It's cold outside

Paris, je t'aime is a sincerely good movie. I enjoyed it immensely. The way the entire thing was put together was subtle yet it speaks volumes. The cinematography, the way Paris was captured both in the day and night, was beautiful. It's a story about joy, about separation, about the unexpected, about strange encounters, about love and heartbreaks but mostly, its about people. It is worth your time to go and see it. I know I am going to go see it again on Staurday and I can't wait. :)

It's really cold right now since it rained pretty much the entire day. I was asked whether I'm happy just now in a totally unexpected yet deep discussion on life. On how to find happiness and fill up the empty void inside yourself and get out of the suspended vortex you are in.

It's so hard to find answers to such a complex issue because no matter how precise an answer someone can give you, it's you who have to find the answer yourself. The answer they give you may not be the answer you are looking for. The search for something more, something that makes you complete is fueled by the very human nature of dissatisfaction. It is in all humans to always want something more. In a way it's greed, one of the seven sins.

To me, prolonged happiness doesn't exist. It's an illusion we create. Like trying to find a safe place in a totally unsafe world. Happiness, the real naked terror of it, is pure. It's simple and subtle. It's happpiness inside. In other words, its being content. Besides, if prolonged happiness exists, there will be no sadness in life but that's bullshit. For what is life without pain and sadness? Life is made such so that we grow from the pain and sadness and learn how to properly appreciate what we have and not take it all for granted.

You can't be content if you don't love yourself. Yes, it's not something that is remotely easy to do. But it is something essential that you must do. How can you say that you love others if you don't even love yourself? We all have to learn how to do that and its one of the most hardest things to learn in life. Most of the times, you need a catalyst, something like a bang to shock you and make you realise that you have to pick yourself up, find your own prozac instead of just overdosing on pain killers.

I got my bang where I had it all taken away from me in a split second. I had to learn the hard way for everything. I had to learn how to love myself and how to pick myself up. I had to find my reason for living. Sure, I had help but mostly, I did it on my own because as much as people are there for you, nothing they say will make a difference unless you want it to make a difference.

Now, I've found so many reasons to live. How can you look around and say that there's nothing to live for, nothing to love yourself for. There's always something. It just depends on whether you open your eyes to see it. Besides, who ever said it was going to be easy?

I'm not even sure whether I'm making any semblance of sense or not. I realise I'm jumping around a lot.There's too many things running around in my head that it's hard to convey it all down.

It's getting colder now and I want to curl up under the blankets and wait and see if anyone calls me.

*

I'm not here, this isn't happening

Two among so many

In this world, there are only two people that I can open up to.

Open up fully without any inhibitions.

It's strange isn't it that out of so many people that I've come to know and love, only two out of so many, really see me for who I am.

Somehow, they find a way to get past all my guards and knock down all my walls and see the real me behind all the concrete layers.

And that's saying something.

Cos I have a hell of a problem trusting people and opening up to them.

It also helps that they're like me.

Private, complex and so much more than what meets the eye.

Deep thinkers, we see things that's not just black and white.

People all see me differently. Those who do not understand write me off before I even start explaining.

One of those two people is someone so unexpected, so random.

A fortuitous chance started something that spun so wildly out of my control and into her steady hands.

I never could have known that a moment where all the planets stopped, where motion stopped, just for a teeny fraction of the day, could unleash something so much more than I can ever imagine.

I wonder how God could have had the heart to keep her a secret until recently when he whispered in my ear, telling me to trust her.

And for once, I actually listened and that was one of the most greatest moves I ever made.

For as I ponder how little I know of her before, I relate to her in ways that probably no one else understands or comprehends.

Sometimes, I try to think of life without her gracious prescence, and I find that I can't fathom anything of the sort.

As much as I would like to be egotistical and say that she's an option, I can't.

Cos she's more of a priority than I think even she realises.

I can give up so many other things and outings with other people.

But my all those times with her, the jaunts that transcends understanding, is something I can't give up.

Not even for all the gold in the world.

