Between the devil and the deep blue sea

Orbituaries. In a stark moment of realisation, it dawned on me that i have this habit of reading orbituaries. why? i can't reali pinpoint the exact reason. somehow, reading orbituaries make me realise dat the deceased were real people; lost ones loved by many. The individual who left his/her mark on this world and whose loss was greatly felt. someone who has lived his/her life as such that when they left, the world did not not blink any eye.

orbituaries are not just a way of acknowledging the passing of a loved one; it is also an expression of grief. orbituaries may sound rehearsed, the same lines day after day, just the picture that's changed.

in actual fact, they're not just words produced out of years of orbituary-writing practice. they come from the heart.

And I say that words that come straight from the heart are those that ought to be taken seriously. weigh them above all others for they are the very escence of one's soul.a real outpouring of what one reali feels. pure. untainted. and unmarred by lies.

i guess my point is; Death is inevitable. But like the words of John Steinbeck; "It seems to me that if I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying so and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world."

wow. i sound so intellectual. :)

incidentally, if you're wondering why, i'm sorta trying to practise my writing skills.

hmm. everyday's e same now.

time flies by so fast, i barely even noe wat day i'm on.

like 2dae, i woke up all disoriented, thinking why e hell is my mum waking me up on a sat.

so yea. everday's jus me n my frens n all our crazy antics.

gosh.

i find their smiles so enlightening. seriously.

there's the sweet oh-im-so-cute-u-cant-resist-me smile of nikki's with her hazel brown (sometimes chocolate-y, sometimes dark) eyes alight. (I keep insisting that they grow dark wenever she's tinking naughty stuff. say, purple n pink suffocated _______ :)

then there's mira's smile. but personally, i tink her half-grins should b made illegeal. catches me everytime.

then there's jell's naughty smile, always accompanied with a lil twinkle in her eyes. (which, btw, means danger.)

there's lollie's smile everytime someone mentions ed, followed by her turning tomato red.

there's lotsa smiles.

of course there's always ur smile. the smile u give me wen im down n ur cheering me up.

the smile u give wen ur camming, strutting poses jus so i laugh.

and the smile u smile jus cos u feel like smiling.

and all these smiles, always always make my day.

:)

An attempt to tip the scales

9.57 pm. N i'm finally toking 2 u again.

so how is my girl 2dae?

a lil screwed up right now. i had sumwat crappy days after e V day rush.

oh. u wanna tok abt it? i'm here 2 listen.

suddenly i find it so easy 2 open up.

maybe cos i dont noe u n u dont noe me so dere's no strings attached.

god, i feel so much better now.

thank you.

:)

oh god. i haf so much 2 say bt its either a bit belated or i dont noe how 2 say it

maybe e moral is to update regularly.

n yes mira. i haf updated girl.

yupps.

oh, i noe dis is a lil late bt thanx loads 2 all those hu gave me V day presents.

i feel so loved.

come 2 sch in e morn n i jus went "Wow.". shitloads of goodies on my table!

*grins*

i love all u bitches loads loads tau.TAU.

oh yeah, my hamster died. again. it was billy.

n n he died in e gross-est way possible.

tink prata n guts spilling out wen u cut a fish n apply dat 2 billy's dead body.

yes. now, imagine taking that mess out of the cage wif benji n joel clambering over u.

eww.

dat puts it damn nicely.

deals. n more deals. with loopholes?

maybe.

will it work?

hope so.

it's an attempt 2 tip e scales.

bt i dont want to.

i jus want to keep on falling.

y cant u jus let me do tt?

y dun haf 2 mend my parachute 4 me...i'll mend it wen i'm ready 2 land.

fee's getting dis tingly tingly flutterby feeling.

its scaring me a lil.

bt bt pumpkin.

*grins*

aightz, dats all i can technically tink of ryt now.

nite world.

n remember ppl; plaster a smile on ur face cos u may nvr noe hu may fall in love wif it. :) :) :)

Verbs are part of a speech that hurts the most

Been thinking random stuff lately.

u noe, e kind where u jus stare outta a bus window n let ur thots drift?

yeah. like dat

n i came to e conclusion dat verbs are part of a speech that hurts the most.

wen sumone tells u they're leaving, u hurt

cos watching them leave u hurts more den u acknowledging that they've left

wen sumone tells u they're dying, u hurt

cos watching them die, knowing that they will die hurts more den wen dey're taken away frm u unexpectedly

and wen u tell me ur cutting, i hurt

cos i cant stand seeing u hurt urself wifout me helping u cos ur jus gonna say i dun practise wat i preach.

that's onli 2 out of a lot of verbs. so yea.

im making sense arent i? :)

aniwae, i've been waiting for insparation 2 come to me but apparently, its taking it's own sweet time.

havent written aniting in a long time.

got abt 3 lines of sth n its nagging me 2 cont it bt sumhow e words wont flow.

n i jus realised dat i havent been going online in a looong time.

yeah.

dat means i havent toked 2 u in a wk? hope u still rmbr me.

e effect Sims has on u.

n i swear kan, dat dey're e most cutest ting ever tau. i was playing la den e husband n wife keep wanting to woohoo. 3 times nt enough.bloody horny or mayb dey jus haf a damn good sex drive. haha.

O'level results tmr. scary. *shudders*

ergh. my back is fucking killing me.

shall go do sth productive.in other words, cuddle up under the covers n stare at the ceiling.

ta loves.

G'nite n sweet dreams.

