There's still hope for you and me

I haven't been doing much work as of the last week.

Partly because the whole week before the last exhausted and drained me to the point that I still felt the strain all throughout last week.

Last week just seemed to flit pass without me noticing it.

It started slow enough with the MLU seminar which took up two days.

So there goes Monday and Tuesday.

Wednesday was spent out running around Marsiling Secondary School and the Sheng Siong at Woodlands with Nad and Liyana for PW.

That same Wednesday was also the day that I was supposed to watch POTC with Dilah but the poor dear had fever so it was canceled.

(ironically, now we find it almost impossible to arrange a time to catch the movie. Blame it all on the hectic schedules of JC and Poly life. or rather, the differences in the schedules.)

I can't remember what I did for Thursday, I only know it was Vesak day.

Friday I didn't go to school, reasons only god and me knows. (as well as those select few who know me well enough)

And then there was the TPJC Manifestasi.

Bani was damn good as the karut. Good job babe!

As you can see, I didn't really get down to much work.

I have no idea why I seem to be tired all the time, how I crave for sleep.

The best thing is I haven't had coffee for ages so maybe I'd have to start drinking it early in the mornings just to keep me up longer at night.

Yet, Ilham says I don't get enough sleep. (well actually everybody says that).

The thing I can't figure out is what the hell I do until late at night that, I don't get enough sleep.

Probably cos' my insomnia's starting to get worse now and I can spend an entire hour tossing and turning, trying to sleep but failing spectacularly.

I feel myself panicking slightly (okay.maybe more than slightly) everytime I think of the coming end of the holidays.

Summer tests are coming up and god, I am so unprepared for it.

I'm not worrying too much about Lit at the moment, I'm thinking more of History and Maths.

The thing is, I really wished I knew how to make myself like both the subjects, just so I'd have as much passion for them as I do for Lit and thus be motivated to study for them.

I don't know when I started developing an allergy to History.

Maybe from all the times I missed school due to that on again off again fever I keep having that somehow just hit dates with History tutorials and lectures in the timetable.

I know for a fact that if I tried and studied really hard, I can do fairly well in History.

It's just that I have this this aversion to it.

To make the situation a little worse, after close scrutinization of my exam timetable, I realised that the History paper is on the first day of the Summer Tests.

Gahh. It's utterly frustrating when you have to do something you abhor dislike.

Still, I know I'm just gonna have to take a deep breath, grit my teeth and just go right ahead and open the History book.

Otherwise, I'm never going to finish 32 lectures in 15 or so days.

And I'm thinking for maths, I'll have to get someone to teach me the basics.

I was thinking of getting Nad to teach me after school one day this week so I can go home and study for Maths on my own.

I have no idea what's coming out for Malay Lit so I'm going to just put it aside for now.

As for Lit, I still have to finish annotating my book and I'll have to go through it all again. (I love lit! haha. such beauty)

And not to forget, the code and riddle in iambic pentameter that I have to come up with for PW.

And the typing of all the Minutes of Meetings with edits and all.

As well as editing anything that any of my group members come up with after they're done.

Gahh. SO much to do. and so little time.

Nami was telling me during Lit lecture that she feels scared for the Summer Tests.

Hey babe, I'm scared too.

So no worries, we can be scared together. :)

We can do this!!

There's still hope for you and me.

If you knew your way to the light

12.27. I'm sleepy but I'm in the mood to stay up late tonight.Maybe try push it all the way till 5 in the morning like how I used to back in the holidays.The house is getting all quiet now.

Everyone's going off/gone to sleep and my dad's still out at work.I like the quiet. It's deafeningly peaceful.

Today was the first time I went to an Indian wedding.It's an elaborate affair full of tradition.I was trying to see the ceremony up front but an annoying pillar was blocking my view andI gave up after craning my neck for a while.The food was pretty good.I've got nothing much to say about the wedding since we only stayed for a bit.My dad offered to take us to Mustafa Centre and go shopping.I agreed wholeheartedly to his generous offer since offers like that don't come around that often and I'm in serious need of new jeans.All the ones I have are dropping off me with only 1 that I'm able to fit in nicely without it falling off me every few seconds.But the plan was changed(cos its a Saturday night) and we went home instead.

"Takdir mempunyai susunan peristiwa yang lain daripada logika biasa."

[Fate has its own plan of events that is against all logical reasoning. my translation's a little off though. sorry.]

It's so true how fate always has a different plan, a different design that it follows.And always, fate's plan is outside the grasp of our logic.I guess it's one of the idiosyncrasies of Life.How we plan and plan and yet nothing ever comes out of it.And the things that do, they are always something we never expected.And they almost always never make sense.It's sad sometimes how we plan and chart the course of our future only to have it all snatched away a mere second later.And then our lives take another turn and like it or not, we're forced to continue our journey on this new route.One that may not be what we wanted in the first place, one which we might abhor.But Life's like that.It throws you out the door and bangs it shut, only to have another door open up for you.Sometimes, when we see what's on the other side of that new door, we become more content, more settled, more at peace with ourselves.Yet on other times, what's on the other side of that new door terrifies us until we are paralysed with fear and we stay, stagnant on the threshold, hoping life will reverse itself.

