Holding back the tears

I'm living with my tears
mugeopji anhge naui maeumeul maego georeoyo
gakkapjianhgo meolji anhgeun gose
dareun naega seoittjyo ulji anhayo nan..

I'm holding back the tears
gabyeopji anhge naui mideumeul maego ddwieoyo
nopjido anhgo natjianheun gose
ddo dareun naega seoittjyo
jageun misoro nan useulsuitjyo...
-DBSK, Holding Back The Tears

~
I'm living with my tears
I walk
Trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry...

I'm holding back the tears
I run
Adding to the weight of my faith
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a small smile, I can laugh...

I've been playing it on repeat for a while now.
Just because.
It mirrors how I feel right now.
I think I'll go crazy if I don't study because then I'll be faced with having to deal
with emotions I'd rather not deal with ever.
I can't figure out if I'm doing this because I really want to do well or because I just need something to occupy me so I won't crack.
I just can't figure it out.
I really want to curl under a blanket.
I really want someone to hold me until I crack so that I can cry on their shoulders.
So that I can get this out of me cos it's driving me crazy.
It hurts to breathe.
And it fucking hurts even more to want nothing yet everything at the same time.