All that you can't leave behind

it's been 60 days.

60 days ago everything was going well

60 days ago a life wasn't cruelly snatched

60 days ago it wasn't all torn apart

60 days ago a smile meant nothing

60 days ago life wasn't lived

now it has all changed.

now everything's going great. better then great even

now a life is gone and will be sorely missed even by those who don't know him well.

now everything's torn asaunder, cracks caused by numerous blunders

now a smile means everything. a smile means the world.

now life is lived to the fullest, every breath taken stretched to its maximum.

i feel like crying but NOT because i'm sad or its just another one of my depression for attention attacks. i feel like crying because i'm alive. i'm alive and breathing and allah has given me his grace and given me a chance to repent all my sins. to be a better person.

and honestly, that's all that matters to me now.

i truly don't care what you think of me or whether your view of me has changed.

i don't give a damn whether you even miss me or think of me though allah help me, i dream and think of you sometimes.

as long as i'm happy and i'm a better person, dat's all that matters to me.

i reali don't care whether you notice. you may not observe the change in me but i noe in my heart i have changed. and the best thing is its for the better.

i love my life now and i don't mind that you're not in it.

and that's because i realise a whole lot of other people care for me and love me for who i am, who see me with eyes wide open.

and i'm truly thankful to allah for his gifts.

i remember when i was in china, i had a dream.

a dream of you.

in my dream i called for you.

and i don't noe why but when you turned around to face me, i could see the hate in your eyes.

hate so strong it sent me reeling.

i woke up from that dream crying. i was so scared. scared of losing you.

irony is, my dream has come true.

strange how life works isn't it?

even a simple dream can become reality.

BUT

only if u truly fear it and let it consume u.

just like how i let my fear of losing you consume me.

but like what mummy says, "Sesuatu itu mungkin baik pada diri kita tetapi allah sahaja yang lebih tahu. Dia tarik balik kurniaanNya kerana dia lebih menyayangi diri kita"(maybe something is good to us but allah is all knowing. he takes back what's his because he loves us more)