And how can I find the right words to say it?

Falling is the first step in learning how to fly.
I wonder if I repeat this to myself a hundred, maybe a thousand times, I will start believing it.




And I wonder how do I tell you that yes, I have a problem.
How do I tell you why I do the things I do?
How do I explain to you this pain and hurt and loss I feel when even I can't explain it?
How do I tell you that I just need you around?
How do I even start telling you that I'm not okay?




I'm sorry, mum.

only a heartbeat away

First up, replies to tags.
(this mostly applies to Sue.haha)
Sue: HAHA! I can't believe you cried. -_-. but can't blame you la. Damn heartbreaking song. I'll change it soon so you can read my blog without crying k. :) And chill, I still haven't decided who I like best. So jaejoong is still safely yours (unless I decide to like him la. haha) But now, I'm kinda leaning more to yunho or yoochun or jaejoong. haha. We shall see. :)
Oh which reminds me, I'm supposed to wake you up now. Haha.


Khai: Yup yup DBSK-ing now.. :) diversifying la babe. heh. But I'm sure you're used to it kan? Never mind, whatever it is, you're still one of my favourite skinskip partners! (not that I have a lot la) heh. sarangheyo kakhai. :)




Finally, after a really really long time, cinta came over to chill.
We talked a very minimal bit while I was doing maths and she was reading.
Then we watched DBSK performances and EHB. :)
3 straight episodes of EHB at one shot.
I really really love her for actually bothering to sit down and watch the videos with me and for laughing just as hard, if not more than me(cos I've watched it so many times that it wears off sometimes)
Oh and she said DBSK's jiwang is like surpassing that of ungu. :)
I'm happy now.
If happiness is measured by the small, fleeting moments, then this would definately count.


Other than that, my day was pretty normal.
Had maths and history consultations where UN and Cold War politics killed me.
I swear history can be such a pain the ass to do.
I was pretty satisfied with how the day went except for the fact that there was a freaking dead rat stuck somewhere in the air vent of LT5 when I had my history lecture just now.
Bloody hell and damnation.
The smell was really really bad.
I can still somewhat smell it even until now.
Seriously, I think if the NEA were to find out, my school will surely get shut down for a week while they go and exterminate all the freaking rats in the place.




And as usual, Tuesdays seems to be the day where I'll write a drabble here and there, or write a sajak.
I wrote a really random drabble cos DBSK's will you be my girlfriend was in my head during lit tutotial.
The drabble is really really random, I wasn't thinking of anything in particular or anyone for that matter.
Although I think it doesn't quite make as much sense as its supposed to. hmm.

Prompt: I'm only a heartbeat away - DBSK, will you be my girlfriend?

I wonder, if I ask you, is there still a need for my heart to beat in tune with yours, what would you say? They say that when your heart gets what it wants, you'll reach that level of Eden, that Utopian happiness. Yet, when my heart got what it wanted, I am only a blank here, between parentheses, which are really, your arms that encircles me. And that cold,calculating love present between you and me, it pierces like a knife,butchering my insides, carving out my heart to leave a empty hollow, and shatters it into a million shards that cannot be pieced together again. And my whole being, just evaporates - sublimation, the change from solid to vapour - and the cold wind that wraps itself around us in a locked embrace, will blow me away. So, even though I know this will never be reason good enough for you, I will let you go. Before you realise that you are the one that will be forced to let me go. I will castrate your heart, before you have a chance to castrate mine. And if ever, the stars dictate that your heart will scream and echo in the silence to be in sync with mine again, just remember my love, if only you look, if only you listen, I will always only ever be a mere heartbeat away.

On this street, we met by chance

I'm really supposed to be doing my lit essay but I'm really not in the mood to analyse poems and what not rubbish like that.
I know perfectly well I'll pay for it later when I'm rushing to do it.
Damn, I need more discipline.
Anyway, I said I wanted to do a DBSK centric post and here it is. :)
I'm pretty much indulging in DBSK, especially their songs, instead of concentrating on Super Junior.
I think I'm neglecting them a little bit.
Sorry boys, when I have the luxury of time, I'll promise I'll go through every single one of the 219054180950 pages of backlogging.
And of course, when you guys make a comeback that involves the whole lot of 13 of you, I'll devote some attention to you. :)
For one, it's really DBSK love.
I realise I took a less conventional route which is falling in love with SJ first then for DBSK and not vice versa.hmm..
Anyway, here are a lot some pictures; group and individual shots.

Jaejoong's hair is really -_-. haha. Although I think he can definately pull it off, like heechul.

Xiah Junsu, Micky Yoochun, Hero Jaejoong, Max Changmin and the leader, U-know Yunho = DBSK.
I can't decide who I like best cos I haven't watched any videos of them that let me know more about them and their personalities. :)

First up is the leader-shi.
Yunho.

I love this picture of him cos of his smile. :)

Next up, Jaejoong.
Sue loves him. haha.
I've yet to see if I like him best.

And this is Yoochun. :)
For some reason, I really really love his smile.

4th in line is Junsu, otherwise known as Eunhyuk's best friend :)

And lastly, Changmin, the youngest of the five but the tallest one as well.
He stands at an intimidating 1.86 meters.
Actually, all of the DBSK boys are tall so the height variation is pretty well spread out evenly.

