Tugging heartstrings

Just got back frm my grandma's hse.

damn.

my gran always pulls on my heartstrings.

she's alrdy i tink 80?

n she cant rmbr or see veri well cos she has cataract.

she kept asking hu i was n all dat.

[i suppose u cant blame her becos she has almost 20 grandchildren and sum of our nicknames sound alike. like; iqa, ira, ida.]

n she refused to let go of my hand wen i salam-ed her.

she started crying instead.

dat always gets 2 me. her tears i mean.

aniwei, went out wif loll jus now.

cos she had 2 return me my bks n i was supposed 2 help her pick out mira's present

i love going out wif her. we jus sumhow seem 2 find stuff dat rocks for b'dae presents n all dat.

:)

we jus got a knack for finding all e good stuffs.

oh, n i'm on an orli rampage.

been saving tons of pics. [315 and still counting]

and i finally got sum vids.

thnx 2 loll's expertise on e matter

honestly, his laugh is so goddamn gay sumtyms.

hmm.

but i gotta admit, him being bi is a hott. i wouldn't mind in e slightest.

:) hee.

hes a SNAG.

Appreciating proper ventilation

Just got home.

Waiting for mira 2 pop over wif her hamster.

so i thot i'd just do a quickie while i wait for my nano 2 charge.

gosh, i'm so sleepy.

been veri sleepy dis past few days. been sleeping more.

which is unusual coming frm me.

aniwei, got dad 2 pick me frm sch.

he did n den we went over 2 mum's workplace [she's sewing heart valves, u noe lyk e case study in SS]

waited a long time.

n den he locked me up in the car!

woke up after a few mins wondering where e hell i was.

i tell u, u will never fully appreciate proper ventilation until ur stuck in a car for 20 mins with all e windows up and its hot lyk shit.

i learned it e hard way.

:)

Of nervous breakdowns and dancing in the rain

I'm gonna keep this veri short.

haf 2 go study.

aniwei, nikki jus called me.

she was having a nervous breakdown.

honestly, she gave me a little scare cos she seriously sounded lyk she had asthma.

so 4 a while i was wondering hu i ws toking 2, her or mira.

i tink e nervous breakdowns r jus gonna keep getting worse as e O's get nearer.

mids r in 1 n a half weeks.

bloody scary.

i'm so unprepared.

n i've given up making notes for hist n ss ryt now. dere's jus no time.

so im jus going 2 read thru.

lit, i skimmed thru e stooopidd el teacher a bit n i'll jus skim thru again e night b4 e lit paper.

n i nd serious help wif maths. need 2 find sum1 hu can go thru all e impt concepts wif me.

i gotta force myself 2 do chem.

n i gotta b extra careful wen i write my compos, as in make sure i haf a proper story n all dat.

Oh, im coughing non-stop. think it was cos i got caught in e rain yest n den i had 2 sit thru 1 hr in e freaking cold bus. yup.

the effects of trying to outrun a freaking downpour.

bt it was fun. lolz. i'd do it again in a heartbeat. haha.

If ur wondering, yes, i'm not talking abt aniting like dat.

I'm gonna be fine. reali. seriously.

at least i'm working on it.

so i shld b ok in no time. jus watch me. :)

thnx 2 all those hu listen n show ur concern.

reali appreciate it cos i tink im gonna need ur support thru all dis.

thank u frm e bottom of my heart.

u haf no idea how much dat means to me.

Struggling to find a foothold

Everything seems so surreal dis past 3 days.

Like i'm watching the world from someone else's eyes

i dunno. jus seems like i cant find any foothold whatsoever.

n i've cried gallons i tink e last 2 days.

weird. i hate crying.

i cried cos i felt guilty

den i cried cos ihad a talk wif my mum

den i cried again cos i had cramps

e next morning, cried again cos i felt guilty again

den i almost cried in e bank queue cos of stooopid period cramps

den i cried in e restraunt cos mum n dad gave me dis pep talk

den i cried again at night cos i felt guilty again n ppl kept saying stuff dat made me cry

havent cried yet 2dae. hope i can keep it in.

i tink i might jus b pmsing.

or sth lyk dat.

i'm trying my best to reach out thou.

to somehow get everyting out of my system.

i guess i need to learn how to let go

how 2 forgive myself. cos sumhow i cant do dat.

n i jus start another viscious cycle.

i mean how do you forgive yourself for all dat u've done?

4 all e hurt u've inflicted on ppl?

how do u excuse urself 4 all e irrational tings u've done?

how do u let go?

how do u get back ur faith n get up again?

how do u fight the pain?

i dunno. i'm all over e place. i dunno wat 2 feel or do animore.

i jus wanna breathe again. n jus live my life. n let it all go.

