Wednesday, April 16, 2008

At the fork of the yellow road

It's only 9.30 but I'm already tired.
I think my insomnia is effectively, more or less gone.
These days, I come back from school so thoroughly exhausted that I can't stay awake past 12 am anymore.
And then of course there's the problem of me taking naps and then not waking up.
Hmm, I was thinking maybe 34A could start a relay system.
I think it might work so that at least for sure, someone will wake you up.
does that even make sense?


Maths test was okay.
I could do all the questions except I screwed up one question, thus 3 marks already gone.
I just hope I do okay for the paper.
Frankly, I'll be disappointed with a mere pass.


Once again, I'm kinda jumping here and there now.
I'm just typing whatever happens to be in my head, so pardon me if it sounds utterly incoherent or something like that.


Today was a day of extremes.
Extremes being in the weather sense.
It was so fucking hot during half of the day, you could literally feel the heat wafting up from the ground and pressing in on you.
And then, in a blink of an eye, while I was asleep on the 161 back home, the skies started puring.
And it was so extremely heavy that I got drenched to the bone when I walked to the bustop.
I just hope I don't develop a fever or a cold or something.
God knows I've missed school more than enough times already.
Anyway, I think school, even though the stress is crap, is my one and only saving grace.
If I really really concentrate on my work hard enough and focus with all my being, I forget all the insecurities and the doubts plaguing me about the A's.
It helps in some ways.


Dilah says I need to remember that I'm a normal human being that has limits.
I know that but I still like to believe that I'm not merely human, maybe I'm super girl or some other superhero with extraordinary powers.
And it's simply because there is this perfectionist streak in me when it comes to studies and such.
So much so that I push myself way over the limit, just to get to where I am supposed to be.
It's got to the point where I sometimes forget to just stop and breathe and laugh.
Sometimes when I fall hard, I forget the most basic thing;
that falling, is the first step in learning how to fly.




You just asked me whether I'm free on friday.
Even if I am, you know me too well to know that I'll run away from confronting it all head on.
Cos you're right. As always.
I have more of a heart than I am letting on.
I'm too afraid to let myself feel cos it'll hurt and cos denial, it's so much more easier to accept than the stinging truth.
I'm sorry love.

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