And so that's all of DBSK.
For an added bonus, 2 DBSK videos.
Japanese songs again. heh.
They're really such love. :)

Daremo ga motteru kanashimi ya kodoku
Iyashite moraeru basho sagashiteiru
Sou kimi ni wa sono basho ga koko ni arusa
Osorenaide mou mayowanaide
Boku ga mamoru..

Everyone is searching for a place
That can take away the sorrow and loneliness
So… for you, that place is here
Don’t be afraid, don’t hesitate anymore, because I’ll protect you






Ame furu toki ni wa kimi no kasani narou
Kaze fuku toki ni wa kimi no kabeni narou
Donna ni yami no fukai yoru demo kanarazu asu wa kuru kara

When the rains falls I will become your umbrella
When the wind blows I will become your wall
Even though the darkness overtakes the night
Tomorrow will come no matter what

Until the end remains standing

The weekends is almost gone again.
I haven't really gotten much done.
I still have a lit essay to do but I'm in one of my reflective moods again, where I just start questioning the whole meaning of existentialism and of life itself.
Going to my grandma's yesterday prompted me to just think so in a way, this post may get a little deep and philosophical, so much so that only I will be able to understand it fully.
(I think I enjoy being an unsolvable and ambiguous mystery too much)


My grandma was pretty happy to finally see me after so long, even though she couldn't really remember who I am.
I don't fault her though cos god knows, she has too many grandchildren and she's getting old.
She's already 79 actually.
And the older she gets, the more afraid I become, especially when her very fragility slaps me in the face.
I'm just so terrified she'll get taken away before I get a chance to spend hours, minutes and seconds, just being next to her and hearing her breathe, which I can only afford to do after this hellish A level ride is over.
I don't think I'm prepared to handle her loss, but then again, when is anyone ever prepared to handle loss?


And as a side effect of being a grown up (at least in the eyes of my parents, aunts and uncle) I can now fully participate and voice my opinions in family conversations.
Which is good in a way, but now, I've come to know of even more family secrets.
The kind that's been buried under the floorboards for so long that it's starting to rot.
I feel overwhelmed sometimes, not by the things I now know, but by the sheer impact and weight of all of them.
My whole perspective is twisted and I find myself having to set it out straight again, even though its literally futile cos I'll never see things the same way again.
It just goes to show that if you change the viewpoint, the perspective completely changes.
Sometimes, I can't help but wish that I'm a kid again, protected from all the ugly side of human nature and from all the ugly truths, waiting to surface and choke you.
I miss being cocooned in that protective bubble, living life by counting the number of tiles lining the living room floor and by how many heartbeats it takes to match the number of times that my mum tells me she loves me.
Along the way, somehow, that protective bubble burst and this is who I am now.
It's so true that we only ever become the people we are today, because of the experiences we go through, the pain our hearts are carved with, the tears we shed, and the moments of elation, exhilaration and pure joy we've reached.
I count myself as extremely lucky to have gone through the most lowest of moments, when even reaching for the sun is impossible, to the most elevating of moments, when all that matters is living the moment itself.
And every day, I change a little more,
because ultimately, life is a journey that leads you to be the person you are destined to be.
It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, and how much you have to suffer and lose in the process.
Cos you'll get there anyway, and if getting there means your whole world has to turn upside down, and all your perspectives and beliefs have to change, then so be it.
It helps me feel better to remember that life itself, is an art that cannot be measured by the number of breaths you take or by the number of people you meet,
but by the number of moments that takes your breath away and by the number of people that tattoo their names on the insides of your heart.

At the fork of the yellow road

It's only 9.30 but I'm already tired.
I think my insomnia is effectively, more or less gone.
These days, I come back from school so thoroughly exhausted that I can't stay awake past 12 am anymore.
And then of course there's the problem of me taking naps and then not waking up.
Hmm, I was thinking maybe 34A could start a relay system.
I think it might work so that at least for sure, someone will wake you up.
does that even make sense?


Maths test was okay.
I could do all the questions except I screwed up one question, thus 3 marks already gone.
I just hope I do okay for the paper.
Frankly, I'll be disappointed with a mere pass.


Once again, I'm kinda jumping here and there now.
I'm just typing whatever happens to be in my head, so pardon me if it sounds utterly incoherent or something like that.


Today was a day of extremes.
Extremes being in the weather sense.
It was so fucking hot during half of the day, you could literally feel the heat wafting up from the ground and pressing in on you.
And then, in a blink of an eye, while I was asleep on the 161 back home, the skies started puring.
And it was so extremely heavy that I got drenched to the bone when I walked to the bustop.
I just hope I don't develop a fever or a cold or something.
God knows I've missed school more than enough times already.
Anyway, I think school, even though the stress is crap, is my one and only saving grace.
If I really really concentrate on my work hard enough and focus with all my being, I forget all the insecurities and the doubts plaguing me about the A's.
It helps in some ways.


