Denial is painful

Sigh.

ok u know what, i am going to let off all the fucking steam i have kept in to myself for 4 months and 25 days.

geez. mrs yeo is right. i am doing a lot of counting these days.

wat's 4 months and 25 days you ask?

that's how long it's been.

That long? i hear you ask.

yes. it's been that long.

Can you just do me one favour, just answer this one simple question for me.

Why?

why did it take so long?

remember after that day when i walked away, we had a session with mrs yeo, you and you and you and me.

and on the way home, it was as though nothing ever happened.

you sat beside me when the seat next to you was vacated and we talked like normal. Like everyday. You told me about ashik and we laughed and talked.

then we took the bus home and as usual, u gave me my goodbye hug and i watched you cross the road. You turned and waved goodbye with that smile of yours and i headed home.

Then all of a sudden, the next day, it was like this huge gigantic brick wall was erected between us.

You avoided my eyes and i knew then that you all wanted space. distance.

so i granted you that.

It hurt to know that the space included cancelling my name off foolscapes and relabeling me as loser instead. and even one of you wishing me dead when i didn't come to school one day. or that you made out that you only had one best friend.

where did you go?

you were supposed to be my best friend.

i was a wreck okay.

a real wreck.

even my mum was shocked that i got affected so badly.

even goddamn teachers started being nicer to me, patting my shoulder, telling me it's all gonna be okay because i have my friends around me.

but i had noone.

for the first time since 3 years and 4 months and 2 days, (counting again. haha.) i had to grapple my way through life like a blind man.

i had to find footholds when nothing was there for me to foothold on.

But somehow, i survived even with all the hurt and pain and with seeing you all having the time of your lives. together.

you asked me why i didn't make the first move.

because i was scared. i was terrified that you would reject me and push me way. But still, i tried. i tried but then i stopped trying when you said that nothing i say has any effect on you anymore.

besides, there were six of you.

last time i heard, six is definately bigger than one.

you had each other for support. maybe that's why you didn't feel what i felt.

I wondered why you see.

you said you're glad we're not best friends anymore because life seems easier. and then you thanked me for the ride.

its like you already reached a decision to just let it go.

and i felt so stupid cos it seems like i'm the only one that's still fighting to somehow salvage whatever pieces that's left.

why did you give up so easily. whatever happened to "i promise i'll stick with you through thick and thin." ? i just can't help wondering.

You asked me why i keep bringing up the pain i feel everytime when i'm not the only one who was battered in this whole thing.

truth is, i want an answer. i want to know why.

make me understand why.

not why you left.

why it took so long for you to even look at me let alone talk.

enlighten me.

grant me understanding.

make me understand why then maybe, just maybe, i can fully let you go and accept that the ride is truly over.

To be a kid again

Heh. More hate tags.

Oh well, i'm thankful cos it shows that at least people bother to pay attention and actually take the time to react.

Weird. people will always be people.

honestly, i'm not fussed. universal popularity ain't everything and i know that i can't possibly please everyone.

But i know that all those who know me know that i'm generally like that and i say shit like that .

So i'm really not going to bother anymore.

Tag all you want.

It's YOUR own time you're wasting not mine.

And besides, i know dearest shasha is incredibly happy to have some subjects to test her prowess on.

So shasha, go ahead man, go flood my tagboard since it's "addictive" right?? lolz.

Moving on from ridiculously silly tagboard wars,

i went out with shaf just now to study ss since prelims officially start tomorrow.

plonked (love that word for some strange reason) ourselves at the macs at tamp.

And we didn't even open our books.

I was busy reading chicken soup and she was busy wasting my iPod battery and doodling.

We were like "let's study at 3."

3 became 3.30 and in the end, we just gave up.

And so we went off to town to just walk around.

I brought her to Takashimaya's 4th level to that adorable toy shop that smells of ikea according to her.

and we laughed ourselves silly playing with the games and stuffed animals there.

it was fun.

sometimes, i think it's all worth it just to be a kid again to get to experience that kinda of pure fun in the simplest of things.

