What would you think of me now?

When you reflect back ,

sometimes you realise dat it was you who turned your back.

Not the world. and not anyone else.

sometimes, you realise the error of ur ways.

How u did the ppl u love wrong.

How u did so many tings wrong.

I realised dat yesterday in a moment of stark revelation.

I'm sorry nikki. I'm sorry Mira.

I wonder wat would u tink of me now?

I'm sorry Jell.I'm sori nissa.

Guilt is eating me up inside.

Where did i go wrong?

When did my plan fail?

Whatever happened 2 me?

Did i jus stand by and let time, circumstance take it all away from me?

Maybe.

Or maybe i'm just too weak.

Is it 2 late 4 me now?

yes. i noe dat i noe it is.

Is it 2 late 2 mend myself? turn myself in2 a better person.

Yes. I'm too far deep in alrdy.i cant get out.

What do you think of me now?

i wonder wat wld happen. if only u knew...

Lamenting the many losses

I jus got hm frm sch.

Sth was goin on in sch jus nw.

its nt abt me thou bt still involves me sorta indirectly.

aniwei, shall nt tok abt it.

Instead, im goin 2 tok abt e super fun day we had yest at e airport.

As planned, i got ready and woke nikki up at ard 4.30?

duh she didnt wake up la.

[tell u, dat gal has a prob waking up. or mayb im a bad alarm clock?? lol.]

aniwei, i missed e effing bus n ws seriously running late.

bt i got 2 tanah merah station jus in tym. [actuali, 5 mins late. bt doesnt matter. :) ]

found nikki n jack waiting further down behind a pillar.

dey were such goons la.

trying 2 hide frm me bt duh i saw em.

haha.

den we waited 4 nini n omi.

cos as usual, nini ws late.

lol.

den e train dey were on arrived

i saw em 1st.

dey were at lyk e far end of e station.

omi in white n nini in black.

kinda lyk moving chess pieces.lol.

aniwei, dem being e blur ppl dey r, dey didnt c e 3 of us.

so e 3 of us [me,nikki n jack], being e lunatic goons we r, decided 2 play hide n seek.

it was so0oo0o0 stupid!

we were lyk ducking down 2 avoid being seen.

i tink every1 was staring at us lyk we jus escape frm IMH.

n den e stupid ting is dat omi n nini went 2 e other platform!

haha.

dey were so sad la; didnt c us.

finally after say 15 mins? dey found us 3 goons laughing lyk mad idiots.

u shld haf been dere. it was hilarious.

so we got on e train 2 changi.

everyone was lyk high n hyper n jus wont shut up.

reached dere wif half an hour 2 spare b4 our reservation tym was up.

so we had 2 go 2 T1.

n we took e sky train!

bt it wasnt fun cos dere were 2 many ppl inside.

so yea.

den we reached swensens, got seats

n deliberated over wat 2 order.

n n dey were playing all dis old bt nice songs! lol.

we took a veri long tym 2 decide.

by dis tym, mira had arrived.

so jack took nini 2 e toilet so me n omi cld order e cake.

so we did.

n den e food came.

n den we ate.

bt den e stupid dude didnt send e cake so me n omi had 2 go bug him 4 it.

den e cake came n we sang 4 nini a b'dae song.

she was so embarassed. lol.

mira had 2 go so we said gdbye.

after we had finished, we went out 2 'watch planes'

i tink we were drunk.

on godknowswhat.

we jus were.

lol.

took e skytrain back 2 T2 n sum of us got starbucks.

i had 2 freakin eat all e whipped cream frm omi's frap cos she doesnt lyk whipped cream.

sth lyk dat.

den we all went hm.

n so ends our day out.

bt it was undeniably fun!

:)

Tmr's e day.

we say wat has long been delayed in saying

im hoping it will all b okay

for e better

cos i dun wan 2 lose u either.

i dun tink i cn live wif dat

if i cry tmr, im sori

if i say dat im nt scared,

i'd b lying.

i am scared.

of wat will happen tmr.

im jus hoping i dun lose u cos i dun wan 2.

