What would I do without you?

And so I pulled a prank which turned out to be really really really not funny.

Basically I told li,naz,nad,khai and fiqa in an sms that I was withdrawing tomorrow which well, to put it nicely, prompted extreme reactions from all of them (though in different ways that is).

Their blog posts all broke my heart really cos they were so frank, honest and sweet.

I feel so bad cos I made them all feel sad and even have minor/major breakdowns.

To all of you, I am really really really sorry.

I didn't mean for the prank to turn out quite the way it did.

But you all should know that I could never truly bring myself to leave the school cos I can't bring

myself to say goodbye to such wonderful people that have always been there for me without fail and question and form my support system.

What would I do without you all to help me through JC shit really?

Today a lot of things happen.

I've felt ups and downs, joy and pain all in the same day.

I think if there's any more stuff that happen, I'm going to really crack.

This roller coaster of a day is really not good for my emotions cos it just succeeded in mingling all the emotions up and now I just don't know what to feel.

First, there's the talk with Ms. Nathan who told me something that really made me so happy.

Something to do about the 12-day UK trip.

I'm not going to blog about it yet cos I refuse to bring my hopes up.

Just in case.

Then straight after that, shaf said she's withdrawing.

That brought me crashing down.

As much as I'm not that close to her anymore, it still hurt.

As much as I feel its for the better, it still hurt.

I find myself at a loss for words when I hugged her goodbye.

All I could say was "take care" when I know that that phrase is not adequate or sufficient enough to break that wall of silence between us.

It saddens and pains me to see that it has to come to this in the end.

It saddens and pains me even more to realise that it's a deterioriation over a long period of time and by the time the threads were unravelling, it was already too late to sew them back together into that almost perfect and beautiful fabric that was our friendship.

To my few select persons, if this ever happens to the friendship I share with each of you respectively, I think I'll never believe in friendships again and I'll never trust anyone to ever get as close as you guys are to me now again.

Cinta, this applies especially to you. And I know you know so yeah.

Then I went to meet Kak Ann.

And we talked.

I had a really good time with her, as always cos she always listens and she knows me well and I always feel that I can trust her.

Not only cos she's older than me by about 10 years.

More because I know that whatever she has to say to me, she has my best interests at heart cos she genuienely cares.

Some highlights of the convo with her:

"Fiqah, you have an inner strength in you that you just somehow can't see and don't believe in. But I know. I know that you are one strong girl. I tell you fiqah, not everyone can go through what you've gone through and still emerge the way you are now."

"I know you well enough to know that no matter what, you will always find a way to pull through all this. Just like how you found a way to pull through your O levels"

"Remember how you always say you can't function without your support systems? But you prove that you can. You prove that you are strong enough to go through everything alone without intact support systems by your side."

"Fiqah, I know and I believe and have faith that you can do it. If I can do it, so can you."

Lastly, I found out that you are one hell of a liar who can't even lie properly.

I don't think, I know that you're a fucking jerkass who was just toying with my feelings just cos you can.

Kalau nk tipu pon, please, lie properly and for god's sake, cover your tracks up.

So much for all the defense you said on your part.

Wait, you're one fucking good sweettalker so hey, no surprises.

Still, as much as you're a fucking ass hole, I still wanna thank you loads.

For finally making me realise that you're not worth my tears or my thoughts let alone worthy of a place in the archives of my heart.

So from today onwards, I've thrown you away.

You and all the memories associated with you.

You're not worth the memory space.

And so that was the day basically.

There's more that happened but I'm just including the most important parts of the day.Lastly, to end off, I just gotta say that I've been thinking about arwah-nya more and more recently.

especially with the start of syawal.

Lagi, I didn't have time to visit his grave that time I went to the kubur.

It's been 9 months and I still feel the loss and I miss him so much it sucks somtimes.

Even my dad's mentioning his name more and more the past few days since malam rayer.

I guess 9 months is not enough to erase the loss and rindu the whole family feels.

And these are some pictures of him, my dearly beloved - arwah-nya Romie