Just the best I ever had

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so I

Run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't need me back

You're just the best I ever had

I can say now that it doesn't quite hurt so much.

it still does and i still get dat twinge everytym we exchange words or everytym i hear u laugh.

but its better now.

a little bit better at least.

it's still raw, still bleeding bt it's learning to heal.

i think without my mum and kak ann and shasha and abg wan and all, i won't survive.

the thing i hate most is not the empty void i feel, its the fact that so many goddamn things remind me of u.

even i remind me of u...its like everytime i look in2 e mirror, i see u staring ryt back out at me.
dat just makes it all dat more harder 2 forget.

oh well, lets jus take it slow shall we?

go with the flow.

time needs to heal all the wounds.

be it mine or urs.

ah fuck it, i miss u. i miss u so.

aniwae,

On a lighter note, i finally got a kitty!!

we named her kiara.

she's abt 2 months old.

she's all white wif a couple of grey patches.

got her at an adoption centre at punggol.

:)

oh yeah, now then ppl want to go gaga over ashley parker angel.

i got dat song 2 months ago. haha

dat jus shows how fast the human mind works.

n i finally decided wat 2 revamp my rm as...

trouble is i need sumone hu can help me paint a mural on e wall...hmm.

if things were the same, i wld have asked you.

Dats all from me 2dae..

gdnite stars. gdnite moon.

sweet dreams my love.

It's all out in the open

I cried again when you msg-ed yest.

just like all those times i cried at night. over u. over all of u.

i guess it's time to let it all out.

no good keeping it in.

i guess it's like wat u said, it was like any normal fight bt den it changed when i walked out.

when i blew up and left.

if i had the power to redo that day i would.

i'd sit there and take it like a true man and not flee like the coward that i am.

but i don't have that kind of power.

i cant undo wat's already been done.

i can't take back what i did and somehow, i wished you'd understand that.

i guess wen u said me walking away was wat put u off, i realised i have no else but myself to blame.

i accept full responsibility of wat happened cos i know i was in the wrong.

but somehow, i thot that by now, u'd see that maybe, just maybe both of us were wrong.

i was wrong because i chose to walk away instead of taking it.

i was wrong because i hurt u 2 much for so long u just cant take it anymore.

i was wrong because i took 2 much out of u, like a dementor, sucking the life slowly out of you.

but then, its not fair if i jus con't blaming myself for everything.

wat i mean is dat until now, i cant understand why for 2 whole months, 2 months u all left. jus silence.

why did u choose to jus let it be for 2 whole months wen maybe you could have i dunno, salvaged it or sth.

those 2 months were hell for me. did u noe i cried every night? did u noe how much i miss u?

ur hugs, ur comfort.

ur prescence.

maybe its true wat u said, maybe to you, i seem fake now.

maybe i was trying to prove to hard to you dat i can make it on my own without you.

dat i can literally live without you.

dat i'm stronger than u think i am.

dat i can pick myself up and not keep relying on you.

i guess yes. the truth is yes. i was tyring to prove all these to you.

ironically, i realise that prove isn't wat u wanted to see.

u never needed me to prove it did u?

no. u wanted to see something more.

u wanted to make me realise that i can make it on my own. dat i can pull myself up.

dat i'm strong. just like wat u always tell me.

god, if i can change time, i'd take it all back.

but i can't. and i'm accepting that.

i'm accepting that all those times, are gone.

remember that book we wrote in?

i smile everytime i read it.

just remembering the old times.

and wondering how fast life can change.

how we all wanted things to be e same always and never change.

how we all swear by the stars and the moon that we'd still be best friends even when we're 85 and rotting.

how we held on to so many dreams. dreams we'd build together.

but reality always gets in the way.

maybe things are meant to be this way.

maybe forever is just up till that time i walked away.

it's so funi how i keep saying i've moved on.

in a way yes. i've moved on with my life.

made new friends, tried not to hang on so much.

but now, i realised that a small part of me will always stay.

dat small part of me will never let go of the hope that maybe someday, i can make it up 2 u. 2 all of u.

i noe it's veri silly of me to still hope wen its pretty obvious e ride's over.

bt i cant help it.

u wonder y i keep looking over at you.

truth is, im a litte envious. just cos others get to have that fun wif u that i noe if i hadnt been so dumb, i might have with you.

haha..maybe a little envious is an understatement.

do u noe sometimes, wen i reali got nth else to do, i'd think back on all those memories we collected over the years.

its nice to know we had good times. lots of good times.

lastly, i just wanna thank you.

for all the good times and for everything.

remember how i used to say i love you more than the stars in sky?

dat small part of me that still hopes still love u in e same way and i'll never forget.

i'll never forget how lucky i am to have god grace me with people like you.

u've left an impact in my life and trust me, no matter how hard i try, i will never ever forget how gracious two best friends and 3 close friends were to me.

