Till the morning light

I'm sitting here on the platform in the living room with the laptop on my lap.

I can't hear anything else except the sound of the fan whirring and amsyar's breathing as he sleeps.

I'm supposed to watch him until the elders and his mommy comes back from supper.

It's a nice feeling, this peaceful contentment.

Haven't felt like that in a long time.

Like it's just me and noone else.

It's really times like this, late in the early morning of the night (how oxymoronic.) that I really enjoy being an insomniac.

Could stay like this the whole night but unfortunately, I've got to get to school early for the KL trip briefing tomorrow.

such a bummer early in the morning.

Nevertheless, I've somehow got my motivation to study (somewhat) so I need to drag myself to school and finish up my history essays since I'm finally done with maths. :)

The whole paranoia, stressed up, I-can't-do-this feeling is starting to creep back into me.

Had another semi-argument with mum about it.

the same old thing again.

as always, she kinda missed the point and I got tired of repeating the same thing again and again so I decided to just give up and leave it and go and complain to my sister.

Who, although, watching America's Next Top Model online, still had time to listen to me rattle on about jc and poly and uni and jobs and essentially the future.

I realise I'm being quite hypocritical really.

Cos I told her, I'll fight for her case if she decides to go to poly but then I know I'll be damn disappointed if she doesn't get her ass into a JC.

-_-.

I'm half disappointed that my semi-argument with my mum didn't culminate in a breakdown.

I'm in serious need of one right about now.

That's all now.

It's almost 1 in the morning.

Say goodnight stars.

Sweet dreams.

I'll be fine, I swear

I'm still having Pahang withdrawal symptoms.

:(

The trip to KL is coming nearer and I still haven't pack or anything of that sort.

It's gonna be last minute packing on monday. heh.

It's not that I don't want to trust.

It's just that I don't trust anyone enough as much as they deserve to be trusted.

After all the people I've trusted betrayed my trust, I find it damn hard to start trusting people again.

Especially when it comes to my feelings.

I know most of the people closest to me know this already but I still feel a need to say it out cos I don't want anyone to feel hurt or kecik hati or some thing of that sort.

It's just me.

I've got trust issues.

And although I'm going to try and open up more, I'm just saying, don't put up your hopes too high.

It's gonna take much more for me to come out from beneath the concrete layers.

So, to all my loves;

dilah,li,naz,nad,khai and everyone else,

I hope you guys be patient with me okay?

I'll try my best to start opening up but korg jgn terlalu mengharap k.

Hope you guys understand that it has nothing to do with you, it's all me and the bad experiences I've had.

Whatever it is,

I'll be fine, I swear.

Pahang Trip 2007

And finally I found time to blog about the Pahang trip.

Was too tired and malas yesterday and the day before.

The train ride there took about 9 hours.

so being typical girls, we sat around and gossip and ate the tons of food we brought with us.

There was chipsmore, marie biscuits, pototo chips, twisties, more biscuits and even donuts.

We just kept bringing out more food until Syed Ahmad who was sitting behind us remarked,

"mampos. krg nie kerje ngna kedai mamak eh?"

haha.

Li and Nad soon fell asleep leaving me and khai really really bored.

We walked up and down the coach and then on impulse, decided to drag jia to the canteen where we had a plate of nasi goreng at 1.30 in the morning.

We crapped a bit, played stupid games and then walked back to our seats and tried really hard but failed to sleep.

By the time we wanted to start sleeping, we already arrived in Pahang.

We checked into the hotel where Li straight away fell asleep again.

The rest of us watched some drama on tv before deciding to go sleep.

Once again, my insomnia kicked in and I couldn't sleep so I resorted to walking up and down the room and sleeping on the floor and other stupid things to pass the time.

Managed to grab about 30 minutes of sleep in the end.

haha.

The next day was the CIP at the orang asli settlement.

nothing much happened the first half of the day except preparation time and all that.

So we trekked the whole way into the settlement where me being the clumsy me, I tripped over air(literally) and scrapped my knee on the road.

