Please

As I'm typing this, my breathing is ragged.

My eyes are turning misty.

My heart is clenching and unclenching.

I can't take anymore and I know it.

I'm at the breaking point and I know it.

I don't wanna cry.

I don't wanna let it all out but I know I need it.

I hate feeling like this.

There are so many things running around inside my head like a suspended vortex.

I'm not even sure what I'm typing right now.

Am I even making sense?

What I need right now is to cry.

Cry and let it all out.

But I can't cos there's no catalayst.

I need you to break me down.

I need you to force me to talk about it.

I need you to tell me what I don't want to hear.

I need you to resist me pushing you away.

I just fucking need you.

Please.

I gotta do this now cos they're getting louder.

Promise of Abstinence

Today I woke up and decided to take that promise of abstinence.

Abstinence from drinking and smoking and cutting.

I don't drink a lot, just a couple of sips when I get the chance.

I don't smoke a lot either except for the occasional puff of marlboro when i feel like it.

And i haven't cut since April of 2006.

So this promise i'm sealing with you would bring an end to all the puffs and sips and cuts.

for the rest of my life.

I never like making such promises purely based on the fact that I might end up breaking them.

But this morning or rather afternoon, when I got up, I decided to make a final promise.

A promise that I dare say I won't break.

I know I can do it because i've been abstaining from it since april.

The sipping and puffing I can abstain from since it's so occasional it hardly has a hold on my life.

I'm pretty sure I can keep this promise.

Cos frankly, it's about time.

And there's just something about the person I'm sealing this promise with that makes me not want to break it and disappoint.

To said person, (you know who you are) deal's on.

:)

Thank you and I love you

My purpose of posting today is to thank some very special and important people in my life that I've gotten close to in 2006 and the start of 2007.

Firstly, got to mention Fadh.

So here's your little bit:

We got close in such a short space of time.

Yet, you understand more than I can ever comprehend.

And that's saying something.

You're probably one of the few people in my life that can read me like I'm an open book.

Maybe you have an instruction manual hidden somewhere.

Anyway, the fact is, you can somehow guess what I'm feeling or thinking about just by looking at the way I fidget, the slightest tremor in my voice, the slightest look in my eyes.

You see me as I am, with my defences down cos you care enough to knock down all the walls I put up.

I've learnt a lot from you since we got closer.

Like how silence is golden.

And laughter is the best medicine.

And how to have faith be it in friendship or any relationship with anyone you meet.

And many other philosophical and also random things.

So, I just wanna say that I'm thankful that you've graced my life with your prescence and made it that much easier to bear.

Thank you.

Love ya, cinta.

Next, to the one and only, Shaf:

We've gotten much closer in 2006.

You're that twin sister I never had.

You always support me in whatever I do even if sometimes, you think I'm crazy for doing it.

You're my life support system and with you around, life gets a little easier.

Its great knowing that I'll always have you around no matter what different paths we may go to this year.

And yes, ever though you can irritate the hell lot out of me, I still love you;

For being there when no one else was,

For making me believe in myself,

For showing me friendship,

For listening all those times,

For letting me cry on your shoulder,

For laughing with me and crying with me.

You'll always have a special place deep down inside, as cheesy as that sounds.

You're out of this world, E.T.

And I am so lucky to count you as a friend.

Love ya, alien.

And of course to Bani,the colour to my world

And Asy, my confidante

And Gerry, my ink and paper twin

And Bea, my gossip partner

And Farhan, my Mr. Guyfriend

And of course my beloved cousin,Nadia

Thank you all.

G'nite loves.

Harley Davidsons

I was just in the kitchen peeling the skin off chicken drumsticks.

Needless to say, it was gross.

Not to mention slippery and slimy.

I did three drumsticks before giving up seeing as how I would be taking the whole night to finish them since I'm averaging 5 minutes for one drumstick.

(And there were a lot of drumsticks)

In a strange moment of realisation, me and Fadh realise that it's the third week of January and we've been to KFC to visit Bani once each week.

Of course we realised this when we were sitting there and waiting for Bani to finish.

I spent 12 bucks on food and we sinfully indulged in chicken and crispy fattening skin.

And we ate every single last one with Fadh cleaning off the bones for me cos I'm an extremely picky eater and I leave a lot of meat behind for some strange reason or other.

After we were all fed an watered, this conversation happened.

Me: Eh, I need to buy earphones. Is there anywhere here that sells shit like that?

Bani: (thinks for a while.) upstairs ah.

