Will this ever be good enough for you?

Sometimes I think you try too hard to make sure I don't turn out like you.

That I don't screw up my life like how you screwed up yours.

I'm sorry I can't be that shade of perfect you want.

Can't all this just be good enough for you?

Cos it's good enough for me.

`things happen for a reason

`haha so what's the reason?

`that maybe there are better things in life suited for you

My posts these past two days or so is getting more vague.

I kinda like it that way.

Proof of the way my mind actually thinks; randomised, shuffled, bits and pieces.

All the little I've got

I watched you walk away, you're shoulders square even though I can tell you're breaking cos your ears are turning red.

To the world, you're strong but I see right through you.

How this is is breaking you.

Cold-hearted I am, and all that I've got left to say to you is that I'm sorry, nothing more, nothing less.

In all the time this took to happen,

I only remember that one instant, that memory imprinted in my mind.

You walking away, winding down that endless corridor and then my voice just died.

Then there's no more numbers left for me to press.

I can go through the whole list off my head, go through it again in my phonebook.

And I draw a blank.

It seems that I've lost my best persons.

Go through that list again, and there's none there.

No number left for me to press.

There's all the love around me now, intact support systems and souls that will save me when I crash but none that I'd ever let hear me cry.

Subconsciously

This is going to be my shortest post ever.

It's true what they always say.

It's the last stretch that always ends up killing you.

Subconsciously, I've made my choice and I'm gonna accept all the hell that comes with it.

For one more day

I managed to grab hold of a copy of Mitch Albom's For One More Day at the school library.

Couldn't resist not borrowing it so I did with 3 minutes left to the counter closing.

:)

People walk in and out of your life.

That's a fact you can't change.

Out of all the people that's walked into my life -blessing me with their prescence and leaving me with eternal memories- only to walk out again, there's a select few that I wish I had just one more day with.

.

One chance to make up for taking them for granted, for kidding myself into believing that moments spent with them would stretch until eternity.

One chance to make up for the time when I thought they were going to be there foreve.

Firstly, I've got to mention you,shasha.

You stayed in my life for only a short period of time yet you left an impact, helping me to get back on my feet.

The thing I remember most about you is how you were always ready to come to my aid, to stand up for me and for what I believed in.

You were like my sister from another mother and you took care of me when I couldn't do it on my own.

The memories I have of you aren't much as it is but what I remember most is sitting next to you in Abg Wan's car, your shoulder bumping into mine, not talking yet exchanging so much.

Ironically, we drifted away cos the only person thing that tied us together turned out to be taking advantage of us.

I guess after that it was just hard to get it back I suppose.

I'd love to have one more day like one of those days.

Just to remember what it felt like.

And of course if I've got to mention you. (I won't name you cos I know if you read this, you'll know who you are)

With you I kinda don't know where to start.

I guess it's just enough for me to say that I'd take 1 more day with you anytime.

One more day just like the old times.

And lastly, there's you.

I'm not foolish or stupid enough to believe that I'll ever get it back with you cos I know it's all said and gone.

Still, I'd give anything right now just for one more day or even hour with you.

So I can treasure every single second of it and keep it locked away in the deep recesses of my heart along with your name and your memories.

That's not how I see it

GP was an absolute killer.

The 12 essay questions were all hard to answer and I spent half and hour just planning and choosing what question to do.

Eliminating questions didn't really help cos I almost eliminated all the questions.

In the end I took a risk and answered the one about The Arts.

Thought I'll manage to answer it somewhat but unfortunately since I spent so much time choosing a freaking question to answer, I didn't have time to complete the paper and give a proper balanced argument.

And I really think I went out of point and totally didn't answer the question.

The compre sucked too.

I got a shock when I saw that it was only one passage on global warming of all things

And then I got another shock when I read the AQ question.

In a nutshell, the paper sucked.

Thank god I'm not depending on my H1 subjects if not I'm already dead.

Still if the standard for the other papers are as tough as GP, then I'm still dead.

