All I Want For Christmas Is....

Once again, it's that time of the year.

I always regard Christmas as a personal reminder to me that the year is drawing to an end.

Naturally, I don't celebrate Christmas but it's a nice time of the year nonetheless.

Especially with the current weather.

And what with the happy vibes going around.

I'm waiting for Bani's call to confirm on whether we're going out or she's coming over.

I was thinking of going to town to see the Christmas lights but then I realised that it might be packed and most of the shops will be closed early since it's Christmas Eve.

Bea made me a good offer the other day I bumped into her.

I'm still debating on whether I should accept her offer of working at her work place.

It's a restaurant at the esplanade.

It has plenty of pros but I still gotta think about it.

Charlotte told me to try Cafe Cartel and Farhan said try Taka and Ashraf keeps telling me to work as a helper to pump oil into MRT trains for 12 bucks an hour. (FYI, MRT trains do NOT run on oil)

Irfan just said go out with him to find a job.

I'm leaving it till Tuesday.

If you're being technical, I already have one.

It's just my bad luck to get a job that's not only tiring, but krappy and also has racial discrimination.

Sure, it's a lot to work for 7.50 and hour but 12 hours straight for 6 days is insane.

Not to mention that I got "cheated"(I'm using the word loosely here.) by them twice already and I'm not about to make it a hat trick.

Besides, if I still can't get a job, I'll just help mom out at her new stall at Bartley Sec.

At least I get some to cover my phone bills and save a little for whatever I might need after postings next year.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to be Paris Hilton and not have to worry about money.

Missing everything that's anything

Today was a day for me to rekindle old friendships and meet people I haven't met in a long time.

Naturally i went out with Shaf again.

Seems that if i'm not out with her, I'm out with Bani.

Not that i mind.

It's just hard when everybody else is either working or on holiday.

And it doesn't help either that I still can't use my phone.

Meaning that I'm uncontactable.

I really need to get a proper job and not some BS stint in a factory.

I had lunch with Irfan who I vaguely remember from my first primary school.

He turned out to be a really nice guy and it was great getting to know him again after 8 or 9 years of no contact.

After lunch I left Shaf and her guy to go to whitesands.

The plan being to find a job there.

My plan failed miserably when I bumped into Bea.

She dragged me around, walking aimlessly and sipping bubble tea provided generously by her.

It hit me when I was being dragged around the entire first floor by an over-enthusiastic Beatrice whose high on honey green tea, that I really miss school.

I miss eating instant noodles at video world.

I miss bubble tea from the shop near the overhead bridge.

I miss lunch at banquet.

I miss studying in the freezing cold library.

I miss the line of girls primping in the toilets in between lessons and after school.

I miss going to my seat in the morning and getting good morning wishes from everyone around me.

I miss writing 6-way krappy stories during history and SS.

I miss running to get to the class line on time when the music starts.

I miss the music.

I miss the canteen food.

I miss the long bus rides home with the girls.

I miss lessons in general.

I miss not paying attention in class and then regretting it when a spring test springs up.

Basically, i miss all the hype and chaos but most of all, i miss the people especially those I haven't seen or heard from in a long time.

I miss;

Laughing to Asy's jokes and teasing her about James

Joking around or just plain talking to Bani

Gossiping and bitching with Bea

Writing stories and having "witty banter" with Gerry

Arguing on Johnny Depp, Steven Tyler and Orlando Bloom with Renee

Listening to Suriani's rant about her guy

Jillian's hugs and linking arms with her down the corridor

Charlotte's hyper babble during extra e-maths lessons

Trying to concentrate doing sums with Nicole

Mixing up chemicals and testing for gasses with Mabel

And so many other people.

I'm just missing eveything that's anything.

Searching for that breath of a dream

It's been raining on and off these past few days.

It's like the sky can't make up its mind on whether it should drench us mortals on earth or save us the trouble of whipping open battered umbrellas and pulling on warm sweaters.

My mood's kinda like that now.

I just can't seem to decide between melancholic emo or bubbly hyper-ness.

Right now, I'm more of the former.

Although it's a little more than just plain melancholic emo.

It's that same feeling I get from time to time.

That whole detached feeling that I can't describe no matter how hard I try.

I hate it when I get that feeling.

It makes me feel so hollow and empty inside.

And I know it's just a step away from the point where all the demons I try to run away from catches up with me.

I hope to intercept it before it happens.

There's this whole plethora of thoughts racing through my head and a superfluity of disconnected words.

The thing is, I feel inspired but I can't seem to pen down the inspiration that inspired me.

I take a piece of blank paper or open up a new Microsoft Word Document and try to scribble something but I end up with a blank page staring admonishingly back at me.

Also with the now inspired me, I open up my collection of incomplete stories and reread them, hoping to find a silver of the continuing line to the story.

So far, I have failed miserably in the aspect of furthering the story plot but I have tweaked the story a little here and there.