One hell of a day

Today was sports day.

last sports day in TKG.

gosh, it was one hell of a weird erratic day

cos all of us, at one point or another, was mad at each other

n we all cried at least once.

[my eyes r hurting frm crying 2 much. :( ]

but there were also very high up there moments.

[i'll jus leave all those other down moments out k, i noe u can't erase it bt i jus dun wanna tok abt it]

anyway, there were shitloads of loser moments, mostly involving me.

its jus nt fair cos everytime i haf a loser moment, everyone notices. hrmph.

dey're basically involving me tripping over raised slabs and my own feet n wat not

shall not elaborate on dat part.

oh ya, b4 i forget, we found ozzy. [he's a kitten btw]

bt he ran away.

:(

den dere was the whole jellie n nikki moment wif the MAXIMISER [insert scary music here. shudders.]

damn, i shld haf been dere la.

i want to see her reaction.

basically, nikki n jell met up wif zidd who was wif the MAXIMISER due to a hilarious turn of events ; sth involving the MAXIMISER being dere wen zidd n e rest of eighters were making plans 2 go out and being the MAXIMISER that she is, the MAXIMISER invited herself along n den end up her n zidd onli...LMAO. dats e most funniest shit turn of events ever.

so dey were blatantly putting the MAXIMISER back in her place, serve her right la, for being sesat. hah.

take dat u MAXIMISER environmentalist eyesore.

:)

gosh, im sleepy la.

my eyes r beyond trying 2 stay open.

so i shall cut it short.

oh wait, im toking 2 my fren frm pri sch hu i havent tok 2 in years

4 years 2 b exact. lost e bond la.shes in TK sec so i tend to see her ard.

interesting convo thou a bit on e superficial side cos u noe, u cant expect a person 2 stay e same after 4 years of moving on in life.

n i jus sent an e-mail 2 a total stranger.

poured out my heart. i hope dere's a reply.

cos seriously, my non-existant emotional reasoning is affecting the way i interact wif ppl n all dat.

i'm truly sori if i've hurt anyone [i noe i haf] . i'm trying my bestest to change n hopefully, this dude[ i forgot his name] can impart his mental resiliance knowledge 2 me.

i'm gonna do wateva it takes 2 make sure i dont go hurting ppl membabi-buta [irrationally].

i'm veri veri sori [i noe u all haf heard me say dat so many times] for everyting dat i do and don't do.

i love all of you ppl more than e stars in e sky.

thnx 4 everyting n tolerating my insanity n wat not n for standing by me.

i still rmbr wat one of u told me :

"i'm here. was here. is here.will be here."

same person said:

"whenever i'm awake, u'll see me here, standing. for you"

n den another one of u said:

"i'll watch over you"

Thank u.

Mira: darl, watch ur cough ok, take ur inhaler tingy. dun u dare get another asthma attack. thanks for everyting. n 4 being dere 4 me always.n for being my guardian angel. sori 4 everyting i've done dat hurt-ed u.

Nikki: I'm letting u go. i trust u. i'm always here 4 u. thnx 4 everyting. n 4 being dere 24/7. n 4 being veri patient wif me. sori 4 all e tears u've wasted over me. n i miss u writing letters 2 me. u nvr do animore. :(

and to all other ppl who've countlessly, relentlessly, patiently supported me and got my back;

jellie, nissa, omi, loll, shaf, raihan[dun ask k] n everyone else.

thank u frm e bottom of my heart.

It's all the things that matter

It's raining. no wait, its not animore.

i tink e sky cant decide whether it wants to rain or not.

dis week's a been a good one.

i've been smiling everyday.

"everyone deserves to be happy and it seems like you've been going thru sum rough times"

*smiles*

i dunno why, i'm getting warm n fuzzly feelings over e smallest tings i tell u.

like e moon. n e sea. n e sky. n heck, even birds flying in the air. [ok. dat sounds wrong. haha]

shall jus continue smiling n being hapi.

hmm.

how do u tell sumone u want out?

how do u say ur trying 2 b on a different plane?

how do u change without changing?

how do u explain why ur e way u are?

how do u say u wanna quit being sumone's superhero and try 2 help urself instead?

wow. power of randomness.

cant reali ans any of e qns i asked.

proves dat my deep thinking has a limiting depth.

A deal sealed, a promise cemented with hope.

another spoken promise

words said that can meaning nothing yet everything

reluctant but still trying

its beauty hidden behind closed walls

tainted with crimson tears and unspoken hurts.

