All that you can't leave behind

New year's eve. gosh, how fast time passed.

seems jus lyk yesterday it was new year's eve of last yr.

2005 wasnt 2 bad.

of course dere's e ups n downs bt hey, i got thru it quite ok. :)

i made more frens , got closer 2 e ones i always got, got a fab class... :)

My new year's resolution;

1. Try 2 b more money-wise n nt spend lyk dere's not tomorrow on stuff dat i dun even remember buying.

2. Try 2 b more organised n umm, work harder?

3. Get reali wasted by next new year's eve

4. Try not 2 b sarcastic [ oh wait, dat'll never happen so scrap dat. :) ]

5. Cut carrots 4 my hamsters by end of jan wifout freaking out.

so yea, dats abt it.

bt i reali dont c y i still bother 2 make resolutions. i'll always 4get abt em after a mnth or so.

haha.

bt wateva, dey're supposed 2 motivate me 2 improve myself n my life 4 e benefit of those that have 2 b ard me most of the times. *grinns*

I'm listening to jimmy eat world. love em.

I don't feel the way I've ever felt.

I know.

I'm gonna smile and not get worried.

I try but it shows.

Anyone can make what I have built.

And better now

Anyone can find the same white pills.

It takes my pain away.

[Chorus]It's a lie.

A kiss with open eyes

And she's not breathing back.

Anything but bother me.

(It takes my pain away)Nevermind these are hurried times.

Oh oh oh I can't let it bother me.

Lurve dat song. :)

*slaps self hard* fi, u idoit, ur supposed 2 b doing sums n equations!

still got 30 qns 2 go. :)

sigh. did e inventor of maths n algebra ever realise dey're ruining life 4 us poor students in e future?

guess not.

Oh wells, ta ppl.

Happy New Year!!

It's not always about you

Ergh. Had an epitome [love dat word.] of all freaking bad days.

started out e same as every other day; i got up n watched a whole series of tv shows.

run of the house.

life with bonnie.

8 simple rules to date my teenage daughter.

designer guys.

debbie travis's facelift.

den went out 2 get sch shyt.

robbed my dad of 26 bucks.

den wen 2 cut my hair.

ergh.

den reali turn out e way i expected it 2 b.

n damn, dey had a freaking offer 4 hair straightening n rebonding.

2 gd a deal 2 pass up.

bt nooooo, mum just has 2 decide dat she has more important tings [yeah lyk tissue paper. watever happened 2 e boxes of tissue paper in e store i wonder?] 2 let me spend e 50 bucks dat dad delegated 2 me 4 my haircut.

she ws being downright ergh abt it.

i mean, god, its my money so its my choice nt urs.

she's still insisting i shld go to JB n rebond my hair.

yeah, wen? next century?

hellooo. O's next yr. unless she wans me 2 nt do dat well den fine wif me, we cn go 2 fucking JB every single bloody day.

sigh.

e ting dat pisses me off is dat she always always tinks she's right even if shes nt.

n jus cos she's fucking pms-ing doesnt mean she cn take it out on my hair. wtf.

n sis jus has got 2 make tings worse.

jus cos she might[notice the usage of word here] be pms-ing, dats nt an excuse 2 treat me lyk im her dog or sth.

sumone shld fucking spank her more cos she nds it.

ergh.

im nt in e mood ryt nw so watever.

wanna get fucking wasted.

still havent toked 2 naddie abt it. sori girls.

im going 2 go nw. shall go n disturb nikki or mira or sumbody so i cn rant my heart out.

hrmph.

You gotta go there to come back

Had an eye-opening convo wif my sis dis morning at 5?

I cldn't sleep so i went out 2 get a drink n found her in e kitchen, snacking on cereal.

sumhow, i dun quite noe how, we started toking.

trivial stuff at 1st u noe.

sch.

movies.

music.

dat kinda shit.

n den suddenly, out of e blue, IT came up.

coming frm my sis, dis ws huge i suppose.

normally, she skirted ard e topic.

oh yes, she knew bt she always nvr made a single comment abt it. at least nt outright.

maybe she thot i was old enuff 2 govern my own life.

well, wateva it is, she mentioned IT so casually, u'd haf thot she ws toking abt the weather.

"Aren't u afraid ppl wld notice?" She asks me, suddenly sounding very much like how an 11 yr old kid wld sound like. "I mean, i notice."

I shrugged.

Bt, she posed a gd qns.

Arent i afraid ppl wld notice?

no.

i don't. at least now i don't.

i suppose i ws afraid ppl wld notice couple of yrs back.

cos u noe, nobody likes 2 b treated lyk dey haf an alien mutation disease on their face or sth.

bt now?

im nt afraid. Y shld i be?

it was a ting of e past. n i sincerely hope it stays in e past.

still, dat doesnt stop me frm noticing.

it cld just be a simple gesture of pulling down one's sleeve, of hiding one's left wrist behind one's back or out of sight.

i notice. n i know. n seeing e scars dat arent inflicted by me on me,

sumhow helped me 2 realise dat im nvr alone in dis godforsaken struggle.

n dat dere will always b ppl out dere hu'll give me support.

so here i take dis opportunity 2 thank veri special ppl in my life dat have always been dere, giving me support n having e faith in me.

thank u;

nikki 4 always listening 2 me n cheering me up.

snam 4 always being dere 4 me 24/7.

jellie 4 believing n having faith in me.

nissa 4 understanding n listening.

ira 4 being my sister.

n 2 everyone else hu've indirectly given me strength.

