I'll let you paint over the cracks

Weekends are finally here.
The past week seemed really long somehow.


Thursday in particular was just surreal.
And it's one of those times, like how dilah graciously pointed out, that I'll never forget, probably for the rest of my life.
It's not everyday, more accurately, not ever, that I let myself cry in front of a group of people.
Not because I can't feel. I do.
But because I hate people seeing me when I'm vulnerable.
Certain friends don't count cos they're not just people. They're friends that keep me going.
I don't think anyone other than myself understood fully why exactly I cried so damn hard that thursday in P2-3.
When the brunt of the rage and anger and insults wasn't directed at me at all.
I think only I know why.
I'm still reeling over the fact that I actually let myself crack so badly.
By the time I was curled up on dilah's bed that evening, I was at that stage where the tears just won't fall anymore cos I was just so tired and so drained, and I was disengaged and just staring blankly at the patterns on her bed sheet.
I don't regret standing up for what I felt was right.
I think if my life was a novel, and someone characterised me, they'll come to realise that I'm someone that places friendship very highly on my list.
And I can't stand it when I have to see my friends get hurt, especially more so if whatever is hurting them is uncalled for or grossly unjustified.
I'll just snap because people can hurt me, but when my loved ones get hurt, I'd do anything -fight tooth and nail- to vanquish all the monster from under their beds.
I guess that's because it's so much easier to save them, and stand up for them and protect them because I can't protect my own self from the monsters under my bed and from the demons in my closet.
Anyway, I've put thursday behind me but if anything like what happened that day happens again(which I bet it will), I'd do the same thing I did anyway.


Well, now that that is out of the way, Friday was road run day. :)
It started off really blah.
And during the taurus house meeting, taurus was like a dead bull, without wings.
seriously.
Then the rain started half way through, causing the staff race to be cancelled and the event to be cut seriously short.
We did the house cheer competition and taurus kicked ass!! :)
as always of course. heh.
They decided to announce the results on monday though. bugger.
Regardless, I had a nice dinner with my loves. :)
Even though we got caught in the rain half way when walking to KFC.
haha.
And I realised it was the little things that really made me smile that day.
Like how jia automatically stuck two straws in my drink when we got food,
and how ying cheerfully told me she loves me too even though I was bickering with her and had just called her a moron. (she still is a moron for the record.)
:)


I've concluded that I'll let them paint over all the cracks.
I'll let nad and khai dry my tears, and hold my hand when I break.
I'll let Jia give me a hug to cheer me up and I've decided to just let her nag when she's exasperated at the rest of us cos it makes me smile.
I'll let ying tell me it's all going to be okay and we'll get through it all together cos that's what we do.
I'll let li tease me and laugh at me cos it amuses her and it amuses me to see her amused and I love to see her smile cos it makes me happy.
I'll let the rest make me smile and laugh and just make my day.
And I'll let dilah break down all my walls because she can and because I trust her.


Damn, I love you all.
Really. :)
and thanks a lot for yesterday, for today, and for tomorrow, until the end of forever.




Random thing to think about.
"If love is blind, then how can there be love at first sight?"
haha.
True.
But I don't believe in love at first sight.
Fairytales yes. Aliens too (cos aiden lee donghae believes in aliens) .
But love at first sight?
That's just superficial.

I'm too exhausted to think of one.

It's only 12.15.
Pretty early by my standards but I'm already getting severely incoherent and very very zombie-ish.
I think its the effects of sleeping at 2 or 3 for the past 2 days and the workout I had just now.
Tiring shit. haha.


Today really passed by in this blur.
And its the day where I've decided will be the major turning point in my life from now on.
Life here having the meaning of my journey until A's.
I've already booked weekly consultation slots with all my teachers, with the exception of cikgu cos I haven't gotten around to doing that yet.
Maybe friday.
Anyway, I really doubt that I can fit in a slot to meet cikgu.
My weekdays are all packed either with normal school timetable or extra consultations.
Here's a look at my timetable:
Monday: Because of MLEP, I end at 5.40. and because there is no other possible slots, my GP consultation with mr yip is during all the breaks, being, 9.10 and 3.10.
Tuesday: It's the only day I end early actually but unfortunately, maths consultation starts at 2.10-3.10 and straight after that is history consultation until 4.10.
Wednesday: Lit consultation with Mdm C at 2.30-3.30. Then rush off for debate.
Thursday: sucks. seriously. extremely long day and its the day that I always starve because our lunch slot is taken up for lit tutorial. seriously.
Friday: I end early again but there's extra maths lesson at 2.


