17 is just a number

And so today's my birthday.

Was a pretty uneventful day really.

nothing all that much special.

Just spent the day lazing at naz's house.

This is what they gave me. :D

been wanting to get this for myself since forever but since I favour Jodi Picoult more, I decided to get her works instead.

I'm gonna wrap it up in clear plastic and then put it away and not touch it so I can read it ont he train to Pahang or on the plane to London.

(YES I'M FREAKING GOING TO FREAKING UK!!! GAHHH)

Besides I gotta finish my Jodi Picoult fix first.

:)

Thanks to all the people who wished me a happy 17th.

Love you all alot alot. :D

Thanks to all that bought me the book,

Thanks Li for the cake last friday,

Thanks Naz for KFC just now,

Thanks Dilah for stealing an hour or so to come over even though you're sleepy.

Being 17 doesn't feel much different.

I don't feel older or wiser.

really.

To me, it's just another day, albeit a little bit more special.

Maybe it's the growing up part that kinda takes the thrill out of it.

The older you are, the more insignificant your birthday feels.

Just like how as you grow older, Rayer gets more and more overrated.

Time really just flies by so goddamn fast.

I still see my cousin as 17 and his already 22.

Just like how my mind will automatically freeze myself at 15 where everything was black an white with no gray in between and when it was all uncomplicated.

Even if I can't settle for 15, I'd settle to freezing Time to the early parts of this year when the politics of friendship didn't get in the way and complicates everything.

When it was all just simpler.

Jalan Rayer 0734A

Jalan rayer on both days was fun.

:)

I have no idea what to say or describe the whole thing other than let the pictures do the talking.

:D

And yes, the colour code for the 2nd day was blue. haha.


and that's dhea and ilham in the middle like pengantin baru and the rest of around around them like all the kaum kerabat in uniform blue. :)

Me and syafiq. haha. yes khai and fiqa and whoever else, he is hot. hotter in real life though.

And my loudhailer liyana. love her loads!

Happy Birthday, Nad!

Yes and today is nad's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAD!!!!!!

So we went out to celebrate it in town. :)
I'm really bad at descriptive writing, especially describing events that happened.

I guess cos I find it really dry somehow.

Anyway, I'm just going to superficially touch on the things we did today and hopefully the pictures will substitute for the lack of words.

This is us after nad has thoroughly bashed me up for the prank. haha.

As you can see, she's holding the spongebob bread spread we got for her.
smgt nad.

We were walking to Borders from Far East after lunch and we passed by this art display and well being the we that we are, we thought it'll be really cool to go in and camwhore.

And thus we have this:

At Borders and Kinokuniya, I bought 3 of Jodi Picoult's novels.

:)

Planning to collect all 12 of her works.

Going to go Kino with nad on monday to get more books.

:D

And this is the book that made me fall in love and become so addicted to Jodi Picoult's writing.

I can honestly say this My Sister's Keeper really touched my heart and I can still feel it's impact up until today.

Still decided to buy it even though I've read it cos I wanted to re-read and devour the pages up.

It's really such love.

:)

And finally, the highlight of the day is the ice cream!

As usual, whenever we're together, it gets really really havoc and chaotic.

We all had laughing fits due to lame comments, sarcasric remarks, teasing the shit out of each other, (*ahem*nad*ahem*syafiq*) and just plain having fun.

And oh yeah, I forgot to mention the part where fiqa triumphed over khai by getting syafiq to allow her to suap him apple crumble 3 times.

If you're wondering, yes syafiq is that sought after in 34A.

Sampai berebut and bergado dua org tu. -_-

But nevermind, the best thing is the fact that that guy is forver cool and calm even though we bully and tease him like there's no tomorrow.

Baik ah Syafiq! aku salute kau. :)

And thus ends a truly wonderful day with all of my much loved friends.

Hint*Hint: TKG amacam? and btw, dilah and bani, you owe me a birthday date. thanks. :)

What would I do without you?

And so I pulled a prank which turned out to be really really really not funny.

Basically I told li,naz,nad,khai and fiqa in an sms that I was withdrawing tomorrow which well, to put it nicely, prompted extreme reactions from all of them (though in different ways that is).

Their blog posts all broke my heart really cos they were so frank, honest and sweet.

I feel so bad cos I made them all feel sad and even have minor/major breakdowns.

To all of you, I am really really really sorry.