Another time, another life.

how do you say you feel like crying?

how do you say "i feel your pain"?

how do you look away and pretend its all okay?

how can you respect what hurts?

how can you bear to leave a broken soul unmended?

how can you watch a loved one fade into oblivion?

how can you do all these and not hurt too?

if i said it's killing me, would you stop?

maybe if love was enough, i could have saved you.

maybe if love transcends all, u'd still be that girl i know.

for all i know of you now.

The moments that take our breaths away

Gosh, i realise that since i haven't been going online, my social life is practically non-existent out of sch.

how sad.

been studying much bt today my brain's tottally not cooperating wif me.

so here i am.

ok i cant decide whether i am supposed 2 b annoyed or not.

i jus hate it wen ppl step in n out of ur life like dey r in a hotel or sth.

its like u thot u forgot a person bt den they sumhow push their way back into ur life n says things that jus make u smile.

i hate it wen dat happens.

dat sux.

oh well, i jus look a it as a way 2 engage my mind in a good conversation.

n its waay beyond freaky wen u meet sumone dat cld almost be ur genetically identical twin.

aniwei, i've had an epiphany on life recently.

my dad drives me 2 sch n he always passes by that stretch of runway beside the airport n i'll always see the sky change from dark to light...its an amazing sight.

kind of made me realise that life's beautiful n dere's a lot of things in life to be thankful for.

u dun always haf 2 see e sadness n bad tings in life.

dere's always more beneath e surface, waiting to discovered.

"life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that takes our breath away."

i love that quote.

its so true dun u tink?

oh yeah, in lit, i [and everybody else] established that im in e melancholic category.

which means i'm reserved n a damn deep thinker bt den again i can be pessismistic and i self-criticise myself a lot.

sounds familiar?

Safe for another night

the week's gone by so fast.

didnt do all dat much studying. jus enuff 2 survive i suppose.

got back bio n chem test results.

quite hapi wif em.

aniwaez, havent reali been myself lately.

i dunno.

i jus tink we're all caught in dis whole freak show of a masquerade.

cos noone's reali themselves right?

like u haf a face for diff ppl ur wif.

goes to show dat nobody really noes wat u reali r except urself n even den, u might get confused wif hu u reali r n all dat.

we're all in dis together reali, fighting on our instincts to survive cos we all wanna get the best.

and sumtyms, jus 2 continue living.

there are many four letter words in the english language.

there's love. like. and of course there's fuck.

bt e worst to me is pain.

cos sometimes the pain never goes away. and if it hits you right when u least expect it, it sucks.

cos if u dun figure out how 2 heal, ur gonna lose.

there's no way u can push it away or i dunno try to hide from it.

life doesnt work that way

my point is, whoever said it's gonna b easy?

note: changed the post cos someone said i'm a loser for plagarising. :)

A day in town with Jellie

It's 10.19.

waiting 4 nikki 2 col me so she can tell me all abt her spa trip.

so fun. im jealous.

however,

Today was fun.

Went to town wif jell. :)

damn. town was packed. prolly cos its e weekend.

see, shld haf jus gone 2 ikea bt nooo...we had 2 go town.

oh well. wats done is done n cannot be undone.. lolz..

lunch-ed at LJS at orchard cine.

nvr realised until den how yummy greasy stuff was.

its finger-licking good.

wait. isnt dat KFC?

wat was i saying again?

oh yes. lunch.

after lunch, jell wanted 2 go check out newurbanmale at hereen.

damn fun 2 read e t-shirt prints.

"bananas, cucumbers or sausages?"

i'd vote bananas...lotsa carbo. extra energy u noe. :)

[if ur getting my drift here]

oh oh!

saw theron at HMV.

[omg. i like theron. haha. dat is jus plain scary freaky. dis is all ur fault ppl. sheesh]

e aeon flux ting spoiled it a little thou.

wanted 2 get it bt im broke. how sad n depressing.

i need sponsors. any1 feeling kind?

after dat we walked aaaalll e way 2 far east cos jell wanted a skirt or sth lyk dat.

so away we went. didnt get aniting much other den eye candy. according 2 jell dat is.

walked ard a bit. den we had no idea where 2 go n den i got it.

TOPSHOP was glaring at me across e street so we decided to go dere..

bt ended up entering sum building n detouring lotsa times. lolz

typical us dun u tink?

wen we finally got our direction right, we went into topshop n i was looking at all e cute cute girl boxers. dey got new prints u see.

by den we were both damn tired. feet hurt frm 2 much walking.

didnt want 2 go hm yet cos it was onli 5.50 or sth. so i decided 2 drag jell 2 taka 2 see the not-so-dirty-little-secret.

bt we went in e wrong door. twice. or was it thrice?

finally got e right spot n i dragged her up 2 dat purrddy toy shop.