I think I'll look into alternative options after the whole promos is over.

That is to say if the papers all suck and I screw it up.

*

no worries, me and fadh are always there to back you up.

:) :D

Be careful what you wish for

I'm sitting here typing this, taking a break from looking through maths websites on my comp.

I don't generally make such an effort for maths but well, thought I'd better just get started.

At least go through the important formulae and concepts so I won't get a straight zero for the paper on friday.

Besides, I'm sick and tired of going through nationalism in SEAsian countries for history.

I just can't seem to get it all in my head.

And this is without all the Cold War bits added to the equation.

At the very least, I'm extremely elated and happy and proud of myself for having gone through The Guide entirely and colour-coded it.

Thus, I can just put it aside for a bit and review it a day before my papers. :)

Thank god paper 1 is first. If it's the imagining other worlds paper 4, I think I'd just die.

Well yes I do realise that this post is in direct contradiction to the post before.

When I wrote that last post, I wasn't saying that I'd give up entirely. I meant screw up 1 paper (likely to be History seeing as how I can't remember all the facts.)

Besides, I realise that my parents may not be able to afford a poly education so I gotta start looking into doing fairly well I guess.

I suppose I could always try talk to them about it but that's just gonna drain me and tire me out and turn out to be a never-ending saga(which I really really don't need right now)

Dilah and Bani are enjoying themselves at Geylang right about now.

I'm kinda sad I couldn't go.

Seriously, promos is stealing my life away.

Anyway, I said before that I'd be really relieved if you were the one who was swept away.

I forsee that this strange wish of mine is probably gonna come true.

Sure there's a part of me that's relieved but there's another whole part of me that's feeling this thing that's well I suppose a little loss.

I guess this is why they say be careful what you wish for.

Screw it all

If I'm truly honest to myself, I want to screw up promos.

Just not study at all, screw it up and then withdraw at the end of the year, get a job and go on to take mass comm at TP.

It's not about being a pessimist, I need to be realist.

This year has been hard, harder than I expected.

I'm struggling to even achieve decent grades, inclusive of the subjects that I'm supposed to be good at.

I'm struggling to keep my mind sane and such.

The thought of going through it all again next year at an even higher degree scares the shit out of me.

I don't want to put myself through all that again.

The more important thing is whether I'm strong enough to go through all of it again.

I know I can but I don't want to take that risk.

The risk of putting myself through circumstances that will incur a relapse and make me fall through the ice again.

Last year almost killed me if not for my strong suport system.

I think if the same thing happened again next year, it'll be so much harder to pick myself up.

Right now, I'm thinking things that I shouldn't even be thinking about.

And that's bad cos you never know when I might just go and do something stupid again.

I wanna make sure I'm not in any compromising position or circumstance that will catalyse that.

I'm not saying that if I go to poly, I'd be stress free.

But I know that I'd be less stressed out and honestly, that's all that matters.

I know that I can get through poly okay enough and I still can make it to University after.

If you think about it,

even if I do get promoted, there's no guarantee that I'll go to university especially with the local competition from all the people from the top JCs and all that.

Then if that happens, I can't go anywhere with an A level cert.

At least if I go to poly and don't go on to a university, I can still get a job with my diploma.

God, I'm leaning so much to the screw promos side.

I can't turn my heart into metal

I woke up for sahur with a punding headache and my eyes swollen until they're slits and I couldn't open them all that much properly.

So I missed school.

Obviously my parents weren't too happy but I pretended not to hear my mum nagging at me on her way out of the house.

Wanted to go for the history lecture in the afternoon but I overslept and missed it in the end.

Tried studying but I couldn't really concentrate so I decided to clean my room.

Threw everything off my table and the bookcase onto the floor and sorted through everything and re-organised stuff.

Then I tackled my wardrobe, threw away a bag of clothes and re-organised it.

It's not that I was really bored or something, it was just so I had something to do with my hands.

I've kinda lost the drive for studying these past few days.