:)

On a lighter note,

i can't wait 2 get back 2 sch.

in a sick twisted kinda way, i'm actuali looking forward 2 it. :)

dat other den e fact dat i nd 2 exercise my sarcasm as i seem 2 b losing my touch.

(it's reali no fun wen i cant even retort e simplest retorts. hrmph.)

Well, i just like 2 think dat my sarcasm is on holiday in hawaii. yupps. :)

N i can't wait 2 watch elizabethtown.

musn't deny myself another chance 2 gush n go utterly ballistic over orli. :)

so if u are nt gonna appreciate me gushing n squealing e enitre movie, dont catch it wif me ok.

Oh, i jus rmbr a funi incident wen i ws on holiday in china,

ting is, wen ur in a cold place, u kinda nd 2 pee more often.
so yeah, i ws on e train 2 beijing n i went 2 pee.

n den i realised dere ws lyk smokish-vapour shit tingy around me.

so i ws lyk huh?! wtf?

den i realised dat my pee was smokin!!

lolz.

i suppose it works e same way as wen u exhale n vapour comes out of ur nose.

i ws so tickled by it dat i started laughing n went out of e toilet laughing my head off.

dis old man waiting 4 his turn 2 go in n c his pee smoke (eww.im sori bt dats jus gross. lolz.), looked at me lyk i was utterly crazy n just escaped frm an asylum.

duh, i laughed harder.

den i bounded up 2 my sis n proclaimed; "Ira! Guess wat! My pee was smoking!!!

When bad conversations happen to good people...

Went to sch just now. had 2 buy sch uni.

Met up wif Omi n Loll.

After lunch at PP, headed off 2 e lib.

Need 2 check on dat article abt trading in my nano for a video so i cn gif it 2 loll 4 her 16th.

found e goddamn article.

it was in e 11 december copy.

so naturally, i called e shop 2 enquire u noe.

and thus my convo wif e salesgirl.

Salesgirl: Hi. Good Afternoon. How can I help u?

Me: Umm...Hi, can I enquire about the trading in my iPod Nano for an iPod Video?

Salesgirl: Uh, u haf 2 pay. its not trade-in just lyk dat.

Me: (I was so tempted 2 say 'duh! i noe dat' bt, unfortunately, controlled my mouth.) Er, yeah. I haf 2 top-up abt 100 bucks ryt?

Salesgirl: No! No. Umm, ur nano is 4 GB? if it is den we normally take it in 4 200 bucks.

Me: umm...ok. So I'll have to top up how much exactly for a 30GB iPod video?

Salesgirl: Umm, lets c, e 30GB iPod video costs that much so i'd say u'd haf 2 pay about $348.

I was lyk huh?! wat e hell. u actuali wan me 2 trade-in my nano 4 onli 200 bucks?!??? it costs 438 bucks ok. ergh.

so my plan 2 get Loll e iPod video has apparently gone down e drain. sori Loll. *shruggs*

Finally sort of worked out wat 2 get nissa. :)

hehe.

Yesterday was fun. went out wif Loll and Jell. easy-going kinda day.

Loved e coffee at TCC(The Coffee Connoisseur).

Shall try out Coffee Club next tym. :)

i love my coffee. Did i mention dat? lolz.

Oh, i remember wen we were at TCC;

Jellie apparently can't hold down her coffee.wonder wat will happen wen she loses it?
she got horny. and high. haha.

well, dats nt reali a huge surprise seeing as how her coffee had chocolate in it and both are aphrodisiacs.

started sprouting out stuff.lolz.

n i swear e women directly behind us was almost gonna get e heart attack or sth. i mean, her eyes was bulging and all n she looked lyk she's seen a ghost or sth.

i was enjoying her expression e whole tym we were toking.

lolz...we may look innocent by we're so not. so dere.

damn. im freaking broke n e complete season 1 of One Tree Hill's out.

N i can't get it!!!

*sobs*

i reali reali reali want it.

someone get it 4 me as an advance b'dae prezzie cn?

i'll love u forever if u do.

:)

Ok, i've just realised i've babled e entire post. shld stop now.

so ta.

i'm outta here.

What dreams are made off

Was thinking. abt e future u noe.

scary.

bt yeah, u still gotta tink abt it sumtyms.

so i thot and thot and thot.

everytym sumone asks me "wat do u want 2 b wen u grow up?"