:)

i love 2 see ppl's reactions wen dey see it.makes me smile.

jell was like "oh oh. look. eshan n maria can play with all dis...how cute.."

lolz...kids...u gotta wan 2 have em man.

speaking of which i concluded dat any kid of theirs will be super blur n knocking into walls n wat not n den he'll go "auntie fee...oww. pain." while rubbing his head.

so veri them. so jell n sman.

i tell u, blur+blur=veri blur.

:)

dragged her 2 art friend too. i jus love dat shop.

full of artsy stuff, not dat im artsy in e arty way bt it was fun 2 pretend i cld b shopping for stuff for my latest masterpiece.

[hey, dont burst my bubble here ok..a girl can dream]

after dat we were jus both fucking beat so we decide to head home.

n i walked her home, me being e nice person dat i am u noe.

i was actuali gonna blog abt e deep convo we had on e way 2 her hse bt nah...shall save dat 4 another day.

stayed at her hse until ard 7.40?

was watching mountain. n drinking strawberry milk.

now i noe wat her hse is like.

n her mum's fun. :)

was goin 2 ask my dad 2 pick me up frm her hse bt he refused 2 move his ass cos he wanted 2 watch pearl harbour which he claims he hasnt watched in years.

im jus wondering if he realises we have the exact same copy of said movie in the cd cupboard ting.

guess dats my dad 4 u.

man, i miss sch. at least i had sth 2 do.

n i tink im missing all those nice[yeah right] frens i haf.

oh well, shall see em soon.

n den i'll remember jus how annoying, amusing, slenger, crazy, whiny, bitchy n plain fun dey can be.

i'm out. goodnight stars.

The bestest friends a girl could have

I jus got back from mira's hse.

fun fun.

gossip gossip.

heh.

oh n i painted dat tingy n she helped lots.

thank u darl.

:)

been meaning 2 blog bt jus keep getting distracted.

damn. i need more discipline.

oh dis past few days has been a lot of firsts.

it was e first time i attended a wedding in god knows how long.

must say, it was a nice affair.

n e food was good.

had dis bitterswit feeling the entire time.

it jus sumhow seemed unreal. prolly cos e bride n groom had such a hist.

thank god he finally married her. :)

it was e first time me nikki n mira had a three way call.

apparently jus found out mira's hp cld do dat.

so fun.

at least now it wont have to be mira coling nikki on her hp n nikki coling me on my hp at e same time, trying 2 communicate properly.

hehe

n it was e first time i painted since god knows wen.

4e9, thnx 4 e opportunity.

:)

n 2dae was also the first time that i realise dat i reali reali missed toking 2 u.

n maybe jus maybe, i feel more than i'm reali letting on.

i'm falling again.

its like no matter how hard i fight it, i'll still end up falling.

its like going bungee jumping n u nvr get pulled up again.

its fucking scary.

except, sumtyms, dere's an upside to the falling.

and that's e chance u give ur friends to catch u.

its e one chance i give my friends to catch me.

sorry is the hardest word to say

Feeling emo again.

the emo for no reason kind.

i hate dat kinda feeling cos it'll sumhow make me replay all dats ever happened.

all dat ive ever done n all dat i never do.

n it jus gets harder n harder.

its dis personal on-going battle with myself.

and i don't see e end reali

bt trust me, im trying.

to b a better person

to control and fight temptation.

bt mostly, to prove to myself dat i can escape from this shithole and that life is worth living to the fullest.

yupp.

so other than dat, not much's been happening.

just been thinking lots.

being me i suppose.

stoner-emo me.

so yea.

i got a hell lot of a mess to unscrew myself frm myself.

n i tink i shld start by asking help.

bt frm who?

wen all i see are hidden tears behind glass cages.

maybe its jus dat time of the month. jus a rough patch dat we're all going thru.

n i noe dat we'll all make it thru.

cos our whole lives are still unwritten.

doesnt mean dat watever stain we left on its pages will affect the story after dat ryt?

i jus wish i actuali believe dat.