I finally got over my writer's block.And I wrote another sajak few minutes ago.Posted it up on my other blog.It's more on the rambling side, meaning I have no idea where it came from.Still, it's nice whenever I get some of the thoughts out of my head.It feels a little less cramped.For now that is.

Okay.You can stop shooting me now...

I'm feeling good today.

The MLU seminar ran pretty smoothly.

I was supposed to be in school by 8 but I overslept and reached school at 8.10.

After all the briefing by Cikgu Zul, me and Hidayah got prepared.

All 600 teachers were reporting so there were some who strayed all the way to our booth.

Argh. My bahasa baku is so damn rusty and I stuttered the first few times and used un-baku malay. haha.

At 9.45 sharp, the teachers went for break.

Meaning 600++ of them were at the foyer.

Cikgu left us to mingle around and we handed out Saujana Pujangga, the magazine that TPJC and IJC produced together last year.

And Mr Masagos made his rounds and talked to both of us.

He asked what is saujana and my mind decided it was the right time to go blank.
Somehow we salvaged the situation and he was really nice and fun to talk to.

After the teachers all went up to LT1 again, we were technically free all the way until 1 plus.

So we had breakfast and we talked to cikgu zul.

He's cool. Havoc. haha.

And since the J2's were setting up their broadcasting stuff, me and hidayah decided to steal borrow RI's congkak board and played congkak.

I kept losing cos I wasn't really concentrating.

Cikgu Tetty came soon after and she sat down with us and played a turn against me.

By that time, it started raining and after the $10,000 white screen almost toppled, we decided to help out again.

Fast forward, the whole booth was wrapped up much earlier than usual.

After eating lunch, I hung around, trying to help them all pack but I got shooed away instead.

So I wandered off to the other booths and then helped carry the stuff back into the mlep room.

By the time they all started playing batu serembat and lastik each other with blue tack, I got shooed away for real so I went home.

All in all, the day went pretty smoothly and put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

I have a friend made out of lava.

Hot shit.

No wonder it burns.

:)

*

I can't remember what you look like anymore

Fuck is a good word to describe it

I just got home from MLU Seminar Rehearsal.

I'm not gonna comment much on how it went.

Let's just say if you know how gemilang rehearsals went, it's pretty much the same.

Except for different protagonists that is.

Apparently I did a totally stupid thing on my way home 2 hours ago.

I took 161 to Sengkang, crossed the over head bridge and my luck wasn't in so i missed 89.

So I waited, whilst coughing like shit. I have no idea why my cough is getting worse when I have been eating my meds. (I swear I have.)

Then along came a bus.

I saw the number plate and I boarded it.

Fell asleep a minute later.

And I woke up with dense forest surrounding me.

I took a deep breath and tried really hard not to panic.

My phone was dying so I can't call out to anyone for help (like say my dad so he can pick me up)

So the bus continued its journey, passing more and more trees.

Until it reached punggol pier.

I just went "oh fuck."

By then, I was the only one on the bus.

I guess the driver must have thought what the hell a school girl is doing going to punggol pier.

And then, after the bus loops and I still didn't press the bell,

I imagine he must have thought where the hell I was actually heading since I didn't drop at punggol pier or any of the bustops afterward.

To my huge relief, the bus turned into a place I actually recognised and I finally pressed the bell.

And ended up exactly where I was half an hour ago.

So I had to cross the overhead bridge again and wait for 89 again.

This time I made sure I read the number plate correctly and it stated 89 instead of 82.

(don't ask me how the hell I read 82 as 89)

Oh ya, apparently, I'm developing what I think is gastric.

Cos, I haven't been eating properly due to my poor appetite since the time I have been sick.

Hidayah said I actually looked like I was forcing myself to eat the burger I was eating for breakfast cum lunch cum maybe dinner (blame the rehearsal for that) at BK after the whole thing was finally over.

In a sense I kinda was cos something in the burger tasted salty on my tongue.

So I tried taking out the turkey bacon and it went down much easier.

I'm now down 7 kg since 3 weeks ago.

I'm wondering whether the weight will stop plummeting.

I'm only going to write this next bit because I know you won't read it.

Just because I know you don't read my blog.

And I don't want to hurt you by saying this to your face cos I know coming from me, it will hurt.

I'm just feeling a little bit peeved at you.

Cos you weren't there for me yet you expect me to be there for you all the way.

I'm not saying that I won't.

I'm just trying to reiterate that it's a two way thing.

I can't keep on giving if you won't let me do the taking.

Whatever it is that I'm feeling, I know it will pass soon.

I just had to write it down somewhere so I don't crack under more shits.

Just know that I still love you loads.

*

On a page inside a spiral notebook

It's your name over again

Intertwined around the cold black lines

How do I make you fade away

Mummy said there will be days like this

Last count.

10 breakdowns in 5 days.

Drained is really an understatement for me right now.

At least its some comfort to my eyes that the last 8 breakdowns weren't as major as the first 2.

I guess the reason for all the succesive breakdowns is simple.

I kept it in too long.

I burst.

