Let's take the train to anywhere

School's barely even started and I feel the pressure mounting,

wrapping itself around me and squeezing until my ribcage cracks open and my heart lay exposed for anyone armed with the right weapon to take a shot.

I feel so exhausted, burned out, even though I did nothing much except go to school.

My muscles are all starting to tense up again, just when I was begining to get used to the ease.

It's so hard to separate this feeling from taking a hold of me.

Especially at times when I'm fucking tired and extremely vulnerable because my guard is down.

Sometimes I ask myself, for how long more must I keep my guard up, that layer of solid concrete around my heart.

Just to protect myself from all the demons that have been haunting me my whole life.

I wish I knew a miracle cure to eradicate all the demons so they will never pose a threat to me again.

Some people say it's all in the mind, that there's nothing there except what you perceive to be there.

Yeah it is all in the mind, but its so much easier to verbalise than to execute.

The mind is a strange and powerful thing and my mind, sometimes, is more powerful than most in terms of the depth and scope at which it can conduct itself.

It's all in your head, you say.

But how do you sift fact from fiction?

how do you distinguish that blurred line between reality and imagination?

If only it was that easy.

I had a moment of total vulnerability an hour or so ago.

I felt this overwhelming sense of helplessness.

As much as I try to push the feeling aside, I couldn't and it turned into a lethal combination, mixed with pain and the feeling of wanting to just fuck it all and give up.

Kinda like a cocktail but well, not really.

I actually searched up on when exactly the 2nd intake for poly ends.

All in a moment of irrationality.

I found myself thinking of the alternatives available to me, the different paths that I could have taken and still have the option to take.

Yes. I know it's totally crazy cos I'll never leave IJC as much as I cannot tahan the stress and pressure.

But in times where I just feel like shit, I can't help it.

How bliss it would be if we could just take the train to anywhere.

*

"I think I'd die without you."

"I think I'd die without you too..."

"..."

"So you cannot withdraw kay.."

"I won't."