My answer always changes.

bt its always sth 2 do with writing or languages or sth of dat sort.

lyk dat one tym i said i wanted 2 b a linguist and learn all e languages dere is in e entire world.

bit ambitious of me. heh.

now, it amuses me 2 tink back 2 my enthusiasm n gusto as i proclaimed dat.

and e look of incredulity i got in return is hilarious now dat i tink abt it. :)

den again, its onli natural dat i do sth dat i love ryt?

i mean i dun wanna b stuck in a job dat i hate n b miserable.

now dat i've sort of reached e crossroad in my life where i get 2 decide my future, i'm tinking i gotta tink hard.

n im tinking dat i'll definately, without a doubt go into writing. journalism 2 b exact.

so since i knew wat i want 2 be, now comes e part where i gotta decide where to go next.

n suddenly, JC doesn't seem 2 appeal 2 me at all.

i noe ppl expect me 2 go 2 a good JC n enter a good Uni n get a good degree.

well, my mum does n so does my entire assembly of aunts, uncles and cousins.

but reali, if u tink abt it, JC is jus an extension of Sec Sch. studying and more studying.

u get wat i mean ryt?

n reali, im nt e kind 2 sit myself down n devote hours and hours studying subjects im nt even remotely interested in. like maths 4 example.

in short, im nt a study kinda person. period.

so y nt opt 4 poly?

sure, i'll get dat "u'r frm a gd sch n u wan 2 go 2 poly?"

at least i got dat frm my mum and dad wen i broached e subject last tym.

but like always, im gonna defy them. :)

2 bad, their lil girl isn't going 2 go JC. fullstop. get over it.

i've planned it all out. i tink.

i'll study hard 4 O's, get myself in2 Ngee Ann Polytechnic and take Mass Communications.

Den, i'll pursue a degree in print journalism at an Aust. Uni.

so dats e plan. 4 now.

hu noes it cld change 2 a uni in UK or sth.

althou studying in UK is kinda lyk a faraway dream 4 me.

An Aust. Uni is kinda more reality-ish.

bt e poly's definately staying.

hmm..wonder wat my mum wld say. ;)

Love is watching someone die

Was in another one of my many reflective and stoner moods just now.

Love is watching someone die.

Hmm.

Everyone views love in a diff way.

but love in general can b depicted in dat one sentence.

2 me at least.

cos sometimes, u don't realise you love a person or how much u love them until dey're gone and dey won't come back.

and sometimes, you mask ur love with hatred.

u say u hate a person bt in reality u dun realise dat u reali dun.

cos ur love for dat person has been buried under layers and layers of hatred dat burns frm within.

n den e love resurfaces at e most unexpected time; wen its 2 late.

wats my point?

my point is dat give ppl a chance.

love them n let them love u.

cos u nvr noe wen dey'll b taken away frm u.

yupps.

aniwaez, im supposed 2 do a quiz ryt?

so yeah.

5 random tings abt me;

1. i cant slp at nite without my teddy. so wen i go slp, Mr. Tofty has to b with me. :)

2. i love reading scripts. doesnt matter wat kind; movie screenplays, plays, transcripts. i love em all. sure, sumtyms i'll noe e plot b4 i actuali see e movie bt hey, i like it aniwaez.

3. i have dis looooong list of potential blog titles dat i collect. so wen i blog, i'll just pick one.

4. i haf dis ting for guys wearing glasses. geeks? i dunno. lolz. dey're jus cute. :)

5. i slp wif e comforter/blankie pulled ryt up 2 my chin even if its freaking hot jus so the ghosts and demons n what-nots cant stranggle me in my slp.

ok. done. 5 random tings abt me. :)

sch starts soon. damn.

hmm...u noe, on 2nd thot, mayb i'll go 2 poly instead.

oh wells, c how it goes.

*shruggs*

Just like a pill

Its one of those days when i just want to curl up under my blanket.

Its one of those days when i just want to hug my teddy tight.

Its one of those days when i wish i was someone else, living an alternate life.

Its one of those days that i cant breathe cos it hurts.

Its one of those days when i need IT so badly, i'll break.

15 minutes.

dat's e time limit i've given myself.

if i still crave IT, i'll do it.

5 more minutes b4 my time is gonna b up.

challenge myself 2 last another 15.

challenge myself 2 last the night.

challenge myself 2 last the week.

and the next.

and the next after dat.

someone once said to me: "It's just like a pill. It makes you more ill before it makes u well."

I hate myself 4 wanting it.

4 pining and craving 4 it.

4 nt forgetting abt it.

4 nt forgiving them.

and 4 nt forgiving myself.

that dream i had of u scared me.

it hurts most that i'm losing u.

n dat i cant col u n tok 2 u like i used 2.

Time's up.

I'll last another 15 minutes.

I have to.

China

Heyya. I'm back!

frm china dat is.

got back dis morning at ard 4.30?

yupps

aniwae, i'll jus run thru my trip aightz.

Day 1:

A group of abt 36 of us met at Changi airport ard 11? flight was at 2. aniwaez, cute guys alert. lolz. got on e plane n arrived at beijing at 8.30. e moment i stepped onto e connecting tunnel tingy frm e plane, dis freaking cold gust of wind hit me full on e face thru dis miniscule crack. OMG. worse den e freezer. we met Alex, our tour guide n he brought us 2 dinner. Nt so bad reali. ppl keep telling me i'll haf 2 eat congee n veggies. nt true. e food was quite nice. :) aniwaez, after dinner, we checked in 2 e Bao Ding hotel n had a good night's rest.