Haha.

And so we finally reached the settlement.

It was really an eye opener for me.

How the people there lived with so little luxuries and material comforts that we all take for granted as our own right.

On the outside, it may look as though they're living a much more carefree life but when you look closer and see the many lines and creases on their faces, you'd know that they work so hard just to survive.

and the children there.

that look in their eyes and the happiness they show when we played with them and all

I really felt so small when I was there.

Still missing Riyan, this super cute little boy who kept laughing and smiling and all that.

Whatever it is, he and the rest of them will always be in my prayers.

That night at the hotel, I thought I could fall asleep easily but I still couldn't so I shifted and squeezed in with khai and nad on the queen bed, leaving li alone in the other room.

But I still failed to fall asleep until around 1 plus for reasons only known by those there. haha

Slept for 3 hours before waking up suddenly at 4.

Started my whole routine of walking up and down the room before squeezing in with Li.

Who incidentally step semangat nk bgn 5.30 but she woke up 1 hour later.

-_-

trekking up mount kesong the next day was kinda freaky at first but I loved every minute of it.

The guides made sure to look after me and ying properly cos firstly I'm flat footed and secondly cos I'm really really freaked of heights.

(think of hyperventilating and shaking all over kinda of freaked)

Still, with the help of the rest of group radiate and the guides and instructor sky, we all managed to go all the way to the top of the 583m high gunung kesong.

:) :) :)

The trek down was a little more freaky cos you suddenly realise how steep and high everything is.

especially this part where its a 7 metre sheer rock wall and if you let go of the rock, you basically fall and die la.

gotta thank lutfi at this part cos he helped me from completely freaking out when I was going down that thing.

Gotta thank Francis, our beloved guide also for guiding me the whole way down especially for lending me a hand when it started getting slippery from the rain.

Sidenote: I made it up and down without injuring my ankles or spraining it. :)

By the time me and the 19 others who managed to get down first showered, it was raining damn heavily.

Some of us attempted to eat but since about 60 or more of the IJCians were still stuck up there, none of us ate anything much.

We ended up waiting under the tentage for the rest to come down.

Radhiah started to cry after a while and I followed suit after mr mg kept coming back with bad news such as "they're stuck. cannot come down. too dark. i think some casualties"

in my defense, all of my girls were stuck up there namely nad, khai and li and ilham was stuck up there too.

and hey, I love all of them lots k and if you saw the trail and how dark it was and the rain, you'd probably cry too.

the whole of my group radiate, managed to come down by 11.30 pm.

It was still raining and no one was in the mood to sleep but chief veron forced us to lay our sleeping bags in the chalet room (after the plan of sleeping in the cave got cancelled) and wait.

By the time we did all that, it was already almost 1 in the morning and stll no sign of the other group.

finally, radhiah screamed at me that she saw khai so I ran all the way to where she was and felt so utterly relieved to see her fine and well and breathing and not like lying on a stretcher or some shit like that.

nad came down at 2 plus and li at 3 sth.

Li came down frowning and snapping at everyone cos she was damn cranky from lack of sleep and all that.

so warning to everyone, when nurliyana ismail is sleepy and tired, don't try talking to her, she'll bite your head off. :p

The last group came down at 4 plus which by that time I was half dead already so me and nad decided to share a bed and sleep.

The next day was supposed to be water rafting.

But due to unforseen circumstances, me and about 20 radiate people got stuck at the rimba park while waiting for the jeeps to take us down to the rafting place.

we waited up there for 5 freaking hours with really nothing to do except play stupid mind games and bonding with each other.

By the time we got down, the rain started pouring again and it was already 6 pm.

In the end , the whole of our group didn't get to go rafting.

to say we were all disappointed is a huge understatement.

Basically my group did nothing the whole day except wait around.

Such a waste.

Nevertheless, the campfire was okay.

good entertainment provided by mojo and sky.

haha.

I was too tired to really enjoy it properly so yeah.

We got on the train back and we just slept the whole way.

:)

And so ends the trip to pahang.

