And how can I find the right words to say it?

Falling is the first step in learning how to fly.
I wonder if I repeat this to myself a hundred, maybe a thousand times, I will start believing it.




And I wonder how do I tell you that yes, I have a problem.
How do I tell you why I do the things I do?
How do I explain to you this pain and hurt and loss I feel when even I can't explain it?
How do I tell you that I just need you around?
How do I even start telling you that I'm not okay?




I'm sorry, mum.

only a heartbeat away

First up, replies to tags.
(this mostly applies to Sue.haha)
Sue: HAHA! I can't believe you cried. -_-. but can't blame you la. Damn heartbreaking song. I'll change it soon so you can read my blog without crying k. :) And chill, I still haven't decided who I like best. So jaejoong is still safely yours (unless I decide to like him la. haha) But now, I'm kinda leaning more to yunho or yoochun or jaejoong. haha. We shall see. :)
Oh which reminds me, I'm supposed to wake you up now. Haha.


Khai: Yup yup DBSK-ing now.. :) diversifying la babe. heh. But I'm sure you're used to it kan? Never mind, whatever it is, you're still one of my favourite skinskip partners! (not that I have a lot la) heh. sarangheyo kakhai. :)




Finally, after a really really long time, cinta came over to chill.
We talked a very minimal bit while I was doing maths and she was reading.
Then we watched DBSK performances and EHB. :)
3 straight episodes of EHB at one shot.
I really really love her for actually bothering to sit down and watch the videos with me and for laughing just as hard, if not more than me(cos I've watched it so many times that it wears off sometimes)
Oh and she said DBSK's jiwang is like surpassing that of ungu. :)
I'm happy now.
If happiness is measured by the small, fleeting moments, then this would definately count.


Other than that, my day was pretty normal.
Had maths and history consultations where UN and Cold War politics killed me.
I swear history can be such a pain the ass to do.
I was pretty satisfied with how the day went except for the fact that there was a freaking dead rat stuck somewhere in the air vent of LT5 when I had my history lecture just now.
Bloody hell and damnation.
The smell was really really bad.
I can still somewhat smell it even until now.
Seriously, I think if the NEA were to find out, my school will surely get shut down for a week while they go and exterminate all the freaking rats in the place.




And as usual, Tuesdays seems to be the day where I'll write a drabble here and there, or write a sajak.
I wrote a really random drabble cos DBSK's will you be my girlfriend was in my head during lit tutotial.
The drabble is really really random, I wasn't thinking of anything in particular or anyone for that matter.
Although I think it doesn't quite make as much sense as its supposed to. hmm.

Prompt: I'm only a heartbeat away - DBSK, will you be my girlfriend?

I wonder, if I ask you, is there still a need for my heart to beat in tune with yours, what would you say? They say that when your heart gets what it wants, you'll reach that level of Eden, that Utopian happiness. Yet, when my heart got what it wanted, I am only a blank here, between parentheses, which are really, your arms that encircles me. And that cold,calculating love present between you and me, it pierces like a knife,butchering my insides, carving out my heart to leave a empty hollow, and shatters it into a million shards that cannot be pieced together again. And my whole being, just evaporates - sublimation, the change from solid to vapour - and the cold wind that wraps itself around us in a locked embrace, will blow me away. So, even though I know this will never be reason good enough for you, I will let you go. Before you realise that you are the one that will be forced to let me go. I will castrate your heart, before you have a chance to castrate mine. And if ever, the stars dictate that your heart will scream and echo in the silence to be in sync with mine again, just remember my love, if only you look, if only you listen, I will always only ever be a mere heartbeat away.