Day 2:

We met at e lobby at 7 in e morning 2 go 4 breakfast. after dat we headed over 2 Tian'an men square. we walked along e length of it 2 reach e forbidden city. i tink dat was e coldest day in all e days i was in China. i was actuali shivering. didnt haf a proper duck feather jacket so had 2 make do with dis flimsy one. my neck n ears were frozen n i actuali had 2 use a sweater as a scarf. lolz. one of e guys, e cuter one(2 me la), was actuali tearing. stupid of him reali. he was onli wearing 2 layers of sweaters. aniwaez, we entered e forbidden city. its damn huge. 20 football fields or sth. walked a long way. stopped for starbucks. :) ended up at the other side n went to the summer palace. veri nice view. e lake was all frozen. i tried 2 walk on e ice bt i fell n developed sum sort of a phobia. :) next stop was dis pearl place tingy. nice stuffs. i bought a bracelet n ring. after dat we visited silk place. next stop was the traditional medcine university where we were all given 'checks' by doctors dere. i was told i got anemia thus all e migraines n headaches. :) n finally a cheap market place in a mall. i got my jacket. its pretty. wif fur trimmings ard e hoodie. :). e guys bought terrorist hoods. u noe, e kind dat covers ur whole face bt wif holes for ur eyes, nose n mouth? yupps. finally learned their names. Syahir(cuter one) and nasrul. :)

Day 3:

1st stop; jade place. bought a simple braclet. dad n mum decided 2 go as a pair or sth n bought jade rings. even grandmummy joined in. after dat was the trip to the world wonder. the climax of e trip. The Great Wall. majestic view. took my breath away. its lyk im on top of the world u noe? me n mum climbed up. all was fine. i was aiming 2 reach e third stage so i cn get a certificate bt nope. i looked down, got scared n cldnt move. had 2 literally crawl down. lolz. Nasrul was flounting his certificate ard. his reali funi. even thou he's nt as cute as Syahir, his character n charm made up 4 it. :) den, we headed over to the crystal place. OMG, e amethyst necklaces were so pretty! bt dad refused 2 let me buy any. hrmph. my sis got pulled in all directions by my grandmum n mum n Nek Yam. shes e residential fashion expert. literally everyone ask her opinion first. cos if she says its ugly, its ugly. if she says its nice, its nice. honestly, she shld charge 4 her service. after dat we went for more shopping bt e mall we went to; dere was no bargain. :( so sad. if not, normally, we bargained until 3/4 or more of e actual price. good deal. :)

Day 4:

1st stop was the nanshan ski resort. e snow dere is man-made thou it hardly mattered cos it was too cold 4 e snow 2 melt aniwaez. i admit, i was a teensy bit nervous cos i've never gone skiing before ryt, n remembering e disastrous tym i 1st tried out ice-skating, i was actuali expecting 2 break my leg. lolz. bt it was ok. only fell abt 4 tyms or so. it was a lil hard at 1st. my legs didnt seem 2 want to cooperate with me. got e hang of it after a few minutes. fun! i love skiing. :) spent abt 3 hrs dere. of course i cld only try e beginners slope. e guys did e advanced slope. bt Nasrul didnt noe how 2 turn. so he always ended up at the side.lolz. syahir was a pro. after skiing, we went 2 e tea house. very interesting. dere's dis device, its called a pee-pee boy. damn cute. its made out of clay n its used 2 check e temperature of e water. if e water's hot enough, the boy actuali pees. lolz. damn funi. Nasrul stole some dried rose petals. he gave me one. :). found out his age thou. he's 15 next yr. syahir's a year younger. so much so 4 looks being deceiving. (i thot syahir was 17! yikes.) he n syahir became my sort or 'step-brother'. lolz. next was more shopping. i bought puma shoes n t-shirts. e shoes are nice nice. cost me only 14 s'pore bucks. lolz.n den my family, kak muna n kak mar, along wif e guys n their family took a 12-hr train ride 2 xi'an.

Day 5:

arrived at xi'an. immediatly checked in n had breakfast. damn nice. :) den headed over to c e terracotta warriors. emperor qin shi huang , created a massive tomb when he died. he wanted 2 b supreme ruler even in the afterlife so he built dis underground city dat spans over 1560 football fields. but only 3 pits have been uncovered. and all over them are of terracotta warriors, the emperor's own army. yupps. den we visited dis fruit shop tingy. nasrul almost gave his mum a heart attack wen he bought a coloured dragon lighter. e earful she gave him. goodness. after she's done, syahir's dad started berating him abt it. syahir n his sis was laughing. n his other sis, filza was toking her head off 2 me. literally everything under the sun. n so ends another day in china.

Day 6:

1st stop was the defence wall ard e city of xi'an. nt much dat interests me dere. next stop was the stone tablet museum. its a collection of letters, documents, poems n such dats been carved on huge slabs of stones. its much like being in a library. except its books are all made entirely of stone. amazes me how e olde writers and poets carve such intricate carvings. every word was carved with exact precision and care. after a walk thru e museum, we headed over to the bell tower. nearly everyone stayed on the bus at this stop. only me, my mum, my sis, nasrul's mum n kak muna went down. everybody else was down with either fever, flu or headaches or their feet were aching 2 much.