Which in other words means that I change both the protagonist and antagonist's names.

Needless to say, by the end of a year, said story would have seen the likes of fifty or so different versions of its protagonist and antagonist.

I know Shakespeare says "What's in a name?" since "That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.", but I'm more of the opinion that a name does matter.

If you go by the saying which claims that a rose called any other name would still smell as sweet as a rose, you can technically call it any word.

Say for example; "shit".

Now I don't know about you but shit smells like shit to me.

Hmm.

I had a talk with Ira a couple of nights ago.

She's only 12 but she's pretty mature for her age.

I guess that's the outcome of being forced to grow up before you're fully ready.

Somehow, I think I shoulder a little of the burden for that.

It scares me a little when we talk and she shows raw emotion that is unconcealed by her usual wall of concrete.

She hides behind that wall all 24 hours of the day and it's so hard to get her to talk about it or show she's actually feeling something.

It's kinda like me but to a more deeper extent.

I guess that's why everytime her wall comes down for even a fraction of a second, I jump at the chance and fight to hold on to it, listening to every word that has the blessed fortune to cross her lips with an almost indecent ardency.

That reminds me of my mum when she's trying to get me to talk.

The thought elicits a strange concoction of feelings in me.

Something oddly like sadness and something else I can't fine the word to describe.

The people that walk in and out of your life

Dear Sister,

We were united by a mutual friend.

You were the sister I never had.

The one from another mother.

We got so close, and you told me your story.

I told you mine.

We were tied together by the unfathomable bonds of past lives and mistakes.

We held hands and faced the world which at that time seemed so hell bent on breaking each of us into pieces.

I remember we started talking after i visited the grave.

You had a look in your eyes that i couldn't fathom.

Now i realise it was a look of understanding.

You understood more than i can ever comprehend or imagine.

You were older than me, from a different time yet the same world.

That held us together.

Now i don't know where you've gone.

I know deep down that you're out there somewhere.

But i can't seem to find you.

Dear Friend,

You bolted into my life out of nowhere.

When noone else was awake, you stayed awake while i cleaned my room in an attempt to stop the flow of tears.

You never once told me to stop even though it was 3 in the morning.

You understood that i had to do something with my hands.

At that moment, it struck me just how very special you are.

We didn't know each other yet you read me like a book you've read for years.

You knew how to make me feel better even though it's in an unorthodox way.

You taught me so much in such a short space of time.

I remember how we'd talk all the way into the next morning about everything and anything.

Now we just say "hi", trying but failing to close the gaping chasm between us.

At the very least, I am deeply grateful that god graced my life with your prescence even if it was only for a fleeting moment.

Dear Love-d,

Whenever my mind happens to cast on your face, one word appears in bold in my mind -

"whirlwind."

I remeber how fast it all went.

You rivaled Katrina, raging through my life and shaking the very core of my being.

And i fell deeper and harder than i could ever comprehend.

You scared the shit out of me beacuse of how much i loved you in such a short space of time.

I remember how everyone thought i was crazy and i remember thinking i must be too.

It was all over before it even started.

I just wanted to tell you i don't think of you anymore.

Your're me love-d.

in past tense.

I want you to know how good it feels to be able to say that.

Dear Stranger,

I met you on a rainy day at the bus terminal.

I remember you smiled at me, warm and open.

I smiled back and i turned away thinking that was it.

You surprised me when you started talking.

As with typical conversations, you started with something mundane - the weather.

We talked about the falling rain until we exhausted all the adjectives and feelings associated with raindrops.

Then you gave me another smile.

This time reassuring.

And you just talked.

But mostly, you listened.

Somehow, you sensed that i desperately needed someone to just listen.

On that rainy day, sitting on bus 3, i talked more to a stranger than i ever have to any of the people i know.

It's like i know you from a past life or something.

And I just want to thank you for listening.

And i hope that one day, i'll meet if not you, people like you - strangers who's more of a friend.

The people that walk in and out of your life.

Unspoken and Unimaginable

Today is the first day since Monday that i've been at home at night.

The class chalet was great. i love it.

Me and Shaf headed for the chalet at 3 on Monday.

We waited for Anne who appeared with Char and Sheena, to show us directions.

They ended up telling us exactly where it is and went off somewhere.

So with a little apprehension, me and Shaf headed for block K, unit 2001 and found Geraldine Tan and Xinya inside watching the Doha Games.

We both changed and joined them for a while before they left to walk around.

It was extremely dull since everyone was off somewhere else.

So me and Shaf, turned up the fan, blasted the air-con, pulled the curtain shut and watched Chinese opera followed by The Ellen show and Tyra Banks.

It was nice, wrapped up in the knitted blanket and just chilling while waiting for everybody else to return.

By the end of the Tyra show, Char came back with the rest of them and we waited for Gourie before heading to Gashaus at Bugis.

The plan being that we'll hang out there for a while.