So yeah, we walked around other parts of town for a bit then headed off home.

And i spent the next hour or so cramming stuff into my already crammed brain.

boy, i am going to be so glad when the big O's are over.

And somehow, i'm beginning to get the feeling that maybe, english teacher isn't the only book i'll be burning at the end of the year.

Take me as I am

Well, i just read those tags posted on my tagboard.

Hmm.

interesting food for thought.

anyway, i'm not going to waste any time defending myself or what I said.

But;

i've just got this to say:

I am who i am and hell, if you can't take that, that is unfortunately your loss.

Thing is, i've gotten much worse shit than that and i've learned not to let it affect me.

swallow the meat and not the bones. :)

I know who i am and my friends know who i am and that's good enough for me.

Hmm...

though, i got a feeling i know who you might be 'cool'.

I got a very good feeling who you are but hey, i'll let you have the benefit of the doubt huh?

anyway, i've always said that I tend to read too much between the lines.

I'm taking a tiny break from studying. Been studying since 5 or something and my brain is exhausted from trying to cramp Venice into my brain cells.

You know, everytime i think of brain cells and memory, i think of those grey metal filing cabinets filled with loads of files.

then anytime you want to extract a memory, the right drawer will open and a file will emerge and you get your memory.

heh. weird. but then, that's just me.

I've got a couple of shout outs to a couple of people:

Xin Min: Hey girl. Don't be afraid. I know what it's like to have to depend on meds for a long period of time. But look at it this way, if it makes you better, go for it. it's a huge step to take and i know you hate to go back to that goddamn sterile place but really, let the doctors give you something to help. you'll get better so much faster.all the best darling. much love from me.

Nadia: Hey darling! it's been such a long time since we talked. I know it's kinda hard with our schedules being the way they are, but we should try meet up sometime. I know you've got a hell lot going on in there and hey, its not good keeping it in kay. I know we generally don't talk about that kinda stuffs but i want you to know that i'm here for you if you ever need me. take care. much love from me.

Shasha: Thanks girl for making me feel better. you really are a gem! geez, i wonder what i would do without people like you to colour my life. heh.and hey! you still owe me lunch and coffee. after my o's yeah? :) take care. Love ya to bits gorgeous.

that's all i gotta say.

night all. Sail into the unknown in your dreams.

and hey, reach out for the stars.

If you had 15 seconds

Today was a jam-packed day.

full of nerves and strangely, lotsa support and love and motivation.

I shall start at the begining then shall i?

well, the journey to school is as usual a little uneventful except for the same-old stories about farhan or abbas or james or awie(is that how you spell his name asy?) or idris or kamarul or zul or(recently added to the list) ayie or haqi or khai and of course how could i forget the (uncute in my opinion) zafir.

yes yes, i know that's a whole lot of guys. what can i say? we're all hott and gorgeous and sexy so naturally we rein in the testosterones. :)

so 1st period was english which we were all treated to a highly descriptive and detailed version of gerry's oral exam yesterday and which caused me to lose my mood for the entire day after that.

2nd period was supposed to be PE and since i didn't want to run, i was thinking of going to the sickbay but then i remembered that Mrs. Yeo wanted to see me so i might as well go troop along to her room and see her. i mean, better get it over and done with right?

so we talked and she agreed that my idea wasn't such a bad one although she did warn me to expect the worst. she said sometimes, we all just gotta be a little pessimistic.

so after the bell rang for 3rd period, i went back to class only to leave again to see Mdm Lee.

she had a nice heart-to-heart talk with me.

weird i know but she just listened while i cried my heart out about everything.

the lack of money. the uncertainty on whether i can ever continue my studies, which incidentally is why i really really REALLY need that UWC scholarship. and also the helplessness i feel watching my parents struggle for just that pathetic scrap of gold in the form of a dollar coin.

she told me straight that although my intention to quit school and help out financially is noble, it won't benefit me and besides, my parents are giving it their all to keep me in school so i really shouldn't put that to waste.

she held my hand and told me that i could do it no matter how horrible my maths grades are and that's because she knows that deep down, i have it in me and she has faith in me.