Emo junkie and gorgeousness

Every whisper

Of every waking hour

I'm choosing my confessions

Trying to keep an eye on you

Like a hurt lost and blinded fool

Oh no I've said too much

I set it up

That's me in the corner

That's me in the spotlight

Losing my religion

Trying to keep up with you

And I don't know if I can do it

dat song's been in my head the entire day.

i've decided to nto write anymore emo ____ stuffs.

jus one last ting 2 say;

sometimes, u gotta be harsh to be truthful.

n face it, the truth hurts. no matter how its delivered.

and if me saying out what i reali feel is so called "uncalled" for

den im sori 2 say u feel dat way.

cos hey, its MY prerogative.

just like its urs 2 _______.

so yupp.

was crapping wif loll while waiting 4 nikki n omi 2 end tuition.

we sorta toked rubbish reali.

abt naming our kids.

n how i told her i can imagine little nikkis running ard going "auntie fee auntie fee! mama scold me..." with those adorable hazel eyes i jus noe dey'll inherit from her..

hehe. so cute.

n we gushed abt Mr. Ed. and Mr. Teddy.

hey gorgeous. are you up for it? *grins**swoons**blush*

same old us krapping our assess off.

:)

im so gonna miss krapping wif all e ppl.

trying nt 2 tink abt life after O's.

i'd like to think dat its beyond my mental capacity notwithstanding validity and pitch so'er.

i love dat quote.

no idea why. im jus weird.

*insert creepy weird music here* [wait. is dere even such music?? *shruggs*]

oh.i'm listening to this old old old malay rocker lovehunters song.

if ur wondering why is fee listening 2 such a song, blame my dear father.

i swear he infected the entire house with that song.

even my mum will suddenly burst out wif e lyrics.

lolz.

its jus kinda grows on u i suppose.

yuppz.

its amazing right how so many tings grow on you when you get so used to them.

the wonders of the umm...mind. right.

maybe i should do a research paper on that. NOT.

Epitome of Epiphany

Ergh. my hand is aching.

jus played dis super annoying bt fun game. :)

de-stress?

i guess u cn col it dat.

nd lots of it after all dat's been happening n is happening.

i jus realised dat i've had lots of epiphanys lately.

n sum of dem reali damn ironic.

n everyday i'll cry sum.ironic ting is, im crying over irony.

if ur wondering wat shit im babbling, jus ignore me.

my brain's jus 2 crammed up 2 tink ryt now.

so yea.

i've had epiphanys when my head was so full of thoughts and fears that it actuali kinda hurt.

n i've had epiphanys dat jus strike me wen im least expecting em.

lyk jus now.

had a nice heart-to-heart wif nikki.

damn. i miss moments lyk dat wen we cld jus open up n let it all go 2 each other.

i miss all of it. reali.

bt sumtyms, u gotta let time take back wat belongs to it ryt?

gosh.

it hit me like a lightning bolt.

damn. wat am i doing wif my life ryt now?

im jus doing screw up after screw up.

n im screwing up other ppl's lives as well.

n im truly sori 4 those of u hu directly or indirectly, i screwed up ur life.

yeah.

it jus hurts to know that you're in dis deep dark hole with onli so few for company n no matter how hard u try, u cant seem 2 get out.

ur hands jus slip on e walls n u lose ur footing again.

n each time, u take an injury, another wound.

but u wanna get out of dat deep dark whole.

but ur scared cos u've been so comfortable for all these years in dat deep dark hole;

ur eyes have grown so accustomed 2 e darkness dat ur scared ur gonna b blinded by the light if u get out of dat deep dark hole.

n u noe dat if u cont 2 saty in dat deep dark hole, u'll lose everyone dat matters.

yeah. dats how im technically feeling abt it all.

maybe it all comes down 2 god.

i have 2 find god. get back my faith.

start believing wif all my heart.

sumhow i tink because i didn't remember god, HE took away all the ppl dat mattered.

one by one.

n i'm sore at him a lil cos of dat.

its a vicious circle once u tink abt it.

a circle dat goes on in circles, unless u find e strength 2 break free.

problem is; i reali dunno where 2 start.

how 2 start believing again. how 2 get my faith back.

how?

someone, please help me, find god again.

The bitter truth will just slap you on your face

I'm feeling ergh.

been feeling ergh since last few days?

i dunno whether 2 rant or nt.

cos if i rant, i might turn a teeny bit ugly.

n i dun wan ppl 2 get e wrong idea u noe.

or rather lyk i shld control my temper.

n take wat ppl say in stride.

its jus wat u say dat i take 2 heart ryt?

cos you said it.

i mean, wat more do u want frm me?

am i supposed 2 b a recluse n stone everyday?

i dunno.

mayb i shld do dat.

yeah bt wen i do dat u end up asking me wats wrong.

so i dunno wat exactly u wan me 2 do.

honestly, sumtyms, i tink u take me 4 granted.

like i'd always b dere 4 u wenever.

sumtyms i tink u 4get 2 appreciate e tings i do 4 u.

mayb i dun do a lot. yeah i tink dats it. mayb wat i do isnt enuff.

sumtyms. i honestly wonder y i bother so much cos it seems lyk i'm e onli one bothering.