We stayed for three songs and went to Macs to get dinner but in the end we ate Nasi Lemak at a food court.

We popped into this shop and they got water guns and funky hats and whatnot.

By 10, we were back at the chalet.

Since there was nothing else to do, we either watched tv or tried to catch a breath of non-existent wind.

12 am saw us all squeeze on the bed, telling ghost stories.

My dad picked me and Shaf up at 1 in the morning so we could come back to my house to sleep.

The next morning, at 8, Shaf woke me up and we got dressed to go back to the chalet.

Nissa, Kiran and Naqiah turned up and we all went shopping for food.

After that, was a mixture of plans since everyone kept on suggesting different things to do.

We ended up separating.

Steph, Clarissa and Sheena went cycling.

Shao Fang, Gourie, Char and Nissa went swimming in the pool.

Anne went to meet her Mum and bought a dress in the process.

Beatrice was supposed to turn up at 1 but came at 5 instead.

me, Shaf, Kiran and Naqiah lazed around gossiping and all before Kiran had to leave.

while waiting for the cyclists to return, me,Naqiah, Shaf, Nissa and Char threw water bombs at each other.

By 6, we decided to get the barbeque started.

8 pm came and went and still, we couldn't even start the fire.

With the charm of some of the girls in the class, we enlisted the help of a guy from the opposite pit who thankfully helped us.

Almost everyone left by 11, leaving only those who are staying overnight.

Me, Jillian, Shaf, Anne and Beatrice gossiped and bitched all the way until 2 in the morning when my dad came to pick me up.

I had a great time talking with all of them.

Anne surprised me cos it was so easy to relate and talk to her.

it was sad to think that at the very last day that the class would be meeting for the year, then we got close.

Maybe it was because it was so hard to infiltrate the cliques.

However, we had lots of fun, talking about a whole host of subjects.

The plan was to meet up this morning for breakfast at Bugis at Macs.

Bea couldn't make it so it was only the 4 of us.

The conversation didn't flow as well since we were all comatose and zombie-like from the continuous late nights.

After a quick breakfast, we all headed off to our own separate beds to sleep,

with the unspoken promise that we would all meet again for shopping trips or just for dinner more times than we all could imagine before last night.

They're Nature's Band-Aids

I just read Fadh's testi for me on friendster.

She made me smile.

So sad to think it'll be another 4 weeks before i get to chat with her again.

unless she has internet connection and a computer there wherever she is?

somehow, i doubt so.

it still amazes me how easy it is to relate to her.

i guess all these years, i never bothered to find out.

and i never bothered to make friends outside of my used-to-be social circle.

Yes, i had connections but not the real friends that will have my back kind.

in a way, sometimes, it IS good to step out of your comfort zone.

granted, i learnt the hard way.

i got pushed into this alien world of almost political dimensions.

a world where you gotta learn how to survive on your own and how to pick yourself up when you've fallen.

I do have a great support system now but mostly, i pick myself up.

i've only ever cried in front of Asy that time in the library when i really couldn't take it anymore and that was in its own twisted way, mortifying.

There's not many people out there who knows the real me, inside out.

except maybe Shaf. and that also, is only a tiny percentage.

Every one of my friends see pieces of me, never the real thing.

That suits me just fine. I prefer to not overload someone with all of my problems or complications. That's also one of the reasons why I have a different bond with each and every one of them. It's like i'm tied to different people with totally different coloured strings.

And the list of special people in my life just keep growing but of course, there's people who walk out of the list but i realise it's no biggie cos they're not the ones that really matter.

Sure it hurts, but for every pain, there's always panadol or maybe just a band-aid,

that comes in the form of the people who REALLY care and matter.

It only takes 15 steps

This week has been good so far.

I've been going out everyday.

Mostly to find a job with Shaf.

Found one actually but then, on that same night, Ashraf told me it's a con company.

Naturally i was inclined to not believe him seeing as how he likes to joke around.

But then, while I was sitting on the fence, he gave me the link to forums where people actually confirmed the fact that the company was a scam by relating their bad experiences.

I also did my own research and I found out that the company's not on any certified company listing or in the yellow pages.

Then, all my doubts were futher erased when Fayyadh whom i was asking about job vacancies, told me the same thing about said company.

I told Shaf and we both decided to forgo the job.

I was relieved actually since that meant i had a whole day to myself at home.

But, once again, my plan was spoiled when Bani asked me hang out with her and Fadh at Pasir Ris Park.

So i met Bani at White Sands and we got her pumps (which after she bought them, realised they were redundant as Shaf had black shoes all along)

And we waited for Fadh who was as usual late again.

The three of us headed for the 4/7 chalet, the plan being that Fadh could go in and say all her hellos and what not before we go hang out at the beach.

In the end, we ended up staying and eating the food they were painstakingly grilling.

The "we" here being Bani and me.

By 9.45 we started walking back to my house to chill and they stayed until 11.45.