It was damn fun and I miss every moment of it.

One of the best adventure camps I've attended and heh, I'll never forget gunung kesong.

:)

On another note, trip to KL's coming up.

I had this moment on wednesday night when I almost pull out of the trip cos I suddenly got news that I had to pay the full amount for the trip.

Which I clearly can't afford at this point of time.

So after much cursing and complaining to nad (syg kau for listening babe), and talking to cikgu, I came up with a plan that will help me go and still pay for the trip.

Basically, cikgu will pay the amount for me first and I have to pay her back in monthly installments.

and all of these montly installments will come from my own pocket money so I've got to save every month.

Nad said she'll keep track of the amount left to pay and such and that we'll form a tabung amal to put in my money to save so I don't spend.

So to all 34 goons, tolong aku save money okay..

Must make sure I dont spend on shopping or other unneccessary things.

I've got 7 months of installments to complete.

:)

for one more time

Sometime's I build up walls not to keep people out.

But to see who cares enough to knock them down.

You can knock them down, bulldoze them, crack every last wall into bits.

And then I'll just push you away even though you can be the one who can save me.

Cos trust, is something that has to be earned.

And sometimes, I keep up my fakeness cos I don't think you can handle me without it.

I don't think I ever can.

Reveal all.

Give away everything to someone.

I've been hurt too much to let it all go to the people I love.

Especially to the people I love.

it's just a fleck on your porcelain skin

a bold deception with hidden truths

and different meanings

ultimately, its just another deathwish

another reason for the stars to cry

go too fast, and you're bound to crash someday.

so just walk then, on that thin line of danger

until you almost forget how to breathe

then you try to fix myself

those broken pieces that will never mend

you know the consequences

of that single cut with eyes wide open

when tears do nothing to wash the pain

another scar of self-delusionment

with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

where every night's a different story

of forgotten hopes and lost dreams

with the same inevitable ache

that came from just a tiny little slit.

Sometimes, I wish I could just for one more time.

So that I can feel alive again.

I need to.

To feel that I'm real, that this is all me.

can you feel it?

Can you feel it widening? that chasm between us, cracking open along the hairline cracks, clearly dividing two different worlds.

Like yin and yang only with a more sinister intent.

Cos time's never on our side and we're powerless to stop the movement of the planets, the constant motion of life.

Can you feel it?

Cos I can.

and it terrifies me.

I've learned that laughter is the best medicine.

I've learned how to laugh when you feel like crying.

I've learned how to numb your heart so you'll never feel hurt.

I've learned how fragile the ties of a friendship can be.

I've learned that it's the words left unspoken that hurts the most.

I've learned that fairytales don't happen in real life.

I've learned that when it comes down to it, you're all alone cos it's every man for himself.

I've learned that even the things that make you so happy can hurt you equally as hard.

I've learned that trust has to be earned.

I've leaned that not everything is what it seems.

I've learned that what I fear most in life is loss.

Guess I've learned a lot this year.

heroes and anatomies

My room is a real mess.

I decided to start packing for all of my trips last Saturday so there's backpacks and clothes topped with a couple of Movie World ponchos from the trip to Australia ages ago, all ready for Pahang this coming Saturday.

Just waiting to be stuffed into ziploc bags and then stuffed into backpacks.

I'm debating on the amount of reading material I should bring for the train ride.

I've still got to complete my 2nd reading of Brave New World and then read the notes I printed out.

And there's still The Duchess of Malfi to read but the language is killing me so that's not really much of an alternative option.

Clothes for KL's also already in the trolley bag (should I even bring one?), well at least the clothes I'm sure I'll bring.

Speaking of which I need to get jeans soon so I have enough to go around seeing as how I don't have time to wash all the clothes before I leave for UK.

Got my winter coat and all the thick cardigans and sweaters and pullovers ready.

My leather gloves are starting to peel though.

It's such a waste.

I love those gloves and I've never even worn them before!

I'm supposed to be studying and reading up on my notes or at least starting on all the chapter summaries for Restu.

