What if there's nothing there?

I haven't been cam-whoring a lot lately.

Partly because I've been too caught up with work and partly because of the eye bags that have permanently stuck themselves to the underside of my eyes.

I see them staring starkly out at me whenever I place myself before a mirror.

I still look pretty much the same but when I look closer, I see the weariness etched into the subtle lines of my face, the slant of my eyebrows.

I see the luminescent sheen of my irises, like there are unshed tears brimming just below the surface.

I know for a fact that last year changed who I was.

Revamped my whole being and transformed my whole outlook of life.

I could never be content being the same person I was or hanging out with the same people I used to.

It strikes me how I never thought I would go anywhere yet now, a mere year later, I'm miles away from where I was.

It's just too hard to travel back to that same place that once gave me comfort and made me feel safe.

And if you gave me a choice, I'd tell you I never want to.

To travel back that is.

and that's only because I've seen what's on the other side of the door.

I'm not really sure whether I'm making sense.

Just take it as me rambling as usual.

I've been established as a people person.

Not that I mind.

I was just thinking how true it is.

How my every move is fueled by the people that I love and care for.

And how I feel for other what they can't feel.

Mrs. Nathan asked me "Do you ever feel yourself so burdened?"

I looked at her and I answered honestly that yes, I've felt like that.

She gave me this look that I cant quite decipher and said "You're carrying every one else's burden as well."

I found myself at a loss as to what to say.

Sometimes when I breakdown, it's not because of me.

It's because everything just got too much.

Those who know me well will know this part of me.

How I rarely cry over myself and you'll never get to see me do that.

Most of the time, whatever shit life throws at me plus all the worry I feel for whoever it is all piles up and just burst.

And its a real catharsis of emotions.

Because I will do my damn best to hold it all in until it cracks and bursts on its own self.

I guess I'm just afraid that if someone ever took the trouble to fight me off and knock down all my walls, they'll find nothing there.