Dilah says I need to remember that I'm a normal human being that has limits.
I know that but I still like to believe that I'm not merely human, maybe I'm super girl or some other superhero with extraordinary powers.
And it's simply because there is this perfectionist streak in me when it comes to studies and such.
So much so that I push myself way over the limit, just to get to where I am supposed to be.
It's got to the point where I sometimes forget to just stop and breathe and laugh.
Sometimes when I fall hard, I forget the most basic thing;
that falling, is the first step in learning how to fly.




You just asked me whether I'm free on friday.
Even if I am, you know me too well to know that I'll run away from confronting it all head on.
Cos you're right. As always.
I have more of a heart than I am letting on.
I'm too afraid to let myself feel cos it'll hurt and cos denial, it's so much more easier to accept than the stinging truth.
I'm sorry love.

The countdown to forever

The week passed by in a flash. as always.
I remember thinking on monday that I really really wished the weekends will come and well, they're almost gone now.
I've had a pretty productive week.
Did couple of extra work other than the standard homework given out.
Still, it's not nearly enough cos I've still got to study last years topics especially history but I can't seem to find the time to go through it all.
-_-


I'm not going to summarise the week cos I can't remember what exactly happened when.
It's all in snippets of colour that's just floating about in my mind, regardless of chronological order.
I remember the late night study session I had with nad and nami on tuesday.
I did maths like a freak, doing normal distribution questions over and over again.
I remember trying to find stars on thursday after 2 solid hours of doing sampling for maths and then cracking cos I was so stressed up over it all.
I think I just forgot for a second how to stop and breathe and just laugh.
(I think it's the effect of not watching super junior everyday and laughing at their antics)
At this point, I have to thank kakhai for lending me her shoulder and for being so damn loser that it made me laugh again. :)
Friday was the release of PW results and I got a B.
I'm happy that all of the hard work paid off.
Thanks goes to IJ107, especially nad and li cos they gave me the strength to go through all the shits.


I realised on hindsight that although only a fraction of 2008 has passed, it's already been filled to the brim with drama, bittersweet moments, heartbreaks, pain and gallons of tears.
It's definately been an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone.
I forsee more drama and more tears later on in the year.
But no matter, let's just live for now okay.
And we'll just go through the shit when it comes.
:)


My dad just came home from fishing and he brought home shit loads of fish.
my kitchen toilet now smells of fish. -_-
I can never understand how he can stand to wait for the fish to bite when he's not exactly a very patient person.
Still, thank god he's back.
My mum has been in a hellish mood ever since he left yesterday.
I think she misses him but she just doesn't want to admit it. -_-


I'm totally in love with DBSK. especially their songs.
Seriously.
And this made me cry and it's not even korean so I understand it even less.
They're singing in Japanese at their concert and seeing them cry broke my heart.
Doesn't help that the song is so freaking sad and nice...arggh!
DBSK is my favourite korean/jap jiwang la seriously.

Proud - DBSk

I’m going to pass through quickly
Well I just wonder which season I’ve already passed
I walk passed the scenery I’m already use to seeing
I can’t slip away from the far away memories alone like this

So that I don’t lost the place that I go to…
That time I met you

On this street, I met you by chance
Even now I don’t forget, from that day on
Everything, like the sad things, the things I carried in anxiety, everything
Through your warmth changes into memories
Proud of your love

The two shells I picked up
Once again the miracle of being able to meet you
If you let me be by your side
The inside of my heart will begin to have kind feelings

Even if a violent rain is falling
Even in strong winds

I will protect this love
If you are here then surely I can get over this
Because I am beginning to be able to think like this, so that I never loose this hand
Let’s always look towards the important times

On this street, we met by chance
Even now I don’t forget, from that day forward
Living, believing, will this is change into happiness
Forever, let’s walk together
Proud of your love

SuJu-M Spazz

It's almost 3 in the morning and finally I'm done with the extremely tedious and confusing essay on the sajak.

I still have another mini essay to do for "guruku" but I'm probably going to just go sleep instead.
However, I can't resist blogging about Suju-M's new MV that was just released yesterday.


And so that's all of them.

Zhoumi, Ryeowook, Henry, Siwon!, Hankyung!, Donghae! and Kyuhyun.
They look quite nice actually.
And my dearest hae is on the shorter side. haha! the cute little fishy.
although 175 is tall enough for me la. :)

And here's their new MV.
It's actually the Chinese version of U.
It sounds a little weird to me, I guess cos I'm too used to the Korean version.
I asked jia and she said they're okay sounding, as in their pronounciation and all that.
Anyway, the MV is pure hottness!
I thought I'd notice the stark difference and weirdness with the non-Suju members inside but I didn't at all.
In fact, I totally enjoyed the MV.
All the mirrors, and sleek dance moves (although I still prefer the korean version but hae and hankyung's solo dances are super cool) and the hotness of my fav 3! :)
I can't decide who's look and style and moves out of the 3 is my most favourite.
How I wish the Korean U MV was something like this.
It would have been so much better.
Still, no matter, I still get my eyecandy and my donghae! :)

[Aside] I'm seriously falling in love with DBSK. Their songs are such love. My Korean jiwang playlist(yes I have one in my iPod) is starting to be filled up with DBSK songs. They're such a joy to listen to. I'd kill to go to a DBSK concert just to hear them sing live. :) Hmm, maybe I'll do a DBSK centric post one of these days. And of course must do 1 for Battle too, because they're nice as well and Tae Hwa's voice is damn nice. :)

Okay enough spazzing.
Gotta get some winks of sleep before school tomorrow.
Night stars.
I love you.

