A right time doesn't exist half the time

Everytime i log on, i tell myself to blog.

at least write a little bit, even if its a few lines.

But, (there's always a but) i never manage to get down to it

due to no fault of my own.

Finally,for the first time in days, the bottom of my screen isn't blinking admonishingly, nagging me to click its orange-filled capacity.

That's part of my daily routine these past days since the last time i ventured out to school for the PAE briefing.

my day would start with me waking up disoriented, wondering why i'm not in school.

by the time i swallowed a late breakfast,mainly hot milo and cocoa pebbles, read the paper and tickled romie and wira under the chin, the clock on the wall would show roughly 2 pm.

Mum would be screaming at me to shower, that is if she happens to be home which is not often these past month or so.

so i'd take a shower and then laze around the house, reading an assortment of things ranging from Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibilty to archie comics and even coloured adverts issued by pizza hut to tempt us mortals into indulging in a slice of yummy cheesy pizza.

I'd read for an hour or so and then switch on the lap top and indulge in playing sims 2, controlling their every move and their lives with a fierce passion derived from the inability to somehow control mine.

The budding relationship between hotshot Carter and shy Krista, as well as the deteriorating marriage of Mary-Sue and Don, would occupy my brain cells for another hour until 5 where i'd stop and watch the Ellen Degeneras show followed by Tyra Banks if i'm up for it.

(this would be the moment when i would severely miss watching Oprah)

The night would be dedicated to watching shows until 10 when i would go online for my nightly rendezvous with Fadhilah and whoever else might just happen to be online.

By 12, Dad would be screaming for me to stop and i'd log off and go watch some movie or other until 3 in the morning when i would finally doze off.

Basically, that's my day. it's falling into such a predictable routine that i feel so encapsuled and restless with a growing need to get away from it all.

Shaf once told me that i run away from everything if i could help it.

Just run away, trying to get away from all of it.

With the misguided notion that if i run away from whatever it is, it won't be able to hurt me.

Knowing shaf, it was her own way of telling me to stop running. to stop being afraid to stare the past in the face, figuratively or literally.

In a way, it kinda worked. I'm not running anymore. maybe just jogging.

dedaun melayang ditiup bayu

menghujani bumi tanpa henti

aku berlari, diiringi daun

ingin kembali

bersendirian begini, aku benci

pelukan mesra, belaian manja

dambaan, harapan hati naluri

ku ingin ia dipenuhi erti

bukan sekadar wadah mengumpul memori

mengapa tidak saja lantang teriaknya

biar aku tahu dari mula

kau hanya berteman bersandarkan sepatah kata

akhirnya aku bersendirian berlari

berlari entah bila sudahnya

saat dikurniakan teman yang benar-benar sejati

Part of some big plan

Have you ever thought that something was gonna last forever

but of course it didn't?

Maybe it's not meant to be cos it's not part of the big plan.

that same plan that was written down before we even existed.

Sometimes, the plan doesn't make sense.

There are times when I myself don't get the plan.

And i question it until i exhaust myself.

And the thing is, until now, i still don't get it.

I just can't get my head wrapped around it.

You know, those points of time when everything around you is just so lucid?

Yesterday, things got so lucid that dejavu was so thick in the air, you could almost taste it.

I was so freaking scared.

I hate it when things like that happen.

I mean once is enough but maybe, it was all part of the plan.

Whatever the plan is, right now, at this moment, i'm liking the plan.

You think you know someone

You think you know someone.

You trusted enough to trust.

It's just like how I thought I knew you.

I thought you'd back off but it just goes to show that you are every bit as bitchy as everyone makes you out to be.

I'm horribly disgusted to even think i used to hang out with you.

God. What was i blinded by?

Honestly, you told me you weren't going to apologise and fine. That's okay.

But i expected you to stop it and back off.

The story's over so why are you raking up the buried hatchet?

Goodness. You're worse than I thought.

And hello, what planet are you living in? What's the point of bitching and hurting innocent bystanders?

only cowards do that and seeing as you're one yourself, it's no wonder that's the path you choose.

and how lame. changing your blogs just so you won't get hate tags from all of us.

cowardice is rife in the air.

and i just realised why you're doing all this.

your name is a perfect acronym to explain this disgusting attitude of yours.