I really hope I can handle all the workload coming in with the consultations.
Since each subject consultation requires me to prepare something before hand, its going to be essay after essay.
Which amounts to 4 essays (or comprehension in GP's case) per week.
Not counting maths stuff.
And not counting normal homework and assignments.
I'm thinking that I should leave all the consultation work to saturday.
then study/revise on weekdays.
And do homework of course.
And oh ya, since I'm joining that competition quiz on bahasa and sastera, I have to hafal 230++ pages of gurindam and pepatah pepatih.
No shit.
I memorised 3 already. waaaayy lots more to go.
I think I'll just do the memorising in the mornings before school and on the bus.


Hmm.
Does it sound workable?
Or am I sounding like a crazy overambitious person?


I'm worried that I will crack from the stress and pressure somewhere along the term.
I think I'll ask Kak Ann to help me structure something up.
Sue's timetable can't work as well anymore with all the extra work.heh.


Crap. Tomorrow is thursday.
The new monday.
I hate thursdays. double lit at one shot is so not healthy.
sigh.




I need more hours in a day.
Someone, donate me some and I'll love you forever.
:)

Another day in the paper chase

Nothing much of significance happened today.
Other than getting back the GP paper.
I did okay.
Okay being that I managed to pass the paper but still failed to get more than 25.


On another note, I feel extremely accomplished on a personal level
because I managed to write 3 sajaks in the course of the whole day. :)
It's been a long time since I last wrote and it felt good.


I have no idea what to ramble on about now.
Today's just another typical day in this whole paper chase.
Besides, GP mindmapping is calling my name.


Night loves.


Smile always cos you may never know you might fall in love with your smile.
:)

Let's dream up another sunset

And so today is the first day back at school after the block tests and the long good friday weekend.
I went to school reluctantly.
Was kinda getting used to slacking at home, watching videos on youtube and reading fanfics.
And I had a strange feeling that the day wasn't going to go all that smoothly.
And in a way I was right.


Started off the day with maths in the morning and heard from mdm C that I improved, through a technical default of course since my results last year was close to zero anyway.
She singled me and a few others out for extra weekly consultations and I'm so thankful that I get the chance to do that. :)
God knows I really need it.


History was surprisingly fun given the fact that we didn't do anything at all.
Mr M spent the time telling us about the coursework for the term and other rubbish like that.
He was supposed to do admin work but we ended up talking and talking and talking.
Random crap mostly, like what lit papers he took for A levels (he was a straight A lit student by the way) , the books we're doing for lit, what language is spoken by the people from bangladesh(seriously) and other nonsense of that ilk.
I love how we can talk to him about anything and everything and he'll always listen and engage in the conversation with us.
I'm really very very glad that he's so bonded with our class and I love him cos he's my favourite teacher and he makes a dry subject like history tres interesting. :)


Started on the tempest for lit and well, I haven't read the actual play, just the synopsis.
And as much as I love shakespeare, his language can kill me.


Got back our scripts for malay and I did okay.
(I'm not going to talk about the Uni admission mini talk that cikgu gave before starting class. It's too depressing.)
Was a little disappointed with my sastera but I guess that's the price to pay for being too ambitious and including in elements that the question didn't ask for. -_-
anyways, I shall just put it behind me and not brood over it.
And so should everyone else k? :)




right now, I'm trying to modify the timetable Sue did for me to suit me better.
Thinking of staying in school everyday to complete homework than heading home for revision until say 12am?
And then after that I'm giving myself an hour to either do some reading (leisure reading or reading for school) or blog online.
And I'm only going to use Sue's timetable for a rough guide cos I don't think I can stand that kind of rigid structure anyway.
I lack the strict self discipline.
I think I'd stick with weekly plans, as in I plan to finish revising certain topics and such by the end of the week.
Hopefully it works.
I need it to work. please.




On a sidenote, I've been waking up every morning with bits and pieces of poetry or prose in my head.
Like I'll be in that state where I'm only semi-awake and my subconcious will recite lines from a random fanfic or book that I read somewhere.
And sometimes, its snippets from something that I know I've never read but it's like my mind makes it up as it goes along.
And it switches back and forth from english to malay.
It's such a pity cos I had inspiration for lines of sajaks that I can't seem to remember when I'm fully awake.


I think I'm really weird.