Day 7:

next we visited e mosque. its a mosque made chinese style. meaning 2 say dat its structure was no different den dat of e temples. e way dere was stock full of little shops selling tidbits and goodies. i finally bought chopsticks. :) n added a couple more things to my collection. next was the drum tower. i was 2 tired 2 properly enjoy the tower. n den it was off 4 another 12 hr train ride back 2 beijing 4 our last n final day. i think i prefer beijing to xi'an. yuppz. i cldnt sleep on e train. wen i finally did, weirdly, i had dis dream of nikki n mira. hmm.

Day 8:

e guys wanted 2 go 2 e great wall again so we went dere bt dis tym, i stayed in e cafe. drank coffee. yummy. after that we went for more shopping at another market. i was a lil pissed cos it wasnt e market dat we last went to so dere was lesser tings dere dat i liked. dere was dis particular shirt dat i liked bt i cldnt find it at dis market. its on special request frm nasrul's mum hu wanted 2 buy table cloths. yes. of all things 2 buy in china, tablecloths. *shakes head*. her table tops are all bare i suppose. aniwaez, had 2 rush back 2 e airport 4 flight back 2 s'pore.

n so ends my trip 2 china.

yupps.

its jus sad dat it didnt snow.

i so wanted 2 c snow falling.

bt nope.

sigh.

in actual fact, it was alrdy supposed 2 be snowing in beijing.

bt guess im nt lucky.

oh wellz, dere's always next yr. :)

goodness, its real good 2 b back. ;)

ok, ta.

lotsa lurve.

Goodbye singapore, Hello China

Hey. I'm at e airport currently.

waiting 2 board e flight.

using free internet.

so yeah.

miss u all alrdy la.

i noe u'll miss me 2 ryt? :)

take lotsa care.

Snam: Take care darl. Look after urself. Wish all e best 2 u n ur boo. :) miss u alrdy. love.

Nikki: Take care sweetie. I'll try abt e chem tingy k. cant promise u anyting tho. miss u alrdy.love.

Jellie: Hey ya. I did msg u wat. yest rmbr? lol. u take care of urself. n thnx 4 everyting yeah.love.

Nissa: Hey girl. Take care of urself yeah? go shop lots yeah? love

Jack: Yo. U ah, rmbr 2 chill in e fridge on the iceberg tau. all e best.love

Omi: Hey dear, take gd care of urself k? dun stress 2 much. All e best. Sori im nt gonna b here 4 u.love

shaf: hey girl. take care. n rmbr, u owe me a story tau. love

Ok, i onli got abt 2 mins left so i gotta end dis now.

dun wori, i'll get u all stuff frm china k?

ta.

take care.

The pros and cons of breathing

Guess this is my last post b4 i leave tmr.

Will miss everyone dearly.

n i noe u all will miss me 2 :)

Yesterday, i got hit by realisation.

thank u 4 telling me all dat.

bt i dun noe whether i cn forgive and forget just yet.

i gotta deal wif my own skeletons 1st.

n dats gonna take up every ounce of me left.

cos its nt easy. n it's nt gonna b anymore easier.

i noe dat.

sumtyms i wish i was lyk u.

so strong.

so full of self-restraint.

so everything i'm not

sumtyms i wish i'm not so pessimistic.

i wish.

u said it urself.

i'm a ppl-dependant kinda person.

sigh.

will all this ever stop?

i dunno.

aniwaez, to all those who SI[self-injure] or used 2 SI or know ppl hu SI,

dere's a link on here dat might help.

i hope it helps.

wish u all e best.

Lots of love.

Remember, you are never alone.

Message in a bottle

Qoutes that tickled me:

Mira: Who am i supposed to talk to when your're in China?

Me: Tok 2 nikki la.

Mira: Ala, bt bt it's not e same!

------------------

1 week later,

Nikki: Who am i gonna tok 2 at nyt wen ur in China?

Me: tok 2 mira la

Nikki: Ala, bt its nt e same!

------------------

Nikki: wat if i kempunan [craving] 4 u wen ur away?!???

Me: umm...

Nikki: So must must MUST meet on mon!

------------------

Grandma: Ni, nenek beli topi. kan nanti sejuk.

[ here, i bought snow hat. later it'll be cold]

Me: Nek, nenek pakai mcm orang potong rumput!

[ gran, wen u wear e hat, u look lyk e guy cutting grass!]

-------------------

Sis: Looks like somebody left their bracelet.

Me while taking bracelet: Well, somebody has taken somebody's bracelet.

[sis eats chocolate]

Dad : And somebody want some chocolate!

--------------------

Me: Im hungry! my stomach's tummy-achey-grumbly-grumbly.

Sis: Well, ur giving me a head-achey-pain-pain

---------------------

Funny ah how lil tings make me laugh these days.

N i realise dat im not missing. im actuali pining.

4 hu else?

bt my frens.

lolz

n i still need a winter jacket!

if nt i'll turn in2 a popsicle icicle. :)

Dunno. dere's dis sale at white sands.

28 bucks.

prob is, its nt gonna b warm enuff.

so dad says see whether his colleague ,whose in China now, has a jacket dat cn fit me.

if nt, he'll get me dis super duper nice black long-ish kind of jacket.

its nice. it even has dis hoodie with little bit of fury fluffly tingy on e tip.

super cool.

bt it comes with a super nice price tag 2.