oh wait, u col dat me being over paranoid

maybe cos its u. dats y im over paranoid.

do u see me overparanoid abt everybody else?

wat do u wan frm me?

can u jus tell me?

give it 2 me straight rather den u keep it in n roll ur eyes at me or sth.

do u wan me 2 kill myself 4 u?

sure. y not? if u ask me 2 i wld.

did u noe dat?

i dun tink u did.

well, now u do.

im jus feeling a little under appreciated right now

so excuse my words.

the bitter truth will just come up and slap u in e face.

like how i chose you and you turned around and give me a tight slap with what you said.

i'm not going to lie.

it hurts.

both my pride and my heart.

thanks 4 e bullets.

whirlwind of thoughts

Wow. a lot has been happening dis past few days.

dunno where 2 start.

right now, im jus staring blankly at e screen

as in i noe wat i want 2 say bt i dunno how 2 say it.

its like dis rush of thots running thru my head.

hmm....maybe i tink 2 much.

e bad ting abt being able 2 read ppl without words is dat u tend 2 over read em.

u noe?

n den u start assuming.
n make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

bt more like u make an "ass" out of "me"

am i toking abt myself? yeah.

aniwei,

cikgu showed us e real autopsy. n it was damn uh, scary.

u noe, e organs n all hanging out...its real.

so, can i jus say dat i DONT want to be cut up if i die aightz.

so if e doctor wans 2 do dat ryt, can sumone pls pls pls use my blog as evidence dat i dont want to be autopsied.

n does anyone noe of any form u can sign for no autopsy tingy?

i mean dere's DNR ryt. so is dere a DNA? (Do No Autopsy)

Oh, my bio teacher so hilarious.

she was mewing at dis bird dat was chirping at e windowsill so dat it'll go away.

n it did. :)

N she was laughing at me jus now. so evil.

haha.

n damn, she's got sooo many unfortunate frens.

she'll go like "did i tell u abt my fren hu...." n den after she's done, she laughs.

reali. reali. freaky.

Lit enrichment was nice. Much Ado About Nothing.

didnt tink i wld get e jokes seeing as how e movie's in elizabethan eng.

n dats hard 2 get u noe.

look at 12 night for example, its full of word play n all so if u dun get e language, u dun get e word play. n if u dun get e wordplay, u dun get e joke.

bt 4 Much Ado About Nothing, u get e joke wifout even having 2 understand e language.

i dun remember ever laughing so hard.

haha.

shall go watch wif poopiehead n snammie

n e eighters. n rum n loll hu's going again oso...haha

so yea, i gotta go...do stretching. fun. not.

n i mean e stretching for maths.

:)

n nikki, im so so sori i 4got 2 take ws 4 u..

sori sori.

n n snam put kau auraku in my head plak..:)

n yeah, i noe i've used red font since forever bt it doesnt go with e temp la.so here u go, new colour. :)

oops. gotta go.

take care all.

cherish every moment before time takes it away.

lotsa love n good night.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

Orbituaries. In a stark moment of realisation, it dawned on me that i have this habit of reading orbituaries. why? i can't reali pinpoint the exact reason. somehow, reading orbituaries make me realise dat the deceased were real people; lost ones loved by many. The individual who left his/her mark on this world and whose loss was greatly felt. someone who has lived his/her life as such that when they left, the world did not not blink any eye.

orbituaries are not just a way of acknowledging the passing of a loved one; it is also an expression of grief. orbituaries may sound rehearsed, the same lines day after day, just the picture that's changed.

in actual fact, they're not just words produced out of years of orbituary-writing practice. they come from the heart.

And I say that words that come straight from the heart are those that ought to be taken seriously. weigh them above all others for they are the very escence of one's soul.a real outpouring of what one reali feels. pure. untainted. and unmarred by lies.

i guess my point is; Death is inevitable. But like the words of John Steinbeck; "It seems to me that if I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying so and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world."

wow. i sound so intellectual. :)

incidentally, if you're wondering why, i'm sorta trying to practise my writing skills.

hmm. everyday's e same now.

time flies by so fast, i barely even noe wat day i'm on.

like 2dae, i woke up all disoriented, thinking why e hell is my mum waking me up on a sat.

so yea. everday's jus me n my frens n all our crazy antics.

gosh.

i find their smiles so enlightening. seriously.

there's the sweet oh-im-so-cute-u-cant-resist-me smile of nikki's with her hazel brown (sometimes chocolate-y, sometimes dark) eyes alight. (I keep insisting that they grow dark wenever she's tinking naughty stuff. say, purple n pink suffocated _______ :)

then there's mira's smile. but personally, i tink her half-grins should b made illegeal. catches me everytime.

then there's jell's naughty smile, always accompanied with a lil twinkle in her eyes. (which, btw, means danger.)

there's lollie's smile everytime someone mentions ed, followed by her turning tomato red.

there's lotsa smiles.

of course there's always ur smile. the smile u give me wen im down n ur cheering me up.

the smile u give wen ur camming, strutting poses jus so i laugh.

and the smile u smile jus cos u feel like smiling.

and all these smiles, always always make my day.