Time takes it all and we just let it

Didn't go sch 2dae. ponned again. lol.

Such a good chairman i am. lol. :)

haf a slight blocked nose. Loll, dis is ur bloody fault la.

ergh.

U said u dun noe me anymore n i dun noe u anymore either.

I wld b in denial wif myself if i said ur wrong. cos ur right.

we all noe it.

n yes.

we're so near yet so far apart.

we all feel it.

we all noe it.

r we 2 blame?

Time takes it all away.

N im jus wondering y we jus stood by and let it.

I've cum 2 e realisation dat we're all scared.

we fear dat wat we say aloud might cause e other 2 hurt.

or dat e other might tink we're being 2 emo over sth dat doesnt exist.

but i tink we all dun realise is dat wat we DUN say is e ting dat hurts e other more??

sth lyk dat.

Bt i noe 4 a fact dat i love u;

oceans.rivers.seas.lakes.streams.waterfalls.

in short, i love u loads.

can't n will not imagine my life wifout u.

dats y i noe we will sort dis out

true we can't make e past cum back

n make tings e way dey were las tym

bt i noe we'll work thru it 2gether.

n tings will b much better

cos we love each other loads

n we always will b e bestest of frens.

Just got off e fone wif nikki.

she's goin 2 slp b4 i wake her up so she cn get ready.

[wait, y am i always e one waking her up? get an alarm clock nikki! :)]

going 2 e airport 2 celebrate nini's b'dae

she's treating us swensens! :)

can't wait 2 c everyone.

bt den i haf no idea wat 2 wear.

bt nvm, its nt lyk i got aniting nyc 2 wear anyways.

shall jus grab wateva tickles my fancy.

yuppz.

oops.gotta get ready.

ta.

lurve*

:)

Not so nanofied...

Was supposed 2 go town 2dae.

But ended up following nikki 2 lavender 2 make her IC n den 2 jurong east 2 e creative headquarters tingy.

Was a lets say, interesting day.

Nikki was so funi.

I tell u dat gal CANNOT travel alone.

I mean she cn la.bt she'll get lost.lol.

thank god i ws dere 2 help her la.

if not, god knows wat will happen. :)

So sad her neeon cant b replaced.

so wasted, we go all e way 2 sum god knows place bt den she cant get a new one.

she has 2 lyk pay 200 quid 2 replace e bleeding screen.

nvm nikki. nw u cn get a new player! :)

im so sad.

can't get my nano yet.

collection date is frm 7/11 onwards.

sigh.

ta.

lurve*

Time's catching up...

I jus came hm.

Didn't c snam thou. So near yet so far? lol.

Oooh. My *ahem* b'dae is cumin up. in a few days??

Can't wait? lol. But den i dun wan 2 b OLD lyk all e other ppl...haha.

Oooh. I wan a lot a lot of prezzies!

N i hope i get good prezzies dat will surprise me??

Am i getting good prezzies??

Dunno. I haf no clue wat i'm geting.lol.

but wait. everybody's broke.

hmm...nvm. shalt demand my prezzies on umm january?

yups. :)

Eh, i miss every1 la. dunno y. mus b u all telepathetically bothering me. Yup. lol. C ya crazy lunatics on wed ya.

Jell: umm, lets go Spain 1st??? lol. den cn go umm Africa? haha. u sponsor me ah. :)

Nissa: Hey, u noe i love u loads. if u nd sum1, im here 4 u anytym. jus fall back and gif me a shout. i cant promise i'll make u feel all better. but i can promise that i'll help take a bit of e pain away. Take lotsa care. Lurve.

Lurve*

Ta... :)

Wishing for better days

ergh. dunno y 2dae im feeling a bit i dunno...off? didnt go sch 2dae. didnt matter. did horribly 4 both emaths n malay. screwed up? big time. tmr, will b e end of me. literally. bio n lit. of which both i haf screwed up. ergh. im nt gonna b surprised if i dun get promoted next year. oh well, shall worry abt dat later.

