You gotta go there to come back

I've been thinking a lot this past few days.

Thinking of things that I didn't want to think about because I'm afraid to see

what's there under the surface.

Things that I'd rather run away from.

I've realised many things in the short space of time since my last blog post and this one.

They're all whirling around in my mind and I don't know how best to put them all in a coherent order.

There's just too many things that are going on in my mind that I can't really separate one from the other.

I think the only reason why I came to terms with losing my best friend is the fact that I knew that place she used to occupy in my heart will always just belong to her.

And that probably no one will be able to take her place.

It took me a really long time to reach this stage because the whole thing sucks.

It's only right to be broken after the loss of someone so important to you, especially when you thought that the friendship is invincible and you never imagined that one day, it'll all just disappear.

And it sucks even more when you have to watch it disintegrate right in front of your eyes.

It's hard to explain it and I swear that only people who have gone through the exact same thing will understand.

Which brings me to my next realisation, that I'm really glad that I went through loss (be it that of my bestfriend or my late grandfather) because only by going through that did I really learn how to live and how to feel and how to appreciate.

You gotta go there in order to fully understand life, to fully appreciate what you have, to fully realise that life isn't just about being strong against all the challenges, but also about being able to feel weak and vulnerable too.

Because, in essence, that is the very thing that defines us as humans. Our humanity.

And it's because of that, that I half-regretted my move yesterday.

Because for once, when I chose to ignore that small voice in my head, I was only disappointed again.

Disappointed at the dearth of what I hoped for a change, would be there.

And I've also come to realise that it's no use of me trying to force myself to forget all about you.

Because it's just going to hurt more if I do.

I realise that I just need to let myself learn how to accept it and make peace with it.

So that I can think of you whenever I miss you, without feeling any hurt or pain.

Because I know that no matter what, I'm not ready to let go of you just yet.

Thanks Li for making me realise all this. I love you babe.

Sidenote: SM has just released another super junior sub group. SJ-H. as in H for Happy. -_-. I really think SM's only doing that because they're trying to distract all the Korean fans from protesting about SJM so that the boys can stay in china longer. I mean, this subgroup doesn't really need to be set up anyway because the genre they're specialising in is the exact same thing as Super Junior anyway. So it totally doesn't make sense to release such a subgroup when all 13 of them can just record the song anyway. And it's even more ridiculous because SJ-H is made up of all SJ-T members with only Heechul being replaced with Yesung. -_-.

So now there's SJ-T, SJ K.R.Y, SJ-M and SJ-H with kibum left over and not in any subgroup.

And then there's also rumours about SM doing a japan thing for suju. -_-.

And with SJ-H's debut, half of the boys are in China promoting SJ-M and half are in Korean promoting SJ-H and Heechul is as of now, doing his own things (resting from the looks of it) and kibum is busy with his drama.

really.

I hate this whole thing going on because they are so disunited and it irks me.

I think it's more worth it right now to concentrate on the upcoming Battle album and DBSK's new single nearing the end of july and their album in September-ish. :)

I love my kpop boys! :)

Living for the moment

I really should be asleep right now cos I'm supposed to go to school tomorrow.
Oh well.
I watched ayat-ayat cinta with dilah and her mum. :)
Nice show but I didn't cry though.
Probably cause I was watching it with her.


I was battle-ing today.
They're so cute. such dorks. haha.
And because I have nothing better to do, I'll just post my favourite member from Super Junior, Battle and DBSK.
I'm still quite undecided about BB.


Of course, the king of fishes is the top of my list. :)
I'm not going to comment on any pictures cos I think he doesn't need description. haha.

Next is Jin Taehwa from battle!
He has charm and I really really love his voice. :)

His new look for their album! He looks so different.
Mature and suave and handsome.
I'm loving it. :)

He reminds me of teukie somehow. hmm..


And lastly, Micky Park Yoochun from DBSK.
I'm in love with his smile and it makes my day. :)

So yeah, that's about it.
I'm going off to sleep now.
Night world.

Someone just enlightened me to what caused you to do the things you did.
You fell in love with me.
And then, you simply just fell out of love with me.
I'm wondering why I never saw it quite so simply put before.


I'm just going to go with the flow because I don't know where this will lead.
I'm not going to allow myself to forsee the future or anything of that sort.
I'm just going to live for the moment.
And thank you for making me smile. :)

Smiles :)

This is going to be a really short one because I'm extremely sleepy and I need to be up early to study more GP.
The week's been okay. Shan't go into details.
Although I think it's only now that I realise I've made some improvements in terms of my essay writing skills and all that.
My evaluation is getting better and hopefully, I'll be able to do a decent job in the A's.