It was nice just lounging around and talking, gossiping and laughing and strangely having moments where something deeper comes up.

"It must suck to lose your bestfriend."

"Yeah it does.you know that."

"Yeah i do.It sucks.Like how it sucked when i lost her and how it sucked for you when you lost them. But whatever. I don't care anymore."

"Actually, you still do care."

"Yeah.Like how you still care as well."

It's strange how me and Fadh bond so well.

And to think that there was a time when we saw each other at the bustop on the way to school, she'd raise her eyebrows in acknowledgement and I'd give a half-hearted nod.

She's leaving for Indonesia tomorrow.

I'm kinda going to miss chatting with her on MSN almost every night.

Was supposed to go to SP's concert with her and the guys but it didn't happen since

she had no way of contacting me and i was out with Shaf and her little sister.

The class chalet is on monday and i'm kinda looking forward to it.

I'm missing all my NINERS.

Shaf's already asking me to go through with her the list of things i'm bringing right down to which underwear i'm wearing on what day.

Now that's just crazy.

A right time doesn't exist half the time

Everytime i log on, i tell myself to blog.

at least write a little bit, even if its a few lines.

But, (there's always a but) i never manage to get down to it

due to no fault of my own.

Finally,for the first time in days, the bottom of my screen isn't blinking admonishingly, nagging me to click its orange-filled capacity.

That's part of my daily routine these past days since the last time i ventured out to school for the PAE briefing.

my day would start with me waking up disoriented, wondering why i'm not in school.

by the time i swallowed a late breakfast,mainly hot milo and cocoa pebbles, read the paper and tickled romie and wira under the chin, the clock on the wall would show roughly 2 pm.

Mum would be screaming at me to shower, that is if she happens to be home which is not often these past month or so.

so i'd take a shower and then laze around the house, reading an assortment of things ranging from Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibilty to archie comics and even coloured adverts issued by pizza hut to tempt us mortals into indulging in a slice of yummy cheesy pizza.

I'd read for an hour or so and then switch on the lap top and indulge in playing sims 2, controlling their every move and their lives with a fierce passion derived from the inability to somehow control mine.

The budding relationship between hotshot Carter and shy Krista, as well as the deteriorating marriage of Mary-Sue and Don, would occupy my brain cells for another hour until 5 where i'd stop and watch the Ellen Degeneras show followed by Tyra Banks if i'm up for it.

(this would be the moment when i would severely miss watching Oprah)

The night would be dedicated to watching shows until 10 when i would go online for my nightly rendezvous with Fadhilah and whoever else might just happen to be online.

By 12, Dad would be screaming for me to stop and i'd log off and go watch some movie or other until 3 in the morning when i would finally doze off.

Basically, that's my day. it's falling into such a predictable routine that i feel so encapsuled and restless with a growing need to get away from it all.

Shaf once told me that i run away from everything if i could help it.

Just run away, trying to get away from all of it.

With the misguided notion that if i run away from whatever it is, it won't be able to hurt me.

Knowing shaf, it was her own way of telling me to stop running. to stop being afraid to stare the past in the face, figuratively or literally.

In a way, it kinda worked. I'm not running anymore. maybe just jogging.

dedaun melayang ditiup bayu

menghujani bumi tanpa henti

aku berlari, diiringi daun

ingin kembali

bersendirian begini, aku benci

pelukan mesra, belaian manja

dambaan, harapan hati naluri

ku ingin ia dipenuhi erti

bukan sekadar wadah mengumpul memori

mengapa tidak saja lantang teriaknya

biar aku tahu dari mula

kau hanya berteman bersandarkan sepatah kata

akhirnya aku bersendirian berlari

berlari entah bila sudahnya

saat dikurniakan teman yang benar-benar sejati

Part of some big plan

Have you ever thought that something was gonna last forever

but of course it didn't?

Maybe it's not meant to be cos it's not part of the big plan.

that same plan that was written down before we even existed.

Sometimes, the plan doesn't make sense.

There are times when I myself don't get the plan.

And i question it until i exhaust myself.

And the thing is, until now, i still don't get it.

I just can't get my head wrapped around it.

You know, those points of time when everything around you is just so lucid?

Yesterday, things got so lucid that dejavu was so thick in the air, you could almost taste it.

I was so freaking scared.

I hate it when things like that happen.

I mean once is enough but maybe, it was all part of the plan.

Whatever the plan is, right now, at this moment, i'm liking the plan.

You think you know someone

You think you know someone.

You trusted enough to trust.

It's just like how I thought I knew you.

I thought you'd back off but it just goes to show that you are every bit as bitchy as everyone makes you out to be.

I'm horribly disgusted to even think i used to hang out with you.

God. What was i blinded by?

Honestly, you told me you weren't going to apologise and fine. That's okay.

But i expected you to stop it and back off.

The story's over so why are you raking up the buried hatchet?

Goodness. You're worse than I thought.