It's the things you say that make me smile

It's almost 12 and i'm sitting here blogging.

The week's been good.

full of little things that people say to me that just make me smile.

"Girl, i'm proud of you.I always knew you could do it."

"You're my precious and I'm your SNAG."

"Hey, there's something about the way your eyelashes frame your eyes."

"Hey, you're gorgeous in real life."

Lolz. I love the people in my life now.

they just somehow know how to make me smile and most importantly laugh.

i realised that my life used to be so devoid of laughter.

maybe that's one of the reasons we fell apart.

Moving on,

i'm missing quite a couple of people.

firstly i miss u. i miss ur kisses and u kissing my forehead and telling me it's all going to be ok just cos i have you.

i miss you messing up my hair and swinging me around.

i miss you singing yellow to me under the purrdy stars.

i miss the way you look at me, like you never want to blink

it's been months and suddenly i remember you again and it kinda hurts.

hope ur hapi with huever u're with. I'll always love you just cos that's a promise i made to you.

Secondly, i miss my SNAG. I miss ur smiles and u batting ur eyelashes at me jus cos u noe it'll make me smile.

i miss playing with your pinky fingers and the way you lick whipped cream of your lips in a failed attempt to turn me on.

i miss laughing my ass off with you and krapping about everything under the sun.

lolz, ur truly my SNAG. miss u even though its onli been 2 days since i last saw you.

and you ass. now u cant make it 2 drama nite. u owe me a date and u had better not forget it!

and lastly. I miss u. all of u.

no matter how hard i deny it, i do miss u.

i miss ur hugs and krapping with u.

i miss outings in town with u.

i miss ur smiles and grins and blushes.

i miss ur stories and calls.

i kinda miss everyting about u.

bt like wat u said, "it happened to me before and i moved on."

well, i'm moving on.

can't keep hanging on forever right?

and i'm glad to say, it doesn't hurt animore and i don't wonder whether you miss me.

Enough now. Night world.

Sweet dreams my loves. Miss me like how I miss you. :)

That look in your eyes

I know I just blogged a few hours ago but I can't resist the lure of blogging again.

I realise in a moment of self-reflection that i'm quite a sadistic bitch these days.

but i'm only sadistic to people like you

I feel this sense of satisfaction when I look into your eyes and see hurt.pain.

I'm not blind you know. I can feel your eyes burning a hole into my back when i'm busily laughing or having the time of my life with people who just happen to not be you.

I can see that there's something you want to say to me but I know nothing in the world will make you say it.

An the best thing is, I'm perfectly cool with it.

Girl, its that look in you eyes

sending me silent message through air and time

i feel you burning a hole through me

trying to break me bit by bit

well, sori girl, this time, you're not going to succeed

cos i'm stronger now

oh, if only you open your eyes and see

right now, your look means nothing to me

just wait for the day when i send that same letter back to you

and i'll sign it yours truly, friends forever.

(psst. don't flatter urself. im being sarcastic)

enough no more, tis not as sweet as it was before.

goodnight stars.

sweet dreams my loves.

Mummy said there'll be days like this

Yet again, you can find me stuck in the same old seat, in the cold as hell library,

typing or more like TRYING to type the lit notes me and steph are doing.

i mean seriously, its not my fault there are so many enticing stories to read on fanfiction right?

damn the writers. hrmph. :)

Been some time since i blogged.

Sat's concert was great. had a brilliant time getting in touch with my inner self under the pretty stars.

and oh god, eating mum's delish cream puffs!!

(psst. i ate almost 50 of em. hey don't give me that look, dey were minute.)

so its come as no surprise that i've put on 3 kg since e hols.

the horror. i seriously need to start working out.

Sunday was boring except for POTC and world cup where ITALIA won!!

thank god they won. at least it heals my wounded heart from FERNANDO TORRES's departure.

Monday was an okay kinda day. shaf was absent cos she had cramps again.

poor girl. i hate it when she gets cramps, cos i feel so helpless.

aniwei, since i'm such a nice soul and all, i sent the chem notes over to her house.

stayed for 5 freaking hours.

her sister is soooooo adorable! i jus feel lyk kidnapping her. lolz

She was drawing and singing while I was valiantly trying to teach Shaf organic chem.

