Tell me something new

I'm at the school library again, this time waiting for the P.O.P talent showcase thingy to start.

Seems like I wait a lot everytime I'm in school. -_-

basically today was an okay day especially with the double lit periods.

She showed us The Handmaid's Tale during the lecture period.

Well, to put it nicely and extremely uncrudely, it's uhh interesting and well if you're not a lit student, you'd be squirming at certain parts. :)

3 hours of relaxation during P.O.P and then after that stargazing date with dilah. :)

It's been so long since the last time I went stargazing with her.

I'm so gonna spend a freaking long time just lying there and relaxing and forgetting about the history essay I have to do and the PW Written Report and the already present holiday homework and the sastera essay which I'm so inclined not to do and whatnot.

God I need escapism.

Friday is teacher's day celebrations.

Nikki asked if I'm going back to TK.

Well school ends at 11.15 on that day and I swear I'm not taking the TPJC girls' routes of ponning cos I don't want to waste my money on an MC.

And besides, I feel that I owe it to Ms Charles to celebrate her and thank her for eveything.

And I think If I ponned, my classmates are all going to slaughter me.

See, such nice friends I have. :)

Gahh, I'm rambling.

Oops. Gotta go pop into LT1 for P.O.P now.

Goodness, this is almost a pointless post.

Of how it used to be

The only reason I'm saying this here is cos I know you never read my blog.

So since I know that you'll never ever read my blog (I'm not sure if you even know the url), I'm posting this so that;

1) I can get it out of my system and stop killing myself,

2) so that I won't be hurting you since I'm not gonna say this to you face to face,

3) I can imgaine that somehow, by some miracle, you read this and it'll get magically solved (yeah right)

and lastly to avoid any form of saga whatsoever.

So here goes nothing,

Friendship is kinda like a drug, like those cute little pills you buy in coloured unlabeled bottles from the shelf behind the counter at your local pharmacy.

Unlabeled so that you'll never know what you get, never know what side effects they may give you.

Whether they'll give you heart palpitations which equals to heart pain, whether they'll bring about drowsiness and giving you one hell of a migraine, whether they'll leave a scar so deep the wound never heals, whether they'll take away your pain, whether they'll cause you to feel euphoria, the makings of a prozac nation.

You just never know. period.

And you can't forget the withdrawal symptoms which kicks in once said drug is gone.

And also the danger of overdosing which could technically bring about death, death of self to leave an empty shell behind, castrated.

Well, you're my drug.

Always will and always have been.

Yet now you're making me overdose on you, seeping slowly into my veins through an IV that I never wanted attached to my wrist. And somehow, you still manage to render me just so, ravaged by withdrawal symptoms as you pull yourself away from me and yet still connect yourself to me through that IV line.

Sigh.

You're draining me, you're taking away all my energy.

I feel so drained, so tired of being the only one who cares.

The only one who bothers so much to go to the extra mile for you, to sacrifice everything, just for you.

I've been through shit, covering up for you, when you call, I drop all else cos

saving you comes first on my list.

Someone told me I care too much, I sacrifice too much for you and that I love and care for you more than I do my own self.

As much as I hate sounding like a self-righteous goddamn downright bitch, that's all true.

I honestly don't mind being there for you and all but you're never there when I need you, even if you are, its by some lucky streak that you happen to be free.

I don't mind giving and letting you do the taking but it always seems like I'm giving more.

I don't mind being a self-sacrificing friend to you but I just feel so used.

I feel that you're taking me for granted, turning to me only so I can help clean up your messes and I can break you down so you can release all the pent up emotions you bottle up inside of you (something which you really love doing now it seems)

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if you're doing what you do because you know no matter what, no matter how I feel, I will never ever walk out on our friendship.

I just hope somehow, one day, you'll realise all this and you'll stop taking me for granted.

I really really don't want anything to happen, I don't want myself to reach my limit and blow up at you.

Cos whatever it is, I still care for you even if it'll kill me caring.

*

You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around.

You used to lean on me like

The only other choice was falling down.

You used to walk with me like

We had nowhere we needed to go,

Can we get this back?

Can we get this back to how it used to be?

Yeah.To how it used to be.

Venus, heed my call

It's only 11.43 and yet I'm already burnt out.

Well, this is the product of sleeping at an average time of 2.30am every day of a school week.

-_-

I really should get some sleep but I'm so not in the mood to sleep.

What I need now is a good long stargazing session.

A therapeutic (I still can't pronounce this without stuttering. -_- ) stint will do me some good.

Any takers??

When you're at a crossroads with a choice between left and right, should you follow your heart and risk getting bruised or should you follow your head and stay unharmed?