Latest news: SM entertainment just released a new group called SHINee.
I really have mixed feelings about them due to a number of reasons;
1) they're really too young. the oldest is only 18 and the youngest is freaking 14. -_- Thus, I feel kinda old liking them..Like pedophilia or something. I mean the DBSK, Suju, Big Bang and Battle boys are different. hmm
2) They're like a girly version of Big Bang. Especially in terms of style and all that. That's totally wrong cos Big Bang is waaaayy better and are their own entity.
3) They remind me of the first time I saw Kim Heechul. I can't tell if they're boys or girls cos they look so androgynous . Worse still, they look so feminine that they don't even need long hair to pull it off. -_-
4) Even their group name sounds girly. SHINee. as in shiny. as in reminds me of barbie dolls and shimmy shimmy glitter lip gloss.
5) It doesn't help that their first single is a song about noonas who are so pretty. Noonas refers to older girls and I feel a little bit insulted that they're reinforcing the fact that I'm way older than half of them. -_-
6) Still, must admit that the song is pretty decently catchy. though nowhere as near as Big Bang's. (I love them! :) I'm leaning between GD and Younbae and Seungri..hmm..) and the lead singer is pretty good too.
7) And I must almost admit that their dance moves are sleek and smooth and a pleasure to watch.
8) And okay, they sounded good live in their first stage performance which is rare feat for SM artists that are just debuting.
9) Still, they are definitely too young!
10) And still girly-ish and taking the whole gay vibe thing a bit too far. Or maybe they just can't pull it off like their sunbaes. -_-
11) They are nowhere near DBSK and Suju. And definitely not Big Bang.
So, we'll just have to see how they turn out..hmm.


I miss Battle. Thank god their comeback is real soon cos I miss Jin Tae Hwa's voice.
Although its kinda sad that kihyun won't be in the group anymore cos he wants to pursue acting. :(
And I miss super junior 13 too..Arrghhh...the super show live album is out already and I so badly want to get it! damn that I'm broke.
Anyone with an extremely kind heart, get it for me please? for an advance b'dae present maybe?? *hint*hint*nudge*nudge* If you do, I'll love you forever and ever. :)




I just reread this and I'm just wondering how the hell did I get to this stage in 6 months?
Kpop is too overpowering. haha.
Or maybe, it's all just sue's fault. :)

You can be my prozac because you make me smile.

Big Bang!

On a lighter note, I'm severely addicted to Big Bang's Always.
It's a must for me to listen to it at least 3 times whenever I switch on my iPod.
And every time I reread the post I just wrote, I'll make sure the song plays fully before I switch to another page.
It's just too bad that I really don't have time to find out more about them and watch their videos and what not.
I really wish the day had 36 hours instead. :(

That's a very thin line to walk on

The weather this past few days have been, to say the least, erratic.
It shifts from burning hot to freezing cold and I'm starting to get a little annoyed.
Not at the weather per se, but at my weather forecasting skills.
Every time I leave my hoodie at home, it rains and freezes to the bone.
And whenever I do think it's an auspicious day to drag it to school, it's so bloody hot that its so redundant.
Today for example was really really hot.
I was suffering outside the staff room while waiting for Mr Mahmood to come out for my consultation.
I think the fans they put there are really useless cos its doesn't seem to help in ventilation or cooling down the place anyway.


Other than that, I've had a pretty great weekend.
The highlights definitely being Saturday with cinta at the airport and Mr Yip's surprise birthday bash just now.
I'm not going to into details cos I think it's really dry and boring anyway and I'm too lazy to go on and on about it.
I'm only going to say that I've learned a lot though, especially at the airport.
I think cinta's the only one that I can really talk deeply with, without any inhibitions.
Anyway, there's no real need for inhibitions cos she can see through me like as though she has superman's xray vision or something. haha.


And now that's over with, on with the serious stuff.
There's a couple of things that I just want to get off my chest so yeah.
And as to whom they are dedicated and referring to, I'll just leave it as it is.
I don't see the point in blatantly stating anyway. If you get it, you get it.
If not, no harm.
And if it hurts you with me being honest, shoot me cos I'm not going to deny and pretend I don't feel that way.


