Screw it all

If I'm truly honest to myself, I want to screw up promos.

Just not study at all, screw it up and then withdraw at the end of the year, get a job and go on to take mass comm at TP.

It's not about being a pessimist, I need to be realist.

This year has been hard, harder than I expected.

I'm struggling to even achieve decent grades, inclusive of the subjects that I'm supposed to be good at.

I'm struggling to keep my mind sane and such.

The thought of going through it all again next year at an even higher degree scares the shit out of me.

I don't want to put myself through all that again.

The more important thing is whether I'm strong enough to go through all of it again.

I know I can but I don't want to take that risk.

The risk of putting myself through circumstances that will incur a relapse and make me fall through the ice again.

Last year almost killed me if not for my strong suport system.

I think if the same thing happened again next year, it'll be so much harder to pick myself up.

Right now, I'm thinking things that I shouldn't even be thinking about.

And that's bad cos you never know when I might just go and do something stupid again.

I wanna make sure I'm not in any compromising position or circumstance that will catalyse that.

I'm not saying that if I go to poly, I'd be stress free.

But I know that I'd be less stressed out and honestly, that's all that matters.

I know that I can get through poly okay enough and I still can make it to University after.

If you think about it,

even if I do get promoted, there's no guarantee that I'll go to university especially with the local competition from all the people from the top JCs and all that.

Then if that happens, I can't go anywhere with an A level cert.

At least if I go to poly and don't go on to a university, I can still get a job with my diploma.

God, I'm leaning so much to the screw promos side.