I'm all for the former yet something is just holding me back.

However, the latter's too passive even if it is the safer choice.

You can probably infer that I have no idea which way should I go.

I have until Monday to decide.

Like setting a time limit will make it any more easier.

There is a 4 letter word that is the worst. Of all the many 4 letter words, it is the one that incapacitates completely. It is the one that is so all encompassing, encapsulating you in a capsule of pain. Pain. Another 4 letter word, it's siamese twin. Just 4 letters; LOSS. Yet it is the start of pain, it is the irony of love, it is the emotional rape of your soul. Just 4 letters; LOSS.

Today's not a good day.

I can't numb myself no matter how hard I try.

And so I have no choice but to just let it all seep into me slowly.

Like slow killing venom.

Of course I can always immerse myself completely in memory, in remembrance.

But I'm too afraid to do the very thing I need that will finally allow me to vanquish you from the deep recesses of my heart.

I'm gonna stick it out till the end

I know my blog's on a hiatus but I just had an urge to blog so here I am typing in this box.

It's already 1.26 in the morning according to the tiny numbers at the bottom right corner of the screen.

I know for a fact that I'm supposed to be asleep but I'm not really in the mood to drift off to dream land right now.

I don't want you to materialise before my eyes again the moment the lights are off.

I don't want to hear your voice, a silent whispering of empty words.

I don't want that crushing feel to wrap itself around my ribs again.

I don't want to be rendered just so by the mere memory of you.

Haqi's been really nice all of a sudden.

Or maybe its just cos he just happens to be there.

It never occured to me how much I missed talking to him.

He's a damn good listener and he makes me laugh.

But like what dilah says, I'm not supposed to care.

Well, that's denial really.

I still do care.

Just not in the way I used to.

Besides, once you love a person, you'll love them forever.

Except the nature of that love may change.

:)

Basically the point is, I've agreed to meet him for lunch/dinner as according to him, I've got date debts to clear. -_-

Nolite te bastardes carborundorum

Yes finally the national day holidays is here.

As much as I want to kid myself that I can take a break, I can't.

I've got to mug mug mug.

-_-

Still, I'm looking forward to tomorrow's hertiage tour in town with 0734A.

It's going to be one hell of a riot. :)

And then supposedly they're going bowling but I 'm undecided on that yet so we'll just see how it goes tomorrow.

And of course thursday is National Day which equals to outing with my girls.

The plan's still kinda muddled cos we all keep throwing suggestions on where to eat and what to do.

At last count, it was:

breakfast at far east

lunch at pizza hut

dinner at swensen

and a movie to top it all off.

Korg mcm paham jer. banyak duit korg eh. -_-

And the day after that is the UNGU consert!!!

Argh!!

they are finally coming!

whee.

:)

As you can see, I'm not really in the mood to blog anything deep at the moment.

yup.

Seeing as how I'm getting busier with school and studying and all, this blog will go on a temporary hiatus until the end of my promos in the first week of October.

Therefore, I won't blog unless there is something that I need to let out.

yup.

so goodbye whoever reads this. haha.

and nolite te bastardes carbonundorum.

From the other side of the spectrum

gelI'm in the library now while the rest of the class is off in the field playing softball for PE.

Technically I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm suppsosed to be in the canteen observing them but I had to print out my lit essay anyway so I took the risk. haha.

I'm the only one currently on the 2nd floor of the library.

It's so quiet the sound of me tapping out keys on the keyboard is amplified until that;s the onyl sound I can hear.

it's too quiet for my liking.

I hate how the school library is either too quiet and free from people or too noisy and full of people.

There's never a time when it's just right, rather its two opposite ends of the spectrum, two extremes.

The parents-teacher-meeting is this saturday.

I have no idea what MS charles will say to my parents.

Probably she's gonna touch on my abysmal grades and also tell them how I need to shut up more in class and pay attention if I want to make it for promos.

I sincerely hope she won't tell them of the 2 [or was it 2] times that I've skipped tuesday maths lessons.

If she does, I've got a hell lot of explaining to do.

gahh.

I've finally resigned myself to just forget about it.

This thing that you are doing, putting me on hold isn't what I want.

So I'm just gonna pretend that nothing happened and that I never knew you in the first place.

its so much easier since you refuse to confront the situation.

I haven't told anyone about my decision yet.

I know some will be relieved and glad cos they still think you're an asshole anyways but I know one or two at least will stop to ask me if that's what I really want.

Well. I'm prepared to answer thier question. It is what I want.

The story ends here but I can't and I'm not going to carve out the part of my heart that belongs to you.

It will always have your name on it and I'm perfectly fine if you have no idea.