Denial is painful

Sigh.

ok u know what, i am going to let off all the fucking steam i have kept in to myself for 4 months and 25 days.

geez. mrs yeo is right. i am doing a lot of counting these days.

wat's 4 months and 25 days you ask?

that's how long it's been.

That long? i hear you ask.

yes. it's been that long.

Can you just do me one favour, just answer this one simple question for me.

Why?

why did it take so long?

remember after that day when i walked away, we had a session with mrs yeo, you and you and you and me.

and on the way home, it was as though nothing ever happened.

you sat beside me when the seat next to you was vacated and we talked like normal. Like everyday. You told me about ashik and we laughed and talked.

then we took the bus home and as usual, u gave me my goodbye hug and i watched you cross the road. You turned and waved goodbye with that smile of yours and i headed home.

Then all of a sudden, the next day, it was like this huge gigantic brick wall was erected between us.

You avoided my eyes and i knew then that you all wanted space. distance.

so i granted you that.

It hurt to know that the space included cancelling my name off foolscapes and relabeling me as loser instead. and even one of you wishing me dead when i didn't come to school one day. or that you made out that you only had one best friend.

where did you go?

you were supposed to be my best friend.

i was a wreck okay.

a real wreck.

even my mum was shocked that i got affected so badly.

even goddamn teachers started being nicer to me, patting my shoulder, telling me it's all gonna be okay because i have my friends around me.

but i had noone.

for the first time since 3 years and 4 months and 2 days, (counting again. haha.) i had to grapple my way through life like a blind man.

i had to find footholds when nothing was there for me to foothold on.

But somehow, i survived even with all the hurt and pain and with seeing you all having the time of your lives. together.

you asked me why i didn't make the first move.

because i was scared. i was terrified that you would reject me and push me way. But still, i tried. i tried but then i stopped trying when you said that nothing i say has any effect on you anymore.

besides, there were six of you.

last time i heard, six is definately bigger than one.

you had each other for support. maybe that's why you didn't feel what i felt.

I wondered why you see.

you said you're glad we're not best friends anymore because life seems easier. and then you thanked me for the ride.

its like you already reached a decision to just let it go.

and i felt so stupid cos it seems like i'm the only one that's still fighting to somehow salvage whatever pieces that's left.

why did you give up so easily. whatever happened to "i promise i'll stick with you through thick and thin." ? i just can't help wondering.

You asked me why i keep bringing up the pain i feel everytime when i'm not the only one who was battered in this whole thing.

truth is, i want an answer. i want to know why.

make me understand why.

not why you left.

why it took so long for you to even look at me let alone talk.

enlighten me.

grant me understanding.

make me understand why then maybe, just maybe, i can fully let you go and accept that the ride is truly over.