Maybe I need to numb myself more but thing is,

I can't possibly turn my heart into metal and function like a robot, doing everything mechanically.

Sure I can numb myself, I'm strong enough to do that but life right now, is asking me to turn my heart into steel.

And that's something that I haven't mastered the technique to.

Hey, maybe that's why I feel so .........

Then again, it could just be my coming period, bringing with it the woes of pms.

-_-

When it all comes back to this

Life is built on paradigm shifts.

One minute, you're on top and you're in perfect control and the next, you're crashing hard towards the ground and everything just spirals out of your control and you're like an elevator cut loose at the top, falling and falling into this deep, dark chasm.

Today's a perfect example of how life is essentially one big huge paradigm shift andhow unpredictable life is.

You think you know.

I guess it was imperative that we God destined for us to meet at the same place that holds so many memories for us even though they're short-lived.

I always knew that one day, the stars will dictate that our paths cross again.

This place, this time, I wasn't prepared for it.

I turned and there you were, right in front of me, a real hallucination.

I blinked but you still stood there.

"hello!" you said, "Don't you remember me anymore??" and my heart just went numb.

With every beat and every breath I took, the pain just seemed to be flooding into the chambers of my heart.

I didn't register what you said to me, how you reacted, how when you touched my shoulder, my nerve cells jumped and shot poison through my veins.

I didn't register anything at all.

Just the fact that there you were, standing there, looking at me , suffocating me more and more.

The fact that this is real and you're real.

I saw everything through glassy windows and everything around me blurred except your eyes cos you've never failed to drown me in that shade of brown.

You were nonchalant, indifferent, used to it.

Whereas I struggled to get a foothold, to reel back from the shock of seeing you again.

And it took everything out of me not to just crack and let you see the layers underneath all these concrete I put up.

It took everything out of me not to just scream at you and hit you over and over so you'd know how it feels like.

How it feels like to have your core ripped apart from your being and shredded into a million pieces.

I was that close to erasing you, obliterating all traces of you from my mind.

And then you came back, barging your way into my life like you have every right to do so.

Like you have every right to tear open the bandage I placed over the wound and make it bleed new again.

In a nutshell, that's me

What I can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger down
on the moment that I became like this...


you see I am the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
yet I shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds


but I dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet
are trembling
and every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold


these hands that I hold
behind my back are bound and broken
by my own doing
and I can't feel
anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real


my soul
it's dying to be free
you see.. I can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's dying to be free
it's up to me to choose... what kind of life I lead


but I dont wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my imperfections
and even though my feet are trembling
and every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
unfold


I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me

Like whaaat -_-

So I just got back from grandma's house.

Actually I got back about 10 but I was fiddling with the HTML colour code of the tagboard.

So yeah tagboard's up. I'm not that happy with it yet but I'm too malas to change anymore.

Buka was so meriah just now.

We filled 3 full tables; the dining table, the kitchen table and the coffee table.

:)

And naturally I ate a lot.

Roti Kirai and pizza and couple of drumstick and ice cream cake and Ben and Jerry's.

o.0

Thank god starting from tomorrow onwards for 5 days I won't be eating much. :)

Note to self: Try not to buka there often.

Somehow, everytime we gather, and mind you my maternal side of the family is pretty large,

something funny or other happens.

Today the highlight was this:

Mak Su: [upon finding a tub of jelly like pearl shape things on the kitchen counter] Eh ni aper? Bubble tea nyer pearls eh?

Syafiq: Entah. Agaknyer ah.

Mak Su: abeh asal colour dier transparent? [takes one and pops it in her mouth] Eh! tawar ah bende ni. Tkpe, later you all put inside your drinks ah, eat with the cocktail.

10 minutes later, after Syafiq has eaten a whole bunch of them,

Mak Su: [asking the whole living room] Eh saper bawak ah bubble tea nyer pearl tu? Kau eh som?

My Mum: Tak la! asal boleh jer. Maner ader.

Mak Su: Mohsin kau bawak eh?

My Cousin: Huh? Pearl aper?