But as usual, I'm slacking.

This time I'm watching heroes and grey's anatomy online.

So at least I get to watch the episodes I'll miss when I'm gone.

(and probably a few more episodes too.heh)

Sometimes you think they're the ones that's gonna matter in the long run and then you suddenly realise that they're not even worth your thoughts.

I love them

My cats have found pretty interesting places to sleep and laze around.

Namely in the washing machine and on top of the telly.

-_-

Valentine

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.


Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.


I am trying to be truthful.


Not a cute card or a kissogram.


I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.


Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

Cos you'll always be special to me

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me
I was almost dead

Because no one can ever take your place and no one I've met since has even come close.

Sometimes I think its me braced alone because I haven't met someone that could offer me what you gave to me.

Someone who can read me inside out, know me so well and stick by me through thick and thin.

Someone I trust enough to let my guard down and cry in front off.

Someone that I can tell my fears to without worrying about how trivial they sound.

Someone that I can always trust to listen to me, even the words that I don't say.

Someone I'm not afraid to call at 2am in the morning cos I know you'll always pick up the phone.

You told me once after the whole thing that you thought it was like any normal fight but circumstances got in the way and we never got it back.

And now you tell me out of the blue that I mean a lot to you and we've been through all that shit but I'll always be special to you.

I'll echo what you say not because it's the right reply or because of the need to reciprocrate the gift you've gladly handed to me.

It's just simple because you'll always be special to me too.

What has become of you?

I woke up this morning at 9.30 when some soul msged me and then I realised I was already supposed to be sitting in the school library by then.
Somehow even though I knew I was late and all, I drifted off to sleep again.
Woke up and lazed around until I decided to travel all the way to Yishun cos I wanted to buy a half-cardigan at the This Fashion there and well, wanted to see the whole bunch of goons for a bit.
Sadly, they ran out of stock so me, naz and li travelled all the way back to Tamp to go shopping.
We only managed to step in toys r'us before naz had to urgently rush off.
It's okay babe.
You can go shopping with me another day okay? :)
Walked around with Li and Muhaimin before heading off on my own.
Checked the stores at the interchange linkway before doubling back to go off to White Sands.
I checked every single clothing store there including my favourite shop but failed to find anything that really caught my fancy.
In in a nutshell, I sorta wasted half a day traveling near and far without actually buying
anything.
-_-


To you;
You sound like a goddamn self centered narcissistic bitch.
I'm ashamed to even admit that I'm friends with you.
I know that I'm losing whatever I have with you but even the prospect of that is not enough to convince me to meet you even for a short while before we completely lose it.
I understand there's demons in your past that taints your present and your future but even that is not a good enough excuse to act the way you do, like as though you're undomesticated.
Aren't you ever afraid that people will look at you and think "hmm..her mother never taught her any manners."
I don't know what else to say to make you realise what you're doing.
Especially the fact that just cos your life wasn't anywhere close to perfect, you really shouldn't do things that will only screw up your future as well.
Whatever it is, I hope you get to see the light and cease to be blinded anymore.
Btw, I hope you really stop using His name so callously.
I'm not saying I'm a saint.
But there's a limit to being superficial and fake and just using His name everytime it fits.

There's a lot I want to say to some people but then I realise upon reflection that it's not going to cause said people to change.
Maybe they will one day.
Sometime between Hell freezing over and Not in this lifetime.

And its the journey we took

I haven't been blogging much.

I used to blog at least once a day but now whenever I open up the blogger page, I find myself at a loss as to what to say.

Sure there's plenty of things I want to blog about but then no matter what words I use, it somehow still doesn't quite describe what I want to say.

As always, a lot of things has happened, the highlight of which is last friday.

We all got back our results and yes I got promoted.

Li, Naz and Syafiq didn't though.

To say that I'm hugely relieved that I'm promoted would be a gross overstatement.

Truth is, I'm more terrified.

Of what I will face next year and of whether I can make it without losing myself in the process.

I guess what scares me even more is the fact that Li and Naz won't be there as they were for me this year.

