All I Want For Christmas Is....

Once again, it's that time of the year.

I always regard Christmas as a personal reminder to me that the year is drawing to an end.

Naturally, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's a nice time of the year nonetheless.

Especially with the current weather.

And what with the happy vibes going around.

I'm waiting for Bani's call to confirm on whether we're going out or she's coming over.

I was thinking of going to town to see the Christmas lights but then I realised that it might be packed and most of the shops will be closed early since it's Christmas Eve.

Bea made me a good offer the other day I bumped into her.

I'm still debating on whether I should accept her offer of working at her work place.

It's a restaurant at the esplanade.

It has plenty of pros but I still gotta think about it.

Charlotte told me to try Cafe Cartel and Farhan said try Taka and Ashraf keeps telling me to work as a helper to pump oil into MRT trains for 12 bucks an hour. (FYI, MRT trains do NOT run on oil)

Irfan just said go out with him to find a job.

I'm leaving it till Tuesday.

If you're being technical, I already have one.

It's just my bad luck to get a job that's not only tiring, but krappy and also has racial discrimination.

Sure, it's a lot to work for 7.50 and hour but 12 hours straight for 6 days is insane.

Not to mention that I got "cheated"(I'm using the word loosely here.) by them twice already and I'm not about to make it a hat trick.

Besides, if I still can't get a job, I'll just help mom out at her new stall at Bartley Sec.

At least I get some to cover my phone bills and save a little for whatever I might need after postings next year.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be Paris Hilton and not have to worry about money.

Missing everything that's anything

Today was a day for me to rekindle old friendships and meet people I haven't met in a long time.

Naturally i went out with Shaf again.

Seems that if i'm not out with her, I'm out with Bani.

Not that i mind.

It's just hard when everybody else is either working or on holiday.

And it doesn't help either that I still can't use my phone.

Meaning that I'm uncontactable.

I really need to get a proper job and not some BS stint in a factory.

I had lunch with Irfan who I vaguely remember from my first primary school.

He turned out to be a really nice guy and it was great getting to know him again after 8 or 9 years of no contact.

After lunch I left Shaf and her guy to go to whitesands.

The plan being to find a job there.

My plan failed miserably when I bumped into Bea.

She dragged me around, walking aimlessly and sipping bubble tea provided generously by her.

It hit me when I was being dragged around the entire first floor by an over-enthusiastic Beatrice whose high on honey green tea, that I really miss school.

I miss eating instant noodles at video world.

I miss bubble tea from the shop near the overhead bridge.

I miss lunch at banquet.

I miss studying in the freezing cold library.

I miss the line of girls primping in the toilets in between lessons and after school.

I miss going to my seat in the morning and getting good morning wishes from everyone around me.

I miss writing 6-way krappy stories during history and SS.

I miss running to get to the class line on time when the music starts.

I miss the music.

I miss the canteen food.

I miss the long bus rides home with the girls.

I miss lessons in general.

I miss not paying attention in class and then regretting it when a spring test springs up.

Basically, i miss all the hype and chaos but most of all, i miss the people especially those I haven't seen or heard from in a long time.

I miss;

Laughing to Asy's jokes and teasing her about James

Joking around or just plain talking to Bani

Gossiping and bitching with Bea

Writing stories and having "witty banter" with Gerry

Arguing on Johnny Depp, Steven Tyler and Orlando Bloom with Renee

Listening to Suriani's rant about her guy

Jillian's hugs and linking arms with her down the corridor

Charlotte's hyper babble during extra e-maths lessons

Trying to concentrate doing sums with Nicole

Mixing up chemicals and testing for gasses with Mabel

And so many other people.

I'm just missing eveything that's anything.

Searching for that breath of a dream

It's been raining on and off these past few days.

It's like the sky can't make up its mind on whether it should drench us mortals on earth or save us the trouble of whipping open battered umbrellas and pulling on warm sweaters.

My mood's kinda like that now.