Mak Su: Abeh saper bawak?

Suddenly my uncle starts.

Uncle: Eh Yati! Bende yang pat dalam tupperware kecik tu eh??

Mak Su: Ah. Abg Sam bawak eh?

Uncle: Eh! tu kn kak Nor kasi. Tu perhiasaan untuk letak dalam pasu bunga!!!

Mak Su: HAH?!?

HAHAH!

I laughed my ass off.

Slenge sak my auntie.

Apparently it runs in the blood.

Cos I remember the other time my other aunt tried to drink through a Mc Flurry spoon cos she thought it was a straw. -_-

There's so much more

This is gonna be a random post cos I don't really have anything specific to blog about.

Technically I'm not supposed to blog considering that I declared a self-hiatus from blogging but as we all know, I never keep to self-declarations of that kind.

Besides, blogging clears my head somewhat in a sense that it helps me to-you know how the cliche goes- express myself, and not bottle it up in like how I'm naturally inclined to do more than 3/4 of the time and then reach thebreaking point and explode.

Something which I very nearly did last thursday which I don't think anyone else other than select few realise at that time.

Anyway, I'm gonna buka at my grandma's house tomorrow and oh boy the food's gonna be damn goood.

Cik Sam's gonna make Roti Kirai. (one of my personal favourites!)

Mak Nga's gonna make the curry and the what nots.

Mum's gonna make pizza (the last time I had pizza was I think like 2 months ago? with crazy friends and a mad scientist)

And Mak Su's gonna fry chicken wings and drumlets that resemble but don't quite reach the standard of KFC. (not that I really enjoy wings and drumlets anyway.)

I'm so gonna gain weight I tell you. -_-

Since I'm so bored, I'm gonna do this survey I got off friendster. -_-

Name 11 people you can think of rightoff the top of your head.

(in no ranking order whatsoever)

1. Muhammad Baihaqi Ilham

2. Fadhilah Adlina

3. Albaniah Zakila

4. Nor Shafiqah

5. NurLiyana

6. Nazurah

7.Siti Nadiah

8. Nur Khairin Aisyah

9.Afiqah Alias

10. Namira

11. Muhammad Farhan

HOW DID YOU MEET #4? Back in TKG, Sec 1.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT # 6? No more trying to think of ways to stay up to study..

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF #2 AND # 6 WERE GOING OUT? dilah's number 2 and naz is 6th. Well, if they did ever go out as lesbians, I'd laugh then try not to freak. haha.

HOW OLD IS #8 ? 17 already.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF #5 CONFESSED THEY LOVE YOU ? I already knows she does:) and I love her loads too! heh.

WHOS #10'S BEST FRIEND? I'm not sure really. All I know is that she's really spastic. -_-

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN AROUND #1? duh. on dates or just pizza while watching a movie at his house.

DO YOU MISS #1? haha. can I not answer this? well, a little I guess.

WHO IS #11 DATING? He's still single and available. ;p

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF #3? She's crazy and loud and can be exasperating but I love her loads. and oh ya, she's strictly izwanshah's.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF #9? She's a good friend to have although she can give you a run for your money with her sarcasm. o.0

WHAT WOULD U DO IF #4 AND #7 WERE DATING? Nad and Shaf??? HAHA. kk. seriously?!?

WOULD YOU MARRY #7? what the hell?? Nope. She's my friend. But I know someone who will :)

DO YOU LOVE #10? Yup. :)

EVER SLEPT IN THE SAME ROOM AS ANY OF THE NUMBERS? number 2 sleeps over sometimes and well technically everyone except 11. haha.

If it should come to that

"[Jane],let me tell you something about love. It's different every time. It's nothing more than a chemical reaction, an arrow over an equation, but the elements change. The most fragile kind of love is that between a man and woman. I believe that you can fall in love many times with many different people. However I don't think that you can fall in love the same way twice. One type of relationship may be steady. Another may be fire and brimstone. Who is to say if one is better than the other?"