To you(in general):
I really feel so indifferent now that I'm bordering on feeling utterly jaded.
I don't see the point in putting up fake facades anymore because its futile anyway.
Why should I bother if you're not going to be bothered?
I'm just plain sick and tired of repeating the same old thing again and again like some broken record machine.
I think you're old enough to think for yourself and really, I'm too tired to even care right now.
It's your life to live and it is clearly and totally your own prerogative.
If you want to screw your life, then go ahead.
Be my guest cos I'm sure as hell, am not going to stop you,


To you:
I know there's too many unsaid things. (among some well said ones of course)
I really don't know what else to say to you.
I'm already so tired of this whole issue.
Because the same thing keeps coming up again.
And even if it doesn't resurface verbally, I know it's brimming under the surface because I can see it in your eyes.
I think the whole thing is, if you want me to start trusting you, you've got to earn that trust first.
And at the rate you're going about doing it, you're never going to get there.
At least not in time.
And if you know me well enough, you'd know I'm not the kind of person you assume I am.


And lastly, to you(in general):
If I'm truly honest with myself, I'll just filter everyone else out.
Because nobody merits my trust enough to be a full time keeper.
And I can forsee that 20 years down the road, when we meet, we'll have absolutely nothing to say to each other.
We're not the kind of friends that can go for months and even years without talking and just pick up where they left off.
And because, I can honestly say that I don't share anything remotely emotional with anybody, except maybe one or two and even then, its not exhaustive.
Then again, that's what everybody is doing nowadays, all hiding behind masks.
It's sad. Yes, I'm not foolish enough to deny that.
But we're not going anywhere, neither forward or backward.
We're all just stuck in limbo, neither here nor there.


And if this is what it'll be like, than so be it.
I'm just too jaded already.

Always

Finally I'm actually blogging after such a long span of time, not doing so.

A lot of things has happened. Obviously.

But I'm not going to summarise and write it all down because:

1) I'm too lazy to do so

2) I can't even remember most of what happened

3) I'm just plain lazy.

Now that I'm actually writing here, I can't seem to remember what was it that I wanted to say a few mintues ago.

So it's probably going to be incoherency again from me.

It seems that JC life has sapped all the deep, philosophical, chim thoughts from my brain cells, to replace them with ... wait. There's nothing that acts as a replacer.(is there even such a word?)

So the conclusion is, my brain is significantly empty.

That's really great and comforting to know.

Anyway, I'm supposed to by typing out my lit notes for the Tempest test later on.

But seeing as how I'm totally sick of studying about Caliban and Ariel and what not, I'm just going to read through them later and then probably regret my decision afterwards. -_-

My mum went to the cemetary on mother's day.

I was supposed to follow but I didn't manage to wake up that early and truthfully, I didn't really fancy going.

Not that I don't like it or anything.

It's just that when you try your hardest to forget, after all the years, and the scar is finally nothing more than a mark, it just sucks to have it reopen again when death and the whole finality of it is just staring you in the face.

I know people say time heals all wounds and yeah, to some extent, that's true.

But there are some wounds, like loss, that will never truly heal cos let's just face it, nobody can ever get away from it completely.

I still miss my late grandfather even though 6 years (god it's been that long?) has already gone by.

I just wished that for once, I can tell him all the thousand and one things that I never got to say because I was too young to properly appreciate his presecene.

But then again, life just doesn't work like that.

There's no playback button no matter how grand that sounds.

Speaking of which, I've been having so many dreams lately.

And that's already strange by itself because I never have dreams when I sleep.

But recently, all sorts of dreams have been haunting my sleep and always, always, I'll have someone walk away from me or just disappear or get taken away.

I'm terrified that it's some sort of omen cos I can't deal right now or maybe ever.

And I've been wondering strange things.

Like what would happen if you found out your best keeper and person has cancer?

Then what would you do?

or if you found out that your mum only has 6 months to live?

what would you do?

On a lighter note, I'm diversifying horribly in the whole k-pop thingy.

And while it's great to get to know and love more boys, it's just that I'm on an overload right now.

I haven't even finish downloading and fully appreciating all of DBSK's songs and vidoes and what not, and now there's Big Bang. (blame Sue)

They're nice! :)

And I love their songs although I don't think I can stomach their techno songs just yet.

But now I have a somewhat internal dilemma cos I don't know if I should abandon my DBSK immersion and start on Big Bang. (Sue will of course say the latter.haha)

Hmm.

I really hope Battle doesn't release their album anytime soon cos that means that I'll have an even more complicated dilemma to deal with.