On this street, we met by chance

I'm really supposed to be doing my lit essay but I'm really not in the mood to analyse poems and what not rubbish like that.
I know perfectly well I'll pay for it later when I'm rushing to do it.
Damn, I need more discipline.
Anyway, I said I wanted to do a DBSK centric post and here it is. :)
I'm pretty much indulging in DBSK, especially their songs, instead of concentrating on Super Junior.
I think I'm neglecting them a little bit.
Sorry boys, when I have the luxury of time, I'll promise I'll go through every single one of the 219054180950 pages of backlogging.
And of course, when you guys make a comeback that involves the whole lot of 13 of you, I'll devote some attention to you. :)
For one, it's really DBSK love.
I realise I took a less conventional route which is falling in love with SJ first then for DBSK and not vice versa.hmm..
Anyway, here are a lot some pictures; group and individual shots.

Jaejoong's hair is really -_-. haha. Although I think he can definately pull it off, like heechul.

Xiah Junsu, Micky Yoochun, Hero Jaejoong, Max Changmin and the leader, U-know Yunho = DBSK.
I can't decide who I like best cos I haven't watched any videos of them that let me know more about them and their personalities. :)

First up is the leader-shi.
Yunho.

I love this picture of him cos of his smile. :)

Next up, Jaejoong.
Sue loves him. haha.
I've yet to see if I like him best.

And this is Yoochun. :)
For some reason, I really really love his smile.

4th in line is Junsu, otherwise known as Eunhyuk's best friend :)

And lastly, Changmin, the youngest of the five but the tallest one as well.
He stands at an intimidating 1.86 meters.
Actually, all of the DBSK boys are tall so the height variation is pretty well spread out evenly.

And so that's all of DBSK.
For an added bonus, 2 DBSK videos.
Japanese songs again. heh.
They're really such love. :)

Daremo ga motteru kanashimi ya kodoku
Iyashite moraeru basho sagashiteiru
Sou kimi ni wa sono basho ga koko ni arusa
Osorenaide mou mayowanaide
Boku ga mamoru..

Everyone is searching for a place
That can take away the sorrow and loneliness
So… for you, that place is here
Don’t be afraid, don’t hesitate anymore, because I’ll protect you






Ame furu toki ni wa kimi no kasani narou
Kaze fuku toki ni wa kimi no kabeni narou
Donna ni yami no fukai yoru demo kanarazu asu wa kuru kara

When the rains falls I will become your umbrella
When the wind blows I will become your wall
Even though the darkness overtakes the night
Tomorrow will come no matter what

Until the end remains standing

The weekends is almost gone again.
I haven't really gotten much done.
I still have a lit essay to do but I'm in one of my reflective moods again, where I just start questioning the whole meaning of existentialism and of life itself.
Going to my grandma's yesterday prompted me to just think so in a way, this post may get a little deep and philosophical, so much so that only I will be able to understand it fully.
(I think I enjoy being an unsolvable and ambiguous mystery too much)


My grandma was pretty happy to finally see me after so long, even though she couldn't really remember who I am.
I don't fault her though cos god knows, she has too many grandchildren and she's getting old.
She's already 79 actually.
And the older she gets, the more afraid I become, especially when her very fragility slaps me in the face.
I'm just so terrified she'll get taken away before I get a chance to spend hours, minutes and seconds, just being next to her and hearing her breathe, which I can only afford to do after this hellish A level ride is over.
I don't think I'm prepared to handle her loss, but then again, when is anyone ever prepared to handle loss?