I didn't mean for the prank to turn out quite the way it did.

But you all should know that I could never truly bring myself to leave the school cos I can't bring

myself to say goodbye to such wonderful people that have always been there for me without fail and question and form my support system.

What would I do without you all to help me through JC shit really?

Today a lot of things happen.

I've felt ups and downs, joy and pain all in the same day.

I think if there's any more stuff that happen, I'm going to really crack.

This roller coaster of a day is really not good for my emotions cos it just succeeded in mingling all the emotions up and now I just don't know what to feel.

First, there's the talk with Ms. Nathan who told me something that really made me so happy.

Something to do about the 12-day UK trip.

I'm not going to blog about it yet cos I refuse to bring my hopes up.

Just in case.

Then straight after that, shaf said she's withdrawing.

That brought me crashing down.

As much as I'm not that close to her anymore, it still hurt.

As much as I feel its for the better, it still hurt.

I find myself at a loss for words when I hugged her goodbye.

All I could say was "take care" when I know that that phrase is not adequate or sufficient enough to break that wall of silence between us.

It saddens and pains me to see that it has to come to this in the end.

It saddens and pains me even more to realise that it's a deterioriation over a long period of time and by the time the threads were unravelling, it was already too late to sew them back together into that almost perfect and beautiful fabric that was our friendship.

To my few select persons, if this ever happens to the friendship I share with each of you respectively, I think I'll never believe in friendships again and I'll never trust anyone to ever get as close as you guys are to me now again.

Cinta, this applies especially to you. And I know you know so yeah.

Then I went to meet Kak Ann.

And we talked.

I had a really good time with her, as always cos she always listens and she knows me well and I always feel that I can trust her.

Not only cos she's older than me by about 10 years.

More because I know that whatever she has to say to me, she has my best interests at heart cos she genuienely cares.

Some highlights of the convo with her:

"Fiqah, you have an inner strength in you that you just somehow can't see and don't believe in. But I know. I know that you are one strong girl. I tell you fiqah, not everyone can go through what you've gone through and still emerge the way you are now."

"I know you well enough to know that no matter what, you will always find a way to pull through all this. Just like how you found a way to pull through your O levels"

"Remember how you always say you can't function without your support systems? But you prove that you can. You prove that you are strong enough to go through everything alone without intact support systems by your side."

"Fiqah, I know and I believe and have faith that you can do it. If I can do it, so can you."

Lastly, I found out that you are one hell of a liar who can't even lie properly.

I don't think, I know that you're a fucking jerkass who was just toying with my feelings just cos you can.

Kalau nk tipu pon, please, lie properly and for god's sake, cover your tracks up.

So much for all the defense you said on your part.

Wait, you're one fucking good sweettalker so hey, no surprises.

Still, as much as you're a fucking ass hole, I still wanna thank you loads.

For finally making me realise that you're not worth my tears or my thoughts let alone worthy of a place in the archives of my heart.

So from today onwards, I've thrown you away.

You and all the memories associated with you.

You're not worth the memory space.

And so that was the day basically.

There's more that happened but I'm just including the most important parts of the day.Lastly, to end off, I just gotta say that I've been thinking about arwah-nya more and more recently.

especially with the start of syawal.

Lagi, I didn't have time to visit his grave that time I went to the kubur.

It's been 9 months and I still feel the loss and I miss him so much it sucks somtimes.

Even my dad's mentioning his name more and more the past few days since malam rayer.

I guess 9 months is not enough to erase the loss and rindu the whole family feels.

And these are some pictures of him, my dearly beloved - arwah-nya Romie

It's easy for you to say

And so I got back my midcourse results today.

Disappointed doesn't even cover it really.

I guess the moment I knew I failed malay, I lost all the hope I had.

It's like I somehow had a feeling that I was done for.

In a way I am.

Even though I cleared Lit and Malay(cos of cikgu's help) and also GP, there's still no way I can pass History and secure my 6 credit points.

And History, I'm at a loss for words.

I have no idea how I can get a U yet I really studied my ass off for the paper.

Every single fucking day leading up to the paper, I studied history.

I sacrificed my malay, my maths and my lit just to study history.

And look where that got me.

Nowhere really, just leaving me stuck, neither here nor there.

It's so easy for people to say that I should have just followed my heart and gone to poly instead of pleasing my parents by going to JC.

