You gotta go there to come back

I've been thinking a lot this past few days.

Thinking of things that I didn't want to think about because I'm afraid to see

what's there under the surface.

Things that I'd rather run away from.

I've realised many things in the short space of time since my last blog post and this one.

They're all whirling around in my mind and I don't know how best to put them all in a coherent order.

There's just too many things that are going on in my mind that I can't really separate one from the other.

I think the only reason why I came to terms with losing my best friend is the fact that I knew that place she used to occupy in my heart will always just belong to her.

And that probably no one will be able to take her place.

It took me a really long time to reach this stage because the whole thing sucks.

It's only right to be broken after the loss of someone so important to you, especially when you thought that the friendship is invincible and you never imagined that one day, it'll all just disappear.

And it sucks even more when you have to watch it disintegrate right in front of your eyes.

It's hard to explain it and I swear that only people who have gone through the exact same thing will understand.

Which brings me to my next realisation, that I'm really glad that I went through loss (be it that of my bestfriend or my late grandfather) because only by going through that did I really learn how to live and how to feel and how to appreciate.

You gotta go there in order to fully understand life, to fully appreciate what you have, to fully realise that life isn't just about being strong against all the challenges, but also about being able to feel weak and vulnerable too.

Because, in essence, that is the very thing that defines us as humans. Our humanity.

And it's because of that, that I half-regretted my move yesterday.

Because for once, when I chose to ignore that small voice in my head, I was only disappointed again.

Disappointed at the dearth of what I hoped for a change, would be there.

And I've also come to realise that it's no use of me trying to force myself to forget all about you.

Because it's just going to hurt more if I do.

I realise that I just need to let myself learn how to accept it and make peace with it.

So that I can think of you whenever I miss you, without feeling any hurt or pain.

Because I know that no matter what, I'm not ready to let go of you just yet.

Thanks Li for making me realise all this. I love you babe.

Sidenote: SM has just released another super junior sub group. SJ-H. as in H for Happy. -_-. I really think SM's only doing that because they're trying to distract all the Korean fans from protesting about SJM so that the boys can stay in china longer. I mean, this subgroup doesn't really need to be set up anyway because the genre they're specialising in is the exact same thing as Super Junior anyway. So it totally doesn't make sense to release such a subgroup when all 13 of them can just record the song anyway. And it's even more ridiculous because SJ-H is made up of all SJ-T members with only Heechul being replaced with Yesung. -_-.

So now there's SJ-T, SJ K.R.Y, SJ-M and SJ-H with kibum left over and not in any subgroup.

And then there's also rumours about SM doing a japan thing for suju. -_-.

And with SJ-H's debut, half of the boys are in China promoting SJ-M and half are in Korean promoting SJ-H and Heechul is as of now, doing his own things (resting from the looks of it) and kibum is busy with his drama.

really.

I hate this whole thing going on because they are so disunited and it irks me.

I think it's more worth it right now to concentrate on the upcoming Battle album and DBSK's new single nearing the end of july and their album in September-ish. :)

I love my kpop boys! :)