And as a side effect of being a grown up (at least in the eyes of my parents, aunts and uncle) I can now fully participate and voice my opinions in family conversations.
Which is good in a way, but now, I've come to know of even more family secrets.
The kind that's been buried under the floorboards for so long that it's starting to rot.
I feel overwhelmed sometimes, not by the things I now know, but by the sheer impact and weight of all of them.
My whole perspective is twisted and I find myself having to set it out straight again, even though its literally futile cos I'll never see things the same way again.
It just goes to show that if you change the viewpoint, the perspective completely changes.
Sometimes, I can't help but wish that I'm a kid again, protected from all the ugly side of human nature and from all the ugly truths, waiting to surface and choke you.
I miss being cocooned in that protective bubble, living life by counting the number of tiles lining the living room floor and by how many heartbeats it takes to match the number of times that my mum tells me she loves me.
Along the way, somehow, that protective bubble burst and this is who I am now.
It's so true that we only ever become the people we are today, because of the experiences we go through, the pain our hearts are carved with, the tears we shed, and the moments of elation, exhilaration and pure joy we've reached.
I count myself as extremely lucky to have gone through the most lowest of moments, when even reaching for the sun is impossible, to the most elevating of moments, when all that matters is living the moment itself.
And every day, I change a little more,
because ultimately, life is a journey that leads you to be the person you are destined to be.
It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, and how much you have to suffer and lose in the process.
Cos you'll get there anyway, and if getting there means your whole world has to turn upside down, and all your perspectives and beliefs have to change, then so be it.
It helps me feel better to remember that life itself, is an art that cannot be measured by the number of breaths you take or by the number of people you meet,
but by the number of moments that takes your breath away and by the number of people that tattoo their names on the insides of your heart.

At the fork of the yellow road

It's only 9.30 but I'm already tired.
I think my insomnia is effectively, more or less gone.
These days, I come back from school so thoroughly exhausted that I can't stay awake past 12 am anymore.
And then of course there's the problem of me taking naps and then not waking up.
Hmm, I was thinking maybe 34A could start a relay system.
I think it might work so that at least for sure, someone will wake you up.
does that even make sense?


Maths test was okay.
I could do all the questions except I screwed up one question, thus 3 marks already gone.
I just hope I do okay for the paper.
Frankly, I'll be disappointed with a mere pass.


Once again, I'm kinda jumping here and there now.
I'm just typing whatever happens to be in my head, so pardon me if it sounds utterly incoherent or something like that.


Today was a day of extremes.
Extremes being in the weather sense.
It was so fucking hot during half of the day, you could literally feel the heat wafting up from the ground and pressing in on you.
And then, in a blink of an eye, while I was asleep on the 161 back home, the skies started puring.
And it was so extremely heavy that I got drenched to the bone when I walked to the bustop.
I just hope I don't develop a fever or a cold or something.
God knows I've missed school more than enough times already.
Anyway, I think school, even though the stress is crap, is my one and only saving grace.
If I really really concentrate on my work hard enough and focus with all my being, I forget all the insecurities and the doubts plaguing me about the A's.
It helps in some ways.


Dilah says I need to remember that I'm a normal human being that has limits.
I know that but I still like to believe that I'm not merely human, maybe I'm super girl or some other superhero with extraordinary powers.
And it's simply because there is this perfectionist streak in me when it comes to studies and such.
So much so that I push myself way over the limit, just to get to where I am supposed to be.
It's got to the point where I sometimes forget to just stop and breathe and laugh.
Sometimes when I fall hard, I forget the most basic thing;
that falling, is the first step in learning how to fly.




You just asked me whether I'm free on friday.
Even if I am, you know me too well to know that I'll run away from confronting it all head on.
Cos you're right. As always.
I have more of a heart than I am letting on.
I'm too afraid to let myself feel cos it'll hurt and cos denial, it's so much more easier to accept than the stinging truth.
I'm sorry love.

The countdown to forever

The week passed by in a flash. as always.
I remember thinking on monday that I really really wished the weekends will come and well, they're almost gone now.
I've had a pretty productive week.
Did couple of extra work other than the standard homework given out.
Still, it's not nearly enough cos I've still got to study last years topics especially history but I can't seem to find the time to go through it all.
-_-


I'm not going to summarise the week cos I can't remember what exactly happened when.
It's all in snippets of colour that's just floating about in my mind, regardless of chronological order.
I remember the late night study session I had with nad and nami on tuesday.
I did maths like a freak, doing normal distribution questions over and over again.
I remember trying to find stars on thursday after 2 solid hours of doing sampling for maths and then cracking cos I was so stressed up over it all.
I think I just forgot for a second how to stop and breathe and just laugh.
(I think it's the effect of not watching super junior everyday and laughing at their antics)
At this point, I have to thank kakhai for lending me her shoulder and for being so damn loser that it made me laugh again. :)
Friday was the release of PW results and I got a B.
I'm happy that all of the hard work paid off.
Thanks goes to IJ107, especially nad and li cos they gave me the strength to go through all the shits.


