It's a no matter what

It's been some time since I last blogged.
Haven't been online all that much.
Which is highly unusual for me, given that I can't stay away from my laptop for a single day without getting some weird withdrawal symptom.
There's really too much I want to say, so much so that everything's just this muddled vortex inside my mind.
I have no idea where to start.
I guess the start would be a good place to start. :)

This will probably be an exceedingly long post though.


I finally got back all the results of the block test.
For maths, I totally expected another zero but somehow, I managed to scrape a two digit number.
Which is 10. -_-
I was a little disappointed by my GP marks but I was quite satisfied that I managed to write a proper summary that merits a mark more than 1/2.
I did okay for malay. I won't say I'm overly satisfied with it cos I'm not.
The sastera section seriously failed me but I guess that's what happens when I try to be too overly ambitious and take a risk by stating points and elements in my essay that the question did not want.
Lit was a half and half.
I thought that after the tongue lashing the whole class got on that thursday, I'd do horribly.
I did pretty good for the PC although the DOM text frustrated me.
I think the fact that I stated some points that grossly disagreed with the principles of the marker, greatly influenced the marks I got
Still, I'm okay with not failing the paper since failing it would mean I stressed the ligaments of my wrist for no reason.
History.
I'm severely disappointed.
I really tried so hard for history.
Honestly, the whole month leading up to the exam, it was all I was technically studying.
I even sacrificed studying for maths to continuously do history mindmaps.
40. I did 40 mindmaps and I went through every single goddamn one after that.
And to fail after doing all of that, just hurts.


On hindsight, history was the one that really brought me crashing down the next day.
I feel quite disgusted and ashamed at myself that I let myself get affected so much and once again, let myself sink so low, I was running away again.
I know for a fact that the migraine and slight fever I started developing on wednesday night, provided me a great cover to run away again.
To try and outrun everything that was catching up to me, and maybe, just maybe, I can go someplace where it all just fades away.
I tried doing just that on friday, I escaped to Terminal 2's viewing mall, just to sit at the usual spot and study, but more to just get out of the house cos the walls were starting to close in on me.
I reached there and sat at the same spot at the place where just 2 years ago, I studied my ass off for O Levels.
But I just couldn't bring myself to.
Not because I didn't feel like it, but because, sitting there studying alone, without shaf beside me just felt so perverse and wrong.


I thought that running away, maybe to some place familiar and doing something familiar too, would make everything better.
In truth, it all served to highlight to me all those things that I haven't been wanting to see in a long time, things that I push away.


I thought about you, about how far we've come together, only to have it all gone in a flash.
If you ask me, I can pinpoint a thousand, even a million reasons why things turned out the way it did.
It’s strange how all the reasons that I can ever come up with, only exist because you made them exist and how I didn’t see that I was as much in the wrong as you.
Because I gave up on you too easily, and I just decided that it was all not worth it after all.
There’s a part of me that feels guilty for letting you go with such mechanical and callous ease, that I wasn’t there for you when shit happens, even though I told you I’d be there for you forever.
The main reason why all this happened is not the fact that we hardly spend any time together anymore or the fact that you’ve got your other’s heart to care for and break.
It’s the mere fact that I just couldn’t bring myself to continue breathing for you and cleaning up after you anymore when you’ve never tried to do the same for me.
It drained me to continue giving and giving and being there for you when simply, I just needed you there for me as well.
There’s a part of me that wants to tell you all of this, but I know you wouldn’t understand.


Dilah, if you’re looking for my answer, as to whether I feel guilty about it all, your answer’s right there.




I never would have thought that telling my mum that “secret” entrusted to me would unleash such a torrent of even more secrets and revelations.
I found out so many things that I’m really starting to wish that I never told my mum in the first place.
Of course, the secret’s out now and the whole family, including the kids, know about it.
Except my grandparents of course. They have no idea.
I wonder when my uncle will bring himself over to their house and tell them.
I know it’ll break my grandma’s heart and god knows, she doesn’t need anything like this to happen right now but I hope she hears it from my uncle himself instead as from some other sources.
If you asked me what I thought about all this, I would say that truthfully, I knew something like this was going to happen.
I think the thing with Fadly’s family was more shocking but with Nadia’s, I saw the warning signs way before.

It just makes me so sad that the kids, my cousins, will be the ones who really suffer through it all.
I’m not all that worried about Fadly, my twin brother, cos he has a good relationship with both parents and his parents are amicable with each other so I know that he’ll turn out okay in the end and that he’ll still maintain ties with my family, especially my mum and aunts who adore him.
But I can’t say the same for Nadia and Qai cos they’ve never really been close to the family, only seeing everyone twice a year during Hari Raya.
Now, I don’t know what’s happening.
My mum told me, she and my other aunts are trying to intervene with the kids’ cos they’re straying from the right path. Especially Nadia.
I talked with my mum and my dad a lot about all this yesterday, all the way until 2.30 in the morning.
I still don’t know how it’ll all turn out.


Nadia, if I could, I’d tell you that I know how it feels when you feel so alone in a roomful of people.
I know how it feels when you can’t seem to feel anything and you just need to do something to feel, anything just so you know that the hurt and ache inside you is real.
I’d tell you that bulimia is not the answer, suicide is not the answer, booze, sex and rock and roll is not the answer.
However, I know talking about all this is awkward and uncomfortable for you so I’m trusting you to do your own thing.
I just hope that you somehow already know all that and you’re doing much better now.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened.




I think this post is already insanely long.
I’ve still got lots more to say but somehow I can’t seem to remember the words to say them.
I feel so much closer to my mum now and that’s good.
But I still can’t bring myself to tell her things that are bothering me.
Maybe real soon.
Anyway, I think enough for now.
This took me real long to write cos it’s draining.
It gets tiring when you let your mind wander off to think too deeply and too much.

`Love is not a because. It's a no matter what.