:)

An attempt to tip the scales

9.57 pm. N i'm finally toking 2 u again.

so how is my girl 2dae?

a lil screwed up right now. i had sumwat crappy days after e V day rush.

oh. u wanna tok abt it? i'm here 2 listen.

suddenly i find it so easy 2 open up.

maybe cos i dont noe u n u dont noe me so dere's no strings attached.

god, i feel so much better now.

thank you.

:)

oh god. i haf so much 2 say bt its either a bit belated or i dont noe how 2 say it

maybe e moral is to update regularly.

n yes mira. i haf updated girl.

yupps.

oh, i noe dis is a lil late bt thanx loads 2 all those hu gave me V day presents.

i feel so loved.

come 2 sch in e morn n i jus went "Wow.". shitloads of goodies on my table!

*grins*

i love all u bitches loads loads tau.TAU.

oh yeah, my hamster died. again. it was billy.

n n he died in e gross-est way possible.

tink prata n guts spilling out wen u cut a fish n apply dat 2 billy's dead body.

yes. now, imagine taking that mess out of the cage wif benji n joel clambering over u.

eww.

dat puts it damn nicely.

deals. n more deals. with loopholes?

maybe.

will it work?

hope so.

it's an attempt 2 tip e scales.

bt i dont want to.

i jus want to keep on falling.

y cant u jus let me do tt?

y dun haf 2 mend my parachute 4 me...i'll mend it wen i'm ready 2 land.

fee's getting dis tingly tingly flutterby feeling.

its scaring me a lil.

bt bt pumpkin.

*grins*

aightz, dats all i can technically tink of ryt now.

nite world.

n remember ppl; plaster a smile on ur face cos u may nvr noe hu may fall in love wif it. :) :) :)

Verbs are part of a speech that hurts the most

Been thinking random stuff lately.

u noe, e kind where u jus stare outta a bus window n let ur thots drift?

yeah. like dat

n i came to e conclusion dat verbs are part of a speech that hurts the most.

wen sumone tells u they're leaving, u hurt

cos watching them leave u hurts more den u acknowledging that they've left

wen sumone tells u they're dying, u hurt

cos watching them die, knowing that they will die hurts more den wen dey're taken away frm u unexpectedly

and wen u tell me ur cutting, i hurt

cos i cant stand seeing u hurt urself wifout me helping u cos ur jus gonna say i dun practise wat i preach.

that's onli 2 out of a lot of verbs. so yea.

im making sense arent i? :)

aniwae, i've been waiting for insparation 2 come to me but apparently, its taking it's own sweet time.

havent written aniting in a long time.

got abt 3 lines of sth n its nagging me 2 cont it bt sumhow e words wont flow.

n i jus realised dat i havent been going online in a looong time.

yeah.

dat means i havent toked 2 u in a wk? hope u still rmbr me.

e effect Sims has on u.

n i swear kan, dat dey're e most cutest ting ever tau. i was playing la den e husband n wife keep wanting to woohoo. 3 times nt enough.bloody horny or mayb dey jus haf a damn good sex drive. haha.

O'level results tmr. scary. *shudders*

ergh. my back is fucking killing me.

shall go do sth productive.in other words, cuddle up under the covers n stare at the ceiling.

ta loves.

G'nite n sweet dreams.

It's my prerogative not yours

In e lib ryt nw while e other smart intellectuals r doing their a amaths papers.

hah.

am in a veri pissed off, cranky mood.

i noe i haf no right to say since i myself do it 2 kan

bt honestly, its my prerogative.

i haf a right 2 say dat 2 u.

2 be pissed at u.

cos ur doing sth dat might spark off dis whole chain reaction.

i reali get how u feel.

cos im feeling it 2.

i haf a right damn it.

i haf a fucking right 2 get mad at u.

i hate 2 c u throw ur life away like dat.

i hate 2 c u hurt n hurting.

i dont wan u 2.

true, i haf no right 2 say.

cos im nt practising wat i preach ryt?

bt like i said;

its MY fucking prerogative over you cos i'm your friend.

it comes in my job description.

if u tink i am jus going 2 sit here n watch you do dat 2 urself,

ur fucking WRONG.

sometimes, i wish i can jus hate u forever n leave u be.

bt i cant.

i'll kill myself if i do dat 2 u.

