Switching off

If you're wondering why my posts are getting increasingly moody/emo/depresses/melancholic/sad/dark etc,
it's cos I really am too drained to put up a facade anymore.
So it's just the way it is.

I keep thinking the whole day where to go and who to call.
I couldn't think of anywhere or anyone that can relatively and literally keep me safe.
I don't think I still qualify to go back to the sunshine childrens ward since that was 2 years ago.
I have no idea how to contact mrs Y since that was also 2 years ago and I don't really qualify to book an appointment with her either.
I also can't go to see my doc since its a long time ago and besides, I don't have cash.

In the end, I sent kak ann an sos.
she called.
I cried.
But I still couldn't bring myself to tell her.
Maybe tomorrow when I meet her for lunch.
sigh. I'm betting it's gonna really suck for me.

And I know that I'll have a lot to answer for when I go back to school.
I think I'm already resigned to accept the consequences as they come.
I honestly can't really be bothered right now.
It's not that I don't want to.
It's just that I'm really tired of pretending.
If you ask me,
Yes I'm a huge mess right now.
I'm just switching off.