(that only made me cry harder really)

She told me to never give up and keep on fighting for my dreams.

At the end of it, she let me off and suddenly, without really knowing why, i kinda asked for a hug and she smiled and said "of course" and hugged me tight for a second or two, not caring that my tears were staining her shirt.

Thank you Mdm Lee.

So after recess was double bio and chem.

and Mrs Ngin, gave us another motivational talk that got me all inspired and motivated. She never fails to make me and the rest of us, feel that way.

I think the school should have more teachers like her just so that we students get the right motivation to study.

I will always remember that there's a star in me.

Thank you Mrs Ngin.

And damn, there was that time for oral.

time is one annoying thing really, when you're dreading something, it has this irritating habit of speeding up.ergh.

i was the last to go so naturally, i had a long wait.

slowly, people dwindled out of the hall until there was only me and Tian left.

I looked over at her and gave her the thumbs up and then we were ready to go.

my first thought when i saw the picture was "oh fuck".

i mean it's not a totally incoherent picture. just, very difficult to describe.

so i read and told myself to not make all the stupid mistakes i always make like reading too fast.

then before i could grasp my answers properly it was time.

i tell you, the walk up to the examiner's table was excruciating.

it also doesn't help that they are looking at you as though they think you're a stubborn piece of dirt on their shoe.

And i read and damn i made that same stupid mistake of reading as though i'm trying to catch after a speeding bullet.

geez. after all that psycho talk to myself, it was all such a waste.

And i am pretty sure i screwed up the picture section because i said it was a chinese new year sale. I mean do department stores have CNY sales?!??

ergh. could have killed myself.

i just totally forgot all that i planned to say and i honestly thought that the examiners were a bit shall i say in pain and wincing? cos they were looking as though they got dildos stuck up their asses and nostrils.

not that they had. i mean even if they did, i won't be able to see but that's besides the point.

so next was the convo.

it went okay i suppose. the topic was not too hard. shopping.

i just blabbed non-stop and i think i overused a couple of words like 'retail therapy' and 'addictive' and 'waste of time'

but all in all, i think i might be able to scrape a decent grade. i need to. think UWC scholarship.

so after the exam, me and shaf decided to really do some retail therapy and we went up to century square's department store and hehe, we had shall i dare say fun?

we tried out clothes that i swear to god we wouldn't have dared try if our mother's knew.

but hey, they make us look incredibly HOTT and GORGEOUS and SEXAYE. really.

i tried on this super super super mini skirt with a gorgeous halter top and shaf had the same skirt with this hott black top that i'm sure will send cum flying if i may be allowed to be direct. :)

and then we headed over to This Fashion and tried on some more clothes. all evidence of this is imprinted on my phone.

heh, i lurrvee shopping with her. It's like i'm not afraid to show what i like and try out stuff i wouldn't normally try and give my opinions on stuffs.

So yeah. She got on 3 with me and it was hilarious the way we were talking to each other on the phone when we were only 2 meters apart due to the fact that she joined the queue late.

oh and she said something that made me smile.

"That's what i like about you. The fact that you can read other people so easily and relate to them. Like how you can know what someone's down and more importantly why they're down. You're a gift from god girl."

heh. yup. i like that part of me too. it seems like i've gotten more perceptive and observant. maybe 4 months and 21 days taught me all i needed to know.

Anyway, like what i told lollie, after having my own wounds opened up and examined like i'm some corpse being subjected to a post mortem has thought me how to open up the wounds of others and let them feel the pain so they can move on.

A thought: "if you knew i had 15 seconds to live, what would you tell me?"

haqi: "I'll tell you that i love you. more than the stars in the sky, more than every breath i take and more than life itself." :)

bie, did i ever mention to you how adorably sweet and romantic you can be?

anyway, this post is long enough so i'll take my leave.

goodnight world.

much love to all my loves.

Waiting for forever

I had a great time just now. Like always.

You just never fail to make my day.