End of story.

After the breakdowns, Life had to deal me another bad hand.

Somehow, (I have no idea how) I contracted another 39 degrees celsius fever.

Less than a month since my bacterial infection.

in the last 3 weeks alone, I've lost a total of 6 kg.

3/4 of my pants are all dropping off me.

Even my school uniform skirt is getting a tad too lose.

If I lose anymore weight I swear I'm gonna be like an anorexic satay stick.

Anyway, since I had a high fever again,

the weekend has seen me lazing around, resting and sleeping mainly.

I went to Abg Zul's wedding with the damn pretty pelamin.

Sial ah, when I get married, I'll make sure it's on a cruise ship with a pelamin just as exquisite, black satin velvet and all. ceh mcm btol jer aku ni.

I stayed a total of 2 hours before I went off home.

The heat and the noise and my coughing just made me miss home.

Bani and Dilah came over right after I reached home and changed, coughing my way through everything.

We chilled a while before Bani had to go off for work which left Dilah at my house until late afternoon.

Bnyk kau nyer nk balek at 4pm.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're on cloud 9 and then suddenly lightning strikes?

and you fall head first to the ground miles below?

And you lie there in a pool of your own blood, not feeling aything because there is too much adrenaline coursing through your veins , it numbs the pain?

And then finally after a long while, the pain comes rushing back and that's when you really wished the fall had killed you instead.

It's funny isn't it?

How you try to run away from everything and it all catches up with you sooner.

And then you're caught blind trying to find your way out of all the things suffocating you.

Just so you can run away again.

I've been running all my life.

As much as I tell myself I've stopped.

I haven't.

I'm just running faster, trying to kid myself that I can get away from it all.

*

I stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring.

And I wanna make it worth the fight.

This is all for you

Tak ingin lagi
Dan tak mahu lagi berpisah
Bukan dengan kerelaan hati
Penyesalan yang tiada kesudahan
Ku tersepit dalam jerat sendiri


Ku genggam kenangan indah
Simpanlah senda gurauan
Andainya kau kerinduan
Itulah jadi penanwar
Sungguh ku terharu dan pilu
Kasih kusemai kau abaikan
Putusnya ikatan cinta
Mungkin tiada jodoh kita


Berdosakah diriku
Terpaksa melepaskan
Cintamu yang serapuh
Dahan nan kering usang
Yang akhirnya kan patah
Terhempa gemeretap
Oh sungguh memilukan
Tak dapat ku bayangkan
Seribu kali sayang
Sangkaku kan ke mati
Cerita kasih kita
Rupanya seketika
Setelah merelakan
Setelah kau bisikkan
Segugus janji-janji
Tergamak kau mungkiri
Apakah sebenar yang terjadi
Hingga kau bersikap demikian
Sedangkan kau
Sesungguhnya percaya
Kasihku tak berbelah bagi
Aduhai
Tak sanggup ku kenangkan
Semua telah nyata
Cintamu gurauan
Datang dan hilang
Semahu hatimu
Itulah falsafah
Pegangan cintamu
Namun harus kau ingat
Hati yang manakah
Selamanya kan sabar


Terasa bagai ditusuk sembilu bisa
Pedihnya entah bila akan terhenti
Berkasih di rimba asmara berapi
Terbakar hanya ku sendiri
Oh mengapa...
Ke mana hilang janji dan sumpah setia
Ke mana tumpah selaut harum kasturi
Apakah mungkin kan terulang kembali
Asyiknya cinta bagai dulu
Atau serapuhnya mimpi
Yang pulang pagi...
Semakin ingin aku lupakan
Dan semakin bayang wajahmu kan menjelma
Di manakah puncanya derita
Kusendiri tidak pasti.. sayang...

Jikalau pelangi enggan bermain

Wewarnanya…

Jikalau mentari enggan berkongsi

Berbahangnya.. (ohhh…)

Barulah aku mengaku

Cinta kita telah musnah

Barulah aku mengaku

Cinta kita kekal padah

It's paradigm shifts all over again

This week has been full of shit for me.

I feel and look like crap.

Been breaking down since Monday night after Shaf left my house.

All together I think I've broken down a total of 6 times in 3 days.

Very bad for my eyes.

Apparently, its paradigm shifts all over again.

I'm just scared I'm not strong enough to stand it all.

Standing alone with no direction
How did I fall so far behind?
Why Am I searching for perfection?
Knowing it's something I won't find
In my fear and flaws
I let myself down again
All because
I run
Till the silence splits me open
I runTill it puts me underground
Till I have no breath
And no roads left but one

It's all about the pictures.

These are all the pictures from Sunday night's Midsummer Night's Dream.

I'm too tired and lazy to blog about it in detail.

So this post is just pics.

As a group, with Dil in some photos.

Me and Lasse.

And this is my shit companion Nami.

Vani the gangsta.

Afiqah Mazlan and Afiqah Alias.
aka
Fi and Fiqa

I love this photo and I love the babe beside me. 5 years and counting. :)

Random pictures of the lovebirds, nami and dil. fiqa and shaf emo.

ilham and fiqa emo. and the lovebirds and the bro and sis.

