Tattoos

Tattoos. Dey're permanent marks or designs made on the skin. Tattoos have different meanings, shapes n sizes. Some tink it's a way to express individuality, uniqueness. Some tink it's a way to mark a certain challenge dey've overcomed or a certain point in life. All so u can remember it better. Tattoos can sometimes have a loved ones name imprinted on it and sometimes, tattoos can also be in the form of pictures. Roses, butterflies, suns, dragons. And all of these are permanent.

But my tattoos r a different sort. Self-inflicted. Constant reminders of times wen i felt all alone n sickness; dat terrible clouding disease was spreading thru my mind. Reminders of how desperate i was to take e pain away. Anyting jus so i cld breathe lyk every other person. wen i look down, i cn almost see e red flow. All the tainted blood, all the pain. i ws hurt, alone, afraid. Bt life is still going on. And i'm still in it. does dat prove dat dere cn b life after pain?

I dun haf e answer 2 dat. U wont be able 2 understand y such a thing is supposed 2 help take e pain away. nt until u urself go thru it. onli den will u b able 2 understand y it has such a hold on me. on other ppl jus lyk me; self-inflicting tattoos on ourselves to take e pain away. 2 prove we're still alive. its nt easy 2 stop. it nvr is. onli a person of great strength cn break away completely frm its clutches. e rest of us, jus lyk me, r vulnerable. anytym, even a single act or moment n we're falling again. jus lyk any observer, it hurts 2 watch ppl lyk me fall again n again. bt it hurts us 2. it hurts me 2 keep on doing it n nt jus physically. but i dunno how 2 stop. i dunno whether i cn ever stop.

All i can say is dat i cn nvr promise i won't do it again. i dun wan 2 break it. cos dere's every chance i might. i'm nt saying i'll do dis my whole life. im nt. i noe u prolly dun understand. heck, sumtyms even i dun understand it. bt im trying. i noe i've hurt sum ppl wif all dis. n im truly sorry. ironically, i realise dat wen im 'clean', i cn spurt out so many comforts n advices 2 those hu r falling. sumtyms, i even get mad at em. cos dey're destroying emselves slowly. cos dere's every chance dey cld go 2 deep. bt den again, im just a carbon copy of em...



All too often i find myself wanting to be alone. But my real fear is that i will be...