:)

n n my grandmother got leather gloves.

cool.

ws gonna borrow dis leather jacket she found. u noe lyk e kind bikers wear?

sooo nice bt 2 heavy 2 bring dere.

i'll freeze b4 i even put it on!

lolz

k la,

im signing off.

Good nyt wonderful world.

Lots of love.

My heart is the worst kind of weapon

My heart is the worst kind of weapon

And your words are your bullet

You shoot them straight at me and i can't duck, i can't hide

I gotta take them standing up

I gotta smile and pretend I don't hear you

Why do you torture me so?

Keep me tightly bound in your thorned chains

hurt me again and again

step on my heart, break it

i can say i don't care animore

Its no wonder I hate you.

Way to go mum. way to go dad.

going out again 2dae.

gonna go get snow hat tingy 4 my sis.

hope dey dun make a freaking scene dere 2.

i dun need ppl staring at us

i dun need e assumptions.

i reali dun.

im so tired of always having 2 disengage myself

im sick of making excuses 2 ppl

sometimes, i jus wish dey'd accept dat it's gone.

wat we had wont ever come back.

dat doesnt happen in life. n definately not in ours.

sigh

aniwaez,

ws supposed 2 go mira's hse wif nikki 2dae

bt nikki went on sudden trip 2 KL

she'll b back sat nite.

Thot i'd just drop by mira's hse aniwaez.

so i can escape from here

so i can excape from all these craziness

But mum wouldn't let me

sigh

reali wanna c em b4 i go china on tues

jus got news e trip's extended till e 21st.

so its either i c em quick on mon

need 2 get my cds back frm nikki aniwae

OR

i c em wen sch re-opens.

yupp.

dat oso means i gotta start my hw.

60 freaking qns

wat is e world cuming 2?

i'll prob do a bit of it.

i predict i'll haf a lil prob wif e rest. :)

wat wif no more tuition.

probs between abg Dan and kak Ann n all.

nadia's working.

lucky girl. get extra cash. mus get her 2 treat me sth.

gotta persuade her 2 help me wif my hw shyt soon 2.

k.

im out of here.

ta ppl.

Take my breath away

Yesterday was ok-ish.

went winter shopping.

Dad and mum as usual made a scene in e middle of e shop

Wat did i do?

shake my head and walk away.

its jus one of those tyms dat remind me y i starkly dun belong.

Aniwaez,

I jus did a quiz on wat's your animal spirit.

My animal spirit: a Mongoose[huh?lolz]

The mongoose is the only animal that would risk life and limb for a loved one. The mongoose also uses its speed to escape danger when it finds itself in a tight spot. According to shamanistic wisdom, mongoose people value relationships over everything and are the most loyal of friends. This loyalty also carries over to ideas--mongoose people are very passionate about their beliefs and defend them at great cost.

Interesting analysis.

Some parts of it r true.

shruggs.

I wrote again yesterday.

honestly, i ws getting a bit worried

i havent written aniting in months

bt seems lyk i still got it in me. :)

Every night is another story

Welcome me into your world

Why hide behind your plastic smile?

Are you scared i'll find out your secret?

I already know, I already know

Show me what you've become, tell me you're proud

Tell me you love the person staring out at you

Do you?

Every night to you is another story

Another chapter in your book

Did you ever stop to think?

There's more to life than living on its brink

Maybe you can't take the pain

But is that the way to deal with it?

Hurt yourself not knowing you hurt others too?

Every night to you is another story

Another chapter in your book

Why am I not surprised?

Is that what I see?

Another scar bleeding your unhealed wounds

Do you like the way it looks?

Tell me not what I want to hear

Tell me what you want to hear

Cos everyone hurts

Everyone hurts

But did you ever stop to think?

There's more to life than living on its brink

I think i might have meant it to go out to me.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

1.55 am.

Wide awake.

I think maybe i drank 2 much coffee jus now.

yupps.

Be going 2 china next tues.

It's winter there so safe to say i'd freeze 2 death.

:)

My sis got her winter jacket. i havent.

she luks lyk a giant marshmellow.lolz

ergh.

having a hell of a tummy ache.

aniwaez, i ws jus tinking abt how i take sum things for granted.

Lyk wen one of my frens sms me gd nite n swit dreams.

i mean dere's ppl out dere hu dun haf dat privilage to feel loved.

Lyk the poor children in pakistan.

dey dun haf any1 hu wishes em a gd nite n 2 haf swit dreamz ryt?

I tink in life, it's lil tings lyk dat dat matters.

cos dey're reali e ones we take 4 granted e most.

am i making any sense?

argh. im missing everybody.

Snam: i miss ur patience. i miss ur perky bubbly self. i miss ur stories. i miss e sound of ur voice wen ur telling me a potentially confuzzling situation n confuzzling me. i miss ur smile dat always makes my day. i miss ur huggs. i miss u. love u.

Nikki: i miss ur constant company. i miss toking 2 u. i miss ur cuteness n ur pouts. i miss sharing my nano with u on e bus n u playing Letters to you on repeat. i miss messing up ur hair n watching u put it right. i miss u telling me the nonsensical ridiculous things u do . i miss u. love u.