Next up are photos taken the day after.

I'm compiling them all on 1 slide cos I'm too lazy to upload them up one by one.

These past two days havent been good to me at all.

Dilah thanks. i love you for everything you've ever done for me and for understanding me beyond what i can ever expect out of anyone. thanks cinta. and feel honoured yeah? haha.

I can't believe I broke down in front of you.

There's no roads left

So I came home at a record time of 1 am yesterday.

Thank god I managed to catch the last bus.

If not I would have had to walk home and probably reached close to 2am.

i'm not gonna blog about yesterday just yet cos I wanna add the photos as well.

so i'll blog about it later at night (after i'm done with my lit essay) and after Ilham and shaf and dil(sorry nasz, i can't call you that.) send me the photos.

Am in the library right now.

Apparently today is a damn slack.

cos cikgu's not here which means malay and PW is self study.

and ms universe is out at the pre-u seminar with my ying ling.

ahh. i'm gonna miss her.

it really surprise me how i'm so attached to all the bitches in my class.

I love all of them like shit.

haha.

When there's no roads left, we somehow still find our way regardless of whether we'll get hurt along the way.

The msgs me and Shaf send each other

Me:
Dedaun melayang ditiup bayu
menghujani bumi tanpa henti
kau mmg muker tk tau malu
perasan puji diri sendiri


Her:
Eh... taik hidung kau dala masin
nk step tak miss aku langsung
aku tk heran lau kau tk miss ku satu sen
aku tau kau miss si sotong


Me:
HAHA! siak ah kau! rabak ah buat pantun...memandai jer.


Her:
Haha. kate spontan beb. syg nga uat pe ar syg?


Me:
i nga buat karangan. syg i pat saner nga buat pe?


Her:
Syg u nga tryign to do karangan bt tk leh buat. tink of you too muchla syg. biler ntah kite dapat bertemu eh. dala keluarga u slalu tk suker dgn i. kiter elope aje la syg.


Me:
tkleh ah syg. i tk de duit. tkpe. bersabarlah sygku. nnt kiter bertemu di syurgawi.

HAHA! mepek je.

Waste sms aku jer.

See what boredom can inspire us to do.

HAHA.

I laugh everytime I read them.

I remember the stupid msges we msg each other in the mornings when on the way to tampines mrt.

And i'll be sniggering on my own on the bus and people will give me weird looks.

HAHA.

those were the times.

whatever it is, i love you shaf!

:)

What if there's nothing there?

I haven't been cam-whoring a lot lately.

Partly because I've been too caught up with work and partly because of the eye bags that have permanently stuck themselves to the underside of my eyes.

I see them staring starkly out at me whenever I place myself before a mirror.

I still look pretty much the same but when I look closer, I see the weariness etched into the subtle lines of my face, the slant of my eyebrows.

I see the luminescent sheen of my irises, like there are unshed tears brimming just below the surface.

I know for a fact that last year changed who I was.

Revamped my whole being and transformed my whole outlook of life.

I could never be content being the same person I was or hanging out with the same people I used to.

It strikes me how I never thought I would go anywhere yet now, a mere year later, I'm miles away from where I was.

It's just too hard to travel back to that same place that once gave me comfort and made me feel safe.

And if you gave me a choice, I'd tell you I never want to.

To travel back that is.

and that's only because I've seen what's on the other side of the door.

I'm not really sure whether I'm making sense.

Just take it as me rambling as usual.

I've been established as a people person.

Not that I mind.

I was just thinking how true it is.

How my every move is fueled by the people that I love and care for.

And how I feel for other what they can't feel.

Mrs. Nathan asked me "Do you ever feel yourself so burdened?"

I looked at her and I answered honestly that yes, I've felt like that.

She gave me this look that I cant quite decipher and said "You're carrying every one else's burden as well."

I found myself at a loss as to what to say.

Sometimes when I breakdown, it's not because of me.

It's because everything just got too much.

Those who know me well will know this part of me.

How I rarely cry over myself and you'll never get to see me do that.

Most of the time, whatever shit life throws at me plus all the worry I feel for whoever it is all piles up and just burst.

And its a real catharsis of emotions.

Because I will do my damn best to hold it all in until it cracks and bursts on its own self.

I guess I'm just afraid that if someone ever took the trouble to fight me off and knock down all my walls, they'll find nothing there.

This is gonna be random

You take the breath right out of me.

You left a hole where my heart should be.

You got to fight just to make it through,

'cause I will be the death of you.

I finally paid for the Midsummer Night Dream tickets on Sunday.

Apparently the dress code for 0734A on the day is black.

No surprise really.

I'm wondering what to wear.

Hmm...

This post is gonna be random.

I'm in the whole reflective mood again.

Meaning that there are too many thoughts running around in my head that it's hard for me to pick one to write about.

I read your blog.

Somehow I find myself at a loss of what to say to you.

I always imagined that I knew what to say to you and make it all better.

But I realise that I can't afford to make it better for you anymore because you're too lost.

I don't know how to reel you back into life and tell you to stop what you're doing.

Just because it's not only hurting yourself but it's hurting everyone else too.

