It's not always black and white

omg i read my blog je, i saw someone's tag.
=)
afiqah, you too, chin up k.
know that me and fadh will always be there for you..


got that off bani's blog.. haha. so sweet. made me smile. thanks babe. :)

I'm not really in the mood to blog these past few days.

Too many things running through my mind.

Besides, I don't quite know how to express how I feel so yeah.

Still, I need to let it out somehow I suppose and not make myself go crazy keeping it in.

I know there's a whole support system/network out there for me but I hate bothering people.

Although I've made a deal with most of them that if it gets too much, I'll send out an sos.

:)

I took another day off from school on thursday.

Needed the rest and the solitude to clear my mind.

Ironically though, I realise its times when I'm not in school that the same crushing feeling invades again.

And its harder for me to fight it off when its just me, myself and I.

When I'm in school, around the people that shape my life now, I forget.

I'm walking on very thin ice now.

And I hope it can still stand my weight cos I don't want to fall through anymore.

Right now, I'm just simply hoping that my overdue breakdown will come soon.

It's funny really cos I'm half-hoping my mum or someone else would antagonise me and be the catalyst for a breakdown to happen just so that I can get rid of all this pent up energy, emotions and just plain shit cooped up inside me.

It's been a while.

Yet, my heart still stops in between the minute seconds it takes for the web browser to load and your profile to fill the screen before me.

And when I skim through your profile or the bulletins you post and you say something that just hits the spot, I find that I can't breathe.

I'm torn between my own ego and pride and what I stand for and the simple fact that I miss you like shit.

I just hope really really hard and wish with all my heart that wherever you are and whatever you're thinking, you know that.

Don't you dare let me give up on you

This past week and a half has been trying for me.

In the emotional sense.

It's been pretty rocky.

But for everytime I think of you, there's always someone who can make me smile again.

Being around my friends here in IJC has lessen the blow a lot; helping me to forget the pain that sometimes invades and encroaches without warning.

Life was great before knowing all of them, but now life is even better.

They've helped me through thick and thin, given me space when I needed a time out, listened without judgement and with so much patience, showed me how to laugh when I needed to destress and made me smile when a smile seemed impossible.

They've saved me from complete self-destruction, injected strength into my veins when I was weak and lifted me up when I hit the ground.

When I fall, they're there to catch me, placing me back on solid ground safely.

That's why I know, they're all sisters, for me.

Sygku(s), I can't express enough thanks to all of you for being there for me this past week and half.

Shafiqah, the twin sister I never had

Afiqah, my one and only namesake

Nadiah, the colour to my world

Liyana, my pillar of strength

Nazurah, my confidante who understands

Khairin, a real friend like no other

Namira, my spastically inclined deep thinker

Ying Ling, my in-built life support babe

Vanitha, my non-violent gangster

Thank you.

Not forgetting also;

Albaniah Zakila, my crayon and loudspeaker, thank you for being there that monday.

and

Fadhilah Adlina, my SOS and cintaku, thank you for being there always.

Conflicted is a good word to describe it

Qhye-Rule Khan...says:
u if i want u back...is it possible?
neurasthenia says:
are you just saying that cos you feel bad?
Qhye-Rule Khan... says:
no...coz i love u...seriously
neurasthenia says:
how am i suppose to know that you're not going to back out next week or whenever?
Qhye-Rule Khan...says:
coz i wont turn my back on u anymore
neurasthenia says:
dont promise me anything else anymore
neurasthenia says:
prove to me.
Qhye-Rule Khan...says:
How?
neurasthenia says:
prove to me that I can trust you and that you trust me and you won’t turn your back on me
neurasthenia says:
only when you prove to me than i'll give you my answer
Qhye-Rule Khan...says:
ok...ill do my best
Qhye-Rule Khan...says:
thankz...

In this land of make believe

I'm in the Aristotle Room in the library.

Was supposed to have a PW meeting but it didn't really go anywhere.

Now all my group members are studying for their chem test later.

I'm probably gonna go off when they start at 5.45 so I can get home and sleep for a while before waking up to study later at night.

Dilah came over yesterday night at around 11.30 to just chill with me.

Thank you cinta for taking time to come over.

I've been wanting to blog about it since monday but I found myself at a loss for words.

Its not something that can be easily expressed.