Jellie: i miss ur concern. i miss ur sms-es. i miss u pouting n me giving in. i miss u hogging e cam. i miss ur hugs. i miss ur silly blurness n me having 2 explain 2 u.i miss ur silly winks. i miss u. love u.

Nissa: i miss ur prescence. i miss hearing u gush over fahrin n e way ur eyes light up wen u mention him. i miss u jus listening 2 my shyt n giving me support. i miss seeing u laugh until u cry. i miss u. love u.

Jack: i miss toking 2 u abt everything n anything. i miss u gushing over ed. i miss u turning tomato red when u blush. i miss ur rants. i miss ur sarcasm n ur frankness.i miss u. love u.

Omi: i miss ur bubly hyperness. i miss ur sudden mood swings n sulks. i miss u scolding me wen i get 2 irritating. i miss u taking care of me. i miss ur laughter. i miss u. love u.

I miss everybody else 2. i miss waiting at the toilet 4 nini n her whining. i miss nurul's stories n gestures. i miss shaf 's laughter n her smile. i miss bitching wif princess. i miss kat's hyperactive-ness. i miss all e crazy wacky niners. I miss a lot of ppl!

K la, ta. i'm off for a bit of reading. got abt 2 n a half more hrs 2 go b4 sleeping time. :)

Lots of love. Gd nyt world. swit dreamz.

Lost in Translation

Ah...finally i updated.

Been meaning to bt sumhow jus didnt get ard 2 it.

ws toking 2 nikki jus nw.

deep shit reali.

wat we were toking abt i mean.

ws gonna blog abt dat bt changed my mind.

cos halfway thru e convo, i got dis weird feeling

I wonder y i dun miss u. i mean i do. bt i dont. i dunno.

u noe dat kinds of feeling dat u noe ur supposed 2 feel sth bt den ur nt n ur feeling guilty cos ur nt feeling it?

am i making sense?

yeah. dat kinda feeling.

I'm scared.

cos im nt feeling dat feeling dat im supposed 2 feel.

sigh.

u noe, looking back, i realised dat i've changed. a lot.

things haf changed.

n dey'll continue changing.

n dat's e scary part.

or maybe its jus me.

maybe i just lost my way.

bt den again,

losing ur way on a journey is unfortunate

but losing ur reason for the journey, is a fate more cruel

guess i've found my answer; i lost my reason. n im veri sure u've lost urs 2.

Sometimes you wonder whether that feeling you're feeling is a bad omen of things to come

Running to stand still

Its yet another day of boredom.

honestly, im starting 2 nt lyk e hols veri much.

got woken up an hr earlier than i wanted 2 by mom

grandmommy ws cumin 2 visit.

n surprise surprise

she dragged my cousins along.

:)

havent seen em in abt a yr or so.

dey've grown up.

funi ting is, last tym, b4 all e irk-ness, i always had

dis notion dat i'll watch em grow up u noe.

bt guess i missed out.

bt it amazes me reali.

ws playing game of life wif em n sis

n afiq calculated money out pretty fast 4 a boy his age.

cool.

i'll see him having no probs wif maths n sciences. yupp.

got e brain 4 it.

he seems 2 have a fetish 4 malay 2. guess it runs in e family.

mayb he cn b a malay dude lyk me n sis.

n aziq seems 2 haf dis flair 4 languages.

see myself in him reali.

lolz.

ergh.

my eyes r itching wif tiredness.

slept close 2 5 yest.

watched OC followed by CSI n den tossed ard in bed till 5-ish.

tink my insomnia's jus got a hell lot worse.

aniwaez,

sori i havent been replying taggs so here goes:

Jell: hey! i miss ur sms-es 2. :) n btw, u r NOT fat. sheesh. tc. lurve.

Nissa: so sad u cant follow tmr. bt mayb next tym yeah? :) lurve.

Lollie: Hey! u tagged! lolz. c ya ard yeah? :)

Snam: hey. i miss u 2. :) tc. lurve

Sometimes you wonder whether family pride is all that important

Between order and randomness

It's only 4.35 pm n i'm alrdy bored.

sigh

want to go out bt mom's in a bitchy mood so gotta stick ard home.

urgh

Goin out on wed wif loll n jell n dunno hu else.

*journey to e west* or so jell-o says

shld b fun.

god i miss everyone.

nikki hu's diligently doing hw. god, dat girl nds sth else 2 do. :)

snam hu's pining 4 her guy 2 b hm frm wherever he went. she even has a countdown tingy goin on. lolz. tok abt being in love :)

lollie hu i bet is playing vid games wif her bro or watching him. yups. tok 2 her till 4 or sth few days ago. interesting convo thou. she's dead hyper at nyt. all bouncy n all. :)

omi hu's stuck sumwhere in malaysia. no fun. at least she gets 2 go on a holiday. i'm prolly stuck here till start of term. dad's plan 2 fly us 2 china kinda backfired wat wif probs wif his treasurer n all.

jellie. dun noe wat she's doing. prolly lounging ard watching tv n eating her brownies or smt.:)

Nissa. dunno wat she's doing either. shopping mayb? :)

n everyone else 2. :)

can't wait 2 c em soon. hopefully.