E M M I (with the spaces) = Enhanced Malicious Manipulative Instrument

despicable.

you think you know someone.

In a suspended vortex

I've been so tired.

Spent the whole day curled under the covers in lala land.

i supposed sleeping at 3 talking to some alien *cough*shaf*cough* shouldered part of the blame.

the rest of it goes to the O's.

i've never been more drained and stressed.

i'm amazed my back muscles are still functioning.
i would have thought they'd be all worn our right now.

and my ass is still on me thank goodness.

i half-expected it to drop off after the frostbite i've been suffering from since me and shaf started studying at the airport.

at least O's are gonna be over soon.

just as well. i was getting quite tired of it.

the whole palpitating hearbeat when the paper is in front of you and the killing of brain cells during the entire duration of the paper and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise that you didn't do as well as you thought you did after exhausting all possibilities of answers with your friends afterwards.

now, i don't know.

i just feel a little rebellious.

i hope i don't start anymore new bad habits although i'm itching for a ________.

just to remember what it feels like.

needless to say my mom will kill me if she ever finds out.

actually she found out that time and strangely, she didn't kill me.

must be my lucky day.

right now, i feel like i'm in a suspended vortex.

its so sad to think that what was once there just isn't anymore.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

What would you do if you were given a choice?

A choice between doing what you know is right and doing what you think is right?

in other words, to follow your heart or your head?

what would you do?

would you be prepared to take the risk if you follow your heart?

i can't help thinking whether i'm prepared or not.

i know even if i ask all the people in the world, ultimately the choice has to be made by me.

and i'm so scared of doing what my heart tells me because i don't want to get hurt again.

but then, i can't just walk away and do what i know is right because i want to know what's on the other side of the door.

i want to know if the grass is greener there.

The thought of what if is haunting me.

I know that even after i'm done typing this, i still won't have a clear decision.

the thought of leaving it all up to fate is a little unbearable cos sometimes, you just can't leave things like this all up to fate.

it doesn't go like this.not in that way.

Someone told me "if you want it that badly, go for it. start chasing."

i would if only i didn't fear rejection so much.

i really don't know.

the truth is, i am so tired of loving you.

i wish i could stop but somehow, i just can't.

and i hate myself for it.

It's all about how to get to the next level

It just struck me how life is just like a game.

its all about how you play.

all the things that you do and all the things that you say plus all the decisions that you make can be likened to the moves you make in a game.

its all about your moves.

you are faced with a situation and you play it out.

you use all the resources available to you and you lay out all the best tactics you know.

all these just so you can get to the next level and be one up than the person next to you.

admit it, we all strive and try our best to be the best.

i suppose it's the strangely gratifying feeling you get when you move up a level is what makes us continue playing these almost addictive game.

its almost as though we weigh out all our options and choose the route that we feel will give us the most in return.

sometimes, we get a reward in the form of our heart's desire or some incentive or other but sometimes its just about making the right move.

ironically, the right move may not always be right.

But that is what is so enticing - the fact that we don't know what is on the other side of the door causes us to jump right in and take the risk even though sometimes we get hurt.

just like how we choose a particular route in a game and then we find out its the wrong move to make and we get hurt or worse, our "life" ends.

But unlike a game, our life doesn't end when we make the wrong move.

sure we may get hurt but life goes on.

that's what differs it from World Of Warcraft.

the mere fact that life is a continuous game that you just can't stop playing.

and when you've done all the things you want to do regardless of whether its the right move or not, only then can you say "Checkmate" with pride.

Sidetrack: Nine more papers to go. and next week is one packed week. i keep having to tell myself i can do this just so i don't break down and lose my mind. i don't understand how the generations before me went through O Levels. they make it sound so easy! i know perfectly well that after O's i'm going to be saying the same thing though. the irony of it. Mrs. Hoe would be proud. :) The ride's not even full launched and i already want it to stop. And the scary thing is i can't wait to get off.