The very essence of life

I'll start by stating 5 tings that have changed in me over the course of this past month.

1. I'm more positive now. learning 2 swallow e meat more instead of the bones.i mean dats wat u gotta learn in life. u got 2 have dat skill of eating fish n applying it in ur life. u haf 2 pick out the bones that are going 2 hurt and just take in wat nourishes you.

2. i'm not suicidal anymore. dats a big improvement. i love living life now. i noe dats kinda hard 2 believe coming from someone like me. lets jus say i've got shitloads of epiphanys. sometimes it takes a person's sorrow 2 wake u up from urs.

3. i haf an actual relationship wif my mum now. dat is e bestest ting ever. i love my mum. i jus never realised how much.

4. i'm more of my own person now. i realise dat i haf my own likes and dislikes. i haf my own stand and i noe wat i want.

5.i'm more independant now. i realise dat in this world, u gotta stand on ur own 2 feet. pick urself up. after all, ur living 4 urself.

hmm, I jus realised that my social circle has been widening.

dats a gd ting.

spent an entire day wif 4 other u cld call strangers.

abg wan, kak ina, shasha and yati.

had tons of fun.

went to e cemetry 1st ting in e morning.

i visited atok's grave again. read out e letter i wrote 2 him.

yes e letter was in eng n i dun tink he noes eng bt i noe he understands wat i wan 2 say.

surprisingly, i didnt cry. :)

went to upper pierce reservoir next to see monkeys. [seriously, im not kidding]

had a talk even though it was raining cats and dogs.

i must say its a nice place. peaceful and tranquil.

spent an hour or so there jus getting 2 noe each other and share our probs n all dat.

its amazing wat u have in common wif total strangers. only then will u realise dat u are never alone.

had lunch at bugis next n den went 2 bugis street for some much needed retail therapy.

bought 4 myself a handbag which is a 1st 4 me. it was a kinda impulse ting. :)

had coffee at starbucks after. i had a caramel java chip or sth lyk dat. damn nice. tastes kinda like rhummba actuali. [stoopid ting 2 do,taking off e rhummba frap. caramel rhummba fraps so rock my world]

went for x-men next. e movie so totally rocks. i loved every single moment of it. wanna watch it again.

in conclusion, i had a veri fun and great day. made some new frens and i love dat. e ability to meet new ppl and interact wif strangers.its amazing how much u can connect wif a person in jus under 12 hrs. strange isnt it how u can pour ur heart out to a total stranger and connect on a much deeper level.

its jus one of those things dat life does jus so u open ur eyes and see the true essence of life and give urself more reasons to live.

Danse Feline Sur Cordes

Danse Feline Sur Cordes

Cats on Strings.

it totally rocked!

except for the part where my heel strap broke.

lets start from the beginning shall we.

met jell and nikki at tanah merah.

we all looked damn hott and sexy. :)

walked around at raffles city 2 get 4 omi a nice prezzie.

got for her dis pretty flower tingy.

was walking 2 HMV cos Loll wanted 2 get 4 her e kaisers dvd.

dat was wen the unfortunate happened n my heel strap broke.

i had 2 walk e rest of e way to HMV barefoot.

[yes i noe its embarassing. do not remind me ok.]

den in HMV, nikki n jell sumhow figured out how 2 reposition my tudung since i had 2 use the pin 2 save my shoe.

n guess wat, us being the smart asses dat we are, we left the flower in HMV.

thank god the flower was salvaged by the HMV staff. whew.

was supposed 2 go out 4 supper after e show bt my dearest dad plonked himself outside VT since 9.30 at night jus 2 make sure i dun escape wif my frens.

hrmph.

but oh well, it was still a great night out and i loved every bit of it.

"Love sought is good but given unsought is better"

so true dun u tink?

Someone once told me

Until you walk that mile in my shoes

Until you hear my screams

Don't even claim you understand my pain

Don't say you know how it feels

I can't decide what hurts the most, you

laughing it off like you always do or the

fact that I hoped you wouldn't

it takes all my power to repair the damage you made

in this joke, this game, this masquerade

Someone once told me:

how our hearts are broken and

people continue to help piece them

back together again

and finally there'll be someone

who won't try to fix you,

who will only be there so it will

be just that much easier

for you to fix yourself

and that's when you know

the person is for you.

the person hu told me this is none other den darl nikki. so profound ryt. love u loads u profound poopie head.

:)

mira darl dun wori everyting is gonna b fine. i promise. love u loads my angel.