The only other person I can open up to doesn't surprise me and isn't as unexpected.

Cos I always knew she was more like me than most other people.

As much as we both are so different in character to the naked eye, we are so alike if only you take the time to scrutinise.

I always find myself telling her things I could never bring myself to tell anyone else.

We lost it for a little bit and we never talk much but when we do, I find myself relaxing and opening up.

Again, I find myself opening up to her even after so many things have happened.

And even after being on different planes for so long.

It is so unconventional yet so essential.

Somehow, I can see in my mind's eye, the things to come.

The future is something no one except God knows the secret to, yet I have a feeling God let me in on the secret.

*

You have no idea how much that means to me.

The things I forgot at birth

*
I'm reading your note over again.
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."
-Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional

It's been said that we only use a mere 10% of our brain's capacity.

That's scary in an amazing way when you think about all the things stored in that 10%.

All the memories as far back as we can remember.

The good, the bad and the ones we really wish we could forget.

All the facts and numbers and figures and equations we learned in school.

All the names and faces of the people that have walked in and out of our lives.

The lyrics from a song we heard when we were seven.

Sometimes, we are so eager, so keen to remember, that we forget.

We forget the little things that makes life so precious.

The things I take for granted;

The smell of the dew on the grass in the morning.

The feel of the sand between my toes at the beach.

The taste of a hot fudge sundae.

The sound of water trickling down a tap.

The way the sunlight creeps into my room every morning.

The feel of the wind as it kisses my face.

The scent of my mum's hair when she hugs me before I leave for school.

The sound of my dad's rumbling laughter.

The twinkle in my sister's eyes when she wins an argument over me.

The tight hugs my grandma gives me everytime she sees me.

The half-smile Farhan throws my way everytime he says something so lame, its unbelievable.

The way Amsyar gurgles when I tell him he's cute.

The smiles, the laughter (be it a shared inside joke or simply laughing at myself) and good times with all my girlfriends

So many things that I take for granted.

The little things.

I swear it's getting harder to remember and I find myself constantly reminding my own self to treasure them.

If only life can be recorded like a movie, then all these little things that seem so insignificant yet mean so much, can be immortalized so we never ever forget.

I can't remember the last time I had chocolate that I swear I've forgotten what it tastes like.

And I can't remember that feeling that infiltrates my being everytime my late grandfather pulls me into his lap, puts his arms around me like a seatbelt and makes engine noises while I pretend I'm a Daytona race car driver.

For all the small, little and miniscule things in life.

*

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

The story of another day

*
Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down

- This is for keeps, The Spill Canvas

Conversations I've had with people that have tickled me.


Mum: Oh, Fadhilah keje pat ne?
Me: Telemarketing la...
Mum:Oh...dekat maner tu?
Me:Umm..a building near Zouk.
Mum: Zouk aper benda?


Grandma: Bsk gi kedai la.
Me: Bsk iqa nk tgk award ah. Oscars.
Grandma: Oscars? filem org putih nyer award eh?
Me. A'ah. Selasa iqa gi kedai ah.
Grandma: Ah. Selasa MESTI pegi eh. Klau tk, jaga kau nnt nenek kejekn.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter and I'm aware of that.

So I'm gonna try to make them longer.

With that mission embedded in my half-dead mind, I shall proceed to describe my day out yesterday.

In a totally spontaneous move, I decided to follow dilah and bani and the rest (sharatul, nurul, marr,shameen,nissa)

to watch Dreamgirls at The Cathay.

So here goes.

When the first rays of sunlight entered through the glass windows, creeping into my room, I was rudely awakened by an authority figure.

Said authority figure started nagging which filled me with irritation since I was suffering from a severe lack of sleep caused by sleeping at 5 am.

An annoying little brat I bumped into irritated me further by wearing the shirt I wanted to wear to bed the night before.

My patience tried, I snapped and a match ensued between me and said annoying little brat, which involved muttered curse words and pushing voices past their normal tone.

Due to the fuming rage licking my insides, calm did not befall me and thus I could not rest and get my beauty sleep.