Aniwei, randomness;

"If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was."-Norman R. Augustine

seems dat i've been having a fetish 4 quotes lately. :)

Aniwei, haf been trying 2 figure dat out bt cant.

mayb my brains 2 muddled or smt.

Sis gave it a go 2.

heck, she even drew models n all. u noe lyk e kind u draw 4 maths back in pri sch.

bt still fail 2 grasp its true meaning.

so if anyone manages 2 figure dat out, explain 2 me yeah?

Sometimes you wonder whether you're all that you make yourself out to be

The truth doesn't make a noise

These few days have been a real eye-opener for me.

Now i noe hu reali truly care n hu's only pretending.

wat cn i say?

all these while i've blinded myself with illusions

now i've finally been granted sight.

i guess maybe i've jus been deluding myself all this while.

i knew bt i never wanted 2 listen

i thot if i kept denying it, it won't b true.

bt den again, it alrdy is

Surprisingly, i dun feel an ounce of misery

sure dere's e initial hurt

bt i got over it.

n sad 2 say, i'm nt missing anyting.

makes one wonder i suppse on how exactly the planetary divisions of frenships work.

Hmm.

I always knew. you're the one hu never wanted to see.

Guess ur ryt. always ryt.

Funny reali. The actual irony of it all.

Tried to protect u bt i failed miserably.

So u left?

Sad dat i dun actually miss u.

Hmm.

Well, now i noe;

The truth doesn't make a noise.

Sometimes, you wonder whether the person staring at you out of the mirror is who you really want to be

The trick is to keep breathing

Jalan rayer-ed jus now.

ws suppose 2 b us niners n sum of e eighters.

turned out 2 b the eighters n 3 sesat niners. lolz

was ok thou tiring.

suppose onli got myself n Ms. Nikki 2 blame.

slept at 3 sth. watched OC. :)

Seth n Summer so cute.

Reminds me of another couple. wonder who? :)

Aniwaez, ws stoning jus now as always.

thot about death.

i noe i noe.

bt hey, nt 2 wori, i dun wanna die yet.

i noe im nt e one hu decides wen im supposed 2 leave dis world.

bt i jus hope dat i get 2 do all e tings i wanna do.

Like;

Tour the world

Meet Orlando Bloom :)

get married 2 guy dat i love

haf my own kids

u noe, shyt lyk dat.

yeah. i mean life is precious ryt?

ting is, i've always realised dat bt its nt as thou wat i did ws becos i wan 2 die.

everytym i say i wan 2, i dun mean it.

cos i dun wanna die yet. its scary in e six feet deep hole.

n im reali nt ready 2 live dis world yet.

jus hope god knows dat.

Sigh. I still feel e hurt n pain.

i dun tink it'll ever go away.

bt im trying nt 2 tink n brood abt it.

yupps.

everytym i feel down, i'll jus haf 2 keep convincing myself dat i'll jus haf 2 get thru another day.

as in take a day at a tym u noe?

The trick is to keep breathing.

Sometimes, you wonder whether you're gonna live this world without a single regret

Quiet things that no one ever knows

It's been 5 days alrdy.

5 days only?

eh, it's a start. tau.

oh. yeah, it's a start. hey, i'm proud of u. tau. if u con't ryt, i'll b damn proud of u. reali.

-------------------

I need it. sigh.

rephrase dat. u don't need it. u miss it.

-------------------

I'm turning, i jus need to.

Hey, listen to me. u DUN reali. if u do it, i'll do it 2.

-------------------

Why do u haf 2 get mad at me?ur hurting me. cant u c?

Cos i noe u cn do better. n i've seen u suffer enuff.

------------------

i'm trying 2 stop. or so the story goes.

yeah dat i cn definately see. so stop it. cos every cut u make is lyk every burn i will make on myself.

u burn urself?

no la. i'm jus giving u an example of how u make others hurt wen u do wat u do.

-----------------

i feel guilty for pulling her in.

i feel guilty 4 pulling u n her in.

-----------------

ur nt ur own person. u hide behind e copycat of others.

isnt dis wat u told me last yr?

yeah. bt u havent changed.

-----------------

I don't wan u 2 change fi. i wan u 2 b urself which u arent. i dun noe hu e real fi is animore.

well, i dunno hu e real fi is either.

----------------

Y is everyting suddenly crashing down? fuck.

all dat happiness e last 2 weeks didnt last.

oh well. wat cn i say ryt?

stuff jus happens.

jus wish it wasnt all at e same tym.

Jellie

hey, im praying 4 u n him ok? u dun wori. tell me if u nd aniting tau. n DUN u fucking dare do aniting silly. TAU. love ya.

Nissa

Thanx 4 listening. ur a gr8 fren 2 haf. reali. take lotsa care. n rmbr u promised u'd try.

Mira

i'm sori.

Nikki

I'm sori. n i seriously do nt get y u had 2 say dat. bt its done so watevs.

Fungi

eh, i noe la i'm supposed 2 prasan it u asshole. bt nth ws wrong at dat tym ok? dats y im fucking asking u wat u mean. get it u idiot?

Sometimes, you wonder why your entire world suddenly topples over