I don't know how to tell you that I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe if I was the one in your shoes, I would be exactly like you.

But then I found myself thinking that if anything like that ever happened to me, I'll be a different person.

I won't do what you are doing.

Because I'm like you in so many aspects yet I'm so different from you.

And I don't know how to tell you that.

I feel the fire burning in your eyes as you look at the world and the resentment pouring out of you scares me.

Even though I hate to admit that it does.

You're dancing with the devil and I wonder if you have any idea.

Love is when your heart aches and breaks when he's sad. Love is when you cry for his pain even when he's strong. Love is when his eyes sees your true heart and touches your soul so deeply it hurts. Love is when an incomprehensible mix of pain pulls you close and holds you to him. Love is when you accept his faults because that's part of who he is. Love is when you are attracted to others but stay with him faithfully, without regret. Love is when you give him your heart, your life and your death. Love is pain, agony, torture, a powerful death of self yet it is so addictive and that is the beauty of love.

I want so much to be able to fall in love unrestrainedly, kinda like how I did with you.

But deeper.

I want to feel that heart wrenching pain of love so deep it hurts.

I feel it all bubbling just under the surface, lapping at my insides like the ocean waves.

Yet I feel it's all held back.

It's like you left a hole right where my heart should be and now it's just an empty abyss.

I can't feel.

And I can't help but wonder why.

Stay with me, and I will show you the night; we will gaze upon the stars; the moon that I adore. All without the expectation that you should mimic their luminescence, my darling, but so that you will heighten your flame in faith as you see that you are not alone between the eons of twilight.

*

I am obsessed with beauty.

The true naked terror of it.

Because to me, nothing contains more incandescent beauty than pain.

I never asked if you could...

I'm finally able to blog after such a long period of time that blogger screwed up on me.

I've been missing quite a bit of school this past week.

Missed Monday from the bacterial infection I suffered from since the last thursday.

(I found it amusing that I had a bacterial infection a week after ying ling had a viral infection)

Came home late on Tuesday cos I went for my first ever debate session where I totally screwed up selection cos I totally forgot the new French presidents name and also because I got flustered when I was trying to deliver my speech.

Yesterday night was the night that I came home the latest on a school day.

Made it home at 12 since I had to travel from Nad's house in Sembawang all the way to Pasir Ris.

Was too tired to drag myself to school so I rested at home and studied for GP.

covered all that I need to cover so I'm just left with my 2 karangan-s to do.

I freaking miss talking to Muhammad Farhan bin Diab.

Seriously an, I miss you sia.

know you're damn busy and you'll call when you start missing me too much. haha.

I never asked if you could...But if I asked you to, would you?

The Fire In Your Eyes

Fire
it burns and destroys
ravage and devastate
spiralling out of control, unrestrained
a myriad of a thousand colours
the beauty of such a flame
that same fire in your eyes
burns yet it heals
heals though there's still pain
spiralling out of control, unrestrained
you took the breath right out of me
and left a hole where my heart should be

We'd reach forever and ever

I feel the fatigue wrapping itself layer by layer over my muscles, seeping into my veins.

Sometimes, I'm hit with a spasm that I can't control.

A fatigue so thorough that I can't bring myself to get out of the bed I flopped myself on a few mintues before.

It makes me miss the times when I had control. (or so I thought) during the period of self-inflicting tattoos on my skin.

In the brief moments where I am so tired, I severely crave those times yet feel angry at myself that I even allow myself to.

Maybe it's the weather. the rains have a tendency to bring out my melancholic side.

Or maybe it's just the journey back and forth each day. The routine.

The same bus routes.

I can take routine but I don't necessarily like it.

Yet when routine ends with change, I scream for familiarity.

It's easy to blame it all on Time.

Time that took away things I haven't begun to fully appreciate.

Indifferent is a very good way to describe my attitude towards Time.

I just don't count it.

It just passes. If I happen to notice the time, then I do. If I don't, then I just don't.

Hmm. I read the post over again and I realise I'm not coming to my point.

As usual, there's just too many things running around in my head.

If I took the time to string them all together, end to end, they'd reach forever.

Paradigm Shift

This whole week has been pure CRAP.

Gemilang rehearsal everyday until 9pm.

The stress kept on mounting along with the homework assigned.

I took a day off from school on Tuesday to rest and clear my mind and catch up on homework.

Coincidentally, fiqa, nami and shaf also didn't go to school.

We were all just so sick and tired of everything and anything to do with gemilang and school.

Dilah came over to keep me sane while I did my work.

The next day in school, a day before the actual gemilang date, I was suddenly assigned the last minute task of assistant to Aisyah for ushering.

Meaning to say Cikgu relayed info to me and I was supposed to pass it all to Aisyah.

I was pretty okay with it since I knew all the ex-co members were stressed up.

So I passed on the info and gemilang rehearsal went quite smoothly compared to other rehearsals.

Then the big day arrives.

Everyone was tired and stressed up.

When the whole thing started, I helped Aisyah do the usher briefing and all that.

Somehow, I got roped in to becoming a runner and found myself running up and down the school.

Last minute change of plans was frustrating and confusing.

