Of how it used to be

The only reason I'm saying this here is cos I know you never read my blog.

So since I know that you'll never ever read my blog (I'm not sure if you even know the url), I'm posting this so that;

1) I can get it out of my system and stop killing myself,

2) so that I won't be hurting you since I'm not gonna say this to you face to face,

3) I can imgaine that somehow, by some miracle, you read this and it'll get magically solved (yeah right)

and lastly to avoid any form of saga whatsoever.

So here goes nothing,

Friendship is kinda like a drug, like those cute little pills you buy in coloured unlabeled bottles from the shelf behind the counter at your local pharmacy.

Unlabeled so that you'll never know what you get, never know what side effects they may give you.

Whether they'll give you heart palpitations which equals to heart pain, whether they'll bring about drowsiness and giving you one hell of a migraine, whether they'll leave a scar so deep the wound never heals, whether they'll take away your pain, whether they'll cause you to feel euphoria, the makings of a prozac nation.

You just never know. period.

And you can't forget the withdrawal symptoms which kicks in once said drug is gone.

And also the danger of overdosing which could technically bring about death, death of self to leave an empty shell behind, castrated.

Well, you're my drug.

Always will and always have been.

Yet now you're making me overdose on you, seeping slowly into my veins through an IV that I never wanted attached to my wrist. And somehow, you still manage to render me just so, ravaged by withdrawal symptoms as you pull yourself away from me and yet still connect yourself to me through that IV line.

Sigh.

You're draining me, you're taking away all my energy.

I feel so drained, so tired of being the only one who cares.

The only one who bothers so much to go to the extra mile for you, to sacrifice everything, just for you.

I've been through shit, covering up for you, when you call, I drop all else cos

saving you comes first on my list.

Someone told me I care too much, I sacrifice too much for you and that I love and care for you more than I do my own self.

As much as I hate sounding like a self-righteous goddamn downright bitch, that's all true.

I honestly don't mind being there for you and all but you're never there when I need you, even if you are, its by some lucky streak that you happen to be free.

I don't mind giving and letting you do the taking but it always seems like I'm giving more.

I don't mind being a self-sacrificing friend to you but I just feel so used.

I feel that you're taking me for granted, turning to me only so I can help clean up your messes and I can break you down so you can release all the pent up emotions you bottle up inside of you (something which you really love doing now it seems)

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if you're doing what you do because you know no matter what, no matter how I feel, I will never ever walk out on our friendship.

I just hope somehow, one day, you'll realise all this and you'll stop taking me for granted.

I really really don't want anything to happen, I don't want myself to reach my limit and blow up at you.

Cos whatever it is, I still care for you even if it'll kill me caring.

*

You used to talk to me like

I was the only one around.

You used to lean on me like

The only other choice was falling down.

You used to walk with me like

We had nowhere we needed to go,

Can we get this back?

Can we get this back to how it used to be?

Yeah.To how it used to be.