Once again I'm plagued with that feeling I can't really explain or rationalise.

I think cos I just miss you.

As much as I try not to show that I do.

Although I suspect that I'm transparent enough that select people can see through that unsaid lie through my teeth.

I try not to look into your eyes because I'd always feel really bad and sorry that it turned out like this.

I know I turned back on my word, swallowing them again, cos I'm taking steps away from you ; I'm walking away.

Damn I really miss you.

But I don't want this whole thing to start over, occur again, repeating like the waves on the shore.

I need you to realise what you need to realise.

I don't need your apologies, I just need you to change.

I know it's impossible to expect that out of you but that's just me being honest.

Come to think of it, I don't miss you, as in the you now, the you I don't know.

I miss the old you.

Back when we thought we could conquer the world and fight off everything because we had each other.

Back when things were so simple and black and white with no shades of grey in between.

It's so sad to think that we might as well be utter strangers.

wait, we already are.

`Am I overreacting? Honestly.

`Overreacting? you're not even giving any reaction whatsoever.

`Hmm...You're afraid of things that you can't control and sometimes you use anger or you just go numb to cover up how you actually feel.

`You're unpredictable fiqah. Like the sea, wild and untamable-

`-_- You're quoting pirates?!?

`Anyway, yeah you're unpredictable. Sometimes you can stay still and calm but not always.There's always this part of you that's raging to get out and express itself.

-* I don't have the courage to look you in the eye.

This isn't how I thought it would be

I'm this close to just bawling my eyes out right now.

In fact I can feel tears pooling in my eyes.

My head is throbbing and I'm supressing the urge to just have a complete breakdown.

Why does everything happen on thursdays anyway?

First was the whole ain's leaving episode.

Then today my PW group was told(by the PW HOD nontheless) that we've been on the wrong track.

Which means that we have to re-do our ENTIRE written report from scratch, "improvise" our pilot test findings and basically crap our way through.

Needless to say, this is a huge blow to my group cos all this while our ST has been giving us good comments and the Meeting Expectations grade and we based everything that we've done so far on what she told us.

But when the HOD checked through our WR, she said it's only a mediocre Approaching Expectations grade.

And the best thing is, the third draft is due next Monday.

So we apparently have to blindly trust again and rewrite 3000 words.

As much as I would really like to be optimistic, I'd rather be realistic.

Cos you see, here are the due dates for 3 important PW documents:

1) 15 sept : EoM final draft (which still need loads of editing)

2) 17 sept : WR draft 3 (which is the whole rewrite of the WR and on top of that we have to go and see said HOD to clarify exactly what went wrong.)

3) 19 sept : 1st draft of I&R.

and not forgetting we have to balance studying for the mid-course and also do the 16 full length essay sastera questions that was given to us.

And of course all of this is entirely feasible given the spare time we have.

Igniting that dying fire in me

I'm at the school library as I'm typing this.

Its freaking cold and pretty quiet.

The J2s are having their Prelim 2 exam so there's almost no one studying in the library.

Me and naz have decided to go on a study marathon from now onwards which in other words means that we're gonna discipline ourselves and study until around 8.45 here in the library.

o.0

That also means that we're going to sacrifice puasa as in the buka part of puasa.

Maybe like buy snacks to buka with before going home to eat.

Damn that's a huge sacrifice. -_-

The exams are looming and everyone's feeling the pressure.

Some of us are crumbling inside, under the cover of that mask we hide behind.

I'm doing all I can to keep myself from having a complete nervous breakdown or a panic attack.

I can't afford one right now.

There's no time.

I need to ignite that dying fire in me.

It rained again today and as always, my mood will turn pretty reflective.

It just occured to me how we are all playing out the politics of friendship, and how things can change in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you're just a pawn in a large game you can't comprehend.

Equilibriums of even the strongest friendships just crack and fall, defeated in a flash; you can't and will never anticipate such a thing happening and yet it does.

The best thing you can do for yourself when such a thing happens is, to not lose your sight. You can lose your reason, hell, you can even lose your person but you can never close your eyes to the world.