I realised on hindsight that although only a fraction of 2008 has passed, it's already been filled to the brim with drama, bittersweet moments, heartbreaks, pain and gallons of tears.
It's definately been an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone.
I forsee more drama and more tears later on in the year.
But no matter, let's just live for now okay.
And we'll just go through the shit when it comes.
:)


My dad just came home from fishing and he brought home shit loads of fish.
my kitchen toilet now smells of fish. -_-
I can never understand how he can stand to wait for the fish to bite when he's not exactly a very patient person.
Still, thank god he's back.
My mum has been in a hellish mood ever since he left yesterday.
I think she misses him but she just doesn't want to admit it. -_-


I'm totally in love with DBSK. especially their songs.
Seriously.
And this made me cry and it's not even korean so I understand it even less.
They're singing in Japanese at their concert and seeing them cry broke my heart.
Doesn't help that the song is so freaking sad and nice...arggh!
DBSK is my favourite korean/jap jiwang la seriously.

Proud - DBSk

I’m going to pass through quickly
Well I just wonder which season I’ve already passed
I walk passed the scenery I’m already use to seeing
I can’t slip away from the far away memories alone like this

So that I don’t lost the place that I go to…
That time I met you

On this street, I met you by chance
Even now I don’t forget, from that day on
Everything, like the sad things, the things I carried in anxiety, everything
Through your warmth changes into memories
Proud of your love

The two shells I picked up
Once again the miracle of being able to meet you
If you let me be by your side
The inside of my heart will begin to have kind feelings

Even if a violent rain is falling
Even in strong winds

I will protect this love
If you are here then surely I can get over this
Because I am beginning to be able to think like this, so that I never loose this hand
Let’s always look towards the important times

On this street, we met by chance
Even now I don’t forget, from that day forward
Living, believing, will this is change into happiness
Forever, let’s walk together
Proud of your love

SuJu-M Spazz

It's almost 3 in the morning and finally I'm done with the extremely tedious and confusing essay on the sajak.

I still have another mini essay to do for "guruku" but I'm probably going to just go sleep instead.
However, I can't resist blogging about Suju-M's new MV that was just released yesterday.


And so that's all of them.

Zhoumi, Ryeowook, Henry, Siwon!, Hankyung!, Donghae! and Kyuhyun.
They look quite nice actually.
And my dearest hae is on the shorter side. haha! the cute little fishy.
although 175 is tall enough for me la. :)

And here's their new MV.
It's actually the Chinese version of U.
It sounds a little weird to me, I guess cos I'm too used to the Korean version.
I asked jia and she said they're okay sounding, as in their pronounciation and all that.
Anyway, the MV is pure hottness!
I thought I'd notice the stark difference and weirdness with the non-Suju members inside but I didn't at all.
In fact, I totally enjoyed the MV.
All the mirrors, and sleek dance moves (although I still prefer the korean version but hae and hankyung's solo dances are super cool) and the hotness of my fav 3! :)
I can't decide who's look and style and moves out of the 3 is my most favourite.
How I wish the Korean U MV was something like this.
It would have been so much better.
Still, no matter, I still get my eyecandy and my donghae! :)

[Aside] I'm seriously falling in love with DBSK. Their songs are such love. My Korean jiwang playlist(yes I have one in my iPod) is starting to be filled up with DBSK songs. They're such a joy to listen to. I'd kill to go to a DBSK concert just to hear them sing live. :) Hmm, maybe I'll do a DBSK centric post one of these days. And of course must do 1 for Battle too, because they're nice as well and Tae Hwa's voice is damn nice. :)

Okay enough spazzing.
Gotta get some winks of sleep before school tomorrow.
Night stars.
I love you.

