And so I got back my midcourse results today.
Disappointed doesn't even cover it really.
I guess the moment I knew I failed malay, I lost all the hope I had.
It's like I somehow had a feeling that I was done for.
In a way I am.
Even though I cleared Lit and Malay(cos of cikgu's help) and also GP, there's still no way I can pass History and secure my 6 credit points.
And History, I'm at a loss for words.
I have no idea how I can get a U yet I really studied my ass off for the paper.
Every single fucking day leading up to the paper, I studied history.
I sacrificed my malay, my maths and my lit just to study history.
And look where that got me.
Nowhere really, just leaving me stuck, neither here nor there.
It's so easy for people to say that I should have just followed my heart and gone to poly instead of pleasing my parents by going to JC.
Those are just words, sounds articulated and taking shape in the air.
Just words.
It's not quite the same thing when you're faced with a dad who's so stressed up and permanently has a disappointed look on his face cos you told him you still wanted to go to poly even with the good enough results you had.
Have you ever been faced with that kinda look?
I'd rather take him shouting at me for being so indignant but I can't take disappointment.
especially not from my dad, not when I already try so goddamn hard to win even a shred of affection from his stern and tough nature.
Not when I try so hard to cover up my mistakes and to make up for past disappointments.
Not when I try so hard to be just so, just so that he can for once say that he's proud of me.
Is it so wrong for me to want that?
For me to want him to be happy?
For me to want both of them to be happy that their daughter is gonna achieve and live the life that they never got to live and can only ever dream of?
Yeah its true that if I go to poly now, I wasted one year but if me wasting one year means I can please my parents and make them happy and content, I'd waste my whole life.
Right now, I need a miracle.
Only a miracle from Allah can help me to get through this and emerge triumphant and also still make my parents happy.
Lastly, I just gotta do this.
Just bear with me yeah.
Ibu..Ayah..
Firstly, Iqa nak minta maaf sebab sekali lagi I've disappointed you.
Iqa tau ibu ngan ayah mengharapkn Iqa pass and do well, masok uni, kerje bagos2 and teros dapat hidup senang.
Iqa tau you both tannak my life nanti to be as susah as it is for you now.
Iqa tau semua tu, sebab tu Iqa betol2 minta maaf sebab da kecewakn ibu ngan ayah.
Iqa tk salahkn ibu ngan ayah walau sikit pun sebab terlalu mengharap Iqa masuk JC dulu.
Iqa cuma salahkn diri Iqa sendiri sebab tk put in enough of my heart and soul into JC life.
Iqa tau kiter tk selalu berbual pasal bende2 ni semua cos that's just how our family is.
It's so hard untok Iqa express ni semua properly walaupun kadang2 ibu nangis, titiskn air mata sebab ibu da mati akal cuba nk berbual and get anak ibu ni untuk express her feelings.
Balek2 ibu yang selalu terpaksa mengalah walaupun hati ibu terguris.
Iqa sedar ni semua.
Iqa pon sedar di saat kawan2 Iqa semua lari, saat Iqa really at a low point, ibu ngan ayah jugak yang setia dan teguh support Iqa tanpa berbelah bagi.
Ayah jugak yang dengan cepat rush to my defense sebab ayah tetap berkeras nk protect your child ni from orang2 yang tergamak sakitkn hati dier.
Iqa tak terkata dan tk akan dapat balas balek segala jasa yang ibu ngan ayah curahkn pat Iqa kerna sesungguhnya, you both da terlalu banyak berkorban supaya your child ni sentiasa bahagia.
Sesungguhnya selama ni Iqa tk pandai kenang jasa ibu ngan ayah, tak pandai hargai.
Iqa tau dan sedar hanya ngan producing results and doing well jerr la yang Iqa dapat bayar balek segala jasa ibu ngan ayah tapi tu pon Iqa tk dapat laksanakn ngan sempurna.
Dan Iqa berani ckp, andainya syurga itu di bawah telapak kaki ibu, sesungguhnya besar kemungkinan Iqa tk kn dapat jejak lagikn pandang taman indah itu.
Ibu...Ayah...
Warkah ni cukup pendek dan tk dapat mungkin convey all that I want to say tapi I know you understand me.
Akhir kata, Iqa nk mintak maaf sekali lagi and I just want to say that I really really love you no matter how little I say it.
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