I have no idea how to say what I'm feeling right now.

There's just so many things I want to say to you.

But I have no idea how to.

It's been 3 days since Monday and I still feel so numb.

Monday night was the only night I really broke down and cried for him.

After that I just made myself go numb so I won't feel the crushing hurt, the pain that seems to infiltrate my lungs every time I take a breath, diffusing into my red blood cells and entering into the chambers of my heart, now a castrated organ.

I wish I could tell you how empty I feel.

But I somehow have a feeling that my words will fall on deaf ears.

That it'd be a waste of my breath.

Whatever you said on Monday shocked me, sending me reeling back.

I guess I sort of expected your answer but I still haven't accepted it yet.

The only thing that really disappointed me is the fact that you promised me the world but they turned out to be empty words, swallowed by the air.

I remember telling you, don't promise me anything because you might break them.

I remember telling you to not say you love me until you mean it.

You said you'll never let me go and that you'll always love me forever.

But you forgot that forever is only as long as you want it to be.

And your forever lasted up till monday.

You're the one that opened up my heart again, thawed me slowly.

And then, just as easily, with the same ease, you closed my heart again, locked it shut and threw away the key.

The crowning evil is love itself

I skipped school yesterday.

Not because I wanted to.

I just couldn't find the strength to get up.

Went to the clinic and then off to study at tampines library.

I studied a bit before realising I needed a more stronger distraction.

So I decided to head over to CS and watch Harry Potter.

alone.

I don't generally watch movies alone but I just felt like it so I just did.

It did distract me somewhat, depends on your definition of distraction.

Somehow I felt totally detached while watching the movie.

surreal. yes.that's the word.

After the movie I met Dilah for a quick while.

Avoided talking about it.

I suppose she was waiting for me to bring it up.

Were you?

The doctor says I lack sleep.

How am I supposed to sleep when you keep on invading my thoughts?

Filling my mind with question after question until it becomes this undecipherable mess.

I can't separate the fine threads that wind around me, choking me.

It's so easy for me to find the answers I need to give me sound proof.

But I don't want to do that.

At least not yet.

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I want to do that so much.

So for now, I'll just leave my heart in cold ice.

Let's take the train to anywhere

School's barely even started and I feel the pressure mounting,

wrapping itself around me and squeezing until my ribcage cracks open and my heart lay exposed for anyone armed with the right weapon to take a shot.

I feel so exhausted, burned out, even though I did nothing much except go to school.

My muscles are all starting to tense up again, just when I was begining to get used to the ease.

It's so hard to separate this feeling from taking a hold of me.

Especially at times when I'm fucking tired and extremely vulnerable because my guard is down.

Sometimes I ask myself, for how long more must I keep my guard up, that layer of solid concrete around my heart.

Just to protect myself from all the demons that have been haunting me my whole life.

I wish I knew a miracle cure to eradicate all the demons so they will never pose a threat to me again.

Some people say it's all in the mind, that there's nothing there except what you perceive to be there.

Yeah it is all in the mind, but its so much easier to verbalise than to execute.

The mind is a strange and powerful thing and my mind, sometimes, is more powerful than most in terms of the depth and scope at which it can conduct itself.

It's all in your head, you say.

But how do you sift fact from fiction?

how do you distinguish that blurred line between reality and imagination?

If only it was that easy.

I had a moment of total vulnerability an hour or so ago.

I felt this overwhelming sense of helplessness.

As much as I try to push the feeling aside, I couldn't and it turned into a lethal combination, mixed with pain and the feeling of wanting to just fuck it all and give up.

Kinda like a cocktail but well, not really.

I actually searched up on when exactly the 2nd intake for poly ends.

All in a moment of irrationality.

I found myself thinking of the alternatives available to me, the different paths that I could have taken and still have the option to take.

Yes. I know it's totally crazy cos I'll never leave IJC as much as I cannot tahan the stress and pressure.

But in times where I just feel like shit, I can't help it.

How bliss it would be if we could just take the train to anywhere.

*

"I think I'd die without you."

"I think I'd die without you too..."

"..."

"So you cannot withdraw kay.."

"I won't."

In Lit class

My last post was pretty melancholic and sad so I shall post about some of the lighter stuff that happened this week.

Vani wrote a great post to describe one of the incidents that happened in school.

(before ain withdraw that is)

So I'm gonna quote her blog.