I can only promise something I know for sure

I'm just dropping by for a bit.
I've still got tons of work to do, namely sastera essays.
Today was a really good day for me.
There wasn't any shit happenings in school, my consultations went well (especially maths!) and I stayed back in school to study until 8 plus. :)
I feel so extremely accomplished and it feels damn good. heh.


Okay, serious business now.
I know I can't afford to run away anymore.
But, there's a part of me that's scared to promise that it'll be the last time I run away.
Because I'm terrified that I'll break my promise somewhere along the run and I'll disappoint even more people.
I can deal with anger, I can deal with contempt, I can deal with hate, I can deal with almost anything people or life throws at me, albeit in my own way of course.
But, I cannot deal with disappointment.
It breaks me further.
I don't want another repeat of my self-destructive years in secondary school,
where I made promises to stop carving my own self-made tattoos to so many people, only to disappoint them sooner or later.
It's a cycle that's too vicious.
Incidentally, it's been 2 years since the last time I made a tattoo.
That's the longest ever.
It's worth it even though I had to lose my best friend for it to happen.
Anyway, my point is, I'll try my best not to run away again but I'm just saying that there's still a possibility that my semi-conscious will somehow urge me to do it.
After all, my greatest enemy is actually myself.
Myself and all the demons in my closet and the monsters under my bed.


Naddie, Kakhai, I hope you guys understand okay?
I love you very much for being there and for a lot of things that I can't possibly list down.
I won't promise that it's the last time I run away.
But I'll promise you that I will try my damn best to prevent it from happening.
:)
I love you.


By the way, cinta,
Get your ass back from Malaysia already cos I really need an alarm clock.
And well, I kinda miss you la.
A bit.
(You know when I say a bit I actually mean a real lot right?)
:)
I love you. heh.

Some SuJu love <3

After the extremely long and draining post I last posted, I thought I'd do a tiny bit of pic spam.
I wanted to do an aiden lee donghae centered one but I can't bring myself to go through all the pics I have of him
So I'm just going to go random for this one. :)

Kangin, Kyuhyun,Heechul, Sungmin,Yesung,Siwon,Kibum,Hankyung,Eunhyuk,Donghae,Eeteuk,Ryeowook, Shindong = Super Junior!
I somehow really love this one. :)
Heechul looks really pretty here, with his perfect profile and all that.
Siwon as always, pulls it off so effortlessly.
And Kibum's smile is such love. It's just too bad that he is so goddamn quiet and moody sometimes.
Hankyung's smile is a little bit weird but he's still handsome. He has that mellow-ish thing going on.
Donghae needs no words to describe.
Eeteuk is also another pretty boy. Not in the Heechul way, his is more soft and gentle.I admit I had no idea why Sue liked him so much at first (after kibum that is) but as I continue watching them, I started to love his charm and his "talking skills" and his plain dorkiness. -_-

Teukie dimple alert! and his ponytail too. :)
And I love love love donghae's hair in this one.
And he looks damn fine. :)

The Suju F4. Haha.
And it's so typical of heechul to pose like that. that pretty boy. haha.
I love all these boys and they love each other too. lol.
They're damn good friends.
Too bad donghae and teukie are not in the pic, if not it'll be a perfect pic of all my favs from SJ.

And the members of Suju-C were supposed to have been announced officially on the 1st of April.