When I finally did manage to lull myself to sleep, I was once again awakened,this time by the vibration of a communication device otherwise known as my handphone.

Fumbling, I answered the call and bani told me it was 10.30.

The phrase "oh fuck" escaped my lips before I had a chance to stop it.

This is due to the fact that I had already wasted half an hour late in the time I had graciously allotted myself to get ready.

Scrambling, I did all the usual things a sane person does before going out.

As usual, dilah was late which did not surprise me since she has a past and well-known record for always being late.

Finally, we managed to reach whitesands where we headed over to the bank, stealing looks at a cute policeman on duty while we were at it. sempat sak.

A tip off from marr caused us to abandon the attempt to queue in a ridiculously long queue

and head over to city hall and visit the bank located there.

Once at city hall, we succesfully got our directions mixed up and ended up in a totally different place from where nissa meant.

After finally arriving at the correct destination, it was to our misfortune to learn that the bank is already closed since it was a Saturday.

Dilah appropriately cursed (which highly amused me) and we headed over to Sakura for lunch.

After lunch, we boarded the public transport called the bus and made our way to the Cathay.

Various cam-whoring poses was exhausted with the aid of handy digital cameras during the short bus ride.

With the help of a KFC dude, a group photo was hastily snapped admist falling raindrops.

After a quick session primping in the toilet as well as the purchasing of tidbits, we headed over to the theatre whose number was stated clearly on little slips of paper.

After promptly finding our allocated seats, we sat down and waited for the show to start.

As expected from raving reviews, the movie was a blast with an awsome soundtrack.

Tears were generously provided by marr and bani during the course of the movie.

Nonetheless, it is a movie that should not be missed.

After the movie, dilah had to be escorted to PS to buy plaster for her blistered foot.

Feeling exactly like a nurse, the application of said plasters was administered by me.

After chilling for a short span of time at Starbucks, back at the Cathay, we decided to head home.

In another totally spontaneous moment, bani and dilah insisted on taking the bus.

As I was valiantly trying to recall which bus to take, three caucasian dudes waved us over and snapped our picture.

As flattering as that was, me and dilah refused bani's urges to join the dudes.

Securing ourselves back seats on bus number 65, we prepared ourselves for a long journey home.

In an unexpected twist, Bani decided to go to tampines mart and being the loyal friends we are, me and dilah agreed unanimously to follow her.

Just in case.

Nothing of expected and rehearsed situations occured at Tampines mart so by 10.45, we headed off for home.

A phone call from Bani at 12.22 am, incensed me to the point that my hands shook.

Unfortunately, my wrath could not be expressed to certain fuckers/assholes who ricocheted bullets with their name carved on, through Bani's heart.

Fuming, I relayed to dilah, a litany of curses peppering the story.

Dilah said she expected me to react the way I did since I can never stand it when my friends get hurt or treated wrongly.

However, she made me laugh when she said she was dying to see me lose my temper, saying that since she knows I can get totally giler babi when I lose it, she has got to see it.

Apparently, a sadistic streak exists inside her.

Thus, ends the story of my day yesterday, the 24th of February 2007.

* Due to the need to prevent any insinuations and awkward questions, I have eliminated parts I did not feel necessary to portray in the story and also not name certain person/persons known only to me and the people involved directly in the matter.

*

-Dreams are e-mails from ghosts.

Sometimes even the saints snap

*
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
-I will follow you into the dark,Death Cab For Cutie.

Random guys have been asking me out on dates but I'm just too lazy to accept any offer as tempting as it may be.

I know I still owe Haqi a date more like two since forever.

He IS fun to hang out with although,since I know a platonic relationship is so out of the world question, I'm too malas.

*

He says:

You free tomorrow? wanna have dinner?

She says:

With who?(stepbodo)

He says:

With me. you owe me a date kn?

She says:

Oh. With you eh? If it's with you, then I'm not free.

Am I too harsh?

Probably. Definately.

I feel bad for being such a bitch to him but I'm just jaded.