Sigh. Mum, its kinda 2 late 2 make amends now. Our family fell apart a long tym ago. jus let it go. stop trying 2 mend e cracks. its nt going 2 work. cos every failed attempt u make is jus gonna drive us further apart.

To all those whose feeling down ryt nw: Hey darls...dun tink 2 much abt wateva dat's bothering u ya? if u need a listening ear, im always here, 24/7. its all gonna b ok. i promise. cross my heart. SMILE :) :) :) tink hapi thots 4 me k?

On the wings of a butterfly

It jus struck me.

How dependant i am on it.

i cldn't find it jus now.

I broke down.

Cried.

Cos i thot i had lost it.

e 1 ting dat helps me bear wif all e shit.

e relief i felt wen i found it...i cant describe it.

its so silly.stupid.

im on e wings of a butterfly.

delicate. fragile.

waiting 2 fall anytym...

jus take me away now.

i dun tink i can take it anymore.

i dun wan 2...

Is it too much to ask for?

New temp...nth reali interesting lately...shall blog later wen i get home...ta

S.N.A.M. :u ah...take care tau.lurve.

Nikki: Glad u lyk e prezzie...hapi b'dae again darl

A safe place in an unsafe world

a safe place in an unsafe world. dats jus ironic isn't it. because i dun tink a place lyk dat exist. do u?

sure, u cn find dat place in ppl. sumtyms i do. bt dere's jus those tyms i envy those dat get security so easily. dey cn feel safe anytym, anywhere. am i jealous? yes. im nt afraid 2 admit it.oh well, i jus hope 1 day sum1 will cum along n i'll find my security. bt dats still a long tym away...lightyears maybe.

aniwei, shoutout 2 nikki. hapi b'dae darl. enjoy ur prezzie. i noe u'll love it! cant wait 2 gif it 2 u..

mum screaming at me. sori nini.cant go. sneak out? yeah. if i dun mind getting slaughtered u noe. i'll cont trying k...bt i cant guarantee u aniting. so sori.

u, dun get all pissy wif me. ur act doesnt work animore. cos i noe exactly wat u will do if i say i cant. old story hon. try sth new. nt sayin dat u'll ever make it better. nope. u nvr will. cos u dun noe me. in fact, u nvr did. u dun even noe abt dis blog. good. lets jus make it stay dat way shall we? dun wan anymore krap frm u...

gtg now. mum pmsing n taking it out on me. dats jus lyk being a verbal punching bag. wonders y i dun lyk going hm. bet she doesnt noe y.

Prayers...

My sis found dis lil tingy. thot i'd put it here. note: its 2 all guys. dis is wat we gals reali wan frm u. 2 all e gals, admit it. dis is wat we want frm a guy.


Aniwei, i wrote a letter to God. 4 sum strange reason. *shruggs*


Dear god, [if you're there.]

i noe i havent been a good person lately. I noe i've done a lot of wrong. but, if u cn hear me, pls grant me dis 2 tings.

i meet a lot of ppl everyday. i see a lot of faces. but onli sum leave a mark in my heart. a good mark. pls, keep all these ppl close 2 me n let em stay even if i, myself force them 2 go away. let them stay in my heart always n dun let them leave or slip away. let them noe i love them loads n let them love me 2. let em bring me e happiness i've been seeking.

i noe im nt e most strongest of characters. i noe i do stuff im not supposed 2.jus grant me dis 1 thing. if u think i'm not strong enuff, take me away n i'll go. no regrets. but if u think i will get thru all dis krap, gif me e courage n strength 2 get thru all dis.

dis is all i have 2 ask of u. if its not 2 much, pls grant them...


jus one last note: thnx loads wani 4 getting me hooked on vamps! *thinks hott daemon* *grins*

Tattoos

Tattoos. Dey're permanent marks or designs made on the skin. Tattoos have different meanings, shapes n sizes. Some tink it's a way to express individuality, uniqueness. Some tink it's a way to mark a certain challenge dey've overcomed or a certain point in life. All so u can remember it better. Tattoos can sometimes have a loved ones name imprinted on it and sometimes, tattoos can also be in the form of pictures. Roses, butterflies, suns, dragons. And all of these are permanent.