Unfortunately, SM decided that since it was April Fool's day, they'd pull a fast one too.
Meaning, that they're only releasing the members slowly before their debut on the 8th.
Like we all don't know who they are anyway. -_-
For the record, its Hankyung (duh. since he is chinese after all) , Siwon (obviously too), Donghae(I have no idea why.), Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Henry and another SM trainee Zhoumi.
Oh and SM decided to change the name of the sub group to Suju-M instead.
As in M for Mandarin. -_-
Maybe they want to infiltrate all the mandarin speaking markets. (Singapore too maybe>?)
Here are the pics of the only 3 in Suju-M that I care about. :)

Choi Siwon!
I think he's real fine. Tall, handsome, suave and such a gentlemen. I swear he's the kind of guy your mum would want you to marry. :)

Hankyung! (I prefer calling him the korean equivalent of his name cos I'm too used to it and I think it sounds nicer.)
I think he's simply getting hotter by the day. Like whoa. :)

And of course, Donghae!
His hair is getting really long, but still nice. :)
He's getting a bit skinny though.
Poor thing.
Donghae, hwaiting! <3>


I've come to realise that as much as I love Super Junior to bits, I don't mind not seeing them live.
Cos they're not singers technically. They're entertainers.
And I fell in love with them because of their personality anyway, especially when I watched fullhouse (with all my favourites inside!).
Speaking of which, I greatly miss donghae during the fullhouse period.
Now, he's not as carefree and happy anymore.
It's a little sad that he matured so much in such a short space of time.
I guess he just matured a hell lot after he lost his father.


Some random videos.
The first one is Donghae talking about his father in a monologue that was aired 2 days ago.
Heartbreaking really. It's even more sad that he couldn't see his family especially his father, for so many years cos he was training and then his dad passed away.
It's also the first time I've actually seen him cry, even though all the other boys says he's one of the few in the group that cries easily.
And the second one, since I'm being random, is teukie singing 2 songs he composed himself. :)
I love his voice in the first song. Wish somebody subbed the lyrics but no matter. heh.
It's great that the boys compose stuff and all that.
Enforces the point I said about Suju being entertainers.
Most of them didn't join to sing (not like DBSK), but to act (like kibum, heechul and all) and for other various reasons.
That's why there's so many different kinds of talent in the group itself;
singers, actors, DJs, composers, dancers and a whole host more.
That really sums them up. They're entertainers through and through.

It's a no matter what

It's been some time since I last blogged.
Haven't been online all that much.
Which is highly unusual for me, given that I can't stay away from my laptop for a single day without getting some weird withdrawal symptom.
There's really too much I want to say, so much so that everything's just this muddled vortex inside my mind.
I have no idea where to start.
I guess the start would be a good place to start. :)

This will probably be an exceedingly long post though.


I finally got back all the results of the block test.
For maths, I totally expected another zero but somehow, I managed to scrape a two digit number.
Which is 10. -_-
I was a little disappointed by my GP marks but I was quite satisfied that I managed to write a proper summary that merits a mark more than 1/2.
I did okay for malay. I won't say I'm overly satisfied with it cos I'm not.
The sastera section seriously failed me but I guess that's what happens when I try to be too overly ambitious and take a risk by stating points and elements in my essay that the question did not want.
Lit was a half and half.
I thought that after the tongue lashing the whole class got on that thursday, I'd do horribly.
I did pretty good for the PC although the DOM text frustrated me.
I think the fact that I stated some points that grossly disagreed with the principles of the marker, greatly influenced the marks I got
Still, I'm okay with not failing the paper since failing it would mean I stressed the ligaments of my wrist for no reason.
History.
I'm severely disappointed.
I really tried so hard for history.
Honestly, the whole month leading up to the exam, it was all I was technically studying.
I even sacrificed studying for maths to continuously do history mindmaps.
40. I did 40 mindmaps and I went through every single goddamn one after that.
And to fail after doing all of that, just hurts.


On hindsight, history was the one that really brought me crashing down the next day.
I feel quite disgusted and ashamed at myself that I let myself get affected so much and once again, let myself sink so low, I was running away again.
I know for a fact that the migraine and slight fever I started developing on wednesday night, provided me a great cover to run away again.
To try and outrun everything that was catching up to me, and maybe, just maybe, I can go someplace where it all just fades away.
I tried doing just that on friday, I escaped to Terminal 2's viewing mall, just to sit at the usual spot and study, but more to just get out of the house cos the walls were starting to close in on me.
I reached there and sat at the same spot at the place where just 2 years ago, I studied my ass off for O Levels.
But I just couldn't bring myself to.
Not because I didn't feel like it, but because, sitting there studying alone, without shaf beside me just felt so perverse and wrong.


