I feel like being random and retrospective at the same time.
Somehow there's benefits in being both right now.
It's to keep me continuously numb so I don't think about what's happening and miss cinta to much. She's in M'sia and I feel a bit empty without her to irritate me. Especially after she spent last Wednesday listening to me babble about how it's all piercing shards now.
We saw fireworks when it was 12am, from my bedroom window too.
Pretty interesting. haha.
There's a lot of food on the kitchen table now.
My grandma came over from a birthday party and she brought lots of good stuff with her.
Nuggets, crabsticks, samosa, popiah rolls, karipaps, cheese macaroni, fried bee hoon, grilled stingray, sambal goreng and a box of chocolate cake and brownies.
I didn't really eat all that much though.
Haven't been having much of an appetite lately.
I amused myself after eating a bit of mac and cheese, by feeding fyrus some chocolate cake.
He liked it and kept asking me for more.
Honestly, what does he not like? haha.
And afie told me she forgot to pass me my UK pics dvd when the three of us went to the museum last wednesday.
(truthfully, I'm kind of apprehensive about watching it. cos I know it'll just make me sad and miss UK more.)
It was real fun actually.
Didn't have time to go through every single sculpture though. :(
and we missed the themed tour on mythical greek gods and goddess. :(
Still it was fun! :)
There were some korean tourists there too. I recognised the language but I had no idea what they were saying.
Sue understood though. tsk. I really have to go learn hangul after A's.
Probably going again next wednesday so we can make the tour. haha.
Still not confirmed though since sue has to see whether she's going for touch and afie can't join cos she has soccer practice. :(
I was just thinking about how all the three trips that I went to at the end of last year all made a different impact on my life.
Pahang taught me that I can accomplish even the most impossible if I put my heart into it.
However, I can't do it alone and I'll need people to help and support me along the way.
In a way, Pahang instilled back the half-dying spirit inside me.
KL.
Well, to be honest, other than giving me the love of another set of parents, it hasn't really given me anything.
Not that I didn't have fun there. I did.
It's just that it's becoming more and more apparent that the trip was more of a hindrance than a help, because it unleashed the cruelty of politics into well-built friendships.
It left me and everyone else displaced.
I don't think it's just me.
For the record, it sucks.
And UK.
truly, it has somehow given me so much.
I went there with total strangers who've really become dear friends.
And somehow, 12 mere days on such a foreign country changed something in me forever.
And I can't even get started on how much I miss it.
Every day, almost all of the minutes. It's like an ache that's just there, hidden beneath and resurfaces everytime I let my guard down.
If I had a choice, I'd freeze time when I was still there.
And I'd freeze the people in my life that have mattered most, at the time when they meant the most to me, when they've made the most impact on my life.
And then I'll bring them with me, back to the time I freezed in UK so I'll get the best exerience life has given me with the best experiences people in my life has given me.
I'd freeze my mum, my dad, my sister and my grandma, for every single day and for always. because they're the one constant in my life that has never and will never change. For the record, mummy, I miss you.
kak ann, I'd freeze you for that time you saved me in 2006. and for the times you spent,curled up on my bed, listening to me. and for always.
abg wan, I'd freeze you when you visited me at the hospital and told me you'd be there for me forever if that is how long it will take for me to pick myself up.
nikki, I'd freeze you for all the number 10 bus rides and for all the late night phonecalls and for all the 4 years, minus the downside.
dilah, I'd freeze you for that time in kfc, all the sleepovers and 3 hour phonecalls. and for all the times afterwards up till today.
farhan, I'd freeze you when you stayed up with me throughout the night even though we were strangers and you didn't know me,just because you thought someone should. and I'd freeze you for all the times you made me laugh at night and for all the times you just magically understood.
haqi, I'd freeze you when you let me cry and fall asleep on your shoulder and for still patiently waiting even though you deserve someone worth waiting for.
34A, I'd freeze us when we were still complete and whole and together.
shaf, I'd freeze you for the 15 mintues daily corridor talks. and for the times at the airport. mostly, for all the times before I lost you.
li, I'd freeze you for all the times you were unselfishly there for me. especially throughout the time my heart got broken in july. and for all the times you've been a pillar of support I could lean on.
naz, I'd freeze you for all the times you understood. for all the times, you listened. and for all the times you were willing to save me. over and over again.
nad, I'd freeze you for that time in the library when you sat there with me and listened to me talk. and for all the times you made me realise how lucky I am to merit such frienship even though our differences can be the death of us.
kakhai, I'd freeze you for that time at the end corridor on that particular wednesday when you realised I needed finding. and for that time on the bus and in macs and for all the times you've been there for me. even though sometimes you needed someone there for you too.
Sadly, life doesn't work that way.
And I can't freeze anything.
Not time, not the moment, not the people.
truly, the only thing constant is change.
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