But my tattoos r a different sort. Self-inflicted. Constant reminders of times wen i felt all alone n sickness; dat terrible clouding disease was spreading thru my mind. Reminders of how desperate i was to take e pain away. Anyting jus so i cld breathe lyk every other person. wen i look down, i cn almost see e red flow. All the tainted blood, all the pain. i ws hurt, alone, afraid. Bt life is still going on. And i'm still in it. does dat prove dat dere cn b life after pain?

I dun haf e answer 2 dat. U wont be able 2 understand y such a thing is supposed 2 help take e pain away. nt until u urself go thru it. onli den will u b able 2 understand y it has such a hold on me. on other ppl jus lyk me; self-inflicting tattoos on ourselves to take e pain away. 2 prove we're still alive. its nt easy 2 stop. it nvr is. onli a person of great strength cn break away completely frm its clutches. e rest of us, jus lyk me, r vulnerable. anytym, even a single act or moment n we're falling again. jus lyk any observer, it hurts 2 watch ppl lyk me fall again n again. bt it hurts us 2. it hurts me 2 keep on doing it n nt jus physically. but i dunno how 2 stop. i dunno whether i cn ever stop.

All i can say is dat i cn nvr promise i won't do it again. i dun wan 2 break it. cos dere's every chance i might. i'm nt saying i'll do dis my whole life. im nt. i noe u prolly dun understand. heck, sumtyms even i dun understand it. bt im trying. i noe i've hurt sum ppl wif all dis. n im truly sorry. ironically, i realise dat wen im 'clean', i cn spurt out so many comforts n advices 2 those hu r falling. sumtyms, i even get mad at em. cos dey're destroying emselves slowly. cos dere's every chance dey cld go 2 deep. bt den again, im just a carbon copy of em...



All too often i find myself wanting to be alone. But my real fear is that i will be...

October babies

i'm at my grandma's hse ryt nw n i'm soooo in love wif e broadband! rox my sox! lolz...hyper? a lil...

Aniwei, october is here again! 1 b'dae done, 2 more 2 go!(if u dun count me dat is)

haiz, now im broke la...nt even a single cent to my name. bt nvm. all for a gd cause! yupz...

okay...i shall stop blabbering like a lunatic idiot n shal go now.ta

Reptilian

have u ever done sth u wished u can take back? sth dat u'll gif ur whole life up jus so u cn take it all back?

I noe i have. Dere's so many things in life dat i did n i wish i cld take it all back..

sumtyms i wonder 2 myself...hu am i reali? wat do i wan? wat am i doing? wat haf i done?

Why do i keep hurting e ppl i love? e ones hu truly matter n care abt me?

My eng teacher once said dat every1 has a bit of bad in em. dere's dis part in our minds dats nt reali us. nt e real us. she says its called e reptilian mind.

she says every1 has it. but sumtyms wen im all alone, i wonder whether im totally reptilian. Deres always dis voice in my head dat keeps saying stuff. of course i try 2 block it out. i do. but deres those tyms wen my guard is down n i let it take over me...n sumtyms even wif my guard up, e tiny harmless things ppl ard me say destroys my guard, bring it crushing down. n den e voice will start...

n den i'll listen 2 it n i'll do sth rash dat im gonna regret. jus lyk all e tings i've done b4...if regret is any way 2 punish me 4 hurting u, its nt enuff...nth is ever gonna b enuff...

im jus reali sori 4 everything i've ever done 2 u...ur ryt..i do run away from it all...because i'm scared. im scared i'll keep on hurting u...bt den again, i alrdy haf...

My fading Polaris

She knows
I wasn't careful enough
and now she knows i still do
What do i feel?
Nothing
Indifferent
What difference does it make?
I'm not going to stop
Not just cos she knows
this isn't like the last time
this is different
this is real
this is ME