Because if you do, you're gonna get vanquished.

I see you going about with people you were never all that close to.

And all because your own words render you silent, encapsulating you in this cocoon of silence where you are sure no heart will ever bleed because their owners set alight what you've said.

You watch your every move, deliberating over every small step you take cos hell you don't ever want to repeat that same mistake.

You don't want to be faced with a wall of resistance and the four-letter word hate.

Somehow your silence presses in on me, and whenever you're around, its the only thing I can hear clearly.

How you've changed. What have you rendered yourself to?

And you, you lost your reason and so you took the easy way out. You ran away.

Thinking you can carve a better life out for yourself.

But you don't realise friendship is like an umbilical cord of a baby.

It feeds you with nutrients and when its cut off, its time for you to fend for yourself, find a footing, get a good grip.

And so you ran.

To the only other person who you think can heal your wounds and fill in that void, that empty abyss you feel.

Who makes you forget past hurts and pains and so you bind yourself to another.

Another umbilical cord then.

How can you not realise and see that umbilical cords can wind themselves around your neck, choke you, starve oxygen off you until you can't breathe.

What are you doing to yourself? What are you thinking?

As for you, you willingly sacrifice yourself like a candle, burning steadily so that the other can find her way. So that the other doesn't feel pain.

Sometimes you go to all lengths and you forget the other patient guiding stars that are lighting your way.

You concentrate all your energy on picking her up yet your forget that she has to learn how to pick herself up.

You mend her heart but you forget that she needs to learn how to do that by herself so she can ensure her survival in a world where everything is politics.

You give her a reason out, a reason to forget.

You piece her back together but at what price?

And what's gonna happen when enlightenment settles in and she decides you're 2nd best.

What's gonna happen then?

And then comes you.

Time to you is relative.

You inch closer to a person who knows so little of you because you wanna feel safe.

But you refuse to see that there are others out there, just for you.

You gained knowledge but you haven't learned how to use that knowledge to your advantage, to salvage the tattered shreds of a friendship.

You let it float away, thinking it is a strong bond that will never and can never be severed.

But you forget that humans are not dolls or puppets that can be used only when you wish to play.

you forget because there's a part of you that thinks this bond will always be there.

That it will never waver.

That I will never waver.

But I'm wavering, pushed along by waves of time and pushed along by you,by the words that you say and don't say and by the things that you do and don't do.

And there's nothing that will stop me from getting pushed along to a different sea, a different ocean.

I wish you'd remember so you can stop me.

But I know that you're never going to remember.

At least not in time.

The sad thing is, if I'm honest to myself, I'd feel so relieved if you're the one who is pushed away instead.

If by some fatal turn of circumstances, you get left behind because then I won't have you haunting me like how you are now.

I've only got this to say to you ; I'm sorry for everything that I did and didn't do.

And I'm truly sorry for the way this turned out.

Fyrus, a little ball of fire

I finally got that new kitty today. :)

We're actually only supposed to get him after Raya but uncle zul says we should just take him now.

First things first, he looks nothing like Romie.

His fur's a shade lighter and his eyes are gray with brown specks instead of Romie's blue gray.

Still, he's really really pretty and so goddamn cute!!

He doesn't have a name yet and naming him Romie or RJ (for Romie Junior) would just be too weird.

His tentative name right now is Fyrus cos he's like a little furball of fire.

And then, according to my sister, his malay name can be Firus. -_-

Gotta say he's very very acquainted with people and it's like he's known me and my family and the house for ages.

Izzy doesn't like him though.

I think she's just a little jealous. Maybe she has an insecurity complex or something.

Wira's perfectly fine with him which given his gentle nature is not surprising.