I just can't seem to decide between melancholic emo or bubbly hyper-ness.

Right now, I'm more of the former.

Although it's a little more than just plain melancholic emo.

It's that same feeling I get from time to time.

That whole detached feeling that I can't describe no matter how hard I try.

I hate it when I get that feeling.

It makes me feel so hollow and empty inside.

And I know it's just a step away from the point where all the demons I try to run away from catches up with me.

I hope to intercept it before it happens.

There's this whole plethora of thoughts racing through my head and a superfluity of disconnected words.

The thing is, I feel inspired but I can't seem to pen down the inspiration that inspired me.

I take a piece of blank paper or open up a new Microsoft Word Document and try to scribble something but I end up with a blank page staring admonishingly back at me.

Also with the now inspired me, I open up my collection of incomplete stories and reread them, hoping to find a silver of the continuing line to the story.

So far, I have failed miserably in the aspect of furthering the story plot but I have tweaked the story a little here and there.

Which in other words means that I change both the protagonist and antagonist's names.

Needless to say, by the end of a year, said story would have seen the likes of fifty or so different versions of its protagonist and antagonist.

I know Shakespeare says "What's in a name?" since "That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.", but I'm more of the opinion that a name does matter.

If you go by the saying which claims that a rose called any other name would still smell as sweet as a rose, you can technically call it any word.

Say for example; "shit".

Now I don't know about you but shit smells like shit to me.

Hmm.

I had a talk with Ira a couple of nights ago.

She's only 12 but she's pretty mature for her age.

I guess that's the outcome of being forced to grow up before you're fully ready.

Somehow, I think I shoulder a little of the burden for that.

It scares me a little when we talk and she shows raw emotion that is unconcealed by her usual wall of concrete.

She hides behind that wall all 24 hours of the day and it's so hard to get her to talk about it or show she's actually feeling something.

It's kinda like me but to a more deeper extent.

I guess that's why everytime her wall comes down for even a fraction of a second, I jump at the chance and fight to hold on to it, listening to every word that has the blessed fortune to cross her lips with an almost indecent ardency.

That reminds me of my mum when she's trying to get me to talk.

The thought elicits a strange concoction of feelings in me.

Something oddly like sadness and something else I can't fine the word to describe.

The people that walk in and out of your life

Dear Sister,

We were united by a mutual friend.

You were the sister I never had.

The one from another mother.

We got so close, and you told me your story.

I told you mine.

We were tied together by the unfathomable bonds of past lives and mistakes.

We held hands and faced the world which at that time seemed so hell bent on breaking each of us into pieces.

I remember we started talking after i visited the grave.

You had a look in your eyes that i couldn't fathom.

Now i realise it was a look of understanding.

You understood more than i can ever comprehend or imagine.

You were older than me, from a different time yet the same world.

That held us together.

Now i don't know where you've gone.

I know deep down that you're out there somewhere.

But i can't seem to find you.

Dear Friend,

You bolted into my life out of nowhere.

When noone else was awake, you stayed awake while i cleaned my room in an attempt to stop the flow of tears.

You never once told me to stop even though it was 3 in the morning.

You understood that i had to do something with my hands.

At that moment, it struck me just how very special you are.

We didn't know each other yet you read me like a book you've read for years.

You knew how to make me feel better even though it's in an unorthodox way.

You taught me so much in such a short space of time.

I remember how we'd talk all the way into the next morning about everything and anything.

Now we just say "hi", trying but failing to close the gaping chasm between us.

At the very least, I am deeply grateful that god graced my life with your prescence even if it was only for a fleeting moment.

Dear Love-d,

Whenever my mind happens to cast on your face, one word appears in bold in my mind -

"whirlwind."

I remeber how fast it all went.

You rivaled Katrina, raging through my life and shaking the very core of my being.

And i fell deeper and harder than i could ever comprehend.

You scared the shit out of me beacuse of how much i loved you in such a short space of time.