I can only promise something I know for sure

I'm just dropping by for a bit.
I've still got tons of work to do, namely sastera essays.
Today was a really good day for me.
There wasn't any shit happenings in school, my consultations went well (especially maths!) and I stayed back in school to study until 8 plus. :)
I feel so extremely accomplished and it feels damn good. heh.


Okay, serious business now.
I know I can't afford to run away anymore.
But, there's a part of me that's scared to promise that it'll be the last time I run away.
Because I'm terrified that I'll break my promise somewhere along the run and I'll disappoint even more people.
I can deal with anger, I can deal with contempt, I can deal with hate, I can deal with almost anything people or life throws at me, albeit in my own way of course.
But, I cannot deal with disappointment.
It breaks me further.
I don't want another repeat of my self-destructive years in secondary school,
where I made promises to stop carving my own self-made tattoos to so many people, only to disappoint them sooner or later.
It's a cycle that's too vicious.
Incidentally, it's been 2 years since the last time I made a tattoo.
That's the longest ever.
It's worth it even though I had to lose my best friend for it to happen.
Anyway, my point is, I'll try my best not to run away again but I'm just saying that there's still a possibility that my semi-conscious will somehow urge me to do it.
After all, my greatest enemy is actually myself.
Myself and all the demons in my closet and the monsters under my bed.


Naddie, Kakhai, I hope you guys understand okay?
I love you very much for being there and for a lot of things that I can't possibly list down.
I won't promise that it's the last time I run away.
But I'll promise you that I will try my damn best to prevent it from happening.
:)
I love you.


By the way, cinta,
Get your ass back from Malaysia already cos I really need an alarm clock.
And well, I kinda miss you la.
A bit.
(You know when I say a bit I actually mean a real lot right?)
:)
I love you. heh.

Some SuJu love <3

After the extremely long and draining post I last posted, I thought I'd do a tiny bit of pic spam.
I wanted to do an aiden lee donghae centered one but I can't bring myself to go through all the pics I have of him
So I'm just going to go random for this one. :)

Kangin, Kyuhyun,Heechul, Sungmin,Yesung,Siwon,Kibum,Hankyung,Eunhyuk,Donghae,Eeteuk,Ryeowook, Shindong = Super Junior!
I somehow really love this one. :)
Heechul looks really pretty here, with his perfect profile and all that.
Siwon as always, pulls it off so effortlessly.
And Kibum's smile is such love. It's just too bad that he is so goddamn quiet and moody sometimes.
Hankyung's smile is a little bit weird but he's still handsome. He has that mellow-ish thing going on.
Donghae needs no words to describe.
Eeteuk is also another pretty boy. Not in the Heechul way, his is more soft and gentle.I admit I had no idea why Sue liked him so much at first (after kibum that is) but as I continue watching them, I started to love his charm and his "talking skills" and his plain dorkiness. -_-

Teukie dimple alert! and his ponytail too. :)
And I love love love donghae's hair in this one.
And he looks damn fine. :)

The Suju F4. Haha.
And it's so typical of heechul to pose like that. that pretty boy. haha.
I love all these boys and they love each other too. lol.
They're damn good friends.
Too bad donghae and teukie are not in the pic, if not it'll be a perfect pic of all my favs from SJ.

And the members of Suju-C were supposed to have been announced officially on the 1st of April.

Unfortunately, SM decided that since it was April Fool's day, they'd pull a fast one too.
Meaning, that they're only releasing the members slowly before their debut on the 8th.
Like we all don't know who they are anyway. -_-
For the record, its Hankyung (duh. since he is chinese after all) , Siwon (obviously too), Donghae(I have no idea why.), Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Henry and another SM trainee Zhoumi.
Oh and SM decided to change the name of the sub group to Suju-M instead.
As in M for Mandarin. -_-
Maybe they want to infiltrate all the mandarin speaking markets. (Singapore too maybe>?)
Here are the pics of the only 3 in Suju-M that I care about. :)

Choi Siwon!
I think he's real fine. Tall, handsome, suave and such a gentlemen. I swear he's the kind of guy your mum would want you to marry. :)

Hankyung! (I prefer calling him the korean equivalent of his name cos I'm too used to it and I think it sounds nicer.)
I think he's simply getting hotter by the day. Like whoa. :)

And of course, Donghae!
His hair is getting really long, but still nice. :)
He's getting a bit skinny though.
Poor thing.
Donghae, hwaiting! <3>


I've come to realise that as much as I love Super Junior to bits, I don't mind not seeing them live.
Cos they're not singers technically. They're entertainers.
And I fell in love with them because of their personality anyway, especially when I watched fullhouse (with all my favourites inside!).
Speaking of which, I greatly miss donghae during the fullhouse period.
Now, he's not as carefree and happy anymore.
It's a little sad that he matured so much in such a short space of time.
I guess he just matured a hell lot after he lost his father.