Realisation hits when you least expect it

All and everyting dats happening has thrown me into a whirlwind of realisation.

i realise my mistakes

and trust me, i'm doing all in my power to rectify all that i've done wrong

i guess all e other times i said i wanted out, i never managed to because i didnt put my whole heart into it

but now, i want out. and im going 2 fucking get out.

dats my promise to myself.

yupps.

this past few days have thot me the meaning of life. the meaning of frenship.

the meaning of a smile. and most of all, the meaning of a mum's love.

u noe wen u grow up, u always wanna b independant, u wan 2 prove dat u can survive n b strong wifout ur mum constantly hankering over u.

dats how i felt too.

bt now, after all dis, i realise dat i still need my mum veri veri much.

i need her love and her warm hugs and her prescence.

basically i just need her.

i love my mum loads.

i jus never bothered to realise how much exactly.

:)

before i sign out, i wanna say a little something to a special person

the person hu's always going to b dere 4 me 24/7 , 365 days in a year

so here's a little thank u frm me 2 u

i noe dat u got ur own frens and i got my own frens

but i also noe dat no matter wat, regardless of wat happens u always got my back.

u'll always b dere 4 me regardless of how annoying, irritating and goddamn bitchy i can get.

regardless of wat happened in the past

u'r still gonna b dere 4 me.always.

thnx shaf. 4 everyting.

The Movie called Life

Attended an inspirational talk jus now.

guess its high time i get my faith back.

something ustaz Aqil said struck me.

[he has a nice voice. used to be a rock singer. reali. no shit.]

"Kehidupan ini bagaikan sebuah filem. Dunia ini pentas lakonannya. Manusia itu pelakon dan pengarah utamanya. Al-Quran dan As-Sunnah itulah skripnya.Islam itulah jalan ceritanya.Kiamat itu kesudahan ceritanya.Padang Masyar itu tempat penganugerahannya. Nabi Muhammad itu adalah pelakon terbaiknya. Allah itu jurinya. Dan neraka dan syurga itu adalah trofi-trofinya."

[Life is like a movie. The world is the setting. Human beings are the main actors and directors.The Quran and the Sunnah is the script. Islam is the plot. Kiamat is the end of the story.Padang Masyar is the venue of the award show. The prophet Muhammad is the best actor. Allah is the judging jury. And Heaven and Hell are the trophies]

dats a rough translation.sori if its not 2 accurate.

i kinda suck at translating stuff.

anyway, i've had an epiphany.

the epitome of epiphanys.

i wanna get out of depression.

i wan 2 push open that door and step out into the light

i'm a little scared of what i'll find

but i'm pretty sure it's a hell lot better den wat i'm in now.

i jus hope dis time will be the last...

Letter to you

dis past few days have made me realise that life is kinda like a loan

its e time god gives you and u'll never noe wen ur time is up and ur loan is taken away.

death is death.

its never far away.

i guess its god's way of reminding me of wat i have lost and forgotten over e past years.

n damn did it hit hard.

its been 4 years and it onli felt like just yesterday.

someone once told me that the hardest ting in life is acceptance.

accepting wat ur heart refuses to accept.

acknowledging hurts and pains.

life's built on the word acceptance.

and at one point or other u jus gotta accept it [see wat i mean?]

dear atok,

its been 4 long years.

i've put aside all e hurt i feel wen u left for all these years

and now, im suddenly thrown into a whirlwind of rememberance of u.

n it hurts to feel after so long

i miss you

i miss the way you used to hold me close and rock me to sleep

i miss pretend playing with you

do you remember i used to sit on ur lap and put ur arms around me and pretend that i'm in a cab?

i miss those times

i miss listening 2 all ur stories of all ur voyages.

ur my captain remember? my very own pirate.

i remember the way you use to ruffle my hair and cup the back of my neck.

i can still feel your hand around the back of my neck

it killed me 2 watch u suffer thru those years after ur stroke.

it killed me to watch u slowly slip away

i guess dats wat made it more painful.

i miss you atok.

i can still hear your voice telling me that wen i get my PSLE results, i'd show u and i'd be ur protege. ur girl.

i'm sori i never got to show u...but u noe ryt?

i noe ur watching over me.

i'm so sori u never got 2 see me b4 u left. i'm sori i took so long 2 come to ur side.

i noe u tried 2 wait.

i'm so sori.

i'm sori i've neglected u all these years.

that i've put u aside all this while. that at sum point, i forgot.

i forgot the pain of losing you.

bt i feel it now. its cursing thru me like poison.

i'm visiting u on sun ok?

i'm sori if u hear me cry. it jus hurts.

its like i buried all e pain i felt deep deep in and now they're out in the open.

i'm sori for everyting atok.

i jus hope ur in a better place now. and dat u finally got wat u rightfully deserve.

i hope Allah blesses ur soul.

i love u loads atok.

rest in peace.