Who the hell ask you to fucking cheat on me? It's your own fucking fault.

In short, my life is going to slow due to the unfortunate fact that Dilah's starting work and Bani's working and Shaf can't go out and since I'm too disinclined to actually accept a date.

I'm not in the mood to go through all the dressing up for a date shit and the expectation of how the date will go and the crushing disappointment it inevitably induces right after.

And Farhan is stupidly MIA.

The one person I really want to go out with, is MIA.

What the hell?

*

In the secret realms of jaded hearts

To ravage and devastate

*
Dig that pre-arranged grave
Send the angels scrambling for cover
Court the Devil, hold his hand

Ravage then devastate

We're all human beings .

And we're all destined to live together in a society.

That's why we all have tolerance instilled in us.

In life, we do a lot of tolerating.

We tolerate each other's conflicting beliefs.

We tolerate each other's shortcomings and flaws.

We tolerate and tolerate.

But there will be this point of time, either in the near or far future,

where our tolerance simply runs dry.

And we grow tired.

Tired of always tolerating.

Just plain tired.

Basically, that's what I'm feeling now.

I'm so sick and tired of tolerating all the crap and nonsense.

Frankly, everyone is sick and tired.

Still you're too blinded by "love" to actually realise that.

Way to go.

That's the way to make a friend feel really treasured.

And if, you would actually take the time to listen instead of just hearing, maybe you'd get the message.

But haha, the probability of that is less than zero.

I'm just sincerely hoping for your sake that you don't push it over the edge.

Cos' right now, you've already crossed way beyond the line.

Aku da tk leh tahan ah sia. stop it ah eh. klau tk, mampos kau.

*

-The possibility of probability

The lovesong writer

*
Sitting alone in the dark of the stadium
He whispers his secrets into a cheap guitar
With the flick of his wrist he turns words into melodies
Chords into church bells that fill up the alleys where
Lovers entwine in the heat of the night
And by dawn are apart in the shivering silences
We will pretend
That it's all just made up
-The lovesong writer, Thursday

The primary school kids are singing the national anthem.

I can hear individual voices all the way from up here.

They'll certainly grow up to be patriotic model citizens.

I was randomly going through all the junk I keep in my thumdrive and I found this;

lips like sugar says:
right
neurasthenia says:
left
neurasthenia says:
to the left to the left
lips like sugar says:
everything u own in the toilet to the left
neurasthenia says:
In the toilet bowl, that's my shit
lips like sugar says:
yes if i shit, please eat it
neurasthenia says:
and keep eating that shit that's just shit

*

-You forced me to become strong when I just craved being weak.-

Write my heart off

*

Do you want to run away together?

That's the best line I've heard since forever.

The stars are fading and dawn is breaking.

Get in the car and start the engine.

Take me by the hand,baby, and write me off.

Comatose would be a good word to explain the state I was in just now.

Ah, the horrors the lack of sleep could induce on your being.

Other than horrible eyebags that petrify, your brain also slows to a crawl.

Still, I managed to squeeze another quality therapeutic session stargazing.

It's something I've come to love a lot.

I really hope the sessions continue.

Bodofuck, better not buat bodohkn aku and stop the sessions eh.

Don't be a fucker.

My sister thought I looked like a gangster with my hoodie on.

Mum actually agreed with her.

Nonsense la both of them.

And for the first time, Mum didn't call for me to get my ass home.

She was too busy making 300 coconut blossoms for Bartley Sec's camp.

If there's ever a weird cool school, Bartley Sec will be a very likely contender.

As I'm typing this,my Dad's meowing.

Literally.

He got back from work and he's meowing and cooing to Izzy;

"Izzy...Izzzyyy...Izzy good girl kn? Alalala...Izzyy come to ayah sini.come.Izzyy"

So in conclusion, I have another two siblings.

Who are cats.

Talk about a diverse family.

Now, they talk about globalisation in families but my family's gone a step further.

We've diversified across species.

Cool shit.

*

Life's full of what the fucks.

To fuck with it

*

Her hands twist, and he winced.

