :) diversifying la babe. heh. But I'm sure you're used to it kan? Never mind, whatever it is, you're still one of my favourite skinskip partners! (not that I have a lot la) heh. sarangheyo kakhai. :)




Finally, after a really really long time, cinta came over to chill.
We talked a very minimal bit while I was doing maths and she was reading.
Then we watched DBSK performances and EHB. :)
3 straight episodes of EHB at one shot.
I really really love her for actually bothering to sit down and watch the videos with me and for laughing just as hard, if not more than me(cos I've watched it so many times that it wears off sometimes)
Oh and she said DBSK's jiwang is like surpassing that of ungu. :)
I'm happy now.
If happiness is measured by the small, fleeting moments, then this would definately count.


Other than that, my day was pretty normal.
Had maths and history consultations where UN and Cold War politics killed me.
I swear history can be such a pain the ass to do.
I was pretty satisfied with how the day went except for the fact that there was a freaking dead rat stuck somewhere in the air vent of LT5 when I had my history lecture just now.
Bloody hell and damnation.
The smell was really really bad.
I can still somewhat smell it even until now.
Seriously, I think if the NEA were to find out, my school will surely get shut down for a week while they go and exterminate all the freaking rats in the place.




And as usual, Tuesdays seems to be the day where I'll write a drabble here and there, or write a sajak.
I wrote a really random drabble cos DBSK's will you be my girlfriend was in my head during lit tutotial.
The drabble is really really random, I wasn't thinking of anything in particular or anyone for that matter.
Although I think it doesn't quite make as much sense as its supposed to. hmm.

Prompt: I'm only a heartbeat away - DBSK, will you be my girlfriend?

I wonder, if I ask you, is there still a need for my heart to beat in tune with yours, what would you say? They say that when your heart gets what it wants, you'll reach that level of Eden, that Utopian happiness. Yet, when my heart got what it wanted, I am only a blank here, between parentheses, which are really, your arms that encircles me. And that cold,calculating love present between you and me, it pierces like a knife,butchering my insides, carving out my heart to leave a empty hollow, and shatters it into a million shards that cannot be pieced together again. And my whole being, just evaporates - sublimation, the change from solid to vapour - and the cold wind that wraps itself around us in a locked embrace, will blow me away. So, even though I know this will never be reason good enough for you, I will let you go. Before you realise that you are the one that will be forced to let me go. I will castrate your heart, before you have a chance to castrate mine. And if ever, the stars dictate that your heart will scream and echo in the silence to be in sync with mine again, just remember my love, if only you look, if only you listen, I will always only ever be a mere heartbeat away.

On this street, we met by chance

I'm really supposed to be doing my lit essay but I'm really not in the mood to analyse poems and what not rubbish like that.
I know perfectly well I'll pay for it later when I'm rushing to do it.
Damn, I need more discipline.
Anyway, I said I wanted to do a DBSK centric post and here it is. :)
I'm pretty much indulging in DBSK, especially their songs, instead of concentrating on Super Junior.
I think I'm neglecting them a little bit.
Sorry boys, when I have the luxury of time, I'll promise I'll go through every single one of the 219054180950 pages of backlogging.
And of course, when you guys make a comeback that involves the whole lot of 13 of you, I'll devote some attention to you. :)
For one, it's really DBSK love.
I realise I took a less conventional route which is falling in love with SJ first then for DBSK and not vice versa.hmm..
Anyway, here are a lot some pictures; group and individual shots.

Jaejoong's hair is really -_-. haha. Although I think he can definately pull it off, like heechul.

Xiah Junsu, Micky Yoochun, Hero Jaejoong, Max Changmin and the leader, U-know Yunho = DBSK.
I can't decide who I like best cos I haven't watched any videos of them that let me know more about them and their personalities. :)

First up is the leader-shi.
Yunho.

I love this picture of him cos of his smile. :)

Next up, Jaejoong.
Sue loves him. haha.
I've yet to see if I like him best.

And this is Yoochun. :)
For some reason, I really really love his smile.

4th in line is Junsu, otherwise known as Eunhyuk's best friend :)

And lastly, Changmin, the youngest of the five but the tallest one as well.
He stands at an intimidating 1.86 meters.
Actually, all of the DBSK boys are tall so the height variation is pretty well spread out evenly.

And so that's all of DBSK.
For an added bonus, 2 DBSK videos.
Japanese songs again. heh.
They're really such love. :)

Daremo ga motteru kanashimi ya kodoku
Iyashite moraeru basho sagashiteiru
Sou kimi ni wa sono basho ga koko ni arusa
Osorenaide mou mayowanaide
Boku ga mamoru..

Everyone is searching for a place
That can take away the sorrow and loneliness
So… for you, that place is here
Don’t be afraid, don’t hesitate anymore, because I’ll protect you






Ame furu toki ni wa kimi no kasani narou
Kaze fuku toki ni wa kimi no kabeni narou
Donna ni yami no fukai yoru demo kanarazu asu wa kuru kara

When the rains falls I will become your umbrella
When the wind blows I will become your wall
Even though the darkness overtakes the night
Tomorrow will come no matter what