And hello, what planet are you living in? What's the point of bitching and hurting innocent bystanders?

only cowards do that and seeing as you're one yourself, it's no wonder that's the path you choose.

and how lame. changing your blogs just so you won't get hate tags from all of us.

cowardice is rife in the air.

and i just realised why you're doing all this.

your name is a perfect acronym to explain this disgusting attitude of yours.

E M M I (with the spaces) = Enhanced Malicious Manipulative Instrument

despicable.

you think you know someone.

In a suspended vortex

I've been so tired.

Spent the whole day curled under the covers in lala land.

i supposed sleeping at 3 talking to some alien *cough*shaf*cough* shouldered part of the blame.

the rest of it goes to the O's.

i've never been more drained and stressed.

i'm amazed my back muscles are still functioning.
i would have thought they'd be all worn our right now.

and my ass is still on me thank goodness.

i half-expected it to drop off after the frostbite i've been suffering from since me and shaf started studying at the airport.

at least O's are gonna be over soon.

just as well. i was getting quite tired of it.

the whole palpitating hearbeat when the paper is in front of you and the killing of brain cells during the entire duration of the paper and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise that you didn't do as well as you thought you did after exhausting all possibilities of answers with your friends afterwards.

now, i don't know.

i just feel a little rebellious.

i hope i don't start anymore new bad habits although i'm itching for a ________.

just to remember what it feels like.

needless to say my mom will kill me if she ever finds out.

actually she found out that time and strangely, she didn't kill me.

must be my lucky day.

right now, i feel like i'm in a suspended vortex.

its so sad to think that what was once there just isn't anymore.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

What would you do if you were given a choice?

A choice between doing what you know is right and doing what you think is right?

in other words, to follow your heart or your head?

what would you do?

would you be prepared to take the risk if you follow your heart?

i can't help thinking whether i'm prepared or not.

i know even if i ask all the people in the world, ultimately the choice has to be made by me.

and i'm so scared of doing what my heart tells me because i don't want to get hurt again.

but then, i can't just walk away and do what i know is right because i want to know what's on the other side of the door.

i want to know if the grass is greener there.

The thought of what if is haunting me.

I know that even after i'm done typing this, i still won't have a clear decision.

the thought of leaving it all up to fate is a little unbearable cos sometimes, you just can't leave things like this all up to fate.

it doesn't go like this.not in that way.

Someone told me "if you want it that badly, go for it. start chasing."

i would if only i didn't fear rejection so much.

i really don't know.

the truth is, i am so tired of loving you.

i wish i could stop but somehow, i just can't.

and i hate myself for it.

It's all about how to get to the next level

It just struck me how life is just like a game.

its all about how you play.

all the things that you do and all the things that you say plus all the decisions that you make can be likened to the moves you make in a game.

its all about your moves.

you are faced with a situation and you play it out.

you use all the resources available to you and you lay out all the best tactics you know.

all these just so you can get to the next level and be one up than the person next to you.

admit it, we all strive and try our best to be the best.

i suppose it's the strangely gratifying feeling you get when you move up a level is what makes us continue playing these almost addictive game.

its almost as though we weigh out all our options and choose the route that we feel will give us the most in return.

sometimes, we get a reward in the form of our heart's desire or some incentive or other but sometimes its just about making the right move.

ironically, the right move may not always be right.

But that is what is so enticing - the fact that we don't know what is on the other side of the door causes us to jump right in and take the risk even though sometimes we get hurt.

just like how we choose a particular route in a game and then we find out its the wrong move to make and we get hurt or worse, our "life" ends.

But unlike a game, our life doesn't end when we make the wrong move.

sure we may get hurt but life goes on.

that's what differs it from World Of Warcraft.

the mere fact that life is a continuous game that you just can't stop playing.

and when you've done all the things you want to do regardless of whether its the right move or not, only then can you say "Checkmate" with pride.

Sidetrack: Nine more papers to go. and next week is one packed week. i keep having to tell myself i can do this just so i don't break down and lose my mind. i don't understand how the generations before me went through O Levels. they make it sound so easy! i know perfectly well that after O's i'm going to be saying the same thing though. the irony of it. Mrs. Hoe would be proud. :) The ride's not even full launched and i already want it to stop. And the scary thing is i can't wait to get off.

The fire in your eyes

Finally i'm blogging. Just couldn't squeeze in the time to

blog these days.

In the space between this entry and my last one, plenty of things happened.

Raya passed and it was an okay day for me.