Ragged and angry lines on expanse of porcelain skin

Tracing each contour,

that same sigh escape his chapped lips

Too broken,

It's not enough for love to heal.

Dilah slept over last night so as a direct result, my eyebags are horrible.

We really should try sleeping early. at 12 or something.

Yeah right. Aku cakap macam betol jer.

Anyway, I realise I need to write more.

Inspiration hasn't come as easily as it used to.

I think it's because I'm not in school right now.

Somehow inspiration always visits in the midst of The Treaty of Versailles or the woes of An Ageing Population.

Thank god JC's starting soon.

Although that would mean starting afresh, a white slate yet to be touched,

I'm looking forward to it.

At least my brain can be engaged in the growing of more dendrites.

Mum just told me that cik imah and cik sein are getting a divorce.

She heard from cik sam cos' cik sein asked him if he had space at his house for cik sein to stay.

I'm stumped but not surprised.

I kinda saw it coming.

And I know perfectly well Fad will follow his mum.

All the more I won't see him.

Rayer is gonna fucking suck without him.

Fuck.

I'm gonna miss him, that sucker of an almost twin brother.

He's the one who tells me I'm a beauty everytime he sees me.

Ah, to fuck with it.

I'm thankful that my family's complete.

Regardless of all the dyfunctional crap, I know my dad loves my mum and us, the kids.

As much as they shake the walls of my room, shouting at each other,

I know they'll never give up on each other.

See, cos' they compliment each other.

My dad's like a volcano, dormant yet liable to erupt. kasar.

And my mum's rain. cleansing and calming.

She puts out his fire.

Everyone says she's the most patient person ever and I agree.

If she wasn't, she would have left my dad a long time ago.

"Tiada bimbang sayangku. Kerna laut kan tetap mendakap pantai'

A line from my dad's love poem to my mum.

Sial ah. Biler maser entah my dad's cheesy and romantic.

He wrote her letter after letter and always ends them with said line.

I hope my marriage later will be as strong as my mum and dad's.

"Sometimes I wish I was a leasbian." wtf? lolz.

Black and White

I finally got the browser to work again.

The past few days saw me utterly frustrated over the stupid thing.

It frustrates me even more when I can chat on msn but I can't open a webpage.

totally what the fuck.

And since Dad started his new job, he's never around for me to ask him to fix it.

The upside is that when he IS around, he's always in a good mood.

And when he's in a good mood, I'm ecstatic.

It puts the FUN back in dysfunctional.

Yesterday was another surreal day that disrupted my black and white life with splashes of unwanted gray.

(I seem to be getting a lot of surreal days recently.)

Things have always been pretty clear cut to me.

They're either this or that.

Either black or white.

I take pride in the fact that I can read in between the lines and put things (and people) where they rightfully should be.

But sometimes, along comes a day, this fraction of a moment, where something or someone deals me a hand I can't play cos I can't read the cards.

I hate when that happens cos' it throws me off balance, off equilibrium, off whatever.

And as much as it pains me to admit, it scares the hell out of me.

"You seem happy." guess what, I actually am. :)

Hello, Saint Valentine

So yesterday was the 14th of February.

Or more popularly known as Valentine's day.

I didn't celebrate it much.

Just went out with the girls.

Caught a movie with Dilah which turned out to be a complete waste of my hard-earened money.

I shall never let her choose movies again.

Tampines mall was packed and there were couples everywhere, holding hands with the girl carrying roses.

The queue outside pizza hut was unbelievable.

Stretched all the way past a couple of stores.

To think that on Valentine's day when it is beyond obvious that all the restrauants would be packed, it would have dawned on these said couples to actually book a reservation.

Although it's prefectly understandable why the queue for seats at pizza hut is of that nature.

Their valentine's day special pizza which comes in a heart shape is kinda sweet albeit cheesy.

But hey, when you're in love, you just somehow get cheesy.

There's no need to look far for proof of that.

Still, to me, Valentine's day can get a bit overrated sometimes.