I remember how everyone thought i was crazy and i remember thinking i must be too.

It was all over before it even started.

I just wanted to tell you i don't think of you anymore.

Your're me love-d.

in past tense.

I want you to know how good it feels to be able to say that.

Dear Stranger,

I met you on a rainy day at the bus terminal.

I remember you smiled at me, warm and open.

I smiled back and i turned away thinking that was it.

You surprised me when you started talking.

As with typical conversations, you started with something mundane - the weather.

We talked about the falling rain until we exhausted all the adjectives and feelings associated with raindrops.

Then you gave me another smile.

This time reassuring.

And you just talked.

But mostly, you listened.

Somehow, you sensed that i desperately needed someone to just listen.

On that rainy day, sitting on bus 3, i talked more to a stranger than i ever have to any of the people i know.

It's like i know you from a past life or something.

And I just want to thank you for listening.

And i hope that one day, i'll meet if not you, people like you - strangers who's more of a friend.

The people that walk in and out of your life.

Unspoken and Unimaginable

Today is the first day since Monday that i've been at home at night.

The class chalet was great. i love it.

Me and Shaf headed for the chalet at 3 on Monday.

We waited for Anne who appeared with Char and Sheena, to show us directions.

They ended up telling us exactly where it is and went off somewhere.

So with a little apprehension, me and Shaf headed for block K, unit 2001 and found Geraldine Tan and Xinya inside watching the Doha Games.

We both changed and joined them for a while before they left to walk around.

It was extremely dull since everyone was off somewhere else.

So me and Shaf, turned up the fan, blasted the air-con, pulled the curtain shut and watched Chinese opera followed by The Ellen show and Tyra Banks.

It was nice, wrapped up in the knitted blanket and just chilling while waiting for everybody else to return.

By the end of the Tyra show, Char came back with the rest of them and we waited for Gourie before heading to Gashaus at Bugis.

The plan being that we'll hang out there for a while.

We stayed for three songs and went to Macs to get dinner but in the end we ate Nasi Lemak at a food court.

We popped into this shop and they got water guns and funky hats and whatnot.

By 10, we were back at the chalet.

Since there was nothing else to do, we either watched tv or tried to catch a breath of non-existent wind.

12 am saw us all squeeze on the bed, telling ghost stories.

My dad picked me and Shaf up at 1 in the morning so we could come back to my house to sleep.

The next morning, at 8, Shaf woke me up and we got dressed to go back to the chalet.

Nissa, Kiran and Naqiah turned up and we all went shopping for food.

After that, was a mixture of plans since everyone kept on suggesting different things to do.

We ended up separating.

Steph, Clarissa and Sheena went cycling.

Shao Fang, Gourie, Char and Nissa went swimming in the pool.

Anne went to meet her Mum and bought a dress in the process.

Beatrice was supposed to turn up at 1 but came at 5 instead.

me, Shaf, Kiran and Naqiah lazed around gossiping and all before Kiran had to leave.

while waiting for the cyclists to return, me,Naqiah, Shaf, Nissa and Char threw water bombs at each other.

By 6, we decided to get the barbeque started.

8 pm came and went and still, we couldn't even start the fire.

With the charm of some of the girls in the class, we enlisted the help of a guy from the opposite pit who thankfully helped us.

Almost everyone left by 11, leaving only those who are staying overnight.

Me, Jillian, Shaf, Anne and Beatrice gossiped and bitched all the way until 2 in the morning when my dad came to pick me up.

I had a great time talking with all of them.

Anne surprised me cos it was so easy to relate and talk to her.

it was sad to think that at the very last day that the class would be meeting for the year, then we got close.

Maybe it was because it was so hard to infiltrate the cliques.

However, we had lots of fun, talking about a whole host of subjects.

The plan was to meet up this morning for breakfast at Bugis at Macs.

Bea couldn't make it so it was only the 4 of us.

The conversation didn't flow as well since we were all comatose and zombie-like from the continuous late nights.