And thank god Super Junior hasn't resumed activities as a whole, complete group yet, and are still laying low for now.

If not, I'll be in a deep mess now. Haha.

Speaking of which, I found this video on youtube when I was searching of DBSK banjun dramas.

It's a video taken in the very same TKG void deck(was that what it was called) that I used to pass by everyday when I was there!

Some girls were dancing to super junior's U. o.0

I had no idea that super junior actually reached all the way to TKGS.

I know that there are plenty in IJC but hmm...

oh well, for the fun of it, here's the video. (they're pretty good but they lack Suju's enthusiasm and smex.duh.)

The world is full of miracles

You all really have to watch this.
It's a 4 year old girl who can play the piano so well even though she has never had any formal lesson.
And she's blind. She plays by ear.
I cried buckets the first time I watched her.
Even though I don't necessarily understand the song, it's incredibly moving.
and I really hope that God blesses this little girl and protect her because, she's an angel and she deserves it.


The first video is her first appearance on Star King and Kangin is there.
And there's this part where she accompanies the singing of a song she never heard before and she got all the right pitches. Wow.
The second video is her next appearance and Suju T are there and Heechul, even he, is crying buckets.

And because there's you

And finally, I'm actually typing in this box instead of just leaving it empty while I try to think of how exactly to best phrase the incoherent nonsense in my brain.
The last few days have been good.
I would say that the week, so far, has been an interesting contradiction of paradigms.
I'll just skip Monday cos you would probably have gathered from the previous post, that it didn't go down all too well.
Tuesday was a real "let's-all-test-fi's-patience-and-see-how-long-it-takes-before-she-snaps" day.
It started off a little offbalanced cos of the previous day and because Nad and Khai had bowling. (hey, I'm perfectly entitled to miss them)
It ended off significantly worse, with me fuming and being that close to actually losing my temper at certain people.
I swear that profanities (which I try valiantly not to use around my classmates) , were just waiting to burst from my mouth in this whole torrent/mantra, what have you.
Granted, a few did slip out when 3 of us were taking the lit test and decided to sacrifice a good 30 minutes or so, just discussing the whole shit situation.
(thus resulting in me writing a shit essay that will no doubt grant me a well deserved fail)
Anyway, since it has already passed and since Ying is now my idol and role model for such situations similar to this one, I am just going to shut up and not comment about it at all.
Wednesday was great because of Sports Evening.
It started of not so great though because the sun was out and it was really really hot and the architect who designed the school actually had the brilliance of mind to position the grandstand in the direct glare of the sun. seriously.
And somehow, I and my friends got roped in to become the cheering captains cos all the captains were in the cheerleading squad.
All of us screamed ourselves hoarse and it did not help at all that Taurus was flailing like a dead bull and we couldn't even get them to move their asses to cheer and what not.
But after khai's pep talk and more screaming on our part, Taurus got out act together and we delivered and emerged overall champion of the Sports Meet. :)
Victory was sweet and losing my voice that night was every bit worth it.
And it was nice, singing belting out the school song at the top of our lungs to end the whole event. haha.
I'll never forget how everyone simultaneously "reached for the stars". -_-


The fact that Taurus won, brought me back to remembering the good old days in TK.
I concluded that victory back then was so much sweeter because for one, we didn't have a house system and it was every class for itself.
And of course, being an all girls school, the victory(and losses) felt and meant so much more.
I think the best year is my Sec 2 year when 2e3 triumphed over a lot of odds to win both the cheerleading and dance competition.
I remember how the PA system screwed up both times and how the tears and hugs just came so naturally after we won. :)
Those were really the times.




And because you've made my day so many times, cinta,
thank you and I love you.
Because with you, it's never about the said things, but it's more of the unsaid things that I never have to say because you know and because you understand.
Because with you, time is immaterial.
Because with you, laughter and smiles come easy, and memories are an everyday occurence.
Because with you, the future and the rough times are not as scary and I have that faith because you believe in me.
Because with you, laughter is the best medicine, the night is still young, the unexpected is expected and silence is golden.
Because with you, if I ever lose you to time, it will kill me and break me apart.
And because with you, no matter how many words I say to express it all, no amount of words will ever be enough, and it doesn't matter cos we both know it all by heart anyway.
:)
I love you a lot a lot okay, cinta.
And because there's you, I'm happy. :)
Until the end of forever and even longer k. heh.
aishiteru.