And my phone decided it was the right time to screw up.

After running about, I honestly thought I was quite free and started to ease up from all the pressure and tension and just be prepared to collect the results from the judges and pass it all to Cikgu Ali in the staff room. (which means more running)

Then somehow, I found myself becoming the stage manager after Cikgu Hani asked me something and then we realised that the whole programme was 20 minutes too fast.

So then began this whole section of trying to stall time and diffrent opinions and miscommunications made everything worse.

So I was running about like a mad person, up and down LT3, trying to ignore the stares of all the peple in the LT and on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Thank god Nazurah was such and angel and she abandoned her post to keep me calm and sane while I tried to keep it all under control.

And Cikgu Hani's calm-ness helped the ex-co members and me keep our heads about.

Soon, the whole thing was over.

The relief I felt when the whole thing was over can't be described.

Shoutouts:

Dilah: Thanks so much for keeping me sane on Tuesday and picking up your phone when I needed to de-stress. I owe you. Thanks.

Nazurah: Thanks for keeping me sane during the whole gemilang and for abandoning your post to keep me calm. Thanks for fanning me with air and telling me to relax whenever I got a lashing. Thanks also for being my remembral when I couldn't even remember anything anymore.

Hajar: Thanks for feeling the way I feel and stressing together over it and willing to get shot down with me. You rock girl!

Khairin: Thanks for listening to me talk and being there with me when you saw I was a total wreck. Thanks for wiping away my sweat and the tears forming in my eyes with your towel.

Nadiah: Thanks for offering to be there and listen and lend your shoulder to cry on when I was in need of one. You rcok la babe!

To everyone else, thank you so much. You're all my darling angels and I am so glad god graced me woth your prescence.

The ropes are frayed now

I've been so busy that I have no time to socialise.

Other than the classmates I see everyday, I haven't been meeting up with anyone.

There are days when I honestly feel that I've lost touch with the outside world.

Outside world meaning the circle of friends consisting of all my TK girls and random friends.

I try to find time to at least catch up but I find that there's no time.

With the exception of Dilah, I haven't had time to catch up with anyone else.

And mostly I complain and destress by talking to Dilah, like my sos system or something.

So it's not really counted as catching up.

It's sad to think that I'm so busy now, I don't even have time for my own friends.

It's not that I resent the fact that I'm in JC.

It's just that I wish it wasn't this hard.

It's the dark corners between the shelves

I'm currently at the National Library, trying to find out more about Sherry Lansing for project work.

Unfortunately, there is nothing new about her that I haven't already known.

Even the librarian said that she's not a very well-known person in terms of the contributions she has made becasue it's considered quite recent.

Furthermore, she is well-known in the American film industry which means that it is hard to find stuff on her in the reference library.

It is also utterly frustrating that my ST wanted a fair weightage for all research mediums.

Meaning, 33% from books. 33% from thw internet and 33% from magazines or newspaper articles.

The thing is, there is hardly any relevant books on Sherry Lansing.

Further research I tried online yielded nothing in return.

This is the reason why I'm typing this post right now.

My brain is so saturated and in need of rest.

This week and the next week are absolutely shit weeks.

No shit about that.

Next week is damn packed.

Gemilang finals are next week and there are so many things to be done.

That's just for gemilang.

For all the normal school subjects, there is a huge pile of work to be done.

Take a look at my list of work, everything to be in by Monday:

1)GP online discussion; 2 posts each consisting of 250 words. counted as a CA component.

2) GP articles; 2 articles with short summary and the presenting issues.

3)GP essay; introduction paragraph that encompasses your general comment, definitions and your viewpoint. Must be in one of the 6 ways accepted to write a general comment and viewpoint.

4) History; SEA tutorial worksheet 3. Inclusive of points for Indonesia, Vietnam and Burma, as well as an essay outline. Deadline is non-negotiable as it has already been extended.

5) Malay essay; 4 introductions on 4 separate questions. has to include komen am(general comment),takrif(definiton) and also your viewpoint.

6) Malay blog; create a new blog for malay where you will post an entry every day with 3 comments on any one article from Berita Harian inside. First post is pengenalan diri( self introduction)

For work not to handed in on Monday;

1) 2nd PI draft for Project work. inclusive of citations and references. 33% books, 33% magazines and articles and 33% websites.

For my own studies;

1) revise Maths since I have no idea what the hell is going on. Concentrate on standard graphs and also modulus functions.

2) go through SEA History lecture notes for term 1 and first 2 lectures for term 2. highlight key points. If there is enough time, make own notes in History note book.

3) go through International History lecture notes for term 1 and especially first lecture for term 2.

4) try to obtain a copy of The Guide by R.K. Narayan and read the first 3 chapters.

So that is my list of stuffs.

Now for my schedule for the weekend.

SATURDAY

1)go for parent-teacher meeting in school

2) go to national library and search on Sherry Lansing for PW.

3) after going to the national library, finish up homework outside.

4) go stargazing with Dilah

5) finish up other homework left behind.

SUNDAY

1) wake up early and do work

2) leave for the tarian's dance practice at woodlands since they need my iPod. do work while they practice.