Some random videos.
The first one is Donghae talking about his father in a monologue that was aired 2 days ago.
Heartbreaking really. It's even more sad that he couldn't see his family especially his father, for so many years cos he was training and then his dad passed away.
It's also the first time I've actually seen him cry, even though all the other boys says he's one of the few in the group that cries easily.
And the second one, since I'm being random, is teukie singing 2 songs he composed himself. :)
I love his voice in the first song. Wish somebody subbed the lyrics but no matter. heh.
It's great that the boys compose stuff and all that.
Enforces the point I said about Suju being entertainers.
Most of them didn't join to sing (not like DBSK), but to act (like kibum, heechul and all) and for other various reasons.
That's why there's so many different kinds of talent in the group itself;
singers, actors, DJs, composers, dancers and a whole host more.
That really sums them up. They're entertainers through and through.

It's a no matter what

It's been some time since I last blogged.
Haven't been online all that much.
Which is highly unusual for me, given that I can't stay away from my laptop for a single day without getting some weird withdrawal symptom.
There's really too much I want to say, so much so that everything's just this muddled vortex inside my mind.
I have no idea where to start.
I guess the start would be a good place to start. :)

This will probably be an exceedingly long post though.


I finally got back all the results of the block test.
For maths, I totally expected another zero but somehow, I managed to scrape a two digit number.
Which is 10. -_-
I was a little disappointed by my GP marks but I was quite satisfied that I managed to write a proper summary that merits a mark more than 1/2.
I did okay for malay. I won't say I'm overly satisfied with it cos I'm not.
The sastera section seriously failed me but I guess that's what happens when I try to be too overly ambitious and take a risk by stating points and elements in my essay that the question did not want.
Lit was a half and half.
I thought that after the tongue lashing the whole class got on that thursday, I'd do horribly.
I did pretty good for the PC although the DOM text frustrated me.
I think the fact that I stated some points that grossly disagreed with the principles of the marker, greatly influenced the marks I got
Still, I'm okay with not failing the paper since failing it would mean I stressed the ligaments of my wrist for no reason.
History.
I'm severely disappointed.
I really tried so hard for history.
Honestly, the whole month leading up to the exam, it was all I was technically studying.
I even sacrificed studying for maths to continuously do history mindmaps.
40. I did 40 mindmaps and I went through every single goddamn one after that.
And to fail after doing all of that, just hurts.


On hindsight, history was the one that really brought me crashing down the next day.
I feel quite disgusted and ashamed at myself that I let myself get affected so much and once again, let myself sink so low, I was running away again.
I know for a fact that the migraine and slight fever I started developing on wednesday night, provided me a great cover to run away again.
To try and outrun everything that was catching up to me, and maybe, just maybe, I can go someplace where it all just fades away.
I tried doing just that on friday, I escaped to Terminal 2's viewing mall, just to sit at the usual spot and study, but more to just get out of the house cos the walls were starting to close in on me.
I reached there and sat at the same spot at the place where just 2 years ago, I studied my ass off for O Levels.
But I just couldn't bring myself to.
Not because I didn't feel like it, but because, sitting there studying alone, without shaf beside me just felt so perverse and wrong.


I thought that running away, maybe to some place familiar and doing something familiar too, would make everything better.
In truth, it all served to highlight to me all those things that I haven't been wanting to see in a long time, things that I push away.


I thought about you, about how far we've come together, only to have it all gone in a flash.
If you ask me, I can pinpoint a thousand, even a million reasons why things turned out the way it did.
It’s strange how all the reasons that I can ever come up with, only exist because you made them exist and how I didn’t see that I was as much in the wrong as you.
Because I gave up on you too easily, and I just decided that it was all not worth it after all.
There’s a part of me that feels guilty for letting you go with such mechanical and callous ease, that I wasn’t there for you when shit happens, even though I told you I’d be there for you forever.
The main reason why all this happened is not the fact that we hardly spend any time together anymore or the fact that you’ve got your other’s heart to care for and break.
It’s the mere fact that I just couldn’t bring myself to continue breathing for you and cleaning up after you anymore when you’ve never tried to do the same for me.
It drained me to continue giving and giving and being there for you when simply, I just needed you there for me as well.
There’s a part of me that wants to tell you all of this, but I know you wouldn’t understand.


Dilah, if you’re looking for my answer, as to whether I feel guilty about it all, your answer’s right there.




I never would have thought that telling my mum that “secret” entrusted to me would unleash such a torrent of even more secrets and revelations.
I found out so many things that I’m really starting to wish that I never told my mum in the first place.
Of course, the secret’s out now and the whole family, including the kids, know about it.
Except my grandparents of course. They have no idea.
I wonder when my uncle will bring himself over to their house and tell them.
I know it’ll break my grandma’s heart and god knows, she doesn’t need anything like this to happen right now but I hope she hears it from my uncle himself instead as from some other sources.
If you asked me what I thought about all this, I would say that truthfully, I knew something like this was going to happen.
I think the thing with Fadly’s family was more shocking but with Nadia’s, I saw the warning signs way before.