As usual on every tues and wed, i'll drop by his house.

so today was no different.

Headed over to his house after i sent shaf home cos that poor girl got a serious headache.

Honestly, the number of ailments she has amazes me.

so yeah, reached his house and lounged around on the bed while waiting for the pizza to come.

and just when things were starting to get a little hot, the pizza delivery guy rang the doorbell.

damn.

We dragged the entire box (after leaving some for Is and Ari in the kitchen) up to his room.

and by a sudden goddknowswhathithim stroke of inspiration, he decided we should watch the notebook(yes the notebook. yes. i know. the notebook.) while devouring the pizza which as usual is half hawaiian and half BBQ Chicken

so naturally, he pulled a slice of hawaiian and started picking out all the pineapples and mutely handing it to me when he's done and waiting patiently while i pick out all the capsicums for him from the BBQ Chicken side.

lolz...its a kinda habit we developed after sharing so many pizzas.

so there we were cuddled under the covers with the air-con on full blast and watching notebook(of all things)

since i was pretty tired, i fell asleep 10 mins into the movie.

(I must say that it's quite comfy. :) )

and i woke up to him cursing at Noah and Allie abt how they didnt have enough make up sex. (WTF?? They were at it the whole night bie you horny dude!)

and he teared quite a bit too nearing the end of the movie and there i was laughing my head off at him.

tsk. sometimes, i can't help wondering who is the man exactly.

Bie, u just make me fall in love with you more each day. :)

aniwei, enough about that.

do you know that i can't remember what you look like sometimes?

especially when I'm reflecting.

there's a saying that the stronger you feel about someone, the harder it is to picture their face when you are away from them.

and it's true. i reali can't seem to form the contours of your face when i try to.

i can't seem to capture how your hair frames your face and that twinkle in your hazel eyes.

I can't remember you also. I can't seem to get the way you have that same twinkle in your eye in my mind. The way you smile in that half-grin of yours.

maybe, i'm not supposed to be able to remember how you look.

hmm.

I was looking into the mirror (no shaf, i was not exclaiming at how gorgeous i am) when i realised that i had the look of someone who is waiting.

i'm still waiting for you to come back even though i know you're never going to.

i'm still holding out for something that isn't going to happen.

release me. let me go.

so i don't have to wait anymore.

Remember the pain and stay with it

Have you ever wondered why relationships just fall apart?

I mean you could have something really special with someone. Something only both of you share.

The depth of which noone else will understand.

And i suppose that's when your relationship points are a 100%, rather like in Sims.

But then again, what went wrong?

The solution is simple really.

More often than not, we all forget this common enemy we all have - Time.

There's this saying by Stephen King: "Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again."

So my point is: "Time takes it all whether we want it to or not."

Because of time, even the closest of relationships fall apart and disintegrate and thus "in the end there is only darkness"

And why is this so?

we humans, fail to realise that it matters not how much time you spend together. Friendship and especially love, is not defined in that way.

Just because you stay together with someone, doesn't mean that your relationship with said person is going well.

What is more important is the substance. What is the point of being in constant company with each other but substance, the most important ingredient of any relationship is reduced to taking about guys and their various distinctive antomies?

My point is, take the time to tell each other about ordinary things for even ordinary things can turn extraordinary.

And if you keep on searching for things to talk about, as in wonder what to talk about, you will never find it.

Don't search for it. Let it come naturally.

If you force something to occur, it is not sincere.

That unfortunately is a lesson we all have to learn.

So to all those whose relationships are rocky or fading away, take steps to get it back.

Before it fades away and is gone forever.

regretting then is pointless.

So before it slips through your fingers, snatch it safely and hold on.

Just imagine that person whose realtionship you have with supposedly dies tomorrow.

What would you feel?

Do you feel that pain?

that horrible pain that claws at your insides and tears you up inside.

now, stay with the pain.

someone once told me that pain is good if you learn to use it to your own advantage.

Why let something control you?