So these are my cats now:

This is my first kitty ever, wira. Got him at an adoption centre at Punggol. He was a real handful back then. We thought he was a girl and well turns out he has a dick. -_- Now, he's real gentle and very manja, letting you hug him tightly for a couple of minutes before he wriggles free. :)

And this is Izzy. My mum found her "crying" under a car at the Mega Courts building and took her home. She was just a kitten and she's all grown up now. She's not as demonstrative as Wira but she still likes to cuddle up with me under the covers. :)

And this is Fyrus. He's still a pretty tiny kitten at 2 months old but he's a real pretty boy with a lovely nature. He's not at all shy or timid and he acts like he owns the place already. and yes, he's really really cute! :)

Just like the old times

Time is an abstract thing I'll never understand.

It passes by too fast, leaving me to just grasp onto the important moments before they slip through my fingers.

When I want it to pass by faster, it trickles like antibiotics through an IV line, slowly, drop by drop.

When I don't notice it, it flashes past me in a whirl of colour and sound and emotions and just passes so damn fast.

I look back and I'm just thinking, where the hell did all the time go??

It seems like just yesterday me and you were studying at the airport, freezing our butts off at the viewing mall.

It seems like just yesterday we all went to Gashaus because Char wanted to see her scandalous drummer boy play.

It seems like just yesterday you and me sat our asses down on the vinyl seats at KFC and talked until my throat went sore.

It seems like just yesterday we all walked to pasir ris park and you sat with me on the bench, just talking and u were reading that magazine you bought just cos it came with a skipping rope that had a digital counter so you didn't have to count when you skipped.

It seems like just yesterday you and me entered N1-5 and surveyed our class, skimming over the new faces and trying to remember foreign names.

It seems like just yesterday we all braved the downpour at Pulau Ubin together, shivering in the cold, because it's one for all and all for one and we believe that if one of us falls, we'll all fall down together.

It seems like just yesterday we watched a play under the starry skies.

It seems like just yesterday we were mesmerised by the fireworks in the sky, like diamond glass explosions.

It seems like just yesterday when I skipped school early in the morning and turned up at your doorstep because I literally had nowhere else to go.

It all seems like just yesterday.

Okay I have no idea where all that came from.

I guess scenes from all these moments were just flashing through my mind as I typed so there you go.

Bani came over for a while and it was really nice talking to her and all.

Just like all the times after O's when we (that is me, bani and dilah) were free and had too much time on our hands.

I gotta admit that yeah I do miss her a lot and that I wished we had more time to hang out just now.

It felt a little sad when she had to leave early to go home and get dressed for her date with izwanshah.

So bani, like if you're reading this, I do miss you and I love love you okay?? :)

On a side note, Bani was telling us about online shopping which she has just gotten into lately.

So after dilah left, I thought I'd check it out cos well it is a little bit cheaper than buying retail.

I found a website that links me to tons of online shops and sprees and such so I skimmed through a little and bookmarked my favourites so that I can buy something after I've saved up.

I've calculated that I can at least secure myself 80 bucks each month to spend so that's good. :)

Was thinking of somehow getting my mum to agree to let me get an ATM card so I can do the whole transactions thing when I pay for the online stuff.

But then I realise that's not really necessary cos there are some sprees and shops that accept cash payment when you personally collect the items.

Which is really really good news for people like me. :)

Like diamond glass explosions

*

I'd like to believe that this is a story I'm telling. If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending.

I re-read my last post and I'm a little ashamed of myself for letting my feelings show.

Something I never really do.

I mean the feelings that really matter of course.

If I'm feeling pissed, you'll see that I'm pissed.

But if it something I feel in other words hurt or pain or something, I never let it show.

Only those who know me well will see past all the walls that is and read me as though I'm transparent.

I've learned that these are the people that matter.

:)

I went to the John Little expo sale with my mum and sis just now.

well mostly we bought lingerie.

and I bought a top and 3 for $15 maybelline lipgloss. :)

wanted to get more stuffs but was on a budget.

My sister is the only one in the family that apparently has a sense of budget(does that sound right?) and she practically dragged me and my mum away from all the stuff and so we sat in a corner to calculate the price of all the stuff (no shit).

It came up to 123.20 so we went to pay and somehow the cashier told us it amounted to 191.90.

like whaaaaaaaaat.