I know there will be others that will be more than happy to look out for me but it's just not the same thing.

I guess the problem lies within me really.

I don't trust people easily and I don't open up to people I can't bring myself to trust.

The whole root of the problem (if that's what you can call it), is that I just bottle up every emotion I feel so that I stay void and empty.

That's just me.

That's how I deal with whatever life throws at me and that's how I deal with the emotional roller coaster ride.

I know it's bad for me cos I'll just blow up and then it'll be this huge mess again but it's hard for me to even talk about how I feel let alone actually allow myself to feel.

Sometimes I imagine my heart is this body of water that slowly freezes over time and is now this solid wall of ice that's steadily cracking down the middle.

When the three of us sat down for a while to talk on friday about how we feel and all that, I find myself at a loss for words.

I don't know how to tell what I feel just like how I don't know what to say.

I felt like crap the whole entire day cos I feel this thing inside me that's dying to be let out but everytime I try to feel or talk about it,

I find myself sounding so goddamn mechanical and rehearsed, so utterly void of emotions.

I don't think tearing for 5 mintues is the same as letting it out.

But it seems that's as far as I can go as of now.

Dilah says it's not the right time yet that's why I still can't cry properly.

To be honest, the last time I had a good long therapeutic crying session was last May which is a pretty long time ago.

I guess what I'm terrified of is the fact that next year, there'll be no one I feel comfortable SOS-ing whenever I start to feel so heavy inside that its as though my insides are filled with lead.

Whatever it is, I can at least take a small amount of comfort in the fact that both Li and Naz will still be around next year, just leading a different path.

After the journey that we took, it's sad to see that the road is now forked and some of 0734A are forced to turn the other way.

Still, the memories be it good or bad, was every bit worth it.

I don't want to think about it

And so yesterday we went to Vivo.

I only agreed to go because I was playing supergirl for the day.

Still, it was nice just walking around the huge place.

Me, Khai and Syafiq continued walking around after Nad and her friends went off to her house.

We went into toys r us and met a couple of people who resembled some of the other babes.

Haiyo Nad. Asal kau pout sampai mcm tu skali? :p

Li, this must be what you look like under your human mask. :p

haha. no offence to all those affected.

That's what you get when I'm hyper and there happens to be a sale on various masks at the toy store cos it's halloween.

After walking around some more, we settled at the amphitheatre, eating jelly beans and talking about random shits.

From bitching and gossiping to ghost stories and other random bits.

After about 2 hours, me and syafiq decided to send khai home.

which means taking the bus all the way to bukit panjang, drop her off and then taking the same bus to woodlands which is incidentally right back where we started hours before. -_-

Then its a bus ride on 2 different buses before we both reached home.

Didn't manage to say goodbye to him properly cos I ran off to catch the bus.

I had this fleeting image of him getting down from the bus behind me in this daze cos I didn't think he heard me telling him I'm running off.

HAHA.

On a more serious note,

I want to thank my fellow IJ107 group mates for sticking it through thick and thin all the way until the end of PW.

There were times when each of us felt like giving up and just breaking down into pieces.

Especially all the obstacles we had trying to organise our pilot test

and not to forget the shit we went through for WR.

Overall I think we did alright.

And even if we don't get A, all the memories we shared is more than enough for me.

I'm really thankful that I got group members such as you guys and I could never ask for any better.

I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow.

I'm not thinking about whether I'll get promoted or not.

I'm thinking more about the people that I may lose.

I'm thinking about how the chances of 0734A existing after tomorrow are so slim it's not even 50%.

I'm thinking of all the memories, the good times and the bad times.

34A is already small enough to begin with and when ain and shaf left, it got smaller.

It's saddens me a lot to think that it's just going to get so small it's not going to exist anymore.

sigh.

I love my class too much to just watch it disintegrate.

Please god, if it's one thing I need to get me through next year, its my class and all the people inside it.

If there was a chance that I could freeze time, I'd freeze the start of this year when 34A was whole and complete.