If only for a fraction of a second

And finally, finally the block tests are over!
I am so hugely relieved that one major obstacle in this hell-like journey is over.
I can't say for sure that I'll get through the rest of the year unscathed but I'm just content to live for the moment right now.
Don't think I'm making much sense. -_-
I guess that's what happens when you read a whole load of potent SuJu fanfics at one go; you get significantly incoherent.


Lit went much better than I expected given the fact that I only read through the notes and the guidebook and the fact that I spent the whole morning before the paper, rushing to complete an overdue lit essay.
For one, I actually managed to complete the whole paper and still somehow got all my ideas across even though some may be in a rather incoherent and haphazard way.
I'm just really glad that I completed the bloody paper.
It's a miracle that I did actually cos I only had 30 minutes left to write a logical essay for DOM and that is inclusive of the time used to annotate the context question that I chosen to do.
I have no idea how I managed to squeeze in all my ideas and in the limited time limit and still managed to write 3 pages.
Still, the good thing is that I finished the paper. :)
But the bad thing is that, because I wrote so much and so fast, my arm is hurting, especially my wrist area which is really being a huge pain in the ass right now.
Well, at least its not numb like how it was right after the paper. heh.


There's a whole lot more I want to say but my hand is killing me.
(hence giving me a more stronger reason why I should continue reading the fanfics cos they will not put any additional stress on my "injured" wrist. heh.)
I'll probably post again tomorrow.

~
He is so still and quiet that I wonder if he's even breathing. He seems intent on waiting, all the cells in his body dedicated to just patiently waiting. Seconds passed, followed by minutes and then a full hour, and still he doesn't stir. I stare at him, just across the room from me, miles away but feet apart.

Finally I dare myself to speak.

"What are you waiting for?"

It takes him a moment to reply.

"For our hearts to fall in love."

The trick is to keep breathing

Today's not a good day.


It's hard continuing to keep my chin up.
I just want to cave in.
and curl up on the floor.


There's this sickly tightening feeling that's closing in on my ribcage.
and I can't seem to remember how to breathe properly.


I'm suddenly feeling everything all at once.
I hate it when this happens.

And I hate how I can be a super girl for someone else but I can't save myself.


I guess for now, all I can do is just to keep breathing.

You can be my keeper

And just like that, the holidays have suddenly ended.
Maths and History tomorrow.
I know for a fact that I'm going to screw up Maths.
I just don't know to what extent I'm going to screw it up.
Highly likely a very large extent.
As for history, I'm still struggling to complete the last bits of the Indo-Pakistani War.
I hope I can manage to finish it all by 10pm so I can look thorough all my notes.
I'm thinking of pulling an all nighter but sleeping during the maths paper tomorrow isn't an option that mdm C will allow me to do.
So maybe I'll just stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning.
With the aid of coffee of course.
Thank god I get two days off after tomorrow so I can afford to lose some sleep.




I'm somehow getting more and more disillusioned as the days go by.
Maybe it's just a side effect of JC life.


And I'm still debating with myself on whether I should tell my mum about what I found out 2 days ago.
I know I promised not to tell anyone but its not exactly the kind of thing that should be kept hushed.
My mum and the rest of the family is going to know in the end anyway.
And there's this small part inside me that's telling me I can use that to get close to my mum again, even if its for only a few minutes as I'm telling her.
Pathetic I know, but I'll give anything. anything just to get it back with her.
Sometimes, I really wish she didn't take up her new job.
Cos if increasing the family's financial situation means losing that bond with my mum, I'd rather we remain caught up in debt instead.


On another note, I had a very nice night with Dilah yesterday.
She crashed for a few hours and we spent it talking, random things here and there of course.
I love how I can talk with her about anything and everything.
And I love how I can only seem to have really deep conversations with her.
You know, the kinds of conversation that gets you thinking way after it actually happens.


In life, people walk in and out of your life all the time.
It's a fact of life. Cruel, yes. But still a fact nonetheless.
And no matter how much you try to prevent it, you just can't.
Still, the reality is that no matter how many legions of people walk in and out of your life,
only a certain few, maybe just one or two, that really leave their footprints stamped all over your heart.
And these people?
They should be the ones that you fight like hell to keep.


I'm eternally thankful that I've got a chance to know people like that.
Keepers, for as long as God permits me to keep them.

We're running to stand still

"Forgetting is sad. I myself have forgotten many things. Memory is the ability to relieve that instant in your head. Losing a memory means you can't relieve those days again. As if your life itself is slipping from between your fingers."
Ima, Ai ni Yukimasu - Takuji Ichikawa


I'm afraid that one day, I'll lose the ability to remember and relieve that moment.