Strangely, raya is always an eye-opener and the day where i i get to know things i swear i have no idea about.

in a way, its always the day for serious talk.

sometimes, its the five of us; wild and unstoppable Nadia, mature and practical Mohsin, Fadly the family rebel, Qai the quiet emo kid and me.

but this year, it was just me and mohsin.

i was extremely touched when he cried with me.

coming from him who normally avoids showing raw emotion in the prescence of anyone was kinda huge.

but, whatever it is, i'm very thankful i'll always have him.

so after raya it was back to studying.

camped out in sch in the morning and jalan raya-ed at night.

damn tiring but it worked in the sense that i got to study and collect duit raya which god knows i really need.

by the time friday came around, me and shaf decided to go study at the airport.

so after an indulgent lunch at swenson's, we plonked ourselves at the viewing mall and started studying. somehow we made 6 hours straight.

i thought it was a miracle that we even made 1 hour straight without losing our focus or getting distracted.

plus the bone chilling cold penetrating our skin and the pretty uncomfortable positions we have to study in, namely, sprawling ourselves on the floor or studying with our knees drawn.

kinda hurts the ass part of our anatomies.

and this continued on for the past 3 days and tomorrow's gonna be another study marathon.

i'm gonna loving it actually.

cos i can focus so much more.

whoa. i think the pressure's getting to everyone.

on top of that, some of us are just going through a down in life.

i'd say it happens and there's nothing you can do to stop it so you just have to stay strong and hold on cos the ride's almost over.

for shaf: darling, stay strong. you know you will always have me and you don't have to be afraid. i will never walk away from you. so i can assure you that you've got me tagging along every step of the way. you know like some annoying bulldog. :) you can do this princess. and always remember, i will always be here for you, even if the entire world isn't. love ya loads girl.

for asy: hey there princess. cheer up kay. i understand how you feel. i'm sorry i can't do much to help you but i can listen and you will always have me to listen. anytime you need me, just look me up. promise i'll pick up your call even if it's at 3 in the morning. stay strong love. bersabar banyak-banyak kay? love ya loads too girl.

Sidetrack: i lost my wallet yesterday. along with my NRIC, my ez-link card, my house keys,my nametag, my eyeliner and the poem you wrote for me. my only copy of it. great. i hope i get my wallet back. please pray for me.

lastly, so long and good night to all my loves.

love you all loads.

The long run home

Finally i managed to get into the blogger page.

am on a short break as the ligaments and tendons in my wrist and fingers are screaming for a rest.

(not surprising seeing as how i copied 6 pages of lecture by mrs lopez just now and also finished up merger and separation for ss.)

so i thought i'd just post something today.

been a while since i did anyway.

As usual, i'm in the school library.

there's a whole troupe of sec. 4's cooped up here studying our butts off.

it's all been pretty lucid these few days.

filled with ups and downs which is normal so i just go with the flow.

Thank you an for being there for me and listening to me talk about everything.

thanks for being patient and waiting for me to find my voice and understanding that it's hard for me to open up like that.

i don't know whether what you said is true.

i don't think she's dead yet.

she's still living inside me and i suppose waiting for the right time to break free.

you call her phoenix.

i ask why and you said because she is so full of passion and fiery angst that even a phoenix pales in comparison.

sometimes, she makes a little appearance and let me catch a glimpse of her and it scares me so much.

i'm so scared she'll take control again.

i can't let that happen. i'm not strong enough for the consequences if that happens.

you told me that you'll be my saviour and you'll keep phoenix caged and you'll help me destroy her so she will really be dead.

thank you.

strangely, i don't know why i trust you so much.

maybe it's cos your're an.

Oh yeah, i've been writing more and more now.

and i'm loving it.

I'm on my long run home.

Sidetrack: apparently, there are just some people out there who take it in their stride to intentionally hurt others . to them it's like sportful malice. seriously, get a life. it's disgusting the way you just have to pull stupid totally unfunny pranks on people you don't even know just to get a little kick. despicable

Silence of the unintended

Salahkah aku kerana terlalu mencintaimu

Salahkah aku kerana kau ku anggap sebagai duniaku

Mengapakah dikau hukum diri ini kerana salah yang seharusnya membawa seribu erti

Mengapa dilerai ikatan utuh yang lahir tulus dari hati

Mengapakah kau berpaling arah, ku takkan bisa mengerti

Seakan laut yang tidak bisa mendakap syurga

Seakan bayu ketandusan kiriman cinta

Bak merpati putih yang terbang pergi

Kegersangan hati ini, hanya menunggu saat dikau kembali

Namun, kerana tidak disuratkan Ilahi,

Hati ini hanya mampu pasrah menunggu cinta bertandang lagi

I wrote this during SS block period just now.

Suddenly inspiration struck and i just wrote.

it's been such a long time since i wrote anything especially in malay so it was a refreshing and gratifying experience.

And if you're wondering, yes. it's dedicated to you.

The silence of the unintended crafted solely by the mere thought of you.

Numbing the pain

Ahah. Criticism from the normal people on my tagboard.