After a quick breakfast, we all headed off to our own separate beds to sleep,

with the unspoken promise that we would all meet again for shopping trips or just for dinner more times than we all could imagine before last night.

They're Nature's Band-Aids

I just read Fadh's testi for me on friendster.

She made me smile.

So sad to think it'll be another 4 weeks before i get to chat with her again.

unless she has internet connection and a computer there wherever she is?

somehow, i doubt so.

it still amazes me how easy it is to relate to her.

i guess all these years, i never bothered to find out.

and i never bothered to make friends outside of my used-to-be social circle.

Yes, i had connections but not the real friends that will have my back kind.

in a way, sometimes, it IS good to step out of your comfort zone.

granted, i learnt the hard way.

i got pushed into this alien world of almost political dimensions.

a world where you gotta learn how to survive on your own and how to pick yourself up when you've fallen.

I do have a great support system now but mostly, i pick myself up.

i've only ever cried in front of Asy that time in the library when i really couldn't take it anymore and that was in its own twisted way, mortifying.

There's not many people out there who knows the real me, inside out.

except maybe Shaf. and that also, is only a tiny percentage.

Every one of my friends see pieces of me, never the real thing.

That suits me just fine. I prefer to not overload someone with all of my problems or complications. That's also one of the reasons why I have a different bond with each and every one of them. It's like i'm tied to different people with totally different coloured strings.

And the list of special people in my life just keep growing but of course, there's people who walk out of the list but i realise it's no biggie cos they're not the ones that really matter.

Sure it hurts, but for every pain, there's always panadol or maybe just a band-aid,

that comes in the form of the people who REALLY care and matter.

It only takes 15 steps

This week has been good so far.

I've been going out everyday.

Mostly to find a job with Shaf.

Found one actually but then, on that same night, Ashraf told me it's a con company.

Naturally i was inclined to not believe him seeing as how he likes to joke around.

But then, while I was sitting on the fence, he gave me the link to forums where people actually confirmed the fact that the company was a scam by relating their bad experiences.

I also did my own research and I found out that the company's not on any certified company listing or in the yellow pages.

Then, all my doubts were futher erased when Fayyadh whom i was asking about job vacancies, told me the same thing about said company.

I told Shaf and we both decided to forgo the job.

I was relieved actually since that meant i had a whole day to myself at home.

But, once again, my plan was spoiled when Bani asked me hang out with her and Fadh at Pasir Ris Park.

So i met Bani at White Sands and we got her pumps (which after she bought them, realised they were redundant as Shaf had black shoes all along)

And we waited for Fadh who was as usual late again.

The three of us headed for the 4/7 chalet, the plan being that Fadh could go in and say all her hellos and what not before we go hang out at the beach.

In the end, we ended up staying and eating the food they were painstakingly grilling.

The "we" here being Bani and me.

By 9.45 we started walking back to my house to chill and they stayed until 11.45.

It was nice just lounging around and talking, gossiping and laughing and strangely having moments where something deeper comes up.

"It must suck to lose your bestfriend."

"Yeah it does.you know that."

"Yeah i do.It sucks.Like how it sucked when i lost her and how it sucked for you when you lost them. But whatever. I don't care anymore."

"Actually, you still do care."

"Yeah.Like how you still care as well."

It's strange how me and Fadh bond so well.

And to think that there was a time when we saw each other at the bustop on the way to school, she'd raise her eyebrows in acknowledgement and I'd give a half-hearted nod.

She's leaving for Indonesia tomorrow.

I'm kinda going to miss chatting with her on MSN almost every night.

Was supposed to go to SP's concert with her and the guys but it didn't happen since

she had no way of contacting me and i was out with Shaf and her little sister.

The class chalet is on monday and i'm kinda looking forward to it.

I'm missing all my NINERS.

Shaf's already asking me to go through with her the list of things i'm bringing right down to which underwear i'm wearing on what day.

Now that's just crazy.