tangled up in paper dreams

I've haven't been blogging for what seems like the longest time. Still, I'm not going to bother summarizing/recounting/story-telling what happened in my sadly non-existent life. So this post is going to be really random and super short. Because, the paper dreams are just calling and I really time does not afford me any luxuries right now.

1. I feel horrible because I completely forgot my mum's birthday was yesterday and I only remembered today when she asked if I want to go out and eat a later supper to celebrate. arrgh.
2. Apathy is serving me pretty well when it comes to various political systems in the friendship sphere. Or so I would like to think
3. I am getting increasingly better and a super pro at numbing myself. It helps in this hellish paper chase.
4. Apparently, stress and the big A's have reduced me to absolute lethargy.
5. I absolutely hate it when anyone tells me that I have the potential because my results are not showing it damn it.
6. Talking about my past flings/no strings attached(or so it seems)/casual as well as serious no shit relationships has made me even more increasingly convinced that I don't believe in true love.
7. Co-habiting is a strangely appealing idea but my parents will murder me and besides, I believe more in the sanctity of marriage.
8. 1 year, 1 month and 3 days and counting.
9. I want to watch fireworks light up the sky like diamond glass explosions.
10. I am so tempted to take Lit in uni but Ying will kill me and I will only end up killing my career prospects. Thus why psychology is starting to seem more appealing. but oh god, i'll have to do maths
11. I miss writing fics and sajaks and I have tons of ideas, scenes that I craft out in my head but I just don't have the time to write. ergh.
12. I cannot make such STUPID mistakes in Prelim 2 or the A'levels ever
13. I think, therefore I am. I hurt, therefore I am.
14. If I can say anything to you, I'd say; doushite, kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou
15. I want to learn how to fly without having to learn how to fall first
16. I want to watch the sunset from the beach and stargaze on the carpark rooftop.
17. I think that; happiness is too fleeting, trust is too abstract, faith is not tangible, love is overrated, loss hurts too much, death is but the next great adventure and life in general is too transient.
18. I can't wait for starbucks coffee with my moron tomorrow because I haven't had it in ages and because she's the person for now.

And that's all I have to say. Given the 89 days left to A's, I'm tapping into a single-minded focus state of mind and thus, I'm going to go on

HIATUS

and I'll only blog if I really really need to(which I doubt I will). Until my freedom starts, this is it for now.

So until then, keep your chin up and take care.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I spent the whole of Friday and Saturday sleeping or doing equally useless stuff.
Spent some time with the girls on Friday and we went for donuts which was nice and we should do that more often. whenever the hell we can find the time to that is
I went home and slept for less than 2 hours before my mum woke me up to go for ngaji and I actually teared when I was getting out of bed cos it actually hurt to even lift myself off the bed.
And then I cried some more in the toilet during my shower because it hurt every time I move and I was just so tired and all I really wanted to do was curl up under the covers and sleep.
After ngaji, I slept at around 1 plus and then I had to wake up early the next day for madrasah but I was still so tired and my eyes looked like shit.
After I finally dragged myself home, I slept all the way until 7 and then lazed around while waiting for dilah to come over because I haven't seen her in a month
we watched a video which hurt my stomach so badly with all the laughing at SJ's retarded moments.
And then we talked. With the lights off.
I love doing that. One of my most favourite things to do and I won't trade it in for anything because it's that precious to me.


Today was only half productive with the stupid migraine I'm having.
It's coffee withdrawal and yes, I'm that dependent on coffee.
Unfortunately, the coffee my mum bought at home is the regular kind which is really too weak and doesn't have any effect on me whatsover. erghh.


I'm half dreading school tomorrow because I really do not want to see my history marks and also because my super packed study timetable with ying and jia(?) is starting from tomorrow onwards.
the rough plan(which took me and ying 2 freaking hours to argue and decide on) is that we'll study everyday in school until 9.
Ying's coming up with the extremely detailed timetable because she is anal-retentive like that.
Saturdays are free days that we're supposed to use to study and internalise the stuff we've already mindmapped. etc
Sunday is for meeting up to do 5-6 hours of papers with jia, either at my house or Singpost.
Technically, I will have absolutely no social life to speak off.
Except weekly saturday nights when dilah crashes.
But then again, she's technically the only one I still bother to see and interact with outside of the people in school.
(aren't you just so honured?)