Those are just words, sounds articulated and taking shape in the air.

Just words.

It's not quite the same thing when you're faced with a dad who's so stressed up and permanently has a disappointed look on his face cos you told him you still wanted to go to poly even with the good enough results you had.

Have you ever been faced with that kinda look?

I'd rather take him shouting at me for being so indignant but I can't take disappointment.

especially not from my dad, not when I already try so goddamn hard to win even a shred of affection from his stern and tough nature.

Not when I try so hard to cover up my mistakes and to make up for past disappointments.

Not when I try so hard to be just so, just so that he can for once say that he's proud of me.

Is it so wrong for me to want that?

For me to want him to be happy?

For me to want both of them to be happy that their daughter is gonna achieve and live the life that they never got to live and can only ever dream of?

Yeah its true that if I go to poly now, I wasted one year but if me wasting one year means I can please my parents and make them happy and content, I'd waste my whole life.

Right now, I need a miracle.

Only a miracle from Allah can help me to get through this and emerge triumphant and also still make my parents happy.

Lastly, I just gotta do this.

Just bear with me yeah.

Ibu..Ayah..

Firstly, Iqa nak minta maaf sebab sekali lagi I've disappointed you.

Iqa tau ibu ngan ayah mengharapkn Iqa pass and do well, masok uni, kerje bagos2 and teros dapat hidup senang.

Iqa tau you both tannak my life nanti to be as susah as it is for you now.

Iqa tau semua tu, sebab tu Iqa betol2 minta maaf sebab da kecewakn ibu ngan ayah.

Iqa tk salahkn ibu ngan ayah walau sikit pun sebab terlalu mengharap Iqa masuk JC dulu.

Iqa cuma salahkn diri Iqa sendiri sebab tk put in enough of my heart and soul into JC life.

Iqa tau kiter tk selalu berbual pasal bende2 ni semua cos that's just how our family is.

It's so hard untok Iqa express ni semua properly walaupun kadang2 ibu nangis, titiskn air mata sebab ibu da mati akal cuba nk berbual and get anak ibu ni untuk express her feelings.

Balek2 ibu yang selalu terpaksa mengalah walaupun hati ibu terguris.

Iqa sedar ni semua.

Iqa pon sedar di saat kawan2 Iqa semua lari, saat Iqa really at a low point, ibu ngan ayah jugak yang setia dan teguh support Iqa tanpa berbelah bagi.

Ayah jugak yang dengan cepat rush to my defense sebab ayah tetap berkeras nk protect your child ni from orang2 yang tergamak sakitkn hati dier.

Iqa tak terkata dan tk akan dapat balas balek segala jasa yang ibu ngan ayah curahkn pat Iqa kerna sesungguhnya, you both da terlalu banyak berkorban supaya your child ni sentiasa bahagia.

Sesungguhnya selama ni Iqa tk pandai kenang jasa ibu ngan ayah, tak pandai hargai.

Iqa tau dan sedar hanya ngan producing results and doing well jerr la yang Iqa dapat bayar balek segala jasa ibu ngan ayah tapi tu pon Iqa tk dapat laksanakn ngan sempurna.

Dan Iqa berani ckp, andainya syurga itu di bawah telapak kaki ibu, sesungguhnya besar kemungkinan Iqa tk kn dapat jejak lagikn pandang taman indah itu.

Ibu...Ayah...

Warkah ni cukup pendek dan tk dapat mungkin convey all that I want to say tapi I know you understand me.

Akhir kata, Iqa nk mintak maaf sekali lagi and I just want to say that I really really love you no matter how little I say it.

And once again

Okay. This is the first time I'm blogging in a really long time.

And so today is rayer.

Before I start my entry proper, I wish all my family and friends selamat hari rayer and maaf zahir batin. :)

This year's rayer feels really different from all the other years before.

It's like I really don't feel like rayer.

The thrill and anticipation that normally precedes today is absent.

I just feel like its any normal day except that I dress up and go out visiting.

My sister said rayer's starting to get more and more plastic now.

Maybe its cos of promos and PW and what not else that occupies my mind and all.

Speaking of promos, my results are not all that great so far.

failed malay (of all things!) and just managed to scrape passes for 2 out of 4 lit essays.

I guess I'll know one way or the other on tuesday whether I can get promoted or not since I'm getting back all my lit essays then.

