And its the journey we took

I haven't been blogging much.

I used to blog at least once a day but now whenever I open up the blogger page, I find myself at a loss as to what to say.

Sure there's plenty of things I want to blog about but then no matter what words I use, it somehow still doesn't quite describe what I want to say.

As always, a lot of things has happened, the highlight of which is last friday.

We all got back our results and yes I got promoted.

Li, Naz and Syafiq didn't though.

To say that I'm hugely relieved that I'm promoted would be a gross overstatement.

Truth is, I'm more terrified.

Of what I will face next year and of whether I can make it without losing myself in the process.

I guess what scares me even more is the fact that Li and Naz won't be there as they were for me this year.

I know there will be others that will be more than happy to look out for me but it's just not the same thing.

I guess the problem lies within me really.

I don't trust people easily and I don't open up to people I can't bring myself to trust.

The whole root of the problem (if that's what you can call it), is that I just bottle up every emotion I feel so that I stay void and empty.

That's just me.

That's how I deal with whatever life throws at me and that's how I deal with the emotional roller coaster ride.

I know it's bad for me cos I'll just blow up and then it'll be this huge mess again but it's hard for me to even talk about how I feel let alone actually allow myself to feel.

Sometimes I imagine my heart is this body of water that slowly freezes over time and is now this solid wall of ice that's steadily cracking down the middle.

When the three of us sat down for a while to talk on friday about how we feel and all that, I find myself at a loss for words.

I don't know how to tell what I feel just like how I don't know what to say.

I felt like crap the whole entire day cos I feel this thing inside me that's dying to be let out but everytime I try to feel or talk about it,

I find myself sounding so goddamn mechanical and rehearsed, so utterly void of emotions.

I don't think tearing for 5 mintues is the same as letting it out.

But it seems that's as far as I can go as of now.

Dilah says it's not the right time yet that's why I still can't cry properly.

To be honest, the last time I had a good long therapeutic crying session was last May which is a pretty long time ago.

I guess what I'm terrified of is the fact that next year, there'll be no one I feel comfortable SOS-ing whenever I start to feel so heavy inside that its as though my insides are filled with lead.

Whatever it is, I can at least take a small amount of comfort in the fact that both Li and Naz will still be around next year, just leading a different path.

After the journey that we took, it's sad to see that the road is now forked and some of 0734A are forced to turn the other way.

Still, the memories be it good or bad, was every bit worth it.