Nonetheless, I still love that feeling of being loved.

God, I miss Vday in TKGS.

I feel so loved everytime 14th of February comes around.

I remember coming to school in the morning and my table will be littered with little tidbits, sweets, cookies, gerry's yummy brownies and chocolate fudge, roses.

Incidentally, I prefer white roses. Not the traditional red.

Ended the outing with another therapeutic session on the carpark rooftop, stargazing.

I love stargazing on the carpark rooftop.

Unexpectedly, Farhan suddenly called me yesterday.

It was so out of the blue that it caught me by surprise, albeit a pleasant surprise.

We crapped as usual since we're both seriously lame.

While I was laughing away, I realised how much I actually miss listening to him gabble.

So all in all, his call was a nice end to an otherwise normal Vday.

To wherever it may lead

The euphoria of the results has more or less slipped away.

Actually, I didn't even celebrate it, not even alone.

The past weekend, I spent either fast asleep or stressing on which JC to go or talking to people about the JAE.

Maybe I should take Haqi up on his offer.

Right now, I'm pretty indifferent.

It's like I got back the results and then its back to normal.

My mum's back cooking at the shop.

My dad's still not talking to me over the whole mjc shit.

I mean I don't wanna go there cos' it doesn't offer the subject combination I want.

So honestly, what's the point of going to mjc and taking subjects I don't really want to take?

Then not make it to uni as a result and then even more he will be diasappointed.

I swear I have no idea where to go now.

And I'm feeling horrible.

Four years at TKGS taught me a lot.

But it also gave me plenty of good memories.

And allowed me to meet so many great individuals who I will most sorely miss.

As much as I tell myself that we're still gonna remain friends, I also know that anything can happen.

And that it might all just be taken away from you just like how it was given to you.

People, like time, is lent to us by God.

And when it comes the time for him to take it away, he will.

So like what dilah says, "We'll stay friends until God says it's time for us to part"
In my last post, I failed to mention how proud I am for all the girls in my year.

How we went against all the odds and shocked all the teachers who almost lacked faith after the disastrous results of prelims.

And we kicked ass!

I'm so proud of everyone and especially Zul.

CONGRATS.

I'm extremely proud to be a TKGian right now.

And I'm so proud of myself for beating my own odds and proving to everyone and most importantly, myself that I can make it and still had it in me.

OMFG

So, doosmday is finally over.

I'm still in a state of shock over the results.

I actually managed to scrape a pass in maths after 4 years of not passing it.

OMG!!

I told all of the girls that I'll cry like shit if I just so much as pass maths even if its a freaking C6.

And I'm a man(woman actually) of my word.

I didn't think of anything when I went up to Mrs. Chan.

She smiled and said I did well but it didn't sink in either until I glanced down and saw no Ds or Es or Fs.

I swear at that moment, my mind went totally blank and only registered one thing; find Mrs. Taufik.

I saw her from far cos' for her bright blue top and she asked me how I did.

I went;

"I p-p-passed maths!!"

And then the flood gates opened.

And didn't close.

People kept asking me what was my L1R5 and i just kept blubbering I passed maths.

LOL.

I flitted around the hall, hugging people and thanking all my teachers.

I really got loads of thanks to go out to all these special people;

Shafiqah, Fadhilah, Bani, Asyura, Surayya,Syazana for believing in me and calming me down.

We all did great and I'm so freaking proud of each and every one of you! Love ya so!

Beatrice, for actually cupping my face and calming me down when I was waiting for my turn to take the results.

Farhana, for holding my hand and screaming with me.

Nadia, for your support and encouraging message.

Kak Ann, for wishing me all the best and for taking the time to come over and helping me make a choice.

Farhan, for calming me down in the morning and that time I freaked.

Haqi, for your offer to follow me to school and for offering to treat me swensons (I'm thinking no but who knows)

Irfan, for freaking out with me. I'm so proud of you boy. Get your ass in a good poly and stay there!

And to my teachers;

Mrs Taufik, for always believing and encouraging me when i wanted to just give up on my maths and for painstakingly going through all the basics with me again and again.

