Igniting that dying fire in me

I'm at the school library as I'm typing this.

Its freaking cold and pretty quiet.

The J2s are having their Prelim 2 exam so there's almost no one studying in the library.

Me and naz have decided to go on a study marathon from now onwards which in other words means that we're gonna discipline ourselves and study until around 8.45 here in the library.

o.0

That also means that we're going to sacrifice puasa as in the buka part of puasa.

Maybe like buy snacks to buka with before going home to eat.

Damn that's a huge sacrifice. -_-

The exams are looming and everyone's feeling the pressure.

Some of us are crumbling inside, under the cover of that mask we hide behind.

I'm doing all I can to keep myself from having a complete nervous breakdown or a panic attack.

I can't afford one right now.

There's no time.

I need to ignite that dying fire in me.

It rained again today and as always, my mood will turn pretty reflective.

It just occured to me how we are all playing out the politics of friendship, and how things can change in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you're just a pawn in a large game you can't comprehend.

Equilibriums of even the strongest friendships just crack and fall, defeated in a flash; you can't and will never anticipate such a thing happening and yet it does.

The best thing you can do for yourself when such a thing happens is, to not lose your sight. You can lose your reason, hell, you can even lose your person but you can never close your eyes to the world.

Because if you do, you're gonna get vanquished.

I see you going about with people you were never all that close to.

And all because your own words render you silent, encapsulating you in this cocoon of silence where you are sure no heart will ever bleed because their owners set alight what you've said.

You watch your every move, deliberating over every small step you take cos hell you don't ever want to repeat that same mistake.

You don't want to be faced with a wall of resistance and the four-letter word hate.

Somehow your silence presses in on me, and whenever you're around, its the only thing I can hear clearly.

How you've changed. What have you rendered yourself to?

And you, you lost your reason and so you took the easy way out. You ran away.

Thinking you can carve a better life out for yourself.

But you don't realise friendship is like an umbilical cord of a baby.

It feeds you with nutrients and when its cut off, its time for you to fend for yourself, find a footing, get a good grip.

And so you ran.

To the only other person who you think can heal your wounds and fill in that void, that empty abyss you feel.

Who makes you forget past hurts and pains and so you bind yourself to another.

Another umbilical cord then.

How can you not realise and see that umbilical cords can wind themselves around your neck, choke you, starve oxygen off you until you can't breathe.

What are you doing to yourself? What are you thinking?

As for you, you willingly sacrifice yourself like a candle, burning steadily so that the other can find her way. So that the other doesn't feel pain.

Sometimes you go to all lengths and you forget the other patient guiding stars that are lighting your way.

You concentrate all your energy on picking her up yet your forget that she has to learn how to pick herself up.

You mend her heart but you forget that she needs to learn how to do that by herself so she can ensure her survival in a world where everything is politics.

You give her a reason out, a reason to forget.

You piece her back together but at what price?

And what's gonna happen when enlightenment settles in and she decides you're 2nd best.

What's gonna happen then?

And then comes you.

Time to you is relative.

You inch closer to a person who knows so little of you because you wanna feel safe.

But you refuse to see that there are others out there, just for you.

You gained knowledge but you haven't learned how to use that knowledge to your advantage, to salvage the tattered shreds of a friendship.

You let it float away, thinking it is a strong bond that will never and can never be severed.

But you forget that humans are not dolls or puppets that can be used only when you wish to play.

you forget because there's a part of you that thinks this bond will always be there.

That it will never waver.

That I will never waver.

But I'm wavering, pushed along by waves of time and pushed along by you,by the words that you say and don't say and by the things that you do and don't do.

And there's nothing that will stop me from getting pushed along to a different sea, a different ocean.

I wish you'd remember so you can stop me.

But I know that you're never going to remember.

At least not in time.

The sad thing is, if I'm honest to myself, I'd feel so relieved if you're the one who is pushed away instead.

If by some fatal turn of circumstances, you get left behind because then I won't have you haunting me like how you are now.

I've only got this to say to you ; I'm sorry for everything that I did and didn't do.

And I'm truly sorry for the way this turned out.