Jodi Picoult moments, because she'll always be my favourite after Shakespeare.


"I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has it's own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. You don't love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."
My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult


"Love is not and equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where your headed."
Vanishing Acts - Jodi Picoult




Doubt thou that the stars are fire;
Doubt thou that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.
Hamlet - William Shakespeare


You, if you were sensible,
When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,
You would not turn and answer me
"The night is wonderful"
'Under the Oak' - D.H. Lawrence

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                             i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-E.E Cummings

For all the colours of a rainbow

I had one of those rare fulfilling days that I haven't had in quite a while.
Started off relatively early in the morning cos I was supposed to meet nad at 8 for a max out study session.
Luckily for me, she overslept so I managed to catch more sleep before going out in the rain.
We studied a bit and this is the point where I'm showing how severely incompetent I am at the art of numbers, otherwise know as Mathematics.
"nad, what's -(1/2) - 1??" o.0
yeah its that bad.
We went off after 3 hours of me gradually turning into a maths idiot, cos she had bowling.
Just because I had nowhere to go, I accompanied her all the way to Yishun Safra from the airport, and that was where I immersed myself in the political structures of SEA and also in the corrupt court of Malfi, admist all the chaos of falling bowling pins and shouts of triumph.
In a weird way, I found all the noise and chaos strangely comforting.
Got home at around 9 with my brain totally dead, so I went on another rampage online. :)
I think I'm just dooming my laptop to an early death with the rate I'm going.



I'm really glad that syafiq has turned over a new leaf. He's studying 8 hours every single day and that's great. keep it up please. :)


Nazurah Md Musa, you should start doing the above too.
instead of folding paper boats, although it did make me laugh.


I finally realised why we just lost everything all of a sudden.
It's because at some point, I just got tired of breathing for you.


Boy Haqi, I miss you.


cintaaa, I fucking miss you. a bit la. :p


I'd trade everything to go back to 3 months ago.
But for now, let's just enjoy the colours of the rainbow that'll light up the sky as soon as the rain stops.

Let's not let time get in the way

It's going to be another cold night today.

I feel like just snuggling up in bed early and just let my thoughts drift in the dark.

But I'm too lazy to clean the pile of mess on my bed.

Cleaning it would mean cleaning all the other stuff randomly strewn all over my room anyway and I'm too lazy to do that. haha.

I just watched the relay talks super junior did among themselves.

It's a little emotionally draining cos I'm deeply touched by the strong bonds of friendship they all have.

It's one of the things I really love about them, how they care for and love each other unconditionally, how all the older ones take care of the younger ones and vice versa.

They're really amazing la. seriously.

I think after watching them, I've really come to understand friendship better, the true meaning of it.

Life just seems to be getting in the way of everything.

Sometimes I wonder what use is letting yourself be caught up with books?

What's the use of studying hard every single day for just a slip of paper and entrance to an elite world?

Or really, what's the price to pay?

I seem to be paying for it with my life; my social circle and all the moments that would make up the memories that picture my life as it is.

I can't help but think whether it's my fault sometimes.

Whether I don't put in as much effort to maintain the fragile ties of friendship I have with some people.

Is it my fault for just sitting still and watching life sweep them by?

In a way I guess it is.

There are just some friendships that have disintegrated because life got in the way and because it hurts too much for both of us to hold on the something that we know can only be a thing of the past.

I guess I'm too afraid to hold on because I know in the end, I'll have to let go.

sucks that way doesn't it?

Life's gotten the better of existing friendships too.

As much as we want to stay a part of the other's life, we can't and we just get swept away by the tides that makes up our own life.

It's not anybody's fault.

Definately not yours, nor is it mine either.

It's just the way it is.

All I can say is, for now, let's just try our best to not let time get in the way.

I didn't mean to get so close

I love walking home when it's just turning dark cos everytime I look up, I see the stars.

It makes me smile and gives me a cheap mood lift.

Boy, let's go star gazing on the hood of your car again kay?

I wanna believe I can fly away, past the stars to reach the milky way. :)

Lo and behold, its the march holidays.

Time's really flying past this year.

I have no idea where the past months have gone.

Most probably whizzing past when I was blinking.

Before I know it, it'll be october and A level time. -_-

I can't get myself to fully believe that 2 papers have already passed.

Where did my day go?

One minute I was about to sit for GP in the morning and the next minute I'm here in my rooom, typing this.

Well, GP was an okay paper I guess.