We studied a bit then we had a break for some delish prata and bubble tea.

then me being the baby( can you believe my dad and mum call me dat?!!honestly!) that i am, insisted that we play with the barbie doll set she keeps in dis huge box in her room cos I just felt this sudden urge to fondle with barbie and her clothes.okay that came out wrong

(By the way, did u noe that she doesnt have nipples? or a proper hole? gasp! how in the world did she haf sex with Ken?!!? through her nose? eww. gross.)

so i whined and pleaded and got my way, as always. :)

so there we were, two 16 year olds, squealing and exclaiming over the oh so cute shoes and bags and tiny cups and plates.

we built barbie's house. or rather she helped while i did all the dirty work. hrmph.

then as appreciation of my masterpiece of a creation, i recorded a video of dearest barbie's house. hehe.

Then she showed me the collection of letters that she keep and all the song lyrics she collects.

i was so touched when i saw that she kept all my letters to her and even better, she pasted dis letter i wrote to her last year on her wall along with the "colour me beautiful" poem i wrote for her.

thanks shaf darl for making me smile more inside. :)

moving on, we had a nice talk while lazing on her bed and i noe it made us both feel much better knowing that whatever happens, we'll always have each other.

She's already asking me when i'm coming over again. told her that maybe we can make it a weekly sat ting. dat'll b great cos i can finally get my ass down and study properly since i can't bloody concentrate wen i'm at home.

Today's a good day. I sincerely enjoy answering questions in class now.

and voluntarily i may add. :)

oh and i luurvve distracting Mrs. Lopez in class, like asking her her fav world cup team(France) and her fav player (Zidane) and stoopid little things like dat.

I tink all the teachers are getting more friendly and open and dats good. it adds tons of fun and humour to otherwise dull and boring classes.

oh, me, gerry, mel and abby haf all decided to go on a world trip!

umm to Rome and Italy and Venice and Spain and Paris and Brazil and Portugal (cos SOMEONE wans to see cristiano ronaldo!) and California ( to see darling MR. Bloom) and Florida and Arizona and Canada and New York and Las Vegas, Nevada and London!

it'll be shitloads of fun. e tiny prob is dat we don't have the cash to make all those trips.

prolly end up in south-north Malaysia aniwei.

lolz.

Oh before i forget, SOMEBODY (*coughs*MeL*coughs*) got free tix to the POTC 2 grand premiere!! Lucky bitch! i'm sooo jealous.

but not to worry, i've told her (only about a hundred times) that if she gets any Orlando Bloom merchandise(counting the popcorn box), she is supposed to surrender it straight to me!

well, as my beloved mum always says, there always be days like this.

days that just make you feel all warm and fuzzly and cuddly inside and make you smile like a lunatic goon while waiting for the bus and forcing the people around you to assume( and make an "ass" of themselves, get it?) that you just escaped from IMH.

:)

Well, ta to one and all,

till next we meet.

All that you can't leave behind

it's been 60 days.

60 days ago everything was going well

60 days ago a life wasn't cruelly snatched

60 days ago it wasn't all torn apart

60 days ago a smile meant nothing

60 days ago life wasn't lived

now it has all changed.

now everything's going great. better then great even

now a life is gone and will be sorely missed even by those who don't know him well.

now everything's torn asaunder, cracks caused by numerous blunders

now a smile means everything. a smile means the world.

now life is lived to the fullest, every breath taken stretched to its maximum.

i feel like crying but NOT because i'm sad or its just another one of my depression for attention attacks. i feel like crying because i'm alive. i'm alive and breathing and allah has given me his grace and given me a chance to repent all my sins. to be a better person.

and honestly, that's all that matters to me now.

i truly don't care what you think of me or whether your view of me has changed.

i don't give a damn whether you even miss me or think of me though allah help me, i dream and think of you sometimes.

as long as i'm happy and i'm a better person, dat's all that matters to me.

i reali don't care whether you notice. you may not observe the change in me but i noe in my heart i have changed. and the best thing is its for the better.

i love my life now and i don't mind that you're not in it.

and that's because i realise a whole lot of other people care for me and love me for who i am, who see me with eyes wide open.

and i'm truly thankful to allah for his gifts.

i remember when i was in china, i had a dream.

a dream of you.

in my dream i called for you.

and i don't noe why but when you turned around to face me, i could see the hate in your eyes.

hate so strong it sent me reeling.

i woke up from that dream crying. i was so scared. scared of losing you.

irony is, my dream has come true.

strange how life works isn't it?

even a simple dream can become reality.

BUT

only if u truly fear it and let it consume u.

just like how i let my fear of losing you consume me.

but like what mummy says, "Sesuatu itu mungkin baik pada diri kita tetapi allah sahaja yang lebih tahu. Dia tarik balik kurniaanNya kerana dia lebih menyayangi diri kita"(maybe something is good to us but allah is all knowing. he takes back what's his because he loves us more)