Part of me is aching to pass yet a bigger part of me just wish I'd screw up so I can go to poly and be done with JC.

Besides, my support systems may not get promoted and we made a pact so I don't know wheter I wanna go up without them.

I know I'll still look into poly even if I do get promoted.

Was talking to nadia and she told me she may not even make it to uni.

And we're talking about my cousin here.

The real smart ass of the family.

-_-

Fadly wasn't at my grandma's house.

Qai said he went back to Indon with his other cousins and his uncle.

I guess after the divorce, he just won't be around anymore.

I miss him like fuck shit.

He's closer to nadia and haiqal but he's still my twin brother.

It's really weird not seeing him around this time.

The house feels a little more empty and his dad just seemed kinda lost the whole time I was there.

Its sad to think that I may not see him again but whatever it is, Fad, I sincerely hope you don't get yourself into anymore shit and that you're doing okay wherever you are.

Hope you do well and get into La'salle like what you've always wanted.

I love you okay you ass.

:)

And yes as always I see you again.

And damn, you're still as hot and as cute as ever.

Too bad you could only stay for 15 mintues or so cos the house was full.

still, it was good eyecandy for me. haha.

I'm sorry but I can't ever bring myself to accept you again, no matter how many times you ask and no matter how cute and charming I think you are and no matter how freaking sweet and subtly flirt-y you can get.

You just never learn how to give up huh?

By the way, wearing the same colour as me is not a sign that we are fated to be.

-_-

nevergive up soon boyy.

omg.

I think I've totally put on the weight I lost.

There was just too much good food.

especially at my mom's side.

Me and nadia couldn't resist the roasted chicken and the huge tiger prawns masak sambal.

The chicken especially, was such a killer. absolutely heavenly.

gahh.

so much for not eating dinner. -_-

As I've mentioned before in one of my earlier posts, something funny will always happen when my family gets together.

Nothing really funny happened just now.

Except when my auntie (the one that swallowed perhiasan bunga thinking its bubble tea pearls),

panicked and told me to petik a bunch of the neighbour's daun pandan cos the nasi was finishing and she needed to cook.

And well, being the good niece that I am, I did petik some for her.

So, to whoever it is that stays in front of the lift on my grandmother's floor, I'm really sorry I nearly botakkn 1 side of your pandan plant.

If I'm not your everything

So today is the third day in a row that I've gone to Geylang.

Finally got my original Ungu CD.

:) :) :) :) :)

Been listening to the whole list all day.

Ungu-ing is such love although it breaks my heart sometimes.

Still, it's good at times like this when shit happens.

Not all wounds are superficial.

Most wounds run deeper than we can imagine.

You can't see them with the naked eye.

And then there are wounds that take us by surprise.

The trick to any wound or disease is to dig down deep and find the real source of the injury.

And once you've found it...try like hell to heal that sucker.

- Grey's Anatomy, Where the Boys Are

So now I'm merely a nothing to you?

Just a blank space that now fills your slate.

Hmm. Go figure.

I should have known better.

Please. stop chasing me.

Unless you're ready to catch me.

Sometimes its gotta be that way

I consider myself pretty lucky really.

I've got an intact family.

Although we sometimes have our differences, it's all generally good.

(on days that my mum's not pmsing and my dad's not in a bad mood that is)

And I have friends around me who are always there to support me and all.

Sure I only ever really talk to a select few but still, the feeling that I know there's always someone out there who has my back is nice.

Sure I don't really let my real self show to anyone now, but in a way, that's gonna make me stronger cos I gotta learn to fend for myself

I know I've made plenty of mistakes before, I screwed up before.

But I can honestly say that I've tried my best.

I may not be that shade of perfect that is just right for everybody but I try to be somewhat like that for some people.

At least the people who've helped me through shit, sticking with me through thick and thin.

People always tell me I don't pay myself a much attention as I do to others.

That I neglect myself more often than not.

I know in a sense they're all true but that's just me.

I kinda like that streak in me cos it means that I have the capacity to feel for people, to empathise.

And that's cool with me.

:)

Actually, to tell you the truth, I have no idea where this post is going.

I'm just letting my hands do the typing so I suppose this is once again my mind in randomised, shuffled mode.

I know I'm a numb-er, that is I always just numb myself so I don't have to feel.

It's not really a healthy way to deal with shit but its my way and I think if you force me to feel it all at the same time, I'd crack worse than last time.