Are we staying with the pain?

good.

imagine the regret you feel. if only you had taken steps to ensure that your relationship never slipped away.

but then it'll be too late right?

so my point is, if you ever doubt a relationship or most importantly a friendship, remember that pain and stay with it.

It'll help you remember what you will stand to lose cos fact is, in life,nothing lasts forever and you never know when it may be taken away from you.

wow. i sound so deep.

hmm, i hope i've made things for those in question.

trust me, you do NOT want to learn it the hard way like me.

toodles loves.

and a shoutout to one special person : Muhammad Baihaqi Ilham Bin Muhammad Wan Hakim.

Bie, i love you.

good night stars.

Never say goodbye

God. I am so dead tired.

Got home an hour or so ago.

watched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna with shaf just now.

i know, i know, comin from me, that's just bizarre seeing as how i dislike watching tear-jerking and over-emotional hindi movies.

BUT

i must say that it was a nice experience.

i had quite an enjoyable time.

the movie was a delicate balance of the humourous and the tragic.

needless to say, by the end of the movie, an entire packet of tissues was gone and both of us looked like we just broke up with our boyfriends (touchwood) with me looking worse and that was 'cos i was crying non-stop through half of the movie.

honestly, i surprised even myself.

i never realised that i actually had that many tears to spill.

my stance on hindi movies now?

well, they're not so bad really. other than the disturbing fact that all the plots are typicallly similar and very predictable, it provides good entertainment nonetheless.

well,it looks as though i'll be adding Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna to my (surprisingly growing) list of movies that make me cry like someone just died.

Movies that make my list?

The all ever classic Titanic. I mean seriously who doesn't cry?

And i will never forget A Walk To Remember. (god that was lame)

And the one movie that really made me cry, using up a whole box of tissues,was The Notebook.

(my mum thought i had gone mad)

Anyway, to you:

I have an idea!

and don't worry, it's a brilliant one. :)

whipped potato.

*licks lips*

we should try one day aightz?

So to all the people out there, never say goodbye.

Night.

Chasing cars just to waste time

Goodness. People around me are breaking down left right and centre

I think it's the exams.

Had a long talk with one of them just now (i'm not going to mention who so she won't get embarassed)

and the things she told me about what they did to her made me cry.

actually, wat she told me made me cry.

leave. leaving. left.

And i just kinda realised that i'm pretty good at reading people.

the benefits of being a pure lit student?

it's come in very handy.

i'd rather like to think i'm an empath?

i mean not to boast or anything but sometimes it amazes even me when random strangers that i hardly talk to come up to me and pour their heart out.

now don't get me wrong, i really don't mind. i love listening and my own experiences with the counsellor has thought me how to read in between the lines and think positively and be glass half-full.

and now,that's truly important in life.

maybe counselling isn't such a bad path to choose after all.

hmm.

am talking to my darling shasha now.

she's feeding me a lot of insights to being an 18 year old. wait. or is it 19?

god, some friend i am not even knowing her age

and damn she said i should have sent in that story i wrote.

about it.

she insists that i would have made it quite far.

oh well, i might just try sending it in just for the sake of it.

no harm right?

hey. guess what.

I'm thinking of you.

love.

Goodnight world. and always remember there's always a star in you.

It's just like any other day

Once again, i'm sitting in the same old chair in the good old library and typing this.

I know i haven't updated in a long time so here i go.

So much has been happening what with the national day hols. and all that

but then it's all cool. :)

oh, shaf's asking me right now why i look so serious like almost constipated.

hmm, maybe cos i'm missing you.

you with that charming smile and the way you look at me like you never EVER want to blink.

maybe, we shall meet up sometime this week?

was gonna ask you over yesterday but the elders were home so since i value my head as well as your gorgeous one, i decided to not take the risk.

sigh.

-where are you when i'm high?-

krap. we're supposed to be studying our butts off.

lit test tomorrow on the stupid english teacher.

honestly, it is the most boring and depressing book i have ever had the misfortune to have read.

i swear i am going to burn it to hell once O's is over. and good riddance.

oh yeah, i realised that i'm good at lecturing people.

shaf got a full 10 mins just now.

i love lecturing. in a sick sadistic kinda way.

maybe i should be a lecturer?

hmm.

interesting thought.

oh yes. before it slips my mind,

chocolate sauce is the most sinful thing ever.