[During Lit class on wednesday]

Ms Nathan : Well, There are a lot of sexual references in this book. I’ve been accused of talking a lot about sex. But I’m really a very shy person in nature.
Haha, Biggest joke of the day
So she started off the sex topic of the day. Well, like everyday routine, we head to the gal’s toilet after lit.
Man, what can I say, it was anything and everything abt sex. All the books of different genres came out, Lasse’s favorite was ROMEO, which she recommended as the best sex book ever. On my part I recommended James patterson’ books to them. Well, Its not a sex book kay. Its just good homicide stories with a touch of sexual references. Fi loves the fanfictions about gays. Nami and Fiqah, well their actions speak louder than words. Or maybe sounds in particular. Hahah. they’re bloody horny larh! Its just so entertaining to watch them all in action. It didn’t really help that we went to OCS with all the muscle guys arnd. Girls will be always girls!
Okay, now stop where u are, its pure harmless fun okay. All these girls are so cheeky and sassy. That’s the most appealing thing abt them. Fi was telling me abt life in tkgs. Her experiences seem so delightful. Now since I’m in a class with 17 gals, maybe I can get a pinch of her experiences?All these girls have such inimitable personalities but can get along so perfectly! They’re such wonderful ppl, I’m so glad to have met them.

In my defence, it was all Ms. N fault.

I remember vani was shaking her head at everyone.

haha.

such a poor thing.

And I still remember Ying Ling's reaction the first ever time Ms N mentioned sexual connotations.

Naturally me and shaf got it since we've been brought up with a pure lit background and was from an all girls scool.

haha.

I love lit lessons. such pure love.

neurasthenia says: eh, you also better not withdraw ah.

vanitha says: don't worry la..I won't.. I will take a million summer tests to meet people like you guys.

*

I hate the number 18. 18 does not go with 0734A. I love 19. It should always be 19.

The birth and death of the day

Today is another perfect example of a paradigm shift.

I'm starting to get used to all the paradigm shifts.

Seems like they're a part of JC life.

Still, that doesn't mean it hurts any lesser.

My day started out pretty well.

I was hyper due to my consumption of coffee early in the morning.

The day went without much event, with all of us being extra loud and bubbly and talkative and all, even without 5 of our classmates.

As usual, on thursdays, my group has PW meetings.

So we booked a discussion room and got started.

Until unexpectedly, ain popped into the room, asking if we know where Ms Charles is.

Seeing as how nad had her number, ain msged Ms Charles with nad's phone.

We pretty much didn't pay attention to ain's conversation until she said;

"I'll be studying somewhere else."

Still, we denied any insinuations Li brought up after ain left and tried not to admit that we were all shaken.

Until nad checked her sent box.

Even then, all 5 of us still continued to deny the fact that ain was withdrawing from IJC at that very moment.

Thinking she just meant she'd be withdrawing at the end of the year like she said she would but she just needed Ms Charles to sign her withdrawal form now.

So we continued with our PW.

Then ain popped in again.

and said; "I have something to inform you guys."

I swear my heart just stopped beating for that few seconds before she confirmed that she really had withdrawn.

Obviously all of us were stunned and we asked her where she was going (New York) and all that.

We hugged her goodbye and she left.

It just hit me that I will never see ain again.

Her withdrawal takes effect from tomorrow onwards and today was her last day in school.

She just walked out of my life.

I'm not close to her, none of us were because she hangs out with the soccer girls.

But I still feel the loss.

And its even more painful because she withdraw as she couldn't take the stress of the education system.

Still, I'm thankful that she at least said goodbye to the 5 of us even though she had a choice to just walk away.

I don't blame her for not informing the class.

If I was ever in her position,

I'd do the same thing.

Just walk away because if I say goodbye, I won't have the heart to leave all the wonderful friends I've made.

Ain wasn't as close to me and I still feel the loss quite badly, I can't imagine what will happen if anyone of the people I'm close with leaves.

And to think that mere hours before I found out about ain's withdrawal, I was perfectly content and in control.

Ain, I'll miss you. wishing you all the best. take care.

And I’m going to hold on to what little I have

It's only 9.41 but I'm damn tired and sleepy.

School was alright for the most part.

Got my horrendous GP essay back.

Somehow I passed it, with an E.