That's why I refuse to let myself feel for you.

Not completely at least.

I'll re-numb myself after a while so that I won't feel again.

I know my sub conscious will never let me forget cos really at the most slightest mention of similar circumstances or say your name, I'd start feeling a little.

I know that I'm still not over it no matter how many times I say I am cos hell it still hurts like shit.

I know that I'll need a lot of time to get over it totally

But trust me I will.

When my prince charming comes with the right key and a huge microwave machine so he can defrost my heart.

(omg. I'm talking like this and I still have the capacity to be lame. -_-)

Then yeah I'll get over you.

Or maybe I'll get over you when I let myself feel but that's not gonna happen anytime soon so yeah.

My post is so random. haha.

Hmm, I suddenly feel like chilling at the carpark for some stargazing.

Now is the perfect time

I'm really sad.

The Ungu CD I bought with my own money that I painstakingly saved is pirated.

I honestly thought it's original. I never thought to actually check it properly

and well now its too late.

The cd insert isn't what dilah got.

It's only a measly page with all the lyrics squeezed in.

lucky the actual cd itself is working if not I'll just kill myself.

damn it la.

i'm fucking sad okay.

da la enough.

bani, stay strong babe.

anything msg k.

me and fadh are always here to back you up.

no shit.

And it's all over!

Finally it's all over!

The killer exam day for me that is. :)

To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I could make it through this whole day sitting for 3 h2 papers.

Had somewhat of a nervous breakdown the night before and I was seriously considering not coming for the paper (this was me in my nervous breakdown state mind you) and taking a bus from Sengkang to where ever; maybe the airport(too cold) or pasir ris park(too hot and humid) or the carpark rooftop(waaay too hot plus there's a chance I might bump into dad) or go back to TK and hide out in mrs Y's room (what if she's not in? and I'm an ex TKGian) or go visit Dr B (her clinic's too close to my mum's workplace and I don't really know which stop to stop either so I might get lost) and god knows what other places I thought of.

I woke up tearing cos well I couldn't sleep properly and I was still in that nervous breakdown state (thank god it was a full blown one).

Somehow managed to calm myself down with the aid of dilah who very kindly replied my eccentric messages early in the morning. Thanks cinta! aku syg kau okay? :)

The history paper was a little easier than I expected.

However I successfully screwed up the paper cos my time management sucks.

Didn't have time to complete my ASEAN sbq properly and I rushed through it providing this extremely touch and go thing that even I myself was disgusted at.

A complete disaster would be the IH essay where I only wrote half a page cos I ran out of time.

So suffice to say, I screwed up history even though I studied like fuckshit for it.

Lit after that was goood.

I was expecting this super hard paper especially so for the PC but the PC was okay.

I understood both sets of poems so making a choice was much easier.

I chose to write the set on Love instead of the one on war(which Ying Ling spotted and it really did come out).

Again a major problem here was time management.

I spent 1 hour 20 minutes on the PC alone so I hope all the time and effort I spent on it pays off in the end if not (quote Ying Ling) I'm just gonna kill myself.

I managed to write a complete essay for The Guide but I don't think I really did it much justice.

Basically, the lit paper was exactly like how Ms N said it will be.

No tricks.

After lit, had a chance to meet up with the other girls before the 6 of us were quarantined.

It was kinda cool actually.

Being quarantined in the VIP room with comfy chairs and air con and food that was provided for us and all.

Naturally, if you put the 6 of us together, lots of laughter, jokes and lame, loser and in Ying Ling's case retarded moments ensued.

I had fun actually. :)

Malay was okay.

With the aid of Nad's notes (although it was kinda chim in a way that was beyond me) I managed to cram in some stuff last minute.

So yesss finally the freaking day is over!

I'm so relieved and elated that I don't even care about the fact that I have another 2 papers on thursday.

I honestly don't care right now.

Cos my main aim is to enjoyyy!!

Ahh the bliss and joy of having gone through such a day.

The only point of contention I have is that my entire right arm is aching like shit all the way up to the socket.

This is what happens when you write 15 or so pages for 8 essays in one day.

Thank god the number of essays wasn't the same for all papers if not that'd mean 12 essays and about 20 or so pages. (seriously!)

On the whole I'm pretty happy and

Overall I think I can somehow scrape some passes to get promoted.

hopefully.

please.