With my timetable, it seems like I'll have no time whatsoever to date Haqi for the god knows how many lunch/dinner dates I owe him.
And I haven't seen or heard from him in ages.
It's like he dropped off the face of the planet. or maybe I'm just too busy to notice that he's still there, like always. >_<
And I've got no time to date Fan either.
Although I really want that meal he owes me cos I paid for the last one a few weeks back.
Besides, he grates on my nerves sometimes and that's not good.




Random: I'm totally in love with DBSK's new jap single. Technically it's been leaked like 2 months ago or something but I never bothered to go find it. Anyway, I'm super happy that they're coming back soon! and Big Bang too!
Battle should really go do their album like now. And SJ is just....I'll settle for them being back together as a united force before I pray for any albums.
Even more random: Jaejoong's voice is such love! Really really. I can just fall in love with him because of his voice. but sue will kill me if I say I love him the best. I want a guy who has a voice like jaejoong, looks like Donghae, has abs like Taehwa/Taeyang and has suave charm and charisma like Hankyung/Siwon.
I dream to much. -_-.

I'm scared to death

I just had what can possibly be termed as the most horrible scare in my life.
My mum got a msg from my dad that said that my aunt already gave birth to a baby boy.
And then somehow or other, my mum read the remainder of the msg (which asked the receivers to read Al Fathehah without mentioning that it's Fathehah syukur.) and came to the conclusion that
both my aunt and the baby passed away.
I just went numb by the time she passed the phone to me to read the msg for myself.
(Cos from her reaction, I already had the impression that all things bad happened)
And my mum just panicked even worse because my dad won't answer the phone, which only had the effect of making me feel even worse.
And she didn't help by bombarding me with panicked expressions and such.
Finally, she called my uncle and asked if my aunt gave birth and if the baby passed away and my uncle got a huge shock because the baby and my aunt are both fine.
-_-
I'm so relieved.
For a while there, I was bargaining and praying and trying to find some shred of reassurance and it just hit me how I really take so much for granted even though I try really hard not to.
Well, whatever it is, I'm just glad and happy that both my aunt and her baby are okay.
Probably going to visit tomorrow. :)


Other than that, my day today has been filled with pleasant surprises and rude shocks.
The pleasant surprise came in the form of my Lit Paper 1 PC which I got 17 for and I went "Huh" when I got the paper back because I know I misread one of the poems and only realised it half way through my 2nd page and I just somehow crapped a bit to salvage the situation.
So needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised that I got quite high for it given the facts of my mistakes.
As compared to that, MLL was a rude wake up call.
My sastera paper was disastrous.
I expected to not do well for the Karangan cos I did narrative and I expected to get what I did for Bahasa Paper.
But sastera just failed me.
It pulled my grades all the way down to a U.
yeah. I got a freaking U for freaking Malay.
sigh.
I was totally in shock that I couldn't pay attention when cikgu was going through the answers.
But, I've put it behind me for now because I know I can't afford to let it affect me.
And I just have to make sure I don't make stupid mistakes during the paper again because I can't afford that risk.
Anyway, like I was telling my friends, my NIE back up plan is starting to seem like a tangible reality if my grades continue at the rate they are.


Okay, that's all I have to say for now because GP is calling my name.
Oh ya, my cats are -_-.
I've seen them mating like twice already and it seems like over the past few days, witness sightings (my mum and sis) have seen them at it a few times already.
-_-

And everything about you is so beautidamnful

I'm on a Battle and Big Bang high right now.
Possibly because their songs are really such love!
And they get so addictive and they've all I've been listening to these past few weeks.
Oh and Sue passed me her HOT and With U album!!
Which simply equals more to Big Bang and Taeyang love. :)
Needless to say, I've been neglecting DBSK.
Not so much of Suju because my sister is currently super addicted to them and thus I have intense SJ discussions with her almost daily.
And besides, I'm still very much involved in the fandom although I haven't been keeping up so much with my writings.
Anyway, since I'm super bored, I'll do a mini pic spam of Battle and Big Bang. :)

Big Bang!

And Taeyang!

Battle!

And Taehwa!

And because Taeyang's abs was featured before, I thought Taehwa's abs deserve some attention too. :)
It's just too bad that Donghae is so freaking skinny that he is almost just bones.