Like Ms Charles says : "24 is nothing to be proud of."

And I'm not.

In actual fact, I'm apalled at how bad my essay is.

I'm also apalled at the fact that I was complacent enough to think that reading the supplement packages and not paying attention to the newspaper clippings would be enough to give me good content to write a satisfactory essay.

I know Poly July intake is now open and I'm damn tempted to just get a withdrawal form and running over to a poly and taking mass comm.

A levels scare the shit out of me.

Not the actual exam but the consequences that the exam brings.

It's either university or nothing.

But, the one thing that I can't bear to give up is Literature.

Cos I know if I ever decide to go to poly,

I will have to sacrifice studying Literature.

And I will have to sacrifice the wonderful people I've met, my fellow 0734A babes.

I've grown more attached to them than to the tkgians.

Cos we've been through shit and are going to go through shit.

If literature and the people are the only reasons that keep me rooted to IJC than so be it.

I'm going to hold on to what little I have that keeps me going and

I'll still try my damn best to pass promos and get promoted.

It's been two days that you've been silent.

In normal circumstances, I won't worry.

But whatever we talked about last Saturday...

I think it struck a nerve even though you denied that it did.

I have no way to reach out to you, given the circumstances we're in.

I missed you (still do actually) like fuck all through the trip at OCS cos fiqa was msging amy and nami was msging nasz and shaf was msging B.

And I msged you but there was silence.

I hope you're alright.

Whatever little I have, I'll hold on to it.

I keep telling dilah to "have faith".

And now, I'm telling myself to have faith too.

And if that still doesn't work, I'll just keep convincing myself that you're damn busy.

But as silver linings go, that's more like pewter

Since today was a holiday, I went out again.

Went to meet nad and li and PS where we went to the haagen dasz headquarters so that nad could return her uniform.

Then we walked to far east so they could eat before heading over to gelatissimo for ice cream.

Then I hurried off to pasir ris to meet dilah and bani.

As usual, when those 2 are present, loser moments are ubiquitous.

korg dua slenger sak.

tsk

Gahh.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm so not in the mood.

Plus tomorrow's my longest day.

Hopefully there's no debate so I can go home with everyone else at 5 instead of at 9.

And I'm hoping that I can meet you tomorrow.

It's been two weeks and I'm missing you damn badly, it's really not funny.

I'm schooling in woodlands which you have to pass every day to go home.

But as silver linings go, that's more like pewter.

Yesterday and today was a time for cracks.

Seriously.

Trust breeds mutual understanding, the kind of understanding that needs no words to be expressed with.

The kind that has silence as its core.

It's one of the beauty of friendships; of which you share many different kinds with different people.

But the friendship I share with you means a lot to me.

Simply because there is so much I never say but which you just somehow know.

There are things that I can never tell anybody but you still know anyway.

And that's seriously cool shit.

Cos with you, I never have to put up as many walls.

And that is like seriously great cos I don't have to use as much concrete.

I treasure the fact that you play along with me whenever you need to

just so that I can feel better, when in actual fact we both get the big picture.

I may not say it often but really,

makasih cintaku.

I just realised this is so like mushy emo jiwang shit.

whatever.

Here's to more years months days hours minutes seconds.

:)

To cross out what I’ve done, I set alight what you said

I'm in damn good mood today.

I shopped like fuck.

And the metro clearance sale was such a godsend.

:)

So this is a list of what I bought:

Wrap top from Isetan at 19.90

2 long sleeve tops for 10

2 pierre cardin bras from metro for 10 (like omg!)

1 leather cuff from Xcraft for 3.90

1 more bra from metro at 5.90

So basically in total, I spent roughly 50 bucks on shopping alone.

And another 20 on food at sakura and bani's birthday money.

I was pretty ready to go home after dinner at sakura but bani insisted I "teman her go shopping" at metro.

so I did and then we walked around TM and she bought a top.

And then we went back to CS so she could shop some more.

She like spent so much sia.

Jealous aku.

haha.

And she bought couple rings for her and wan.

And given her budget, the saleslady did the engraving for free.

which was totally sweet of her.

:)

*

He says: tk carik guy?

She says:tk.kalau ader ader ah. and even if I do find one, it sure as hell won't be a guy like you.

sial. dgn penuh confident sia aku.

and look where I am now.

hmm.