It's my prerogative not yours

In e lib ryt nw while e other smart intellectuals r doing their a amaths papers.

hah.

am in a veri pissed off, cranky mood.

i noe i haf no right to say since i myself do it 2 kan

bt honestly, its my prerogative.

i haf a right 2 say dat 2 u.

2 be pissed at u.

cos ur doing sth dat might spark off dis whole chain reaction.

i reali get how u feel.

cos im feeling it 2.

i haf a right damn it.

i haf a fucking right 2 get mad at u.

i hate 2 c u throw ur life away like dat.

i hate 2 c u hurt n hurting.

i dont wan u 2.

true, i haf no right 2 say.

cos im nt practising wat i preach ryt?

bt like i said;

its MY fucking prerogative over you cos i'm your friend.

it comes in my job description.

if u tink i am jus going 2 sit here n watch you do dat 2 urself,

ur fucking WRONG.

sometimes, i wish i can jus hate u forever n leave u be.

bt i cant.

i'll kill myself if i do dat 2 u.

Look, its simple reali.

u dont like me doing it rite?

so u dont do it either.

if you dont wan me 2, u dont do it.

im dead serious.

Hate every beautiful day

2dae was sooo nt a gd day...

i mean e sch part ws same old same old. nth much. normal shit u noe?

it was kinda a beautiful day actuali. nice weather n all dat. it rained!

bt after sch, everyting jus went wrong. karma or sth.

ergh.

i need 2 raaannnnt!!

let me list down e stuffs dat happened:

1)took cab 2 PP wif jell n nikki. N den on e cab, i realised dat i lost my freaking 10 bucks.

n i started 2 freak out cos i reali needed dat 10 bucks tau. 4 V day's prezzie 4 all e lunatic goons i haf as frens. bt nvm. still gt sum money left over. :)

2)on e bus hm, i left my volcom pouch on e bus. so i started 2 freak out again. called jell hu told me 2 go 2 sum sesat-ed control station 2 get it back. honestly, if my nano was inside, i wld alrdy haf been crying my heart out. reali. bt thank god i got it back.

3)i was walking hm frm mira's hse n was changing e song on my iPod. didnt c e bloody drain n tweaked my ankle a bit. damn. broke my longest record ever wifout spraining my ankle. sigh

4) i got home, tinking of getting ice cold water wen guess wat?? e fridge is SPOILED.

5) i jus realised i need 2 top up my ez-link card so bottom line is i'll only b left with 2 bucks. yupp. so tell me smart n intellectual beauties, wat in e world cn i get for a V day gift 4 like 10 ppl or so wif 2 pathetic bucks?!???

and so the story goes of fee's not so beautiful day.

im begining 2 hate every beautiful day.

Mira: get well soon darl. take meds lots cos ur eye is reali scary tau. take care. n b prepared 2 say yes 2 ashik. :) hugs n kisses n i love u.

Nikki: go shopping spree wif me soon k? n now i noe how u feel wen u lost ur hp pouch cum wallet ting. hugs n kisses n i love u.

Jell: hey babe, take gd care of urself. im always here 4 u ok? dun do aniting silly tau or i'll match it wif one of my own. love ya.

Shaf: cheer up sweetie. i noe it hurts. bt noe dat i'm here 4 u k. always. aniting, jus col or msg me tau. love ya.

aightz, i'm off nw.

sims 2 calling my name.

lotsa love world.

smile :) n 2 hell wif all of life's bitches.

Sometimes, you need someone to tell you you're wrong

It's raining again.

comforting. jus feel lyk cuddling up under the covers n gg 2 sleep.

yest was an eye-opening day in a way.

firsts for everyting. :)

lost drink-ginity. heh.

didnt try it straight up thou.

had coffee in e morning n u noe i cant hold my caffeine

esp wen i've had it everyday 4 e past god knows how many days.

bt i cant stop drinking cos im alrdy addicted 2 it. :)

so yea, didnt wanna risk a major heartburn since i've run out of my meds.

was a lil scared of dat

so drank it diluted wif coke.

cldnt reali taste aniting in e coke bottles e five of us diluted.

wasnt strong enuff ah.

bt bt e one zidd diluted ws greeaaat.. after-taste rocks.

haha.

i wan more. sheesh. i'm a bad girl. whoops.

had eye-opening talk wif nikki.

im amazed at how much she can tolerate of me.

im like e most stubborn-est person ever or sth bt she cn still have e patience 2 drill stuffs in 2 my head.

logical. she made me see wat i've refused 2 see 4 dunno how long.

dat;

1) i tink abt stuffs 2 much. esp wen i stone.

2)i live in e past. a lot. n i can't let go.

3)i love creating problems for myself. n wen dere's nth 4 me 2 worry abt, i create sth 4 me 2 worry abt.

4) i wan attn bt yet i dun wan it wen im given it.

in a way, she's right.

abt everyting.

Have i ever left you? no.

Have you ever left me?.silence.yes.

So shldn't i be the one hu's insecure instead of you?

i'm the one who's gotta live with dat everyday.

so ryt nw, i gotta go unscrew myself n listen 2 my own advice on other ppl n actuali practise wat i preach.

carpe diem n jus live my life as it comes ryt nw n nt tink 2 much abt stuffs dat happened.

i tink i reali gotta do some serious soul-searching so any1 up 2 gg 2 e beach wif me?

bt ryt now, i tink i gotta do sum self-punishment.

althou i noe i shldnt use dat as an excuse.

i tink i'll go tok 2 nikki again later.