I thought that running away, maybe to some place familiar and doing something familiar too, would make everything better.
In truth, it all served to highlight to me all those things that I haven't been wanting to see in a long time, things that I push away.


I thought about you, about how far we've come together, only to have it all gone in a flash.
If you ask me, I can pinpoint a thousand, even a million reasons why things turned out the way it did.
It’s strange how all the reasons that I can ever come up with, only exist because you made them exist and how I didn’t see that I was as much in the wrong as you.
Because I gave up on you too easily, and I just decided that it was all not worth it after all.
There’s a part of me that feels guilty for letting you go with such mechanical and callous ease, that I wasn’t there for you when shit happens, even though I told you I’d be there for you forever.
The main reason why all this happened is not the fact that we hardly spend any time together anymore or the fact that you’ve got your other’s heart to care for and break.
It’s the mere fact that I just couldn’t bring myself to continue breathing for you and cleaning up after you anymore when you’ve never tried to do the same for me.
It drained me to continue giving and giving and being there for you when simply, I just needed you there for me as well.
There’s a part of me that wants to tell you all of this, but I know you wouldn’t understand.


Dilah, if you’re looking for my answer, as to whether I feel guilty about it all, your answer’s right there.




I never would have thought that telling my mum that “secret” entrusted to me would unleash such a torrent of even more secrets and revelations.
I found out so many things that I’m really starting to wish that I never told my mum in the first place.
Of course, the secret’s out now and the whole family, including the kids, know about it.
Except my grandparents of course. They have no idea.
I wonder when my uncle will bring himself over to their house and tell them.
I know it’ll break my grandma’s heart and god knows, she doesn’t need anything like this to happen right now but I hope she hears it from my uncle himself instead as from some other sources.
If you asked me what I thought about all this, I would say that truthfully, I knew something like this was going to happen.
I think the thing with Fadly’s family was more shocking but with Nadia’s, I saw the warning signs way before.

It just makes me so sad that the kids, my cousins, will be the ones who really suffer through it all.
I’m not all that worried about Fadly, my twin brother, cos he has a good relationship with both parents and his parents are amicable with each other so I know that he’ll turn out okay in the end and that he’ll still maintain ties with my family, especially my mum and aunts who adore him.
But I can’t say the same for Nadia and Qai cos they’ve never really been close to the family, only seeing everyone twice a year during Hari Raya.
Now, I don’t know what’s happening.
My mum told me, she and my other aunts are trying to intervene with the kids’ cos they’re straying from the right path. Especially Nadia.
I talked with my mum and my dad a lot about all this yesterday, all the way until 2.30 in the morning.
I still don’t know how it’ll all turn out.


Nadia, if I could, I’d tell you that I know how it feels when you feel so alone in a roomful of people.
I know how it feels when you can’t seem to feel anything and you just need to do something to feel, anything just so you know that the hurt and ache inside you is real.
I’d tell you that bulimia is not the answer, suicide is not the answer, booze, sex and rock and roll is not the answer.
However, I know talking about all this is awkward and uncomfortable for you so I’m trusting you to do your own thing.
I just hope that you somehow already know all that and you’re doing much better now.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened.




I think this post is already insanely long.
I’ve still got lots more to say but somehow I can’t seem to remember the words to say them.
I feel so much closer to my mum now and that’s good.
But I still can’t bring myself to tell her things that are bothering me.
Maybe real soon.
Anyway, I think enough for now.
This took me real long to write cos it’s draining.
It gets tiring when you let your mind wander off to think too deeply and too much.

`Love is not a because. It's a no matter what.