.grins.

goodbye love.

Band aid covers the bullet hole

Life is simple. It's us who make it complicated.

Just like how i was scared to talk to you and make the first move because i thought you hated me.

and somehow, you thought the same thing too.

silly huh?

and that was why it dragged on so long, battering and sapping all the energy out from both you and me.

"You're not the only one battered in this."

it felt good being with you.

like nothing ever happened.

nothing to signal that forever was only up until the point i walked away.

As i'm typing this, i'm smiling.

it felt good to hear someone especially you calling me fee again.

you know, i can't remember the last time we hugged.

cos the fact is, you never bother to remember the last time because you always take it for granted that there's gonna be other times.

but we all fail to realise that in life, nothing last forever and you can never ever take anything for granted. because you may never know when it's gonna be taken away from you.

Its the little things i guess that acts as a band aid and cover the bullet hole.

both for you and me.

Looking out the window

As I'm sitting here typing this, my muscles are aching like mad.

the effects of napha. thank god it's almost over.

i only have to retake 2.4 and standing broad jump.

today was a very dreary day.

skipped school again but not on purpose.

something happened that i'd just rather not talk about.

Sent Kiara for her vaccination just now.

it amazes me how pets even have their own hospital and all that.

Kinda cool come to think about it.

The operation room was bitterly cold and goddamn sterile.

it just gives you a very foreboding feeling.

just goes to show that once you see someone dying on an operating table, you'll never ever forget it.

moving on, have you ever gotten that feeling like you're watching the world through someone else's eyes?

its this odd feeling of detachment and oddly mixed with a twinge of pain.

it's like looking out a window but you can't see anything distinct.

i hate getting that feeling.

it always hits when i least expect it. especially when i let my guard down.

especially when i'm thinking of past memories and reflect on all the people i've ever met.

hmm, wonder why.

maybe god is trying to tell me something?

i honestly have no idea.

oh yeah, i got a message from abg wan.

something about mars being the brightest in the sky or something or that sort.

supposedly, at 12.30 am on the 27th of august, mars will be the closest ever to earth that it'll be like the earth having 2 moons.

and supposedly the next time mars ever gets that close is in 2287.

so i guess we'll just see if that happens on the 27th.

A question, if someone from your past that you'd rather forget gets himself landed in the hospital, would you go visit him?

even if you know it'll bring back painful memories and reopen healed wounds?

that's the question i'm currently asking myself about you.

have no idea why in the world your brother called me when he easily could have called a thousand other people.

somehow i can't help marvelling at your stupidity. go and get yourself beaten up again.

it's just so typical of you.

always one to court danger, take risks.

whenever are you going to learn your lesson?

i hope you do.

all i can do for you is just wish you all the best and have a speedy recovery.

if i do visit you which there's a very slim chance i will, don't expect me to kiss you like i used to and heal all your wounds and mop up your blood or something like that.

those days are over.

i've moved on and apparently so have you.

oh yes before i forget, i'm about done with tolerating your nonsense.

aren't you happy now that you've got your dearest best friend back again?

that you two are now the bestest of friends?

i still remember how you used to go on and on and on about her.

it's like never-ending.

day in and out, i and a hell lot of other people had to bear with all the hatred you poured out like a waterfall that will never cease.

but now, wow, you rush to her defence like a mother cat protecting her kittens.

why am i not surprised?

you know like the malay saying "kacang lupakan kulit"

you are really something that same saying can be truly proud of.

so much for all the rubbish you uttered.

oh well, for people like you, i've got absolutely no problem in letting you go.

people like you can be found everywhere. after all, the world is never short of hypocrites.

and unfortunately, you just happen to the the crux of hypocrisy.

it's okay. i know for a fact that none day, you'll get yours.

karma darling.

what goes around comes around.