I just didn't have time to complete it and thus screwed up my AQ in the process.

Nothing new there. I'm kinda getting used to scoring below 3 for the AQ.

Malay was okay.

The bahasa paper was normal-ish. Another NE lesson on Singapore again. heh.

I didn't focus on Hasnah's character which came out for sastera (thanks to Nad's constant predictions that it will) but I think I still managed to pull off a fairly decent answer.

Just hope I get through both papers okay.

I need to find my reason for this journey again.

Something more to believe in.

I had a dream last night.

That's already weird in itself cos I normally don't get dreams when I sleep.

This time, I had a pretty vivid dream.

And like all my dreams, they featured us back when we meant the world, back before life and time got in the way.

My dream's all muddled though and I can't really make out the whole story line.

All I know is that you're there and it was just like the old times.

Strange how almost every dream I've had since then features you.

Regardless, I don't need a dream expert to tell me that subconciously, I miss you like fuck.

And subconciously, I wonder what it would have been like if things didn't go just the way it is now.

If I ever see you again, I'll give you a tight hug so I can remember what it feels like when you hold me in your arms.

But for right now, I'll just miss you.

To err on the bright side

I'm just going to post a very short one.

Was initially going to post some videos and pictures and such but the internet is being damn shit annoying so just plain blogging will have to do.

Went to study at Woodlands library with nad and sue. :)

I managed to read through every last page of my (binded) sastera notes. :) :)

Only got to go colour code my book and read through the notes/ mindmap them.

I'm just trying to do everything in my power to get through friday first, which means putting off my long overdue lit essays and PC analysis. haha. oops.

And Sue put me in a very good mood on the way back from north land.

(thanks love. hee)

We were spazzing and laughing like crazy losers, in the middle of nowhere, over loser and retarded and hillariously funny Super Junior antics from EHB.

hahahaha.

At these time, I thank god for moments like that.

Moments where I laugh so hard my stomach hurts and I can't catch my breath, with tears in my eyes. :)

I think we all are in need of moments like that.

Just One-liners

I wanted to blog about the past week but I can't remember anything that happened.

Thank you for Super Junior and Lee Donghae cos they made me smile for a while.

Friday will determine whether I'm staying afloat or following after Titanic.

I need my mum to go back to always being at home.

Cos I need her to hold me and tell me it's just another day.

Cos I need her to tell me she'll never give up on me.

Cos I need you to tell me you won't walk out on me anytime soon.

I need you to let me cry on your shoulder again.

I wish I really am supergirl.

I need to go back, so that I can move on.

Cos I'm getting very tired of fighting to be in control.

And I hate how I keep forgetting to forget.

With 60 seconds left

I spent the day lazing around with a book.

Was running a slight fever so I wasn't too inclined to do anything else.

It was nice really.

I forgot how it felt like to just curl up under the covers and indulge in the pages of a good book.

How I wish I can do that more often.

I did 13 weeks worth of vocab exercises after I took some panadol.

I must admit that it gets very addictive after a while.

Other than being something fun for me to do, I'm also preparing for the GP paper on friday.

I was not at all keen to immerse myself in the plethora of words that makes up the Oxford dictionary though.

In other words, I do not want to read it to improve my vocabulary like what Ying suggested.

-_-

It's so surreal that the block tests are finally here to make my life hell.

Right now, I'm just trying to stagger everything so that I can complete studying for them.

Which means I'm procrastinating my lit homework yet again, in a bid to study for GP and complete mind mapping my IH lecture notes for history.

I'm leaving the Lit mindmapping to much later since its my last paper.

And I'm sanguine enough to belive that I can start mindmapping Restu for MLL soon and also mindmap the whole set of SEA lecture notes in time for tuesday's test.

:)

Mugging helps me to keep my mind off a lot of things.

If I try really really hard, I forget.

I guess that's why I'm really hell bent on turning myself into a nerd right now.

Hey, if it offers escapism, why not?

(kind of sad though. escapism through mugging. -_- )

Work again tomorrow.

I hope I'll be well enough to go.

Need the cash, no matter how nominal it may seem.

And I'm probably going to meet boy again tomorrow.

am I meeting you tomorrow?

pick me up after work and teman me study okay?

And dilah can probably wake me up since I think she's sleeping over later.

I miss the times when she slept over every week last year.

Time's taking away many things I'm not ready to let go yet.

I just wondered what I would say to different people if I only had 60 seconds left.

Would I just stay silent and reticent or would I fill up that meager period of time with a whole plethora of words?