3) try to finish up whatever that's not done and then hopefully sleep early.

Takes your breath away does it not?

I think we're all not used to the rigour yet.

It's way different from secondary school.

The average time I reach home is anywhere from 10 to 11.30

It's tiring but it can be done once I get used to the rigour.

Besides, after gemilang is over, things should be more settled down.

It's just too bad that everything is going on now.

Thank god Ms Charles gave me, yen ling, lasse and ying ling the option of turning down the competition on recycling which is coincidentally organized by TKGS.

I told her yesterday that it's too short notice to start the project now and she understood.

That's the great thing about her.

She understands the shit we are going through and comes to our rescue by pulling us out of stuff that we were forced into and will add to our already full plate.

Still, if ying ling can have time to study, go for Pre-U seminar, join council, balance drama and new media arts as CCAs and join a whole host of other competitions, I'm sure I can too.

"Sabar. Separuh dari iman."

"Oh eh? then lagi separuh aper ah?"

Asalkan kamu bahagia

That's the motto of 34A today.

"Asalkan kamu bahagia."

As long as you're happy.

Fiqa started the whole motto during Malay Lit class.

Pretty soon every retort was peppered with "asalkan kamu bahagia".

Partly because we were all too tired to come up with any other retort.

School was pretty uneventful.

PW was a rush to finish up GP homework and Cikgu Tetty actually stepped in to stop me and shaf from bickering about what I am supposed to get her for her birthday.

She gave us this exasperated look and told me "its the thought that counts"

I just told her that she needs to get used to all the commotion and bickering and questions and sarcasm.

She laughed and said she's trying her best to get used to all of it.

Malay Lit after that was supposed to be a group discussion but we were so out of it that we just made a lot of noise.

Not surprisingly, the table I always sit at, consisting of Nami,Nad,Fiqa,Ilham and me made the most noise and commotion.

Throw in sarcastic retorts and Ilham singing and you get total chaos.

Cikgu has to remind us to keep our volume down.

Ms Charles had to do the same thing.

But this time, instead of telling Fiqa to shut up, she told it to me.

I was talking away in class as usual.

Even more so with the impromptu mini debate we had in class.

Me and Ying Ling were debating our hearts out, trying to get our viewpoints across and covering as many gray areas as possible.

It came to the point where Ms Charles leaned back and watch us debate among ourselves.

Apparently I talked too much until she had to tell me that I was not allowed any comments after my last one.

In her own sarcastic way.

Sarcasm is fast becoming the significant trait of our class.

Even Nad's learned how to be sarcastic and fight off our retorts.

Thank god Ms Charles tolerates our sarcasm and the noise we make.

Oh crap. I'm supposed to be studying history right now.

I'm a little behind in notes.

I got this small panic attack when I saw Hannan's history lecture notes all highlighted with the margins all filled.

Still, "asalkan aku bahagia"

As long as I'm happy.

The International Brotherhood of Skuldron

It's 11.39 and I'm still struggling to complete my GP homework.
Ok fine. Maybe not struggling. I'm doing it leisurely.

Which I know I'm not supposed to do because I have to be up early tomorrow for school.

I'm pretty tempted to take another MC. I'm tempted everyday actually.

Isn't that always the case?

You just get so tired of dealing with all the workload you have to do.

It also doesn't help that I have an on-going relationship with procrastination.

Apparently I have an eye infection in my left eye that could spread to my right eye.
In other words, no contacts for a few days or so.
People kept exclaiming and asking me why is my eye all red yesterday

Even Ms. Charles asked me during civics.

Haha.

oh yes, 34A are all apparently students of a Ms. Universe.

Lolz.

Shoutouts:

Fiqa: Thanks for the pizza babe! it was a totally sweet gesture that you bought pizza for the entire class in commeration of our class's birthday, the past birthdays of some people and the birthdays of all the April babies. And also thank you so much for this;

I love it! shall pay you back kay? :)


Liyana: HAPPY BIRTHDAY girl!!! hope you like the present! wishing you all the best. happy birthday again! :)

Never leave your heart in cold ice

I'm more open towards love now.

I've always been until you crashed into my life and left before I could even take a breath.

Then my heart just...closed.

You could say that you were the one who jaded me because you hurt me so much more than haqi ever could.

You hit straight at my unprotected heart and you left this wound that I covered with a cloth to stop the blood flowing.

Yet the wound remains unhealed.

Dilah told me that I've covered the wound with a cloth to stop the bleeding but I forgot that the cloth absorbs blood.

And when the cloth is totally soaked, I finally turn my attention back to the wound and the pain I feel is magnified largely.

I suppose that's the reason why I cried over the remembrance of you last tuesday night.

Yet, in an ironic twist only life can pull off, I find that it doesn't hurt me as much anymore.

Maybe all this while, what I needed is not to push the memory and pain you granted me away, but to remember it, so that I can let it go.

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt because it still does.

Just not as much as it used to.

That's why I find myself more open to the idea of love again.

In the sense that I'm beginning to accept the idea of a significant other back in my life.

Needless to say, you killed that acceptance I had and now, I revived it back to life.