It just makes me so sad that the kids, my cousins, will be the ones who really suffer through it all.
I’m not all that worried about Fadly, my twin brother, cos he has a good relationship with both parents and his parents are amicable with each other so I know that he’ll turn out okay in the end and that he’ll still maintain ties with my family, especially my mum and aunts who adore him.
But I can’t say the same for Nadia and Qai cos they’ve never really been close to the family, only seeing everyone twice a year during Hari Raya.
Now, I don’t know what’s happening.
My mum told me, she and my other aunts are trying to intervene with the kids’ cos they’re straying from the right path. Especially Nadia.
I talked with my mum and my dad a lot about all this yesterday, all the way until 2.30 in the morning.
I still don’t know how it’ll all turn out.


Nadia, if I could, I’d tell you that I know how it feels when you feel so alone in a roomful of people.
I know how it feels when you can’t seem to feel anything and you just need to do something to feel, anything just so you know that the hurt and ache inside you is real.
I’d tell you that bulimia is not the answer, suicide is not the answer, booze, sex and rock and roll is not the answer.
However, I know talking about all this is awkward and uncomfortable for you so I’m trusting you to do your own thing.
I just hope that you somehow already know all that and you’re doing much better now.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened.




I think this post is already insanely long.
I’ve still got lots more to say but somehow I can’t seem to remember the words to say them.
I feel so much closer to my mum now and that’s good.
But I still can’t bring myself to tell her things that are bothering me.
Maybe real soon.
Anyway, I think enough for now.
This took me real long to write cos it’s draining.
It gets tiring when you let your mind wander off to think too deeply and too much.

`Love is not a because. It's a no matter what.

I'll let you paint over the cracks

Weekends are finally here.
The past week seemed really long somehow.


Thursday in particular was just surreal.
And it's one of those times, like how dilah graciously pointed out, that I'll never forget, probably for the rest of my life.
It's not everyday, more accurately, not ever, that I let myself cry in front of a group of people.
Not because I can't feel. I do.
But because I hate people seeing me when I'm vulnerable.
Certain friends don't count cos they're not just people. They're friends that keep me going.
I don't think anyone other than myself understood fully why exactly I cried so damn hard that thursday in P2-3.
When the brunt of the rage and anger and insults wasn't directed at me at all.
I think only I know why.
I'm still reeling over the fact that I actually let myself crack so badly.
By the time I was curled up on dilah's bed that evening, I was at that stage where the tears just won't fall anymore cos I was just so tired and so drained, and I was disengaged and just staring blankly at the patterns on her bed sheet.
I don't regret standing up for what I felt was right.
I think if my life was a novel, and someone characterised me, they'll come to realise that I'm someone that places friendship very highly on my list.
And I can't stand it when I have to see my friends get hurt, especially more so if whatever is hurting them is uncalled for or grossly unjustified.
I'll just snap because people can hurt me, but when my loved ones get hurt, I'd do anything -fight tooth and nail- to vanquish all the monster from under their beds.
I guess that's because it's so much easier to save them, and stand up for them and protect them because I can't protect my own self from the monsters under my bed and from the demons in my closet.
Anyway, I've put thursday behind me but if anything like what happened that day happens again(which I bet it will), I'd do the same thing I did anyway.


Well, now that that is out of the way, Friday was road run day. :)
It started off really blah.
And during the taurus house meeting, taurus was like a dead bull, without wings.
seriously.
Then the rain started half way through, causing the staff race to be cancelled and the event to be cut seriously short.
We did the house cheer competition and taurus kicked ass!! :)
as always of course. heh.
They decided to announce the results on monday though. bugger.
Regardless, I had a nice dinner with my loves. :)
Even though we got caught in the rain half way when walking to KFC.
haha.
And I realised it was the little things that really made me smile that day.
Like how jia automatically stuck two straws in my drink when we got food,
and how ying cheerfully told me she loves me too even though I was bickering with her and had just called her a moron. (she still is a moron for the record.)
:)


I've concluded that I'll let them paint over all the cracks.
I'll let nad and khai dry my tears, and hold my hand when I break.
I'll let Jia give me a hug to cheer me up and I've decided to just let her nag when she's exasperated at the rest of us cos it makes me smile.
I'll let ying tell me it's all going to be okay and we'll get through it all together cos that's what we do.
I'll let li tease me and laugh at me cos it amuses her and it amuses me to see her amused and I love to see her smile cos it makes me happy.
I'll let the rest make me smile and laugh and just make my day.
And I'll let dilah break down all my walls because she can and because I trust her.


Damn, I love you all.
Really. :)
and thanks a lot for yesterday, for today, and for tomorrow, until the end of forever.




Random thing to think about.
"If love is blind, then how can there be love at first sight?"
haha.
True.
But I don't believe in love at first sight.
Fairytales yes. Aliens too (cos aiden lee donghae believes in aliens) .
But love at first sight?
That's just superficial.

I'm too exhausted to think of one.

It's only 12.15.
Pretty early by my standards but I'm already getting severely incoherent and very very zombie-ish.
I think its the effects of sleeping at 2 or 3 for the past 2 days and the workout I had just now.
Tiring shit. haha.