Look, its simple reali.

u dont like me doing it rite?

so u dont do it either.

if you dont wan me 2, u dont do it.

im dead serious.

Hate every beautiful day

2dae was sooo nt a gd day...

i mean e sch part ws same old same old. nth much. normal shit u noe?

it was kinda a beautiful day actuali. nice weather n all dat. it rained!

bt after sch, everyting jus went wrong. karma or sth.

ergh.

i need 2 raaannnnt!!

let me list down e stuffs dat happened:

1)took cab 2 PP wif jell n nikki. N den on e cab, i realised dat i lost my freaking 10 bucks.

n i started 2 freak out cos i reali needed dat 10 bucks tau. 4 V day's prezzie 4 all e lunatic goons i haf as frens. bt nvm. still gt sum money left over. :)

2)on e bus hm, i left my volcom pouch on e bus. so i started 2 freak out again. called jell hu told me 2 go 2 sum sesat-ed control station 2 get it back. honestly, if my nano was inside, i wld alrdy haf been crying my heart out. reali. bt thank god i got it back.

3)i was walking hm frm mira's hse n was changing e song on my iPod. didnt c e bloody drain n tweaked my ankle a bit. damn. broke my longest record ever wifout spraining my ankle. sigh

4) i got home, tinking of getting ice cold water wen guess wat?? e fridge is SPOILED.

5) i jus realised i need 2 top up my ez-link card so bottom line is i'll only b left with 2 bucks. yupp. so tell me smart n intellectual beauties, wat in e world cn i get for a V day gift 4 like 10 ppl or so wif 2 pathetic bucks?!???

and so the story goes of fee's not so beautiful day.

im begining 2 hate every beautiful day.

Mira: get well soon darl. take meds lots cos ur eye is reali scary tau. take care. n b prepared 2 say yes 2 ashik. :) hugs n kisses n i love u.

Nikki: go shopping spree wif me soon k? n now i noe how u feel wen u lost ur hp pouch cum wallet ting. hugs n kisses n i love u.

Jell: hey babe, take gd care of urself. im always here 4 u ok? dun do aniting silly tau or i'll match it wif one of my own. love ya.

Shaf: cheer up sweetie. i noe it hurts. bt noe dat i'm here 4 u k. always. aniting, jus col or msg me tau. love ya.

aightz, i'm off nw.

sims 2 calling my name.

lotsa love world.

smile :) n 2 hell wif all of life's bitches.

Sometimes, you need someone to tell you you're wrong

It's raining again.

comforting. jus feel lyk cuddling up under the covers n gg 2 sleep.

yest was an eye-opening day in a way.

firsts for everyting. :)

lost drink-ginity. heh.

didnt try it straight up thou.

had coffee in e morning n u noe i cant hold my caffeine

esp wen i've had it everyday 4 e past god knows how many days.

bt i cant stop drinking cos im alrdy addicted 2 it. :)

so yea, didnt wanna risk a major heartburn since i've run out of my meds.

was a lil scared of dat

so drank it diluted wif coke.

cldnt reali taste aniting in e coke bottles e five of us diluted.

wasnt strong enuff ah.

bt bt e one zidd diluted ws greeaaat.. after-taste rocks.

haha.

i wan more. sheesh. i'm a bad girl. whoops.

had eye-opening talk wif nikki.

im amazed at how much she can tolerate of me.

im like e most stubborn-est person ever or sth bt she cn still have e patience 2 drill stuffs in 2 my head.

logical. she made me see wat i've refused 2 see 4 dunno how long.

dat;

1) i tink abt stuffs 2 much. esp wen i stone.

2)i live in e past. a lot. n i can't let go.

3)i love creating problems for myself. n wen dere's nth 4 me 2 worry abt, i create sth 4 me 2 worry abt.

4) i wan attn bt yet i dun wan it wen im given it.

in a way, she's right.

abt everyting.

Have i ever left you? no.

Have you ever left me?.silence.yes.

So shldn't i be the one hu's insecure instead of you?

i'm the one who's gotta live with dat everyday.

so ryt nw, i gotta go unscrew myself n listen 2 my own advice on other ppl n actuali practise wat i preach.

carpe diem n jus live my life as it comes ryt nw n nt tink 2 much abt stuffs dat happened.

i tink i reali gotta do some serious soul-searching so any1 up 2 gg 2 e beach wif me?

bt ryt now, i tink i gotta do sum self-punishment.

althou i noe i shldnt use dat as an excuse.

i tink i'll go tok 2 nikki again later.