Me: upstairs? ader eh?

Bani: Harley Davidson pe! *shoots me a 'duh' look*

Utter silence for 15 seconds with me and Fadh staring at Bani.

(I was trying to think what a Harley Davidson shop was doing at Tampines Mart and more importantly why it was selling earphones.)

Turns out she meant Harvey Norman and she only figures that out after she sang the tune for the advert on TV.

I laughed my ass off.

The silly things that peopledo to make me laugh.

After all, "laughter is the best medicine."

No matter what I do

No matter what I do, I have to think of you.

It's not always easy to do what I want to do.

Cos your feelings matter in it too.

Honestly sometimes I don't know why I bother cos it's killing me inside.

I just pray to god to grant me that strength to face you every day and keep it all in.

I just hope I can continue taking every hit you shoot at me.

And i hope i can still numb myself.

My dear twin sister I never had,

Where are you?

Everytime I reach out to you, I find myself blocked by this invisible wall.

Maybe we're both been too busy to catch up.

I hope what I think is happening to us isn't gonna happen.

Cos shit like that is not supposed to happen to us.

You know, you'll always have a place in my heart, as cheesy as that sounds.

I just have a freaking soft spot for you basically.

Well, I just gotta say that I miss you like fuck.

And I love ya girl.

Hope you know that.

That look gets me everytime

Anger I can deal with.

But disappointment, that's something I can't deal with.

It's what makes me feel so incomplete and inadequate.

And so not good enough.

I hate that feeling.

That look of disappointment from anyone I love is enough to send me reeling and over the edge.

The thing is, if they throw rage or anger at me, i'll just numb myself and let it bounce off.

It's easy enough once you've mastered the art of putting up a solid wall around your heart so that their bullets just ricochet off and miss their mark.

Anger is subjective.

But disappointment...

Now that's something else.

Anger stings and then you'll probably forget it.

Disappointment haunts you.

As much as I hate hearing "I'm disappointed in you." or see that look coming my way,

I think I'm gonna warrant one of those looks soon.

And when that happens, I can only say I'm sorry and hope that's enough even though I know it isn't.

On a lighter note, working with my family even if it is a pain in the ass at times,

taught me a couple of things I would never find out otherwise.

Here's a little list;

1) One of the main ingredients in making the gravy of mee rebus is curry powder.

2) To make Nasi Lemak, the rice has to be soaked in milk or santan and then left to cook.

3) Onions go rotten in layers. Meaning to say that if you peel the skin off and notice it is rotten, just peel off the rotten layer and you'll have a perfect onion.

4) When an Onion goes bad, the rotten part is white and not black or something.

5) Nuggets can be cooked in portable toasters and it tastes twice as nice and also much healthier with no deep frying involved.

Yup. See all these useful things I have had the fortunate luck to learn.

That's just what the ****

I'm sitting at home while Muse is playing at fort canning right this very instant.

Damn.

I really want to go even though Muse isn't my all-time favourite band but still, its MUSE.

What are the chances of them coming back soon?

The chances of me shaving all my hair off and painting my bald scalp neon orange and then migrating to the Hawaii in a grass skirt is higher.

This is really one of those times when I'm wishing heartily that my dad's a famous rockstar or actor and we're rolling in cash.

(you know like those ball pits at the entrance of IKEA except it's money instead of balls.)

But he's not and we're not rolling in anything and especially not cash.

Still, I had a nice time out today.

I followed Fadh to her interview at The Oriental Hotel.

I ended up waiting for an hour in the carpark for her and her friend to finish.

After that we headed over to the library at the Esplanade.

She learnt a valuable lesson about following me to the library.

I take forever to choose something to read.

Fadh actually remarked that she thought this was how it must feel like to be a boyfriend and wait for your girlfriend when she's choosing something to try on in This Fashion.

I still maintained that since she mostly rearranged her hair and pulled up her jeans and straightened her top with the aid of the glass walls while i was searching, she can't really complain due to the fact she had something to do.

We read or rather she read and I kept interrupting to ask questions and make statements.

We gave up reading since I couldn't stop talking and she couldn't concentrate cos I couldn't shut myself up.

We talked and krapped a bit before she had to go meet Shameen and the others for the Muse concert.

By the time we got to City Hall, it was damn fucking packed.

Probably form everyone who was going to walk to Fort Canning from there.

I felt so small and insignificant and irked out since I'm not going.