My heart is still closed but I know it'll open up sooner rather than later.

Travel back in the past

So many things have happened since I last blogged. Thus, I'll just travel back in the past a little and give a sneak preview of what the past week has been like for me.

MONDAY saw everyone scrambling to finish up template A for PW.

Ilham and Ying Ling wasn't at the parade square during assembly.

So it was only 6 of us in Lit tutorial. If you add Ms. Nathan then its 7.

We covered the Tiger and the Lamb and she set us our first set of homework.

Malay Lit was up next and Cikgu Tetty introduced herself and made us all introduce ourselves and told me and fiqa not to sit next to each other.

She had to tell us again during PW after lunch.

This time, she made sure fiqa moved her ass off the chair next to mine.

She thought us provocation and we spent the entire lesson provocating our brains.

GP saw Ms Charles giving me, fiqa,nami, syafiq and shaf the killer look since our table couldn't shut ourselves up.

And Ying Ling turned up for school albeit with her voice totally gone.

We had to read her lips the entire day.

After that was PE with Mr. Koh.

He's very nice to our class since he realises there's only 2 guys in our class.

Shaf and Nami went off for hip hop dance which left me alone to study until 7pm.

We went for dinner after that and talked all the way.

TUESDAY started off with history tutorial with Mr Mahmood.

Our class was fashionably late since we went to get out notes which cost $17.60 in total.

Mr Mahmood added to our workload a whole quiz on the first term's work.

We had PW again with Ms Tetty and she commented on all our template A work and set us more PW deadlines.

History lecture was dull and slow-going.

Civics was chaotic with half the class gone for the various humanities week events.

Ms Charles relented in the end and let the class off from doing some mindmap on Globalisation.

H1 maths was hard as expected.

MLEP was short since we all had to do administrative stuff for Gemilang semi-finals the next day.

Shaf came over to my house to study a while but I was rendered a little uncapable of studying due to the fact that I kept thinking of you.

Wednesday morning was filled with GP and how to write proper essays.

Syafiq showed his true colours in a totally unexpected moment when he calles Jia ling "basket" cos she couldn't hear what he said.

PE after that was tough and thought us all to endure pain and discomfort.

The PT we had to do was ouch.

Lit tutorial was uneventful.

Lit Lecture cemented 34A's lit students pledge of going to the UK at the end of the year.

We all agreed to raise funds somehow to meet the $24,000 our class will need to ensure everyone gets to go in December.

Malay Lit was cut really short since we all had to prepare for Gemilang,which is a project by the MLEP students.

It's an oratorical competition.

Me and Nami was stationed at the back gate to usher in those coming in from the back gate.

Since not many people came in through that gate, we had a nice talk.

She reminds me of Dilah a little cos I can have totally deep conversations with her yet crap at the same time.

Gemilang and the debriefing officially ended at 6.

After that, me, nami and fiqa decided to go and study at the woodlands library.

We stayed until it closed and then went for a quick dinner.

I reached home totally tired at 11.

My plan of staying up to complete my work failed and I resorted to doing eveything in school the next day.

THURSDAY was another mad scramble to finish up PW and for the econs students to study for their test.

Nami and Naz overslept so they didn't come to school.

Ilham was still on MC. That lucky dude got the whole week off school.

Ying Ling was late.

And Khairin was out sick as well.

The class was quite subdued and not as lively as normal.

We had PW in the library so we could do our research.

Ms Tetty stole 10 minutes off Malay lit to explain to me what exactly is needed for the proper PI draft due on Monday.

I got a headache after all her explaining and my mood was shot for break.

GP was the most funniest lessons ever.

The question: "Which is better, curing disease or preventing it?"

Ms Charles: Serene, which kind is the question? expository or argumentative?

Serene: prevent.

The question: "State 5 reasons why globalisation is bad for humans"

Ms Charles: Vanitha, expository or argumentative?

Vanitha: Descriptive.

Ms Charles: WHAT?!?? dreaming right. Its expository! So why is it expository?

Vanitha: Because it's not an argument.

Ms Charles: Syafiq, pass me a yellow highlighter so I can highlight Lasse's chosen article.

The highlighter was exchanged and Ms Charles uncapped it and was ready to highlight.

Lasse: Cher? can you use orange? I don't like yellow.

I swear with all the people in my class, my chances of getting a heartattack is way higher.

This is because;

1) all the FIQs in the class, namely shafiqah, syafiq,fiqa (and me) are all freaking sarcastic and loya burok(however you spell that).

Fiqa in particular hates to admit defeat and will find a way to win in any verbal argument.

Syafiq may look innocent and all but he is as sarcastic as you can get.

2) Nami, Nad and Khairin are slower than the rest of us.

Meaning to say, it takes a few tries to explain something to any of them.

That is also why the exclamation "huh?" and the blur face is their trademark.

3) Serene and Vanitha are the resident blur sotongs.

They pay attention yet are just blur, it defeats the purpose.

This is why any question asked to them is best not asked to them.

The rest of the class can fall into either category and put together, our class is this mixture of bubbling enthusiam,sarcasm,united-ness and everything else a class should be. :)