So my mum voided the whole thing and we recounted 4 freaking times and still arrived at the same results as before.

apparently the freaking cashier was trying to cheat us of a lot of money by overcharging us.

sial ah. lucky we checked before hand.

If not we'd have paid so much more.

There's also the Times book sale ongoing at the expo which I'm dying to go to.

I hope my dad manages to get extra money on his rounds today then I can expand my book collection. :)

I guess the gist of it is sometimes a little retail therapy does wonders.

That Small Part Of Me

I studied at the Banquet at Woodlands with nad and li and syafiq after we've done our PW.

And I've finally managed to complete reading the Handmaid's Tale guidebook.

Which is really good cos I can just put it aside for now and concentrate fully on history. :)

There's a lit lecture tomorrow which means we get to watch the rest of the movie. :)

At least that'll make my day. :)

Damn my guard has got to be up tomorrow if not I'll start feeling funny.

I remember this dream I had of you 3 months back, at a time when I was like an elevator cut loose, falling and falling.

In my dream, I was with all my friends, laughing, waiting for you to come pick me up.

I think we were all at east coast park.

I remember feeling that my heart was so full and I remember feeling so happy cos I knew you were on the way to meet me.

Then I got a phone call from your best friend.

Naturally I was surprised cos it's an unexpected call.

So I picked up and I remember hearing this note in my voice that sang.

He said you were on your way to meet me and I told him I already know.

Then he said you've met with an accident cos you were trying to avoid hitting a cat on the road and a car hit your bike.

I laughed but then I heard his voice crack and he said you're dead.

I remember I dropped the phone.

I woke up crying.

It was a dream but when you told me about your accident two nights ago, a part of me wished my dream was real.

And that you're dead instead.

So that the story ends here and the pain I still feel, its because of a real reason.

A real logical and rational reason.

Not this irrational, never ceasing thing I feel half the time I think of you.

If I'm honest to myself, I've never gone a day in these 3 months without thinking about you at least once.

Well, the good thing is the times are getting lesser.

so hopefully by promos, I'll forget you totally and completely.

Just that once

I'm waiting for nad to come online so we can do PW.

which is a pain in the ass. PW that is.

I just can't wait until its over at the end of the year.

Speaking of which, its already September.

That is freaking fast.

Where the hell did all the time go??

promos is in 3 weeks.

someone just kill me now.

I just know that the VP isn't going to make any changes whatsoever to the exam schedule so that the 6 of us (out of the whole school cohort that is) taking MT lit, EL lit and History as a our H2 subjects will have to take them all in one day.

Since we're expected to write essay after essay for each paper, I can roughly estimate a total of 10 pages per paper which equals to 30 pages in total.

no shit.

and of course since each paper is a 3 hour paper, that will mean we will have to sit on our asses for 9 bloody hours.

Like seriously, that's really really logically doable.

like real.

I am not going to take 3 h2 subjects in one day.

that is just totally crazy and noone in their right minds will be able to perform well after 9 grueling hours of papers.

The VP is totally out of her mind if she thinks she's gonna make us do this.

There are some that can fall in love over and over again.

And there are some that can only seem to do it once.

I don't think I can do it over and over again.

cos it only seems like I can ever do it once.

aku kasihkan H. aku sygkan N. but he, he's a different story.

And So I Didn't Save It

It's already 1 in the morning.

And I can't sleep.

Due to the same old reason why I can't sleep since the past 2 almost close to 3 months.

I'm really hoping I'll be able to sleep well soon cos this has got to freaking stop.

I mean I've got to freaking stop it la.

Hmm, I don't think anyone other than dilah really remembers.

I think know everyone else has just assumed that I've forgotten.

And that's good.

I like it better this way.

It's easier for me too.

I don't know you anymore.

I don't recognise the person staring back at me.

I don't have any idea what's going on in your life.

I don't know where I stand anymore.

I just don't know.

cos we might as well be strangers for all I know of you now.