After a couple of confusing and vague phonecalls from shameen and i think marr(whom we bumped into with nurul earlier on), it was decided that I was to escort (more of like obliged and forced to) Fadh to the LJS on NorthBridge Road.

Literally escort. And I mean escort all the way up to the door of LJS.

So she won't get lost. (according to her that is.)

After I making sure she met up wit the other Muse concert goers safely, I went home.

So that was my day.

It went okay just like the days before and hopefully the days to come.

Except of course last thursday when my beloved Romie passed away.

I miss him like fuck.

His body was already taken away to be buried then it hit me that he's really gone.

It's just that on wednesday night he was so warm and alive and extra manja with me.

Maybe that was he's way of saying goodbye since he doesn't even make a noise.

Although it's been some time, it's still what the fuck to me.

I Held The Devil's Hand

I'm in a pretty reflective mood today.

I guess it might be because of the rain.

Or it might just be one of those days.

I realised I haven't been thinking deep since the start of the new year.

The thing with me is that I reflect quite often.

My mum says I think too much but then again, that's just who I am.

A deep thinker?

Yeah. Pretty Much.

I haven't found the time to reflect in between work, rest and chilling out with Fadh and Bani.

Hell, I don't even have much time to socialise with anyone else other than those two goons.

And they don't even count cos well, they're goons.

Today, I reflected on mortality.

On how much time God has already given me and how much time I have left.

About life.

How fragile it is and how you can just be snatched away.

I don't know how much time I have left.

Noone does.

The thing is I know that we are all going to die but it just never really hit me that I am going to be six feet under one fine day.

I always take it for granted that I'll wake up the next morning and take another breath.

Hell, I always take it for granted that I'm gonna draw breath again the next second.

But death is real.

And it scares me how I might not have enough time to do all the things I want to do.

It scares me how I might get a chance to tell people things I somehow can't find the courage to say now.

Like how sorry I am for all the hurt and wrong I did them.

And how much I treasure their presence.

And how grateful I am for every single thing they've done for me and for the love and friendship they've given me.

And how much I love them.

(So hey, I love all of you out there kay. my family and my friends.really.literally)

but mostly, I'm scared of not having enough time to seek forgiveness for all the things I did.

For all the sins that I've committed.

And for all the times I've held the Devil's hand.

I Forgot The Simplicity Of Normal

It's been a long time since I last posted.

Fadh's sitting beside me(again) msging and telling me about her "potential" shit.

I'm tuning her out so I get a bit of time to blog.

A lot of things happened with the turn of the new year.
Personally for me, I don't really care much for the new year.

As in I'm just living my life.

Each day is the same but with small twists and surprises.

It's the same story but just a different version.

The first week of the new year's been packed though.

And it slipped through my fingers before I could properly grasp it.

I spent the actual new year lazing around.

The next day me and Fadh went to Bani's workplace.

The plan was to grab a quick bite.

A quick bite turned out to be a six hour stay at KFC.

It's surprising how much you can find out about another person when you're stuck with them for six hours straight and with nothing to do but talk.

It goes to show that you should change your first impressions of people and just let them suprise you.

I guess after all that, it's not surprising that she can just pop over after i get home from work and just chill.

And use the computer since hers "meletop".

Literally.

With the sparks and all.

Mostly Bani comes over too but she's not here today.

And she wasn't there the day Fadh slept over.

It was a Friday.

We ended up sleeping at almost 6 in the morning.

It was a little weird when I woke up and saw her lying on the bed,sleeping her ass off.

Weird but a fact of reality.

Sometimes I'm struck by how far I've come from who I was.

It's not that I'm not happy with who I am now.

Cos I am.

It's just a little surreal.

But surreal in a good way.

If you told me I'd be where I am now a few years back, when I just started in TKGS, i'd laugh out loud at your face.

And i'd tell you I'd never change.

But that's preposterous cos nothing will ever be the same.

And once you or something in your routine changes, you can't change it back.

Life's not alike a car.

It can't go in reverse.

If we could all do that, we'd live to be 80 and still trying to reverse and redo our teen years.

And really, you can't just blame it on life.

Cos honestly, what would life be without the people.

Us actors on this huge stage laid out for us.

And people; they're even more unpredictable than life itself.

In episode nine of Season 1 of One Tree Hill, Lucas said "What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages and dials and registers. And we can only read a few. And those perhaps not accurately."

That quote sums it all up.

I'm getting distracted by a certain someone beside me and it's like some annoying mosquito buzzing continuously so i'd better go and swat it before it starts sucking my precious blood.