Today really passed by in this blur.
And its the day where I've decided will be the major turning point in my life from now on.
Life here having the meaning of my journey until A's.
I've already booked weekly consultation slots with all my teachers, with the exception of cikgu cos I haven't gotten around to doing that yet.
Maybe friday.
Anyway, I really doubt that I can fit in a slot to meet cikgu.
My weekdays are all packed either with normal school timetable or extra consultations.
Here's a look at my timetable:
Monday: Because of MLEP, I end at 5.40. and because there is no other possible slots, my GP consultation with mr yip is during all the breaks, being, 9.10 and 3.10.
Tuesday: It's the only day I end early actually but unfortunately, maths consultation starts at 2.10-3.10 and straight after that is history consultation until 4.10.
Wednesday: Lit consultation with Mdm C at 2.30-3.30. Then rush off for debate.
Thursday: sucks. seriously. extremely long day and its the day that I always starve because our lunch slot is taken up for lit tutorial. seriously.
Friday: I end early again but there's extra maths lesson at 2.


I really hope I can handle all the workload coming in with the consultations.
Since each subject consultation requires me to prepare something before hand, its going to be essay after essay.
Which amounts to 4 essays (or comprehension in GP's case) per week.
Not counting maths stuff.
And not counting normal homework and assignments.
I'm thinking that I should leave all the consultation work to saturday.
then study/revise on weekdays.
And do homework of course.
And oh ya, since I'm joining that competition quiz on bahasa and sastera, I have to hafal 230++ pages of gurindam and pepatah pepatih.
No shit.
I memorised 3 already. waaaayy lots more to go.
I think I'll just do the memorising in the mornings before school and on the bus.


Hmm.
Does it sound workable?
Or am I sounding like a crazy overambitious person?


I'm worried that I will crack from the stress and pressure somewhere along the term.
I think I'll ask Kak Ann to help me structure something up.
Sue's timetable can't work as well anymore with all the extra work.heh.


Crap. Tomorrow is thursday.
The new monday.
I hate thursdays. double lit at one shot is so not healthy.
sigh.




I need more hours in a day.
Someone, donate me some and I'll love you forever.
:)

Another day in the paper chase

Nothing much of significance happened today.
Other than getting back the GP paper.
I did okay.
Okay being that I managed to pass the paper but still failed to get more than 25.


On another note, I feel extremely accomplished on a personal level
because I managed to write 3 sajaks in the course of the whole day. :)
It's been a long time since I last wrote and it felt good.


I have no idea what to ramble on about now.
Today's just another typical day in this whole paper chase.
Besides, GP mindmapping is calling my name.


Night loves.


Smile always cos you may never know you might fall in love with your smile.
:)

Let's dream up another sunset

And so today is the first day back at school after the block tests and the long good friday weekend.
I went to school reluctantly.
Was kinda getting used to slacking at home, watching videos on youtube and reading fanfics.
And I had a strange feeling that the day wasn't going to go all that smoothly.
And in a way I was right.


Started off the day with maths in the morning and heard from mdm C that I improved, through a technical default of course since my results last year was close to zero anyway.
She singled me and a few others out for extra weekly consultations and I'm so thankful that I get the chance to do that. :)
God knows I really need it.


History was surprisingly fun given the fact that we didn't do anything at all.
Mr M spent the time telling us about the coursework for the term and other rubbish like that.
He was supposed to do admin work but we ended up talking and talking and talking.
Random crap mostly, like what lit papers he took for A levels (he was a straight A lit student by the way) , the books we're doing for lit, what language is spoken by the people from bangladesh(seriously) and other nonsense of that ilk.
I love how we can talk to him about anything and everything and he'll always listen and engage in the conversation with us.
I'm really very very glad that he's so bonded with our class and I love him cos he's my favourite teacher and he makes a dry subject like history tres interesting. :)


Started on the tempest for lit and well, I haven't read the actual play, just the synopsis.
And as much as I love shakespeare, his language can kill me.


Got back our scripts for malay and I did okay.
(I'm not going to talk about the Uni admission mini talk that cikgu gave before starting class. It's too depressing.)
Was a little disappointed with my sastera but I guess that's the price to pay for being too ambitious and including in elements that the question didn't ask for. -_-
anyways, I shall just put it behind me and not brood over it.
And so should everyone else k? :)




right now, I'm trying to modify the timetable Sue did for me to suit me better.
Thinking of staying in school everyday to complete homework than heading home for revision until say 12am?
And then after that I'm giving myself an hour to either do some reading (leisure reading or reading for school) or blog online.
And I'm only going to use Sue's timetable for a rough guide cos I don't think I can stand that kind of rigid structure anyway.
I lack the strict self discipline.
I think I'd stick with weekly plans, as in I plan to finish revising certain topics and such by the end of the week.
Hopefully it works.
I need it to work. please.




On a sidenote, I've been waking up every morning with bits and pieces of poetry or prose in my head.
Like I'll be in that state where I'm only semi-awake and my subconcious will recite lines from a random fanfic or book that I read somewhere.
And sometimes, its snippets from something that I know I've never read but it's like my mind makes it up as it goes along.
And it switches back and forth from english to malay.
It's such a pity cos I had inspiration for lines of sajaks that I can't seem to remember when I'm fully awake.


I think I'm really weird.