Well, i must say that you missed my point entirely.

i'm not trying to say that crying inspires people.

where the hell did that come from?

my point is that if you numb yourself, like how that certain person i was talking about was doing,

you can't get anywhere.

numbing yourself renders you incapable of achieving your true potential.

take me for example.

i numbed myself for 6 whole years and look where that got me, a stint in the INSTITUTE OF MENTAL HEALTH and a flirt with clinical depression.

i know what it's like to numb yourself.

it's not good.

my point was that if breaking someone will help them to FEEL all the hurt and pain that they've pushed aside for such a long time, it'll will undoubtedly help them come to terms with the pain and accept it.

fact is, acceptance is one of the hardest things in life but we all have to go through it.

and only when we fully accept it then we can MOVE ON with our life.

there's a saying "in order to move on, we have to immerse and seep ourselves in our pain, not push it away."

so how are you going to immerse yourself in your pain and really FEEL it if you're numbing yourself?

my intention here is to HELP not to hurt more. yes it will hurt to feel after so long but its a way in order to move on.

I mean come on, i've had myself cut open as though i'm a cadaver undergoing autopsy and it's undoubtedly made me come to terms with all the bottled up hurt and pain.

I guess, the fact is that you will never understand it unless you have gone through it yourself.

Seeing with eyes that see

As usual, am in the cold and sterile library.

Shaf is sitting beside me, pondering on whether to message him or not.

apparently, making the first move is harder than people say it is.

hmm.

talked to an again yesterday or on actual terms, this morning.

been quite some time since i talked to him so it was nice as well as full of the normal lame comments and puns.

tsk.

apparently(an's counting the number of times i say this) i'm extremely lame when provoked.

and unfortunately for him,he's figured out my tendancy to beat around the bush as well as getting the last word in.

(not to worry, i've assured him i'll let him win one day as long as he doesn't bite my ears off when we meet. which incidentally, might be way after O's are over.)

Everyone's insisting it's not platonic cos' there seems to be a hint of attraction and powerful chemistry.

oh well, he's a nice guy and going with the flow is best.

we'll just see how it goes.

hmm.

i just got cornered by a certain someone to give her a pep talk.

i'd be more than happy to darling.

but you must remember that my pep talks are not like other pep talks.

i'll unwind you right down to your bones and make you feel like you've never felt before.

it's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck.

while it's true that i vary my pep talks according to different people,i think in your case, you need me to make you feel.

you haven't felt yet and its been so long.

almost 7 months.

you need to feel.

and i'm gonna make you feel.

it's not gonna be pretty though and that's why i asked if you're ready for it.

personally, no offence here, i think that you're not.

but if it's not done now, the consequences are gonna be far greater.

and if breaking you down and making you feel is the way to ensuring you raise your morale and get motivation, i'll gladly do it.

i just hope you won't hate me too much afterwards cos like i said, it's not gonna be pretty or nice.

and it's gonna freaking hurt.

you told me when we're moving out of class just now,

"you see right through me fee."

yeah i do.

it's an uncanny ability i have.

so no lies or keeping things from me.

proof? shaf can't.

she always says it's not fair that i can read her so well.

Like that time she was krapping about "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder".

subtle hint but i got it. haha.

hey girl? get used to it okay. you got the rest of your life ahead of you with me doing that. :)

And an, get used to it also. you're gonna get more of it where it came from.

(by the way, i cannot believe that you went for terawih at masjid istighfar and i went all the way to masjid mydin. subtle hint to catch that silver of a glimpse? in a way. )

it's 12.01 now and shaf's getting damn bored waiting for me to finish this (what seems to her as) a super long entry.

so to not antagonise her further, i'll stop now.

gotta go absorb more Mao facts anyway.

So ta to all the players in the stage of the world.

good acting guys.

lotsa love.

A minor sidetrack: I asked Mrs Cheong in chemistry on whether alcohols are acidic or alkali. she said they're neutral. now that will explain why when you down an alcoholic beverage, it burns your throat which in essence would means its acidic since acids are corrosive BUT booze also tastes bitter which is one of the properties of an alkali. thus, it makes sense that they're neutral with both acidic and alkali properties. eh wait, if they have both acidic and alkali properties, wouldn't they be amphoteric instead?

Transition through evolution

Oh my god. Shaf just had a totally SPASTIC moment.

she freaked out about some nonsense on deleting her own testi for 'asy or some thing like that.

I'm not going to even waste my brain cells trying to comprehend that.

so got back english and malay paper.

i guess i did pretty okay.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed.

missed bloody A1 by a range of 2.5 marks for both papers.

damn.

something tells me i should have studied peribahasa.

and i just figured out that i can not use my english marks for my LIR5.

hmm.

now i'm not sure which i wanna use- HML or english.

Oh well, shall just do my best and figure it out later.

oh ya, i've been sleeping at a rough average of 4 every night for 5 days now.

i swear i'm not going to pick up any more late night calls.

yeah right.

ops.

gotta go. ss now.

which i'm gonna screw up.

shit

I Miss You

Ah. been having a very long break from school.

Since thursday was the scheduled holiday from the long overdue voting day, naturally, there wasn't any school.