Mrs Ngin, for having faith and telling me I can and for that apple and believing that we're all stars.

Mrs. S. Hoe, for taking time to give me a pep talk after prelims and for worrying for me when I was worried about my Lit.

Mdm Lee, for telling me I can do it and for saying I can make it against all the odds and for letting me cry in your shoulder last year.

Mrs. S. Yeo, for telling me I deserved it and for helping me deal with everything.

And to my beloved family.

In the end, this is my results.

Malay-A1

Higher Malay-A2(expected since i fell asleep doing the paper)

Combined sci-A1(don't know how the hell I did this)

Lit in English-A1(omg. whew. I was scared I was gonna get c5 again)

Combined Humans-B3(turns out I didn't bullshit after all)

English-A2

Maths-C6(GAH!! I passed it!!!)

My L1R5 after bonus points is 11.

alhamdullilah.

I'm ecstatic.

Again, to all the people who had faith and believed, thank you!!

The picture of my life

I finally figured out how to use the USB cable for my phone and upload pictures.
So this time round, my post will be just pictures.
Since they're supposed to be worth a thousand words so i pretty much don't have to say anything.
:)

In the toilet at CS. Miss em already.

The speed friendship of Cinta-s

Snippets while watching soccer.

That's Romie, the one who died on the 11th of Jan 07.

Cute shit ain't he?

Romie and Wira, one of my other cats. Blood Brothers or just plain gay? :)

Neurasthenia

neur·as·the·nia

Pronunciation: "n(y)ur-&s-'thE-nE-&

Function: noun

: an emotional and psychic disorder that is characterized especially by easy fatigability and often by lack of motivation, feelings of inadequacy, and psychosomatic symptoms.

It's not in scientific use anymore.

They call it "clinical depression" now.

Sometimes I think I'm suffering from that again.

I get so emotionally drained sometimes that I have no energy to do anything other than curl myself up into a ball on the floor and stay there.

My muscles are all tensed up.

God, I really need a massage to ease out all the kinks.

I think what brought about this might-be bout of neurasthenia is the stress.

Stress from the results and other things like work and all that as well but mostly just -

the RESULTS.

Which are coming out so soon I am too numb to even comprehend that.

I mean I know that the results will be released sometime about now but it hasn't sunk in you know?

I think it will probably, truly sink in when I see the little announcement in the morning paper.

Then all hell will break lose and I will seriously FREAK OUT.

And so will everyone else.

At least that's comforting to know.

That I'm not freaking out alone.

The perfect remedy to counter this whatever the hell it is, is some calm and soothing ambience.

Which is exactly why I'm going off later for a much-needed therapeutic fix at the beach.

Have you been to the beach lately???

The wind is great albeit freezing.

It's like natural air-conditioning.

Stayed there from 5 all the way till the early stars came up last Tuesday.

It's incredibly calming lying on your back and looking up into the sky with the wind whipping your face and just letting your thoughts roam.

Another great place for a quick therapeutic fix is, believe it or not, the viewing mall at terminal 2 of Changi Airport.

Granted you can't lie on your back, well technically you can but that's besides the point.

It's pretty quiet there on weekdays and especially after night falls.

Just don't even attempt to go there on a weekend day cos there'll be troops of little boys and girls on excursions and it gets extremely noisy when they jostle each other for a chance to press their noses against the glass or for a chance to stand on the metal railing.

Why they're on an excursion to a viewing mall that doesn't even offer a good view of planes taking off, is beyond me.

They should have just gone to terminal 1.

The view is better but the actual viewing mall isn't as nice or as cooling.

Any-o-how, everyone has their own special place.

That special place where they get calmed and comforted.

For me, back when I was still in school, it was the little corners behind the classroom block or the top of the staircase near the hall.

Now, since I already left school, it's the stretch of beach along Pasir Ris Park since it's convenient for me to get to.

It calms me even more when my friends are with me.

That's where I feel safe and protected.

Maybe I should call that home.