If only for a fraction of a second

And finally, finally the block tests are over!
I am so hugely relieved that one major obstacle in this hell-like journey is over.
I can't say for sure that I'll get through the rest of the year unscathed but I'm just content to live for the moment right now.
Don't think I'm making much sense. -_-
I guess that's what happens when you read a whole load of potent SuJu fanfics at one go; you get significantly incoherent.


Lit went much better than I expected given the fact that I only read through the notes and the guidebook and the fact that I spent the whole morning before the paper, rushing to complete an overdue lit essay.
For one, I actually managed to complete the whole paper and still somehow got all my ideas across even though some may be in a rather incoherent and haphazard way.
I'm just really glad that I completed the bloody paper.
It's a miracle that I did actually cos I only had 30 minutes left to write a logical essay for DOM and that is inclusive of the time used to annotate the context question that I chosen to do.
I have no idea how I managed to squeeze in all my ideas and in the limited time limit and still managed to write 3 pages.
Still, the good thing is that I finished the paper. :)
But the bad thing is that, because I wrote so much and so fast, my arm is hurting, especially my wrist area which is really being a huge pain in the ass right now.
Well, at least its not numb like how it was right after the paper. heh.


There's a whole lot more I want to say but my hand is killing me.
(hence giving me a more stronger reason why I should continue reading the fanfics cos they will not put any additional stress on my "injured" wrist. heh.)
I'll probably post again tomorrow.

~
He is so still and quiet that I wonder if he's even breathing. He seems intent on waiting, all the cells in his body dedicated to just patiently waiting. Seconds passed, followed by minutes and then a full hour, and still he doesn't stir. I stare at him, just across the room from me, miles away but feet apart.

Finally I dare myself to speak.

"What are you waiting for?"

It takes him a moment to reply.

"For our hearts to fall in love."

The trick is to keep breathing

Today's not a good day.


It's hard continuing to keep my chin up.
I just want to cave in.
and curl up on the floor.


There's this sickly tightening feeling that's closing in on my ribcage.
and I can't seem to remember how to breathe properly.


I'm suddenly feeling everything all at once.
I hate it when this happens.

And I hate how I can be a super girl for someone else but I can't save myself.


I guess for now, all I can do is just to keep breathing.

You can be my keeper

And just like that, the holidays have suddenly ended.
Maths and History tomorrow.
I know for a fact that I'm going to screw up Maths.
I just don't know to what extent I'm going to screw it up.
Highly likely a very large extent.
As for history, I'm still struggling to complete the last bits of the Indo-Pakistani War.
I hope I can manage to finish it all by 10pm so I can look thorough all my notes.
I'm thinking of pulling an all nighter but sleeping during the maths paper tomorrow isn't an option that mdm C will allow me to do.
So maybe I'll just stay up till 2 or 3 in the morning.
With the aid of coffee of course.
Thank god I get two days off after tomorrow so I can afford to lose some sleep.




I'm somehow getting more and more disillusioned as the days go by.
Maybe it's just a side effect of JC life.


And I'm still debating with myself on whether I should tell my mum about what I found out 2 days ago.
I know I promised not to tell anyone but its not exactly the kind of thing that should be kept hushed.
My mum and the rest of the family is going to know in the end anyway.
And there's this small part inside me that's telling me I can use that to get close to my mum again, even if its for only a few minutes as I'm telling her.
Pathetic I know, but I'll give anything. anything just to get it back with her.
Sometimes, I really wish she didn't take up her new job.
Cos if increasing the family's financial situation means losing that bond with my mum, I'd rather we remain caught up in debt instead.


On another note, I had a very nice night with Dilah yesterday.
She crashed for a few hours and we spent it talking, random things here and there of course.
I love how I can talk with her about anything and everything.
And I love how I can only seem to have really deep conversations with her.
You know, the kinds of conversation that gets you thinking way after it actually happens.


In life, people walk in and out of your life all the time.
It's a fact of life. Cruel, yes. But still a fact nonetheless.
And no matter how much you try to prevent it, you just can't.
Still, the reality is that no matter how many legions of people walk in and out of your life,
only a certain few, maybe just one or two, that really leave their footprints stamped all over your heart.
And these people?
They should be the ones that you fight like hell to keep.


I'm eternally thankful that I've got a chance to know people like that.
Keepers, for as long as God permits me to keep them.

We're running to stand still

"Forgetting is sad. I myself have forgotten many things. Memory is the ability to relieve that instant in your head. Losing a memory means you can't relieve those days again. As if your life itself is slipping from between your fingers."
Ima, Ai ni Yukimasu - Takuji Ichikawa


I'm afraid that one day, I'll lose the ability to remember and relieve that moment.




Jodi Picoult moments, because she'll always be my favourite after Shakespeare.


"I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has it's own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. You don't love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."
My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult


"Love is not and equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where your headed."
Vanishing Acts - Jodi Picoult




Doubt thou that the stars are fire;
Doubt thou that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.
Hamlet - William Shakespeare


You, if you were sensible,
When I tell you the stars flash signals, each one dreadful,
You would not turn and answer me
"The night is wonderful"
'Under the Oak' - D.H. Lawrence

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                             i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-E.E Cummings