I was supposed to be in school on friday, bright and early and all,but i had an appointment with

dear Dr. Fang so i skipped.

ironically, i didn't go for my appointment.

dad was of the opinion that we shouldn't be wasting money on a 5 minute consultation and another month's worth of meds.

I guess i'm pretty cool with it.

I know i don't need the prozac anymore so its fine.

i just hope that my migraines won't get worse cos i won't have a ready supply of migraine painkillers.

Sidetrack: Wira just tried to commit suicide by jumping out the kitchen window. Mum was avidly trying to be a professional maracas player by shaking his container of food vigorously but sad to say, failed miserably. In the end, i had to pull his tail and he was saved. haha.

I also am just going to say that i'm not going to put this blog on a hiatus.

I realise that most people are doing that but i'm not going to.

This blog is a great way for me to express myself so it's gonna stay.

besides, i have a feeling this blog will help me de-stress a litte.

Oh and by the way, i'm backing out.

The age gap is too huge not to mention the fact that you're directly related to me and also the fact that you're taken for keeps.

And as for you, i'm starting to question the basis of our almost non-existent relationship.

God you're starting to turn out like haqi.

And that's not a good thing cos' i'm not talking about his charm or dropdead looks.

so yeah. that's why i'm not replying to your texts.

that and also the fact that my last bill went up to a cool 100 bucks.

Besides, it's also a test for you.

to see whether you really truly care.

ergh. there is something seriously wrong with my fingers today.

i seem to be making stupid typing errors.

Oh yeah, Ahn, i had a very nice time talking to you yesterday.

A very well worth 4 hours and sleeping at 5 in the morning.

And god, we're so alike that it's extremely freaky.

i guess that's why we click so well cos i understand you greatly due to the little fact that you're exactly like me.

and the codes you gave me were fun to work out. good exercise for my brain so i can also grow more dendrites.yupz.

:)

and to shaf: girl, there's a reason why i keep saying i'm perceptive you know. I can read your mind and i always know when you have something you're not telling me. so you know the conclusion right? don't even try to keep anything from me. haha. lotsa love girl. glad you're on your way. :)

Lastly, to all my loves out there, i just got this to say:

I + the opposite of W + initial of ICE + twice the letter before T + 3/4 of X + the 15th letter + half of O

(psst. work it out. only that way you'll get what i wanna say. heh muchos credit goes out to Ahn for giving me that code. haha.)

G'night world.

Sleep tight stars.

Lotsa love for all my loves.

Bad habits result in self-drug graves

Just got back science mcq results today.

it hit me in a moment of self-realisation that i can make it if i put in the effort.

of course there's also the carelessness in the equation but that's something everyone faces so i can't really do much except read the question 3 times before concluding an asnwer.

So in full spirit of my renewed motivation, which had died down due to the end of prelims,

i did notes on cells and as what i did for SS and history, stapled it on my bio book which is incidentally falling apart even as i am typing this.

I am filled with a sense of satisfaction and pride for managing to complete 1 chapter.

yes i know cells is the most basic thing which every bio student worth his salt ought to know

but it just felt good.

so just allow me this small chance to seep myself in this good feeling.

hmm.

Recently,i got a lot of requests from people to change the way i live my life and ditch some of my bad habits.

namely reading all that fanfiction involving guy on guy relationships and everything of that sort.

and chatting too much in chat rooms.

yup. basically that's it.

well, i can only say that i'm happy with the way i'm living my life currently.

i know it's not perfect but i'm not striving for perfection.

what's important to me is that i live my life to the fullest and enjoy every single minute god grants me breath.

Yes there are still things i do that i shouldn't be doing because it's technically ruining me.

But honestly, the bad habits i have now is nothing compared to what i used to do not more than 6 months ago.

i stopped my long "friendship" with self-mutilation.

it took a long time but i am fully over it now.

i stopped overdosing on my migraine pills.

i stopped basically harming myself.

And that to me is a huge change.

they were bad habits that most certainly resulted in a self-dug grave.

and i've quit them.

so you'll have to excuse me if i'm not going to stop reading fanfictions or chatting in chat rooms.

i am fully aware that they are bad habits but they are so inferior when compared to the bad habits i gave up.

and i don't plan on giving up these inferior bad habits anytime soon.

so suck it up or simply just take your leave.

Sidenote: Hady won Singapore Idol! i am extremely elated he won and i admit i was shocked when gurmit announced his name cos' there was the whole rumour going around that Hady was lacking in the votes.But wow, he got goddamn 70% of the votes! Congrats to him. He does have more talent and the x-factor essential in an idol not to mention the looks and charm to supprt that. And apparently it doesn't hurt that he has rich fans, namely people like nirosha who voted 100 times. that is just utterly crazy.

Last sidenote: Whatever gave people the idea that i am in love? its so absurd and preposterous that its laughable. yes i was in love but now? i think i'm more out of love.